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How to hang yourself

Link to the How To Hang Yourself video: https://youtu.be/s2f2nQhqdNI

I hope you give this video just 51 seconds of your time. I am so sorry you feel so badly you are looking up how to hang yourself. My son,  Charles, looked up this phrase, too.

He suffered from depression and an addiction to heroin and died by suicide. People who were hurting as much as you are have told me the videos below helped them. They are from my son’s hurting soul.

I miss him every single day. If you comment below, I will answer.

Guides on how to tell someone

Crisis Lines and Prevention Lifelines

Overcoming fears and myths about crisis lines. Legit information here.

USA 988
USA & Canada Crisis Text 741-741
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline for Veterans 1-800-273-8255, press 1

USA Veteran’s Text line send HELP to 838-255

USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566

USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255

Reach out to the Crisis Text Line through Facebook

UK 116 123
UK Shout 85258 (Crisis Text Line for England, Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland)
AUSTRALIA Crisis Line 13 11 14
CANADA Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
CANADA TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

Suicide Hotlines UK | UK crisis text 85258 | Ireland crisis text 50808

The best part about communication with this crisis line over Facebook is that your information is encrypted and anonymized.

List of Suicide prevention lifelines for other countries

Everyone who has done the dunking of the face in ice-cold water had told me it worked to alleviate the crisis (some said they had to do it at least twice.)

Other Resources:

Because suicidal thoughts are treatable, here are resources that have helped others.

Safety Plans

  • My Suicide Safety Plan (source: Dr. Tracey Marks)
  • Suicide Safety Plan Template
  • Example of a safety plan that is filled in
  • Example of a safety plan card that you can do yourself. While it’s not a replacement for therapy or a suicide assessment and safety plan, it has the elements of one. Carry it with you in a pocket and look at it 3X a day when you are struggling. You may not be able to identify “Reason’s for living” right now. But write it down “reasons for living” because it will come to you. These are what’s important to you. It can also be a memory.

Podcast for men who struggle with suicide

Articles, Videos, Self-Harm Help:

Self-Help Books

To find versions of these in countries outside the USA, search your amazon by the title.

Highly recommended book. Click the book picture to get your free Kindle version. $4.99 in paperback in the USA. If you are in another country, go to your amazon and paste “How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life.”

By Susan Rose Blauner: A survivor of multiple suicide attempts, the author eloquently describes the feelings and fantasies surrounding suicide. In a direct, nonjudgmental, and loving voice, she offers affirmations and suggestions for those experiencing life-ending thoughts, and for their friends and family.

By Kathryn Hope Gordon, PhD: When you’re suffering, life’s challenges can feel overwhelming and even insurmountable. This workbook helps you find relief and solutions when suicidal thoughts take over.

By Sally Spencer Thomas, Sarah W. Gaer and Frank King: This is volume one of a book series akin to a “Chicken Soup for the Man’s Soul.” Here are stories of mental health challenges of men, written by men, for men in similar circumstances – inspiring stories of resilience, recovery, and transformation. Includes a workbook.
I miss my little bugger


USA 988
USA Crisis Text 741-741
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline & Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

1,010 thoughts on “How to hang yourself”

  1. I am still not where I need to be but taking it one day at a time. I’ve been trying to get out of the house some and keep myself occupied when I’m in it. I’m still holding onto a plan for “just in case I need to” which I know isn’t helpful. I still have a lot of work to do. I just wanted to check back in with you and update you.

    1. Thank you first for the update. Keeping a plan in place is actually helpful for some people. So no guilt about that. Funny how having a plan to die can actually make you feel ok about living.

      But it sounds like a little bit of progress. When I was grieving it was like I would make incremental progress. I had relapses along the way but just kept telling myself “stay the course, this won’t last forever.” I know it’s not exactly the same but the only catastrophic life event that comes close. But keeping yourself in the present and not catastrophizing about the future is good progress. I often have to keep myself from projecting stuff and worrying about things that have never happened. I actually tease myself about that one. “Anne Moss. Are you worrying about something that has never happened? Cut it out!”
      Thanks again for the update Trudy.

  2. I really do thank you! I think you are doing a great thing turning your pain into purpose. You have such a wonderful website. Thanks for listening.

    1. Hi Trudy, I read the comments that you and Anne have been sharing over the last days. Please know that people are listening and watching you and CARE FOR YOU. Even though I don’t even know you 🙂 I relate to you so much, I remember sitting at the side of the road back in 2015, wanting to die. I felt incredibly alone. What helped me was calling a suicide hotline and speaking to someone anonymously. I went through some breathing exercises as well. Also, I made sure to park my car and just sit for a moment to breathe. It really helped in that moment. Also, I began speaking with other people anonymously who were in a situation like me, and I began to see that I wasn’t alone. This was in 2015. It took time, it was not easy, BUT I was able to find, what I call “little joys, little miracles”. Like, a favorite song that I love, or a favorite tree, or the way sky looks at 5 p.m. when the sun is about to set. It makes me happy to see purple clouds. I found little things that bring me joy and no one else. Trudy, thank you for sharing, because you are like me, you are communicating what you feel! That is incredibly brave. I am thousands of miles from you, but you are so brave to communicate and have an open dialogue about what you feel inside. I hope so much that you stay alive because there’s so many little joys and little miracles that happen so many times, I want you to know that tonight you became my little miracle reading your sweet words 🙂

      1. Wow Pat, this is totally unexpected but what a beautiful way to write your story here. Thank you so much for helping me and Trudy and anyone else who might stop by this page. It is all about the little things and setting that one intention and then building on that which you have done. I also did the breathing. I even have a post here on breathing strategies but it’s really about taking a pause and reframing things. This is so amazing. I can’t thank you enough.

      2. Thank you so very much! It has been a hard day. I needed that encouragement. I wish I had more eloquent words to reply because I am truly humbled and grateful.

  3. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being pulled apart on the inside. Do I wait for help, or do I take my chance?

    1. I think you be Proactve and get help. Because there is so much doubt for a decision that is permanent. Where you start depends on what you like. I like to read and write so I start there. I also found support at a support group so included that. Some people work with American foundation of suicide prevention because giving back helps get us out of our own heads. So tell me what you like or have liked.

    1. I don’t think you are difficult. I get cussed out a lot so I find you a gentle and thoughtful soul who is just tired of the relentless hurting. I like that you have tried things and taken initiative which shows immense courage and strength. So for that reason alone, I really don’t think you are a “lost cause.” You actually have a lot of resilence. I’m sure you don’t see it that way. But you haven’t given in easily that’s for sure. You’ve fought like a tiger. What’s more you are still trying.

    1. This was written by my friend Jody Betty. It’s a place to start. She lives with daily suicidality and somehow has created a community.
      https://jodyb2016.wordpress.com/2016/08/08/i-want-you-to-want-to-live/

      And this book has been recommended and is on this page. I see the number of downloads and purchases so I know many who have come to this page have bought it.
      https://amzn.to/3wt4lQn

      I do hear some doubt so if there is doubt there is hope. OK. I am here. I am listening. If you want I can put you in touch with Jody either on Twitter or by email.

      1. I’m not on Twitter, so it would have to be email, but despite what she said, I am a burden and don’t want to burden her, or you, or anyone. I just need to make up my mind once and for all. I don’t want to hurt my family, but I don’t want to live.

        1. Well, she often has said the same and somehow she survives and thrives. So I’ll reach out to her and ask. I know your intention is not to hurt your family, Trudy. You are suffering. I do understand that.

          1. I can’t thank you enough for listening!! She has already reached out to me. I haven’t thrived for a very long time.

            1. Excellent. You can still talk to me. I felt you needed someone who has been where you are and somehow finds a reason to live. She does reach out and ask for support when she needs it. It has to beat you down to feel you have not thrived. And I do think you can again. My soul is rooting for you

  4. There’s nowhere else to turn now. I’m not going back to the hospital. You really do have a lot of good information. I just can’t be helped.

    1. Trudy. When you say “I can’t be helped” you set that intention. While what you have is not something you can necessarily control you can reduce the suffering by not saying that to yourself. Or when you do say “Trudy. Please don’t say that to yourself. It’s not helpful right now. I could use your support.” I know it’s self talk. But the technique can help take the edge off.

      I am so sorry you are burdened with such thoughts.

    1. Speaking with thousands like you who struggle with thoughts of suicide, writing (3,600 blog posts and two 300-page books), support group, giving back. My son left lyrics that helped me understand. Those are but a few. I won’t lie. It’s been agonizing work and I never thought I would survive but I did. And I ache for him and while I have forgiven myself there will always be a tinge of guilt.

    1. I can listen! And I want you to feel heard. Because you deserve that. If you do call 988 or do 741-741, can you share that experience with me? And I am not encouraging you to go elsewhere. I am happy to chat and ask questions (you know I can do that) and reply. I can tell you are really struggling right now and don’t want you to feel unsupported. Just know that if I don’t answer it means I am asleep although it is not time to go to bed yet. I will answer when I wake up. And that’s why I gave you the numbers. Just in case.

      1. Thank you so very much! You are the one encouraging voice right now. I’m sorry that seems like too heavy a burden to put on you. Yes, it is an almost constant battle right now. I have texted the crisis line before. I may again, but my experience has been that they want to give you online resources and trust you to them. I am tired of this battle.

        1. Hmmm. Thanks for the feedback on the textlines. Sometimes it just helps to have someone listen. I feel that way when I have struggles. Mine are not as extreme but I know talking or texting helps. I hear you are tired. Is it because it’s so constant? Like it wears you down over time?

          And one more thing. Has ketamine worked for you? It does for some. Doesn’t for others. I’m curious what it was like for you if you ahve.

          1. You are right about it wearing me down over time, especially like now when it’s an almost constant battle. Surprisingly, with all the medications I have been on, I have never taken ketamine.

            1. For most it’s more of an emergency type drug to reset your brain. And for others it works as maintenance. And for some it’s not effective. But surprisingly good results and then medically overseen psilocybin is being researched with good results too. I suspect you have a difficult treatment resistant depression. I am sorry about that because it is exhausting. I get clinical depression after anesthesia for about 8 weeks. And even in that short time it wears on me. That’s just a smudge of a taste of what you endure.

              1. The very last thing in the world that I want is to hurt my family, but I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for listening!

    1. Trudy. I have talked to hundreds maybe even thousands who are in active suicidality. No two are exactly alike but there are similarities. One of them is the feeling of worthlessness. And I think the brain just gets tired of being yanked back and forth.

  5. Sorry if I said something to upset or offend you. I did appreciate you listening. I don’t know any other road to take. I won’t bother you anymore.

    1. Trudy. Why do you think I don’t want to talk to you? I do. I am not at all bothered and I hope I didn’t sound that way. If I did accept my apology. Please keep responding. How are you today?

      1. There are brief moments of reprieve, but most of the time it’s all I can think about, and every time I feel more isolated or make a mistake it just confirms to my mind that there’s no other choice.

      2. I think I have everything I need. I’m just not sure exactly when and where. I’ve had a harder time breathing today. I think it’s from all the pressure of trying to decide what to do. I’m sorry if I’m telling you too much.

        1. So when someone is suicidal there is no time in the process you are totally committed to the idea. Doubt is your brain’s natural instinct to save you. It probably why there is so much “I want to” and “I don’t want to” going on. So it really is like a roller coaster of emotions.

  6. My husband has said he’d never forgive me if I took my life. You’ve forgiven your son right? You wouldn’t for anything have wished it to happen, but you’ve been able to keep living and even help others through your pain?

    1. I think others don’t understand. At first I thought it was something my son “did to me.” And later I realized how much pain he was in. The person I needed to forgive was me. That took over a year. I wasn’t angry at charles. But his brother was.

      1. I keep ending up in the dark even after people try to help me. I’m too broken to be fixed. I think they’d be better off without me bothering. I’ve been trying, but I never get it right. I don’t know what else to do.

  7. I would say that my acute suicidal thoughts last at least an hour, and yes I know that constant despair. Sometimes I even call my suicidal thoughts urges, because if I’m lying in bed, for instance, I’ll grab the sheets to hold myself in place, so I don’t get up and do anything. I’m a hopeless case, too broken to be fixed. It won’t matter if I do. Sorry to take up your time.

    1. It must feel so bad to think of yourself that way. But it’s interesting that you see yourself as worthless while I see someone who is a survivor. That’s a lot of work. At least from my perspective. I wonder how I would weather all that. I don’t know really and that means I don’t know how hard this is. Not really. All I can do is assume. And an hour of cycling suicidal thoughts is a lot. I appreciate the candid and honest answers. It helps me to understand.

      You say you’ve tried everything and so tell me what that is since people do different things. (I was driving yesterday so unable to converse.)

      1. I have had several counselors, some of whom have given up on me. I’ve had exposure therapy, EMDR, DBT, and currently IFS (sorry for all the abbreviations). I have attended Celebrate Recovery and attended my first NAMI group a couple of weeks ago. This summer and early fall I went through 12 weeks of intensive outpatient group therapy. I have been hospitalized several times. I am currently on several medications. I may be forgetting something. All of that and I’m still researching ways to kill myself and making plans. I do so appreciate you listening and caring. I’m a lost cause.

        1. No one can say you have not tried. Glad you got in a NAMI group. That helped me the most. As a parent that is. I started to reframe things. I think you are a warrior. Since you mentioned them tell me about your kids. What are they like?

          1. They’re great. My son is in the Army stationed in Germany. He has a girlfriend and loves to travel. My daughter works full-time and takes online college classes. She has a boyfriend.

            I don’t want to hurt them. I have hung on for them and my husband for so long. I just don’t know what else to do anymore. Thank you for caring. I’m not easy to help.

  8. Thank you for all the helpful information. When I’ve thought about ways to kill myself I have avoided hanging in the past. I’m glad I searched how to tonight because I found this site. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I will take the time to look through what you’ve shared. Thank you for your strength and courage and sorry for your loss.

    1. Thank Trudy. That was most unexpected. I’m sorry the despair is so bad. I don’t know why some brains turn against their owners sometimes. I will listen and respond if you reply. I want you to know I hear you.

      1. Thank you for being a voice of hope and caring. I think everyone else is tired of listening to me. I’ve fought so long, and I’m tired. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.

        1. I know from experience it is the helplessness we feel. Most of your loved ones think they have to fix it and are overwhelmed by the mental health system which is confusing and unhelpful. But most of all our loved ones don’t get the education they need to understand you and appreciate the courage it takes to fight these feelings for so long. And I get that because there isn’t a whole lot to support families either. Sometimes I suspect you just need a hug. Since I am not there I hope you feel my virtual one although not as good as a real one because I can give great hugs.

          I wrote something about Eeyore on this site. It’s about just accepting and inclusion. https://annemoss.com/2019/09/22/what-eeyore-has-taught-us-about-acceptance/

            1. I think the digital age has really made people feel more insignificant. I’m so sorry you feel small. Are there any kind of triggers that kind of amplify that feeling? Or is it just a lot of things at once?

              1. I don’t mind your questions at all. I have those thoughts much too often. I’m 50 now, and the first time I tried to kill myself I was 11. I have tried and tried to be better, but I keep ending up at the same place. We just moved, so I feel smaller than ever. I’m just a burden.

                1. Moving. Yes. Transitions and relationship disruptions are the two “last straw” events that drive people who are vulnerable toward suicide. And moving is a HUGE transition. And many teens tell me they have thoughts of suicide that started at age 8. That’s a long time to struggle.

                  So obviously there is hesitation. Can you tell me 2-3 things that have made life worth living? They may not override your sense of worthlessness right now but they worked at some point. So those 2-3 things could be family members, a pet, a memory of something that happened in the past.

                  1. My husband and kids are the only things that keep me fighting. My kids are young adults now and don’t really need me.

                    1. So you have a husband and kids. And young adults need you in a different way, Trudy. It’s more subtle. My mom just died at age 87. She would have said the same but I’m grieving a lot. I’ve really struggled with it. I did still need her. For me, it’s losing the one person who thought the world revolved around me. I miss that.

                      Do you have a memory that makes you smile. A vacation, a life event that brought you joy?

                      I am asking for a reason. Thank you for putting up with all my questions. 🙂

                  2. I didn’t see a way to reply to your last question. Maybe you didn’t want me to? I’ve really struggled to come up with a memory. I think my mind is just so absorbed with darkness. Thank you for listening!

                    1. I did want you to answer if you could. (By the way start a new thread if we run out of replies.) And you are right. If you are feeling really dark that memory question is super hard. And it takes longer. But it’s a sort of way to trigger your brain out of the current cycle. Some people feel acutely suicidal for 20 minutes and some for an hour. And then the underlying current of despair. Do you recognize a pattern to your thoughts. And again this might be difficult to sort out. I am trying to understand your brain’s process.

  9. Thank you Anne for everything you’ve written and shared…this has helped me so much you have no idea. I came here looking for an end and I’ve found some hope and love.

    1. Hey Tony. Thank you for saying that. I can’t tell you what it means. And I am glad it helped you. Can you tell me what led to your despair? Only if you want. I will listen and respond.

      1. It was a lot of things…from separation, being away from my daughter to starting a new job and having to move back in with my parents after owning my own home and being completely self sufficient. I feel like a complete failure sometimes…often I don’t feel like I actually matter to anyone…like I’m just a tool to get people things.

  10. I’m so sorry Anne, so sorry for what happened to your son, and so sorry for your family’s loss. Every one always says things like “If only I’d knew”, “If only they’d let me know” but what to you do when you have told the person who is supposed to care the most and they don’t care. It’s crushing, I can’t take it any more. The world is such a cruel, cruel place.

    1. Oh that is so painful. To have opened yourself up like that, been so vulnerable and someone does not help. I am so sorry. I am so sad for you. You don’t deserve this. Is there another trusted adult you can tell? A county hotline you can call for next steps? Either way, no matter what, I will respond to you. You deserve that. I can also post a link to choosing the right person. But right now I want to hear from you. What brought you to this place if you know. I’m listening….

  11. I found this article after looking at ways to end my life. i want to die but im scared. the only thing stopping me seems to be my mother. i have felt like this for over 4 years now, but the past two years were better as i found someone who supported me and made me feel okay about myself. that was until she left. she said i was holding her back and i used her as a crutch. she was and is right. the past two weeks ive worked my ass off to try and better myself. this has killed me even more as i could not win her back. i showed her how much i had grown and changed in such a short period of time. it didnt work at all. that felt worse than the breakup. i hate myself so much that it feels like this Everest sized mountain i have to climb in order to be happy with myself at all. the idea of getting over her just to get back to the dark pit of depression i was in before. i wake up in tears, cry myself to sleep, and toss and turn all night as i have nightmares of not being enough. i work a physically and mentally draining job being in hot attics and disgusting crawl spaces daily and it seems like every aspect of my life is terrible. i no longer wish to think about the future, it only seems dark and sad. i have nothing to look forward to in my life besides pain. i lost the love of my life and now im stuck with the life I hate. Your article took that pain away for a few hours as i read more articles, completely mesmerized by the emotion of your words. idk why but i have always hated reading but your articles intrigue me in a way that i dont think about my own terrible life for just even a few minutes. But then reality sets in as i finish reading and im back to the dark pit i seem to reside in. i just want it to stop.

    1. The brain is so odd how it will latch into everything that is bad in your life, blocking anything that could potentially be good. I suffered through that after my son’s death by suicide. It took time and effort to let a crack of light in and finally before it widened. I am sorry this has happened to you. I feel like you struggle with what a lot of others do, self love. And it’s torturing you. All of that has to feel so overwhelming and even physically painful as well.

      By the way you mentioned your mom. Can you share one find memory from the past about your mom? A trip, something she did, or a time when you both laughed together or cries together? I am just curious what she’s like. Since I’m a mom. 🙂

      1. My mom is amazing. she tries her best to be there for me whenever I need it. My father and her split up when I was a sophomore in high school so since then we haven’t been as close. Between just being a normal teen who is going through my own changes to everything around me changing too. It was a really rough time and I definitely resented her for it. Still through all of that she is here for me as I feel like I’m in my darkest time. She is willing to talk, listen, or even lay there and just cry with me if I need it. I feel horrible though. Despite how much love I feel or how much she is there for me, I still feel so alone. My mind still cant let go of my ex. The past few days I’ve tried so stay and be positive but despite that I still have morning like this where I wake up and feel worthless, alone, and I don’t see a future for myself. I don’t know how to even love myself, but it’s even harder to when all I can think about is the person I love with all my heart telling me I held them back and the idea of never speaking or even being friends with her again (my ex).

        1. It sounds agonizing. Clearly, you shared your heart and now it hurts. I love this, “She is willing to talk, listen, or even lay there and just cry with me if I need it.” Not all moms do that. So rely on that. And by all means, cry, complain, get pissed here all you want. You can express your pain freely here. I want you to know I hear you. OK?

          1. Thank you for responding to me. It is definitely one of the only things that has kept me going. I am doing better since the last two times I reached out for some kind of help. It was comforting to know a stranger cares about me when I felt like the people who know me didnt. I quit my job and finally cut things off completely with my ex and ive felt a lot better. Aside from those waves of feeling inadequate because im currently unemployed, it seems easier to ride those waves and not feel them crazing over me. I know im not the first or the last person that you have helped like this. i wanted to reach out and tell how much it truly meant to me for you to not only share your story, but also take the time to respond to me when i felt like i was at my lowest.

            1. I can hardly believe that what I say would matter that much. Thank you for making me feel like I do matter and reminding me how important it is to listen. (You made my week and it’s been a tough one.)

              You have made some very important changes for your own mental health that frankly amaze me. The breakup had to be a really hard one to make. Thank you for reporting on how you felt after. I’m so glad you have found a sliver of light and relief. Thank you for coming back and reporting on how you are. That means a lot to me. And anytime. You know I’ll answer. If I don’t it means I’m in intensive care!

  12. Don’t know why I’m posting. Found this looking up how to hang myself. I guess this is the only vehicle at the moment to let out how I’m feeling since i have no one to talk to. Been depressed my whole life and have been hospitalized for depression in the past, medication, therapy but yet here i am (I still remember one therapist telling me on a scale of 1-10 i appeared as a 2 to the world. Don’t know if she meant i was just ugly, looked like crap, but it’s just another thing that i think about it a lot and am done with therapists). I’m still a worthless loser after all this time. One thing that stood out to me was how that video said to “tell someone” About a month ago I told my wife I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself and she didn’t care at all. it was very hard for me to state it and then I broke down crying. Instead of caring at all she went to the other room to talk to her friends and ignored me the rest of the night and the next morning. She hasn’t asked how I’m doing since. I truly believe she would be better off and probably wants me to kill myself so she can be rid of me. i truly have no value as a person. also in the past in college ive told just a few people about my depression and they ended up ghosting me..so yea for me it seems like just fighting this life long battle on my own until i have the courage to end it. i feel completely empty inside most of the time. like a shell of a person. i can do nothing right.

