I want to scream, “Don’t do it!”
I want to beg you not to.
I want to tell you how utterly devastating it is to lose a child and reveal all my naked, agonizing grief over my loss.
Really what I need to do is just listen and let you know you matter.
You think you don’t matter. You might even be scoffing at this letter saying, “This woman doesn’t know me!”
What you don’t know is that you are the center of someone’s universe. Your brain won’t let you believe that right now.
I know you think we’d all be better off without you. But your leaving would throw off the balance of people.
You see, most people who want to die by suicide are highly sensitive individuals. Deep feelers.
They are often very creative. They can spot a fake a mile away. They see when others are hurting. They are not put off by other’s misery.
So what happens if you check out?
We will have lost your incredible intuition, your kindness and sensitivity to others.
If you check out, we’re left with analytical bean counters.
Don’t get me wrong, we need bean counters. But we need you, too.
Without you, the world is drained of color
It’s beige and boring.
It’s your lyrics, your writing, your art, your acting, your music, your creativity that stirs deep-seated emotions in us. Only you can do that. I know you have darkness in your soul–the price of having such amazing gifts.
I want you to know that we have not realized your potential yet. If you leave, you take those gifts with you forever and we don’t get to appreciate what you have to offer.
You cheat us out of you. What you can be.
So what do you do next? Reach out.
You won’t find the answer in isolation. Your brain won’t let you.
If you won’t reach out to a friend, reach out to a stranger. Call the Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, text the word start to 741-741. Tweet @annemossrogers and @startinganew13. Make comments here.
Please give us a chance.
You didn’t run into this letter by accident. It was meant for you and you stopped yourself long enough to read it.
If you are still not convinced, see what my friend Jody wrote. I was working on this letter, when I saw hers.
She knows. She’s been there. She gets it.
Heaven can wait.
I love how every post about suicide prevention is about how it will devastate others around you. Further proof that this species is completely self absorbed and only thinking about how things will impact them directly. No one lifts a finger BEFORE the person kill themselves. They do all the work to “bring awareness” and “make a difference” afterwards simply to soothe their guilt.
People’s utter selfishness, narcissism, and lack of genuine care for others is the reason that many people decide to kill themselves. Not because the world would be better off without us, but that we would be better off without the world.
These types of posts simply confirm that sentiment. In my entire life of 33 years I have only met one selfless person. And in all these years only three people have made a genuine attempt to help me.
If people actually cared, then sensitive people would think this world is worth a damn. We’re not irrational. It’s not because we’re hurting. It’s because this world is fucked, and not worth living in. Humanity is totally unsalvageable.
You make some valid points here Luke. I have come to realize that listening, really allowing someone to feel heard is the most important aspect of helping another person. And supporting someone instead of judging or offering fixes is not worthwhile or helpful.
So in that spirit, I hear you. Thank you for sharing your perspective because that’s the perspective that, over the years, has helped me understand suicidal thinking which I have never believed is “selfish.” Like charles, I think because you are so empathic you find it hard to filter out all the awful things in the world that happen. And maybe internalizing all of them. Let me know if I am right about that. Thanks again for sharing your perspective
Whenever I have a mental breakdown and consider suicide (I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphia, OCD and addiction) I am always told “how could you even be selfish enough to consider suicide? What about your child?”. And people are right, suicide IS selfish. But being forced to stay alive to stop other people from hurting is ALSO selfish. Because ultimately that’s why I’m alive now, at the age of 43, out of sheer guilt of how my death will effect others. And this is no way to live, I have no quality of life, every day is beyond a struggle, its painful both mentally and physically, but I almost feel ‘guilt tripped’ into living. You see heres the thing, some of us are beyond help, and the kindest thing for us is to end our own pain. And keeping us alive forces us to endure more pain, pain that you would never understand. And for many of us rehab won’t work, counselling won’t work, the love from our families won’t work, and people have to understand that we can’t all be saved, no matter how many articles are published on the pain our suicide causes. I cant be guilt tripped any longer into living for the sake of others. And if there is a heaven, I would love to be up there with all of the other addicts that died and tell them ‘sorry’, ‘I’m sorry that people didn’t understand why you did what you did, but I understand and I’m here now’.
i am a burden to myself and others around me ! i want to take my life and the pain to stop, i’ve knocked on deaths door a few times already, ruptured appendix, i had a clonic-tonic siezure last year and died and woke up in hospital, after paramedics revived me, it turned my life upside down, they never found what caused it either after two days in hospital, i wish the person whom found me didn’t ring an ambulance, i’ve always suffered from deprerssion through out my lifetime. i’ve tried commiting suicide by slicing my wrist, taking pill overdoses, going in front 0f a train, now i have made myself a hang rope and written a suicide note. i have reached the end of my perral ! i’m sorry about your sons loss ! but i can’t be a burden to people around me no longer. work people hate me, home is like living in a prison, i’ve given up smoking marijuana for 56 days, doctors won’t change my antidepression medication, tried to get a shrink but the system keeps delaying or failing, i dont think councilling will even help me tbh, i cant see another way out .
