So you are contemplating suicide…

Photo credit Italian photographer Giorgio Cravero

I want to scream, “Don’t do it!”

I want to beg you not to.

I want to tell you how utterly devastating it is to lose a child and reveal all my naked, agonizing grief over my loss.

Really what I need to do is just listen and let you know you matter.

You think you don’t matter. You might even be scoffing at this letter saying, “This woman doesn’t know me!”

What you don’t know is that you are the center of someone’s universe. Your brain won’t let you believe that right now.

I know you think we’d all be better off without you. But your leaving would throw off the balance of people.

You see, most people who want to die by suicide are highly sensitive individuals. Deep feelers.

They are often very creative. They can spot a fake a mile away. They see when others are hurting. They are not put off by other’s misery.

So what happens if you check out?

We will have lost your incredible intuition, your kindness and sensitivity to others.

If you check out, we’re left with analytical bean counters.

Don’t get me wrong, we need bean counters. But we need you, too.

Without you, the world is drained of color

It’s beige and boring.

It’s your lyrics, your writing, your art, your acting, your music, your creativity that stirs deep-seated emotions in us. Only you can do that. I know you have darkness in your soul–the price of having such amazing gifts.

I want you to know that we have not realized your potential yet. If you leave, you take those gifts with you forever and we don’t get to appreciate what you have to offer.

You cheat us out of you. What you can be.

So what do you do next? Reach out.

You won’t find the answer in isolation. Your brain won’t let you.

If you won’t reach out to a friend, reach out to a stranger. Call the Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, text the word start to 741-741. Tweet @annemossrogers and @onelastkick71Make comments here.

Please give us a chance.

You didn’t run into this letter by accident. It was meant for you and you stopped yourself long enough to read it.

If you are still not convinced, see what my friend Jody wrote. I was working on this letter, when I saw hers.

She knows. She’s been there. She gets it.

Heaven can wait.

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Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

54 thoughts on “So you are contemplating suicide…”

  1. This made me cry. I was searching for painless suicide methods (because I’m a coward) when I came upon your blog. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I admire you for turning this grief into helping others.

    I find it hard to believe that I still deserve a place in this world. In any case, I’m adding this in my list of resources for the people I will leave behind, just in case they need it (They don’t). I am really just exhausted and just want the pain to end.

    1. N- I’m so sorry the pain is so relentless. Once you start talking about it (and you have here) it starts to become more manageable with more options. Your own head won’t let you see that if you keep those thoughts isolated there by themselves. Thank you for commenting and sharing your pain.

  2. I can’t do it anymore. I feel so alone and unloved. I keep trying to push through but I’m not strong enough. I just want it to stop. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

    1. I’m so sorry EAB. That must feel really terrible. But you have made it so far. And it has been hard. Wouldn’t you say that took courage? And I hear you want the pain to stop. I understand that. How long have you felt this way?

    2. Hi look it’s kinda funny i was here because I thought the website helps me to write a Suicide note Im good at iman but no talent i guess cant expres myself well so i needed help to leave a fablous suicede note behind the last thing ppl will remember me with .. actually im also planning to Suicide and put an end to this stupid life.. it’s really stupid.. i mean why would my society reject someone like me ?! Lol im amazing😂 i believe it’s their loss ! Everyone pushed me to end my life .. the day i die those ppl will turn to killers .. I always believe that ..
      let me tell u
      I don’t know why but i feel like depressed ppl are the chosen ones
      Universe chose us for a mission we are like a white flower that easily gets spots from any dirts or other colors . I hate the feeling comes and go
      Sometimes im about to end all this and then i return back to normal i wish I could end this and ignore any normal feelings.. or be happy and ignore depression.. if u die
      You will make evil win
      Your life isn’t your choice
      We have right from you
      If you kill yourself you will encourage me to do the same
      Suicide is contagious..
      we had a Suicide case happened in our city about 8 more killed themselves the same week!
      That’s what stops me
      That what should stop you too
      If you don’t care about your life
      People with the same situation as you care
      I care , u die .. i die
      We are all connected all depressed ppl have something in common.. its like a chain we all need eachother
      We are the ones who will change the world

      1. I believe and read here that you do care. And that the suicide thinking comes and goes. That has to be so confusing. But it is what I hear from those whose brains have those thoughts. You have written an interesting perspective here. You’ve helped me understand your pain. It is distressing how contagious suicide can be in a community. Are your thoughts the result of depression, trauma or some other mental health issue?

        And last, all of those who struggle with these thoughts are typically very empathetic. We really could use all of you as the world is changing right now and that’s what we need most.

  3. I’ve been having a hard time trying to keep these thoughts under control, but after reading this it helped me calm down. Thank you Anne, I’m trying my best.

