How to hang yourself

Give this video just 51 seconds of your time. I am so sorry you feel so badly you are looking up how to hang yourself. My son,  Charles, looked up this phrase, too.

He suffered from depression and an addiction to heroin and died by suicide. People who were hurting as much as you are have told me the videos below helped them. They are from my son’s hurting soul.

I miss him every single day. If you comment below, I will answer.

Please tell someone. Please talk to someone.  Because suicidal thoughts are treatable.

If you are a teen or young adult, several have used this guide to figure out how to tell a parent or loved one you want to die.  For the Teen Contemplating Suicide and Looking for the Strength to Reach Out. I hope you will use it. It takes courage to reach out for help.

For youth and adults How to tell someone I want to kill myself

U.S. Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. U.S. Crisis text line text 741741

Reach out the the crisis text line through Facebook

The best part about communication with this crisis line over Facebook is that your information is encrypted and anonymized, so you can rest assured that even your Facebook conversations with this service is confidential and secure.  They won’t have access to your profile or other identifying information, so they’ll only know what you tell them – nothing more!

Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired or use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255.

Canada 1-833-456-4566

United Kingdom 116 123

Australia 13 11 14

Suicide hotlines for other countries

Suicide Hotlines England

Suicide & Crisis Hotline Australia

Crisis Text Lines

US and Canada: text 741741

UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808

Overcoming fears and myths about crisis lines. Legit information here.

Stop, Drop and Roll for emotional emergencies. Video is below and at this link.

Everyone who has done the dunking of the face in ice-cold water had told me it worked to alleviate the crisis (some said they had to do it at least twice.)

Other Resources:

Highly recommended book. Click the book picture to get your free Kindle version. $4.99 in paperback in the USA. If you are in another country, go to your amazon and paste “How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life.”

I miss my little bugger

USA 1-800-273-8255
USA Crisis Text 741-741
US Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
US Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

682 thoughts on “How to hang yourself”

  1. I need help. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 14. I turn 29 in two weeks. I’ve been married for 7 1/2 years. We have a 6 year old son who is hands down my biggest fan and a 2 year old daughter that has me wrapped around her finger. On April 28 my wife told me she wants a divorce. I am going through the hardest time of my life right now. I’ve picked up my bottle of anti depressants multiple times with intentions of taking the whole bottle. I found this website trying to Google how to hang myself. I’ve never felt so hopeless and alone my whole life. It’s hard enough battling with these thoughts every day for so long but now it’s consuming me. And I don’t even want to do it. I love my kids more than anything and I know how bad they need me. My wife and I are still best friends, which has made this whole process even harder being around her every day. She’s the only one who knows where I am mentally. She’s trying to take care of me but she still has a wall up and it’s destroying me. I’m doing everything I can just to survive right now and I’m driving my life into the ground on the way. I’ve lost 20 lbs in the matter of weeks, I can’t sleep more than an hour or 2 at a time. I feel all my will to live fade more and more every day. I’m sitting in the cafeteria at work crying. I have no idea how I’ll make it through the rest of this night. I’m trying really hard to find help right now but I’m starting to lose grip. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to keep going. Please help me. Please don’t let me do this. Im so desperate right now.

    1. Kris I’m in. Meaning that I do feel that despair. You need to tell someone to get you somewhere for an assessment now. They might be able to administer a ketamine treatment to jump start your brain out of this defeatist cycle. Or ask someone now to drive you to the ER or mental health hospital to get an assessment. Relationship disruption can be that last straw that drives someone to end their life. The loss of sleep will weaken your resolve to live. And I hear that you Don want to go. This is not something you can do alone and I know you want to live for you and your kids. Your job today, your only job, is to make the move to tell someone to take you to the ER or somewhere to get that assessment. There is most likely a local number for crisis services in your area. Call them. Or look up “mental health crisis——“ Where you see dashes, put in your city and state. You need an assessment to figure out your risk snd you need help now. Please make that call or ask someone to make that call now. I am here. I will respond. You aren’t alone and I want to help you help yourself to live.

      1. I’m so miserable. I don’t understand what’s going through her mind. We’re closer than we’ve ever been but she keeps making it clear she doesn’t want to stay married. We have a couple good days then she hits me with “don’t read too much into it”. I’m so desperate for someone to not let me fall. But I feel like I’m losing grip. Every day gets harder and harder.

        1. That is so confusing for you. I can tell you have invested so much of your own heart which is why this is so hard. I hope you tell someone how you feel. But even if you don’t, come back here, write what you need to. I will answer. If the suicidal thoughts get bad, do the cold water trick above. Or the extreme exercise. It will keep you alive until you can work through all this. You can also visit your doctor and get an antidepressant to help you through this dark period. It’s not forever. It won’t fix it all but it will offer some help. Would you be willing to call your doctor? Please reply so I know you are still here.

  2. I think about suicide daily, I’m 28 and an alcoholic, I did rehab for 7 months and left England to Scotland, to start uni, I never dealt with my mums death or my abuse when I was a child and it’s apparent I never will, so I drink, which causes further problems, iv no friends no family and no hope.

    1. Jack-First of all, I hear you. Addiction is an awful disorder that makes people feel unworthy. Often people turn to a drug or alcohol to manage the immense and powerful feelings that happen as a result of loss and abuse. I’m so sorry you are struggling with the aftermath of both. I can tell you that you can start healing at any time in your life and it’s never too late. My brother is 55 and just went into recovery after decades of substance use disorder. But having said that I don’t want you to think I am dismissing your despair or making anything sound easy because I know it’s not. And finding the will to move forward with that healing process is something that has to come from within you. But I am here. I will answer. I will listen. I will reply. I can’t fix anything but I can listen and respond. I’m honored you posted here and allowed yourself to admit your feelings and take the time to comment.

      1. Anne I have read your posts and think you are an incredible women. Like your son Charles who I see this is the day he past away actually years ago I’m so very sorry ma’am god bless you. I also suffered from addiction and chronic depression. I was shooting heroin daily and constantly thinking about suicide . I am now 2 years clean after 8 years of daily heroin use. Trying to rebuild my life it’s so ever hard . Anyone out their suffering I have hope in your I really do!

        1. First, only a human as tuned in to others would see that the day you posted was the anniversary of my own son’s suicide. So thank you for noticing.

          I am now involved in nonprofits and on the board for organizations dedicated to helping those with addiction and mental illness. I have watched how hard it is. You have to be the strongest person in the world to have gotten where you are today. To have endured thoughts of suicide, substance use disorder, and found recovery. The thing is with those who are in recovery from SUD you have to learn coping strategies at a later age. That recovery part is still so much work. And while I can’t fix anything I can answer and I can offer you support and respond. Tell me what support you have in place currently? Groups, people, housing? I know all of that is so hard to find, harder during a pandemic. If you reply, I will answer. I am honored you posted here.

    2. Me too I’m in the same position all I feel is pain, hopelessness, despair, no love, peace, joy, nothing.
      My heart hurts, my lungs hurt, my body aches.
      My body longs for a better time my brain is done with me. My body is fighting me back.

      1. That description really helps me to understand and feel your depth of despair and the depth of despair for many suffering these thoughts. Thank you for the honor of sharing that on this site. And I am not surprised that you struggle with that up and down of wanting to live and not wanting to live at the same time. But I do think if there are doubts, which you did mention having, it means you tell someone because part of you does have doubts. And this is a final decision. Is there someone you trust who. You could talk to? And while I can’t fix anything I can listen. And I will answer.

  3. I have wanted to die since I can remember. Imagine a young 8 or 9 year old boy wishing he was dead so maybe someone would care. I never have lost those feelings. I have beautiful kids and love them so much. I have been kicked out of our home by their mom countless times were stubborn ppl but I always feel like I cant handle how much it hurts. I feel consumed by thoughts of killing myself. My babies saved me when my mom passed away. When she died I felt alone. My kids mom went to Florida with a friend to have fun and go out alot. That hurt and put insecurities in my mind. I would always have my moms support even if she disagreed she never made me feel worse. I miss her everyday. It doesn’t get any easier. I dont understand how others can just go on through breakups or loss like its no big deal. It confuses me and makes me hate myself for being so weak mentally. I’m very scared to die and basically not have existed my mind dies with me and all existence in my mind dies with it. It scares me. But still I just want to stop hurting and feeling this way. Tonight I am going to try to kill myself. I’ve gotten to this point before but only felt it out. I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow and worry about life and its uncertainties and the pain that joins those thoughts. So tonight dying is my only way to escape life’s struggles. The pain in my heart and head.

    1. mj- I’m so sorry you’ve suffered like this. Since 8 years old is a long time. And please don’t feel weak. You were simply born with sensitivities where you feel things more deeply. I’m so sorry about your mom. And what you’ve said speaks volumes of your love for her. Since you mentioned your kids, and if you get this in time, tell me about them, their ages, what they are like. And I will answer if you reply. I hope you do.

    2. ttired feelings solonly the drugs itake arent workingng nomore iam scard for my mother cus she cus she gave me life line
      andq my freaind bambii doesnt care about me i hurt she makes me feel the wurst icry bye selfl in the washroom know wons howbad i fieel i feeli want to dothis tonighti somethingt gonna happen

      1. Trevor. So are you taking prescribed medication or are you talking about recreational drugs? And Bambi is your girlfriend? I’m so sorry things are so bad for you right now. If you answer I will reply.

  4. I’m in a horrible place with my boyfriend. I’ve had huge arguments with my family. I’m not on speaking terms with my sister. My friends openly confronted me about how my mental illness was a burden to them. I have no one to talk to, I’m scared to call a crisis line because they might call 9-1-1 to my house. I want to cut my throat and jump off a bridge or hang myself. No one knows the real me and how I feel. My therapist is no help, he guilt trips me for feeling suicidal and tells me it’s selfish. I get it, I’m a horrible person. My existence is a burden. I don’t have a support system. I’ve tried to get help in so many ways. It’s not working. I’m done trying to be happy. I’m invisible to everyone around me anyways. My existence doesn’t matter. Everyone is better off if I’m dead.

    1. Momo. I feel the despair in your story. First your therapist is so wrong to shame you for being suicidal. Such a breach of a professional oath. I am so sorry you have not been able to depend on help you pay for. And you mentioned a mental illness. That is often makes people more vulnerable to suicide. I think you family does care they simply are craving stability and I am going to bet you are too. If you are in the US or Canada, reach out to the crisis text line at 741-741. I am so sorry you are feeling as you do. I can’t fix anything but I can listen and respond so know that I will do that.

          1. I’m back :/ I feel like such a burden. I know my bf is just setting emotional boundaries but he seems to push me away every time i need support when i’m feeling sad or suicidal – i can’t go to him anymore i just feel like such a burden and he’s my best friend if he doesn’t want to support me and if i’m too much for him then what am i supposed to do?

            1. I am so sorry you are getting that response. And you are right that he’s not the right person to tell. I am so impressed that you did. So I know you can do this. First, I want to explain his reaction. To you it might look as if he doesn’t care. That’s not true. It’s simply that he’s is scared and doesn’t know what to do so basically he freezes and pushes you away hoping he feeling will go away. He doesn’t think he is at risk of really losing you.

              I know better. You are at serious risk of dying. I don’t know your age and if you are in school. If so, tell a school counselor or teacher. Other thoughts are a school nurse, school counselor, teacher, Coach, minister (faith leader), parent, parent of a friend. I have a link at the end on how to choose someone to tell. The crisis text line for USA and Canada is 741-741 and you can ask them for local resources. We will find a way to get you some help. You deserve it. The link I promised. I am here. You know I will answer.

              1. Thank you. You said he doesn’t think he’s really at risk of losing me and I agree, that’s why I feel like he’s not taking my suicidal thoughts seriously – is there something I should do about that?

                1. Later. For now, your only job is to stay alive and that means telling someone who DOES take it seriously. I would have that conversation with the bf later. Please get help first. I’m concerned about helping you save your own life first and so I’m focused on who is that trusted adult or resource who will get you in for an suicide assessment and help you with a safety plan.

                  1. I don’t want to worry my parents, I already have a therapist and I texted the crisis line but they have a max 45min quota and it takes them forever to reply so I end up feeling worse

                    1. Wow. I had no idea the crisis line was so crowded. There is also a facebook link but I bet that has a wait, too. Thank you for letting me know. But I’m here. Who can you tell? It doesn’t have to be your parents. So can you tell a teacher? What about telling your therapist?

                    2. it won’t let me reply further down but my therapist is useless he just guilts me out of attempting and i just have to pretend i’m okay during sessions. i got into another fight w my boyfriend i need the courage to break up with him but i don’t have it because i still love him i just wish he still loved me :/ he really makes me feel like my mental health is such a burden though

                    3. Momo- You can just start a new comment thread. I’m impressed you’ve realized some of the issues that are triggering your ideation. That shows a lot of self awareness. Relationship disruption like that which is going on with your boyfriend is a trigger. Most of all, I’m really pissed your therapist is taking the “shame you out of suicide” approach which is woefully outdated and ineffective. Like back in 1990 they did that and it’s proven to be a poor strategy. Because guess what they found out? That patients were covering up their thoughts because the therapist would make them feel guilty. How does that help? And it didn’t prevent suicide either.

                      Would you be willing to work on a safety plan with me? We can sort of go an old-fashioned route with this resource and then I can suggest some apps that would help. One is My3. And another called Suicide Safety Plan. So you can take the info we create and put it in your app.I am so sorry you are not getting the support you deserve despite making quite an effort.

                    4. OK. Go to the top and start a new comment. And we are going to do one at a time. Then once we are done, I’ll fill in the sheet and you have a safety plan. It basically is personalized to you. Your triggers, your coping mechanisms, emergency contacts and coping skills.
                      Our first question is:
                      IDENTIFY WARNING SIGNS
                      What are your thoughts and behaviors?

                      So here you want to identify those triggers that make you feel lousy that end up making you feel suicidal. For example,do you feel suicidal when you have an argument with your parent or boyfriend? Is it when there is a change like going back to school or some other change? Your menstrual cycle? At night when you are alone and certain thoughts lead to dark thoughts? Stuff like that.

                      So start a new comment at the top and try your best to answer that one question. I feel so confident you can manage this because you are capable and you want to.

  5. Thanks for writing this I’m sure it has all been so hard on you. Thank you for answering comments.
    I’m 22 years old and made it as far as I have on a fluke, aka lots of unsuccessful attempts. I’m in college nearly done but I never liked what I studied and now I’m struggling to get employed in this field. I took on a different job to try to feel less useless but on the first night (tonight) I failed miserably since I have scoliosis and after a few hours felt like I was going to get sick and faint, I did get sick at home. I just can’t do anything right and I should probably quit the job since I’m a liability but I’m scared to and scared of what they’ll think, things like what I think about myself. I’m just so tired of it all and it won’t get better and I’ll never enjoy life. I would love to just die peacefully but few methods are foolproof and I’m dumb and scared of pain or surviving and having to live in an even more messed up body. Honestly I’d love for someone to kill me or give me what I needed to myself. I’m always and will always be alone or end up alone. I’m just so tired but I always wake up to the same depression. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Honestly I want someone to say it’s okay, that I can die, and help me leave.

    1. I read all of it. Between the lines I read that you want to die but also are afraid to die because it might hurt or you might disable yourself. Which, to be honest, can and does happen. And all that chatter in your brain is just making you tired and angry with yourself. I think it’s remarkable you got any job in this market. Not many have especially those right out of college. And failure is part of success. There’s no way you’d learn if you didn’t have any. See if there is a trustworthy adult from whom you can get some guidance and advice. I am so sorry that everything is such a struggle. I am can’t help but be impressed how much you have achieved with a disability.