d.j.h.- This pains me especially – “i’ve given up smoking marijuana for 56 days, doctors won’t change my antidepression medication, tried to get a shrink but the system keeps delaying or failing.” To know that you did reach out for help and didn’t get it makes my heart hurt. How long have you felt as you do right now? And if you answer, I will reply. I hear you and I’m listening.
i’ve felt like this for a very long time, not sure exactly but long enough ! i have printed off my suicide note and picked a spot where i’m going to end my life. i can’t do this anymore, i’m getting the last of my materials, going to hang myself ! if i had access to a firearm i would use one intsead, seeing ive tried other methods am still alive i’ve cancelled these methods. i’m convinced the Phizer vaccine is the reason why i had the clonic-tonic siezure ! as i did some reading on google and it has been published as a known side affect of this vaccine after i had recieved it, if had known this before hand would have never taken the vaccine in the first place, on record there are 56 people whom have died from the astrozenica vaccine, as a result of blood clots due to the administration of this vaccine, my mother constantly has anaphylactic shocks to due to the covid booster which she was administered ! i think scientests and goverments need to be held accountable for these actions of forcing people to take these vaccine shots, day 57 without marijuana, ill be glad when i have passed away take away the pain, i’ve never been married and have no children of my own. so i wont be leaving them without a parent. my nephew & nieces will be better off without me and they don’t even show much respect for me anyway. my brother is basically out of my life and my sister, she is in my life but has enough on her own plate to deal with, my father lives on the other side of the planet, and i only get to see my mother once a blue moon. dont hear from any other family members anyway including aunts uncles or cousins, so they won’t miss me at all. friends have distanced themselves, so have been extremeley lonely for a while, as i say work dont really like me, and living at home is a like prision on its own accord. i probably would be better living in a criminal prision at this rate. by trade i’m a qualified chef level 2&3. the industry wont miss me at all. anyway enough of my blabbing. Thanks for listening
Regards
D.J.H.
i want to do it, i mean theres really nothing else to live for. i might be pregnant with my exes child i just cant this is too much stress on me. im young still i dont want to do it but if i am pregnant im kicked out the house and have no where to go. this is so much stress 💔
Oh I know that stress. While it didn’t happen for me it did for many friends. And I had three, all of whom made a different decision. And I just said I would support that. You can reach out to the crisis line to find out your options regarding the pregnancy if it’s positive. So stressful. Would your parents kick you out for religious reasons?
Im so sad I care so much for others but feel invisible to them they will never care or believe how badly I hurt
I know you do care for others, Emme. And I am sorry you hurt so badly. What has made you feel invisible?
I don’t want anyone to get hurt or be burdened, just desperately want the pain to stop.
Those words do speak to me. It’s so intense. And I’m so sorry it is so dreadfully intense. So I have a graph of what the suicidal experience is like which has been described this way and I sketched it out based on that description. It allowed some people to see there is a pattern to the pain. If you wish, I can link to it. But what I want to know is how you got to a place of despair? Can you tell me what has happened? I am here to listen.
It’s the same with me.
Hannah. I am sorry it hurts right now. I am here to listen.
This is amazing. Your insight on highly sensitive people is pretty incredible. (INFJ here lol)
I can’t imagine that this hasn’t changed the course for countless people and I commend you for the impact that you’ve had. I can’t say that it’ll change the course for me, as my road is so damaged and now beyond repair.
I stumbled across it because I like most everyone else, googled information related to planning my suicide. Whether suicide was selfish or not was a recent conversation with a few of my family members, and me being…well, me. I was on the hunt for inspiration to help me articulate a letter to my loved ones that would help them understand that my choice to cut out early is not cowardly at all but rather, to save them the pain and agony of having to live with and withstand the burden of me any longer.
They deserve better and would all be much happier without me.
My kids especially. They are great kids and deserve a great mom. I’ll never be able to give them that.
I’m so sorry for your despair. And thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I can hardly believe in your state of mind you’d be so thoughtful but here it is.
Since you mentioned your kids, how many do you have? Can you tell me one thing special about each of them? Since you might be thinking through this anyway given your task?
My son is intuitive, compassionate, and has an amazing heart. My daughter is the same but also has the drive and gifts to make the world a better place. I believe she will someday. There’s no way that someone so incredible came from me.
I made it through another day.
Ive screwed up and put us in such a financial spot that we will sink soon and they will loose everything.
Life insurance money on myself after I die will save them.
Thank you for sharing that with me. It’s pretty amazing that you made it another day. When you are dealing with despair this bad that’s a huge accomplishment.
