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Charles’ suicide wasn’t personal

Charles’ suicide felt intensely personal.

At first, I was sure it was because I sucked as a mom. Or that he was choosing to leave us.

I didn’t love him enough.

He didn’t love me enough.

I missed the signs.

I didn’t say the right thing.

I did nothing right.

His suicide was a crushing blow I took personally.

The truth is he didn’t do this to me.

He didn’t do this because of  me.

He did it to himself.

Which was beyond my control.

It’s so painful to know how he suffered and I had no idea.

I … Read more...

It wasn’t about me

As I go through Charles’ song lyrics typing them up, I am struck once again at the level of creative genius and the sheer volume of music that expresses both pain and anger (there are very few published here). Pain from depression. Resentment for the way he was. Anger from having been sent away and put on layaway.

He knew he had a gift that came with a curse. He was so amazingly self aware, yet stubbornly incapable of changing direction to save himself. And yes, there are instances he wants to do that but falls into the … Read more...

Suicide, blame and forgiveness

blame

Suicide can be very divisive in families and there is often no forgiveness when it comes to this cause of death. People need someone to blame. Sometimes that’s self blame. Sometimes it is the girlfriend, the wife, the husband, the grandfather so on and so forth.

Blame is the result of not truly understanding suicide.

I hear stories of a parent who lost a son or daughter who was married and being barred from seeing their grandchildren due to a suicide.

I’ve heard of girlfriends being shut out of the family after her partner’s suicide and made to feel … Read more...

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