      Your self hatred is so in line with those who live with depression. So I have to ask if you take medication. That can help. And I hurt that you hurt so much.

      The amazing part is you are still here. I actually think that means something. I know what I think it means. But what do you think that means? Thank you for leaving a comment. If you reply I will answer.

      1. It’s not an impressive job, anyone could have gotten it and honestly anyone could do better at it than me. It’s not related to my major since no internships would hire me.
        I don’t take any medication since I’m afraid I’d overdose if given it. And I can’t be open about how I feel either.
        What I think it means that I’m still here is that I was too dumb in high-school to properly kill myself. So ideally I shouldn’t be here and I still don’t want to be.
        Thanks for answering, I don’t think I really deserve to be talked to.

        1. So I’m going to be bold and tell you what I hear. Your self-hatred is really the biggest barrier to your finding any joy or seeing your own potential. And that is something you can actually control if you take the right steps. And you can’t do it alone. Most things we do as humans that are effective are not done without support. I healed from loss with support. While it still hurts, I am able to find joy and carry forward my son’s legacy of letting other people know that they matter. He would sit with you and let you know you did matter, not by saying it but just by being there. I would not have answered if I felt you were not worthy. But I can’t “talk you into” that. All I can do is listen and respond and let you know you have been heard and let you know what I’m hearing in an honest and forthright manner. I think it’s worth the chance to get medication. Yeah, you could abuse it. But at this point, I think you need it to get that glimmer of hope in the darkness that will propel you forward out of your cycle of self-hatred. I think you posted here because some part of you wants to find that happiness, a sense of worthiness. I actually think that something is happening here, that you want out of this but are ambivalent enough about dying that you might take that first tiny step and tell one trusted adult how you feel. I mean you are thinking about killing yourself here? How on earth could that be worse? And if you do think of all the worst scenarios of doing such, write them all down. But then you also have to write down potentially good things that happen if you do. You can’t think all bad without thinking of all good, too. So to recap. Can you think of a trusted adult to tell? And write down all the things you fear in doing so and then all the things that could happen that would be good if you did. You can do that here and I will help. Thank you for responding. I really am honored you did. I’m honored you posted here and trust me.

  6. I’m so sorry about your son. I am an alcoholic that just can’t kick the habbit. I have a daughter and two grandchildren that mean more to me than anything in this world. I just can’t quit drinking. I’ve tried so many times and I always fall back. I don’t want them to see me suffer as I have taken care of a dying person and don’t want them to go through that. I know it’s hard to believe if I love them why would I contemplate suicide but it is what it is. It’s a disease that has taken my life from me. I love them so much but it would be better for them if I was gone early rather than later when they really know me. I’m sorry. I know I need help but I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening

    1. That has to be so daunting to try so often and end up back in addiction. It really is a terrible disease and that’s the part that’s so hard for both the sufferer and the family. My son also felt terrible guilt over his disease. I never knew until after he died.
      He wrote
      “My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
      I wear the face of a clown,
      I feel so unloved, because of the monster created from drugs.”

      My heart was so crushed. How could I have missed pain so monumental? Love so deep and self hatred so embedded? I have forgiven myself understanding I cannot control another human only how I react to it.

      There were more hopeful lyrics too. But the ones he wrote in deep despair of drug addiction were so telling. He makes it so personal in some of his songs I almost feel like I understand. But I know I can only understand as much as someone can from the outside. So I want you to know that my post here isn’t to judge. But I can respond and let you know you’ve been heard and that you’ve touched a place in my heart that I can’t quite describe. Maybe one day I will be able to.

      So since you mentioned your daughter and grandchildren. Tell me about them. One of them. I hope you are still here so you can tell me.

  7. I’m a 16 year old teenage girl who struggles with depression, anxiety, ptsd and suicidal ideation. Sometimes things get too hard and at this point I doubt they will ever get better so I want to hang myself. I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this but nothing seems to be in my control. I’m so lost. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t want to talk to my parents about this because they are religious and they would be really upset and disappointed with me so I just act happy when I’m around them. I had a boyfriend but he broke up with me 3 months ago, I still miss him a lot because he was the only person who actually gave a fuck about me. I don’t know what to do, I just feel like I’m getting lost in an endless void 🙁

    1. Mia- I’m so sorry you are struggling with such a huge issue all by yourself. But you are no longer by yourself. I am here and will listen and answer. So here’s what I focused in on in your comment above, “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this but nothing seems to be in my control.” There is so much power in that sentence you wrote. So much wisdom. That right there lets me know that you have not only the will to live but the strength to make your way out of the darkness. That is a HUGE first step. And you told someone, me. I’m honored you did so and that you trust me. So thank you.

      What we are going to focus on is how to keep you safe from suicide and the first step is to tell someone. I mean if you were having a heart attack you’d need medical intervention, right? Mental health is no different.

      I agree that your parents are not the right people to tell. They are not always because of the reasons you stated. While they will be informed or brought in later, we don’t need to start there. It’s always different hearing it from another adult who knows what they are doing and explains it to your parents. So who do you choose?

      The best choice is a school counselor. Another thought is a teacher, a minister, a coach, a principal, another relative. Or you can tell a close friend and go tell a trusted adult together. So write down some possibilities. What you need is a suicide assessment and then a treatment plan from there. It feels hopeless now and that’s the depression lying to you. So is there a trusted adult, other than your parents, whom you could tell? And I will help you work through this OK? This is very important. You are important.

  8. Male 44 years old.
    This past year, the virus and subsequent lockdowns have devistated me. Starting with the loosing of my job then my house then my youngest daughter, my best and only friend comes to me with I’m gay, then it’s no I’m trans. Of course I said all the wrong things. I was living in a tent on a river I left in my Jeep to go get some supplies with my dog he was a puppy really he got excited and tried to climb in my lap when I tried to get him off he jumped down on the gas pedal. We rolled five times down a cliff, he died i didn’t. I meet this woman she seems perfect we date promises are made but during the dating process I learn a close male figure in my life, a pastor/mentor really, that I hadn’t spoken to in years has died, and now I’m learning that on top of a meth problem my girlfriend has a gambling problem too. I live in a little beat up trailer on a trap house property I’m clean but not sober drinking like a fish none of my family will talk to me especially my daughter I don’t even have a vehicle to go look for work. The noose is tied I just have to stick my neck in it.

    1. Damn Jason you have had such pain in the past few months. My heart breaks to hear what you are going through. Of course you feel despair. How long have you struggled with gender identity? I am here. I will answer. Please reply. I am very concerned about you.

  9. I’m 22 and I’ve struggled with depression since I was about 12. I keep telling myself thing will get better but it only get worse between threat of eviction due to money worries and abuse I’m struggling to cope. Been with my partner for 6, nearly 7 years. I love him but he is abusing me. He’s hitting me and he puts me down a lot he calls me things like “mongo” “stupid” “bitch” I get told I’m useless and worthless, He doesn’t hit me really bad just a slap or a punch every now and then when we argue. I’m beginning to realise it’s not normal. I get screamed at if a pair of trousers aren’t washed, if he can’t find something or basically if something he wants isn’t done. I’m struggling to keep going. We do both smoke weed daily and if he goes with out his anger gets worse. I love this man, but I can’t take it anymore I’m thinking about suicide nearly everyday. If I tell him I am feeling suicidal he tells me to stop attention seeking or just do it. I’m trying to stay strong for my mum. I just don’t know if I can keep going like this I just want out. I’ve neverspoke anyone about it before.

    1. First of all, I am so honored you posted your story here. Thank you for your trust. You are in a difficult situation that is emotionally devastating. My heart hurts for you and I understand your feelings of despair.

      What I noticed is that you recognize what this person is doing to you is not “normal.” And you know that you do not deserve this. Given that comment I know there is reluctance to take the difficult steps to get out of your situation. But your mind is working on them and while suicide is one option it is just one and there are often many options to a problem. So I am sensing that at your core, despite how hard this person has tried to erode your self worth, deep down you know you are worthy of someone who loves and treats you well. I believe that, too. And I hope you can communicate with someone you trust to help you find your way out of that house and that toxic relationship. I want you to know that I will answer you and listen.

  10. I am so sorry about your son. You have done such an admirable thing by trying to reach out to help those who might be in a similar emotional position to that which he was in. Thank you for doing this.

    I have been struggling for a long time now – I am quite a bit older than your son was (I am 29) and I find it sad to see people so young believing that they have no meaning, no potential, no light in the world (when they do have it, but they’re blinded by the darkness of depression). I don’t know how much longer I can go on; I am single (significant breakup last year) unhappy and unfulfilled in my job which I am not much good at. I am a dark cloud on my family and remaining friends and I do not feel I have many close connections anymore. I know they would suffer if I decided to go, and I don’t want to inflict that upon them, but I suffer so much every day. I feel so lonely.

    I am trying to make things better; I have been having therapy since last August, but it is hard to see how my situation/life will improve. I think that suicide is always a tragedy, particularly with those who are young, like your son was, and I feel so much sympathy for the families of those who are left behind. However, do you not think that as people get older, it becomes more and more justified? The chance for things to improve and change decreases more and more as one ages, and though it is possible one could still do great things, and achieve satisfaction, joy and peace, it becomes statistically less probable as we age – if this is true (and I believe it is) then for those of us struggling to find meaning, joy and connection, suicide becomes increasingly reasonable and rational as a decision (though at no point does it stop being a tragedy).

    Nevertheless, thank you for reaching out to younger people who are struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. You are doing such a valuable thing in this world, and the world is lucky to have someone who is doing so much good, despite immense emotional difficulty. Thank you.

    1. Pete, I talk to people of all ages. The oldest that I know was 83 and the youngest that I know, 8. You ask some tough questions. And here, we don’t judge. So you asked, “However, do you not think that as people get older, it becomes more and more justified? The chance for things to improve and change decreases more and more as one ages, and though it is possible one could still do great things, and achieve satisfaction, joy and peace, it becomes statistically less probable as we age.”

      I don’t ever think it’s statistically less probable. But that doesn’t mean the feelings don’t wear you down.

      Here’s what I’ve found. There is a lady named Debbie who posted on this site for years. She struggled so much. I never gave up hope but it looked unlikely she would survive. She now comes back about every six months and gives me an update. She did attempt and for a while, after she still struggled but her will to live returned. Then got better although it was not fast. But when she comes back, she states she is glad she lived. I didn’t “save” her. She saved herself. All I did is listen and respond and let her know I cared. I get that it beats you down and it’s hard to keep fighting. And my intention of doing the video really wasn’t to “guilt” those struggling although to some they see it that way. I don’t even know now if the video is the right message but it was one from my heart so I’ve left it. I cried the whole time I was making it.

      I can’t help but want you to live so you can rekindle and find joy in your life again. Because I have seen it happen over and over and over. Why wouldn’t that success story be you? Why wouldn’t your story someday serve as someone else’s survival guide? So we really don’t know that it WON’T be you who does improve. With every “Why me”” that pings in my head, I have to counter with “Why not me?” I respect your opinion and read and reread your thoughts. I understand and appreciate your points and I have to say you must be one freaking strong human being to have endured as you have. So I don’t know the answers. But I do know that we need people like you in this world. I feel you are the glue that will keep us together as humans.

  11. Pretty annoyed that this came up as a result on Google. There is such a thing as rational suicide and some of us do not want to be forced into living a life of constant pain to alleviate others’ guilt: their grace in allowing us a peaceful death would be much less selfish. Instead we have to choose between living in constant pain or taking the risk and indignity of using brutal unpredictable methods as well as the possibility of surviving a suicide with an even worse physical or mental disability.

    1. Thank you for speaking your truth, Sylvia. I think there are a number of those who struggle who feel as you do. And some who really want to tell and get help. In a book I just wrote for the education market with a researcher, she suggested we remove the “irrational” qualifier as part of the explanation for just the reasons you explained. I appreciate your commenting.

        1. No shit. Like I need extra guilt right now. Shame on you – using your son as some kinda cross to carry for attention. Even the tag you used shows your character. Shameful. How about supporting right to die so people don’t need to die alone. You damned well had chance to know if son was in pain- you hose to ignore. Now you post videos and public speak to get ur attention. Big surprise. So many people like you it turns my stomach

          1. I also don’t think it is fair to criticise Anne for her attempts to make a difference, her intentions are good and if they help one person then her efforts are worth it.

    2. Sylvia, I agree with you. I have been living in mental anguish 24×7 for over 2 years. I am so tired of meds, and trivial therapy efforts. Without going into details of my situation, I simply want to exit, peacefully. I have tried to exit dozens of times in the last 2 years, but can’t. The methods are so brutal, and the risk of surviving so scary. Those who want us to live, are well intentioned, but they don’t understand how much suffering they perpetuate by not understanding us. I, like you, just want to exit. We’re not interested in going on. I am certainly not. I’m not going to magically get better, and I don’t want to work at trying to get better. I am a mature adult, and I just want the dignity and compassion of others, to understand and support my choice, whether they agree with it or not. Now, I am go out one more time, to try and end things through a most unimaginably brutal method. I have done this hundreds of times in the last 2 years, to no avail. This is not living, this is hell. Prevention and help for those suffering should continue, but also respect, compassion, and dignity should be extended to those who want out. There’s no future for me that I will look back on these days, and say “wow, that was close”. I wish others could understand this. You’re not alone. Prevention efforts are good, but not for everyone, and not for an indefinite period of time.

      1. Judith- I’m so sorry it’s this brutal and it sounds as if it’s worn you down over the years. I have learned not to pass judgment and I only wish I could sit with you and share some of the burdens of your pain. I can’t possibly understand how this feels day after day. While I’ve had moments of extreme pain and certainly losing my own child to suicide was agony for many years, it isn’t the same and I don’t pretend it is. Thank you for commenting.

  12. Sometimes all the help, love, and support in the world are not enough to heal a heart in so much pain and a mind that is already dead.

    1. I remember telling myself and my suicide loss support group that we wish our love was enough to prevent suicide. Thinking it does illustrates a complete misunderstanding of what suicide is.

      I am so sorry the pain is that intense and it has to be unbearable. But you were able to type out this message and that alone is pretty remarkable that you’d be struggling like you were or are and managed to do that. What do you think triggered this attack of brain pain? And are you here today?

      1. I’m here today, (that was so hard to type out without breaking down). I can’t say it’s a single thing there’s been so much thorough out my life that each and every day has become a struggle to keep breathing from beyond the tight grip on my throat and soul. Thank you for your time and words they kept me going one more day when all I wanted to do was let go of all the pain.

        1. I’m so grateful and honored you came back to update me. I knew it had to be hard to write while in suicidal intensity. As much as you hurt, your words and how you express yourself is so beautiful. “I can’t say it’s a single thing there’s been so much thorough out my life that each and every day has become a struggle to keep breathing from beyond the tight grip on my throat and soul.” I hope you write more and I will say that when you are in pain, sometimes that’s when your best work happens. Given that you have some ambivalence about dying, would you be willing to tell a friend about how you feel?

          1. I don’t know what to say but everyday I’m sad, I always want to cry. I feel like people not take me serious. I feel like I’m dumb and idiot. I just want to disappear

            1. Oh Celia. It must feel awful. I’m so sorry. You sound like you are in a deep state of depression. I think it’s important you talk to someone, a trusted adult. Can you tell someone at school? And there is a crisis text line 741-741 if you are in USA or Canada. How long have you felt this way?

