So you are contemplating suicide…

I want to scream, “Don’t do it!”

I want to beg you not to.

I want to tell you how utterly devastating it is to lose a child and reveal all my naked, agonizing grief over my loss.

Really what I need to do is just listen and let you know you matter.

You think you don’t matter. You might even be scoffing at this letter saying, “This woman doesn’t know me!”

What you don’t know is that you are the center of someone’s universe. Your brain won’t let you believe that right now.

I know you think we’d all be better off without you. But your leaving would throw off the balance of people.

You see, most people who want to die by suicide are highly sensitive individuals. Deep feelers.

They are often very creative. They can spot a fake a mile away. They see when others are hurting. They are not put off by other’s misery.

So what happens if you check out?

We will have lost your incredible intuition, your kindness and sensitivity to others.

If you check out, we’re left with analytical bean counters.

Don’t get me wrong, we need bean counters. But we need you, too.

Without you, the world is drained of color

It’s beige and boring.

It’s your lyrics, your writing, your art, your acting, your music, your creativity that stirs deep-seated emotions in us. Only you can do that. I know you have darkness in your soul–the price of having such amazing gifts.

I want you to know that we have not realized your potential yet. If you leave, you take those gifts with you forever and we don’t get to appreciate what you have to offer.

You cheat us out of you. What you can be.

So what do you do next? Reach out.

You won’t find the answer in isolation. Your brain won’t let you.

If you won’t reach out to a friend, reach out to a stranger. Call the Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, text the word start to 741-741. Tweet @annemossrogers and @onelastkick71Make comments here.

Please give us a chance.

You didn’t run into this letter by accident. It was meant for you and you stopped yourself long enough to read it.

If you are still not convinced, see what my friend Jody wrote. I was working on this letter, when I saw hers.

She knows. She’s been there. She gets it.

Heaven can wait.

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The final 48 hours

drained of color
Photo credit Italian photographer Giorgio Cravero

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

30 thoughts on “So you are contemplating suicide…”

  1. I’m 45 and came across your site as I was looking for ways to hang myself. I read your story and the one of your son. I am sorry for your loss. I do understand the desperation your son must have felt as I too deal with depression and suicidal thoughts. I recall being a young man wanting to die and end it all. The things that prompted those thoughts were minor compared to what I am a part of now. I always thought back then that if I gave life a chance it would get better. Boy was I wrong. I have experienced loss and rejection. I have felt insurmountable stress and sadness. I now think if I had killed myself at 12 or 23, I would have avoided all the mental Hell I have felt. Everything seems to be a struggle. I purchased a home and loss it to foreclosure because I couldn’t afford it. I have had my car repossessed. I have been fired from work and taken jobs which could not help me afford my possessions. I have been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. I had two children and both have dropped out of school. I reared them as their other parent abused them as she abused me. I paid child support while I had physical custody and placed the children in private education at the detriment of my finances. I now live in a motel with my youngest and I feel like a failure. I have two master degrees and neither of my children have high school diplomas. My mother tells me my life is cursed because I haven’t repented of my sins. I have a temporary job and live in a hotel and I keep thinking I should have killed myself years ago to avoid the heartache of my existence now. It didn’t get better, I have taken anti depressants and those did help but it was a huge ordeal to even find a therapist. Now I do not have health insurance and that makes things hard. I have struggled with my sexuality and alcoholism and I have come to the conclusion that I would be better off dead. When you lose all hope nothing seems plausible. I use to think and belief that my thought process was wrong and I needed to be positive and I would try and then some type of rejection or loss would happen and place me right back in my sadness. The depression has become all consuming and I feel like I don’t want anything but for this live to be over. I realize everyone struggles as I have aged, but my struggles seem a bit more than others. I can’t help but think that if I had hung myself at 12 or shot myself at 23, I would have avoided the turmoil and sadness that has been produced since I chickened out. I keep hearing that suicide is selfish, but we all ultimately die. I watched my father work and obtain success and die leaving all the things he cherished behind. So why not go now? I have nothing and it won’t matter once I’m dead. The world will go on, my children will be sad and my mom will be a sad martyr. But the sun will come up and they will continue with their lives. I empathize with your loss but you have moved on and found a way to cope with that loss. Those who love me will do the same. My death by suicide, cancer, or accident will be painful to those who care but they will move on and I won’t have to face another day.

    1. Oh Arthur, I am so sorry for your pain and you have helped me understand your struggle. A couple of things. First, your mother telling you that your problems stem from not repenting is hogwash. While religion can help people cope when used as a weapon, to pass judgement it’s not faith but cloaking judgement and hiding it behind religion.

      Second, you said this,”I empathize with your loss but you have moved on and found a way to cope with that loss.” The latter part is true. I have found a way to cope and I use it often. A slight distinction is that I haven’t moved on but I have moved forward. And my son’s death by suicide has defined how I move through it. I have accepted that I will live with regret, pain, sadness and work at it daily to find joy and reasons to move forward. I do so because I am grateful and feel I should fulfill a legacy in my life so that when I do depart, because we all do, I leave something of significance behind.

      Suicide is not selfish but it is an act of desperation in a moment of intense emotional pain. I hope you do think about the son you leave behind who is with you now. My friend Gray said, “I lived for a while from obligation to live,” but now she has found that she can find joy and meaning and it’s my hope you do, too. For me, finding that again was all about believing I would in the face of my son’s death and a brain tumor. Stupidly or foolishly I just kept telling myself that. I found a support system that includes friends, others who’ve suffered this loss and surprisingly, this blog. You are a part of that. If you decide to live, and I hope you do, come back here any time you want to vent or get inspiration. I can rally support from those who have felt just as you do. There are a couple more men who are in similar circumstances as you. One of them has started to heal himself and the other, I don’t know because I don’t always know.

