Charles’ suicide wasn’t personal

Charles’ suicide felt intensely personal.

At first, I was sure it was because I sucked as a mom. Or that he was choosing to leave us.

I didn’t love him enough.

He didn’t love me enough.

I missed the signs.

I didn’t say the right thing.

I did nothing right.

His suicide was a crushing blow I took personally.

The truth is he didn’t do this to me.

He didn’t do this because of  me.

He did it to himself.

Which was beyond my control.

It’s so painful to know how he suffered and I had no idea.

I …

It wasn’t about me

As I go through Charles’ song lyrics typing them up, I am struck once again at the level of creative genius and the sheer volume of music that expresses both pain and anger (there are very few published here). Pain from depression. Resentment for the way he was. Anger from having been sent away and put on layaway.

He knew he had a gift that came with a curse. He was so amazingly self aware, yet stubbornly incapable of changing direction to save himself. And yes, there are instances he wants to do that but falls into the … Read more...