Is there anyone who will love them like you do? Are you a single parent? I hope you are ok with all my questions. No judgement. I am just trying to find more about you. I am looking listening…
My husband… their father. He’s a good father. He doesn’t quite understand mental illness or really even depression and feels like if I am depressed that he has somehow failed at his job…so needless to say, he has no idea of the magnitude. I’ve kept him in the dark in order to “protect” him…
He pulled me from the depths of my hell once a couple of years ago and I can’t put that on him again…
Although I’ve had a history, the breaking point for me is this pandemic. You see, I’ve worked in the front lines of healthcare since the beginning and had to make decisions on who to treat and who not to treat based on their likelihood of survival. Choose who gets the life saving machines/interventions. In addition to that, when treatment is futile and people/families decide to withdrawal care, I am also the person… The one that had to “let the person go”, AND tell the family that because of a stupid virus, they cannot come and say goodbye to their loved one.
After two years this has taken a toll on my emotional well being so despite not being in a great financial place, 6 weeks ago I took a leave of absence from work. Initially I had support and was getting short term disability which was two thirds of my pay (I’m the bread winner, so this was a huge hit but a necessary one), but after the first 4 weeks my claim was denied which meant I had no income at all. And no support.
When I asked the company why they felt my doctor office notes didn’t support my short term disability claim they said their were no abnormalities even though my last visit note had a plethora of abnormalities including empirically treating a bleeding stomach ulcer secondary to the above mental health issues.
I know you can’t help with any of this, but the world is just so upside down…. It’s absolutely disgusting how people are used and thrown out with the trash.
I hope this makes sense. I had to filter this knowing it was being posted publicly.
Wow. First of all, thank you for telling me how it felt to be the one shouldered with all that responsibility. I can see how it pushed you to a place of despair. I want you to know I read it twice and am likely to come back and read it again. I also want to thank you for being there for our loved ones the best way you could. I am still breathless and in awe. You have been through it. So I want to offer you my email contact form in case you wanted to email privately. I can just listen and if you wanted do a simple safety plan. But no pressure on the latter. I will respect your privacy. I actually think you have a case of getting your disability but I am no lawyer.
As far as your husband not understanding I get it. It’s so complex—depression is. Lastly, do you have a close friend or therapist you trust?
And my contact form if you wanted to use that. Thank you again for telling me what you have and helping me to understand.
https://annemoss.com/contact-2/
I’d like to respond to this and email privately.
I filled out a contact form.
Thank you
You are welcome. I just answered.
Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m not sure if I would have actually gone through with anything, but something about your words talked me out of whatever “anything” would have been. I’ve been struggling recently and this past month has been especially hard. Had a really rough day, started typing concerning things into Google, I don’t know if I wanted to cry for help or just feel seen or what, but one way or another I wound up on this page and I’m so, so grateful. Had a good, cathartic cry over this and I feel more prepared to try doing things that’ll make me happy again. Thank you.
You are so welcome. And if you wanted to talk about it you can. If you don’t want it published, you can use the contact form. Sometimes we just need to feel heard and seen. I can do that at least.
I’ve never been loved. Never felt loved. Not truly. Not unconditionally. I’ve made it through 1 Suicide attempt 6 years ago this week. Since then I’ve had breast cancer, more ptsd than one should be allowed to tolerate and 4 massive surgeries from the cancer. I’m well now. When I I first got diagnosed with cancer I wished it was the kind that would kill me. Quickly. Easily. Then my loved ones couldn’t blame me.
Of course it wasn’t. It was just one night mare after another. I still wish it had killed me because even after that night has changed. Still hate my life, still suffering from ptsd and abandonment issues that make relationships (the only thing I truly want) absolutely impossible. I want love so badly it’s pathetic. I want peace and a decent job and someone who cares about me. I need to be financially secure, which I will never be. I want to be alive and not one of the living dead which is is what my life feels like today.
I do not want to wake up ever again.
I’m am so god damn alone and lonely and life unhappy. I’m desperate for a sign that I’m not useless or worthless. But everyday just proves to me that I am just that. A Bunsen, useless, worthless, utterly unloveable. A curse On those stuck with me In their orbit. I’m planning my suicide now. I don’t think I will change my mind. I understand that it’s probably going to hurt. I can’t try to OD again because I just got sick. I’m considering hanging myself this time. Or getting a super large dose of heroin and OD-ing that way because I’ve never tried it before. It’s happening soon. Ive scheduled visits and a hotel room is booked to accommodate the suicide. I hope everyone understands that it was just too painful to continue. Knowing you have to live another 10-20 years in this kind of pain, alone, abandoned, heart ripped open and exposed, feeling no joy only pain is just too much. I have to go.
Kristi. Please reply if you are still here. I know my son felt as you do so many times. I cannot fix but I can listen. Maybe this is your sign?
I was here
I am honored you found the courage in your despair to comment. That had to take a lot i strength. Thank you. I am listening. And if you reply so will I.
I liked this. I’m currently 22 and in this moment, I am contemplating suicide by the end of this month.
I am Empathic.
I am a deep feeler.
I always wanted to be a singer, reiki healer, writer, & motivational speaker.
I am a beautiful young woman & I’m intelligent.
I just feel like my dreams will never happen because I have always struggled financially.
Every time I try to elevate, it always goes to crap.
I feel like this society in America is specifically set up to make sure poor black people fight 100x harder than others just to get resources to even know how to begin doing better.