    1. You are welcome Kimberly. I am honored you felt enough trust to leave this comment here. I am concerned though. It sounds like you are having these thoughts frequently. Suicide is serious and I want to help you keep yourself safe. Can you enter the crisis text line in your phone please? 741-741. That’s a start. I want you to know that suicidal thoughts are treatable. So it looks like you might be in an area where this crisis line would be a good one for you to call. It is free. (209) 558-4600 You can also tell someone like a parent, teacher or school counselor. Feel free to reply and tell me more about you and what hurts.

      1. I feel like killing myself I’ve tried hanging myself but I haven’t been successful yet how can I hang myself properly

  4. I have been in this dark place before, My wife left me after 21 yrs of marriage back in 2008, this was a shock to the system as you can probably appreciate. I was also accused of doing something that I would never even contemplate so that was a double whammy, I felt like I had been ran down by a steam train and then reversed over for good measure. Ive been to see numerous counsellor’s a few times over the past 10 years but it didn’t really take the pain away (which I still live with as we speak) I then signed up for a course in counselling where I met a beautiful lady, I feel in love again, in2013 I moved into her house with her and things were ok for the next 2 or 3 yrs, but I failed and failed again, I tried to set up my own business which to cut a long story short “FAILED”. I had spent a lot of money on setting it all up, my partner even helped me financially. Time passed and my dad passed away and I received some money from the sale of his house, with which I paid my partner back. So that was off my conscience. Over the past 3 yrs I have suffered really badly with the Black dog chasing me in my dreams and through every waking moment. Ive been taking anti- depressants for at least 3 yrs now and truthfully speaking they have done no good to me whatsoever. So my depression started to affect the relationship, I am always moaning on about stuff, when i’m driving (which I have come to hate) I am so wound up by inconsiderate people who cannot seem to drive with safety in mind. The world has gone mad!!! And to top that off nicely my partner has just told me today that she cant handle it any longer, I haven’t been able to get a job over the last 6 yrs since my business failed, and I cannot claim any benefit from the government because I am living with someone who works more than 16 hours a week!! So as you can see I am caught between a rock and a hard place. There is so much more to this carnage in my pitiful life that I cant be bothered to tell. I love my partner so very very much and I am gutted that she has decided that we should go our own ways, Believe it or not she is a counsellor herself! I had to live alone when my wife of 21 yrs left me, I would rather be dead than have to go though all that again. Sorry but I do not want to be a part of this sad world any more its gotten far to hard for me now.

    1. Phil, I am so honored you have written what you have and shared so much here. And that is a lot of pain and agony. Losing love is so hard and it rattles us to the core as it has you. Unpacking everything at once is overwhelming but so good you wrote it all out. Are there other people in your life who mean a lot to you?

  5. I’m searching for the best way to say goodbye to my loved ones.
    I’m trying to write the letter, because I’m doing it today.
    Sorry mom, dad, sis. I’m sorry my friends, but there was nothing you could do. It was my choice.

    1. I’m so sorry your pain is this great. Please tell me more about your family, Andrei. Each of them if you don’t mind. You can always delay your final hour long enough to take time to share what is so special about these loved ones in your life.

  6. I came across your site searching for a way to end my life. On the exterior you could never tell I’m in an intense battle with the abyss, but I am and I am losing severely.
    You have a lovely heart and what you’re doing is very important, I’m sorry for your loss.

    1. James please tell me more. I feel concern about your search for a way to die and hope you will tell me about your pain. It must be awful if you have taken that step of searching. I am honored you were so kind as to comment on my loss in your personal state of anguish.

  7. Anne, thank you so much for all you do. Someone very close to me attempted suicide this year & it brought me to my knees. I was blessed to get this person hospitalized & medicated & now on a brighter path forwhich I am forever grateful. For all of you contemplating please utilize the resources Anne has shared before you do something that will crush so many others. Your lives are worth living.

