Is tough love the right way to treat an addict?

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This is such a hard question. But one thing’s for sure, you’ll get an answer one way or another when you set your boundaries.

Someone asked me if I felt like I should have approached my son’s depression and addiction differently?

Is tough love the right thing to do?

Keep in mind that I encouraged her to ask the question ...  read more

How could I resent your child’s cancer fundraiser?

Part of my grief process is to let go of such insane resentments and just do something about it instead.

It sounds crazy. It sounds inhuman. But there were times when I felt jealous that others got such overwhelming financial and even emotional support in their struggles to get medical help for a child ...  read more

Why did he kill himself? Answering the why

I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.

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Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.

It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.

And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was the only time he got a break from his pain since he suffered from insomnia and DSPS since he was a toddler.

It was a struggle for him to choose to live every day. And I know he lived for everyone else.  But it meant he chose to stay with us as long as he did.

These are his original lyrics which he hand wrote. He didn’t edit, they just poured onto paper out of his head in a a stream of consciousness style. Pretty amazing really.

Till now, I’ve not shared any of his work that he had not published. It’s like I’m tearing something precious from my heart. But I feel it’s too selfish to keep to myself and I know he wanted his lyrics to touch others who hurt and understood their pain. He always touched other young people who also suffered from depression.

This is what teen depression sounds like, looks like. See Charles’ other rap songs posted on this site here.

Just to Hurt 

by Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary, April 26, 1995-June 5, 2015

Back in another institution,
Guess I’m stupid, feeling useless even though my music tight as a noose is
Every day is a nuisance
Bored as fuck I want to do shit
Guess I didn’t learn my lesson.
Been in treatment most of my adolescence.*
Drug cravings, anxiety and depression
All because of my obsession
I know I’ll get by
But all rehab does is make me wanna get high
I bet God sits in the sky wishing I’d just die
They said I got amazing potential if I’d just try
Since I was 15 I’ve been fed lies
Said I’d be gone for 2 weeks I was gone for 3 years. What the hell why?**
This is my life, That was my time, I can never get it back
That wasn’t yours to take from me
But this is life and there ain’t no pot of gold after the rainbow
But there’s pain through
I promise you there’s pain yo

(chorus)

Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

They said it’s gonna get worse before it gets better
But all I see is hurt and its been getting worse forever
It always seems to rain the most when I’m promised perfect weather
And if you’re hurt too, then we can hurt together

I put these words together, pain stain in every letter
Cause me and Cal used to hangout, before he decided to hang down**,
Heroin took a home from me
He found a place in the ground
I scream for God to answer but he ain’t make a sound

My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown
I feel so unloved, because of the monster that was created from drugs

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

I hope this last verse sticks in ya mind momma
I promise Imma fix it this time
I’m putting it behind cause I can’t forgive myself
And you can’t give me back time

My emotions drip through these lines
But even in darkness sunshine sometimes shines through the blinds
You were paying for hope and I was lookin’ for dope
Cause I just couldn’t cope
And I’m just so afraid that I’ll end up alone

I’ll always miss my own home
I always seem to fuck things up
I guess rock bottom wasn’t deep enough
Even breathing’s tough

It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all
I’m over 6 feet tall, But I’ve never felt so small

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

—————-

*Charles spent 10 weeks in a Wilderness program and 15 months in a therapeutic boarding school

**We sent Charles away to these programs to figure out what was the matter, local resources being very weak. We did it to save his life and to see if he could learn to manage his illness. Although diagnosed with depression, he never admitted it. Too much stigma. 

***Charles knew Cal Riley who hung himself 2 years before Charles did. This haunted Charles. They met in wilderness and became very close. Never in the history of that decades-old program in Clayton Georgia, did two kids from the same high school (Cosby High School) end up in the same wilderness group

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Forgiving myself

This new year, take the taboo out of suicide by talking about it

Those of us who have lost a child CRAVE pictures and memories about our child more than ANYTHING in the world because it’s all we have. One of the things people will tell you is that once someone dies, you find out all these things about your loved one that you never knew and it makes you smile.

But

I have to tell you that those of us who have lost a child by suicide from stigmatized illnesses like addiction and depression, just don’t hear as much. We hear a lot of silence, awkwardness and change of subject and we rarely get the stories we crave so
 ...  read more

Do you really know the signs of heroin use?

Updated August 15, 2016

I didn’t. There is something called the “nod” where someone using heroin will nod off.

Sometimes an addict will sleep 24 hours straight due to heroin being laced with Xanax. In many areas now, they lace heroin with (fentanyl). Last drug test I gave my son indicated multiple drugs mixed in there, at least 9 out of the 12-panel tested on the screening test.

After using the drug, the addicted person has upset stomach, diarrhea and vomiting.

Heroin is snorted or injected so you might not be aware your son or daughter, husband or wife is using for quite a while. Typically, people don’t start off shooting up. That comes later once they are hooked.

image.adapt.480.low.Heroin_addiction_gateway-4More young adults and adults are addicted to heroin than you know.

And someone you know is addicted to an opiate and you are unaware of it. Families that are well off to families that are not are both suffering in this epidemic.

It begins with your medicine cabinet or an injury

Ten percent of the population will become addicted to opiates when prescribed a pain medication through no fault of their own.

Those who suffer the illness of addiction, will feel an unprecedented euphoria.

Those of us who do not have the illness of addiction, will be sick or hate it. Still others will be alarmed by the great feeling and stop its use.

It’s crazy easy to get it. It’s in high schools and drug dealers will even deliver to your driveway. Kids go from things like oxycontin to heroin because oxy is so expensive. Heroin is cheap.

Do not think your family is immune. If your child suffers a mental health issue, the risks of abuse and addiction are more likely and deadly as the withdrawal period often triggers deep depression.

Most with addictive disorder have said, “they want to die” when they are going through withdrawal. Hence the reason so many can’t stop using it. Fear of a horrible withdrawal that lasts weeks, even months. And given that it’s laced with so many other drugs, there is multiple drug withdrawal.

We suffered a terrible loss due to this drug coupled with a mental health issue, depression. My son, Charles, died by suicide while going through withdrawal from this evil drug. It is not a symptom of bad parenting. But it’s this century’s version of the bubonic plague.

Signs of heroin use:

  • Missing spoons and found spoons with burns on the bottom

 ...  read more