I’m going to go through the process of what he said in various places to various people so you know what someone contemplating suicide might say.
This is a super hard post to write. Extremely, exceptionally, impossibly painful. I’d not do it if I didn’t think it would help others avoid standing in the shoes I am in now.
Honestly, really and truly. Do not ever think that it cannot happen to you.
Charles’ notebooks revealed a lot but we did not have access to those. His last phone call was cryptic and I was an emotional basket case during that on and off two-hour call. I missed signs that would have otherwise been more obvious if I specifically had heard what someone says when they are contemplating suicide.
Typical comments from those contemplating suicide:*
- I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this
- I just want to end it all
- I can’t take this anymore
- I’ve tried everything and nothing’s ever going to change
- I just feel like dying
- If I died tomorrow, no-one would care (Charles said this one on his facebook page – see below)
- What’s the point?
- Every time I look in the mirror, I hate what I see
I don’t know that what you see below would indicate suicide. But looking at a lot of what he was posting at the time, it would indicate a state of mind.
The post below was a definite red flag. I saw it later than he posted it as it was sent to me by his Godfather but I had little communication at the point when I saw it. He was on heroin at the time which would have exacerbated a depressive episode. He never admitted to depression, covered up well even though diagnosed. If you were his friend on facebook, you can see the post here. All replies after June 5 would be after his death by suicide.
The text below was sent by another mom whose son died by suicide. Her son was in a work release program. He had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and depression and had no business being in jail. He needed treatment. But that’s America for you. Prisons and jails are depositories for people we don’t know what to do with: Mentally ill, intellectually disabled, autistic, addicts. I highlighted the phrase that would be a red flag.
Please share this post. And if you have an image of a “last message” from a loved one that died by suicide, use the contact form and let me know you are willing to share it and I will email you where you can send it. I will blot out names, phone numbers and personal information. The image would go here.