      The first thing you can do is contact your county/city/state to see if you can get treatment either free or at low cost. They usually know the resources to get it paid for. Right now, you need some assistance. You are suffering brain attacks and like a heart attack, that requires treatment. I know all this seems so insurmountable when you are in the frame of mind you are in. It is hard which makes me mad because we’ve swept mental illness under the rug. It shouldn’t be that hard. But I am pulling for you and grateful to you for helping me understand what drives suicide and those thoughts.

      1. Thank you for responding. I appreciate that. Your response made me cry and I felt like someone cared and again I thank you for that.

  2. I’ve been thinking about suicide for many years I would consider the times can close you other times my life will never change I’m 44 years old and I’ve wanted to die since I was six I came on this site or online look up on how to hang myself properly I don’t want to keep going I’m done with the abuse I’m done with the loneliness and I’m done with the pain and I’m done missing my son your thoughts and your words on this Earth very kind and I’m glad it’s helped a lot of people but I truly just give up

    1. I understand your pain. You are so courageous to post here and to have worked through these feelings all these years. Six years old is young. This can be treated and I hope if you have not tried that you will. I didn’t think my life would change after my son’s suicide. So I decided to believe it would and it did. Very slowly it did. Of course I wrote a thousand posts here to make it happen. And this community, people like you, helped me find my voice and healed my broken soul.

      Do join us here were we talk openly of our pain without shame. Maybe with some support, things will change for you. It can’t hurt. You can always kill yourself later. But once you do that it’s final. Anyway, I hope you will reconsider and stay with us. Because we care.

  3. Why are you labeling death as a negative?

    My body. My choice.

    Death may very well be better than what I am having to face on the daily.

    No one knows, and it’s rather closed minded and jusgemental to assume a suicide alternative to current conditions are not valid options.

    1. I do appreciate your sharing point of view but I don’t feel it’s a valid option. Can you tell me what you are facing or dealing with daily to help us understand? I’m not passing judgement, I’m expressing an opinion. I could never pass judgement on those who suffer something I’ve never suffered from. All I can say is how much it hurts from the other side. And honestly, I think Charles, my son, did not want to die.

      Some are quite determined. Others really do want help. I guess I have met enough people who survived an attempt and are glad they survive.

      I appreciate your taking time to comment and share another viewpoint

  4. I can’t stand myself anymore. I hate the person I have become. Addiction with porn and not having ANY friends, makes me very lonely. I just want to be a different person but that is not how God works. I am mean when by myself but put a face on when around others. Just die…hang myself or ?

    1. Troy – I am so sorry you are hurting. I know you must feel very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do or where to start. I pasted a link to a story from a young man in Chicago who started out where you are now. He also said he had no friends and was addicted to porn. He worked at it little by little starting with a support group. That support group gave him some feeling of connection and helped with the loneliness which is what makes you feel so worthless. I know since my son killed himself, I’ve had days like that. Lonely and isolated. So I go to a support group. It just puts me in a room with someone else suffering from something similar to me. I’m listening. Just know that. OK?

      https://annemoss.com/2017/07/04/suffering-depression-addicted-pornography/

  5. I was talking to you at the walk yesterday. When I left I realized that was my brother’s story I told you, not mine. I’m sure if he told his story, it would be different from my version. I am working on my story today & I will email it to you tomorrow. I hope you think it will help someone.

  6. This is beautifully written and so very insightful. Thank you for sharing. You are helping people understand themselves and others with your writing.

  7. Tonight I was contemplating on ending my life. Feeling depressed, sad, deafeated and just plain tired. I looked online on how to hang myself and accidentally came across this post. Safe to say, this has been an eye opener to the reality of what i was about to do; it has saprked something within me (a good feeling) however as much as i would like to say that the dark clouds above my head had disappeared i guess life does not work that way. But it is a start. So thank you. I had wanted to thank you on twitter but it seems that your account can’t recieve any private dms.

    -english is not my native language so forgive me if i have a lot of errors.

    1. Wow Reece. By commenting here you have not only given me hope, but you are offering hope to others contemplating suicide and seeing this post. People read the comments so thank you for making it public. I can’t thank you enough for having the courage to write this. By the way, your English is great.

    2. It was no accident. There isn’t a way to search it up because when you do it automatically brings you to this site. There’s no way around it . Which I agree with.

  8. Thank you so much Anne. You have helped so many of us to open up the discussion of suicide with our families and friends. I know that these conversations will prevent some suicides.

  9. Anne Moss, almost every day you write my deepest thoughts; but I don’t have your talent & writing skills. The ability to translate these feelings into words! The part about our children stirring these deep-seated emotions in us was particularly touching. It is so very sad that we will never see all these beautiful children fulfill their potential.

  10. Thank you Anne. This article gave me a different look on my suicide attempts. Instantly I saw myself as a deep feeling guy, a compationate person, who would be lost if I died. Who knows, maybe these skills would benefit someone in the future. Maybe the purpose of my life is yet to come.

  11. This is just awesome! I wanted to also tell you about a great book I think you might like, and one that your readers might benefit from as well, entitled “Touched With Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is about the link between creativity and mental illness, particularly Bipolar Disorder. It is very enlightening. You are right, creative people are deep feelers, and thus more prone to depression and suicidality. Great article!

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