    1. First I am so sorry those you have told have not responded how they should. And that’s because they don’t know what to do. Their reaction is not uncommon unfortunately which is why I actually teach classes on how to respond. And I have to say people are so surprised and then they realize how they have answered and how it’s not helpful. So I think it’s not that people do t care they just this kind “I am not qualified” and they shit down. I see how that makes you feel. To reveal the darkness in your souls and have people react like you just told them you have a pimple. I will listen. I will respond. And I apologize for all the humans who have made you feel more worthless because they have no idea what the f*#€k to do. You deserve better.

  13. I have thought and struggled with suicide attempts and thoughts probably since I was 14. I’m currently 31. The best way I can describe it is that I’m just over it. Over the repeated bad things happening, abuse, struggle, traumas, being strong. I’m mainly tired of carrying on like I have always needed to. I have a great career, an awesome dog, and idk if it’s really a family because no one really cares or has ever been a support system, but I guess I have a “family” too. I’ve always had to be the strong one making it on my own. I lost my sister 2 years ago from the effects of being an addict. She got a really bad infection she never sought treatment for which attacked her organs and when finally rushed to the ER, they administered blood thinners to aid, but caused a severe brain bleed resulting in brain death. She was coherent all the way up till then. Her and I weren’t close nor raised together, so I didn’t feel grief or loss. I watch my family feel it to this day. If anything I feel jealous, because I rather it of been me. She has 3 kids. I just have a job and a dog. And I also feel understanding. She turned to drugs bc of her own mental torment. She had been successful in rehabs just to relapse. Probably bc of the mental torment. She didn’t seek antibiotics or doctors during her infection, probably bc she would of rather died, and I get that. I get her exhaustion. I’m at this exhaustion and no more energy left to fight it back.

    1. It must be very hard to fight those feelings for so long. That’s what I am hearing you say. So if that’s not right you can correct me. You sound exhausted- mentally and physically. So you mentioned your dog. Tell me about him. We had Charles’s dog for years after his death. He provided us with so much joy and comfort in our grief. So tell me about your pup. I will answer and I do hear you.

      1. I’d love some help. I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s only the thought of my children hating me that stood me from killing myself.

        1. It’s OK to hold onto that thought if it’s working to keep you alive. Right now, that’s your #1 job and I am here to support that. I’m honored you have asked for help. Can you tell me your city and state? Not your address because I know no one wants to offer that. I just want to figure out what resources you have locally. Is there someone you can tell? If you do tell someone, you can call a local crisis line for next steps–usually a risk assessemnt and safety plan.

          Or you might be in a place where you need to go get mental health services and get urgent treatment to reverse your feelings of suicide. There are treatments work as a rescue to reverse the thoughts that work for a lot of people. If you share your city and state, I might be able to find local mental health services for you in your area. If you are in the USA. So if you are not, we’ll figure out a plan B.

            1. I’m going to admit to being less familiar with those resources. In case you want the hotline where they can direct you to local resources, that’s here: https://www.lifeline.org.au/

              However, we can work together on a safety plan in the meantime. Or choose someone to tell if you are willing to do that. If you want to do that via email, reach out here. I will reply and you will have my email. https://annemoss.com/contact-2/

              I am so sorry your despair is so bad. I hope you get this. I am concerned about you and your well being.

    2. I feel like I’ve never known what to do with my life. And I still don’t. Every job I try just feels utterly meaningless. I am at my wit’s end. I just want to die.

  14. Do you think some people are incapable of not feeling this pain. I’m not manic or angry or even sad anymore I’m just tired and don’t want to carry on for ever feeling this way

    1. Suicidal thoughts are different for everyone but most report feeling “numb” at least at some point. Some have a period of episodes and then other have it since they were 8. And still others might get that feeling once. How have your thoughts evolved?

    2. I myself am also incapable and emotionless. Exhausted and drained is the only way I can describe it. Tbh, it’s a heck of a lot scarier that I feel this way.

  15. I didn’t mean to find your website.

    I have tried other ways before. But it’s been a long time since i last attempted to end my life. Apparently hanging is a better method. Idk.

    I’m 27. Not that young, not that old. I feel 90. I feel weighed down. I’ve been struggling with this since I was 13-14. Perhaps even earlier. I’m sorry I have to add to your burden of comments. But I’m in a dark place and I don’t know how to reach out to anyone else. Because I don’t really want them to help. I know they would. I know they love me. I just don’t want help. I want it over.

    I’m so sorry for your son. Thank you for this page.

    1. You are not adding to my burden. Your comments, all the comments here, have helped me understand that brain attack known as suicidal thinking. I hear from so many who have struggled with these thoughts since they were 8, 9, 10 years old. The feeling you describe of heaviness, I have felt that too. Not from being suicidal but I know what you mean. Was their anything in particular that triggered this particular episode? I am listening and I will answer.

  16. Anne Rogers,

    I just wanted to write to you and say that you are a breath of fresh air in a world that is chalk full of darkness, greed, selfishness, negativity and despair. I see selfish people that can’t even see past the end of their noses everyday.

    I see family’s that don’t even give a shit about their children.

    You are an extraordinary and remarkable person for the kindness and light that you bestow in this world. There are very few souls that would take the time you have to help so many people. Especially; People that are struggling. People that are lonely. People that are voiceless. People that are frankly, just, people.

    1. I love that last line especially. People who are just people. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It’s nice to know that it does come across as genuine. I will also say it is fro. Those with lived experience who have generously shared their stories and their pain that has moved me through to understanding it better. And understanding that each and every person’s personal experience is different like a snowflake. Now let me know how you are today. How you might be feeling. And I do hope you are still with us.

  17. Hi Anne I’m 41 years old and I’ve been suicidal since the age of 13 in the last two years I have made 15 attempts by overdosing on various pills. My last overdose was in February this year and I really thought it would finish me off I mean I swallowed 200 paracetamol I honestly hoped that would be enough but my parents called an ambulance and I woke up. The only reason I continue is because of my dog Happy she is my soul mate the greatest love of my life but she just turned 10 years old and has a lot of health issues which is why I have made so many attempts in the last two years because I am consumed every single waking moment of every day of the notion of losing her and I can’t imagine being here without her so I want to leave this world first. I’ve never tried hanging myself but I’ve thought a lot about it because pills don’t seem to kill me no matter how many I take so I googled what’s the easiest way to hang myself? And I came across your website. This isn’t a cry for help because I don’t believe there is any. I just felt very moved by your story with your son and I guess being so suicidal myself I can connect with him I know what it’s like to be in the darkest place imaginable and every single moment of every day feels unbearable. In some ways I wish I knew him so I could tell him I understand. I’m so sorry for your loss but I think you are amazingly courageous and have the biggest kindest heart to reach out to those who like your son struggle to get through the day and make it to the next. I will try to hang myself and knowing my past record I will probably fail but I’m all out of hope and I have no desire to be in this world anymore. I feel like I’ve already died and I’m just a ghost haunting my family putting them through pain and grief and as much as they assure me that I’m not a burden I always feel like one. If we never speak again please know you are helping so many people by being so open and honest with those that feel so unimaginably lost x

      1. My entire life I’ve wanted a dog and when I hit 30 I was ready to end my life and my parents got me a dog so she is my entire reason for living but as she’s gotten older my terror and anxieties about losing her have become insanely intense which is why the past two years I have made so many attempts overdosing. Just the idea of her not being here hurts me so much I can’t bare it to the point where I need to leave this world first because if the notion of her not being here is so intensely painful I can’t even comprehend the pain of the actual reality I just need to die first.

      2. Hi my names is jordan,
        Iv been in such a dark dark place for so long … I feel as if I have nobody but just keep a smile on my face for everyone else and submerge myself into helping other to block my pain.
        My sister died of terminal cancer and left me devistated and in my grief my partner left me.
        I’m addicted to drink and drugs and can’t ever seem to get away or feel better and I’m now at the lowest point in my life I don’t have answers anymore or solutions it’s just too hard.

        1. It does seem like too much energy when you are in a place that dark. I am so sorry especially for the grief. Having been through that process I can say that it was the hardest thing I ever did. Let me ask you this. If you were to take just one single step today to help yourself, what would that be? Just one.

          And I say “if” because it’s not my decision but yours. I hear you. I am ok sitting with you in your pain. And if you respond so will I. I am honored you commented and shared your story.

    1. Aww please don’t kill your self please please don’t my dad just did and it’s the most heartbreaking thing ever, your family love you and you are not a burden xxx

  18. I don’t know how to talk about this. My thoughts know it’s wrong but my body just wants to. Can’t find a therapist that can really help out. Not sure what to do.

    1. It’s a really hard topic to talk about. I mean it’s the deepest, darkest, most painful confession that is so very hard to understand. From what I gather from the thousands I’ve spoken to with suicidal thoughts, they describe exactly what you have in one sentence– “My thoughts know it’s wrong but my body just wants to” which is an ambivalence to dying yet a wish to die at the same time. Like a tennis match in your head. I’m so sorry you suffer this way. Where do you live? Not your address, just your city, and state. I can share some resources if you are interested. Therapists are so booked up right now. However, there are alternatives. You deserve to be supported and you will find support here. No matter what though, I’ll answer. I will listen. I will respond.

  19. You are the only person I feel like Ii can be open and honest with about how bad I am feeling. I have a number of people around me but none really care. I wish my own mum was still here to give me a hug like she used to when I was really young. Facing all this emotional pain every hour of every day is more than I can cope with.

    Tonight was meant to be the night that I killed myself. I had made my noose and planned which wood I was going to go to but then fell asleep on the sofa. When I woke it was too late to say I was going out for an innocent walk to my wife. Will try again this evening. I could have used paracetamols tonight but I keep reading the horror stories about it taking days for you finally die of liver failure. Vets are apparently the only ones that have access to a sure fire way to end their lives easily.

    It is the neighbours that have triggered this recent suicide episode feeling. They have been shouting horrid things out of the window and came knowing on my door hurtling abuse and saying very hateful things to me. I have had enough and can not cope with this anymore.

    1. Adrian. I am so sorry you feel such despair. It sounds like a lot of things have happened and the neighbor incident has really triggered you.

      So you live with your wife. Does she know how you feel?

      Tell me why on earth your neighbors would say cruel things to you?

      I hope you are ok with all the questions. I am just trying to understand completely. If you reply I will too. I hope you do.

      1. Anne. You are right, it has really triggered me. My wife know how I feel but there is nothing she can do.

        My neighbours are just pure evil. They have been trying to force us out of this house for the last 2 years and that is at the root of it all.

        I am currently sat looking at the clock. As soon as it reaches 4pm then I can go out and buy some rope and put and end to this. I just hope they don’t then start on my wife.

        1. That sounds like such horrible harassment. And right where you live too. Home is supposed to be where we can find some peace. Again I am so sorry. What are the chances that they will harass your wife do you think? I mean if you did kill yourself. Would they let up at all?

  20. Hello

    I don’t know what else to do. I’ve suffered with depression for so many years and even when I think I’m getting better I still result into suicidal thoughts. I’m currently unemployed, so can’t afford therapy.

    I don’t see another way out, I was so withdrawn on my recent birthday, as I never thought I’d reach this age (26).

    I don’t know what to do

    1. I’m so sorry. But I am glad you posted here. That took a lot of courage and I’m honored you trust me enough to do that.
      I can listen and respond and maybe together we can figure out a step forward? I usually do that with a series of questions because it is about you and how you feel about it. How does that sound?

  21. Not here to ask for help, rather thank you for this article and your kindness. I was, evidently, in a dark place and was hysterical in my grief. I’d skimmed multiple websites and stumbled upon yours, and reading your story and heartfelt words managed to calm me down enough to be rational. You obviously work really, really hard to help others. You are very kind. Thank you for all the work you’ve done. Please take care of yourself, and may 2022 be a good year. To everyone else in a similarly dark place, please hang on. There is still kindness in this world and joys to be had, waiting for you to experience. It’s never too late.

    1. That is one of the sweetest comments ever. I’m so sorry you have felt such despair but I am grateful that you ended up here and posted a comment. Thank you, Sylvia. I do so get the despair of tremendous loss.

  22. Despite Christmas being a time when we should all be happy and celebrating I find myself sat here researching different suicide methods. My mum was not very close to me (my sister yet but not me) but despite this I wish she was still alive to give me a hug right now. I lost all my family and a hug from anyone would be well received right now. l had got my heart set on going into the hills and giving myself hyperthermia by sitting in a stream. I was hoping to do this in the next couple of days but the UK is now reporting an unusual increase in temperatures over the next couple of days. Why won’t life give me a break and let me have control over how and when I want to die.

    1. Oh Adrian, you lost your sister? I can feel your despair. I get what you are saying about wanting one more hug. Grief is so hard. I wish I could give you one. How long ago did you lose your sister?

    2. Sorry, I didn’t explain myself very well. My sister is still alive I believe but she was always a knife between me and my mum. My mum dies in 2015 and since then my sister has achieved her objective and pushed me out of the family. My mum expected it would happen.

      I don’t miss my sister but I do miss my mum.

      1. Oh Adrian that’s awful. She’s being a devil because of her own struggles. But I’m so sorry you are the victim. That must feel awful. Well obviously it feels awful. But of course you miss your mum. Totally understandable. I lost my son in 2015. That’s not that long ago. Tell me something that was special about your mum. If that’s OK.

      1. Thank you so much for holding onto a copy of it, your a life-saver! I attempted suicide by hanging on Monday night, physically I’m ok, mentally…I’m not…I just want it to all be over.

        1. Oh Cheyenne. I am so sorry. For your despair. But I can’t help but be grateful. I can tell part of you definitely wants to die. But I can also tell part of you what’s to live. That’s a confusing place to be.

      1. I think there’s only one thing I can do…it just wouldn’t be right to stay…knowing that I am only adding to my pain and suffering…when the way out is right there in front of me…it’s the right thing to do.

        1. I keep thinking that you mentioned the doctor. And since there is a bit of doubt doesn’t it make sense to try that option? Since your mom is asking? She is feeling something is not right.

          1. There is no doubt about it, I am going to end my life…going to see my GP, was never a choice and you know that.

                1. I can relate to you right now. There is nothing left inside of me. Not even the pain, that’s gone too.

              1. The only reason I’m still here are 4 cats who are deeply attached to me and, sadly, may not do well after I’m gone. When my ex retires, I lose my primary insurance and all prescription coverage. The last several years, my rx plan paid over c$126,000 for disease management and sustaining life. I will be looking at prolonged suffering, then death. I choose to not endure the suffering and go right to death. I know, in addition, I’m depressed and grieving. My boyfriend, who wants loved me deeply seems to be repelld by me, rejects me regularly and can’t even act as a friend towards me. I have no purpose, I’m useless, worthless and a burden to those around me. I do not make this decision lightly.

                1. First of all, I’m so sorry about the relationship. That heartbreak can often be the last trigger that makes us feel suicidal despair. That plus your other worries seem to be ganging up on you. I am going to ask you to stay in the present regarding your healthcare for now. Once you start projecting in the state of mind you are in, it spirals. But no matter way, I will listen and I will respond. Tell me what’s special about your cats?

      1. Hi Anne, Honestly? I just don’t feel like I can keep myself safe anymore, all I can think about right now is how much pain I’m in and how I am going to leave this world to be in a better place.

        1. Well the part of your brain that wants to live is still fighting for your life while the other half is trying to destroy you. So there is doubt. And where there is doubt there’s hope. All I can say is that as long as you are here and you comment here I will answer. And listen. (I was driving today from another state so sorry about the delay)

              1. This will probably be the last time that you’ll hear from me, I just wanted to thank you for all of your support over the last month and to say a proper goodbye, you tried your best to save me but in the end I was in too deep.

                  1. Thank you, but you know as well as I do, that my time here on earth is coming to an end, it just wouldn’t be right to prolong my pain and suffering.

                    1. They use it here and it’s been very helpful to most in suicidal crisis. Not everyone but most. Maybe write that on your safety plan in case it’s available to you at some point.

                  2. You were right about one thing and that is that while part of my brain wants to live and is fighting for my life, the other half is trying to destroy me. For me, suicide wasn’t so much about dying, but more about wanting my pain and suffering to end, everyday is a battle against my own mind and it’s getting worse, I just want to be at peace but I’m afraid that the part of my brain that is trying to destroy me is getting bigger and bigger and I won’t be able to fight it for much longer.

                    1. That had to be weird and scary at the same time. That battle back and forth alone sounds exhausting. And I can understand how it can wear you down. I am still here. I will still respond. Thank you for explaining that.

                  3. When I first started Sertraline 3 years ago, I found that the suicidal thoughts did stop, it’s just been since August last year, that they have returned.

                    1. Wow. Usually for mental health in the USA, people see their doctor more frequently. We both know you don’t want to live like this and that your brain wants to die and then doesn’t want to die so since part of your brain is fighting to live, it makes sense you can ask one of your parents to make an appointment. Your doctor is a good place to start. You can ask about whether you might need to go up in medication. And you can ask about ketamine and if it’s in Scotland. (I am curious if it is available there because I don’t know.)

                  4. I was due to see my GP for a review of my medication in June 2020, but at that point, I didn’t feel that it was needed. As for asking one of my parents to make an appointment, that’s just not an option, neither is going to see my GP.

                  5. No, as they are now closed for the weekend, I won’t be able to call them to make an appointment until Monday now.

                    1. I feel the same as you. My brain want to die but my heart is scared because of my kids. I’ve struggled for years after my husband wanted to cheat on me with prostitute. I’m stuck in a house full of kids while my husband works away from home for months. I have told my parents and husband that I don’t want to live anymore. They just tell me I’m crazy and need help. They put me on Sertraline also to fix and then my grandma died the only ones that truly loved me and I could trust died. I feel so alone. A year later my grandpa died. I am not the same. I just want to be with them. Everytime I try I punk out
                      They took me off sertraline and put me on a mood stabilizer. I cry all day in the corner of my room Last time I tried to get help they took my kids from me. I’m so scared to get help now

                      The only thing that makes me happy is talking about my native tribe. I’m Osage I’m suppose to be a Thunderbird. Courage ,power and strength
                      Plus I think I would disappoint my ancestor and my grandmother that is gone. I feel like my kids would be better off with a better mom.
                      Cheyenne I hope your still around. Im 45 and I can tell you I would die all over again if something happen to my babies. Im fighting a battle but I can tell you my life wasn’t always like this. I was happy at one time.

                    2. Valerie. I am so sorry that you are in endless childcare. It is really hard not to get a break or some relief. And all that grief and loss over people you card about and who cared about you. I am so sorry. That’s a lot of loss all ar once at a time when you could use that love and supportCheyenne is still with us. And I feel sure she will also respond to you. You mentioned that you were happy at one time. Can you tell me more about that?

                  6. There’s nothing to think about, last time I did speak to my GP, he said that under no circumstances, would he be increasing my medication to 200mg, as not one of his clients who is on Sertraline is on the highest dosage, my mum said to me yesterday that she doesn’t think my medication works anymore and that I should go see my doctor, but I tried explaining to her that it would just be pointless as we both know that he won’t increase my dosage, so what’s the point?

                    1. I am not a doctor so I don’t know but I would assume there are other strategies to take. So sometimes they switch the meds and sometimes they can add just a touch of something, even if it’s off-label, to help it work better. Your mom is encouraging you to go to the doctor. I do not think it’s pointless. I care a lot about your well-being. And what could it hurt? Maybe we can make a list of pros and cons? Do you want to do that?

                  7. What my mum doesn’t understand is that medication, while it manages my Anxiety & OCD to a certain extent, is not a cure for my Autism, it’s like she thinks that because I am on medication, that everything just goes away, it doesn’t.

                    1. Do u you know this is what she thinks? Or are you assuming that? I am only asking because I used to make assumptions all the time and I turned out to be wrong most of the time. So I either ask or I just look at he facts. It’s actually a DBT skill. I would find that out later. Anyway what is the worst that can happen by going back to the doctor? You have said you would rather not live this way. We are both aware of the alternative and it will still be there. But wouldn’t you want to exhaust all options before taking that final step? A lot to think about. And I like you just the way you are. My son worked for a guy who lived with autism. It was one of his favorite clients. You know why? Because the guy was so straightforward. He said what he liked or didn’t like (my son is a film editor) and my son never had to figure out what they wanted. This guys was so direct and he said it made things so much easier.

              2. I can no longer live in a society, where I am not normal or accepted by the majority of this world. I didn’t decide one day that I wanted to be ridiculed for simply being me – autistic & attracted to women.

                1. I don’t find that odd or unusual, Cheyenne. I feel your despair. And if you end your life instead of going to the doctor, that is not an event I can prevent nor intervene. It is up to you to make that decision. I am answering you, listening to you, and responding because I think what you have to offer is special. I was always unusual. Not autistic or queer but definitely different. I have learned to embrace it and see that as special and unique to me. At your age, no one loved my boldness. Accepting myself came with some effort. All I can do is hope that you will make that effort. But no matter what you do, as long as you are alive and talking to me, I’m going to respond and respect your space, your disability (if we call it that), and your gender identity. You can say what’s bothering you. I am not here to judge. Ever.

                  1. That’s where we are completely different, your normal, I’m not or at least that’s how neurotypical people make us feel. To this day I still feel like there is a lot that my mum and dad, still don’t understand about Autism or the way it affects me, that’s why I write about it, not to get sympathy, not because I feel sorry for myself, because I am trying to raise awareness and understanding of a condition that’s misunderstood and stigmatised.

                    1. I am not “normal.” I don’t live with autism though. Your post on “autism speaks” is lovely. Thanks for putting yourself out there. It takes a lot of courage

                  2. What exactly makes you think your not normal? Yes, you lost your son to suicide but you are not the only one to have lost a loved one in this traumatic way – you are not alone! I will never be “normal” I will forever be broken & viewed as something that needs fixing, rather than someone who needs to be accepted just as they are.

                    1. I just never fit in any particular group until finally I just accepted that i wasn’t part of a group and didn’t fit norms. But let’s not talk about me. I want you to know the reason I think there is hope for you. And I don’t know if I should say it but I will. I have had this page up for about 5.5 years now. And so many came to this page that long ago and are now finding me again and telling me although it was really awful for a long time that they somehow worked through it and found their people and found hope in that process. And even ones who struggled for decades or from very young. So I know and see what’s possible. And I do t expect you to see that right now or see it in yourself. But I want you to know that’s why I feel like you have a chance. That part of you that fights for life is not giving up easily. That illustrates a really strong will yo live even in the face of wanting to die. I think you have a greater purpose. I am not sure what it is but it could quite possibly be to fight for others who live with autism. You are good at educating people. Your fb post was simple and straightforward. But like I said. I have no control over what you do or the power to talk you out of anything. But I see traits in you I do t see in everyone else. I think that’s pretty cool.

      1. I feel TRAPPED & like there is NO escaping the pain I’m in, than to end my life…I just WANT to close my eyes & go to sleep FOREVER…I WANT the pain to END!!! 😭💔

            1. All I can do is help you save yourself when you want that, listen and respond, or encourage you to talk to your parents. But I can’t stop you or make you do any of that. It will hurt when I don’t hear from you. I know that. Your parents will struggle, too. But I also have to accept it because I can’t control another human. All I can do is the best I can do. You are a special young lady.

