by Anna Wieder
Dear Me who wants to die,
I know are you in so much pain right now. It feels unbearable and I am SO sorry.
I know it feels like the pain will never end.
It feels like it is crushing your spirit.
I know the terror you feel in your heart. The fear and panic feel like they are running through your arms and body, even piercing you like needles.
I know everything in your brain might be fuzzy as your body sensations overwhelm you.
Stay here, in your body. BREATHE.
It is OK if it doesn’t change anything in this moment.
You are strong and can do this. You are BRAVE and GOOD and STRONG.
Get ice if you need to, put it on your head or neck or face. Put your hand on your chest.
Feel your heart. It is beating so fast?
Yes, you are alive, your body is fighting for you to live.
It is not fair, that you must sit like this. IT IS NOT FAIR.
Know this now: your body is safe. You are safe.
You have people who will hug you and love you, when and if you are ready.
Your only job right now is to be alive.
It is OK to cry, to stare, and to be angry, to scream or to stay frozen for a little while. You can handle this pain, YOU ARE STRONG. It will subside. It ALWAYS does, even when you swear it will not.
You do not need to hurt yourself even though you hurt right now. I know it feels unbearable AND I am here to remind you it will pass. Just observe.
It seems appealing in this moment to die, to leave and to make it final. The pain of dying would be temporary and lead to an end, a nothingness. The crushing shame and fear and exhaustion you feel would be gone, so hear me now shouting to you, “THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT!”
As You who wants to live, I am shouting to you, “You are STRONG and NEEDED and have so many HOPES and DREAMS! You deserve PEACE.” Keep fighting!
If it will help, look at all the things you want to do and the reasons to stay. There are a lot, so many. But you do not need to look right now, either.
It is OK to simply curl up, feel the heaviness of the blankets pressing on you and pinning you in place. Falling asleep is an OK option, too. You will wake up feeling differently.
Imagine breathing in relaxation and out the hurt and bad dreams and fear. Breathe in hope. And being brave. You deserve compassion and kindness.
It is a feeling, NOT the truth, that you want to die.
The voices that say you are disgusting and worthless and unloved are liars.
I am not tricking you.
I do not want to hurt you.
My heart aches for you. And I know more than anyone how hard you have fought in life to stay alive, and I am begging you to keep fighting. I KNOW YOU.
I want you to see the sun and the beach again. Float in the ocean. Hike in Maine, read books that have not been written, love people who are yet to come.
I want you to laugh. I want you to teach. I want you to know all of the happy things again. You deserve the best things.
Keep fighting. KEEP FIGHTING.
Me who wants to live
Note from Anne Moss: This is a letter Anna wrote to herself to read when she is suffering thoughts of suicide. It’s her coping strategy to stay alive when her brain is telling her she is worthless.
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