Not to mention my bad anxiety causes me to be so ungrounded.
I’ve been assaulted physically & sexually a lot & bullied most of my life.
I’ve always felt like a waste of space.
My family does know I have depression and I have attempted a few times in the past, I just was “lucky” enough to have a team of people behind me.
I have pushed those people out of my life now.
My kid doesn’t live with me anymore because I’ve never been a good mom to her.
She’s much better with her godparents.
The one man I ever truly fell in love with dumped me because I was idiotic enough to still entertain my abusive child’s father, putting the love of my life in a terrible situation. It’s been 8 months since he left me, and all he is now is a constant reminder is to why I will never been good enough to love. I miss him so much. Nobody will ever come close to him. I never want to fall in love again. Heartbreak hurts so bad.
I feel like my life will always be me using my manipulation & good looks to use people out of things to chase temporary highs.
I feel like I deserved to be just good enough to rape & discarded. To be bullied & taunted.
I feel like my life will always be me struggling to make money to properly cloth myself.
My parents tried the best they could, but even they were the source of most of trauma in my life.
Especially my dad.
Now a days I resent them for having me. I wish I was aborted.
I don’t want to bother anyone with my suicidal thoughts.
I hate having to work 40hrs a week just to eat. I hate the idea of paying taxes. I hate the idea of being here on Earth.
I have been looking for suicide methods for a few days.
Staying in my room. Eating nothing but dry cereal.
I hate myself so much & im tired of waking up everyday to no job, Money, purpose & sometimes food.
I really would love for your voice to lead a lot of young people like me. Even as im depressed reading your article, I feel like you get it. You get why we are so miserable. Others brush it off as “millennial problems”. So while I’m here I want to say thank you. And please save others like me with your voice & kind heart.
Wow. This is so well said. You outlined everything here and I appreciate that. You laid your heart out which is what we do here at emotionally naked. I do find that people who have been sexually assaulted and left by a loved one are at the point of suicide. I am so sorry it’s been so hard for you. I also know that many actually set a date and that helps them through a crisis if that makes sense. I’m just sharing what I’ve heard from thousands of others so you know.
Not that I can do this but I am curious. If we could somehow magically change just one thing in your life that would eliminate your suicidal risk altogether, what would that be?
Hi my name is melnica and I was hoping if I could talk to you. I’m ten and I suffer from depression
Hey Melnica. Tell me what’s going on. You must be feeling really bad. If you reply, I will answer.
You should know, this does make a difference. I Googled “why should I stay alive” and this was one of the results. It’s made me pause my plan, at least for now. It’s so hard being in that spot where you don’t want to die but you don’t want to keep living when it hurts so much. It’s hard to fight to stay alive when you’re so tired you don’t want to fight anymore. At least for right now, this letter is enough to keep me here. One breath at a time though, right? Thank you for sharing this.
You have so expertly described your feelings, JB. Those with lived experience tell me about that constant fight in the brain about wanting to live and not wanting to live all at the same time. It has helped me understand my own son’s death and how strong someone has to be to endure these episodes. How confusing and taxing they have to be as you have described so well. So while I could never tell you “I know what you mean,” it’s comments from people like you who have helped me understand it as well as a non-sufferer can. Thank you so much for that gift. And I’m honored you commented here.
I’m so tired. 46 years of this game and I’m old enough now to know whether I want to play anymore. Next is the old person game where our bodies fail and everyone around us dies. No thank you!
Tonight I get to enjoy the dark nothingness that is eternal. No God, No bright light, no happiness. Sounds fitting to a shitty life.
I am sorry for your pain. It’s impossible to to commit depression based suicide and still know the pain (ripple) that it will cause to those around you. True depression is like a staircase one walks dwn. The more steps down the tighter the blinders to others but the better one feels knowing a real solution is close. The last step is a cliff one never returns from (ie. Pulling the trigger, kicking the chair, passing out from the last pill without calling someone). Its truely an unselfish suicide. Please don’t ask someone to keep living in their hell just so you aren’t put thru the loss of them. That is true selfish. Real pain is real pain.
Thank you for letting me tell my thoughts. Goodbye to you
You know when I made that video I didn’t think of it that way. But I do see how you see it and I appreciate your point of view. I am sorry I can’t help more. But I can listen if you are not completely done. I can’t control what you do. I know that. And I won’t claim to “save lives.” The only thing I can do is help others save their own life. So if you wanted to tell me more. I will respond.
No, the world won’t miss me. I’m not magic or colorful or any of that. I don’tmmake the world a better place. No one will miss me. I’m sorry. Not everyone is special.
Tell me more Alan. What triggered your episode of suicidal thought? I’m here to listen.
I’m exhausted and alone and depressed. I don’t do anything worthwhile. I don’t have anyone. They always leave. There’s nothing.
Depression and isolation will do that. Have you had these episodes before? If so what makes this one different?
Tears are streaming down my face. Thanks for giving me good words in the middle of the night tonight.