                1. So a therapist friend of mine suggested these tips and they did work. It didn’t make everything perfect by any stretch but it moved me from suffering a lot to suffering less and eventually to healing. And some of these I added and these are my coping strategies. They worked for me.

                  And only since you asked. These have worked for others here, too. They’ve returned years later and said that it just helped them get out of the neverending cycle of hurt.

                  Step 1 – I put my face in bowl of cold water for 30 seconds, twice. It will jump start your brain out of that cycle. Eventually, since it was cold that winter I would instead go outside and run in the freezing cold weather (it was 12 degrees that winter which is cold in virginia). The extreme exercise in the extreme cold did offer relief. It helped me manage and lessen the pain. It was not a miracle but it did provide relief. Excercise, extreme in my case, works well for me. I call them angry hikes and I pick the steepest hill on days when I want to implode.

                  Step 2 – I was to think of one thing I was grateful for and force myself to notice one thing that was good in my life or beautiful. I sucked at this at first. But what happens is our brains get stuck seeing only negative and the brain needs to be retrained to see positive. I did this religiously every day (even though it was the last f*cking thing I wanted to do. THE LAST.) But I made myself and started by saying, “Just put your feet on the floor…..” I would go look at the river near us and stare and take in the beauty of it. And tell myself one thing I was grateful for. It was HARD. But slowly it started to work and allowed a peek of something good to slip in. And eventually I could see things in front of my face that I had blocked before.

                  Step 3- I joined a support group for other suicide loss survivors. This had helped me before when I joined families anonymous to understand my son’s drug use. Increasing your connections is a known factor for helping prevent suicide and work through extreme pain. I was in AGONY. So NAMI has a peer to peer support group in most areas. Being with others in the same pain helped so much. Those relationships? I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world. https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI/Affiliate/Programs?classkey=a1x36000003TN9SAAW

                  Step 4- Write. That’s why I have two books, 100 articles, and over three thousand blog posts on this site.

                  I will also link to what helped Desmond who is now 23 years old who felt as you do. Anna Weider a writer here suffered as you did for decades and is doing well finally. (She was sexually abused by a family member.) https://annemoss.com/2021/01/01/concrete-strategies-that-helped-me-work-through-my-teen-depression/

                  It was HELL times one thousand after losing Charles. But today I am better. I did get support. I did try and re-try things with a different attitude. Once I decided it would work, it did work. I still hurt but I have a whole toolbox of coping strategies and it has softened over time. I believed it would work. I believed I would get better. I did NOT numb pain. Once I worked through all this plus a brain tumor I feel like I can do anything. It has made me stronger. Not perfect. I do relapse but I know find my support, use my tools. I hope that helps if you are willing.

                  And I still can’t answer your message on FB which is making me so ill. I looked for the friend request and cannot find it. I promise I tried. If you are member of any other social media, let me know. We can try there.

                  1. Hi Anne,
                    When I think back on some of the coping strategies, I was given by CAMHS in managing my self-harm, I NEVER gave it a second thought that they could potentially do the same for my suicidal thoughts. Down below is a list of some of the coping strategies that have worked for me in the past & I am WILLING to try to help keep the suicidal thoughts at bay.

                    – Blowing bubbles
                    – Popping bubble wrap
                    – Squeezing ice cubes
                    – Taking a shower

                    If there is any others you can think of that could help, I would love for you to share them with me ❤️

                  2. I would also appreciate it if you could help me to put together a Safety Plan sometime, if that’s ok? Given my history of suicide attempts, I was surprised that one wasn’t put in place, after my 1st attempt age 13, had it been, I might not have continued to attempt, I know that it’s something I could do on my own but whenever I’ve tried, I’ve never been in the right frame of mind, with that said, if all fails, I honestly see no other choice but to end my life.

                    1. Well given that you have some doubts about suicide, we might as well give that safety plan a try. I’d be honored to work on this with you. I have your email in the admin panel. No one else can see it but me. So I’ll send you an email and we’ll work through it. (I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before.) I love your coping strategies especially the bubble wrap. I love that stuff. I can share a list of what many people have sent and you can choose what works for you. How does that sound?

                  3. Hi Anne,
                    Thanks for your e-mail, I’ve had a read through what you have said and felt that it was important to mention that one of the struggles I face due to my autism, is difficulty processing language, whether that be spoken or written, so while I have acknowledged your e-mail, I am sorry to say that nothing you said made any sense, it’s very important that you understand, that when writing to me, that you don’t use any big words and explain things in the most simplest way that my brain can understand what’s being said.

                    1. Got it. And replied a few minutes ago. So I am looking for what happens before you have those thoughts. I sent more questions. 🙂 This takes time. And I am patient because this is important.

                  4. Hi Anne,
                    Just saw your e-mail, hopefully I’ll be able to add to my list of coping strategies & I’ll get those to you tonight ( it’s currently 12:01AM here in Scotland) but I’m in a really dark place at the moment, so please bare with me.

                  5. What’s the point of living when I’m already dead inside? I’ve been suffering for far too long, well not anymore, I’m DONE! I’ve accepted that peace is something I’m just not going to get here on earth.

                  6. That’s the thing, I wanted to say this to you before but I didn’t want to hurt you but – you CANT help me, NO ONE CAN! They say that the ONLY one who can help you is yourself BUT I just DON’T have the fight to, NEVER have, I would much rather if you can help anyone it is someone who can be helped instead of someone who’s a lost cause.

                    1. I know you don’t want to hurt me. But I’m invested in our process of working on the safety plan because you asked for it. That means there is doubt about suicide. You are still here so it cannot hurt to create it. Healthy Coping strategies was the next section. I will resend.

            2. Hi i am feeling the same . Im in despair and feel so alone . Going through a divorce after 22yrs of marraige and i am a lost soul. I need major help to turn this around.

              1. Nigel I am so sorry. That is so heartbreaking and emotionally devastating. And after so many years together. Tell me more about how you are feeling and what it’s like to get through each day so far. Because it sounds like you are just making it through each day. If you respond, I will listen. I will answer.

  23. i feel like i might as well , what’s the point . i do nothing but cause a issue , i just don’t want it to hurt.

    1. I’m sorry the despair and suicidality is so bad. Do you feel that way for a period of time? If that’s the case, how long do your episodes last? Thank you for commenting here. I’m really honored you did.

  24. Hi Anne,
    When I was 13, I was referred to CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services) I was self-harming, felt depressed and had attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers. Despite being equipped with the coping skills to manage my self-harm, I didn’t stop until November 15th 2018, 2 months after my GP put me on Sertraline. Over the years, I have been referred to Psychology, Psychiatry, CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) and CATT (Crisis Assessment Treatment Team) I have been admitted to A&E countless times for trying to put an end to my pain and had the police on our doorstep during the early hours of the morning to conduct a welfare check, because they had received reports from ChildLine etc.) with concerns that I was going to take my own life. At 22, I have attempted suicide more then 20 times, with my most recent attempt in September and although I have not self-harmed in nearly 3 years, suicidal thoughts continue to be a daily battle for me, as they have been for the last 9 years.

    1. Cheyenne- I’m so deeply sorry you suffer from chronic suicidality. I cannot even pretend to understand your pain but admire your perseverance. Thank you for sharing how you moved away from self-harm. I’ve not heard of that medication.
      I’m grateful you told your story here. Your truth. Your pain. If you reply, I will answer. Let me know how I might help.

      1. Hi Anne – I find it hard to breathe because the air suffocates me daily and I just can’t stay here anymore, the more I try to convince myself to hold on a little longer, I die a bit more inside. The pain is overwhelming, I’m just so tired, exhausted actually, not in the sense that I want to go to sleep, sleep won’t help with this kind of tired, sleep won’t take away this kind of pain, I just need it to stop, I need it to go away forever 😭💔

        1. You sound worn out. I feel it in your words.

          Through all those attempts you are still here so your survivor mode, which is a natural instinct, must have kicked in at some point and interrupted your dying by suicide. Those who are driven to suicide in their pain have often told me there is something that makes them ambivalent about dying. Do you know what that thing or those things are for you? A pet, a family member? Fear of disability?

          Thank you for engaging in this conversation, Cheyenne. It’s appreciated.

          1. Exactly! – there’s a quote that goes “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die” and that’s something I can relate to so much, I wake up in the morning and wish I hadn’t, I close my eyes at night hoping it’ll be the last time..It’s not like I want to end my life, like when I’m actively suicidal, but I don’t want to live and no matter how hard I try to push these thoughts out of my mind, they just won’t go away.

            1. That’s exactly how a lot of people describe it. I’m copying what you said because so many want to understand it and you put it so concisely there. And I want people to understand it’s not a “choice” but something you are driven to and worn down from.

              So when the thoughts of Charles’s death would invade first thing in the morning when I got up, I just crumpled to the floor in a fetal position at first. I just let the pain in and kept chanting, “I will survive,” and, “this pain means I’m healing,” over and over. Somtimes, I’d say “I love you Charles,” and “it hurts this much to lose you because I love you so much.” I knew the really intense feeling would lift in about 60-90 seconds. But I didn’t push them away because when I did that, they would come back at me like a boomerang on steroids. And when the intense pain lifted, I got up to try to get ahead of it and went outside. So while I have not struggled with suicidality, that’s the only comparison I have. And it is a sort of depression even if it is grief depression. It’s very heavy. And a part of me had died but it woke up another part of me that had never been there.

              So I’m guessing no medication has really worked to help quiet your thoughts? Tell me about that if you would. And thank you again. This is so helpful.

              1. The medication I am on is called Sertraline, it is a type of antidepressant known as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) I am on 150mg and have been on it since September 2018, as a direct result, I no longer have the thoughts or urge to self-harm but despite this, my suicidal thoughts have never gone away and only got worse. Your probably curious as to how I ended up here but I’m sure you know that like most, I ended up here purely because I was doing exactly that – looking up how to hang myself.

                1. So the SSRI isn’t blocking the suicidal thoughts. That sucks.

                  And I figured you landed here from a search. Most do.

                  Those who have chronic suicidality often tell me there is something or someone that makes them hesitant about dying. Do you know what that thing or those things are for you? A pet, a family member? Fear of disability?

                  1. Yes – I know this is probably going to sound silly but on the 6th February 2017, I was sent a JellyCat Cordy Roy Fox by a lovely couple I met on a FB group for those with Autism of which the husband had Asperger’s Syndrome (a mild form of autism) I named him Finley and well Anne…he’s my BEST friend in the whole world, we have been through absolutely everything together, having Autism myself as well as Moderate Learning Disabilities, Social, Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties, Anxiety and OCD, It was nice to know that there were people out there who understood just how IMPORTANT it was to have something that brings you comfort, in a world that you find so hard to make sense of and I will forever be grateful to them both ❤️

                    1. I had to look up “JellyCat Cordy Roy Fox.” And I work with an organization for youth with autism and they’ve opened an amazing new school in Virginia. They are all about helping those kids make the most of their lives and abililties and seeing their gifts. Because you know you have them right? But the social part is so hard. That is so sweet. I’m going to send one to someone at some point, too. That’s a great idea. I will give you credit. Thank you for telling me about this couple. And the Cordy Fox. 🙂

                  2. You see – he was a match made in heaven as I absolutely love Foxes!

                    Since I received my Autism diagnosis, I’ve struggled to accept that this is part of who I am, on top of this I also identify within the LGBT community and I’ve always felt like I was broken and needed fixed.

                    1. I know you don’t know me and it doesn’t mean much but I accept you just the way you are. There is a group called Trevor project and they have a private forum for conversation. But as a young person you have a lot to work through. Autism alone is so isolating socially. But I do like that you made friends with that couple. Because I would think (and you can correct me if I am wrong) that it shows you that you can have a future. I am amazed at what you have gone through. Your story is so powerful. If you ever wanted yo write something about LGBTQ and autism and it’s connection to suicide to submit to this blog I can send you a link. And if we run in of reply space you can start a new comment. I really appreciate your authenticity.

                  3. Thank you Anne, I want to make it absolutely clear that while I have her husband on FB, we are never in touch with each other, secondly that just because someone with autism has friends doesn’t show what the future holds for them.

                    1. I got you Cheyene. I think I went all Polly positive on you for a moment there. Not fair on my part and I am sorry I did that. I need to continue to meet you where you are and just accept that you are in pain.

                      Having worked with those who live with autism, I have seen how hard it is to make friends, get invited to events, and so on. Do you know others who live with Autism? Like a group or anything? I actually do not know of a group but I think maybe I need to check that out. Michael, who lives with autism, wrote this and gave me permission to share it. He is very religious and that’s what worked for him but maybe there are parts of this you can relate to even if there are parts you cannot. But the part about autism, the depression and the fact that he suffered from thoughts of suicide since he was 12 reminded me. https://annemoss.com/2017/05/22/suffering-suicidal-thoughts-since-age-12/

                  4. Hi Anne – Don’t worry about it, you were only trying to help and I didn’t respond very kindly to you before – for that I am deeply sorry.

                  5. If I could turn these thoughts off like a switch – I would.
                    I’m tired of everything – trying, hoping, not coping, breathing, living, existing – I don’t want to hurt anymore and the only way that I can see out, is if I end my life 😭💔

                    1. I know you would. And I do hear how some do it but it’s definitely not a one size fits all. My friend Frank King says “it’s always on the menu.” That’s why I have books and podcasts o. The page because I sure don’t know. Was there a time in your life when you got a break from suicidal thoughts?

                    1. I have heard of that. I hate that you live with this. I wish science could offer more insight, more solutions. What do you think you were meant to accomplish? I wonder that about myself all the time so I hope you are ok that I am asking you.

                  6. I’ve never wanted anything from life, the only thing I’ve always known was that one day I was going to successfully complete suicide and I am just as determined as ever, if not more to achieve that outcome.

                  7. While my mum and dad are aware of my past issues with mental health, they aren’t aware of what has been going on for the last 14 months.

                    1. OK. Any specific reason(s) you have not told them? Again, I’m not going to suggest or shame or anything else. It just helps me to understand. You are lovely to put up with and answer all these questions.

                  8. Hi Anne – I have messaged you on Facebook, while I am ok to chat here, I was hoping to discuss some things privately with you – hope this is ok?

                  9. Have you checked your message requests? As normally that’s where they go when it’s someone that’s not a friend on your Facebook.

                    1. Just got back from a suicide prevention conference where I spoke. So I did an exercise and asked people to post on a post it note what struggles they were having. And wow. What a response. It just goes to show you how many people struggle with something.

  25. you are the problem. if there is any justice anywhere you will go to hell; masquerading and tricking people you are typical of the life forms that inhabit this universe.
    no doubt nothing i could communicate would convince your prejudiced mind of your actually low morals.
    in fact i’m sure that most of the greatest evils have been done for the good in the perpertraitors mind. LOL what it must be like to be that corrupt and not know it, surely bliss

    1. I take it on the chin Jackobyte. I try to see things from all perspectives and by posting here you’ve allowed me to see yours and how others might perceive me when they come to this page. This page does not provide instructions to end one’s life but rather resources. And if that’s not what you are looking for and your brain pain is really bad, I wouldn’t expect you to be all toxic positive about that. No matter how you feel about me, I’m sorry you feel like suicide.

      1. My life is the worst, sure people have had worse experience than me but what im saying is, ive beem cutting myself lately and have tried on numerous occasions to kill myself, but i just cant do it, im 13 and school is just the worst my’pic’ was leaked recently and ever since ive been bullies and yes it is my fault that i sent it but in other words i sent it because they said ‘i like you’ and me being me i was full of adrenaline and because no one ever liked me before i was full of shock and sent it but sure enough my stupid ass was dumb enough to know it was one of my ‘old friends’ and sure enough it eas sent everwhere and just before writing this i tried killing myself and i feel like crap everyday knowing whats gonna happen tomorrow.

        1. Oh Mikey, I’m so sorry someone would abuse your trust and do something so cruel. How painful that must be for you. I know the cutting is a coping strategy. Not a healthy one of course. But do you have any healthy coping strategies like hiking outside or something? I hurt for you so much. I know this was humiliating. Do you have anyone to talk to? And I will answer if you respond. I’m honored you shared here.

  26. I was 9 years old when I first started to wonder how the world would be without me and how better off I would be without the world. Time passed and on my 10th birthday I was so frustrated I was struggling so internal with my mental health I made a vow I will commit this crime on myself on my 18th birthday and I continue to my life with that intention in mind. I couldn’t find in myself to let anyone in, 3 years passed till I was reading my suicide letter in the middle of class, just looking down at it crying till I got it token away and I cried harder than the guidance counselor came, first time out of dozens of time going to an inpatient care unit. I pushed everyone away because I couldn’t find in my heart to have people be attached to the idea of me just for me to erupt-fully leave on that specific birthday. Years and years have passed, I’m turning 20 in less than a week. Still fighting these urges. But the ironic part is, I have hope even when my irrational mind constantly fights with my will to live. It’s exhausting but I know I want to thrive, not just survive. It hurts a lot I’ve gone so long without close connections and now I deeply struggle to create relationships, but I try my hardest.

    1. What a survivor you are. And to think you have struggled for decades without really sharing with anyone. I am so honored you shared here. I feel honored personally. Do you think a lifetime of pushing people away has made it difficult for you to establish close relationships now? I only ask based on what you have written and please correct anything that is not correct because I want to understand.

  27. I had been feeling really bad for a few days and while the house was empty today I tried to seize the opportunity to end my life. I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom with a camping stove running on its highest setting. An hour later, nothing and absolutely no signs of CO poisoning (no headache or dizziness and no loss of consciousness). Considering how hot it was today, I was more likely to sweat to death. It turns out the ‘butane’ does not give off dangerous levels of CO and so that was yet another thing I could not get right. I guess it was a bit amusing looking back on it now, sat there for over an hour just sweating while a relatively safe gas burns away.

    1. So I am reading along and your comment, “I was more likely to sweat to death,” made me hiccup and then laugh. Rarely does that happen on this thread. Your dry humor in this whole story does come through. I don’t even know how you have been able to do that but you did. How are you feeling now? Because it appears you decided if one thing didn’t work you’d go to another. And I do have to ask you. Do you take what has happened as a sign?

      1. I am at the moment feeling frustrated that what I thought was a perfect method was a complete failure. Somebody once said that if you think it is hard to be born into the world then it is a 100 times harder to leave the world. I am like everybody and just wish for a single magic pill where I could fall asleep and that would be it. Today just proved that I am not very good at chemistry. There probably was a sign when I tried to take my life a few years ago. I owned a Vauxhall Cavalier at the time that had always proven to be reliable. One day I took it to my favourite place overlooking the sea along with a long length of hose and sat there for a while before I decided to make a start. When I felt ready, the car absolutely refused to start. I have refused to buy another Vauxhall made car every again but since then they introduced catalytic converters on all cars and so that method is out of the question now anyway.

        1. I have noticed that people who live with suicidal thoughts contemplate “how” a lot. That must be…I’m not sure how to describe it–confusing and desparaging? That’s not exactly right. I’m sorry it’s that bad. Do you live with anyone?

  28. How do you know you will go through with it? I woke up at 3am crying the other night and all I could think about was wanting to end my life. I ended up here like everyone else because I googled a method to do that. I’m actually putting thought in the best way to do it so my family doesn’t have to clean up a mess. I don’t know why I feel so much pain….but I do know I want it to end.

    1. I just feel alone. I went through a bad split about two years ago with someone I was with for almost 20 years. He’s a narcissist to say the least and loves to flaunt how happy is he in my face every chance he gets. I finally decided to start dating again last year with someone I was friends with for about 15 years. In May he was murdered. I thought I was doing okay. Going to therapy and just trying to heal. I just feel hopeless. I don’t feel like I have much of a purpose. Financially I’m on the brink of bankruptcy. It just feels like the world is closing in on me and I just don’t want to be here anymore.

      1. Raquel- I work with grieving people all the time. And it’s not unusual to feel like suicide when you’ve lost someone. My gosh you have a lot going on. I totally understand your despair and I am so sorry your partner was murdered. That’s a brutal loss. I do understand and have felt intense grief. I thought I would not survive it hurt so much.

        I have a question, though. So I see what things have happened in your life to make you feel the hopelessness. What was going on in your life when you were happiest?

          1. I can understand why that would be hard to remember with all you have going on. Do you feel 100% committed to the idea of dying or does it kind of waffle back and forth between a lot of pain and wanting to stop it and then later feeling like you don’t want to die? Kind of back and forth. I hope you are ok with these questions. I just want to know what your experience is like.

  29. I don’t have any reason to believe it’ll get anything but worse. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m broken. I feel so worthless and used.

      1. Everyone always leaves. I am never enough for anyone. I have been a full time student working on my nursing degree and have 9 months left, I found out I was pregnant in July and when I told my fiancé of 4 years he just left. And here I am today alone miscarrying my sweet baby. My parents aren’t around. No friends. It’s just me and I’m so tired of being so alone and feeling so empty. I just want the pain to stop

        1. No wonder you feel such despair. Well I know it’s not much but I am here. And I hear you. I feel and understand your pain. No human should be left holding all of this alone. It isn’t fair. And I hear that you feel abandoned. I am also honored you shared with me—trust me. Did the “I have had enough” feeling come on all at once or has it been building? I am guessing the bf leaving was the big blow. That’s the reaction everyone dreads. They don’t show that one in the movies.

  30. i was scammed, i came her for help dying not help staying alive. i want to die. life is so stupid. i consent to dying so just let me die. goddamn i lose everything and i cant even kill myself right.

    1. I can understand and appreciate your anger. If I was in as much pain as you are now, I wouldn’t be sweet jolly sunshine either. While I can’t fix your brain pain or offer instructions on how to die, I can listen and I will reply.

    2. $26,000. What is this number you ask? This is the dollar amount that my life is worth. So many people say “Oh you can’t put a price on a life! You’re priceless!” I assure you, they are wrong. In my state and area, the average cost for a funeral, completely covered in all ways possible, is $26,000.

      What does this mean? I will be open and honest. This means that once I have saved $26k, I can finally be free of this world. I see no point in existing further. I have no parents left, no siblings, no wife or children. I work a job that, let’s be real, is meaningless. More defined, my position can easily be filled by another, and the work done truly has no great impact on the daily lives of any one person.

      With nothing to live for that has any real meaning, what is the point in continuing? To continue working a full job, just to maintain a drab lifestyle to eventually retire, sit at home and wait to pass? I truly have no hobbies I enjoy, for most everything costs so much money, that I simply do not have. I have no “real” friends or people I spend time with or converse with, other than co-workers during the normal workday.

      Why should one continue to live such a life that brings them no joy, and only inflicts furthered pain, suffering, and loneliness each and every moment? My reasoning for continuing on is to reach that $26k in savings. If I can reach that, I will truly no longer be a burden, as I will be able to afford my own funeral, instead of making the state pick up that cost.

      And I’m only $14,300 off of my goal. Freedom. Bless you all, and may no one ever feel the emptiness I feel, may you all be loved and cared for.