              1. It’s been many years that I’m like that and I can’t escape. Nobody really loves me. I have nobody to talk to. I wanna disappear but I don’t want to hurt my mom, she’s the only person who really love me, she will do anything for me so I’m staying but it’s very hard. I’m always thinking about killing myself.

                  1. I know that my mom will die for me. She always so kind, lovely, affectionate with me. I know she loves me. She always want to help me, make me smile but I don’t know why I reject her sometimes. Maybe because I just want to be alone, I’m exhausted. I don’t know I’m weird

                    1. Do you think you are trying to keep her from finding out how you feel? Could that be a reason you sometimes push her away? Fighting those feelings all by yourself in your own brain is exhausting. I’ll share a blog post here from a young man who is now in college. This is what helped him. And thank you for sharing those traits you love about your mom. It does help me to hear them.
                      From Desmond, 21 years old.

                      From Lauren, 20 years old.

  13. hi I’m sorry to bother you but I’ve been having a hard time lately with suicidal thoughts and I’m afraid I might do something bad…

            1. You can start off by telling her you are very nervous. But give yourself a few minutes, take some deep breaths and focus on your breathing. If you slow your breathing it does calm your nervous system. You can do this. Let me know how it goes. I’m here, OK?

              1. It was ok I guess. I don’t really feel like she knew how serious I was and since I was at school it was easy to gloss over. I don’t really know what to do… I can’t get sent to the hospital because I don’t want to be a financial burden for my parents and I need to be able to pay for college if I live that far… I don’t know what to do now

              2. It was ok I guess. I don’t think she really understands how serious I am because I know that I’m probably not gonna end up going through with it and I was at school so it felt like less of a safe place… I don’t know what to do… I don’t want to and I can’t get sent to the hospital because I don’t want to be a financial burden for my parents and I need to be able to pay for college if I make it that far… I don’t know what to do but I don’t feel like I can keep myself super safe…

                1. OK. Clearly your therapist is naive. If you are not alive college won’t happen. I see what your passion is in your email address (that I will keep private). I want you to realize that dream. I am so sorry you got that response. I am actually angry with your therapist because she has let all of us down. In those suicidal moments, you don’t always have complete control over the moment and we need to keep you safe from suicide. Can you tell a teacher or school counselor? And by the way there are often resources that are low cost and they will do an assessment prior to making a judgement of whether you go to a hospital. That’s usually a last resort. This is quite treatable outside of a hospital setting. I will call your school and counselor if you want me to. You want to live. And I want you to live. For that to happen we need to get you the support you need.

    1. Take a deep breath, be direct snd say it right away. “I have been struggling with thoughts of killing myself. I am scared to tell and scared of those thoughts. I need help.” Just understand you will be nervous and accept it. This is very important and you will feel proud of yourself for following through.

      I am not sure how you get in touch right now because of covid. If you are in online learning you can send a chat privately. If your school has a tip line you can use that but make sure to list you name and grade. If you are in person you can write it and hand the note to your teacher. Let me know if you are doing online learning and if it’s through google so I can help.

      1. okay thank you and i go in person i am planning to tell my ela teacher through google docs if you want i can telll you what school i go to or i can share with you through goole docs

            1. How sweet of you to ask. Really well. I just spoke at a conference regarding youth suicide prevention and my interactions with so many thoughtful young people on this site has offered me so much insight to share with adults on how to engage more effectivelyl with young people like yourself.

                1. Sleep is super important. And you are right that you need more. My older son likes the app, headspace. He says mindfulness from that app helps him relax. But look up “sleep etiquette.” And that list of things will help. After my son’s death, it was so hard to sleep. But I used mindfulness and all the things on the sleep etiquitte list and it improved. Thanks for coming back Tiffany. You can do this.

                  1. i know and so far things are going okay i am going to an eye opointment in march and i have a detest apointment next friday and i know sleep is important also how is your book going sorry for not replying as much i have been at school but it is now the weekend oh by the way the reason why I don’t respond as mush durring the week is because i don’t want other kids finding out

                    1. I can understand all that. Don’t worry about replying as much as concentrating on your own health. Book is going great. It’s all written and now it’s the editor’s job which is a good feeling. You are such a thoughtful and compassionate person. And I know you will do what it takes to get better. That process you are going through now is making you stronger. It feels like suffering but try to think of it as growing, learning and healing.

                    2. ok and i am doing okay i told my friend and she let my english teacher and they are worried about me witch i don’t want to worrie them

                    3. It’s good to get support when you need it, though. One day you can help someone else which is called “paying it forward.” But when you allow your friend and teacher to help and support you, it makes them feel good. So it’s OK.

                  2. i know but i think they need to know the past and what happened over summer i can try to share a google dox to you and my teacher it would explain why i am not use for getting sleep and not eating much

    2. Assuming if you are learning online I also reached out to a school teacher I know to find out ways to tell or call if you are doing school this way. I didn’t say your name or any of that.

  14. hey anne well earlyier today i got in trouble for nothing and i am starting to get more hungery snd thirsty and i have been sneaking a bit of food and drinks in my room and i almost got caught and i am starting to hate beging at home because at school i feel more safe and less scared and i haven’t been getting much sleep latly

    1. Sleep is so important. And COVID with parents and family members being in such close contact for so often is really difficult. I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this, Tiffany. I’m honored you have chosen to tell me about them. And I hope it helps to write it out and tell someone who cares.

            1. You are welcome. I was so worried about you and admire how brave you are in reaching out for help. Thank you for helping me understand how hard it is during covid and working through some solutions. Thank you for trusting me, replying to me, and for talking to someone. Come back and talk to me any time, OK? You are worth it.

                1. I’m doing OK. I am writing a book for teachers about students and it’s been very hard to write but I am almost done! Two more days. I’m glad to hear things are better. It’s hard to start a new school. Tell me what is working for you and what has helped.

                    1. Wow. You are developing a toolbox of coping skills you can use whenever things get hard. Because life can go really well and then you hit a bad patch and it seems hopeless but those strategies you listed help you manage and grow through those tough spots and get to good times again. I appreciate your help and will use your ideas as examples for others your age.

  15. well i don’t know witch teacher i trust but i used to know a teacher i trusted and i can’t tell him because i moved and i don’t know witch teacher to tell and i don’t know witch teacher i trust more also there is 7 teachers that i know.

    1. I understand your feeling unsure which might also make you feel frustrated. I would choose an English teacher or an art teacher. The reason why is because many students will write or draw about their suicidal thoughts and other experiences they are struggling with. So they’ve seen it before. Where do you live? Not your address just your city and state. The reason I ask is that many states have trained their teachers.

  16. Anne can you help me? well i am planing to hang myself next week because my grandma lechers me for no reason my whole family wants me to be like my sister my sister has been calling me a selfish brat when i am not then at school peole say to kill myself or that i am fat and stupid and others spreed rumers about me and talk about me behind my back. My mom and the rest of my family thinks that i am lazy and they mainly do things with my sister more and they keep on forgetting about me and i don’t know how to tell my mom that i have been cutting my wrist and not eating a lot. My grandma has banned me to have a drink like a glass of tea at the table so now i have been only getting 2 glasses of tea one for my pills and the other one i have to sneak because last time when i got caught getting a glass of tea i got in trouble and my mom doesn’t know and i tried to commit suicide a couple of times the first time i tried to stab myself near the neck but i stopped before it got to my neck the second time i had a sharp knife and i was close on killing myself but i heard my older brother coming so i had to hide the knife and pretended that i just had woken up and i figuerd this time why not try hanging myself.

    1. Hey Tiffany. It did work. The comments are just held in moderation for me to approve. I feel your despair and pain. It breaks my heart you are suffering so much. You mentioned a brother. Are you all close?

      1. Well we are kinda close but not really he works a lot and he sleeps all day so we don’t really spend time together and if we do spend time together we mainly play board games.

        1. My son Charles loved board games. So would you be willing to share your issues with a teacher? School counselor? What I am getting at is can you connect with a trusted adult? I am relieved you answered by the way.

          1. I can try and i used to trust an ela teacher but i moved so i don’t know what teacher i trust cause there is 7 teachers that i know and i don’t know witch one i trust more.

            1. So here is a guide that helps you choose someone. But do choose one very soon, please. I don’t want you to go through another episode without support and help. I can tell you are motivated and you have the courage because you are answering here. You are a strong young lady. I’m here, OK? Most teachers are taught to listen and to then confer with a school counselor. You can ask that the teacher be in that meeting and be there when she talks to the counselor. And you need to be very honest with the counselor on what your home environment is like. The article is below to help you choose someone. You can come back and let me know what’s happening. I will answer. OK? You are not alone.

  17. I’ve attempted 4 times and im considering attempting again seriously everything hurts, I’ve not long started suffering from PTSD which is making everything worse i just want to die but i don’t want to not consider other options

    1. Oh Stephen I am so sorry to you have struggled so. I can feel your despair and do wish I was sitting with you now to at least offer human comfort during a difficult episode. What triggered this episode do you think?

      1. I can’t even think straight starts in a day..I can’t try to kill myself right..? I’m too much of a fucking coward I can’t even hang myself properly and even if I attempted my family would be mad at me….and tell me I’m just trying to make my aunt feel bad for taking a tablet or I “just don’t want to go to school” im so tired of living with this family, telling me I won’t end up killing myself because they think im scared. What does it matter if i don’t want to go to school im gonna kill myself before I get the chance to build up and entire life just for it to go straight in the garbage, I mean I seriously wasn’t even supposed to make it to age 12, and I’m so disappointed I did…I can’t ever do anything right, I have to be picture perfect just so i dont get yelled at like im 5, my therapist somehow always finds a way to pert with my family and never me…..I have atypical anorexia, body dysmorphia, severe depression, PTSD, OCD, and my anxiety is worse then ever..I wake up nervous and its all my fault…if only i’d never said anything about overdosing I would have never been hospitalized..I should have just overdosed at school its not like anyone would notice…they never did. they never even noticed me walking down the halls unless I was making a fool of myself…never once was I asked to hang out or take pictures…never once was somethign GOOD said about me…all i hear is that I’m annoying and weird and so and so would never like a person like me,, and I should go and kill myself because the world would be better off without me, and im never aloud anything I want, that I can use to express myself, I cant wear this but I can wear that, & I don’t deserve to eat and i eat everything up in the damn house.. being here is so exhausting,, im sorry I cant be perfect, but im not fighting this urge anymore. IM going to do it. One way or another, whether its slitting my wrist or hanging myself or overdosing…my happiness is down the drain…because I did drugs my life must be over huh…Im all over the place, I cant see my girlfriend anymore..she was the only thing keeping me alive…now she’s gone

        1. Oh Twylia, this is a good rant. I’m so glad you let all that out of your head and put it in this comment. I’m so grateful you shared yourself so graciously, and so emotionally naked.

          I read how you feel you are a mess. Take a deep breath or lots of them. Don’t worry about all of these things all at once. Just today, think about how to save yourself from suicide. That’s the only problem you need to worry about right now. Girls your age are so mean. I’m so sorry about that. It does our gender no favors. If only the whole lot of them could look ahead ten years and understand how hurtful their actions were back then. And I wish you could look ahead and see how utterly awesome it is to be different, and original instead of just one of the mean girls that can’t make a move without being in their “pack.” All wearing the same brands, none of them ever able to change their hair without wondering if their friends will like it. That’s not you I bet

          Think about how you survived all you have. What courage that has taken. I hear you saying you are sick of it. Hell, I’d be sick of it. But I’m also amazed and impressed with the courage it took to manage all that. To make it this far. Something got you through so far? What is it do you think?

      2. Please help me, I just want the pain to stop, im just 11 years old but we have a gun in a safe. I have learned the code to unlock it. I just hope this doesnt affect my family, goodbye.

  18. Anne I am so sorry for what you have gone through with your son, I cannot imagine how painful it must be. I know you have dedicated a lot of time into supporting people like me who are suicidal and you are a wonderful soul for this, however, the problem is that even when you tell people how you feel and cry out for help nobody helps you. It is not until you are dead that they realise they should have done more. I know it is nobodies responsibility to stop you but I feel as though nobody is there for me or wants to help me and it makes me think I am a burden to everyone. I am desperate to die but maybe I am just desperate for someone to care.. I don’t know.. either way I will hang myself very soon

    1. You have a point. That is how some react to a direct cry for help. It’s why I’m a speaker and do so many presentations to schools, parents, conferences, and more. I’m so sorry people have not taken you seriously. Just know that I am and I do. And you clearly feel so much despair and I am sorry for that. I do care. And COVID has made it difficult for people to connect. Is there any way you can meet with a friend or two friends outside? For a hike or something? Connection helps so much. So if you have reservations about it, put off the decision. Because it’s final. So you might plan it for a day and once it gets to that point, you are afraid and who wouldn’t be? Then make a new date. You want to be absolutely sure. Come back and talk/comment at any time.

  19. What a stupid website. You aren’t helping anyone. This just wastes people’s time and makes them want to double down. I guarantee that there have been people seriously considering suicide, and this website was the last straw that made them do it.

  20. Lmao. What a fucking joke. Imagine repeating everything you typed on here, looking someone dead in the face who has a brain tumor, no money, no family, no friends, and sever depression. L. M. A. O.

    You people who have shit to live for and the means to do it will never fucking understand what it’s like.

    Fuck you. Have a terrible year for trapping people with this kind of shit. Suicide hotline and crap. What a mockery. Those people just fucking hang up on you. God, I hate you types who think you can just save people with no more hope.

    1. Well I do have a brain tumor (I’ve had it since 1999). My brother is in the hospital for the last six weeks and not expected to recover. I am currently caring for my 86 year old mother who is destroyed over the fact that my brother makes no sense and dying a slow and ugly deatgh. And we have to put our dog down tomorrow (my son’s dog.) That’s on top of having lost my son to suicide. So you’re not getting a video from someone who has a rosy perfect life. And while I got lucky during COVID and my husband did not lose his income (I did, however) I have had my turn in the past when I had to sell everything in my house to be able to afford care for my son. So I have been at the bottom and I know how I felt when I was and I’ve never forgotten it.

      What I do understand is that you are angry because you are hurting. And this page pissed you off. I am sorry about that. It wasn’t my intention. I don’t take it personally even if you meant it to be. What’s happening now sucks. And that you are a victim of it and it feels like you are buried with issues from health to finances. And I’m hearing that you are struggling with depression at the same time. How could you not be? So vent away. If you are typing and yelling at me then you are not killing yourself. And for that I’m grateful. I hope you respond.

      1. Much respect Anne! I’m sorry for everything you have gone through and are still going through. Your reply to that person who is clearly hurting so much, is very moving and compassionate! I just found your page here scrolling the internet for things related to how much I myself am suffering right now. I just want to say that you made me lean more towards wanting to keep trying, to not give up. Because, Love.. Thank you for serving the world, thank you for your Love. It matters. It makes a difference. It made a difference to me to witness..take great care.

        1. That’s just about the sweetest note I’ve ever gotten. Thank you for taking the time to write it and post it. And if you want to tell me what might be driving your depression or despair, I’m here to listen. Because we all need someone to listen and connect.

        2. I just want to add, yes, I did in fact find your page here by typing in the search engine ‘ how to hang yourself’.. 🙁
          Feeling all kinds of feelings right now..
          Thank you for this!! I’m glad your page showed up for me, and that I read your reply to that really intense post ..

          1. I’m glad it did, too. And I’m glad you have found the strength to keep fighting even in the face of such despair. Do know that what you are going through now has a purpose and that is emotional healing. I never thought I’d survive my son’s suicide. I just kept telling myself I would and so I did.

