So you are contemplating suicide…

I want to scream, “Don’t do it!”

I want to beg you not to.

I want to tell you how utterly devastating it is to lose a child and reveal all my naked, agonizing grief over my loss.

Really what I need to do is just listen and let you know you matter.

You think you don’t matter. You might even be scoffing at this letter saying, “This woman doesn’t know me!”

What you don’t know is that you are the center of someone’s universe. Your brain won’t let you believe that right now.

I know you think we’d all be better off without you. But your leaving would throw off the balance of people.

You see, most people who want to die by suicide are highly sensitive individuals. Deep feelers.

They are often very creative. They can spot a fake a mile away. They see when others are hurting. They are not put off by other’s misery.

So what happens if you check out?

We will have lost your incredible intuition, your kindness and sensitivity to others.

If you check out, we’re left with analytical bean counters.

Don’t get me wrong, we need bean counters. But we need you, too.

Without you, the world is drained of color

It’s beige and boring.

It’s your lyrics, your writing, your art, your acting, your music, your creativity that stirs deep-seated emotions in us. Only you can do that. I know you have darkness in your soul–the price of having such amazing gifts.

I want you to know that we have not realized your potential yet. If you leave, you take those gifts with you forever and we don’t get to appreciate what you have to offer.

You cheat us out of you. What you can be.

So what do you do next? Reach out.

You won’t find the answer in isolation. Your brain won’t let you.

If you won’t reach out to a friend, reach out to a stranger. Call the Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, text the word start to 741-741. Tweet @annemossrogers and @onelastkick71Make comments here.

Please give us a chance.

You didn’t run into this letter by accident. It was meant for you and you stopped yourself long enough to read it.

If you are still not convinced, see what my friend Jody wrote. I was working on this letter, when I saw hers.

She knows. She’s been there. She gets it.

Heaven can wait.

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The final 48 hours

drained of color
Photo credit Italian photographer Giorgio Cravero

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

24 thoughts on “So you are contemplating suicide…”

  1. Why are you labeling death as a negative?

    My body. My choice.

    Death may very well be better than what I am having to face on the daily.

    No one knows, and it’s rather closed minded and jusgemental to assume a suicide alternative to current conditions are not valid options.

    1. I do appreciate your sharing point of view but I don’t feel it’s a valid option. Can you tell me what you are facing or dealing with daily to help us understand? I’m not passing judgement, I’m expressing an opinion. I could never pass judgement on those who suffer something I’ve never suffered from. All I can say is how much it hurts from the other side. And honestly, I think Charles, my son, did not want to die.

      Some are quite determined. Others really do want help. I guess I have met enough people who survived an attempt and are glad they survive.

      I appreciate your taking time to comment and share another viewpoint

  2. I can’t stand myself anymore. I hate the person I have become. Addiction with porn and not having ANY friends, makes me very lonely. I just want to be a different person but that is not how God works. I am mean when by myself but put a face on when around others. Just die…hang myself or ?

    1. Troy – I am so sorry you are hurting. I know you must feel very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do or where to start. I pasted a link to a story from a young man in Chicago who started out where you are now. He also said he had no friends and was addicted to porn. He worked at it little by little starting with a support group. That support group gave him some feeling of connection and helped with the loneliness which is what makes you feel so worthless. I know since my son killed himself, I’ve had days like that. Lonely and isolated. So I go to a support group. It just puts me in a room with someone else suffering from something similar to me. I’m listening. Just know that. OK?

  3. I was talking to you at the walk yesterday. When I left I realized that was my brother’s story I told you, not mine. I’m sure if he told his story, it would be different from my version. I am working on my story today & I will email it to you tomorrow. I hope you think it will help someone.

  4. This is beautifully written and so very insightful. Thank you for sharing. You are helping people understand themselves and others with your writing.

  5. Tonight I was contemplating on ending my life. Feeling depressed, sad, deafeated and just plain tired. I looked online on how to hang myself and accidentally came across this post. Safe to say, this has been an eye opener to the reality of what i was about to do; it has saprked something within me (a good feeling) however as much as i would like to say that the dark clouds above my head had disappeared i guess life does not work that way. But it is a start. So thank you. I had wanted to thank you on twitter but it seems that your account can’t recieve any private dms.

    -english is not my native language so forgive me if i have a lot of errors.

    1. Wow Reece. By commenting here you have not only given me hope, but you are offering hope to others contemplating suicide and seeing this post. People read the comments so thank you for making it public. I can’t thank you enough for having the courage to write this. By the way, your English is great.

    2. It was no accident. There isn’t a way to search it up because when you do it automatically brings you to this site. There’s no way around it . Which I agree with.

  6. Thank you so much Anne. You have helped so many of us to open up the discussion of suicide with our families and friends. I know that these conversations will prevent some suicides.

  7. Anne Moss, almost every day you write my deepest thoughts; but I don’t have your talent & writing skills. The ability to translate these feelings into words! The part about our children stirring these deep-seated emotions in us was particularly touching. It is so very sad that we will never see all these beautiful children fulfill their potential.

  8. Thank you Anne. This article gave me a different look on my suicide attempts. Instantly I saw myself as a deep feeling guy, a compationate person, who would be lost if I died. Who knows, maybe these skills would benefit someone in the future. Maybe the purpose of my life is yet to come.

  9. This is just awesome! I wanted to also tell you about a great book I think you might like, and one that your readers might benefit from as well, entitled “Touched With Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is about the link between creativity and mental illness, particularly Bipolar Disorder. It is very enlightening. You are right, creative people are deep feelers, and thus more prone to depression and suicidality. Great article!

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