Would I do it all over again?

charles-aubrey-rogers
Charles, the one who died, on the left. Richard on the right.

“Let go, emotions flow, let it show and dissipate
This world is crushing me but I lift the weight
Look at star with a different face you’ll see tomorrow
The world will be a better place”
–Charles Aubrey Rogers, 1995-2015

Would I spend the money that we spent, upwards of $250k, again to try to save Charles life?

Without hesitation.

Would I have had Charles if I knew I’d only get him for 20 years?

You bet.

He was a handful. And a joy.

He was a creative genius. He was impulsive.

He was affectionate. He was emotional.

He was the funniest, most charismatic person I ever met. He touched the lives of others. He made a difference that I did not realize until after he was gone. And he is still making a difference.

I often think about what I would’ve done differently. But I still don’t know the answer to that. Which tells me how complicated it is.

The truth is I cannot control another person and our lives were hell the last five years of his life.

Perhaps the things I did do, meant he stayed for 5 years more than I would’ve gotten otherwise.

Maybe we thwarted previous suicide attempts without knowing it.

All I know is that I am a richer person for having had him in my life.

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Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and my book, Diary of a Broken Mind, will be published in the fall. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website

8 thoughts on “Would I do it all over again?”

  1. I am so glad that I found your blog. I lost my son, Jacob, 24 years old to suicide on December 14, 2013. The last five years of his life were hell. I struggle with guilt and shame which put me in a downward spiral, wanting to join my son. I am doing better now but I still walk this path alone. No one wants to talk about my son. Its as if he never existed. Also no one ever asks me how I am doing. Its a very lonely journey and one that is extremely painful. I look forward to receiving your heartfelt writings as I can totally relate.

    1. Barbara – You hit on the very thing that inspired me to start this blog in the first place. It drove me nuts that NO ONE was mentioning my child. Like I erased him from my family tree? The last 5 years of my son’s life was hell, too. And I still struggle with that.I am so glad you found us. I wrote this regarding the very subject you speak of. Some people have shared some of these articles on their pages and that has inspired conversation. Thank you so much for your comment. They are so important for other readers. And I am sorry no one is asking how you are. I have been there, too.
      https://www.annemoss.com/2015/11/13/please-do-not-avoid-the-subject-of-my-son-who-died/

  2. Anne Moss I absolutely related to your choice of the word “chaos” that is what life with our Charliejohn was. I know my husband and I kept him alive an extra 8-10 years and I would give and do everything again to have him back,along with all the chaos and mayhem. I miss him so much it hurts love and hugs sent to you and your family. You are an amazing woman 💖💕💖

  3. I have so many regrets thinking about things I could of or should of done differently. Maybe just maybe I would still have mark. That’s the hardest part to live with, regrets.

    I’m in agreement. I might not have had as much time with mark on this earth but he brought me 21 years of memories that I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t have him. Good and not so good, they’re still mine. Thank you for sharing your experience and memories of Charles.

  4. I don’t know how to leave a heart in the comments field, like Amy Sumner did, but I completely agree with her. Love is worth the risk. I didn’t get to meet Charles, but I feel through your posts I’m getting to know him and hate that he hurt so badly. You did everything anyone could have. Now he’s living on through your helping others who are hurting. I’m sorry this all comes at such a high price.

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