      1. Man Broken Soul. You were so good at expressing your pain I feel it in my bones. Was there anything in particular that triggered all this? Or is it something that has been happening over a long period of time? If you don’t mind my asking.

        1. What I have realized is, the precipice of this realization started in June of 2020. I lost my job, the career I have worked so hard for, for so many years. The very people I was closest to, were the ones who turned their back on me and caused so many problems at my job, my employer terminated me. Certainly I am upset by this. What it has made me realize though is, over 90 percent of the issues I mentioned before, have been building up for years, I just never realized it. I never realized it because the job I had, what one could consider a “dream career”, or job that you have wanted for many many years, a job that was meaningful, was a position of prestige and professionalism, a position of admiration and respect, and that directly benefited so many people daily. The traumatic loss of that position, and the ridicule and torment that has followed, has also been a beacon of light, showing just how many demons have been hiding in the closet waiting to come out. Losing my entire sense of self worth, my entire support system, and realizing I will never again be in a position of dignity either professionally or personally, has led me to where I am today. I am not in anger, nor am I under any great emotional distress. I have accepted my new position in life, however it is not something I wish to continue to bear the burden of. Many so called friends have given the advice of “you just need to set new goals!”, and I agree, and have done just that, a goal of $26,000 to free myself and be at peace with that decision

          1. What a devastating loss that has been. It’s like you are grieving the loss of this job, and the identity and connections that went with it. That’s what it sounds like from my perspective. And then you felt that imposter syndrome—like it was all fake to begin with because of all these demons that you’d ignored. And it just all collapsed at once, it crushed you as a human. Have I got that right? You are very articulate in your communication by the way. I am guessing that is a trait you developed in this job?

  31. i just wanna say im sorry about your son. im sure he loved you so very much. i miss my dad more than anything. and i know if he were here i wouldn’t be feeling this way and thats what hurts the most. unfortunately i think my time has come. i want to be with him. more than anything. this thing we call life isn’t for everyone.. i have slowly come to realize that.

    1. Grief is brutal trigger for suicide. Gray, someone who has written on this site, said she felt obligated to live until finally she wanted to live again. And I know how much my grief hurt and clearly yours does too. I am so very sorry about your dad. Your note speaks volumes about how much he meant to you and still does. I am sure others in your family are also feeling sadness. Do you have other family members?

  32. It’s currently 8:37pm my parents are downstairs And my brother is in his room, I’m sitting here planning on how tomorrow I will kill my self. I came across this site in an effort to help me. I’m 23 and have had over 14 suicide attempts. I’ve been raped by 3 people, beaten most of my life, suffered from anorexia, bulimia and drug and alcohol addictions. I’ve been self harming since I was 9. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, really I don’t. I’m crying so much right now that the words look blurry. But right now I’m in so much pain that I truly don’t see a way out. I’ve tried every type of therapy from Cbt to EMDR nothing helps long term, I’ve had 24 hospital admissions and again nothing helps long term. I’m sick of this pain. I physically can’t take this anymore

    1. Jas. I hear you. I am in disbelief over what you have endured. Since you were 9! And raped three times? How does someone do that to another human in the first place? Damn. I am crying with you. When was the first time you first thought about suicide?

      1. I had my first proper suicide attempt at 13, (that was when I was first raped) but I was having suicidal thoughts at age 10.

      2. Also I forgot to add by suicidal at age 10, I was trying methods to kill myself but don’t really count them as attempts I count my first one from when I was 13

    2. Hi Jas – I know exactly what it’s like to struggle with your mental health. When I was 13, I was referred to CAMHS (Children & Adolescent Mental Health Services) after it was discovered that I was self-harming, felt depressed & had attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers. Over the next 4 years, I continued to attend CAMHS but despite being equipped with the coping skills to manage my self-harm, I didn’t stop until the 15th November 2018, 2 months after my GP put me on Sertraline. Over the years, I have been referred to Psychology, Psychiatry, CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) & CATT (Crisis Assessment Treatment Team) I have been admitted to A&E more than 10 times for trying to put an end to my pain & had police on our doorstep during the early hours of the morning to conduct a welfare check, because they had received reports from ChildLine etc.) with concerns that I was going to take my own life. I’m 22 now have had over 20 suicide attempts, with my most recent in September & although I have not self-harmed in nearly 3 years, suicidal thoughts continue to be a daily battle for me, as they have been for the last 9 years.

  33. A & G there is a good chance you will meet your loved one again and they will be happy in eternal live. God bless you all.

  34. I am so sorry about your son. I’ve been on this site before but I never said anything, I just scrolled through. I’m 33 female, but my first attempt was when I was 7. I grew up in a very volatile household and because I couldn’t safely be honest it has affected my relationships but even though I’m self aware and have tried multiple therapists and medications nothing changes. Nothing important does. I will continue to push the friends I love away, unintentionally, I will always be labeled crazy. The ones who don’t care or are malicious will either get sick of me or use me and the ones who do care will be hurt by me. I’m so tired.

    I don’t even have the time for therapy. I work a job I need to survive but drains me and I am studying for a degree I can’t stand. I lost multiple friends including the person I thought I loved this past year. I ended things with someone even more toxic than me. I lost a dear loved one recently. My health is worsening and I worry that I won’t be able to get the treatment I need but the medical stuff is just another time constraint but the chronic pain is draining. I can’t even talk to people without a mask because I have issues and am disgusting to look at. I’m exhausted and defeated. I don’t see an end to it. It’s not so much that I want to die, but what exactly do I have to look forward to? I am lonely and alone and have no meaning in what I do. I can’t tell my friends and I definitely can’t tell my parents. But saying this helped some. Regardless of my choice as I am more ambivalent about it at this time I can appreciate what you’re doing. Thank you.

    1. Thank you for being your authentic self although I feel you have a distorted view of yourself based on your trauma history. I find that self hatred to be the case in those who live with depression and trauma. And I also hear from other the confusion of ambivalence during and after suicidal episodes. That has to be so confusing and unsettling for lack of a better phrase. My neighbor and friend Chris Carlton suffered sexual abuse as a child and what finally worked for him was EMDR. Not to try and fix because I can’t do that but he writes about that in his book, Nice to Meet Me by Chris Carlton. I am honored you posted a comment here. Thank you for your trust. I can’t fix but I can and will reply.

      1. My view of myself is distorted, but at the same time I have to wonder does it matter if it is when I’m still alone? I’m sorry for what your friend went through. If I somehow decide to live, and I don’t think I will, I might look into that type of therapy and book. It doesn’t help that I still have to carry a charade with one of the two people who abused me. And while theirs wasn’t the worst of it, it was the most constant and ongoing, and they are completely in denial of everything. A life where they are one of the only people “close” to me who will stick with me isn’t a life worth living and just cements the fact i deserve to be alone. I haven’t gotten a break from the want to die. I wrote all my notes and affairs. I could barely function at work. So I don’t know.

        1. Fair enough. I’m just honored you read the comment and are even considering it. I’m so very sorry you went through this. It’s so unbelievable a human would take advantage of another, more vulnerable, child in that way. How you must have wrestled with it somehow being your fault and the affect it had on your own self esteem. All of that is not your fault. It wasn’t theirs to take from you. We had a suicide coalition meeting today and the founder of Robin’s Hope has a group that deals with childhood sexual abuse and what they do as a group to heal. It was eye opening hearing her stories. I didn’t say much. Just listened. And I thought about you while listening to the stories.

        2. Hello Ceres,
          This message is especially for you. I’m really sorry that you are so alone. That sucks. NO, you don’t deserve to be alone. No, you are not disgusting, and no you are not crazy. A little note here: everyone acts a little funny when they feel hopeless, and it become a vicious circle if we don’t act and do something to stop it. I am in a position with my training to tell you that since you are asking for help, you have many good things that you can look forward to. Now I have a couple of degrees here so don’t tune me out yet. You just need to see what the good things are, so you can pick and choose from them. If you read my message to Jas on this site, you will see that you and I have several similarities. I thought I was going crazy, I was desperately alone, and I did not like myself either. Maybe I was ugly, but apparently I got better looking at age 39 when I found a fabulous woman to marry, and I stayed married for 34 years until she recently died. I was an old bachelor until age 39; then it all changed. And it will for you too, if you believe what a person who has been there is telling you. I am 74 now and I am alone too; so don’t think I don’t know how it all feels again. I am picking up the pieces also, but you have what I don’t have, and that is your youth. That is everything. My God girl, you are working on a degree. Do you know what a great thing that is? You have a job. All I can say is wow for you. The first thing I will tell you is don’t let people use you. Respect yourself even if being lonely is painful. You must hold yourself above your problems and bad people, or get buried by them. Lose any losers in your life that could be dragging you down; do it politely but firmly. Get a pet or find a friend from a photography or a dance class if you can. You could try taking a marshal arts class or painting, or whatever you like. Join a club that is not demanding. There is someone out there for everyone. Really at your age it’s all a numbers game for finding a guy. Just make sure the guy is going somewhere with his life. He needs a job, or be in school or a training program. He doesn’t do porn, drugs, or get blasted every night. You don’t need to be his keeper, while you are working on yourself. Taper off on your classes while you are working, to make it easier to get that degree. Getting educated is your lifeline. And from there you can have a better job and so on. Then you can start getting creative with your life. You can go on trips and meet people. You can buy stuff that makes you happy. You can learn to play a little. That is how you work your way to freedom and it will allow you to create your new life. Yes, I said create your new life. If I could do it, anybody can do it. You stop seeing yourself as a victim of your circumstances, and start taking good, productive actions to make your life better in even the smallest ways. Remember that changing your direction in the tiniest way every day now will result in an enormous change later on. This is the truth that I am telling you. It can be no other way; I have proved it with myself, and I am taking action with my own life right now. It is not an end in itself; it is an ongoing process that you practice every day. Constructive action, by repeated constructive action is your way out of this. I don’t know what your classes look like, but if you’re pursuing a Psychology degree like so many women are these days, you could maybe apply those credits towards a Social Services degree to get into a counseling program if that appeals to you. If you are working on another degree, you could. do something similar in another field. Look for some training or internship jobs. Ask around. Sometimes people will hire you with the understanding that you finish your B.A. degree or graduate degree. That worked for me. What I am telling you is to not get boxed in, and to start looking at your problems from the outside of the box, and not from the darkness of the inside where you can’t see any options. I hope this helps you see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I know that it is extremely difficult for you right now, but you still have many years to make your life into a beautiful one. Take it from a person who struggled hard and didn’t think it would ever work, but it did.

    2. Hello Jas,
      I just saw your post here and as someone who thought about suicide since I was 14 years old, I thought I might say a couple of things. First off, I really hear you. You have had a rotten gig, and anyone reading your story is not going to argue with you….certainly not me. I have to say though that all the very bad things that happened to you are not you. The very bad things that happened are the bad things that some very bad animals did to you, and it is on their souls that the shame and ugliness rests. They are the garbage of the earth, not you. You have made 14 efforts to destroy yourself over the garbage of this earth. This makes me very angry that some scum of the toilet variety have hurt you so bad that they have caused you to dislike living so much. I am so terribly sorry that you have endured so much, and I can fully understand why you might no longer want to live. Because I understand where you are coming from ( I have been through some pretty bad scenes) I just want you to know that all of what you are telling us is not your fault. No one has a right to harm you in any way. Now I am not going to just leave you out there saying yeah, thats easy for you to say. I think you need a plan, a good plan to not only make you feel better, but to get even for all the crap that you have been through. What destroys people most often is are the feelings of hate and injustice that overcome us when we have been hurt. The best revenge, and I mean big time revenge, that you can possibly get, that anyone can get in life, is to be successful over all that has been done to you. And maybe even tell the world how you did it. Your story can certainly help thousands of other young men and women in similar situations. You can prove that truly mean people suck, and that mean people are losers and failures where you are concerned. Your plan should start with getting yourself away from drugs, alcohol, and other shit that will keep you a slave to your emotions, and perpetuate a further slide down the slope from where you want to be. For right now forget about destroying your precious life and get your head into a I’m going to show them all they can’t hurt me mode. Screw them my friend; they are shit and you know it. You don’t even owe them the right to see you succeed. Let them ferment in the trash that they are. What I know from many long years of going through this, is that they will destroy themselves, either their lives here or eventually their own souls. I went through hell, but I overcame it all. I succeeded in making a good life and adopted three children who came from horrible situations. They are now successful too. And if you listen to me you will get better and eventually turn your whole life into goodness and learn to love who you are.. If you can find a good friend who is not depressed, and preferably of the opposite sex, and if you can stay clean and calm yourself down, you can do this. You could try adding a counselor or clergy person if that appeals to you. But you need to start somewhere, and that somewhere is where you are now, with what you have now. You need to find a way to make money. Working will give you a feeling of self worth. You don’t need to be a brain surgeon; just do any job that you can stay with and continue asking for and getting professional help. One source could be at your local city or town employment agency just to get started. If you don’t like your job, go back there and find another one. Buy some stuff for yourself, some clothes, a camera, nice food treats, books, and whatever else appeals to you. If you need to get out of a bad home life find a friend of two, or put up a card advertising that you want to get out and share a room with no drugs or alcohol. There has to be a truckload of other people your age who want to get out of a bad scene. That’s how I started. I found a starter job and moved out. Things got better, and then better again as I made more changes with the new power I acquired. Now start looking ahead, and stop looking behind you. When people look behind them, they can easily trip over what’s in front of them. What is worse is that you won’t see all the great possibilities that are in front of a young person like yourself. Look, this is not going to be a Yogi Bear picnic at first because you are not feeling power yet. But you will get power from the very first change that you make. And with the next well thought out change, you will get greater and greater power. Cry no more dear person…..take charge with a desire to do good things with your life, and leave the rubble of ugly people to eat their own dust. Print out this letter to you if you can, to remind you of what you need to do. And remember that the state, city, county, and federal government s all have training programs to educate you to perform meaningful, good , and productive work. Work and money will buy you your freedom. You should have enough now to start your engines. God bless you my friend.

  35. I just want to share my own perspective which might give you a better idea of why some of us have no choice but to continue to pursue suicide. I am in my mid-40’s and have been researching suicide methods and trying to get help for 20 years. Over all those years, I have now explored all avenues and overturned every stone and there really is no help available. I live with a condition called misophonia, I have got no future, every single day is hell and there is no cure for the condition. This is something that not only makes my life hell but is also hell for all the people who surround me. Many of us have already desperately tried to get help but there is not any. The sad part is that there are a LOT of people who work in mental health just to take home a large salary at the end of every month and I have met a fair number of these people already. I have just spend another evening researching suicide methods and am currently having another re-think. I really need to just pick one and take a deep breath and get on with it but trying to find somewhere quiet to do it is the real problem for me at the moment.

    1. Adrian. That continuous noise has to really get to you. I am so sorry that you have struggled for such a long time. I am not here to talk you out of it. I don’t have that power. But I do appreciate your sharing your feelings and explaining a condition I knew little about. I can’t say that I know how you feel because I don’t. Do you have family? (This is not a guilt question, by the way)

      1. Anne. Having misophonia has caused lots of problems for me in life and a lot of people have decided that they do not want to be near me. I am near the end of my marriage and so do not really have much of a family left. My parents are no longer here either. I should be at my prime as I work in a job that most could only dream of but it is the poor quality of life itself that is unbearable.

        I like to say that suicide cases can be put into one of two categories. The first is the ‘quick decision’ category as when a relationship fails or loved one dies etc. The second is the ‘long consideration’ category and these are the people who have already explored other options and given it as much time as they possibly can for things to hopefully improve but they never do. I fall into this second category. Your work will help those in the first category but unfortunately there is little or no help for me.

        1. Yeah, I’m in the long considering category. I’ve been suicidal since my early 20s and as I get older, I get more serious about it. I’m 38 now and doing my best to wait until my dog who is 13 takes her final breath. Then I’m heading out to the wilderness where I will purposely not drink water or eat. Should only take less than a week to finally experience the end of consciousness I’ve been seeking for the majority of this pointless thing called my life.

    2. Thats interesting you say that about the two categories. I’ve noticed that those who don’t kill themselves fall into two categories.

      Life reasons and fear reasons. The latter not meaning that someone is chicken but rather afraid it won’t go well, will be painful or they will be disabled or something like that.

      And if the long haulers, those who’ve struggled with suicidality for decades, find one reason to not suicide some shift happens in their attitude. They make a decision to do one thing and then one more. It’s not fast but as someone who has been part of that process it’s well a privilege. In many cases where someone has been dealing with it for decades, hating themselves seems to be at the core driving all the other issues. For example people don’t like them because they don’t love themselves and as a result hard to be around.

      Having said all that it is those who have struggled with it the longest who find it the hardest to find a way out. And I have gotten messages from loved ones from this very thread or my YouTube channel that someone I had been speaking with took their life. It’s usually from a shocked relative who was trying to find the “why” and was combing through their emails. But I also get emails from some who will return years later, people I thought would never have made it, and they did. Debbie is on this thread multiple times. She will write me every six months. I thought she would not make it but somehow she did. I have no power and control over any of this. I see my role as someone who cares and listens in what seems like a vast and uncaring world. For some that is enough. For others it is not. You might give up on you. I am just saying that I won’t. Thank you for your commentary. It always helps me to better understand the brain pain called suicidal thinking. I appreciate the conversation given how deep your despair has to be.

      1. Yes you are correct, it is those who carry these feelings for the longest that ultimately take things slower as they feel like they want to get it right first time. Any failed suicide attempt will ultimately end up with a long stay in a psychiatric hospital which makes matters even worse sometimes. They have got to bring the pain to an end but it needs to be the ultimate end and want it to be as painless as possible. The ‘spare of the moment’ suicide people such as when a marriage has just suddenly ended without warning are those who do not really stop and think about methods and consequences.

        I do understand the pain of those left behind and that they can keep asking the question ‘why’ for many years afterwards. This is why I am trying to be open about what it is really like to feel like this every single day for their benefit.

        I have now seen suicide from both sides. When I was 18 years old I witnessed a suicide myself. It was the very early hours of New Years Day and I was walking home from my then girlfriends house after seeing the New Year in with her. My path home took me across a high footbridge which spanned a deep cut-through with a road at the bottom. As I started to cross the bridge I noticed somebody also start to cross the bridge from the other side. Before they eve got anywhere near me they vaulted over the handrails without even the slightest hesitation. I can still remember the sound they made as they hit the bottom and how the noise echoed in the valley due to the cold night. The hardest part was however having to sit in the coroners court in front of his parents and describe in detail the last few moments of their son’s life. Understandably, they were quite emotional. I also remember the coroner describing how the doctors report determined that he would have still been alive when he hit the bottom. He would have lay in the road paralysed for a while until a car eventually came up the road and around a bend to where he was and hit him and finally killed him. The people in the car were apparently in a very bad way emotionally afterwards.

        Sorry it is a long story but hopefully it might help others if they are questioning why after the death of their own loved ones. I would also say to anybody else that if you really must end your life then to be respectful and not to leave others to pick up the pieces afterwards. If I had the money I would sail across the pacific as a means of trying to get away from it all and recover. I would also invite similar recovering suicidal people to join me as my crew. Maybe one day.

        1. Adrian- You have to have been traumatized yourself after witnessing what you did. And it likely put it on the radar as a possibility even then. There is evidence that being exposed raises risk. I love this: “If I had the money I would sail across the pacific as a means of trying to get away from it all and recover. I would also invite similar recovering suicidal people to join me as my crew. Maybe one day.” I wanted to go hide in a cave in Peru when my son was using and became addicted and then come home when everything was resolved and shiny and happy. When you wrote that I so bonded with that feeling although mine came from a different place. What I have found is that working through it all is part of the healing process. It sucked though. But I am better for having gone through it although it would never be a choice. And certainly what happened after paled in comparison. I never knew I could survive pain like that. I’m amazed how you have survived and all you have endured.

        2. Adrian. I also suffer from Misophonia and for as long as I remember I have wanted to die. So much of what you say rings true. I havent told anyone my thoughts for over thirty years.
          After two attempts growing up I know my third attempt will be the last. But the reason why I have put it off is because I am so scared that it will not work and I will be left in a worse state that what I am now.
          I just wish people understood me but it has taken me a while to understand myself. I do not want help to live but help to die. I just wish we had a place to go and turn off our lights with medical personal who can help us pass peacefully and also arrange disposal of our bodies afterwards so no innocents can get hurt by the mess we leave behind. Thank you for sharing your story

    3. Dear Adrian,
      I have experienced many deaths including the recent death of my wife of 34 years. I also felt suicidal since I was 14. So I am familiar with both desires to end my life. I ,like you, worked at a good job, forced myself to get degrees, and sought help for a long term, and continuing health problem that I thought was going to kill me. The pain of it seemed unbearable. I just did quite a bit of reading about your condition, because your story really moved me. I see what you are up against, but I am on the outside of your problem looking in, and you are seemingly trapped inside. I have just finished reading other stories like yours and your pain must be tremendous; I am so sorry for your pain, and I am especially affected by the fact that you are so young. I cannot repair what is happening to you any more than I could have fixed my own problem. I can, however, give you some hope. I have been in the field of Neuroscience for 30 years, and I can see that there are researchers at work right now looking at your problem. For almost 40 years no one could fix my problem, and then suddenly out of nowhere researchers found a drug that made my life truly worth living and even relatively wonderful. The general consensus is that your problem is not psychological, although it has some psychological components. It also seems to have some genetic components. If I am right the physical nature of your disease my have in it the design for either a cure or a means of reducing your symptoms by drugs or perhaps surgery at some later time. These things have progressed at a snail’s pace in the past, but since the advent of new sophisticated computers that can perform billions of calculations in a few seconds, research is progressing at a logarithmic pace rather than a linear one. There are other diseases like OCD that appear at first to be psychological, but are not, that have components similar to those exhibited in your disorder. Research in these outlying areas just might produce a way of alleviating your pain. You never know; it could be just around the corner. Please consider what I am telling you, because I know from personal experience and research on my own condition that this is the truth. In reflecting back on my own life, I am glad that I stuck around to see what would happen, and I would hate to know that you departed without giving it some more time. I think that you are a good person, and a good person should stick around. We need you.

  36. I need help. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 14. I turn 29 in two weeks. I’ve been married for 7 1/2 years. We have a 6 year old son who is hands down my biggest fan and a 2 year old daughter that has me wrapped around her finger. On April 28 my wife told me she wants a divorce. I am going through the hardest time of my life right now. I’ve picked up my bottle of anti depressants multiple times with intentions of taking the whole bottle. I found this website trying to Google how to hang myself. I’ve never felt so hopeless and alone my whole life. It’s hard enough battling with these thoughts every day for so long but now it’s consuming me. And I don’t even want to do it. I love my kids more than anything and I know how bad they need me. My wife and I are still best friends, which has made this whole process even harder being around her every day. She’s the only one who knows where I am mentally. She’s trying to take care of me but she still has a wall up and it’s destroying me. I’m doing everything I can just to survive right now and I’m driving my life into the ground on the way. I’ve lost 20 lbs in the matter of weeks, I can’t sleep more than an hour or 2 at a time. I feel all my will to live fade more and more every day. I’m sitting in the cafeteria at work crying. I have no idea how I’ll make it through the rest of this night. I’m trying really hard to find help right now but I’m starting to lose grip. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to keep going. Please help me. Please don’t let me do this. Im so desperate right now.

