What did Charles say prior to suicide to indicate his intentions?

I’m going to go through the process of what he said in various places to various people so you know what someone contemplating suicide might say.

This is a super hard post to write. Extremely, exceptionally, impossibly painful. I’d not do it if I didn’t think it would help others avoid standing in the shoes I am in now.

Honestly, really and truly. Do not ever think that it cannot happen to you.

Charles’ notebooks revealed a lot but we did not have access to those. His last phone call was cryptic and I was an emotional basket case during that on and off two-hour call. I missed signs that would have otherwise been more obvious if I specifically had heard what someone says when they are contemplating suicide.

Typical comments from those contemplating suicide:*

  • I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this
  • I just want to end it all
  • I can’t take this anymore
  • I’ve tried everything and nothing’s ever going to change
  • I just feel like dying
  • If I died tomorrow, no-one would care (Charles said this one on his facebook page – see below)
  • What’s the point?

I don’t know that what you see below would indicate suicide. But looking at a lot of what he was posting at the time, it would indicate a state of mind.

i-am-reezin

The post below was a definite red flag. I saw it later than he posted it as it was sent to me by his Godfather but I had little communication at the point when I saw it. He was on heroin at the time which would have exacerbated a depressive episode. He never admitted to depression, covered up well even though diagnosed. If you were his friend on facebook, you can see the post here. All replies after June 5 would be after his death by suicide.

charles-cry-for-help

The text below was sent by another mom whose son died by suicide. Her son was in a work release program. He had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and depression and had no business being in jail. He needed treatment.  But that’s America for you. Prisons and jails are depositories for people we don’t know what to do with: Mentally ill, intellectually disabled, autistic, addicts. I highlighted the phrase that would be a red flag.

suicide-ideation-text

Please share this post. And if you have an image of a “last message” from a loved one that died by suicide, use the contact form and let me know you are willing to share it and I will email you where you can send it. I will blot out names, phone numbers and personal information. The image would go here.

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*Source: Stopping Suicide: How Your Words Can Save Lives

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Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

3 thoughts on “What did Charles say prior to suicide to indicate his intentions?”

  1. My husband of 43 years died by suicide on July 28, 2014. He rarely had a good night’s sleep. I really feel that sleep deprivation is a symptom of many suicide victims. He was a PhD and a pediatrician who graduated top of his class from Thomas Jefferson Medical School. Although he was the most kind, thoughtful man, and a writer of notes to so many people in pain, he felt that he was a burden. He was bipolar, and had severe anxiety and was treated with every medicine available for those illnesses. He had shock treatments and talk therapy. In 1996-1997, he was in an experimental program at NIMH with some of the top psychiatrists in our country. Nothing worked for him. In his suicide note, he wrote “I have been trying to hide my depression, but the agonizing pain is worsening. I have a gaping hole in the center of my soul. I feel like a black hole who is devouring happy spirits of those, like you, who surround me. I have become unbearable to live with. The pure unadulterated feeling of grief is bubbling up from within my terrible and defective soul. It is like having leg caught under a boulder which fell upon it and having such unbearable pain that I am willing to amputate it with a scout knife. My pain is from the center of my soul so I have no choice but to cut it off completely to relieve the pain as I do today. I know my action will cause you awful pain but it is the only way I can be released from this unrelenting agony. I am terribly sorry for hurting you, Rebecca and Brett(our children) by the terrible thing I must do. I love you all and hope that someday you may be able to forgive me. I miss this wonderful man every day and pray that he is at peace. I never knew the pain of his depression.

    1. Wow. I am so sorry you had to go through this, too. Or rather still going through it. Thanks for sharing the sleep issue info. It was the one thing we focused the most on his whole life. I knew how sleep deprivation could change a life for the worse and nothing worked. Thank you for sharing that deeply personal note with us here, too. It offers amazing insight. Your husband put things so eloquently even in his last note to you. He obviously loved all of you so much. I think having some writing helps work out the “why” and I am thankful I have so much of what Charles wrote over the years. His thoughts of suicide date back to when he was 15.And I think Charles also had pain “from the center of his soul.”

      1. Anne, thank you for providing an outlet for us survivors of suicide. Your son, Charles was such a thoughtful writer and he expressed in his raps/songs what so many persons with depression cannot say. I am trying so hard to support my son who is 35 and who has a diagnosis similar to my husband’s, but has dealt with it with alcohol. He just got into a rehab program which begins next Wednesday in Chicago. He totally resisted any treatment until last month when he got a DUI. I am so grateful that he did not injure anyone. The risk of suicide is so high for him after losing his father to it. He has been hospitalized 5 times for suicide attempts in the last 6 months. I know he is crying for help. I am praying that this rehab program will help him start to change and take responsibility for his life.

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