Now they are streaming down mine. Thank you D, for having the courage to comment. And I hope you will take that next step and tell someone about your thoughts of suicide. Because you deserve support, kindness, and help getting treated for thoughts of suicide. Let me know how you are doing today.
‘I want to tell you how utterly devastating it is to lose a child and reveal all my naked, agonizing grief over my loss’
With all due respect, this is a lousy arguement.
Did you want your child to stay slive for their sake, or for yours? I think it is incredibly selfish to want someone who is in extreme pain to stay alive because otherwise it makes you feel bad.
With many people who do not commit suicide, it is not because they have hope for the future, it is because they are guilted into remaining in pain. We wouldn’t ask someone in physical pain every day to stay alive because ‘maybe the cancer will get better one day’
At the level of severe depression with suicidal ideation, there is no going back, there is only living each day in pain until death, as with any other severe degerative disease.
Telling someone not to kill themselves because of how it will affect their family is like tellung someone how hard their cancer is on everyone else. Selfish and tone deaf.
I would always want my loved ones to be pain free, even if it meant tjey were no longer with me.
It isn’t about me.
I understand and actually agree that that line is a weak argument. That’s why I say I want to tell you but I know it holds about as much of an argument as a colander holds water. It was not my intention to “guilt” you out of suicide. And I also appreciate your sharing with me how it feels. That helps me understand my own son’s death and helps me put it in perspective. But just like I don’t think suicide is selfish, I don’t think not wanting to lose someone this way is selfish either. It is is rarely untreatable and I know there are exceptions to that. If you have a brain injury that might be the case. I don’t think you asked to live with chronic suicidality and I do wish you didn’t. And you are incredibly brave to have lasted as long as you did. The fact you are looking it up means there must be some ambivalence to death. Thank you again for commenting. I’m honored you took the time to express your point of view.
This made me cry. I was searching for painless suicide methods (because I’m a coward) when I came upon your blog. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I admire you for turning this grief into helping others.
I find it hard to believe that I still deserve a place in this world. In any case, I’m adding this in my list of resources for the people I will leave behind, just in case they need it (They don’t). I am really just exhausted and just want the pain to end.
N- I’m so sorry the pain is so relentless. Once you start talking about it (and you have here) it starts to become more manageable with more options. Your own head won’t let you see that if you keep those thoughts isolated there by themselves. Thank you for commenting and sharing your pain.
I can’t do it anymore. I feel so alone and unloved. I keep trying to push through but I’m not strong enough. I just want it to stop. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I’m so sorry EAB. That must feel really terrible. But you have made it so far. And it has been hard. Wouldn’t you say that took courage? And I hear you want the pain to stop. I understand that. How long have you felt this way?
Hi look it’s kinda funny i was here because I thought the website helps me to write a Suicide note Im good at iman but no talent i guess cant expres myself well so i needed help to leave a fablous suicede note behind the last thing ppl will remember me with .. actually im also planning to Suicide and put an end to this stupid life.. it’s really stupid.. i mean why would my society reject someone like me ?! Lol im amazing😂 i believe it’s their loss ! Everyone pushed me to end my life .. the day i die those ppl will turn to killers .. I always believe that ..
let me tell u
I don’t know why but i feel like depressed ppl are the chosen ones
Universe chose us for a mission we are like a white flower that easily gets spots from any dirts or other colors . I hate the feeling comes and go
Sometimes im about to end all this and then i return back to normal i wish I could end this and ignore any normal feelings.. or be happy and ignore depression.. if u die
You will make evil win
Your life isn’t your choice
We have right from you
If you kill yourself you will encourage me to do the same
Suicide is contagious..
we had a Suicide case happened in our city about 8 more killed themselves the same week!
That’s what stops me
That what should stop you too
If you don’t care about your life
People with the same situation as you care
I care , u die .. i die
We are all connected all depressed ppl have something in common.. its like a chain we all need eachother
We are the ones who will change the world
I believe and read here that you do care. And that the suicide thinking comes and goes. That has to be so confusing. But it is what I hear from those whose brains have those thoughts. You have written an interesting perspective here. You’ve helped me understand your pain. It is distressing how contagious suicide can be in a community. Are your thoughts the result of depression, trauma or some other mental health issue?
And last, all of those who struggle with these thoughts are typically very empathetic. We really could use all of you as the world is changing right now and that’s what we need most.
I’ve been having a hard time trying to keep these thoughts under control, but after reading this it helped me calm down. Thank you Anne, I’m trying my best.
You are welcome Kimberly. I am honored you felt enough trust to leave this comment here. I am concerned though. It sounds like you are having these thoughts frequently. Suicide is serious and I want to help you keep yourself safe. Can you enter the crisis text line in your phone please? 741-741. That’s a start. I want you to know that suicidal thoughts are treatable. So it looks like you might be in an area where this crisis line would be a good one for you to call. It is free. (209) 558-4600 You can also tell someone like a parent, teacher or school counselor. Feel free to reply and tell me more about you and what hurts.
I feel like killing myself I’ve tried hanging myself but I haven’t been successful yet how can I hang myself properly
Devon- I sense your pain and I am sorry you suffer from it so much. Tell me what else is going on.