    1. Kris I’m in. Meaning that I do feel that despair. You need to tell someone to get you somewhere for an assessment now. They might be able to administer a ketamine treatment to jump start your brain out of this defeatist cycle. Or ask someone now to drive you to the ER or mental health hospital to get an assessment. Relationship disruption can be that last straw that drives someone to end their life. The loss of sleep will weaken your resolve to live. And I hear that you Don want to go. This is not something you can do alone and I know you want to live for you and your kids. Your job today, your only job, is to make the move to tell someone to take you to the ER or somewhere to get that assessment. There is most likely a local number for crisis services in your area. Call them. Or look up “mental health crisis——“ Where you see dashes, put in your city and state. You need an assessment to figure out your risk snd you need help now. Please make that call or ask someone to make that call now. I am here. I will respond. You aren’t alone and I want to help you help yourself to live.

      1. I’m so miserable. I don’t understand what’s going through her mind. We’re closer than we’ve ever been but she keeps making it clear she doesn’t want to stay married. We have a couple good days then she hits me with “don’t read too much into it”. I’m so desperate for someone to not let me fall. But I feel like I’m losing grip. Every day gets harder and harder.

        1. That is so confusing for you. I can tell you have invested so much of your own heart which is why this is so hard. I hope you tell someone how you feel. But even if you don’t, come back here, write what you need to. I will answer. If the suicidal thoughts get bad, do the cold water trick above. Or the extreme exercise. It will keep you alive until you can work through all this. You can also visit your doctor and get an antidepressant to help you through this dark period. It’s not forever. It won’t fix it all but it will offer some help. Would you be willing to call your doctor? Please reply so I know you are still here.

    2. Dear Kris,
      I just finished reading your plea for help. I hear you loud and clear. I won’t go into my problems, but a drug was found after 26 years that helped me to accomplish much in my life. I would like to think that you will have similar results. I tried over 30 medications before a new one came out and made me feel so much better. Suicide was my middle name from age 14 until age 40. I am now 74 and still doing well. My doctor recently found a genetic link between my depression and the severe depression that both my parents had; it is called “missing the intrinsic factor” in my blood. Since I am not a biochemist (yet), I’m not sure how that works, but very large doses of prescribed vitamin B12 have made me feel even better than the new drug although I still take them together perhaps out of superstition. I can tell you that with me 5000 to 10000 units of B12 stopped my suicidal feelings. I would consult with your doctor first before doing what I was told to do, and I would start at 2500. But that is just me. When my blood was first examined for vitamin and mineral deficiencies (a special, not normally done test) the result showed an almost imperceptible deficiency of B vitamin, which show just how a small deficiency of a needed nutrient can ruin a person’s whole life. I don’t know if my experience can help you, but I would hat to see you do something rash when something could be just around the corner. I will be thinking good thoughts about you and I wish all good things for you and your partner.

  37. I think about suicide daily, I’m 28 and an alcoholic, I did rehab for 7 months and left England to Scotland, to start uni, I never dealt with my mums death or my abuse when I was a child and it’s apparent I never will, so I drink, which causes further problems, iv no friends no family and no hope.

    1. Jack-First of all, I hear you. Addiction is an awful disorder that makes people feel unworthy. Often people turn to a drug or alcohol to manage the immense and powerful feelings that happen as a result of loss and abuse. I’m so sorry you are struggling with the aftermath of both. I can tell you that you can start healing at any time in your life and it’s never too late. My brother is 55 and just went into recovery after decades of substance use disorder. But having said that I don’t want you to think I am dismissing your despair or making anything sound easy because I know it’s not. And finding the will to move forward with that healing process is something that has to come from within you. But I am here. I will answer. I will listen. I will reply. I can’t fix anything but I can listen and respond. I’m honored you posted here and allowed yourself to admit your feelings and take the time to comment.

      1. Anne I have read your posts and think you are an incredible women. Like your son Charles who I see this is the day he past away actually years ago I’m so very sorry ma’am god bless you. I also suffered from addiction and chronic depression. I was shooting heroin daily and constantly thinking about suicide . I am now 2 years clean after 8 years of daily heroin use. Trying to rebuild my life it’s so ever hard . Anyone out their suffering I have hope in your I really do!

        1. First, only a human as tuned in to others would see that the day you posted was the anniversary of my own son’s suicide. So thank you for noticing.

          I am now involved in nonprofits and on the board for organizations dedicated to helping those with addiction and mental illness. I have watched how hard it is. You have to be the strongest person in the world to have gotten where you are today. To have endured thoughts of suicide, substance use disorder, and found recovery. The thing is with those who are in recovery from SUD you have to learn coping strategies at a later age. That recovery part is still so much work. And while I can’t fix anything I can answer and I can offer you support and respond. Tell me what support you have in place currently? Groups, people, housing? I know all of that is so hard to find, harder during a pandemic. If you reply, I will answer. I am honored you posted here.

          1. Hello Anne, thank you for your response. Your welcome for noticing the day of your sons suicude. I sincerely hope Charles Rest In Peace I swear to god I do . I came across your page while looking up stuff about suicide again on google. Getting off heroin is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. Even 2 years clean I never feel right in the head. Constantly sad , depressed. Thinking about suicide and ways to harm myself constantly. Life is ever so hard , and never seems to give me a break . I do have a place to live and such only because of a relative. I really wish I could have a do over button for life. I pray for all my fellow addicts in so much pain. Using or recovered like myself , I pray god Helps you all . Anne I wish their was more people like you in this world talking to strangers to offer them support . I will pray god watches over a good person like you. I feel for anyone suffering from pain like me I really do.

            1. Thank you so much for saying that. And yes it is SO hard. And what’s more, it’s unfair you were dealt the gene that allowed your brain to become addicted. I am so impressed you’ve remained off the drug for two years. That’s amazing. REALLY amazing. Do you know how strong one has to be to do that? The first 18months-2 years is hell. You have to learn coping strategies, to manage a mental illness in many cases, relationships torn apart not to mention, job, food and housing–the basics.

              I suspect you may have been driven to use in the first place because of depression. You used to feel good–just to give yourself a break from the relenting despair of that condition. That’s how my son felt. So I’m just wondering if you are being treated for depression? Because it can be treated and you deserve that. But either way, I’m here to listen. Right now, I’m just impressed to be honest. I have seen how hard this is. I’m not sure I could do it. But you have.

              1. Hello Anne, you are correct as of next week I’m 2 years clean off heroin . The hardest part hasn’t been staying away from heroin it’s been the crippling depression which is why I used in the first place. I’m fortunate to have a relative who is financially helping me during my sad time in life. Without them I would be homeless and for sure have took my life by now ,not a question in my mind about that. I was a functioning addict with a gf, We both had jobs apartment everything even while using. Went to rehab got clean and now just feel lost , I lost my apartment over the last two years stuck under someone’s roof and so very miserable . Hard keeping steady employment, I’m so severely sad everyday ,not a normal sad , like please run me over and end my pain type of sad. Your poor son definitely felt my pain from what you described which is totally unfair , he and I both didn’t deserve this type of pain. I don’t have a soul anymore I feel .Their was a time I was being treated for depression and ocd ,anxiety , but got sick of taking ssris , Xanax, all the stuff the therapist gave me and turned to heroin . I smoke cannabis daily ,which is legal where I live to cope with it. I’m so very tired of the pain I feel, and never see a bright future for myself, while my own sisters flourish in life and they don’t care at all really, They live in a bubble . I really need to see that light one day. Thank you Anne again for listening . Always looked for websites online where someone actually just cares, you definitely do I can tell. Thanks Because it seems like no one I know in my life really even cares. I will say this, that heroin is one of the most evil things on our planet. Anyone reading this don’t ever try heroin please, it destroys your life and steals your soul. God bless u and god bless everyone that reads this I sincerely mean that.

                1. My brother would be homeless if it were not for me and my mom. He went into recovery this past November from alcohol and nearly died. So I have first hand experience with trying to help a loved one navigate the system. I think because you want it, to feel good it will happen again. It’s just that first step of figuring out how to get out from under the big black dog. And I do know that daily use of thc can eventually work the other way. Although everyone is different and I am not passing judgment because no one can define someone else’s recovery. As for your family they are unaware that you have genes they didn’t get and that it’s not just you that needs recovery, they do, too. So many families are like that. But someone has stuck their neck out for you. Someone thinks you can come back after this. Someone has faith in you and has given you a roof over your head. And I believe you have it in you given the hardship you have endured already. You just need one step forward. Maybe that’s finding a support group which by the way is where you’d find out the good doctors and not just pill pushers. Maybe it’s making a call to a warm line in your area to talk to someone who has been through this. We need compassionate people like you on this earth. And you are struggling with so many of the issues Charles did. But as much as I want you to get well I will answer even if you make no move right now to do so. An article I want to share based on what you posted about heroin. Because I feel the same way. And thanks for coming back, thanks for your trust in me and for being emotionally naked.

                  https://annemoss.com/2016/05/05/dear-heroin-f-ing-hate/

                  https://annemoss.com/2018/10/18/letter-from-depression/

                  https://annemoss.com/2016/05/05/dear-heroin-f-ing-hate/

                  1. Only a good person as yourself Anne would take in family when in need. Your brother and myself are very lucky. I personally have a friend I’ll call him bill. He is homeless sleeping on a street bench in my local area, and he tried cutting his own throat with a butchers knife years back, and very luckily survived. Because he was found in time. Bill has the worst scar I have ever seen on a human being in my life. I cried when I saw him sleeping homeless knowing the pain he has endured previously in his life. He is a childhood friend who was once one of my best friends back in high school .I realize life can be very very hard to some and not others. I have people in my own family who are considered wealthy in today’s world, and absolutely don’t care if I even exist, they wouldn’t help me and don’t even seem to care I’m alive. The wealth has got to their heads and I’m ashamed to call them fake people family, blood or not. Too me blood means nothing anymore.Cannabis has been my savior and I’m a huge advocate, it personally helps me tremendously. Thank you for calling me compassionate Anne, I highly appreciate it. I wish getting well was that simple, but I’m unfortunately dealing with actual very painful physical pain as well which I’m not really trying to discuss in top of mental. Going into debt spent all the money I had saved on doctor bills and am just so depressed.I never catch a break it seems. I will of course read the articles , I enjoy knowing someone out their who will never know my real name or see my face just actually has a heart and cares to listen. We need more people like you as well, a kind hearted woman who helps others . I hope you have a very good night. And thank you for all that you do and caring. Your such a dear sweet lady . Sincerely John Doe your friend .

                    1. Sometimes people want to talk to a compassionate stranger more that others who know too much of your history, hold it against you and then duct tape you in that past making it hard for a person trying to heal to move forward. All that judgement. However for me when I was in emotional turmoil it helped if I lost the assumptions and just listed and looked at the facts only (removing assumptions) which helped me see things (eventually) from another viewpoint. I actually ended up learning new things about my friends I didn’t know—struggles they had that they didn’t want to share because they thought them petty compared with the loss of my son. And I felt like my mom just thought I should be over the loss when in fact she had no. Idea what to do and had lots of questions that I would have been mad about if I had not decided to allow her any questions and my honest answers being payouts understand that she doesn’t know because she is not in my shoes and I hope she never is.

                      But what I know what hurts is the lack of support from those who are supposed to be family. And I have to wonder do they even know how much just a lunch invitation would mean. So I am going to bet they have a lot of myths in their heads and for the most part lack the education to know the right thing to do. Because instinctively you do know. You have that gift. And it’s very hard for you to understand that others just don’t. So for example if there is a person on the sidewalk sitting on a wall and crying so many would be lost on what to do and end up walking by. But I am going to bet you wouldn’t hesitate to sit next to this person, be patient and just say that you are willing to listen. People who have endured great pain have enormous gifts. It might take you a few years of perspective to see that gift and it’s impact. So that is what you can use to take one step at a time. One of those steps was talking to me who gets as much emo healing out of this conversation as I hope you do. Because human connection, even with a stranger, is important and worthwhile. I appreciate your coming back and commenting. This thread, more than the hundreds of studies I have read, has been the greatest teacher regarding suicide. Thank you John Doe.

                  2. Hello Anne , I hope you are well. I sincerely need your opinion on something. I’ve started developing panic attack’s lately on top my depression that ever so ruins me and don’t know what to do. Their was a time I saw someone in my local area many years ago for ssris and Benzos, but I saw the reviews and that place has gone down hill terribly 1 out of 5 stars from everyone lately no jokes. My insurance isn’t good, but I do have some state insurance crap. And my savings are almost gone I’m literally grasping at straws . My anxiety has caused me to not want to be around people anymore, my quality of life is gone. Just purely existing at this point. I know we talked last month, I really need your opinion not doing well. I’m not working at the moment and can barely function as a human being. You know my story so this isn’t new to you. But what would you do at this point. My family support is minimal at best. I feel like I should be getting ssi disability for mental disability, but I don’t know where to start or what to due? Having hard time functioning in this world and feel like I’m never going to feel normal again. I kicked heroin cold turkey and beat the devil himself, getting over the physical shit two years ago was hard but it’s possible to accomplish without suboxone or methadone I personally did it. but my mental is so far gone. I’m hurting a lot, and I have actual some physical things going on as well. Life is so painful. I have been trying chamomile tea , niacin, St. John’s wort. Natural remedies, I’m scared to go on Xanax ever again due to dependence and Benzos cause horrible withdrawal. My own buddy just got on them and I’m warning him that it can lead to horrible addiction , his anxiety has got terrible as well. . And my own past struggles with addiction reminds me of the horrors of being addicted to something . I would really love your opinion ever so much. Anyone reading this hurting I’m so sorry for your pain as well . I will pray for you.

                    1. Can I just say you are such an amazing and resilient person. Seriously. To manage all this so far and still be here. And the whole withdrawal with no medical support. I also like that you are recognizing that benzos can get you into more trouble. They also don’t teach you how to manage panic attacks.

                      So panic attacks. Here’s what we did with Charles and the two times I had a panic attack, what I did. When I feel the initial sensations which I recognized right away, before it escalated, I stopped what I was doing, closed my eyes and started deep belly breathing. I imagined the color blue on my in breath and I slowly inhaled and the color red on my out breath which was even slower (count 4 seconds in and 6 seconds out). Since I was driving, I didn’t do the closing eyes part but I did start the breathing and pulled over and stopped the car before doing the rest. But I have just done the breathing alone. I practice it daily so that I have it at my disposal at any time. So this page should help you choose a technique that works for you and give you an overview of breathing techniques. https://annemoss.com/2019/01/18/breathing-strategies-to-quiet-anxiety-or-manage-grief/
                      This isn’t just kumbaya crap but it actually physically engages the calming part of your central nervous system so your panic attack cannot escalate.

                      The other time was in the ER when I panicked over an asthma attack which made it worse. They gave me a paper bag and said to breathe into that. Again, I thought it was mumbo jumbo but it worked. That also worked well for Charles when he was young as teaching him how to do deep breathing as a youngster took a while. A paper bag he could understand. Both of those are free strategies and honestly the most effective and the fastest. So anything you can find online about breathing strategies to manage panic. The key is to identify those initial feelings. Mine are an increase in heart rate, hot flashes and dry mouth. I IMMEDIATELY start the deep breathing and it de-escalates as long as I stick with it. I usually am talking to myself, too. I tell myself, “you are alive. you are breathing. take this pause for you so you can make an informed decision.” Or I imagine clouds because that image is calming to me.

                      So lastly, I would suggest joining a group. NAMI, National Alliance of Mental Illness has a peer to peer group and there are warm lines. So here is a group in your area. It is on zoom and you can start off with your camera off and explain to the group that you are working towards turning it on and you can use the chat until you work yourself up to being able to be there out loud. The group will understand. But this group can help you find the free resources locally to support you with medication and such. Because all of them are managing mental conditions of some kind from bipolar and schizoaffective disorder to SUD and ADHD.
                      Group: https://naminorthernillinois.org/nami-connection/

                      Warm Line in Illinois:
                      This isn’t a suicide hotline but a peer-to-peer sort of phone support that helps so much. So you call and talk to someone who has been where you are at some point. They will also know usually of where to find support and such.
                      (866) 359-7953
                      Hours: Monday – Saturday from 8 am to 8 pm (Central)
                      (Available to Illinois Callers only – Does not take calls from out of state callers)

                      I hope that helps. And I absolutely know you have the skills to do these things given your history and your level of resilience which is nothing short of incredible. So before you try these, take a moment to think how hard it was to get through withdrawal on your own. You did that. You can freaking do anything! You can do deep breathing. You can join a group and take your time putting your big toe in first and then your whole self. Thank you for coming back. It’s so good to hear from you.

    2. Me too I’m in the same position all I feel is pain, hopelessness, despair, no love, peace, joy, nothing.
      My heart hurts, my lungs hurt, my body aches.
      My body longs for a better time my brain is done with me. My body is fighting me back.

      1. That description really helps me to understand and feel your depth of despair and the depth of despair for many suffering these thoughts. Thank you for the honor of sharing that on this site. And I am not surprised that you struggle with that up and down of wanting to live and not wanting to live at the same time. But I do think if there are doubts, which you did mention having, it means you tell someone because part of you does have doubts. And this is a final decision. Is there someone you trust who. You could talk to? And while I can’t fix anything I can listen. And I will answer.

    3. There is always hope Jack. You need to go back into rehab, and then see a good counselor that deals with abuse. You may not know me, but I am your friend when I tell you that alcohol or street drugs are not your friend. Your mother’s death is important to me because I lost my mother too and never got over it. Now I lost my wife in this Covid thing and I am suffering again. I did get help however and I am still here hoping for a better life. I was a suicide jockey from age fourteen to age 40. I found medication after 26 years that worked. Later I found that I was missing vitamin B12 from my bloodstream and it coupled with my rearing history was the source of my suicidal feelings. Look, Jack, I feel terribly for what you are going through. You probably have more pain than I can ever imagine with the alcohol problem. It is important to know that the alcohol is destroying all of your B vitamins by its chemical action. You need those vitamins to think clearly about your situation. I care about you and I want you to understand that only constructive, help seeking action is going to make your life better. I have worked with brain science for many years, and I know from personal experience that the science to make you feel better and have a good life is out there. You may have to experiment with several medicines and some long term therapy, but don’t write off your precious life. If you get the right help now, your life will get better. Mine did, and I thought it never would. Make up your mind, and you will get better. I hope that God will bless you, and I wish all good thing for you.

  38. I have wanted to die since I can remember. Imagine a young 8 or 9 year old boy wishing he was dead so maybe someone would care. I never have lost those feelings. I have beautiful kids and love them so much. I have been kicked out of our home by their mom countless times were stubborn ppl but I always feel like I cant handle how much it hurts. I feel consumed by thoughts of killing myself. My babies saved me when my mom passed away. When she died I felt alone. My kids mom went to Florida with a friend to have fun and go out alot. That hurt and put insecurities in my mind. I would always have my moms support even if she disagreed she never made me feel worse. I miss her everyday. It doesn’t get any easier. I dont understand how others can just go on through breakups or loss like its no big deal. It confuses me and makes me hate myself for being so weak mentally. I’m very scared to die and basically not have existed my mind dies with me and all existence in my mind dies with it. It scares me. But still I just want to stop hurting and feeling this way. Tonight I am going to try to kill myself. I’ve gotten to this point before but only felt it out. I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow and worry about life and its uncertainties and the pain that joins those thoughts. So tonight dying is my only way to escape life’s struggles. The pain in my heart and head.

    1. mj- I’m so sorry you’ve suffered like this. Since 8 years old is a long time. And please don’t feel weak. You were simply born with sensitivities where you feel things more deeply. I’m so sorry about your mom. And what you’ve said speaks volumes of your love for her. Since you mentioned your kids, and if you get this in time, tell me about them, their ages, what they are like. And I will answer if you reply. I hope you do.

    2. ttired feelings solonly the drugs itake arent workingng nomore iam scard for my mother cus she cus she gave me life line
      andq my freaind bambii doesnt care about me i hurt she makes me feel the wurst icry bye selfl in the washroom know wons howbad i fieel i feeli want to dothis tonighti somethingt gonna happen
      tonight.

      1. Trevor. So are you taking prescribed medication or are you talking about recreational drugs? And Bambi is your girlfriend? I’m so sorry things are so bad for you right now. If you answer I will reply.

    3. Dear MJ, I hope you are still here. I have felt like you; it is confusing, and it does hurt so very badly. I fully understand from my own experience that you are frightened and that you don’t want to confront what seems like a very high wall of pain coming at you. Let me tell you my friend, you are not alone. I have been there. It’s not pretty. You are not weak; you are just terribly sad and confused. I know how that feels. I care about you, and I’ll bet that your kids care about you too. My mom was suicidal, and had she been successful (I stopped her) it would have devastated my entire life. And just to let you know, you should be afraid of taking your own life; that is a job for doctors when a person is going to die from a horrendous and painful disease, and there is absolutely no other option. I have been in hospitals where the family of a suicidal patient has to endure the death of their loved one, and it truly is devastating. As someone who has worked in the suicide prevention field, I can tell you that research has shown that the act of suicide is internal unresolved anger turned inwards. That is the definition of what suicide is all about. Now wouldn’t it be unreasonable to harm yourself for something you didn’t do? Look, MJ, life is full of uncertainty. My wife of 34 years just died of this Covid virus thing. Who knew? But you have to go on. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. It is horrible! People who seem like it doesn’t bother them are living in denial, because they need to survive. The need is built into us for a reason.. We are meant to go on as a species. I pray to God whether He is a personal one or if He is the universe itself that you will see a counselor or clergy person, who will help you see that you are loved. Someone out here does care about you. That person is me, and while sometimes your kids are wrapped up in their own uncertain lives, they still love you, and would miss you terribly, because your kids always need you. Be well my friend. The angels are all around you; like me, they want you to live.

  39. I’m in a horrible place with my boyfriend. I’ve had huge arguments with my family. I’m not on speaking terms with my sister. My friends openly confronted me about how my mental illness was a burden to them. I have no one to talk to, I’m scared to call a crisis line because they might call 9-1-1 to my house. I want to cut my throat and jump off a bridge or hang myself. No one knows the real me and how I feel. My therapist is no help, he guilt trips me for feeling suicidal and tells me it’s selfish. I get it, I’m a horrible person. My existence is a burden. I don’t have a support system. I’ve tried to get help in so many ways. It’s not working. I’m done trying to be happy. I’m invisible to everyone around me anyways. My existence doesn’t matter. Everyone is better off if I’m dead.