    2. jeez man, the reason you found this site is because you’re depressed. Don’t be cruel to someone who has a dead child

      1. Hey. You had quite a run of it last night. You OK today? I couldn’t approve all of the comments as they can be too disparaging for those who are in a vulnerable state. Some do lash out in anger and given how badly they feel, I don’t take it personally. Thank you for your understanding of my pain and loss of my son. But I also want to know how you are today.

    3. Thank you!! I have lost everything and everyone. I have no job no hope for being able to find one. My family is dead my friend is forgot I exist and my kids are taken from me. At this point in life I’m burden on the economy and the burden on the people who have to deal with me and have no way to help me other than listen and judge me well I appreciate that some people have something to look for and I’m not normally an advocate of suicide I honestly can say I have nothing left to fight for or contribute.

      1. I’m sorry it’s so bad right now. Thank you for posting here. If you want to tell me about you before all that has happened to you, I’d love to listen. I’m also here if you want to talk more about your despair and how you are feeling.

  21. Yeah! You see, that’s all well and good, right? Reaching out, telling people! But what if they DON’T FUCKING LISTEN! There in lies the problem! People don’t see the signs, they don’t listen and, more than all of that – THEY DON’T FUCKING CARE!

    But thank you and I am genuinely sad for the loss of your beautiful young son. That is truly awful.

    Sending love, light and healing!

    1. I am sorry you feel people don’t care. And I’m so sorry you are hurting and thank you for your condolences. That means a lot. Can you tell me what leads you to think that people don’t care? I’d love to hear your thoughts on that.

  22. I am guessing you are so angry because you don’t feel well yourself. I’m sorry about that. I would never describe someone with substance use disorder as a “junkie.” He did not die by overdose. Tell me what drove you to search for this page?

  23. I stumbled soon your site, and I am very sorry for your loss and pain.
    I’m sure that very last thing you son wanted was you hurt by his decision.

    1. I agree Steve. In that extreme moment of pain he thought we’d be better off without him. That was not the case but I know now from posts and comments from all of you here, that that’s what his brain was telling him. More than anyone, people like you who have posted here have helped me understand my son’s pain and help me understand it. Thank you for taking the time. Let me know how you are doing today.

      1. Just found your story and as I do want to end my life the only thing that stopped me was as I was going to do this my sons relationship with his partner had just broke up and they had just given me a granddaughter , but now he is happy again I can’t see me seeing 2021 in,,all the thoughts are back as he don’t need me

        1. I am so sorry you feel such despair, Keith. It has to be really hard to fight those thoughts. You really are so courageous to have survived them as it sounds like you have fought them for a while. If you don’t mind, tell me about your son and your new granddaughter if you would. Can you describe your son and granddaughter?

  24. You’re an angel. Tonight I was close , I looked at tpyiure son Charles , I watched you talk and I felt some comfort. Thank you my angel.
    United Kingdom

  25. I am from the UK and I happened to come across this in searching how to hang myself, people like you make me believe there are is still some good in the world and you are that angel I needed tonight, what a selfless person to dedicate you’re time to us lost souls. Thank you so much

    1. That is one of the sweetest and most thoughtful comments I have ever gotten. Thank you. Taking a screenshot so I can use it. And please let me know how you are now. I hope you are safe from suicide.

  26. Hello,

    I just found this when searching on info on how to hang myself. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a 32 year old man from sweden who’s planning on doing this myself tonight. I’m not writing this to get some comfort or make you feel bad, but to give you a perspective on why people do what they do.

    My story starts in southeastern Europe where my first memory was formed, of us fleeing the war. We came to sweden and I had a decent time growing up. We were pretty poor, but always had food on the table, decent clothes and no one noticed anything off. I was always the happy kid. I loved astronomy, I had huge dreams and was just really outward.

    When I was about ten I witnessed my mom almost getting murdered. She survived, but it ruined me somehow. After that I started having panic attacks on a daily basis for years, but didn’t tell anyone. For some reason I thought I wasn’t allowed to tell people about how bad I felt. Like it was something wrong with me. Which in some sense there was.

    I came out of it, my panic attacks stopped. But instead I was put in a state of underlying permanent depression. Outwards I was highly social and functioning, but inside I always felt like I was useless and that my life wouldn’t get anywhere. While everyone else was going to uni, I didn’t even manage to pull high school of with decent grades. The first few years of my adult life I pretty much sat at my dads apartment playing games and reading. I dated some girl that was really bad for me for a while and drank a lot during the weekends with my friends.

    At 22 I woke up, got new energy and it looked like my life would turn around. I got an okay desk job at a big company that I stayed with for about a year and a half. I’d always had this entrepreneural spirit and lots of ideas, so I ended up getting an investment for an business idea that I had. It went to shit within two years. Oh well, lesson learned. About this time I had no idea what I was gonna do when an old friend of my calls med and invites me for a drink with him and some girls. This evening, I met the girl I thought was the love of my life. She was so much fun, cute and just seemed the opposite of me: alive.

    Fast forward about a year and I drop everything I do, take a loan of 5000€ and move to her city to try to start a new life. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy or had this much hope in my life. It was a brand new opportunity to start from scratch. We get an apartment, buy a dog, I get a job and on the side I work on my business ideas with dedication. Every night when she’s asleep I play some games while writing on my business plan. This time I get the idea of a lifetime, assemble a team, we raise over 1M euros in investments and I become what I’ve always dreamed of.

    We ran the company for three years then sold it to a competitor. We didn’t become millionaires, but we had some cash so we could boostrap or next venture. I had already planned what to do and we started building it. About a year in and with all my savings invested, including loans I had taken to make this come true. I find out the lead developer had lied to us all along and had no idea what he was doing. Everything we had done was worthless. We had tons of businesses ready to start using our platform when we found out. All that money was now lost and I didn’t have a penny to do anything about it. That’s when my mom reached out and asked me if I believed in what I was doing. I did, so she insisted on her taking on a loan to pull me out. Desperate and stupid as I was, I agreed.

    It wasn’t enough, we didn’t pull out. Infact things got much worse. My fiancee cheated on me, kicked me out of our home within a week and took our dog from me. I fell into a deep depression which made everything much much worse.

    While I’m writing this, I have no resources and I am hungry a majority of the time. I can’t even get a job due to corona. My life is over and I pulled the ones I love the most down with me. I’ve been trying to do everything I can to somehow pull myself out for the sake of my family and because I’m afraid of commiting suicide. But it’s impossible. I’ve ran out of time, hope and strength. It hurts so much to everyday be living like this and I can’t take the way people around me look at me. Just a while ago my mom called me and asked me why I am this way. Why is everything so fucked up. And I can’t answer her. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All my life I’ve lived with the best intentions for people around me and yet I managed to hurt the ones I loved the most.

    My point with all of this is, sometimes life just hands you a shitty deck. But deep down I know this wasn’t the case for me. I got a decent deck. I’m smart, I could’ve made a great life for myself. But I’ve always been afraid, ever since that day I almost saw my mom die I’ve been afraid of living. I used to be this naive kid who looked at the world as a place full of adventures and opportunity. I lost it and it got replaced with fear. All I know is fear. I’m afraid to make a phonecall, ask people for help, to sit on the subway and be observed by others. I’m tired of being afraid and I’m a huge burden for everyone around me. I know everyone will say “you’re not a burden” but it’s not true. I am a massive burden and I know it.

    At least when I’m gone, they won’t have to worry about me anymore. I truly hope you understand that your son loved you very much and that this was never what he wished for him or you. But sometimes you just can’t flee what life has in store for you.

    Much love to you Anne and all the loving mothers out there, you are the true miracles of this world.

    1. First of all, I can’t prevent what you are thinking of doing. God or superwoman is not on my resume. The only person who can truly save you is yourself. And to do that, you would have to ask for help. I think you owe it to your mom to give her that opportunity but that’s just my opinion as a mom. And it won’t be what she says although she loves you, it will be connecting you to some help. Because none of us are meant to do this alone. And corona sucks. I am so sorry for so much pain. I can understand how and why you feel that way. But I want to point out one thing. You have expressed doubt. And this is a huge step. A final one. I can’t stop you but since you have doubts, it makes sense to put it off and set a new date since you are unsure and have fear of how much it will hurt. Either way, I would like you to tell me about your mom. Since I’m a mom. Tell me what’s special about her.

      1. Thanks for your reply. She’s just a great mother. When my parents got a divorce she worked three jobs to keep us alive. One christmas she asked if I wanted gifts or nice food because we couldn’t afford both. I’ve never forgotten the dissapointment in her face when she said it. She’s always supportive and believed in me, even when she shouldn’t have. When she called me today, I heard the desperation in her voice, she wants answers to why I can’t turn things around. I’ve tried telling her that the problems have piled up so much that they’re suffocating me. I can’t pull myself out when I can’t even function properly most of the times. It’s like an endless spiral I can’t get out of. My financial problems consume me and to fix them, I need to function, which I can’t. Even if I did function, I think I’m to deep into it to dig myself out.

        I’ve tried everything over the past 2.5 years. Meds, meditating, working out 6 days a week, changing my perspective, new approaches, lowering my bars. No one wants me, it’s like I’m useless after all I’ve done. I can’t even get a basic job because there’s always someone more experienced in flipping burgers or whatever.

        I’m now 32. Once I was on the cover of magazines for being an innovator, now I’m sleeping at my dads couch (really) while he lives abroad, I can’t afford food, I worry everyone around me. I have no idea how I got here or how to pull myself out. I’ve tried buying myself time endless of times before. It all ends the same way, I just end up depressed and dissapointed again. I wish I could tell you I’m not doing it and that there’s hope. But there isn’t. The longer I wait, the more I see how the ones I love can’t see how much I’m hurting and how panicked I am over the situation I’m in. They’ll end up hating me either way.

        Tomorrow my dad is coming to visit and I can’t take another round of hearing what an useless human being I am for the situation I put myself and others in.

        Bless you and I truly hope you heal from the trauma you suffered.

        1. I will start by saying it’s the tribe I’ve created here that helped me find emotional healing. It was slow. Very slow. I I felt like the worst mother on the planet. I had no idea what to do or where to turn so I started by just telling myself I would survive, not having any idea how or what that would look like. Blind faith.

          I am so sorry everyone is making you feel so useless. But I do want you to understand that sometimes that tone you hear or that expression you see is more worry, and less disappointment. And people don’t understand that their comments make you more depressed. I try to tell the parents who reach out that those comments don’t help and encourage them to get help for themselves and get educated on mental illness like depression. I regret not telling my son, “As much as I want you to get well, I love you even if you don’t.” I think he needed to hear that.

          Thank you for telling me about your mom. What a fabulous mom she has been. You are a lucky man in that regard. And I’m honored you posted here and replied. Thank you for that.

        2. Dear S.
          My son completed suicide in April this year. His fiance had left him and we were in lockdown due to Covid. He was getting some grief at work and was thinking of getting another job. He has two children, now 12 and 9. He is loved so much by his family and those two precious kids. The night he died, I found him. I can tell you, that no matter how useless or hopeless he felt, or that we would be better off without him, he was wrong!! He died and I might as well have died with him. My life has lost all meaning and nothing, nothing on earth would have made me feel better off without my son. I would have done anything to help him, if he had let me know how bad he was feeling. I beg you not to take your life. You have a mum who loves you and I promise you, she wants you alive. I know you think you have reached rock bottom, but you can crawl out of that hole and climb up. Your mum deserves you to live. You deserve to live

            1. I hope you tell someone how you are feeling. You deserve support. I’m so sorry you feel such despair. Thank you for commenting. I’m so grateful you have a great mom

              1. I don’t know who to talk to Anne. I would never burden my mum with my problems, she doesn’t deserve that, although I know she would listen to me all day.

                1. Well think about this. So I’m a mom. I’d give ANYTHING if my son had said he was struggling with suicide. It would have given me a chance to help him when he called that last time. I would have recognized and understood what that despair I felt meant. But I didn’t becuase he’d never mentioned it. I believe he thought the same thing as you. It took me years to stop blaming myself for my son’s suicide and although I have forgiven myself and understand that I can’t control the actions of another person, there is still that nagging feeling and a piece of it always will be with me.

                  So many here tell a parent who dismisses them for no other reason than they feel the child would never do that. Yours isn’t like that. How do you think she’d feel if you never told her and then you died by suicide? I totally understand your fear and not wanting to “burden” her. That’s your depression talking–actually lying to you. So I think your mom is a great person to talk to and here is a link to how you can tell.

                  So if you cannot bring yourself to tell your mom, make a list of another trusted adult you can speak with–coach, school counselor, music teacher, teacher, Godparent, friend’s mom, friend’s dad. Next you need an assessment and then a psychological evaluation. From there you will get a care plan to help alleviate or eliminate these thoughts. Treatment is possible. Not only that thriving is probable. I can help you brainstorm someone else to tell. Let me know what you are willing to do. And you can be totally honest.

      1. Lots of times I never know. I sure hope not. I think many people don’t even remember coming here and posting a comment because of the state of despair they were in at that time. But more people ponder it than actually die by suicide. That I do know.

        And several people have come back months and even years later and expressed that they have worked through things or are working through things. Debbie is one of them. She struggled so much–on and off for over a year. But she did survive and it was so amazing to hear that. And I get comments from hundreds of people that they didn’t from facebook, YouTube, and email through the contact form. They will say I saved their life but the truth is they saved their own life and just needed one human to listen and respond. I do keep every one of those comments anyway because they give me hope. And when I’m hurting from the pain of grief, I open that file and read them. That’s my own confession.

  27. Hi I just found your website. Im sorry you lost your son, after reading about him I can relate a lot to him. He was a year older than me, Im also a musician and (recovering) heroin addict. Ive felt like I haven’t wanted to be alive for the longest time and I wish I could say its getting better but it isn’t. I don’t want to burden anyone but Im so tired. I was taken away from my parents when I was 4, they were drug addicts and I saw a lot of violence in the first few years of my life. I went to live with my dad’s mother, joined on and off by my dad. Hes been clean and owns his own home since 2008. My mother didn’t try to stay clean and pretty much abandoned my siblings and I. I rejected her apologies and she died 2 years ago in the midst of my heaviest heroin use. When I was 12 I was sexually assaulted and it totally changed me. I became withdrawn and depressed, started using drugs the next year in 8th grade and was bullied by my former friends until i tried killing myself for the first time. In the hospital i met who would one day become the love of my life. I followed her around like a lost puppy and still do to this day. We fell out of contact on and off but after comikg back in contact when we were 18 I decided I wanted to be with her forever and proposed. She said yes and that we were soulmates! I was so happy. Unfortunately, it was too soon and she had an affair. I was crushed and tried to forgive her but eventually I started using pills and eventually heroin again. She kicked me out after finding my pills and then had to get her appendix removed. In the hospital she found out we were going to have a baby and because of my addiction she was too scared to have it and had an abortion. I was devastated because we had always talked about having a loving family that we both never had as kids. I would have stayed clean and worked so hard to take care of them. This led to me moving into a truck with a friend and bandmate, selling LSD and other drugs from my state to California and sinking deeper into heroin and meth use. I came back hoke in 2017 after accidentally overdosing and dying on heroin cut with fentanyl (I also think i met God but thats another story) and we tried to make it work again. I was clean but she didn’t trust me and didn’t want to commit fully and i kept eventually relapsing because everyone thought i would anyway. After a serious of events led to me becoming homeless I was either going to kill myself or get clean. I went to rehab. After rehab I moved back in with her and got my health insurance license in 2019. I worked at my agency for 8 months before being let go. During this time we weren’t together romantically and she met a coworker who she is dating to this day. Im happy for her but it was so hard to move on when he was over, hes younger and tbh i don’t care for him not just for that reason but because hes just off. Even her friends don’t understand. And because her family thinks of me as family and I don’t have anyone in state they are letting me stay here until I get a place. I still don’t have a job but am getting a substantial inheritance from my grandfather in a few months. Its not a million dollars but its enough to get my life started and be set for life. I should be grateful buy Im so tired. Its not going to change the fact that I lost my best friend and soulmate, that I failed everyone. That Im alone and unlovable, and always will be. I don’t have the energy to fight on but I don’t want to go to hell or make my dad sad. I just don’t want to feel this way. Medication doesn’t help me and neither was neither does therapy. The only thing that did was heroin but the lifestyle cost me my soulmate. But I don’t regret it, it got me through some dark times. Now its gone too. Im so sorry for posting this long rant, Im just at the end of my rope and wanted to share how I feel in case anyone else understands me. I love you all and wish I could take away all of our pain

    1. God I hope you are still here. You have been through hell. And I read every last word by the way. “i kept eventually relapsing because everyone thought i would anyway.” That beaks my heart and it’s our culture that does inspire more relapses. Our lack of support. But I am rooting for you. Because you have a heart of gold. You are empathetic and capable of love which are qualities I Thai k make a wonderful human being. And that’s the part that I am hearing. What I don’t think you give yourself credit for is having survived a lot of stuff. A lot. Something other than heroin got you through all of those. You really are a warrior and have incredible survival skills.