  8. I’m 45 and came across your site as I was looking for ways to hang myself. I read your story and the one of your son. I am sorry for your loss. I do understand the desperation your son must have felt as I too deal with depression and suicidal thoughts. I recall being a young man wanting to die and end it all. The things that prompted those thoughts were minor compared to what I am a part of now. I always thought back then that if I gave life a chance it would get better. Boy was I wrong. I have experienced loss and rejection. I have felt insurmountable stress and sadness. I now think if I had killed myself at 12 or 23, I would have avoided all the mental Hell I have felt. Everything seems to be a struggle. I purchased a home and loss it to foreclosure because I couldn’t afford it. I have had my car repossessed. I have been fired from work and taken jobs which could not help me afford my possessions. I have been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. I had two children and both have dropped out of school. I reared them as their other parent abused them as she abused me. I paid child support while I had physical custody and placed the children in private education at the detriment of my finances. I now live in a motel with my youngest and I feel like a failure. I have two master degrees and neither of my children have high school diplomas. My mother tells me my life is cursed because I haven’t repented of my sins. I have a temporary job and live in a hotel and I keep thinking I should have killed myself years ago to avoid the heartache of my existence now. It didn’t get better, I have taken anti depressants and those did help but it was a huge ordeal to even find a therapist. Now I do not have health insurance and that makes things hard. I have struggled with my sexuality and alcoholism and I have come to the conclusion that I would be better off dead. When you lose all hope nothing seems plausible. I use to think and belief that my thought process was wrong and I needed to be positive and I would try and then some type of rejection or loss would happen and place me right back in my sadness. The depression has become all consuming and I feel like I don’t want anything but for this live to be over. I realize everyone struggles as I have aged, but my struggles seem a bit more than others. I can’t help but think that if I had hung myself at 12 or shot myself at 23, I would have avoided the turmoil and sadness that has been produced since I chickened out. I keep hearing that suicide is selfish, but we all ultimately die. I watched my father work and obtain success and die leaving all the things he cherished behind. So why not go now? I have nothing and it won’t matter once I’m dead. The world will go on, my children will be sad and my mom will be a sad martyr. But the sun will come up and they will continue with their lives. I empathize with your loss but you have moved on and found a way to cope with that loss. Those who love me will do the same. My death by suicide, cancer, or accident will be painful to those who care but they will move on and I won’t have to face another day.

    1. Oh Arthur, I am so sorry for your pain and you have helped me understand your struggle. A couple of things. First, your mother telling you that your problems stem from not repenting is hogwash. While religion can help people cope when used as a weapon, to pass judgement it’s not faith but cloaking judgement and hiding it behind religion.

      Second, you said this,”I empathize with your loss but you have moved on and found a way to cope with that loss.” The latter part is true. I have found a way to cope and I use it often. A slight distinction is that I haven’t moved on but I have moved forward. And my son’s death by suicide has defined how I move through it. I have accepted that I will live with regret, pain, sadness and work at it daily to find joy and reasons to move forward. I do so because I am grateful and feel I should fulfill a legacy in my life so that when I do depart, because we all do, I leave something of significance behind.

      Suicide is not selfish but it is an act of desperation in a moment of intense emotional pain. I hope you do think about the son you leave behind who is with you now. My friend Gray said, “I lived for a while from obligation to live,” but now she has found that she can find joy and meaning and it’s my hope you do, too. For me, finding that again was all about believing I would in the face of my son’s death and a brain tumor. Stupidly or foolishly I just kept telling myself that. I found a support system that includes friends, others who’ve suffered this loss and surprisingly, this blog. You are a part of that. If you decide to live, and I hope you do, come back here any time you want to vent or get inspiration. I can rally support from those who have felt just as you do. There are a couple more men who are in similar circumstances as you. One of them has started to heal himself and the other, I don’t know because I don’t always know.

      The first thing you can do is contact your county/city/state to see if you can get treatment either free or at low cost. They usually know the resources to get it paid for. Right now, you need some assistance. You are suffering brain attacks and like a heart attack, that requires treatment. I know all this seems so insurmountable when you are in the frame of mind you are in. It is hard which makes me mad because we’ve swept mental illness under the rug. It shouldn’t be that hard. But I am pulling for you and grateful to you for helping me understand what drives suicide and those thoughts.

      1. Thank you for responding. I appreciate that. Your response made me cry and I felt like someone cared and again I thank you for that.

          1. I feel like this guy but don’t want to write details right now. I appreciate how thoughtful both this man and Anne’s responses ( Anne’s responses all seem compassionate). It is interesting to see both sides of the coin. The person who feels kind of like me and the perspective of someone dealing with the loss. I cried a bit reading this man’s story.
            I have made many mistakes and some have now come back to haunt me. I am terrified more will come back to haunt me over the next year or two. Like this man I feel like I would have been better off doing this when I was younger rather than now, in my later 40s. Then I wouldn’t make these big financial mistakes! If there was an easy way to do it, I would. Somehow looking up how to do it, you end up here. Anyways, I am in no immediate danger. Guess I just want to say I can deeply relate to Arthur. It doesn’t get better. That is a lie. I don’t want to live. But don’t know how to die

            1. Alexander I am so sorry things have gotten so bad for you and I am honored you wrote what you did here. It helps me and others understand. Does writing it down help you at all? I have regrets too but got to the point I just had to forgive myself for my human mistakes including financial ones. Carrying around all that regret just got too heavy.

