Today is a Sunday. Life-ing is hard today.

by Anna Wieder

I choose the booth by the window because it seems like the first sunny day in forever.  I feel a surge of relief and a welcomed lift in sadness, as a I gaze out at the blue sky. 

In the background, I find the noise of many conversations comforting.  It keeps my feelings muted and calm. 

You see, this is a common Sunday spot, Panera. Part of my routine. With a book and a laptop and some work for the week.  I like how I can be alone, blend in, but still be surrounded by humans. I … Read more...

Radical acceptance of my mental illness

by Anna Wieder

This morning I laid on the floor. And cried. And prayed. Which for me is just talking to God.

I didn’t feel like I had the strength to go on. I told God I hurt. I didn’t have the words for how much I hurt. I was glad He knew anyway. I felt shame and defeat. And I felt so tired.

“I hurt and I’m fighting.”

And then I realized, there is a lot of fighting in me, too. 

Maybe this is where I am at this moment – in the midst of fighting my story. … Read more...

Why should I stay alive when I want to kill myself?

by Anna Wieder

Dear Me who wants to die,

I know are you in so much pain right now. It feels unbearable and I am SO sorry. 

I know it feels like the pain will never end. 

It feels like it is crushing your spirit.

I know the terror you feel in your heart. The fear and panic feel like they are running through your arms and body, even piercing you like needles. 

I know everything in your brain might be fuzzy as your body sensations overwhelm you.

Stay here, in your body. BREATHE.

It is OK if it doesn’t … Read more...