      I am not going to tell you it will get better because I don’t know that. However if you say or think it won’t that sets up a situation that makes it harder to find it. But given your state of mind when you wrote this your brain would block all that anyway. And it’s no wonder you suffer from depression. The lack of connection right now makes everything harder. But you are clean. I hope you get your depression treated. That will be essential to your health. So your gf or former gf is not married with a family? Tell me more about her.

      1. Thank you so much. I do feel a little better after typing it all out, i don’t think i processed a lot of the things I’ve been through. Ive been treated for depression, I just haven’t found one that works yet. My ex isn’t married, she has dated other people on and off but I don’t think she wants to marry anyone. I should separate myself from her more but shes my best friend in the world and I don’t want to get that close to someone else. But I recognize its probably not healthy

        1. Chris- Who’s to say it’s unhealthy to be close to her still? I think cutting off all communications if she is keeping in touch would not be good for you right now since she has been a support. Who knows how that might play out. And I’m glad it helped to write it all out. It always helps me. That’s why there are 1,600 blog posts on this site, 95% of which are written by me. Writing was one of my strategies (that’s why I wrote a book). Support group, giving back, and exercise were the others. And then there were some little strategies like stopping to notice something beautiful which most of the time for me had something to do with the sky and clouds. I still can’t believe how you have persevered. You really are a very strong person. Thank you for posting here. Thank you for your trust.

  28. I am at my wits end. My health is bad, kidneys and heart bad shape. I know I would be better off being gone, but I know it would extremely hurt my wife and patents. I just want to end all things. But I’m stuck because if I do it she won’t get my life insurance cash.
    So here I am, waiting to end, and knowing I can’t for the love of my wife and family. Hopefully my heart will give out soon.

    1. M- What a difficult place to be. I’m so sorry you are suffering and have such challenging health issues. You sound like a really good person who loves his family. Tell me a little about your wife.

  29. Admittedly (and obviously) not what I came here for, but I read through so many of the suicidal comments that you too have had to read through.

    I don’t want to add to that.

    Instead I will just let you know that whilst you do come across as a strong person, someone out there acknowledges how emotionally draining it must be to respond to so many comments talking about the very thing your son was taken away from you by.

    It can be difficult for a lot of people to be supportive of friends and family, let alone strangers- which isn’t a fault of their own, everybody has stressors because that’s what living is.

    I hope you don’t guilt yourself into replying to all the comments because you feel like it’s on you to save everyone. Even if you “want to be there”, that doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting. I hope you appropriately put your own wellbeing first.

    Happy Belated Halloween!
    I hope you have a good start to your week, and a restful following weekend.

    1. In your worst pain you are thinking of me. That shows how much empathy you have. I don’t feel it’s a burden but I can tell you that I have learned more from those with lived experience. It has helped me understand my own son’s pain and than trance-like moment that drove him to end it. And I know there are those here who have not made it. And others who have because I have heard from them years later. Now about you. You have to feel pretty bad to have ended up on this page. So I would like to know more about you.

  30. i really just hate this. i wanna die but i just cant handle pain. i literally act like a mean person thats a little crazy but thats just my persona. i literally have a strict mom and dad and brother that literally beat me for doing small things and even for crying. and my teacher gets mad at me for everything i do. she literally sent a song with a couple of curse words and she gets mad at me. im failing math and everything. im smart and dumb but i get bad grades because i just dont care anymore. i just want everything to stop the only way ill live in peace is when either everyone dies or i die. my teacher is also thinking about suspending me. i ruined everything. i cant even clean my own room it literally took 1 year to clean it up and its still a mess. the only way i find joy is through my online friends but my mom took it away. and now that i found a better coping methaoud im introuble. one of my other reasons i wanna die is because i want my parents , teacher , brother and everyone else to feel sad and know that their the reason i died. i know its selfish ad manipulitive but i dont care.

    1. It sounds like you are in a terrible place and don’t want to go on and that it feels like no one is on your side right now. Let’s not worry today about bad grades. I’m more concerned about your life and that’s your only job right now is to save yourself. That’s more important than a math grade. Do you agree? While I know this hurts and a temptation to end it all, there is a part of you that wants to live. I feel it. Does your school have a counselor? Is there a teacher with whom you do have a good relationship? (And not with the one you mentioned. That teacher is poison.) Any other adult you could reach out to? And finally, tell me some of the things you like to do when you are not depressed.

    1. I hear your anger and feel your pain although I could never really know it. I am sorry the page didn’t meet your expectations. I am sorry you are hurting so much you looked this up. I would like to know more about you and what you are struggling with. I can’t fix anything but I can listen/respond.

    2. I really thought I found a post to help – I have tried two overdoses and fairies both times and can’t bear the fuss it causes when I fail – I have asked my gp for help and also saw the crisis team Saturday but no support since – I have waited over three weeks for medication that’s as a vegan and I can take and both my pharmacist and the crisis team have promised to help me but no one has been in touch and I can’t bear my thoughts and want to die and do it properly – I’ve no idea how to hang myself but many people seem to manage it and I’m so I upset that this didn’t help me – I am also so sorry for your loss x

      1. Aslan’s Mom- I know when the pain hits as bad as it does, it can be a crushing blow to see that there are no directions here. It wasn’t my intention to disappoint. I am in disbelief that you have not gotten more support and help. But not shocked, unfortunately. They’d never treat someone who came in with a heart attack like that. And a suicidal episode is every bit as important and life-threatening. You are welcome to tell me more about yourself and your pain.

  31. Hi Anne, I happened to surface on to this post, because I was also trying to find methods in hanging myself. I still really do. I don’t understand why I was brought to this world. I question my existence everyday and can’t seem to get any better no matter how hard I try. I have had anorexia, binge eating disorder, and bulimia. I think my depression stemmed from my eating disorders and the idea of being skinny. I’m okay now, but food still scares me. I’m just beginning to be able to control my eating habits. Every day has been hell since march. I dont even know how Im alive right now. Quarantine made it worse; it made me develop more serious and harmful suicidal thoughts. Although I questioned my existence time to time before the pandemic, quarantine made me feel unexplainably worse. I still am in hell. I just want to be happy. Only one friend knows about my mental state right now. But I almost stopped talking to her, because I feel like such a burden. I thought after I tell someone, things will get better, but it really didn’t. All it did was ruin my relationship with my friend because of my anxiety.
    I dont think I can hold it in any longer. I want to run away from my home too. My dad has been jobless for a year now. Before, we lived too comfortably. He wasn’t home because he worked in Korea. He lost his job though, hoping to find a new one in America. But, the pandemic crushed his chance of doing so. My dad triggers all the little things that goes in my mind. He shouts and gets infuriated by the littlest things my siblings and I do. It’s to the point I’m scared to go downstairs to get a glass of water. He questions everything I do, triggers my eating disorders, makes me depressed, and makes me so, so mad. I hate him so much. If I could, I want to kill him first before I kill myself.
    I’m planning to commit the day before my ACT test. It’s my first time taking it and I haven’t been able to practice or study once. I give up after answering two questions. I’m so unmotivated and my mind just shuts down. I hate myself so much for it. I’m so frustrated because by the time I sit down at my desk, I break down and the day is already over. I’m so nervous and scared even thinking about. I go to sleep thinking about it and wake up dreading it. My dad threatened that he’s only going to allow me to take it twice. If I get below a 33 on my first try, I know I’m doomed. I need to get into a good college because my dad will hate me if I dont. I’m going to be a failure, I already am a failure. I’m just a piece of lifeless flesh that wastes everyones time and energy. So why not just die before I get even more emotionally drained?
    I feel so lonely every night. I want to talk to my friend but Im scared. All I do is cry. I feel so helpless and irrelevant. What is my point in life? Why is it so hard?

    1. Dear anonymous- First, forget that test. Cancel if you can. You have far more pressing issues right now and that’s your mental health. You will go to college and don’t let someone else dictate This right here is important: “I’m just beginning to be able to control my eating habits. Every day has been hell since march. I dont even know how Im alive right now.” Somehow you made it. What strategies helped you get here. And so many young people are struggling with isolation. And you have the added burden of a dad who is probably depressed. In his case it expresses itself with anger. You are a warrior if you made it through those eating disorders. You do know what that took to overcome all those voices in your head that go on in an eating disorder? How many of us could do that? But you did. With hard work. And, if you don’t kill yourself, things will change because change is always happening. It sucks now but no crisis lasts forever. And I’m sorry you can’t get out of your house more due to this pandemic and that your dad is making your life hell. Re-engage your friend. Tell her you are sorry you are such a mess but you are trying to work it out and need a friend. We’ve all been a mess at some point. I’ve been a mess many times in my life. I know you have the strength from what you’ve told me. There’s no way you could have made it through what you’ve been through without building a lot of resilence. If you are struggling, come back here. I will answer. If you need help at any time, text 741-741 if you are in US or Canada. And now tell me how you worked through what you have? Because that is freaking amazing what you have accomplished.

      1. my name is Amelia and im 13 and i was reading and im so so sorry for your lose well my friend is in a hospital because she committed suicide but I don’t know what she’s doing though but I’m praying for her every night and in the morning because I love her so much but yeah I’m trying to commit suicide do you have any advice as a mom because my mom left me when I was 1 years old and she only comes around when she wants something or money I am 13 and I live with my grandma sister .I’m going to say this again I’m so so sorry for your loss your son is one beautiful boy ever seen in my closet and i I tried hanging myself in my closet. and I was thinking to myself who would even care if I’m gone you know but can I have some advice because I have no Mom so please text me back up on my email

        1. Oh Amelia. It’s so hard when a friend attempts or dies by suicide. If you are a person who thinks about that, then someone else doing it does tend to trigger those who have been thinking that way. I’m so sorry you struggle with these thoughts. And your mom left such a delightful person like you? Please know it was something to do with her and not because of you. I hope you stay with us. Usually what helps to get you out of the mindset is to do some extreme exercise: Running, walking fast, biking. something else is dunking your face in ice water. Weird but it is apparently effective.

          Talking about it, writing about it also helps. Can you tell a teacher?

  32. Hi Anne,
    I’ve always been pretty sad and angry my whole life. When I was 9, I was taken away from my mom. She was arrested due to the influence of illegal drugs. I was…Just so, so sad. I would cry every day for her. I’d starve myself. Not only did I want to kill myself, I wanted to hurt everyone else around me. I waited for my mother. I lived with my aunt and uncle. It was awful. They’s yell at me all the time, making me feel worse. I would spend all day in my room, crying and talking to myself, planning how I’d kill myself and everyone else who hurt me. I was diagnosed with Schizophernia, psychosis, and depression. I would always hallucinate. I’d see my mother, talking to me. Now, I’m about to be 14 and I’m still sad because I’m still living with my aunt and uncle. They get mad at me for almost nothing. When I started writing letters about how I’d be better off dead, they yelled at me instead of actually talking to me calmly. That to me made everything worse.

    1. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that you have waited for your mom all that time. And while I understand your pain, I cannot say I know it. What agony you have endured. You are a warrior. It makes me cry to read this and think about you as a 9-year-old getting the treatment you have. You deserve love and affection. I wish I was with you now to give you a hug. I can also understand your anger and why you feel the way you do. Seriously, look at what you have endured. You do need a trusted adult and for that, look to a teacher or counselor at school. Literally, ask one of your teachers if they can be your trusted adult so you have someone to speak with. Tell me how you managed to survive up until now? How have you endured this?

      1. I would write everyday, just how I felt. After, I would go outside in middle of the night and burn my notes. I would draw how I would feel. If I felt sad, I would draw something depressing. If I was angry, I would draw something very sinister and evil. Thank you so much for the advice! I’m also “Nobody.”

        1. I don’t know that I can bring myself to call you “nobody.” I don’t think I can be that condescending to you. And as far as writing, that’s what I did! I wrote every day. And I still do. But I wrote on this blog. Interesting that you burned them. I am sure there was some release about that. But now you can’t look back at what you wrote. And drawing, too. Those are both very healthy coping strategies for your strong emotions. You thought of that? At your tender age with your broken heart? That’s remarkable. And here I am crying again. What an instinct of of survival. My dear you rock. You know you could write something for this site. I like to have all points of view here. Just think about it. But if you don’t want to, that’s OK.

            1. my name is Amelia and im 13 and i was reading and im so so sorry for your lose well my friend is in a hospital because she committed suicide but I don’t know what she’s doing though but I’m praying for her every night and in the morning because I love her so much but yeah I’m trying to commit suicide do you have any advice as a mom because my mom left me when I was 1 years old and she only comes around when she wants something or money I am 13 and I live with my grandma sister .I’m going to say this again I’m so so sorry for your loss your son is one beautiful boy ever seen in my closet and i I tried hanging myself in my closet. and I was thinking to myself who would even care if I’m gone you know but can I have some advice because I have no Mom so please text me back up on my email

    2. Hi, Ur life is so similar to what me and my 1st born suffered thru..At the age of 7 yrs old he was taken this was in the year 2000 he went to cps because my mom put me in jail and refused to keep my son..I ended up doing 9 months and during that time cps took my rights and my son eric was so lost he was placed in a group home and not even able to see me or say goodbye..He was in a froup home til he was 13 yrs old then he was adopted by a family that had 13 other kids and he suffered there to, at 16 yrs old they sent him to a group home to stay locked up til he was 18 yrs old…So when they ripped him outta my arms I grabbed his little pinky and told him to be strong and I pinky swore him no matter what I would find him and bring him home..I did just that the week he turned 18 yrs old I went and searched the small town I knew he was in and it took 3 days but I found him and he was so happy as I was..I know ur suffering and I know all about suffering and battling to keep breathing but I promise u dont give up please dont..This story of mine seems like it ends well but it doesnt..I spend 2013 to 2020 watching my son grow into a good man, we used these years to heal each other he married, I was so proud of him, thru me finding him and loving him it seemed his childhood trauma had healed..He has a 4 yrs old son a wife a beautiful life then sept 13, 2020 at 7:02 pm he hung himself and died..I remember the phone call it was just 43 days ago My hubby said I found Eric Im so sorry baby our son is dead and I fell to my knees and the screams and sobs that ripped thru my body were un human like…This has shattered me, no warning, no signs, no reason, no goodbye I talked to him a half hour before he did it and he was happy talking about what he wanted for his 26th bday which just a week away,,I am so broken and now struggling with not just giving up and going with him…So I know ur hurting, and I know u want to end it but please be strong..If I would known it would b the last time I woulda broke my heart in two trying to save a part of u…Thats a lyric I constantly say to my son whos no longer here..I really hope u dont just give up n die..With love Eric Christophers MAMA

      1. Wow you are one determined mother. And it is so very hard. I have learned so much about what suicide is. And it’s often an episode in time that a person is gripped in irrational thought for several minutes. Their death is often the result of just getting the pain to stop. They don’t always want to die.