    1. Momo. I feel the despair in your story. First your therapist is so wrong to shame you for being suicidal. Such a breach of a professional oath. I am so sorry you have not been able to depend on help you pay for. And you mentioned a mental illness. That is often makes people more vulnerable to suicide. I think you family does care they simply are craving stability and I am going to bet you are too. If you are in the US or Canada, reach out to the crisis text line at 741-741. I am so sorry you are feeling as you do. I can’t fix anything but I can listen and respond so know that I will do that.

          1. I’m back :/ I feel like such a burden. I know my bf is just setting emotional boundaries but he seems to push me away every time i need support when i’m feeling sad or suicidal – i can’t go to him anymore i just feel like such a burden and he’s my best friend if he doesn’t want to support me and if i’m too much for him then what am i supposed to do?

            1. I am so sorry you are getting that response. And you are right that he’s not the right person to tell. I am so impressed that you did. So I know you can do this. First, I want to explain his reaction. To you it might look as if he doesn’t care. That’s not true. It’s simply that he’s is scared and doesn’t know what to do so basically he freezes and pushes you away hoping he feeling will go away. He doesn’t think he is at risk of really losing you.

              I know better. You are at serious risk of dying. I don’t know your age and if you are in school. If so, tell a school counselor or teacher. Other thoughts are a school nurse, school counselor, teacher, Coach, minister (faith leader), parent, parent of a friend. I have a link at the end on how to choose someone to tell. The crisis text line for USA and Canada is 741-741 and you can ask them for local resources. We will find a way to get you some help. You deserve it. The link I promised. I am here. You know I will answer. https://annemoss.com/2020/02/26/how-to-tell-someone-i-want-to-kill-myself/

              1. Thank you. You said he doesn’t think he’s really at risk of losing me and I agree, that’s why I feel like he’s not taking my suicidal thoughts seriously – is there something I should do about that?

                1. Later. For now, your only job is to stay alive and that means telling someone who DOES take it seriously. I would have that conversation with the bf later. Please get help first. I’m concerned about helping you save your own life first and so I’m focused on who is that trusted adult or resource who will get you in for an suicide assessment and help you with a safety plan.

                  1. I don’t want to worry my parents, I already have a therapist and I texted the crisis line but they have a max 45min quota and it takes them forever to reply so I end up feeling worse

                    1. Wow. I had no idea the crisis line was so crowded. There is also a facebook link but I bet that has a wait, too. Thank you for letting me know. But I’m here. Who can you tell? It doesn’t have to be your parents. So can you tell a teacher? What about telling your therapist?

                    2. it won’t let me reply further down but my therapist is useless he just guilts me out of attempting and i just have to pretend i’m okay during sessions. i got into another fight w my boyfriend i need the courage to break up with him but i don’t have it because i still love him i just wish he still loved me :/ he really makes me feel like my mental health is such a burden though

                    3. Momo- You can just start a new comment thread. I’m impressed you’ve realized some of the issues that are triggering your ideation. That shows a lot of self awareness. Relationship disruption like that which is going on with your boyfriend is a trigger. Most of all, I’m really pissed your therapist is taking the “shame you out of suicide” approach which is woefully outdated and ineffective. Like back in 1990 they did that and it’s proven to be a poor strategy. Because guess what they found out? That patients were covering up their thoughts because the therapist would make them feel guilty. How does that help? And it didn’t prevent suicide either.

                      Would you be willing to work on a safety plan with me? We can sort of go an old-fashioned route with this resource https://annemoss.com/wp-content/uploads/suicide-safety-plan-drtracymarks.pdf and then I can suggest some apps that would help. One is My3. And another called Suicide Safety Plan. So you can take the info we create and put it in your app.I am so sorry you are not getting the support you deserve despite making quite an effort.

                    4. OK. Go to the top and start a new comment. And we are going to do one at a time. Then once we are done, I’ll fill in the sheet and you have a safety plan. It basically is personalized to you. Your triggers, your coping mechanisms, emergency contacts and coping skills.
                      Our first question is:
                      IDENTIFY WARNING SIGNS
                      What are your thoughts and behaviors?

                      So here you want to identify those triggers that make you feel lousy that end up making you feel suicidal. For example,do you feel suicidal when you have an argument with your parent or boyfriend? Is it when there is a change like going back to school or some other change? Your menstrual cycle? At night when you are alone and certain thoughts lead to dark thoughts? Stuff like that.

                      So start a new comment at the top and try your best to answer that one question. I feel so confident you can manage this because you are capable and you want to.

    2. Momo, you are not invisible to me. You can know that if you are having mental health problems you are in the company of millions of other good people, some of whom are very, very famous. Some of those people were artists, doctors, scientists, and professors who made fabulous contributions to this world. Mental illness strikes every kind of person in every socioeconomic bracket….Howard Hughes, case in point. You are in good company, and I’m betting that you are a good person who feels deeply about things. I used to work for a crisis line and I would not call 911 unless I felt that you were in imminent danger, and why would I do that? I would do it because I did not want to see you die, because I know that life is precious and that your life is precious. When we are all hung up with our problems and can’t see any way out, it is natural to want to escape any way we can. I don’t think you are selfish. I KNOW that you are hurting deeply. Perhaps you could use a new therapist. And as for your friends, it is to be expected that untrained people will not know how to respond to you. They just don’t know what to do; they are confused and it frightens them. That proves that you are not invisible. Invisible people cannot frighten their friends. They are not bad people; they are just uninformed people, scared people, people who have problems of their own. When you are feeling bad, you need to share that with someone. Not everyone on the line will be the right person; so call back about 4 hours later to get a new person. Usually the shifts are 4 hours so the counselors don’t get burn out. It is important to be fresh when you’re trying to help someone. You also need to have a sympathetic counselor who will guide you into wanting to be here. You need a person who will show you all the reasons that you should be here. I believe that everyone has a reason for being here in the grand scheme of existence. We very often don’t know what that is until very late in our lives. It would be wise to not try to defeat that purpose. Family members, not unlike you friends, are also bewildered by your problems, which incidentally, could be caused by a biochemical imbalance. I would contact a good female physician and ask her for a full work up including, and especially, the levels of vitamins, minerals, or toxic substances that could be contributing to your symptoms. Women, in my experience, seem more willing to accommodate you in that regard. Perhaps she can recommend a nice therapist. Just so ya know people who are not trained, don’t like to hear about yer problems; so keep it light with your friends, family, and boy friend. Let them know that you are working on yourself and that you would appreciate their understanding. No good person is going to fault you for being honest, and if someone does, minimize your contact with them. Try to avoid confrontation and arguments whenever possible, because these people don’t get it, and trying to make them get it is futile. I hope you heard me on this, because I know. Untrained people, sadly but true, don’t know what to tell you; so they say what they think is right. But usually it is wrong. Your existence is not a burden to anyone, except those who want to assist in making it a burden. Your existence does matter in many ways that you are still not aware of yet. How you feel, your sadness, matters to me, right now. A good counselor can help you. One last thing if you’re still not cool with calling for help. If you did get a 911 visit, it wouldn’t hurt a thing. Assuming you were not psychotic and having a major break with reality, you would get a free ride to the local ER and be released when they were sure you were stable. You do need to be honest with them. My recommendation: do it the easy way with a medical doctor and her recommended therapist, and avoid the red lights and siren. I hear you and I care about you. Your life is important to me, and while you may not see it now while things seem bad, there is great hope for you.

  40. Thanks for writing this I’m sure it has all been so hard on you. Thank you for answering comments.
    I’m 22 years old and made it as far as I have on a fluke, aka lots of unsuccessful attempts. I’m in college nearly done but I never liked what I studied and now I’m struggling to get employed in this field. I took on a different job to try to feel less useless but on the first night (tonight) I failed miserably since I have scoliosis and after a few hours felt like I was going to get sick and faint, I did get sick at home. I just can’t do anything right and I should probably quit the job since I’m a liability but I’m scared to and scared of what they’ll think, things like what I think about myself. I’m just so tired of it all and it won’t get better and I’ll never enjoy life. I would love to just die peacefully but few methods are foolproof and I’m dumb and scared of pain or surviving and having to live in an even more messed up body. Honestly I’d love for someone to kill me or give me what I needed to myself. I’m always and will always be alone or end up alone. I’m just so tired but I always wake up to the same depression. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Honestly I want someone to say it’s okay, that I can die, and help me leave.

    1. I read all of it. Between the lines I read that you want to die but also are afraid to die because it might hurt or you might disable yourself. Which, to be honest, can and does happen. And all that chatter in your brain is just making you tired and angry with yourself. I think it’s remarkable you got any job in this market. Not many have especially those right out of college. And failure is part of success. There’s no way you’d learn if you didn’t have any. See if there is a trustworthy adult from whom you can get some guidance and advice. I am so sorry that everything is such a struggle. I am can’t help but be impressed how much you have achieved with a disability.

      Your self hatred is so in line with those who live with depression. So I have to ask if you take medication. That can help. And I hurt that you hurt so much.

      The amazing part is you are still here. I actually think that means something. I know what I think it means. But what do you think that means? Thank you for leaving a comment. If you reply I will answer.

      1. It’s not an impressive job, anyone could have gotten it and honestly anyone could do better at it than me. It’s not related to my major since no internships would hire me.
        I don’t take any medication since I’m afraid I’d overdose if given it. And I can’t be open about how I feel either.
        What I think it means that I’m still here is that I was too dumb in high-school to properly kill myself. So ideally I shouldn’t be here and I still don’t want to be.
        Thanks for answering, I don’t think I really deserve to be talked to.

        1. So I’m going to be bold and tell you what I hear. Your self-hatred is really the biggest barrier to your finding any joy or seeing your own potential. And that is something you can actually control if you take the right steps. And you can’t do it alone. Most things we do as humans that are effective are not done without support. I healed from loss with support. While it still hurts, I am able to find joy and carry forward my son’s legacy of letting other people know that they matter. He would sit with you and let you know you did matter, not by saying it but just by being there. I would not have answered if I felt you were not worthy. But I can’t “talk you into” that. All I can do is listen and respond and let you know you have been heard and let you know what I’m hearing in an honest and forthright manner. I think it’s worth the chance to get medication. Yeah, you could abuse it. But at this point, I think you need it to get that glimmer of hope in the darkness that will propel you forward out of your cycle of self-hatred. I think you posted here because some part of you wants to find that happiness, a sense of worthiness. I actually think that something is happening here, that you want out of this but are ambivalent enough about dying that you might take that first tiny step and tell one trusted adult how you feel. I mean you are thinking about killing yourself here? How on earth could that be worse? And if you do think of all the worst scenarios of doing such, write them all down. But then you also have to write down potentially good things that happen if you do. You can’t think all bad without thinking of all good, too. So to recap. Can you think of a trusted adult to tell? And write down all the things you fear in doing so and then all the things that could happen that would be good if you did. You can do that here and I will help. Thank you for responding. I really am honored you did. I’m honored you posted here and trust me.

          1. Hi Anne Moss Rogers,
            I have read your comments and think that you are doing a fine job in helping other people get to a good place. I admire you for it and I regret the pain and suffering that you have sustained in your own life. I am deeply sorry for your loss. There is probably no loss deeper than the loss of someone that you brought into this world. I have recently lost a wife of 34 years, and I too know a little about pain. I thank you for all your good work……adding to the goodness in these stressful times. All my best, John

            1. I have been doing this for years now. By myself. And you have gone through here and connected with others in such an empathetic way. Thank you. I am so sorry you lost your wife, your partner in life, your beat friend. It has to be soul crushing and rearranges what you think your life was supposed to be. You took the time to give back. And I’m so grateful for that. Thank you. If you reply I will definitely answer I am listening and I paid a lot of attention to your responses to others and their pain.

  41. I’m so sorry about your son. I am an alcoholic that just can’t kick the habbit. I have a daughter and two grandchildren that mean more to me than anything in this world. I just can’t quit drinking. I’ve tried so many times and I always fall back. I don’t want them to see me suffer as I have taken care of a dying person and don’t want them to go through that. I know it’s hard to believe if I love them why would I contemplate suicide but it is what it is. It’s a disease that has taken my life from me. I love them so much but it would be better for them if I was gone early rather than later when they really know me. I’m sorry. I know I need help but I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening

    1. That has to be so daunting to try so often and end up back in addiction. It really is a terrible disease and that’s the part that’s so hard for both the sufferer and the family. My son also felt terrible guilt over his disease. I never knew until after he died.
      He wrote
      “My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
      I wear the face of a clown,
      I feel so unloved, because of the monster created from drugs.”

      My heart was so crushed. How could I have missed pain so monumental? Love so deep and self hatred so embedded? I have forgiven myself understanding I cannot control another human only how I react to it.

      There were more hopeful lyrics too. But the ones he wrote in deep despair of drug addiction were so telling. He makes it so personal in some of his songs I almost feel like I understand. But I know I can only understand as much as someone can from the outside. So I want you to know that my post here isn’t to judge. But I can respond and let you know you’ve been heard and that you’ve touched a place in my heart that I can’t quite describe. Maybe one day I will be able to.

      So since you mentioned your daughter and grandchildren. Tell me about them. One of them. I hope you are still here so you can tell me.

  42. I’m a 16 year old teenage girl who struggles with depression, anxiety, ptsd and suicidal ideation. Sometimes things get too hard and at this point I doubt they will ever get better so I want to hang myself. I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this but nothing seems to be in my control. I’m so lost. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t want to talk to my parents about this because they are religious and they would be really upset and disappointed with me so I just act happy when I’m around them. I had a boyfriend but he broke up with me 3 months ago, I still miss him a lot because he was the only person who actually gave a fuck about me. I don’t know what to do, I just feel like I’m getting lost in an endless void 🙁

    1. Mia- I’m so sorry you are struggling with such a huge issue all by yourself. But you are no longer by yourself. I am here and will listen and answer. So here’s what I focused in on in your comment above, “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this but nothing seems to be in my control.” There is so much power in that sentence you wrote. So much wisdom. That right there lets me know that you have not only the will to live but the strength to make your way out of the darkness. That is a HUGE first step. And you told someone, me. I’m honored you did so and that you trust me. So thank you.

      What we are going to focus on is how to keep you safe from suicide and the first step is to tell someone. I mean if you were having a heart attack you’d need medical intervention, right? Mental health is no different.

      I agree that your parents are not the right people to tell. They are not always because of the reasons you stated. While they will be informed or brought in later, we don’t need to start there. It’s always different hearing it from another adult who knows what they are doing and explains it to your parents. So who do you choose?

      The best choice is a school counselor. Another thought is a teacher, a minister, a coach, a principal, another relative. Or you can tell a close friend and go tell a trusted adult together. So write down some possibilities. What you need is a suicide assessment and then a treatment plan from there. It feels hopeless now and that’s the depression lying to you. So is there a trusted adult, other than your parents, whom you could tell? And I will help you work through this OK? This is very important. You are important.

    2. You sound like a wonderful 16 year old girl. I was immediately impressed with your skill in communicating your feelings. I hear you when you say you don’t want to die, and I also hear you when you say you are experiencing deep pain and are thinking about it to avoid the pain. It’s a terrible Catch 22 problem. I am a parent of 3 adopted daughters who came from very unpleasant homes. Parents, religious or not, signed up for both the good and the bad. Your acting all Yogi Bear and Boo Boo with them is depriving them of doing what a parent is meant to do, ie support their child in times of crisis. Love, laughter, AND disappointment are all part of a parent’s life. Disappointment? So what! Your life is precious, far more precious than any disappointment that you might fear. I hear you questioning your parents’ love and understanding for you. A religious person understands pain and suffering and wants to help, not condemn. Jesus suffered terribly in His life. I think that having raised such a nice and courageous young lady, they can handle it. It is not good for you to destroy your insides by bottling up your emotions. I think you should tell your parents exactly how you feel. I am a trained counselor and I tell it like it is. I think that your parents will accept your feelings and want to help you. Sometimes parents don’t know how to deal with problems; that is not an indictment of their love. Your pain is what doctors and therapists are for. You sound like a fine young woman, and you should talk with your family physician at the very least, and get a recommendation for a good counselor or even a clergy member trained with working with youth problems. As counselor, I think I would be interested in knowing where the PTSD is coming from and why you are feeling such anxiety. You may have to work on getting in touch with those feelings, but you sound very capable. If you were my daughter I would be very proud of you for being so brave and trusting me. I hope you can get past the boyfriend problem. If I remember correctly things like that were very important to me, and having a person my own age to listen was a big frigging deal. Maybe it will patch up, or maybe it won’t, but if you are cool as I think you are, I think you will have another boyfriend very soon. I wish for you all good things, and I know things will get better with time. They did for me. Just hang in there girl; you’re smart and you’re strong.

  43. Male 44 years old.
    This past year, the virus and subsequent lockdowns have devistated me. Starting with the loosing of my job then my house then my youngest daughter, my best and only friend comes to me with I’m gay, then it’s no I’m trans. Of course I said all the wrong things. I was living in a tent on a river I left in my Jeep to go get some supplies with my dog he was a puppy really he got excited and tried to climb in my lap when I tried to get him off he jumped down on the gas pedal. We rolled five times down a cliff, he died i didn’t. I meet this woman she seems perfect we date promises are made but during the dating process I learn a close male figure in my life, a pastor/mentor really, that I hadn’t spoken to in years has died, and now I’m learning that on top of a meth problem my girlfriend has a gambling problem too. I live in a little beat up trailer on a trap house property I’m clean but not sober drinking like a fish none of my family will talk to me especially my daughter I don’t even have a vehicle to go look for work. The noose is tied I just have to stick my neck in it.

    1. Damn Jason you have had such pain in the past few months. My heart breaks to hear what you are going through. Of course you feel despair. How long have you struggled with gender identity? I am here. I will answer. Please reply. I am very concerned about you.

      1. Im sorry cor your loss I teied to hang myself last night bit my frienf pulled in just as I was about to pasd out so I stop i really think that there is no point in doing this anymore life is horrible it would be easier on everyone if I wasnt around

        1. Louis- are you still feeling as badly today? It sounds like you were very close to ending your life but you did not becauwe a friend interupted. I’m concerned so let me know how you are today. I will reply.

  44. I’m 22 and I’ve struggled with depression since I was about 12. I keep telling myself thing will get better but it only get worse between threat of eviction due to money worries and abuse I’m struggling to cope. Been with my partner for 6, nearly 7 years. I love him but he is abusing me. He’s hitting me and he puts me down a lot he calls me things like “mongo” “stupid” “bitch” I get told I’m useless and worthless, He doesn’t hit me really bad just a slap or a punch every now and then when we argue. I’m beginning to realise it’s not normal. I get screamed at if a pair of trousers aren’t washed, if he can’t find something or basically if something he wants isn’t done. I’m struggling to keep going. We do both smoke weed daily and if he goes with out his anger gets worse. I love this man, but I can’t take it anymore I’m thinking about suicide nearly everyday. If I tell him I am feeling suicidal he tells me to stop attention seeking or just do it. I’m trying to stay strong for my mum. I just don’t know if I can keep going like this I just want out. I’ve neverspoke anyone about it before.

    1. First of all, I am so honored you posted your story here. Thank you for your trust. You are in a difficult situation that is emotionally devastating. My heart hurts for you and I understand your feelings of despair.

      What I noticed is that you recognize what this person is doing to you is not “normal.” And you know that you do not deserve this. Given that comment I know there is reluctance to take the difficult steps to get out of your situation. But your mind is working on them and while suicide is one option it is just one and there are often many options to a problem. So I am sensing that at your core, despite how hard this person has tried to erode your self worth, deep down you know you are worthy of someone who loves and treats you well. I believe that, too. And I hope you can communicate with someone you trust to help you find your way out of that house and that toxic relationship. I want you to know that I will answer you and listen.

  45. I am so sorry about your son. You have done such an admirable thing by trying to reach out to help those who might be in a similar emotional position to that which he was in. Thank you for doing this.

    I have been struggling for a long time now – I am quite a bit older than your son was (I am 29) and I find it sad to see people so young believing that they have no meaning, no potential, no light in the world (when they do have it, but they’re blinded by the darkness of depression). I don’t know how much longer I can go on; I am single (significant breakup last year) unhappy and unfulfilled in my job which I am not much good at. I am a dark cloud on my family and remaining friends and I do not feel I have many close connections anymore. I know they would suffer if I decided to go, and I don’t want to inflict that upon them, but I suffer so much every day. I feel so lonely.

    I am trying to make things better; I have been having therapy since last August, but it is hard to see how my situation/life will improve. I think that suicide is always a tragedy, particularly with those who are young, like your son was, and I feel so much sympathy for the families of those who are left behind. However, do you not think that as people get older, it becomes more and more justified? The chance for things to improve and change decreases more and more as one ages, and though it is possible one could still do great things, and achieve satisfaction, joy and peace, it becomes statistically less probable as we age – if this is true (and I believe it is) then for those of us struggling to find meaning, joy and connection, suicide becomes increasingly reasonable and rational as a decision (though at no point does it stop being a tragedy).

    Nevertheless, thank you for reaching out to younger people who are struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. You are doing such a valuable thing in this world, and the world is lucky to have someone who is doing so much good, despite immense emotional difficulty. Thank you.

    1. Pete, I talk to people of all ages. The oldest that I know was 83 and the youngest that I know, 8. You ask some tough questions. And here, we don’t judge. So you asked, “However, do you not think that as people get older, it becomes more and more justified? The chance for things to improve and change decreases more and more as one ages, and though it is possible one could still do great things, and achieve satisfaction, joy and peace, it becomes statistically less probable as we age.”

      I don’t ever think it’s statistically less probable. But that doesn’t mean the feelings don’t wear you down.

      Here’s what I’ve found. There is a lady named Debbie who posted on this site for years. She struggled so much. I never gave up hope but it looked unlikely she would survive. She now comes back about every six months and gives me an update. She did attempt and for a while, after she still struggled but her will to live returned. Then got better although it was not fast. But when she comes back, she states she is glad she lived. I didn’t “save” her. She saved herself. All I did is listen and respond and let her know I cared. I get that it beats you down and it’s hard to keep fighting. And my intention of doing the video really wasn’t to “guilt” those struggling although to some they see it that way. I don’t even know now if the video is the right message but it was one from my heart so I’ve left it. I cried the whole time I was making it.

      I can’t help but want you to live so you can rekindle and find joy in your life again. Because I have seen it happen over and over and over. Why wouldn’t that success story be you? Why wouldn’t your story someday serve as someone else’s survival guide? So we really don’t know that it WON’T be you who does improve. With every “Why me”” that pings in my head, I have to counter with “Why not me?” I respect your opinion and read and reread your thoughts. I understand and appreciate your points and I have to say you must be one freaking strong human being to have endured as you have. So I don’t know the answers. But I do know that we need people like you in this world. I feel you are the glue that will keep us together as humans.

  46. Pretty annoyed that this came up as a result on Google. There is such a thing as rational suicide and some of us do not want to be forced into living a life of constant pain to alleviate others’ guilt: their grace in allowing us a peaceful death would be much less selfish. Instead we have to choose between living in constant pain or taking the risk and indignity of using brutal unpredictable methods as well as the possibility of surviving a suicide with an even worse physical or mental disability.