I have been in this dark place before, My wife left me after 21 yrs of marriage back in 2008, this was a shock to the system as you can probably appreciate. I was also accused of doing something that I would never even contemplate so that was a double whammy, I felt like I had been ran down by a steam train and then reversed over for good measure. Ive been to see numerous counsellor’s a few times over the past 10 years but it didn’t really take the pain away (which I still live with as we speak) I then signed up for a course in counselling where I met a beautiful lady, I feel in love again, in2013 I moved into her house with her and things were ok for the next 2 or 3 yrs, but I failed and failed again, I tried to set up my own business which to cut a long story short “FAILED”. I had spent a lot of money on setting it all up, my partner even helped me financially. Time passed and my dad passed away and I received some money from the sale of his house, with which I paid my partner back. So that was off my conscience. Over the past 3 yrs I have suffered really badly with the Black dog chasing me in my dreams and through every waking moment. Ive been taking anti- depressants for at least 3 yrs now and truthfully speaking they have done no good to me whatsoever. So my depression started to affect the relationship, I am always moaning on about stuff, when i’m driving (which I have come to hate) I am so wound up by inconsiderate people who cannot seem to drive with safety in mind. The world has gone mad!!! And to top that off nicely my partner has just told me today that she cant handle it any longer, I haven’t been able to get a job over the last 6 yrs since my business failed, and I cannot claim any benefit from the government because I am living with someone who works more than 16 hours a week!! So as you can see I am caught between a rock and a hard place. There is so much more to this carnage in my pitiful life that I cant be bothered to tell. I love my partner so very very much and I am gutted that she has decided that we should go our own ways, Believe it or not she is a counsellor herself! I had to live alone when my wife of 21 yrs left me, I would rather be dead than have to go though all that again. Sorry but I do not want to be a part of this sad world any more its gotten far to hard for me now.
Phil, I am so honored you have written what you have and shared so much here. And that is a lot of pain and agony. Losing love is so hard and it rattles us to the core as it has you. Unpacking everything at once is overwhelming but so good you wrote it all out. Are there other people in your life who mean a lot to you?
I’m searching for the best way to say goodbye to my loved ones.
I’m trying to write the letter, because I’m doing it today.
Sorry mom, dad, sis. I’m sorry my friends, but there was nothing you could do. It was my choice.
I’m so sorry your pain is this great. Please tell me more about your family, Andrei. Each of them if you don’t mind. You can always delay your final hour long enough to take time to share what is so special about these loved ones in your life.
I came across your site searching for a way to end my life. On the exterior you could never tell I’m in an intense battle with the abyss, but I am and I am losing severely.
You have a lovely heart and what you’re doing is very important, I’m sorry for your loss.
James please tell me more. I feel concern about your search for a way to die and hope you will tell me about your pain. It must be awful if you have taken that step of searching. I am honored you were so kind as to comment on my loss in your personal state of anguish.
Anne, thank you so much for all you do. Someone very close to me attempted suicide this year & it brought me to my knees. I was blessed to get this person hospitalized & medicated & now on a brighter path forwhich I am forever grateful. For all of you contemplating please utilize the resources Anne has shared before you do something that will crush so many others. Your lives are worth living.
Kate – Thank you for being there for someone else and not writing it off as “someone else will know what to do.” Love this story.
I am 16, alone,paranoid and afraid.
You are not alone. I am here. Tell me what’s hurting. There is a crisis text line, too in you are in the USA 741-741.
I’m 45 and came across your site as I was looking for ways to hang myself. I read your story and the one of your son. I am sorry for your loss. I do understand the desperation your son must have felt as I too deal with depression and suicidal thoughts. I recall being a young man wanting to die and end it all. The things that prompted those thoughts were minor compared to what I am a part of now. I always thought back then that if I gave life a chance it would get better. Boy was I wrong. I have experienced loss and rejection. I have felt insurmountable stress and sadness. I now think if I had killed myself at 12 or 23, I would have avoided all the mental Hell I have felt. Everything seems to be a struggle. I purchased a home and loss it to foreclosure because I couldn’t afford it. I have had my car repossessed. I have been fired from work and taken jobs which could not help me afford my possessions. I have been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. I had two children and both have dropped out of school. I reared them as their other parent abused them as she abused me. I paid child support while I had physical custody and placed the children in private education at the detriment of my finances. I now live in a motel with my youngest and I feel like a failure. I have two master degrees and neither of my children have high school diplomas. My mother tells me my life is cursed because I haven’t repented of my sins. I have a temporary job and live in a hotel and I keep thinking I should have killed myself years ago to avoid the heartache of my existence now. It didn’t get better, I have taken anti depressants and those did help but it was a huge ordeal to even find a therapist. Now I do not have health insurance and that makes things hard. I have struggled with my sexuality and alcoholism and I have come to the conclusion that I would be better off dead. When you lose all hope nothing seems plausible. I use to think and belief that my thought process was wrong and I needed to be positive and I would try and then some type of rejection or loss would happen and place me right back in my sadness. The depression has become all consuming and I feel like I don’t want anything but for this live to be over. I realize everyone struggles as I have aged, but my struggles seem a bit more than others. I can’t help but think that if I had hung myself at 12 or shot myself at 23, I would have avoided the turmoil and sadness that has been produced since I chickened out. I keep hearing that suicide is selfish, but we all ultimately die. I watched my father work and obtain success and die leaving all the things he cherished behind. So why not go now? I have nothing and it won’t matter once I’m dead. The world will go on, my children will be sad and my mom will be a sad martyr. But the sun will come up and they will continue with their lives. I empathize with your loss but you have moved on and found a way to cope with that loss. Those who love me will do the same. My death by suicide, cancer, or accident will be painful to those who care but they will move on and I won’t have to face another day.