        I am so sorry for your pain. When I was at that place early after my son’s suicide I told myself that as bad as it was right then, it would never be as bad as getting the news. That part is over and it will never hurt that much again.

        From one momma to another, I am holding space in my heart today for your precious son and his family. For you as a mother. His family has you and for that they are so lucky.

  33. i don’t know if this article is still alive, and I’m sorry for your son. I don’t want to put my own mother through it but sometimes i can’t stand to live. I’m always unhappy and try my hardest to be my silly productive happy self, it’s just hard. I’ve had chronic depression since i was 11, I’m 19 now. I always told my mom i want to die, which i understand that its confusing to have your own child say that when you have given them life. For years i always researched ways, i made plans but never did them. I tried hanging myself with string lights on my fan, my mom seen and acted like it was nothing. Sometimes i feel unloved and worthless because i can’t get anything together for my life. I’ve tried many therapists and medications, I’ve spoke to the crisis hotline.. nothing gives me hope. I’ve lost so much feeling for love that i feel too numb to care. I am sick of feeling this way and i don’t know what else to do about it. I dropped out of high school, i still have no diploma, no drivers license and haven’t even gotten my first job yet. I do want to try but at the end of the day, what is the point? I’m living like everyone else and everything that i do wouldn’t matter in time. I feel so used all of the time, and i always and much rather focus on things that make me feel joy than concentrate on how I feel. That may sound like it works but in reality, it’s just a way to cope with every problem that my mind tries to think about. I’ve stressed myself way too much and made such awful memories that i regret every single day. I got raped and molested and i made myself think it was okay. I spoke to older men at 14 to 16 hoping I’d get kidnapped and killed, i didn’t care about the consequences.. i thought my mom would understand since she went through a lot but she ends up comparing everything. I try to help her find hobbies, i try my best as a daughter. Everything is so confusing. I wish i could start over and do better, or not exist at all.

    1. I am so honored you shared your soul with me. It sound like you have been through it. But I can feel that little piece of you that is trying to live. And I alsI do hear the part that wants to die. Since you are not sure I would just say pick one thing, one place to start. So for example, the rape. What a devastating thing to go through. I think so much of this stems from that. Maybe a group if others who have suffered sexual assault. Anyway peer support has helped me get through dark times. Thank you again for your thoughtful and thought-provoking post. You are welcome to reply. And I am sorry your struggle with such pain.

    2. Hi ella, reading your words was like an inside to my brain. I too have no license, job, and dropped out of school and have made two attempts at getting it, but my brain just goes blank and every part of me just wants to give up as well. I have no family support or friends as that has been just a series of being used and tossed, so I gave up. God I just always pray for a miracle that never seems to come because I know in my soul that it’s not that I want to die as I have 4 children I love more than anything and the pain it causes me to think of what I would cause them trauma wise, makes it harder. I just want life to go good just a little and feel happy. So I want to let you know, I at least care and relate.

          1. I am sorry that you feel such pain. You are clearly in a place of great despair and it was not my intention to trick you. I, too, was in immense pain when I made the video. Let me know how you are today? How long have you struggled with thoughts of suicide?

  34. I don’t want to die, but I’m tired of living. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be here living in hell anymore

    1. Sss- I’m so sorry the feelings are that intense. Is there anything in your life that has brought you joy? A friend, animal? Have you ever told anyone how you feel? Thank you for telling us. That took courage. Feel free to reply back. I would love to hear from you.

          1. You are so right about suicide being the cause of not just one problem but several. That’s how I feel at the moment, that there are just too many things going wrong with my life. I don’t want to suffer anymore. That’s why I looked at hanging. I’m not quite there yet but my life shows no signs of improving.

            1. i feel the same exact way i just feel theres really no need for me to even be alive i just think life would be so much easier without the pain and hurt

              1. The brain is so convincing in these episodes. Why a person’s own brain would turn against them like that is still unknown. Is it less intense now? I hope so. Few understand how strong a person has to be to have endured these episodes of suicidal thinking.

  35. I was searching for some tips to help me die quickly and less painful, then I arrived here.
    I’m sorry about your son and you are actually doing right thing to save lives, please keep up. Yet, I have to say that some of us are facing not just mentally depression, but more realistic, solid and barely solvable problems, like physical illness or living in poverty.
    Since I have no way to solve or escape from it, I want to end the pain at least. Sure I know that my family will feel sad, but hey, I have tolerated it over decades. I think we have the right to seek for a real salvation and hope that you are able to feel happy for us someday that we don’t suffer anymore.

    1. Peter. Suicide is never the result of one thing but usually of several. Poverty certainly plays into that. My son had physical pain as well. I can listen. I can care. But I can’t fix it all. And I will never berate or shame you for feeling as you do. The video is merely an open expression of how I feel so I should be willing to listen to you. Here on this page people can be angry, sad, happy or whatever. All I ask is for honesty and that’s what I see. I thank you for having the courage to post here and share your pain and your thoughts. And let me know how you are today.

  36. I’m a lost cause. No matter what happens, no matter how many second chances I get, I always wind up making the same mistakes. My anger issues have resulted in lost friendships, broken trust, and harsh consequences. And in the aftermath, I’m always left feeling awful about myself. My grades are slipping due to me not focusing or applying myself in school, and my graduation date was delayed. My anxiety disorder has only worsened over time, to the point where I’ve started getting panic attacks when under enough stress. Everything is just getting harder and harder and I don’t see myself living past 30. I’ve become fascinated by the concept of hanging, and how a simple rope and the force of gravity has the ability to suffocate you, snap your neck, or even decapitate you if the drop is too long. I often wonder what it would feel like, and whenever my mind goes to a dark place fantasies of hanging myself start playing out in my head. Though while typing this, I realized a much more convenient and available option I have at my disposal: drowning. There’s a pool here, and I’m sure I can find a large enough rock in the yard to weigh me down.
    What brought this about? A number of things. Aside from what I mentioned already, there’s the constant fear that once I’m forced to get a job, everything will become monotonous and I won’t be able to do the things that make me happy. I recently lashed out at my friends, which led to one person cutting ties with our friend group. No matter what I do to try and rebuild peoples’ trust in me, I always wind up doing something stupid that breaks it again, without fail. And now it feels like I’m in a situation that’s beyond fixable.
    If I wind up going through with it, I probably won’t tell any of my friends. There’s a few of them who are actively suicidal themselves, and it wouldn’t surprise me if one of them killed themselves if they ever knew that I did it. Thankfully, they’re online friends, so it’s not like they’ll ever know for sure what happened to me. The last thing I want is to take people down with me.
    I honestly don’t know what I’m gonna gain by typing this out. Part of me feels like this is really manipulative of me to type this all out to a bunch of strangers when I may not even have the guts to end my life. Maybe I want comfort? A list of reasons why I shouldn’t do it? Sympathy? Recommendations to see a therapist or talk to someone? I’ve heard, read, and given nearly every type of response in the book, so I doubt this will change anything significantly. So, why am I doing this? Well… if I told my therapist, family, or friends, it’d just cause unnecessary fear and stress that they don’t need right now, or result in me getting shipped off to a mental hospital. Plus, if I was putting a plan into place to end it, there’s no way I’d actually tell anyone since I wouldn’t want anyone to stop me. And if this winds up blowing over… well, no point in causing them worry.
    I lack the motivation to do a lot of things. Including acting on the many suicide plans I have floating around in my head. Sometimes I’ve gone for days at a time where I haven’t left my room due to me lacking the motivation to get up, even if my stomach is screaming at me for food. And due to the nature of working from home, this quarantine has helped enable that mindset.
    At this point I’m just rambling so I’ll wrap this up. Either I lack the motivation to off myself and I wind up seeing the responses this gets, or I finally get to see what dying from oxygen deprivation feels like, either by hanging or drowning.

    1. This pandemic is negatively affecting so many. Do you know how I can tell? There is four to five more time the traffic to this page this year than last year at the same time. I am only going to make one suggestion to start with. And I don’t claim to be able to fix this. But you are clearly in a depressive episode. Here is my thought. Please stay in the present whenever you can. Projecting scenarios or hovering over the past simply brings us down. I don’t suffer mental illness but I have been more teary. The lack of connection is literally killing us. I hope it doesn’t kill you. I hope you live. I hope you get help, join a support group or do any of those things you don’t have motivation for but could help you. I do understand your pain. And I feel it too. To live or move forward you gotta get out of that room. How you do it is up to you but I am hoping it is not in a body bag. You are welcome to reply.

  37. Not everything is about you, Anne. Can’t you understand that your son is no longer forced to suffer? Some of us are looking for actual help, not a self-important guilt trip.

    1. I am so sorry this didn’t connect with you. It wasn’t my intention to submit you to a guilt trip. I am here to listen and strategies for individuals differ. But I am happy to help you with that. I do care what happens to you. And it was my intention to show that your life does have value. Thank you for commenting. Your opinion is important to me. And I am sorry you are hurting so much.

      1. Your post gave me shivers, I lost a brother, I don’t wanna do it but I gave myself so many chances to be better but I can’t l, as I speak I sit here looking at the knot I’ve made, proud of it ha, if I do it do it please keeps sharing your experiences, jus cause didn help me will help others

      2. Don’t listen to them.

        I’m sure you know this, but I don’t think they’re mad at you. I think they’re just hurting and are lashing out

        I’m hurting too, but this article feels genuinely caring. I can’t say it’ll stop me or put me at ease, and I’m sure to come back to it. I have BPD, so if I’m not meticulously planning world domination, I’m figuring out what drugs I can take that’ll put me under.

        Either way tho, I do like this article, and this is coming from the most bitter cynic you can imagine.

        Thanks, Anne. It might not solve my problems, but it does remind me of the people I don’t want to hurt.

        1. Here you are in a page about ending your life and you managed to make me laugh. That world domination line is what got me. You have a knack of self awareness like my son did. He made me laugh like that.

          I do understand that people who are hurting sometimes lash out in anger and I am ok with that. I honestly do t take it personally. When I feel like crap I am no sweet Betsy sunshine either. Thanks for commenting. I am sorry you hurt this much. BPD is difficult to manage. You are a warrior to have endured these thoughts. I may not be able to fix but I can read and sit with you in your pain (virtually). Just appreciating your struggle. Thank you.

      3. Some people don’t want help, as someone who is considering ending this whimsical nightmare. I do share the same thoughts as human does. Some lifes are best muted from others, including mine. Very hypocritical myself, relentlessly denying my self importance. As one would say. Curb your importance.

          1. Hello Anne

            I am very sorry for your loss and for the losses others here have suffered.

            I want to thank you for this site.

            To all those who have shared their pain or expressed themselves also a big thank you. I feel in someway you have tried to help yourself and maybe showed others they are not alone

            I do not know what I will do

            I just want to say thank you.

            I hope everyone can find some peace and joy however long or short it may be and no matter how deep the pain or suffering

            1. Hey River thanks for commenting. And you got it right. All that is true about me. But here’s what I know. That people who want to die now often want to live later. That would be people who have survived a suicide attempt or not followed through. They tell me about the low point in their lives, where you are now, and tell me they are so grateful have survived. So I thought it was worth a try. No guarantees. This effort doesn’t work for everyone but I do know it has worked for some. And I still get the messages years later. I don’t know you. But I hope you will live. I hope you will come back.

              1. For me, the low points keep coming. I didn’t kill myself when I first wanted to, at 15. We’re now over 40 years on, and I still regularly get into these very dark places. Yes, for my family it’s been better that I never killed myself.

                But for me? I’ve done what so many advise young people to do – hang in, there. And sure, I’ve lived relatively good times, too. But was it worth it? No, not for me.

                I feel as desperate as I did 40 years ago.

                That said, yes, for most people it does get better.

                1. So you have survived 40 years. That is impressive that you have fought for so long. While I wrote the post here I am not about to pass judgment. I do hope you find a reason to live for you and not just everyone else. Thank you for posting.

  38. Hi Anne

    You seem like a kind and caring person, and I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. I am blessed with two beautiful children, age 7 and 10, and I can’t imagine how it would feel to lose one of them.

    Indeed I am blessed with many things. I have a good job, no money worries, a nice home and family. And yet, I cannot enjoy any of it. I slid into depression over the last 18 months, and it is now so intense and painful that I just don’t want one more day like this. I’ve tried following your advice, and reached out to people and talked. My friends and family were sympathetic at first, but not they are sick and tired of hearing about it, so I don’t talk to them any more. They don’t understand why I feel this way, when I have so much to live for, and generally tell me to snap out of it. Only my elderly mother can just about put up with hearing from me, and I know my daily phone calls have become a burden. I’ve tried seeking counselling too, but if anything, it seems to have made things worse.

    I haven’t killed myself up to now, because I don’t want my children to grow up fatherless, and I don’t want my Mum to suffer the same loss you did. In fact, I don’t anyone who cares to suffer my loss. And I keep hoping I will feel better again, but it seems I never will.

    So now, I am largely dealing with this horrible depression alone, and I can’t keep it up much longer. It is such torment. I don’t want to die, but I need peace from this pain, and can’t just keep living for others.

    1. Graham- I’m so sorry your family has not responded in a helpful way, that you are dealing with this alone and that it’s so intense you don’t know that you can bear the weight of all that pain for much longer. Your courage in surviving with so little support is more than admirable. And you are right, you can’t live for others so I’m going to list some thoughts since, in this case, you might need some ideas of what to do next. They are intended to help you save your own life and quality of life.

      I hope you’ll consider getting some help with the depression which could be the underlying cause. That’s where they should be helping you. Helping you find a doctor with whom you can have a conversation about when and how the depression started and consider medication if at least temporarily. There are also things like ketamine nose spray that can yank your brain out of a downward spiral.

      Many times a local crisis line will have the phone numbers of the local resources you will need. I know all of this is so hard when you have zero energy. But you have a history of reaching out and maybe it’s time to reach out to a trained stranger since your family is not responding. They should be helping you with this step and perhaps if you are more specific with them, they’ll engage. So for example, asking them to help you find a psychiatrist to do a psych evaluation and determine if you might need medication at least temporarily.

      I’m also going to post a book that you may find helpful. I am not sure where you live and if it’s available where you are but I know the authors.

      I am here. You can come back here and comment and I will answer. Or you can contact me and email.