  9. I’ve been thinking about suicide for many years I would consider the times can close you other times my life will never change I’m 44 years old and I’ve wanted to die since I was six I came on this site or online look up on how to hang myself properly I don’t want to keep going I’m done with the abuse I’m done with the loneliness and I’m done with the pain and I’m done missing my son your thoughts and your words on this Earth very kind and I’m glad it’s helped a lot of people but I truly just give up

    1. I understand your pain. You are so courageous to post here and to have worked through these feelings all these years. Six years old is young. This can be treated and I hope if you have not tried that you will. I didn’t think my life would change after my son’s suicide. So I decided to believe it would and it did. Very slowly it did. Of course I wrote a thousand posts here to make it happen. And this community, people like you, helped me find my voice and healed my broken soul.

      Do join us here were we talk openly of our pain without shame. Maybe with some support, things will change for you. It can’t hurt. You can always kill yourself later. But once you do that it’s final. Anyway, I hope you will reconsider and stay with us. Because we care.

  10. Why are you labeling death as a negative?

    My body. My choice.

    Death may very well be better than what I am having to face on the daily.

    No one knows, and it’s rather closed minded and jusgemental to assume a suicide alternative to current conditions are not valid options.

    1. I do appreciate your sharing point of view but I don’t feel it’s a valid option. Can you tell me what you are facing or dealing with daily to help us understand? I’m not passing judgement, I’m expressing an opinion. I could never pass judgement on those who suffer something I’ve never suffered from. All I can say is how much it hurts from the other side. And honestly, I think Charles, my son, did not want to die.

      Some are quite determined. Others really do want help. I guess I have met enough people who survived an attempt and are glad they survive.

      I appreciate your taking time to comment and share another viewpoint

  11. I can’t stand myself anymore. I hate the person I have become. Addiction with porn and not having ANY friends, makes me very lonely. I just want to be a different person but that is not how God works. I am mean when by myself but put a face on when around others. Just die…hang myself or ?

    1. Troy – I am so sorry you are hurting. I know you must feel very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do or where to start. I pasted a link to a story from a young man in Chicago who started out where you are now. He also said he had no friends and was addicted to porn. He worked at it little by little starting with a support group. That support group gave him some feeling of connection and helped with the loneliness which is what makes you feel so worthless. I know since my son killed himself, I’ve had days like that. Lonely and isolated. So I go to a support group. It just puts me in a room with someone else suffering from something similar to me. I’m listening. Just know that. OK?

  12. I was talking to you at the walk yesterday. When I left I realized that was my brother’s story I told you, not mine. I’m sure if he told his story, it would be different from my version. I am working on my story today & I will email it to you tomorrow. I hope you think it will help someone.

  13. This is beautifully written and so very insightful. Thank you for sharing. You are helping people understand themselves and others with your writing.

  14. Tonight I was contemplating on ending my life. Feeling depressed, sad, deafeated and just plain tired. I looked online on how to hang myself and accidentally came across this post. Safe to say, this has been an eye opener to the reality of what i was about to do; it has saprked something within me (a good feeling) however as much as i would like to say that the dark clouds above my head had disappeared i guess life does not work that way. But it is a start. So thank you. I had wanted to thank you on twitter but it seems that your account can’t recieve any private dms.

    -english is not my native language so forgive me if i have a lot of errors.

    1. Wow Reece. By commenting here you have not only given me hope, but you are offering hope to others contemplating suicide and seeing this post. People read the comments so thank you for making it public. I can’t thank you enough for having the courage to write this. By the way, your English is great.

    2. It was no accident. There isn’t a way to search it up because when you do it automatically brings you to this site. There’s no way around it . Which I agree with.

  15. Thank you so much Anne. You have helped so many of us to open up the discussion of suicide with our families and friends. I know that these conversations will prevent some suicides.

  16. Anne Moss, almost every day you write my deepest thoughts; but I don’t have your talent & writing skills. The ability to translate these feelings into words! The part about our children stirring these deep-seated emotions in us was particularly touching. It is so very sad that we will never see all these beautiful children fulfill their potential.

  17. Thank you Anne. This article gave me a different look on my suicide attempts. Instantly I saw myself as a deep feeling guy, a compationate person, who would be lost if I died. Who knows, maybe these skills would benefit someone in the future. Maybe the purpose of my life is yet to come.

  18. This is just awesome! I wanted to also tell you about a great book I think you might like, and one that your readers might benefit from as well, entitled “Touched With Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is about the link between creativity and mental illness, particularly Bipolar Disorder. It is very enlightening. You are right, creative people are deep feelers, and thus more prone to depression and suicidality. Great article!

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