    1. Thank you for speaking your truth, Sylvia. I think there are a number of those who struggle who feel as you do. And some who really want to tell and get help. In a book I just wrote for the education market with a researcher, she suggested we remove the “irrational” qualifier as part of the explanation for just the reasons you explained. I appreciate your commenting.

        1. No shit. Like I need extra guilt right now. Shame on you – using your son as some kinda cross to carry for attention. Even the tag you used shows your character. Shameful. How about supporting right to die so people don’t need to die alone. You damned well had chance to know if son was in pain- you hose to ignore. Now you post videos and public speak to get ur attention. Big surprise. So many people like you it turns my stomach

          1. I also don’t think it is fair to criticise Anne for her attempts to make a difference, her intentions are good and if they help one person then her efforts are worth it.

    2. Sylvia, I agree with you. I have been living in mental anguish 24×7 for over 2 years. I am so tired of meds, and trivial therapy efforts. Without going into details of my situation, I simply want to exit, peacefully. I have tried to exit dozens of times in the last 2 years, but can’t. The methods are so brutal, and the risk of surviving so scary. Those who want us to live, are well intentioned, but they don’t understand how much suffering they perpetuate by not understanding us. I, like you, just want to exit. We’re not interested in going on. I am certainly not. I’m not going to magically get better, and I don’t want to work at trying to get better. I am a mature adult, and I just want the dignity and compassion of others, to understand and support my choice, whether they agree with it or not. Now, I am go out one more time, to try and end things through a most unimaginably brutal method. I have done this hundreds of times in the last 2 years, to no avail. This is not living, this is hell. Prevention and help for those suffering should continue, but also respect, compassion, and dignity should be extended to those who want out. There’s no future for me that I will look back on these days, and say “wow, that was close”. I wish others could understand this. You’re not alone. Prevention efforts are good, but not for everyone, and not for an indefinite period of time.

      1. Judith- I’m so sorry it’s this brutal and it sounds as if it’s worn you down over the years. I have learned not to pass judgment and I only wish I could sit with you and share some of the burdens of your pain. I can’t possibly understand how this feels day after day. While I’ve had moments of extreme pain and certainly losing my own child to suicide was agony for many years, it isn’t the same and I don’t pretend it is. Thank you for commenting.

  47. Sometimes all the help, love, and support in the world are not enough to heal a heart in so much pain and a mind that is already dead.

    1. I remember telling myself and my suicide loss support group that we wish our love was enough to prevent suicide. Thinking it does illustrates a complete misunderstanding of what suicide is.

      I am so sorry the pain is that intense and it has to be unbearable. But you were able to type out this message and that alone is pretty remarkable that you’d be struggling like you were or are and managed to do that. What do you think triggered this attack of brain pain? And are you here today?

      1. I’m here today, (that was so hard to type out without breaking down). I can’t say it’s a single thing there’s been so much thorough out my life that each and every day has become a struggle to keep breathing from beyond the tight grip on my throat and soul. Thank you for your time and words they kept me going one more day when all I wanted to do was let go of all the pain.

        1. I’m so grateful and honored you came back to update me. I knew it had to be hard to write while in suicidal intensity. As much as you hurt, your words and how you express yourself is so beautiful. “I can’t say it’s a single thing there’s been so much thorough out my life that each and every day has become a struggle to keep breathing from beyond the tight grip on my throat and soul.” I hope you write more and I will say that when you are in pain, sometimes that’s when your best work happens. Given that you have some ambivalence about dying, would you be willing to tell a friend about how you feel?

          1. I don’t know what to say but everyday I’m sad, I always want to cry. I feel like people not take me serious. I feel like I’m dumb and idiot. I just want to disappear

            1. Oh Celia. It must feel awful. I’m so sorry. You sound like you are in a deep state of depression. I think it’s important you talk to someone, a trusted adult. Can you tell someone at school? And there is a crisis text line 741-741 if you are in USA or Canada. How long have you felt this way?

              1. It’s been many years that I’m like that and I can’t escape. Nobody really loves me. I have nobody to talk to. I wanna disappear but I don’t want to hurt my mom, she’s the only person who really love me, she will do anything for me so I’m staying but it’s very hard. I’m always thinking about killing myself.

                  1. I know that my mom will die for me. She always so kind, lovely, affectionate with me. I know she loves me. She always want to help me, make me smile but I don’t know why I reject her sometimes. Maybe because I just want to be alone, I’m exhausted. I don’t know I’m weird

                    1. Do you think you are trying to keep her from finding out how you feel? Could that be a reason you sometimes push her away? Fighting those feelings all by yourself in your own brain is exhausting. I’ll share a blog post here from a young man who is now in college. This is what helped him. And thank you for sharing those traits you love about your mom. It does help me to hear them.
                      From Desmond, 21 years old. https://annemoss.com/2021/01/01/concrete-strategies-that-helped-me-work-through-my-teen-depression/

                      From Lauren, 20 years old. https://annemoss.com/2016/05/20/many-lives-can-save/

  48. hi I’m sorry to bother you but I’ve been having a hard time lately with suicidal thoughts and I’m afraid I might do something bad…

            1. You can start off by telling her you are very nervous. But give yourself a few minutes, take some deep breaths and focus on your breathing. If you slow your breathing it does calm your nervous system. You can do this. Let me know how it goes. I’m here, OK?

              1. It was ok I guess. I don’t really feel like she knew how serious I was and since I was at school it was easy to gloss over. I don’t really know what to do… I can’t get sent to the hospital because I don’t want to be a financial burden for my parents and I need to be able to pay for college if I live that far… I don’t know what to do now

              2. It was ok I guess. I don’t think she really understands how serious I am because I know that I’m probably not gonna end up going through with it and I was at school so it felt like less of a safe place… I don’t know what to do… I don’t want to and I can’t get sent to the hospital because I don’t want to be a financial burden for my parents and I need to be able to pay for college if I make it that far… I don’t know what to do but I don’t feel like I can keep myself super safe…

                1. OK. Clearly your therapist is naive. If you are not alive college won’t happen. I see what your passion is in your email address (that I will keep private). I want you to realize that dream. I am so sorry you got that response. I am actually angry with your therapist because she has let all of us down. In those suicidal moments, you don’t always have complete control over the moment and we need to keep you safe from suicide. Can you tell a teacher or school counselor? And by the way there are often resources that are low cost and they will do an assessment prior to making a judgement of whether you go to a hospital. That’s usually a last resort. This is quite treatable outside of a hospital setting. I will call your school and counselor if you want me to. You want to live. And I want you to live. For that to happen we need to get you the support you need.

    1. Take a deep breath, be direct snd say it right away. “I have been struggling with thoughts of killing myself. I am scared to tell and scared of those thoughts. I need help.” Just understand you will be nervous and accept it. This is very important and you will feel proud of yourself for following through.

      I am not sure how you get in touch right now because of covid. If you are in online learning you can send a chat privately. If your school has a tip line you can use that but make sure to list you name and grade. If you are in person you can write it and hand the note to your teacher. Let me know if you are doing online learning and if it’s through google so I can help.

      1. okay thank you and i go in person i am planning to tell my ela teacher through google docs if you want i can telll you what school i go to or i can share with you through goole docs

            1. How sweet of you to ask. Really well. I just spoke at a conference regarding youth suicide prevention and my interactions with so many thoughtful young people on this site has offered me so much insight to share with adults on how to engage more effectivelyl with young people like yourself.

                1. Sleep is super important. And you are right that you need more. My older son likes the app, headspace. He says mindfulness from that app helps him relax. But look up “sleep etiquette.” And that list of things will help. After my son’s death, it was so hard to sleep. But I used mindfulness and all the things on the sleep etiquitte list and it improved. Thanks for coming back Tiffany. You can do this.

                  1. i know and so far things are going okay i am going to an eye opointment in march and i have a detest apointment next friday and i know sleep is important also how is your book going sorry for not replying as much i have been at school but it is now the weekend oh by the way the reason why I don’t respond as mush durring the week is because i don’t want other kids finding out

                    1. I can understand all that. Don’t worry about replying as much as concentrating on your own health. Book is going great. It’s all written and now it’s the editor’s job which is a good feeling. You are such a thoughtful and compassionate person. And I know you will do what it takes to get better. That process you are going through now is making you stronger. It feels like suffering but try to think of it as growing, learning and healing.

                    2. ok and i am doing okay i told my friend and she let my english teacher and they are worried about me witch i don’t want to worrie them

                    3. It’s good to get support when you need it, though. One day you can help someone else which is called “paying it forward.” But when you allow your friend and teacher to help and support you, it makes them feel good. So it’s OK.

                  2. i know but i think they need to know the past and what happened over summer i can try to share a google dox to you and my teacher it would explain why i am not use for getting sleep and not eating much

    2. Assuming if you are learning online I also reached out to a school teacher I know to find out ways to tell or call if you are doing school this way. I didn’t say your name or any of that.

  49. hey anne well earlyier today i got in trouble for nothing and i am starting to get more hungery snd thirsty and i have been sneaking a bit of food and drinks in my room and i almost got caught and i am starting to hate beging at home because at school i feel more safe and less scared and i haven’t been getting much sleep latly

    1. Sleep is so important. And COVID with parents and family members being in such close contact for so often is really difficult. I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this, Tiffany. I’m honored you have chosen to tell me about them. And I hope it helps to write it out and tell someone who cares.

            1. You are welcome. I was so worried about you and admire how brave you are in reaching out for help. Thank you for helping me understand how hard it is during covid and working through some solutions. Thank you for trusting me, replying to me, and for talking to someone. Come back and talk to me any time, OK? You are worth it.

                1. I’m doing OK. I am writing a book for teachers about students and it’s been very hard to write but I am almost done! Two more days. I’m glad to hear things are better. It’s hard to start a new school. Tell me what is working for you and what has helped.

                    1. Wow. You are developing a toolbox of coping skills you can use whenever things get hard. Because life can go really well and then you hit a bad patch and it seems hopeless but those strategies you listed help you manage and grow through those tough spots and get to good times again. I appreciate your help and will use your ideas as examples for others your age.

  50. well i don’t know witch teacher i trust but i used to know a teacher i trusted and i can’t tell him because i moved and i don’t know witch teacher to tell and i don’t know witch teacher i trust more also there is 7 teachers that i know.

    1. I understand your feeling unsure which might also make you feel frustrated. I would choose an English teacher or an art teacher. The reason why is because many students will write or draw about their suicidal thoughts and other experiences they are struggling with. So they’ve seen it before. Where do you live? Not your address just your city and state. The reason I ask is that many states have trained their teachers.

  51. Anne can you help me? well i am planing to hang myself next week because my grandma lechers me for no reason my whole family wants me to be like my sister my sister has been calling me a selfish brat when i am not then at school peole say to kill myself or that i am fat and stupid and others spreed rumers about me and talk about me behind my back. My mom and the rest of my family thinks that i am lazy and they mainly do things with my sister more and they keep on forgetting about me and i don’t know how to tell my mom that i have been cutting my wrist and not eating a lot. My grandma has banned me to have a drink like a glass of tea at the table so now i have been only getting 2 glasses of tea one for my pills and the other one i have to sneak because last time when i got caught getting a glass of tea i got in trouble and my mom doesn’t know and i tried to commit suicide a couple of times the first time i tried to stab myself near the neck but i stopped before it got to my neck the second time i had a sharp knife and i was close on killing myself but i heard my older brother coming so i had to hide the knife and pretended that i just had woken up and i figuerd this time why not try hanging myself.

    1. Hey Tiffany. It did work. The comments are just held in moderation for me to approve. I feel your despair and pain. It breaks my heart you are suffering so much. You mentioned a brother. Are you all close?

      1. Well we are kinda close but not really he works a lot and he sleeps all day so we don’t really spend time together and if we do spend time together we mainly play board games.

        1. My son Charles loved board games. So would you be willing to share your issues with a teacher? School counselor? What I am getting at is can you connect with a trusted adult? I am relieved you answered by the way.

          1. I can try and i used to trust an ela teacher but i moved so i don’t know what teacher i trust cause there is 7 teachers that i know and i don’t know witch one i trust more.

            1. So here is a guide that helps you choose someone. But do choose one very soon, please. I don’t want you to go through another episode without support and help. I can tell you are motivated and you have the courage because you are answering here. You are a strong young lady. I’m here, OK? Most teachers are taught to listen and to then confer with a school counselor. You can ask that the teacher be in that meeting and be there when she talks to the counselor. And you need to be very honest with the counselor on what your home environment is like. The article is below to help you choose someone. You can come back and let me know what’s happening. I will answer. OK? You are not alone.
              https://annemoss.com/2020/02/26/how-to-tell-someone-i-want-to-kill-myself/

  52. I’ve attempted 4 times and im considering attempting again seriously everything hurts, I’ve not long started suffering from PTSD which is making everything worse i just want to die but i don’t want to not consider other options

    1. Oh Stephen I am so sorry to you have struggled so. I can feel your despair and do wish I was sitting with you now to at least offer human comfort during a difficult episode. What triggered this episode do you think?

      1. I can’t even think straight anymore..school starts in a day..I can’t try to kill myself right..? I’m too much of a fucking coward I can’t even hang myself properly and even if I attempted my family would be mad at me….and tell me I’m just trying to make my aunt feel bad for taking a tablet or I “just don’t want to go to school” im so tired of living with this family, telling me I won’t end up killing myself because they think im scared. What does it matter if i don’t want to go to school im gonna kill myself before I get the chance to build up and entire life just for it to go straight in the garbage, I mean I seriously wasn’t even supposed to make it to age 12, and I’m so disappointed I did…I can’t ever do anything right, I have to be picture perfect just so i dont get yelled at like im 5, my therapist somehow always finds a way to pert with my family and never me…..I have atypical anorexia, body dysmorphia, severe depression, PTSD, OCD, and my anxiety is worse then ever..I wake up nervous and its all my fault…if only i’d never said anything about overdosing I would have never been hospitalized..I should have just overdosed at school its not like anyone would notice…they never did. they never even noticed me walking down the halls unless I was making a fool of myself…never once was I asked to hang out or take pictures…never once was somethign GOOD said about me…all i hear is that I’m annoying and weird and so and so would never like a person like me,, and I should go and kill myself because the world would be better off without me, and im never aloud anything I want, that I can use to express myself, I cant wear this but I can wear that, & I don’t deserve to eat and i eat everything up in the damn house.. being here is so exhausting,, im sorry I cant be perfect, but im not fighting this urge anymore. IM going to do it. One way or another, whether its slitting my wrist or hanging myself or overdosing…my happiness is down the drain…because I did drugs my life must be over huh…Im all over the place, I cant see my girlfriend anymore..she was the only thing keeping me alive…now she’s gone

        1. Oh Twylia, this is a good rant. I’m so glad you let all that out of your head and put it in this comment. I’m so grateful you shared yourself so graciously, and so emotionally naked.

          I read how you feel you are a mess. Take a deep breath or lots of them. Don’t worry about all of these things all at once. Just today, think about how to save yourself from suicide. That’s the only problem you need to worry about right now. Girls your age are so mean. I’m so sorry about that. It does our gender no favors. If only the whole lot of them could look ahead ten years and understand how hurtful their actions were back then. And I wish you could look ahead and see how utterly awesome it is to be different, and original instead of just one of the mean girls that can’t make a move without being in their “pack.” All wearing the same brands, none of them ever able to change their hair without wondering if their friends will like it. That’s not you I bet

          Think about how you survived all you have. What courage that has taken. I hear you saying you are sick of it. Hell, I’d be sick of it. But I’m also amazed and impressed with the courage it took to manage all that. To make it this far. Something got you through so far? What is it do you think?

      2. Please help me, I just want the pain to stop, im just 11 years old but we have a gun in a safe. I have learned the code to unlock it. I just hope this doesnt affect my family, goodbye.

  53. Anne I am so sorry for what you have gone through with your son, I cannot imagine how painful it must be. I know you have dedicated a lot of time into supporting people like me who are suicidal and you are a wonderful soul for this, however, the problem is that even when you tell people how you feel and cry out for help nobody helps you. It is not until you are dead that they realise they should have done more. I know it is nobodies responsibility to stop you but I feel as though nobody is there for me or wants to help me and it makes me think I am a burden to everyone. I am desperate to die but maybe I am just desperate for someone to care.. I don’t know.. either way I will hang myself very soon

    1. You have a point. That is how some react to a direct cry for help. It’s why I’m a speaker and do so many presentations to schools, parents, conferences, and more. I’m so sorry people have not taken you seriously. Just know that I am and I do. And you clearly feel so much despair and I am sorry for that. I do care. And COVID has made it difficult for people to connect. Is there any way you can meet with a friend or two friends outside? For a hike or something? Connection helps so much. So if you have reservations about it, put off the decision. Because it’s final. So you might plan it for a day and once it gets to that point, you are afraid and who wouldn’t be? Then make a new date. You want to be absolutely sure. Come back and talk/comment at any time.

  54. What a stupid website. You aren’t helping anyone. This just wastes people’s time and makes them want to double down. I guarantee that there have been people seriously considering suicide, and this website was the last straw that made them do it.

  55. Lmao. What a fucking joke. Imagine repeating everything you typed on here, looking someone dead in the face who has a brain tumor, no money, no family, no friends, and sever depression. L. M. A. O.

    You people who have shit to live for and the means to do it will never fucking understand what it’s like.

    Fuck you. Have a terrible year for trapping people with this kind of shit. Suicide hotline and crap. What a mockery. Those people just fucking hang up on you. God, I hate you types who think you can just save people with no more hope.

    1. Well I do have a brain tumor (I’ve had it since 1999). My brother is in the hospital for the last six weeks and not expected to recover. I am currently caring for my 86 year old mother who is destroyed over the fact that my brother makes no sense and dying a slow and ugly deatgh. And we have to put our dog down tomorrow (my son’s dog.) That’s on top of having lost my son to suicide. So you’re not getting a video from someone who has a rosy perfect life. And while I got lucky during COVID and my husband did not lose his income (I did, however) I have had my turn in the past when I had to sell everything in my house to be able to afford care for my son. So I have been at the bottom and I know how I felt when I was and I’ve never forgotten it.

      What I do understand is that you are angry because you are hurting. And this page pissed you off. I am sorry about that. It wasn’t my intention. I don’t take it personally even if you meant it to be. What’s happening now sucks. And that you are a victim of it and it feels like you are buried with issues from health to finances. And I’m hearing that you are struggling with depression at the same time. How could you not be? So vent away. If you are typing and yelling at me then you are not killing yourself. And for that I’m grateful. I hope you respond.

      1. Much respect Anne! I’m sorry for everything you have gone through and are still going through. Your reply to that person who is clearly hurting so much, is very moving and compassionate! I just found your page here scrolling the internet for things related to how much I myself am suffering right now. I just want to say that you made me lean more towards wanting to keep trying, to not give up. Because, Love.. Thank you for serving the world, thank you for your Love. It matters. It makes a difference. It made a difference to me to witness..take great care.

        1. That’s just about the sweetest note I’ve ever gotten. Thank you for taking the time to write it and post it. And if you want to tell me what might be driving your depression or despair, I’m here to listen. Because we all need someone to listen and connect.

        2. I just want to add, yes, I did in fact find your page here by typing in the search engine ‘ how to hang yourself’.. 🙁
          Feeling all kinds of feelings right now..
          Thank you for this!! I’m glad your page showed up for me, and that I read your reply to that really intense post ..
          Wow

          1. I’m glad it did, too. And I’m glad you have found the strength to keep fighting even in the face of such despair. Do know that what you are going through now has a purpose and that is emotional healing. I never thought I’d survive my son’s suicide. I just kept telling myself I would and so I did.

    2. jeez man, the reason you found this site is because you’re depressed. Don’t be cruel to someone who has a dead child

      1. Hey. You had quite a run of it last night. You OK today? I couldn’t approve all of the comments as they can be too disparaging for those who are in a vulnerable state. Some do lash out in anger and given how badly they feel, I don’t take it personally. Thank you for your understanding of my pain and loss of my son. But I also want to know how you are today.

    3. Thank you!! I have lost everything and everyone. I have no job no hope for being able to find one. My family is dead my friend is forgot I exist and my kids are taken from me. At this point in life I’m burden on the economy and the burden on the people who have to deal with me and have no way to help me other than listen and judge me well I appreciate that some people have something to look for and I’m not normally an advocate of suicide I honestly can say I have nothing left to fight for or contribute.

      1. I’m sorry it’s so bad right now. Thank you for posting here. If you want to tell me about you before all that has happened to you, I’d love to listen. I’m also here if you want to talk more about your despair and how you are feeling.

  56. Yeah! You see, that’s all well and good, right? Reaching out, telling people! But what if they DON’T FUCKING LISTEN! There in lies the problem! People don’t see the signs, they don’t listen and, more than all of that – THEY DON’T FUCKING CARE!

    But thank you and I am genuinely sad for the loss of your beautiful young son. That is truly awful.

    Sending love, light and healing!

    1. I am sorry you feel people don’t care. And I’m so sorry you are hurting and thank you for your condolences. That means a lot. Can you tell me what leads you to think that people don’t care? I’d love to hear your thoughts on that.

  57. I am guessing you are so angry because you don’t feel well yourself. I’m sorry about that. I would never describe someone with substance use disorder as a “junkie.” He did not die by overdose. Tell me what drove you to search for this page?

  58. I stumbled soon your site, and I am very sorry for your loss and pain.
    I’m sure that very last thing you son wanted was you hurt by his decision.

    1. I agree Steve. In that extreme moment of pain he thought we’d be better off without him. That was not the case but I know now from posts and comments from all of you here, that that’s what his brain was telling him. More than anyone, people like you who have posted here have helped me understand my son’s pain and help me understand it. Thank you for taking the time. Let me know how you are doing today.

      1. Just found your story and as I do want to end my life the only thing that stopped me was as I was going to do this my sons relationship with his partner had just broke up and they had just given me a granddaughter , but now he is happy again I can’t see me seeing 2021 in,,all the thoughts are back as he don’t need me

        1. I am so sorry you feel such despair, Keith. It has to be really hard to fight those thoughts. You really are so courageous to have survived them as it sounds like you have fought them for a while. If you don’t mind, tell me about your son and your new granddaughter if you would. Can you describe your son and granddaughter?

  59. You’re an angel. Tonight I was close , I looked at tpyiure son Charles , I watched you talk and I felt some comfort. Thank you my angel.
    Clare
    United Kingdom

  60. I am from the UK and I happened to come across this in searching how to hang myself, people like you make me believe there are is still some good in the world and you are that angel I needed tonight, what a selfless person to dedicate you’re time to us lost souls. Thank you so much

    1. That is one of the sweetest and most thoughtful comments I have ever gotten. Thank you. Taking a screenshot so I can use it. And please let me know how you are now. I hope you are safe from suicide.

  61. Hello,

    I just found this when searching on info on how to hang myself. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a 32 year old man from sweden who’s planning on doing this myself tonight. I’m not writing this to get some comfort or make you feel bad, but to give you a perspective on why people do what they do.