Oh Arthur, I am so sorry for your pain and you have helped me understand your struggle. A couple of things. First, your mother telling you that your problems stem from not repenting is hogwash. While religion can help people cope when used as a weapon, to pass judgement it’s not faith but cloaking judgement and hiding it behind religion.
Second, you said this,”I empathize with your loss but you have moved on and found a way to cope with that loss.” The latter part is true. I have found a way to cope and I use it often. A slight distinction is that I haven’t moved on but I have moved forward. And my son’s death by suicide has defined how I move through it. I have accepted that I will live with regret, pain, sadness and work at it daily to find joy and reasons to move forward. I do so because I am grateful and feel I should fulfill a legacy in my life so that when I do depart, because we all do, I leave something of significance behind.
Suicide is not selfish but it is an act of desperation in a moment of intense emotional pain. I hope you do think about the son you leave behind who is with you now. My friend Gray said, “I lived for a while from obligation to live,” but now she has found that she can find joy and meaning and it’s my hope you do, too. For me, finding that again was all about believing I would in the face of my son’s death and a brain tumor. Stupidly or foolishly I just kept telling myself that. I found a support system that includes friends, others who’ve suffered this loss and surprisingly, this blog. You are a part of that. If you decide to live, and I hope you do, come back here any time you want to vent or get inspiration. I can rally support from those who have felt just as you do. There are a couple more men who are in similar circumstances as you. One of them has started to heal himself and the other, I don’t know because I don’t always know.
The first thing you can do is contact your county/city/state to see if you can get treatment either free or at low cost. They usually know the resources to get it paid for. Right now, you need some assistance. You are suffering brain attacks and like a heart attack, that requires treatment. I know all this seems so insurmountable when you are in the frame of mind you are in. It is hard which makes me mad because we’ve swept mental illness under the rug. It shouldn’t be that hard. But I am pulling for you and grateful to you for helping me understand what drives suicide and those thoughts.
Thank you for responding. I appreciate that. Your response made me cry and I felt like someone cared and again I thank you for that.
It’s the holidays and I am having a tough day. Your response here just gave me the best feeling and will be what I use this whole week to inspire me. Thank you. You helped me too. 🙂
I feel like this guy but don’t want to write details right now. I appreciate how thoughtful both this man and Anne’s responses ( Anne’s responses all seem compassionate). It is interesting to see both sides of the coin. The person who feels kind of like me and the perspective of someone dealing with the loss. I cried a bit reading this man’s story.
I have made many mistakes and some have now come back to haunt me. I am terrified more will come back to haunt me over the next year or two. Like this man I feel like I would have been better off doing this when I was younger rather than now, in my later 40s. Then I wouldn’t make these big financial mistakes! If there was an easy way to do it, I would. Somehow looking up how to do it, you end up here. Anyways, I am in no immediate danger. Guess I just want to say I can deeply relate to Arthur. It doesn’t get better. That is a lie. I don’t want to live. But don’t know how to die
Alexander I am so sorry things have gotten so bad for you and I am honored you wrote what you did here. It helps me and others understand. Does writing it down help you at all? I have regrets too but got to the point I just had to forgive myself for my human mistakes including financial ones. Carrying around all that regret just got too heavy.
I’ve been thinking about suicide for many years I would consider the times can close you other times my life will never change I’m 44 years old and I’ve wanted to die since I was six I came on this site or online look up on how to hang myself properly I don’t want to keep going I’m done with the abuse I’m done with the loneliness and I’m done with the pain and I’m done missing my son your thoughts and your words on this Earth very kind and I’m glad it’s helped a lot of people but I truly just give up
I understand your pain. You are so courageous to post here and to have worked through these feelings all these years. Six years old is young. This can be treated and I hope if you have not tried that you will. I didn’t think my life would change after my son’s suicide. So I decided to believe it would and it did. Very slowly it did. Of course I wrote a thousand posts here to make it happen. And this community, people like you, helped me find my voice and healed my broken soul.
Do join us here were we talk openly of our pain without shame. Maybe with some support, things will change for you. It can’t hurt. You can always kill yourself later. But once you do that it’s final. Anyway, I hope you will reconsider and stay with us. Because we care.
Why are you labeling death as a negative?
