by Anna Wieder
This morning I laid on the floor. And cried. And prayed. Which for me is just talking to God.
I didn’t feel like I had the strength to go on. I told God I hurt. I didn’t have the words for how much I hurt. I was glad He knew anyway. I felt shame and defeat. And I felt so tired.
“I hurt and I’m fighting.”
And then I realized, there is a lot of fighting in me, too.
Maybe this is where I am at this moment – in the midst of fighting my story. Maybe I have a mental illness. I have to say the maybe to feel like I can breathe. Even though no one else would use maybe. Maybe I won’t get over my mental illness. Maybe that was never the expectation of anyone–except me.
Denial has always been my coping strategy
It has been a strength and it has been a hinderance.
And I have always believed that if I was good enough or strong enough or tried harder, I would come to the point of complete healing. I would master my mind, control all of my thoughts, wrap it all up and put into storage all of the bad things, the hard things. Clear sailing ahead.
Perhaps my story is what I have been fighting.
Maybe this has caused part of my suffering. Fighting reality. Maybe there isn’t complete healing to be had. At least not today or tomorrow. Maybe I am fighting my reality so hard that I can barely breathe most days. Maybe I’m fighting to control everything and it is crushing me. Maybe the trauma I have been through is part of me. I can’t remove it neatly, no matter how hard I try. It isn’t who I am, but it is part of my story. And I am suffering, fighting this reality.
I have pain. Pain that shows up in day-to-day things. Unexpectedly. I am not grieving the loss of someone else, I grieve for myself. My loss. Maybe my goal of a good life – my best life – requires moving through my pain. Not avoiding it, but going through and past it, and when it comes back, regrouping and going on again.
Stop fighting it, stop trying to make the miracle healing happen – just stop. STOP. PAUSE. And radically accept that this is my story, and I want to go on.
Because fighting the reality of my story is killing me
So? Choose to live my life fully. Choose the whole story. CHOOSE. TO. LIVE. When it sucks. Choose LIFE again. Not this ineffective white knuckling to get through. Not pretending and avoiding and panicking. Not ruminating, but not denying either. I hurt. It hurts. It will hurt in the future. I will struggle. But I can continue to overcome.
Because I don’t want a half-life. Not with all of this hard work. I want a whole, beautiful one.