      1. I to have been depressed with severe insomnia for four years. Went to a private psychiatrist. Gave me twenty different antidepressants, two antipsychotics, 3 Benzos sleep tablets. Ect. Ketamine infusions all over two years. Now have akathisia a severe neurological movement disorder that tortures u all day, tortured your brain n thoughts all day. Suicide attempts. Think of suicide all day. Sleep zero hrs 6 nights in a row. Then get an hr fir one night to go back to zero for nights again. Can’t stop the Benzos as the akathisia goes more mental but their not working really anymore. I roll around in agony screaming everyday. Cold turkey olanzapine n zoplicone five months ago n now bedridden in agony. Want to die more than anything else. Take a look at living with akathisia on Facebook. So many suffering because of psychiatrists drugs. So many taking their lives due to akathisia. Make people aware

        1. You are right, Sam. I should write an article on this. When my son was alive, it was crazy what they prescribed all together and it was totally irresponsible. It took two years to find a good psychiatrist who knew what to prescribe. And my son also struggled with insomnia and sleep problems started at age two. He had delayed sleep phase syndrome. At times he struggled with RLS, restless leg syndrome. I am so sorry you were mistreated and my hope for you is that you can find someone who can help you straighten all of it out. You deserved and still deserve better. Would these psychs prescribe all this crap for themselves or a family member? Probably not. My heart goes out to you and I so appreciate your comment as it’s an important reminder that mental health should have a team approach like physical health to restore a person to wellness.

    2. I am sorry you feel this way. My daughter just commited suicide and I cannot tell you how sad I am. I now don’t know why I should go on. I will try to look for it. Sometimes something unexpected happens. Maybe something good. Love you.

      1. Something good will happen if you believe it will. As a mother who lost a son to suicide, I know how you feel. At first you just have to be obligated to live before you feel like you want to live again. And you will. Please get grief support for yourself. It made all the difference for me. It’s didn’t fix anything but it allowed me to share my raw feelings and find a path to healing. I have a lot of resources on my “grief” page.

        And finally thank you for commenting. I read and reply to all of these.

  39. Hi Anne,
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I could never imagine how much it would hurt to lose a child. I hope, while you are helping others to spread awareness that you are also taking care of yourself.

    I came across your site when I was searching how to hang myself. I don’t want to die by any means, but I am losing the ability to cope with the intense sadness, hopelessness and lonliness I’ve been feeling for most of my life. I know my death will hurt others. But if I live nobody will ever care about how terrible I feel. It’s unfortunate that it will hurt people if I die, but when I’m alive nobody could care less. Messed up and selfish logic, but it’s truthfully how I feel. My note will read “blame no one but me”. I (like everyone else) had no choice in my existence and no choice but to suffer through the cruel things life can bring, but I’m finally making a choice for myself. I’m not a hero or martyr, I don’t feel the need to suffer until I’m 90 and end up dying anyway. the effort you are taking to advocate for suicidal people hurts to see because I know it must stem from the pain of losing your son. I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t want my mom to feel this same pain, but I don’t think she’d want me to be this sad either if she knew how I feel.

    1. Such a heartfelt letter you have written. I feel how much you hurt and as a mom I wish I could hug you and make it go away. I ask just one thing. If you have not already, ask for help to see a doctor about your feelings. Because in most cases those feelings are treatable. It’s not perfect and doesn’t fix everything but for many it has been a life saver. And it sounds like you have a good mom. Thanks again for your words about my boy, and your comment from the heart. I am honored you trusted me to leave it.

  40. Every minute of every day I think of death. I looked up how to hang yourself properly because I know of no other way. I wanted to use a gun
    I got told to go kill myself and no one would care. My one best friend wont believe me. He thinks I’m a fuck up n wont own up to whatever lies he thinks I’m telling. My dad says he dont want me in his house. I lost my son at 7 months. Seeing him leave broke me. I have not been the same since. I have a daughter now who is 1. She is my only light in this darkness but even now I dont want too stay alive. I constantly tell her I’m sorry and to never forget that I love her. I’m in so much pain but when I talk about it n cry everyone thinks I’m just high. I did meth for 2 weeks straight til it made me horrible. I stopped n stayed clean but even then I got no support they just thought I was lying. I’m too far gone and alone. No support system, no love what’s the point of living when everyone thinks your nothing but a failure a bad human being who deserves nothing but death.

    1. Sam. I am so sorry that everything feels like it’s coming unhinged. My son suffered from addiction to heroin. The drug added to his feelings of worthlessness and he felt that we had abandoned him but we had not. I remember feeling frustrated and not knowing what to do. Most states in the US have warm lines. Those are manned by people who have been where you are now.

      Some part of you wants to live. I can’t fix everything but I Am here and can listen.

    2. Sam, you mean more then you even think you do.. from a mother that just lost her son to drugs and emotional please you are wroth so much more that baby you have needs you more then you will ever know. I cry everyday for my son that could not get passed his addiction and he was so loved and needed not only by me but all his sisters and his one brother and all his family I love you and even though I don’t know you l love you and my heart is with you

  41. Hey, it’s the bratty guy who was annoyed by his mother’s actions
    I just want to say thanks and I am sorry
    first, thank you for your help and your advice, I was able to talk to a friend about this and they tried helping me every once in a while. of course I wasn’t so cooperative and just throwing negative thoughts at everything they say until they give up for today and then I apologize.
    one day that friend left me for a personal reason, at first I kept blaming them and saying that I didn’t do anything wrong (all said to myself not to someone) but as time passed I realized that I was one hell of a horrible person back then and they tried their best to help me with my problems and I would just block them off
    after that I told myself that I will become a better person and I will live on and stop thinking such negative thoughts and would you look at that, almost 2 months now and I am living a decently happy life, I started drawing more and making amazing things and started making plans to what I will do when I am done with high school and hopefully I will reach that goal.
    so again I want to thank you very much and that friend who I will probably never see again but I am very grateful to how they changed my life.

    and of course, I am sorry
    I am sorry for being such a brat with you and doing the same thing I did with my friend
    I know that you spend a lot of your time trying to help a lot of people and I am very grateful you spent some of that time to save me, to save everyone
    you and my friend will forever be my heroes ^^

    1. I remember you Omar. And when I saw your name I didn’t remember you as annoying. I figure that anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide might feel annoyed or angry in addition to sad and even frustrated. Thank you so so much for coming back here and updating me on how you are now. What a ray of hope you’ve offered to so many. Including me. Thank you.

      This is a “hall of fame” comment. One of the best comments ever. Come back any time. You are welcome here with any emotion. No judgment.

  42. Hi Anne,

    I’m really glad I found this. Thank you ❤️. I lost my beautiful mother suddenly at the end of last year. She was my soulmate. Just weeks before that, my marriage came to an end (not my choice). I am now grieving in lockdown, in my mother’s home and all I can say is that Anne, living is just so hard. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m surviving only for my family – I can’t put them through any more. But on some days it is a very real, painful battle not to go under. I’m never sure which side is going to win. I just want a break from the pain. I’m so tired.

    1. TP- All of that in such a short time frame is crazy hard. It sounds like you one to die one minute and then live the next and you wonder which one will win. And some days you fight it. That constant tug-of-war in your head would wear anyone down and your courage and strength to endure it so far is impressive. My friend Gray told me she felt “obligated to live” after her son’s death and it took some time before she wanted to live. It’s not an easy place to be. I am here to listen. Without judgment.

    2. I’m really sorry to hear of your pain .Im in exactly the same situation as you and know how you are feeling .It is really hard to just get through the day

      1. Clive. I hope you give yourself the credit for having survived those thoughts so far. I hear you saying that making through each day is a challenge. We are here for you here. Do tell me more.

    3. I really feel how you feel, i have tried to well hang myself i was really upset it didn’t work , i still am, i tried to overdose, and i haven’t stopped searching up how to do it since then. I really feel like this , some days its better but then the next day its unbearable. God i wish i had hope. My boyfriend always tells me it gets better,he is so kind, i love him with my hear to soul and death. i promised him i wouldn’t cut, i broke it so soon, help me…

      1. I hear you saying that you are always searching for a way to die because some days are so unbearable and you feel there is no longer any hope. But then some days are OK. It sounds like you also feel kind of guilty that you have such a nice boyfriend and you broke a promise you made to stop cutting. Is that about right?

        Relapsing to cutting doesn’t mean you have failed. It means you had a relapse to a behavior you became accustomed to. What that means is that you have maintained some time without the behavior. And you recognize that it’s not healthy. The cutting is a behavior that you rely on to cope. I have the confidence you will find other ways to cope by replacing that behavior but it’s not something that happens overnight. It’s a process and requires patience. You posted this message and I’m honored you did so. I think it’s because there is some part of you fighting to live only it’s suppressed by the dark side of depression right now. I am going to link to an article written by a woman who stopped cutting after years using this method. I don’t know if it will work for you. But if you are on the internet doing research, it can’t hurt to read it.

        You can come back and tell me more. I’m listening.

  43. Good afternoon, I was just visiting your site and submitted this message via your contact form.

  44. Pls help me feel better it feels like im suffocating i have scars everywhere and my parents have seen it, everyone thinks its a phase! Then how come it wont fucking go away…..

    1. Oh Bella I feel your despair and frustration. It’s not a “phase” but usually the result of a mental illness like depression. Sometimes it comes and goes. And other times there are people who struggle with chronic suicidality. Have you been diagnosed with something like depression? This can be treated. I’m so sorry this plagues you. It really isn’t fair that you suffer like this.

    2. I also want to die I’m suffocated in my own thoughts I want to sleep forever. I’m married I have 3 beautiful children but I dont fit in on this world no one understands how I feel I’m just not meant to be here 🙁

      1. Ginger, I hear you say how much pain you are in and how tired you are of that feeling. Have I got that right? I am so sorry these thoughts are stalking you. I’m honored you shared with me and left a comment.

        Tell me about one of your kids since you mentioned them.

      2. completely resonate with that Ginger, I go to bed and wish hard that I won’t wake up, feel so wretched when I do and am still very much alive for another day of hell. It’s not that I want to specifically die I simply don’t want to live if this is ‘living’ then I want to check out / not be part of it. I dont belong in this world and wish the choice of killing myself would be taken out of my hands with either a terminal illness or an accident. can’t face thought of attempting suicide and failing, I have to know it’ll work.

        1. Oh Susie, I’m so sorry you suffer these feelings. You must be in so much pain. Do know it can be treated so you don’t live like you hate every day. TEll me how long your episodes of intense suicidality last?

      3. I really want die so badly
        There is basically nothing to live for. I lost my mother last yr on June and i just can’t get over it .
        I want peace , I want to be free from this pain .
        There’s nothing to live for after all

        1. Oh my how hard it must be to lose one of the most important loved ones in your life. I know that feeling, Zama. I’m so sorry. I suspect you are young and it’s way too early to lose someone so special. And I hear you saying that the agony of loss is so painful, you want to die. Is that right? Tell me more about your mother and her name. What was she like? What made her special? And what kind of legacy could you carry forward in her name? I am here to listen.

      4. I’ve already got the nitrogen, regular and tubing in my closet; I ordered it from Amazon. 🤷‍♀️ I’ve got such a grocery list of diseases, it doesn’t matter. I’ve talked to my husband to try to ready him, let him know it’s coming but he’s been so busy caring for me… he knows. I’d go to Switzerland… Dignitas but why? That would be just taking a huge amount of cash from him towards our expenses he’ll need once I’m gone when I can just as easily do it myself. He normally opens the pkgs for me but that day I abruptly said NO! I get it. No sanctioned assisted suicide in my state or it wouldn’t be a big deal because my dx’s would get help as it were. Instead, I troll the recesses of Internet. Our country needs to come out of the dark ages and stop the judgemental bullshit. And the religious fanatics that troll these areas, as well need to find other places to troll, as well. Until they’ve walked miles in the hell so many of us have, I highly suggest… save it. This isn’t a place for religious zealots to preach fire and brimstone. I’ve been in hell for the past 34 years with my broken body. It’s time for anything but this. I really don’t care at this point. There won’t be an attempted suicide with me. My children are raised; my parents are gone. My husband has lived with my pain for 25 years and understands the seriousness of it all. There’s just no relief any longer in this life and I’m okay with that. Not crying about any longer, not fighting it, not searching how to do it. Stop searching for painless ways as there are no painless ways.
        If you’re searching for that, go enjoy your life. I hope you have enough in your life to do. just. that. Personally, I feel peace that my time is near. I’m just waiting for a couple of other things to fall into place. I need to see my grandkids that covid has prevented. Then, I’m ready. I’m tired of this body of this broken body.

        1. I am so sorry you struggle with so many diseases. There is a point where quality of life and a cure cannot be achieved. I wish I could have helped my dad go earlier than he did. The last year was difficult. I can’t really say on your case because I don’t know all the diseases but I do wish we could allow people with irreversible disease to have the same dignity we offer our pets. I am so sorry . I think your husband will not have figured it out. We always miss the clues. You are in a tough spot and not for one minute will I pass judgment, encourage or discourage. I am listening. And learning. From you.

  45. I’m tired of crying alone every night, tired of everyone’s judging stares. I feel like nobody understands me, all they do is just pile pressure on me. They judge me for every imperfection I have. I have no friends. My parents don’t care, all they ever do is care for my brother. I feel like I’m an invisible shadow, out of sight out of mind. I honestly think that if I end it, nobody would even notice.

    1. That last line gave me chills. My son said that exact sentence. The truth is that we did notice and five years later we still hurt.

      But enough about me and back to you. I hear you saying you feel worthless and that your family wouldn’t care if you were gone. How long have you been having these feelings? How long have you struggled with brain pain?

  46. I am so ready to go. I am so ready to loop that noose around my neck and end it mercifully. I want to go. I am so afraid of living.

            1. Most often, but not always, they are the result of a major depressive episode. Things like isolation can trigger it. But I’m honorred, thankful and grateful you came back and responded. I know that you are struggling and it’s hard to have the energy to do anything.

  47. Never told I was adopted… Never knowing who i am. Unable to correct the mistakes of the past. Trapped in a loop of self doubt and pain. I seek the end. To know I have caused so much pain.

  48. Thank you😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

  49. First off, please accept my apologies for these selfish thoughts. It’s so easy to do and so tempting. And sadly, all the nicest, most sensitive people go through with it so swiftly and catastrophically. And i wish there had been a way to stop them.

    But i can’t sleep and i can’t shake the thoughts, even though my last proper attempt lies twenty years back, i feel an urgency and desire to strangle my useless mind out from this world.
    I know it’s horrible, and i´ll need to find a better and stealthier way to make it look like an accident.
    But if i walk over to the shed and just hang myself one night there won´t be a way to repent.

    So let me say at least once, i’m sorry for being such a rubbish person.

    1. I hope that the suicidal thoughts wore off before you took action. In fact, putting more time between thought and action oftentimes helps. Because those thoughts do expire and lift. I call them brain attacks. I know they are relentless, pervasive, convincing and painful. Let me know how you are today and how you are feeling. I’d like to know more about you.

      1. Thank you very much for the good advice and for taking the time!
        It actually helps.
        I try to time-travel and to look back. Maybe fix something around the house. Be social.

        Writing made me feel more ashamed. Of course. But that´s like a stubbed toe. Better to see one concrete flaw than a whole useless mess.

        So thanks again!

        1. It comes on with such incredible intensity. So convincing when the brain takes your mind hostage. It lifts finally but enduring it is difficult. I hope you made it through. I am here to listen if you want to tell me more about how you feel.

  50. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I have bipolar disorder and sometime when my husband is cruel I don’t want to live anymore. Depression is a terrible illness. Thank you for this website. Bless you. Be well.

    1. Thank you Barbara for your kind words about Charles. I’m so sorry your husband is cruel to you. And bipolar is such a difficult mental illness to manage. Do you want to tell me more about how you feel? I’ll listen and answer.