My body. My choice.
Death may very well be better than what I am having to face on the daily.
No one knows, and it’s rather closed minded and jusgemental to assume a suicide alternative to current conditions are not valid options.
I do appreciate your sharing point of view but I don’t feel it’s a valid option. Can you tell me what you are facing or dealing with daily to help us understand? I’m not passing judgement, I’m expressing an opinion. I could never pass judgement on those who suffer something I’ve never suffered from. All I can say is how much it hurts from the other side. And honestly, I think Charles, my son, did not want to die.
Some are quite determined. Others really do want help. I guess I have met enough people who survived an attempt and are glad they survive.
I appreciate your taking time to comment and share another viewpoint
I can’t stand myself anymore. I hate the person I have become. Addiction with porn and not having ANY friends, makes me very lonely. I just want to be a different person but that is not how God works. I am mean when by myself but put a face on when around others. Just die…hang myself or ?
Troy – I am so sorry you are hurting. I know you must feel very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do or where to start. I pasted a link to a story from a young man in Chicago who started out where you are now. He also said he had no friends and was addicted to porn. He worked at it little by little starting with a support group. That support group gave him some feeling of connection and helped with the loneliness which is what makes you feel so worthless. I know since my son killed himself, I’ve had days like that. Lonely and isolated. So I go to a support group. It just puts me in a room with someone else suffering from something similar to me. I’m listening. Just know that. OK?
https://annemoss.com/2017/07/04/suffering-depression-addicted-pornography/
Dude don’t give up porn addiction is tough but you will get through it.
Thank you Anonymous for being there for others
I was talking to you at the walk yesterday. When I left I realized that was my brother’s story I told you, not mine. I’m sure if he told his story, it would be different from my version. I am working on my story today & I will email it to you tomorrow. I hope you think it will help someone.
That sounds good, Jamie. Thank you.
This is beautifully written and so very insightful. Thank you for sharing. You are helping people understand themselves and others with your writing.
christine- I can’t believe someone reached out. I’m so grateful.
Tonight I was contemplating on ending my life. Feeling depressed, sad, deafeated and just plain tired. I looked online on how to hang myself and accidentally came across this post. Safe to say, this has been an eye opener to the reality of what i was about to do; it has saprked something within me (a good feeling) however as much as i would like to say that the dark clouds above my head had disappeared i guess life does not work that way. But it is a start. So thank you. I had wanted to thank you on twitter but it seems that your account can’t recieve any private dms.
-english is not my native language so forgive me if i have a lot of errors.
Wow Reece. By commenting here you have not only given me hope, but you are offering hope to others contemplating suicide and seeing this post. People read the comments so thank you for making it public. I can’t thank you enough for having the courage to write this. By the way, your English is great.
It was no accident. There isn’t a way to search it up because when you do it automatically brings you to this site. There’s no way around it . Which I agree with.
Thank you so much Anne. You have helped so many of us to open up the discussion of suicide with our families and friends. I know that these conversations will prevent some suicides.
Your commenting and sharing has helped me make that happen, Ann. So thank you as well.
Anne Moss, almost every day you write my deepest thoughts; but I don’t have your talent & writing skills. The ability to translate these feelings into words! The part about our children stirring these deep-seated emotions in us was particularly touching. It is so very sad that we will never see all these beautiful children fulfill their potential.
I hope I get to meet you one day. The stigma makes it so hard for people to reach out.
God bless you and grant you His peace. You are making such a difference.🌹😘
Thank you for your dedication Joanna.
Thank you Anne. This article gave me a different look on my suicide attempts. Instantly I saw myself as a deep feeling guy, a compationate person, who would be lost if I died. Who knows, maybe these skills would benefit someone in the future. Maybe the purpose of my life is yet to come.
You truly made my day. I hope you have gotten help. It took so much courage for you to say that.
Anne Moss, you speak from a place that few know, and you are making such a difference. It is beautiful. ❤️
This is just awesome! I wanted to also tell you about a great book I think you might like, and one that your readers might benefit from as well, entitled “Touched With Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is about the link between creativity and mental illness, particularly Bipolar Disorder. It is very enlightening. You are right, creative people are deep feelers, and thus more prone to depression and suicidality. Great article!
Thank you. I will share the book with someone I spoke to last night
i myself suffer from bi-polar dissorder and suicide is at the top of my list, ive tried several times, and dispite being alive still, i am on the verge of trying again, i live in a dark hole, no light at the end of the tunnel, tried shrinks, no help, antidepression medication, i believe this made it worse, have literally no friends, work is a hell hole, home is like prision, being secludid from society, ill be happy once i’m gone personally, dont have kids, never been married, and i dont think i could even get a partner even if i tried to, I consider myself a waist of space an oxygen thief and a waist of skin & bones, i even if i did get a G.F. i would never want to burden her with my dark thoughts and suicide attempts and constant bi-polar depression as it would be a burden to her !
You have been through it. Since you mentioned her. Tell me more about your sister. If that’s ok you can share a story about her.
Can you email me? Thank you
Yes