I am the Graham who posted on your site on July 23. Thank you for taking the time and thought to respond to me, a complete stranger.
Since then, I have entered into a CBT program. I’m not sure if it is helping yet or will help, but it’s something. I have had some days where I feel almost normal. Not 100% normal, because something is always lurking in my thoughts, waiting to pounce, but nearly normal, and with great clarity of thought. On those days, any idea of suicide is completely alien to me. I don’t understand why I would want to do such a thing, and I do see that suicidal thoughts do tend to be temporary. Generally, I have been feeling a bit better, and maybe even a glimmer of hope formed.
Then, the last 2-3 days, has been a relapse. Quite sudden, and very severe, and things are as bad as they ever were again. I can’t even think about CBT. I’ve tried talking to people again, but they do not understand the pain, and the inability to just make it stop. In the last 48 hours, suicidal fantasies have taken root in my mind again, and they are becoming stronger.
There is a horror about it, but also a feeling that if I can just take the step there will be a few moments of pain, which in themselves might actually provide some kind of welcome distraction and release, followed by oblivion and peace. I just need peace. Peace from my tormenting thoughts.
Anne, I’m crying my eyes out as I’m typing this because I realise the seriousness of what I am saying. You don’t even know me but I thank you for reading this. It’s as if you are in some way here and I can just talk to you and get these thoughts out. I have ceased to function properly as a husband or a dad.
My mental state has made me introverted and short-tempered. I am so focused on myself it’s like I am wrapped up in my own selfishness. And I can’t get out. I am walking on an absolute tightrope here. I have to try to get to another good day, but in this moment, and last hours, I believe that that can never be. Whatever happened to the happy, carefree man I once used to be?
Note from Anne Moss: This has been published with permission by the author. I hope you will comment and offer support.