    My story starts in southeastern Europe where my first memory was formed, of us fleeing the war. We came to sweden and I had a decent time growing up. We were pretty poor, but always had food on the table, decent clothes and no one noticed anything off. I was always the happy kid. I loved astronomy, I had huge dreams and was just really outward.

    When I was about ten I witnessed my mom almost getting murdered. She survived, but it ruined me somehow. After that I started having panic attacks on a daily basis for years, but didn’t tell anyone. For some reason I thought I wasn’t allowed to tell people about how bad I felt. Like it was something wrong with me. Which in some sense there was.

    I came out of it, my panic attacks stopped. But instead I was put in a state of underlying permanent depression. Outwards I was highly social and functioning, but inside I always felt like I was useless and that my life wouldn’t get anywhere. While everyone else was going to uni, I didn’t even manage to pull high school of with decent grades. The first few years of my adult life I pretty much sat at my dads apartment playing games and reading. I dated some girl that was really bad for me for a while and drank a lot during the weekends with my friends.

    At 22 I woke up, got new energy and it looked like my life would turn around. I got an okay desk job at a big company that I stayed with for about a year and a half. I’d always had this entrepreneural spirit and lots of ideas, so I ended up getting an investment for an business idea that I had. It went to shit within two years. Oh well, lesson learned. About this time I had no idea what I was gonna do when an old friend of my calls med and invites me for a drink with him and some girls. This evening, I met the girl I thought was the love of my life. She was so much fun, cute and just seemed the opposite of me: alive.

    Fast forward about a year and I drop everything I do, take a loan of 5000€ and move to her city to try to start a new life. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy or had this much hope in my life. It was a brand new opportunity to start from scratch. We get an apartment, buy a dog, I get a job and on the side I work on my business ideas with dedication. Every night when she’s asleep I play some games while writing on my business plan. This time I get the idea of a lifetime, assemble a team, we raise over 1M euros in investments and I become what I’ve always dreamed of.

    We ran the company for three years then sold it to a competitor. We didn’t become millionaires, but we had some cash so we could boostrap or next venture. I had already planned what to do and we started building it. About a year in and with all my savings invested, including loans I had taken to make this come true. I find out the lead developer had lied to us all along and had no idea what he was doing. Everything we had done was worthless. We had tons of businesses ready to start using our platform when we found out. All that money was now lost and I didn’t have a penny to do anything about it. That’s when my mom reached out and asked me if I believed in what I was doing. I did, so she insisted on her taking on a loan to pull me out. Desperate and stupid as I was, I agreed.

    It wasn’t enough, we didn’t pull out. Infact things got much worse. My fiancee cheated on me, kicked me out of our home within a week and took our dog from me. I fell into a deep depression which made everything much much worse.

    While I’m writing this, I have no resources and I am hungry a majority of the time. I can’t even get a job due to corona. My life is over and I pulled the ones I love the most down with me. I’ve been trying to do everything I can to somehow pull myself out for the sake of my family and because I’m afraid of commiting suicide. But it’s impossible. I’ve ran out of time, hope and strength. It hurts so much to everyday be living like this and I can’t take the way people around me look at me. Just a while ago my mom called me and asked me why I am this way. Why is everything so fucked up. And I can’t answer her. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All my life I’ve lived with the best intentions for people around me and yet I managed to hurt the ones I loved the most.

    My point with all of this is, sometimes life just hands you a shitty deck. But deep down I know this wasn’t the case for me. I got a decent deck. I’m smart, I could’ve made a great life for myself. But I’ve always been afraid, ever since that day I almost saw my mom die I’ve been afraid of living. I used to be this naive kid who looked at the world as a place full of adventures and opportunity. I lost it and it got replaced with fear. All I know is fear. I’m afraid to make a phonecall, ask people for help, to sit on the subway and be observed by others. I’m tired of being afraid and I’m a huge burden for everyone around me. I know everyone will say “you’re not a burden” but it’s not true. I am a massive burden and I know it.

    At least when I’m gone, they won’t have to worry about me anymore. I truly hope you understand that your son loved you very much and that this was never what he wished for him or you. But sometimes you just can’t flee what life has in store for you.

    Much love to you Anne and all the loving mothers out there, you are the true miracles of this world.

    1. First of all, I can’t prevent what you are thinking of doing. God or superwoman is not on my resume. The only person who can truly save you is yourself. And to do that, you would have to ask for help. I think you owe it to your mom to give her that opportunity but that’s just my opinion as a mom. And it won’t be what she says although she loves you, it will be connecting you to some help. Because none of us are meant to do this alone. And corona sucks. I am so sorry for so much pain. I can understand how and why you feel that way. But I want to point out one thing. You have expressed doubt. And this is a huge step. A final one. I can’t stop you but since you have doubts, it makes sense to put it off and set a new date since you are unsure and have fear of how much it will hurt. Either way, I would like you to tell me about your mom. Since I’m a mom. Tell me what’s special about her.

      1. Thanks for your reply. She’s just a great mother. When my parents got a divorce she worked three jobs to keep us alive. One christmas she asked if I wanted gifts or nice food because we couldn’t afford both. I’ve never forgotten the dissapointment in her face when she said it. She’s always supportive and believed in me, even when she shouldn’t have. When she called me today, I heard the desperation in her voice, she wants answers to why I can’t turn things around. I’ve tried telling her that the problems have piled up so much that they’re suffocating me. I can’t pull myself out when I can’t even function properly most of the times. It’s like an endless spiral I can’t get out of. My financial problems consume me and to fix them, I need to function, which I can’t. Even if I did function, I think I’m to deep into it to dig myself out.

        I’ve tried everything over the past 2.5 years. Meds, meditating, working out 6 days a week, changing my perspective, new approaches, lowering my bars. No one wants me, it’s like I’m useless after all I’ve done. I can’t even get a basic job because there’s always someone more experienced in flipping burgers or whatever.

        I’m now 32. Once I was on the cover of magazines for being an innovator, now I’m sleeping at my dads couch (really) while he lives abroad, I can’t afford food, I worry everyone around me. I have no idea how I got here or how to pull myself out. I’ve tried buying myself time endless of times before. It all ends the same way, I just end up depressed and dissapointed again. I wish I could tell you I’m not doing it and that there’s hope. But there isn’t. The longer I wait, the more I see how the ones I love can’t see how much I’m hurting and how panicked I am over the situation I’m in. They’ll end up hating me either way.

        Tomorrow my dad is coming to visit and I can’t take another round of hearing what an useless human being I am for the situation I put myself and others in.

        Bless you and I truly hope you heal from the trauma you suffered.

        1. I will start by saying it’s the tribe I’ve created here that helped me find emotional healing. It was slow. Very slow. I I felt like the worst mother on the planet. I had no idea what to do or where to turn so I started by just telling myself I would survive, not having any idea how or what that would look like. Blind faith.

          I am so sorry everyone is making you feel so useless. But I do want you to understand that sometimes that tone you hear or that expression you see is more worry, and less disappointment. And people don’t understand that their comments make you more depressed. I try to tell the parents who reach out that those comments don’t help and encourage them to get help for themselves and get educated on mental illness like depression. I regret not telling my son, “As much as I want you to get well, I love you even if you don’t.” I think he needed to hear that.

          Thank you for telling me about your mom. What a fabulous mom she has been. You are a lucky man in that regard. And I’m honored you posted here and replied. Thank you for that.

        2. Dear S.
          My son completed suicide in April this year. His fiance had left him and we were in lockdown due to Covid. He was getting some grief at work and was thinking of getting another job. He has two children, now 12 and 9. He is loved so much by his family and those two precious kids. The night he died, I found him. I can tell you, that no matter how useless or hopeless he felt, or that we would be better off without him, he was wrong!! He died and I might as well have died with him. My life has lost all meaning and nothing, nothing on earth would have made me feel better off without my son. I would have done anything to help him, if he had let me know how bad he was feeling. I beg you not to take your life. You have a mum who loves you and I promise you, she wants you alive. I know you think you have reached rock bottom, but you can crawl out of that hole and climb up. Your mum deserves you to live. You deserve to live

            1. I hope you tell someone how you are feeling. You deserve support. I’m so sorry you feel such despair. Thank you for commenting. I’m so grateful you have a great mom

              1. I don’t know who to talk to Anne. I would never burden my mum with my problems, she doesn’t deserve that, although I know she would listen to me all day.

                1. Well think about this. So I’m a mom. I’d give ANYTHING if my son had said he was struggling with suicide. It would have given me a chance to help him when he called that last time. I would have recognized and understood what that despair I felt meant. But I didn’t becuase he’d never mentioned it. I believe he thought the same thing as you. It took me years to stop blaming myself for my son’s suicide and although I have forgiven myself and understand that I can’t control the actions of another person, there is still that nagging feeling and a piece of it always will be with me.

                  So many here tell a parent who dismisses them for no other reason than they feel the child would never do that. Yours isn’t like that. How do you think she’d feel if you never told her and then you died by suicide? I totally understand your fear and not wanting to “burden” her. That’s your depression talking–actually lying to you. So I think your mom is a great person to talk to and here is a link to how you can tell. https://annemoss.com/2020/02/26/how-to-tell-someone-i-want-to-kill-myself/

                  So if you cannot bring yourself to tell your mom, make a list of another trusted adult you can speak with–coach, school counselor, music teacher, teacher, Godparent, friend’s mom, friend’s dad. Next you need an assessment and then a psychological evaluation. From there you will get a care plan to help alleviate or eliminate these thoughts. Treatment is possible. Not only that thriving is probable. I can help you brainstorm someone else to tell. Let me know what you are willing to do. And you can be totally honest.

      1. Lots of times I never know. I sure hope not. I think many people don’t even remember coming here and posting a comment because of the state of despair they were in at that time. But more people ponder it than actually die by suicide. That I do know.

        And several people have come back months and even years later and expressed that they have worked through things or are working through things. Debbie is one of them. She struggled so much–on and off for over a year. But she did survive and it was so amazing to hear that. And I get comments from hundreds of people that they didn’t from facebook, YouTube, and email through the contact form. They will say I saved their life but the truth is they saved their own life and just needed one human to listen and respond. I do keep every one of those comments anyway because they give me hope. And when I’m hurting from the pain of grief, I open that file and read them. That’s my own confession.

  62. Hi I just found your website. Im sorry you lost your son, after reading about him I can relate a lot to him. He was a year older than me, Im also a musician and (recovering) heroin addict. Ive felt like I haven’t wanted to be alive for the longest time and I wish I could say its getting better but it isn’t. I don’t want to burden anyone but Im so tired. I was taken away from my parents when I was 4, they were drug addicts and I saw a lot of violence in the first few years of my life. I went to live with my dad’s mother, joined on and off by my dad. Hes been clean and owns his own home since 2008. My mother didn’t try to stay clean and pretty much abandoned my siblings and I. I rejected her apologies and she died 2 years ago in the midst of my heaviest heroin use. When I was 12 I was sexually assaulted and it totally changed me. I became withdrawn and depressed, started using drugs the next year in 8th grade and was bullied by my former friends until i tried killing myself for the first time. In the hospital i met who would one day become the love of my life. I followed her around like a lost puppy and still do to this day. We fell out of contact on and off but after comikg back in contact when we were 18 I decided I wanted to be with her forever and proposed. She said yes and that we were soulmates! I was so happy. Unfortunately, it was too soon and she had an affair. I was crushed and tried to forgive her but eventually I started using pills and eventually heroin again. She kicked me out after finding my pills and then had to get her appendix removed. In the hospital she found out we were going to have a baby and because of my addiction she was too scared to have it and had an abortion. I was devastated because we had always talked about having a loving family that we both never had as kids. I would have stayed clean and worked so hard to take care of them. This led to me moving into a truck with a friend and bandmate, selling LSD and other drugs from my state to California and sinking deeper into heroin and meth use. I came back hoke in 2017 after accidentally overdosing and dying on heroin cut with fentanyl (I also think i met God but thats another story) and we tried to make it work again. I was clean but she didn’t trust me and didn’t want to commit fully and i kept eventually relapsing because everyone thought i would anyway. After a serious of events led to me becoming homeless I was either going to kill myself or get clean. I went to rehab. After rehab I moved back in with her and got my health insurance license in 2019. I worked at my agency for 8 months before being let go. During this time we weren’t together romantically and she met a coworker who she is dating to this day. Im happy for her but it was so hard to move on when he was over, hes younger and tbh i don’t care for him not just for that reason but because hes just off. Even her friends don’t understand. And because her family thinks of me as family and I don’t have anyone in state they are letting me stay here until I get a place. I still don’t have a job but am getting a substantial inheritance from my grandfather in a few months. Its not a million dollars but its enough to get my life started and be set for life. I should be grateful buy Im so tired. Its not going to change the fact that I lost my best friend and soulmate, that I failed everyone. That Im alone and unlovable, and always will be. I don’t have the energy to fight on but I don’t want to go to hell or make my dad sad. I just don’t want to feel this way. Medication doesn’t help me and neither was neither does therapy. The only thing that did was heroin but the lifestyle cost me my soulmate. But I don’t regret it, it got me through some dark times. Now its gone too. Im so sorry for posting this long rant, Im just at the end of my rope and wanted to share how I feel in case anyone else understands me. I love you all and wish I could take away all of our pain

    1. God I hope you are still here. You have been through hell. And I read every last word by the way. “i kept eventually relapsing because everyone thought i would anyway.” That beaks my heart and it’s our culture that does inspire more relapses. Our lack of support. But I am rooting for you. Because you have a heart of gold. You are empathetic and capable of love which are qualities I Thai k make a wonderful human being. And that’s the part that I am hearing. What I don’t think you give yourself credit for is having survived a lot of stuff. A lot. Something other than heroin got you through all of those. You really are a warrior and have incredible survival skills.

      I am not going to tell you it will get better because I don’t know that. However if you say or think it won’t that sets up a situation that makes it harder to find it. But given your state of mind when you wrote this your brain would block all that anyway. And it’s no wonder you suffer from depression. The lack of connection right now makes everything harder. But you are clean. I hope you get your depression treated. That will be essential to your health. So your gf or former gf is not married with a family? Tell me more about her.

      1. Thank you so much. I do feel a little better after typing it all out, i don’t think i processed a lot of the things I’ve been through. Ive been treated for depression, I just haven’t found one that works yet. My ex isn’t married, she has dated other people on and off but I don’t think she wants to marry anyone. I should separate myself from her more but shes my best friend in the world and I don’t want to get that close to someone else. But I recognize its probably not healthy

        1. Chris- Who’s to say it’s unhealthy to be close to her still? I think cutting off all communications if she is keeping in touch would not be good for you right now since she has been a support. Who knows how that might play out. And I’m glad it helped to write it all out. It always helps me. That’s why there are 1,600 blog posts on this site, 95% of which are written by me. Writing was one of my strategies (that’s why I wrote a book). Support group, giving back, and exercise were the others. And then there were some little strategies like stopping to notice something beautiful which most of the time for me had something to do with the sky and clouds. I still can’t believe how you have persevered. You really are a very strong person. Thank you for posting here. Thank you for your trust.

  63. I am at my wits end. My health is bad, kidneys and heart bad shape. I know I would be better off being gone, but I know it would extremely hurt my wife and patents. I just want to end all things. But I’m stuck because if I do it she won’t get my life insurance cash.
    So here I am, waiting to end, and knowing I can’t for the love of my wife and family. Hopefully my heart will give out soon.

    1. M- What a difficult place to be. I’m so sorry you are suffering and have such challenging health issues. You sound like a really good person who loves his family. Tell me a little about your wife.

  64. Admittedly (and obviously) not what I came here for, but I read through so many of the suicidal comments that you too have had to read through.

    I don’t want to add to that.

    Instead I will just let you know that whilst you do come across as a strong person, someone out there acknowledges how emotionally draining it must be to respond to so many comments talking about the very thing your son was taken away from you by.

    It can be difficult for a lot of people to be supportive of friends and family, let alone strangers- which isn’t a fault of their own, everybody has stressors because that’s what living is.

    I hope you don’t guilt yourself into replying to all the comments because you feel like it’s on you to save everyone. Even if you “want to be there”, that doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting. I hope you appropriately put your own wellbeing first.

    Anyway.
    Happy Belated Halloween!
    I hope you have a good start to your week, and a restful following weekend.

    1. In your worst pain you are thinking of me. That shows how much empathy you have. I don’t feel it’s a burden but I can tell you that I have learned more from those with lived experience. It has helped me understand my own son’s pain and than trance-like moment that drove him to end it. And I know there are those here who have not made it. And others who have because I have heard from them years later. Now about you. You have to feel pretty bad to have ended up on this page. So I would like to know more about you.

  65. i really just hate this. i wanna die but i just cant handle pain. i literally act like a mean person thats a little crazy but thats just my persona. i literally have a strict mom and dad and brother that literally beat me for doing small things and even for crying. and my teacher gets mad at me for everything i do. she literally sent a song with a couple of curse words and she gets mad at me. im failing math and everything. im smart and dumb but i get bad grades because i just dont care anymore. i just want everything to stop the only way ill live in peace is when either everyone dies or i die. my teacher is also thinking about suspending me. i ruined everything. i cant even clean my own room it literally took 1 year to clean it up and its still a mess. the only way i find joy is through my online friends but my mom took it away. and now that i found a better coping methaoud im introuble. one of my other reasons i wanna die is because i want my parents , teacher , brother and everyone else to feel sad and know that their the reason i died. i know its selfish ad manipulitive but i dont care.

    1. It sounds like you are in a terrible place and don’t want to go on and that it feels like no one is on your side right now. Let’s not worry today about bad grades. I’m more concerned about your life and that’s your only job right now is to save yourself. That’s more important than a math grade. Do you agree? While I know this hurts and a temptation to end it all, there is a part of you that wants to live. I feel it. Does your school have a counselor? Is there a teacher with whom you do have a good relationship? (And not with the one you mentioned. That teacher is poison.) Any other adult you could reach out to? And finally, tell me some of the things you like to do when you are not depressed.

    1. I hear your anger and feel your pain although I could never really know it. I am sorry the page didn’t meet your expectations. I am sorry you are hurting so much you looked this up. I would like to know more about you and what you are struggling with. I can’t fix anything but I can listen/respond.

    2. I really thought I found a post to help – I have tried two overdoses and fairies both times and can’t bear the fuss it causes when I fail – I have asked my gp for help and also saw the crisis team Saturday but no support since – I have waited over three weeks for medication that’s as a vegan and I can take and both my pharmacist and the crisis team have promised to help me but no one has been in touch and I can’t bear my thoughts and want to die and do it properly – I’ve no idea how to hang myself but many people seem to manage it and I’m so I upset that this didn’t help me – I am also so sorry for your loss x

      1. Aslan’s Mom- I know when the pain hits as bad as it does, it can be a crushing blow to see that there are no directions here. It wasn’t my intention to disappoint. I am in disbelief that you have not gotten more support and help. But not shocked, unfortunately. They’d never treat someone who came in with a heart attack like that. And a suicidal episode is every bit as important and life-threatening. You are welcome to tell me more about yourself and your pain.

  66. Hi Anne, I happened to surface on to this post, because I was also trying to find methods in hanging myself. I still really do. I don’t understand why I was brought to this world. I question my existence everyday and can’t seem to get any better no matter how hard I try. I have had anorexia, binge eating disorder, and bulimia. I think my depression stemmed from my eating disorders and the idea of being skinny. I’m okay now, but food still scares me. I’m just beginning to be able to control my eating habits. Every day has been hell since march. I dont even know how Im alive right now. Quarantine made it worse; it made me develop more serious and harmful suicidal thoughts. Although I questioned my existence time to time before the pandemic, quarantine made me feel unexplainably worse. I still am in hell. I just want to be happy. Only one friend knows about my mental state right now. But I almost stopped talking to her, because I feel like such a burden. I thought after I tell someone, things will get better, but it really didn’t. All it did was ruin my relationship with my friend because of my anxiety.
    I dont think I can hold it in any longer. I want to run away from my home too. My dad has been jobless for a year now. Before, we lived too comfortably. He wasn’t home because he worked in Korea. He lost his job though, hoping to find a new one in America. But, the pandemic crushed his chance of doing so. My dad triggers all the little things that goes in my mind. He shouts and gets infuriated by the littlest things my siblings and I do. It’s to the point I’m scared to go downstairs to get a glass of water. He questions everything I do, triggers my eating disorders, makes me depressed, and makes me so, so mad. I hate him so much. If I could, I want to kill him first before I kill myself.
    I’m planning to commit the day before my ACT test. It’s my first time taking it and I haven’t been able to practice or study once. I give up after answering two questions. I’m so unmotivated and my mind just shuts down. I hate myself so much for it. I’m so frustrated because by the time I sit down at my desk, I break down and the day is already over. I’m so nervous and scared even thinking about. I go to sleep thinking about it and wake up dreading it. My dad threatened that he’s only going to allow me to take it twice. If I get below a 33 on my first try, I know I’m doomed. I need to get into a good college because my dad will hate me if I dont. I’m going to be a failure, I already am a failure. I’m just a piece of lifeless flesh that wastes everyones time and energy. So why not just die before I get even more emotionally drained?
    I feel so lonely every night. I want to talk to my friend but Im scared. All I do is cry. I feel so helpless and irrelevant. What is my point in life? Why is it so hard?

    1. Dear anonymous- First, forget that test. Cancel if you can. You have far more pressing issues right now and that’s your mental health. You will go to college and don’t let someone else dictate This right here is important: “I’m just beginning to be able to control my eating habits. Every day has been hell since march. I dont even know how Im alive right now.” Somehow you made it. What strategies helped you get here. And so many young people are struggling with isolation. And you have the added burden of a dad who is probably depressed. In his case it expresses itself with anger. You are a warrior if you made it through those eating disorders. You do know what that took to overcome all those voices in your head that go on in an eating disorder? How many of us could do that? But you did. With hard work. And, if you don’t kill yourself, things will change because change is always happening. It sucks now but no crisis lasts forever. And I’m sorry you can’t get out of your house more due to this pandemic and that your dad is making your life hell. Re-engage your friend. Tell her you are sorry you are such a mess but you are trying to work it out and need a friend. We’ve all been a mess at some point. I’ve been a mess many times in my life. I know you have the strength from what you’ve told me. There’s no way you could have made it through what you’ve been through without building a lot of resilence. If you are struggling, come back here. I will answer. If you need help at any time, text 741-741 if you are in US or Canada. And now tell me how you worked through what you have? Because that is freaking amazing what you have accomplished.

      1. my name is Amelia and im 13 and i was reading and im so so sorry for your lose well my friend is in a hospital because she committed suicide but I don’t know what she’s doing though but I’m praying for her every night and in the morning because I love her so much but yeah I’m trying to commit suicide do you have any advice as a mom because my mom left me when I was 1 years old and she only comes around when she wants something or money I am 13 and I live with my grandma sister .I’m going to say this again I’m so so sorry for your loss your son is one beautiful boy ever seen in