      1. I am not feeling myself my figure is a mess it’s all fat and excess skin the surgeon want operate I’m can’t cope any more don’t want to be here I want to kill myself it started off with my legs burning then they collasped and my stomach did the same so now I’m left with a lot of skin

  51. This is coward and it won’t work !
    Basically you say ” If you die, your pain will stop but my pain will grow. So, please don’t do that. Suffer yourself and don’t let others to suffer”

    Sorry it doesn’t work anymore. You said we have no idea how much you suffer and i believe that, but you don’t have an idea how WE SUFFER EITHER.

    Like our suffering is secundary. No therapist, no doctor, no relative care or help
    a whole life alone, surrounded by bastards suckers who only make you feel worse. You and your bloody useless pills. I’ll do it because i’ll do it.
    My family destroyed my life, perhaps they will feel 1% of the pain i have been feeling.
    and believe me, this is not about revenge of course, this is because it’s simple UNBEARABLE. So stop with this mean way of make us feeling guilty. This is LOW,miserable ,coward. You instead should feel guilty to destroy our lives. 47 years making me feeling guilty. NO MORE. I’ll do it !

    1. There is no way I could know your pain. I can only imagine it and whatever I imagine is not even close to the emotional agony you have endured. I think people who suffer thoughts of suicide are the most courageous people I know. You have a right to be angry. Feeling as you do is not the kind of thing that makes you want to have a happy dance. I respect your suffering and I do apologize if I came across guilting you into life. That was not my intention but I do understand many could see it that way. So thank you for your enlightening point of view. Thank you for commenting. And do feel free to tell me more so I can understand that this is different for everyone.

    2. I’ve don’t like my figure I’ve got a lot off excess skin and the surgeon won’t operate it is making me not won’t to be here any more I can’t cope with life I’m trying to exercise but nothing happening there is to much fat and skin and not much muscle

      1. Beth. I feel your self loathing and appreciate that it feels so awful you want to die. Our culture puts such pressure on people to look a certain way. Funny if you look back to certain periods of human existence, having excess skin and extra weight was seen as a good thing. It was a sign of being wealthy and healthy. Just look at paintings by Rubin. But your only job right now is to keep yourself safe from suicide. All the other issues can be tackled later.

  52. I guess it’s time. My husband told me I was only good for grocery shopping and I even screwed that up, so there’s not much left for me to offer.

    We’ve been married for 22 years, I have a chronic debilitating condition and he’s right. I’m not good for anything anymore. But, it’s not like I can just wake up and be different. Things are only going to get worse from here and I’m well aware of that. This is in no way me feeling sorry for myself. It’s just the truth. A dark, ugly truth unfortunately.

      1. Thank you so much for replying.

        I have three children. My one son is the only reason I’m still here. I know it would break his heart. I can’t purposely do that to him. But, I do prepare him for the inevitable mostly just to assure him that when it is my time to please know that I am in a better place. I will be pain free finally and to know that I am okay with it should it happen. I don’t know if that’s appropriate but I tell all three to have peace that I am no longer suffering. 🤷🏻‍♀️

        That’s all I really want is to have a life. It pains me soooooo much to envy those who aren’t suffering.

        Thank you again. I’m so sorry you had to go through losing a child. I can not imagine the heartbreak you have endured.


        1. Losing someone to suicide is a never ending journey from which I will never fully heal and thank you for your kindness and remembrance during a painful episode of your own life. Thank you for coming back. It’s an honor that you have trusted me with this darkness.

          Tell me more about the child who will struggle with this the most if you Suicide. What’s his name (first name only)? How old is he? I had an empathetic child too. And want to hear more about him in particular.

          1. You are so adorable. I went to your Facebook page and I can’t help but want to reach into those photos and bring him back for you. I love your accent as well. It reminds me of my father who lives in Wichita and has a “twang”. Lol.

            I have twin boys. Completely fraternal. Barely even look like they’re from the same family. But, the one I’m referring to is all me. He stays up late and talks for hours to me and I can honestly say “likes” me. They’re 19, so most people are lucky to get a “Hi and Bye” from their kids so I’m very grateful to have him. It’s not like the other two don’t like me but well, sometimes I guess I feel like they may not. Or at the very least resent me for being ill. I always thought I’d be closest to my daughter. She’s 21 but I’m not for some reason. I can tell I annoy her greatly. So most times I find myself apologising to everyone for my flaws and shortcomings. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want to. Honestly. Now fall is coming and I live in dreadful Wisconsin where we have two seasons. Winter for 9 months and summer for 3. That doesn’t help either.

            Thank you again for responding. I appreciate it…☺️

            1. Man the world can not afford to lose someone like you. Those with such empathy are rare. It throws off the balance of humans. Can I help you locate resources in your area? Just city and state is all I need to research. And that kid sounds like charles. Man how I miss those talks we would have. And you are so kind, T. I felt today that old urge of turning back the clock and yanking him back with me. Funny how that tugs at me sometimes. Teens are rarely tons of fun. They come around. Have you ever written anything about your depression? Would you want to? Would you share it? Anonymous is fine.

              1. Well, I’m pretty good at being my own psychologist to be honest. It’s just super lonely sometimes to be by myself with my own thoughts.

                I’ve managed to survive and conquer bigger things than this issue (sexual abuse and the twins being born 14 weeks too soon) in my past, so I’m fairly confident I can get through this too. But guilt can certainly wear a person down that’s for sure.

                I’m not sure what you mean, have I written about it tho’?? I do tend to write letters to my husband that he never reads (because I don’t give them to him) if that helps? I am an extremely verbal person. I need to let things out so I don’t internally combust so I’ve been known to say what I feel which can sometimes get me in trouble and/or hurt someone’s feeelings at times which I don’t ever mean to, but….🤷🏻‍♀️ Que sera sera.

                I guess I just deal with things myself one way or another. It’s worked so far….and, it’s amazing to one day finally realize that what you once thought was totally impossible to achieve is actually the easiest, most natural thing a Mother could ever do. Raise your children with morals and values and protect them from the evils of this world. Unfortunately, something my very own parents failed to do. So, I know I did that right at least. ☺️ Now to just beat the statistics of failed marriages and divorce rates, I’ll be golden! 🤣

                1. Wow. You are so brave and resilient to have endured these feelings so many times. I can’t even imagine the amount of strength that takes. And to have survived sexual abuse on top of all that. You really are incredible.

                  Those letters you write are good therapy. You don’t have to share them with him or anyone else. But I would tell him you have suffered these thoughts. If you ever wanted to share a story here or one of those letters anonymously it would help our readers understand. I have those who have lived experience but also people who have lost a loved one to suicide and struggle to understand it.

                  I do an exercise with college students where i have them put on post it notes their problems that they deal with. And when they step back, they think, “I’m not alone.” You are not alone. You can always come back to this site and comment on a post. I will reply.

      1. I have felt that way, too, SF. In fact, I felt that I fit nowhere today. But the feeling passes. And I hope it does for you, too. And I want you to know that I care whether you live or die and I would like to know more about you and what hurts.

        1. I feel exactly the same way,, but I hope you won’t do it, Unlike me, you sound like you have amazing possibilities, and an awareness of the ether. So take a deep breath, jog as far and as fast as you can, watch a funny but clean movie, look yourself in the mirror and see the good person this empath sees, eat a healthy veggie meal, take a warm shower, and rejoice, you made it this far, and just take it one day at a time. Get some sunshine and pray for someone hurting worse than you, even if you haven’t met them.

  53. I figured out how to hang my self tonight. Things started going black. The only reason I’m still here is because I made an error and I was able to stand up when I panicked. The feeling of numbness was kind of nice. I feel guilty for even trying it, I’ve delt with my depression for almost 10 years and never actually tried something..

    1. It must be awful to feel such pain yet so much guilt, too. And I know you don’t want to kill yourself, you just want the pain to go away. It does go doesn’t it? The intensity doesn’t last forever. Maybe twenty minutes? And awful and horrible 20 minutes. But oh my gosh I am glad you are still here. Are you willing to tell someone? I know they would rather hear your dark secret than find you in the state in which you were almost in.

      1. I can tell my husband. He didn’t notice the red mark around my neck last night, and I didn’t tell him last night because we got into a fight and I didn’t want him to think it was because of him.

        1. Can you reach out to local resources? Can you tell me your general location? Just a city and a state. So I can see if there is a local hotline. Many times those are best. I really want you to find help. So this might take some back and forth. I want you to be here tomorrow and the day after that.

      2. Ms Anne tonight I tried to kill myself and obviously didn’t get very far. I chose to hang myself because I felt like I deserved to suffer and a quick death was too Good for me. I am not a saint. I’m no father to children. No one wakes up and wonders if I’ll be here tomorrow. My life has no merit. I’m an African American and in our communities things like this are shut out or ignored even in close family circles. The only reason I’m writing is because there is someone that I love someone that made it worth it for me. I just wanted to put this out there just in case she ever came across this after I’m gone so she could know she was loved. I loved her with every ounce of me that I had and no I wasn’t perfect but she made me feel perfect if nobody else made me matter she made me matter she gave me purpose even after my neglect wounded her irreversibly she would never let me leave. I just want to say To SADE Cintron I’m Sorry for the things I did. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough and none of this has any way shape or form to do with you. Nobody ever taught me anything about the world until you taught me you don’t leave the ones you love. Even as I sit here sobbing I only regret I couldn’t make our time together perfect and help ease the burdens that worry you

        1. D. Gunn- I hope I’m not too late. I’m here. I’m so sorry you are suffering such pain. And I was just at an African American church yesterday speaking on this subject. I know it will change in the next few years and I hope you are still here to see it happen. Do tell me more about Sade, what she looks like, what you love about her.

          1. I’m sorry I’m late But Sade is a lighter skinned girl with the biggest cheeks when she smiles that even a smirk and the round ones will well up. She has a gap and a big forehead and I still love her but what I love about her is the flashes of raw emotions that she shows me. And by that I mean I come from a world where it’s rare to see people without an ulterior motive so to find such a delicate flower still exhibiting pure emotion she laughs when she wants to laughs and only when she wants to laugh not to spare anyone’s feelings and so on I see genuine humanity and emotion when I look at her and that’s what I love about her besides her personality. Thank you Again for just existing and having this it pulled me back from a dark place and really put things back on the level

            1. I see this comment now. What a beautiful person. Someone I would love to know too. And you are the lucky one who has found her. Thank you for sharing that with me and taking the time to share it. You know what, she is lucky to know you.

              A person like that is also someone you can tell. You can do it by writing it. I don’t want Sade to suffer without having you in her life. Because I sense you have such compassion and we need African American men like that.

          2. I’m not sure if my last comment came through but thank you again and by some miracle me and Charles were born on the exact same day

            1. You are kidding? The same birthday. I need someone out there with Charles’ birthday who is alive.

              I see your first comment and this one but if there was one in the middle about the love of your life, I don’t see it. I would still love to hear about her. I am so grateful you are alive today I could cry. African American men get so little emotional support. But I am seeing a change. Keep talking. You can write about your pain here.

  54. I’m still around. Even though my wife said she has moved on and has started dating someone else to whom she has introduced the kids I am not giving up. I feel if she can consistently see the new me then we have a chance.

    1. Thank you so much for letting me know you are still here. Your sweet boys deserve a loving dad and it sounds like there has been some personal progress in terms of where you are emotionally. It’s important to have some self love first. That is the foundation and so hard during a supreme loss as you have suffered. Come update here at any time.

      1. I have two girls and one boy. My negative emotions have been replaced with a steely determination to not give up until I’m back where I belong.

        1. Your first comment was August 19. Look how far you have come in that short amount of time, Sean. You amaze me. Thank you so very much for coming back and letting me know. When you get a moment, let me know the ages of your children.

          1. Is that all it’s been? It feels like a lot longer. I’m trying to set myself up for the inevitable setbacks that will come my way. I learned that she is taking the kids on a camping trip with her new guy and her friends and their kids just after Christmas. Then she is taking them again on another trip with her parents probably with him again. I’m trying to focus on the long term goal

            1. That’s why I thought your progress was fast. Are you still seeing a counselor? And if so has she/he helped you plan for “relapses” in your resolve along the way? I have had short relapses in grief for example. I just want to make sure you have a safety plan. Good to have. Thanks for the update

              1. I was seeing a counselor but not anymore. I will go back to them if things get bad. Right now I am making small progress towards getting back with her.

                1. Glad you have one, Sean. I failed to go to my support group when I needed it most. I isolated. Hindsight on my part. But having one you can go to is so important. Self care is so vital. Thank you for continuing to update me.

    2. Hello Sean, how are you? I read some of your story on this thread and I can relate to your situation. My husband left me and my daughters when I was pregnant February 2019, and I feel guilt from my mistakes and also grief. My issues go further with a lifetime of depression and anxiety that no one seems to understand but only place blame on me and some of the things I can’t control. I began to just hate myself and feel worthless on this earth and hate everything about life and just want to leave this body and die. Now in the midst of the coronavirus outbreak I am isolated and alone, my 4 daughters with my husband and I am limited to see them because I work outside the home. Last night I had a breakdown and this morning made a plan of action to hang myself, but have not gone through with it because I am afraid to go to hell, so I beg God to just let me contract the coronavirus and die. I have lost over 10 lbs and now down to 115 lbs which is extremely underweight for me. I am withering away. I didn’t mean to type so much and boggle you down with my issues. I hope you have found some peace in your life by now. I can totally relate to the holidays and just not feeling connected to my children anymore. I hope you are well!

      1. A.M.C- I welcome a response from Sean, too but I just wanted to thank you for commenting and sharing your pain with us. I’m honored you did so. You don’t deserve what has happened to you. The isolation right now is unbearable, especially in your situation. I just want you to know you have been heard, and I feel your pain and your exhaustion over it all. I’m so sorry this human being who was your husband has made you feel worthless and that you feel done with this life. I’m also grateful your breakdown didn’t result in your death.

        You mentioned 4 daughters. Tell me a little something about all of them or one of them. Thank you again for sharing.

        1. I haven’t been here for a while. I have been OK for a while but now the images and pain are flaring up again and the dark thoughts are returning. I’m away from my kids because of this lockdown and calling them just reminds me of how much I want them around.

          I feel everything that AMC is feeling. I don’t want time to continue because I’m afraid of what the year will bring. I don’t want these feelings or pain anymore.

          1. I remember you Sean. I am amazed at your courage and tenacity for managing these thoughts so far. I remember your story and you have survived so much emotional pain the isolation is making things worse. I am so sorry that this has triggered you after so much work on your part. But you have made it through. Tell me what strategies you have used so far. I want to help you identify those so you continue to be there for your kids.

  55. I have started counselling but I am very cynical about how effective it will be. Even though I am trying to move on with my life I still love her and I still want her. Even though she does things that make me angry I still want her.

    I don’t want these feelings and I really don’t want to face another Christmas.

    1. I can understand those feelings. It takes a long time to work through having what you pictured as your life change in a way that is beyond your control. No one embraces this right at first. It is a grief process and right now that nagging amygdala won’t let you even enjoy a beautiful sunset without injecting some negativity. You are making the effort and a lot of men refuse to take that step and I admire that you have.

      One way I survived my son’s suicide was to tell myself I would. Did I wholeheartedly believe it? I can’t say I did. But I just told myself that multiple times per day. My life is not perfect but I can now see things like birds on a telephone line and I take in the moment and it makes me happy. I was unable to do that for a long time.

      Grief is so intense at first and I believe that is what is triggering your thoughts of suicide. Building a new positive picture of your life takes time and understand that right now it might be too hard to see it. But even if you have a glimmer of a positive thought, note that for yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for a small success. Start with the fact that you come back here and comment with me. You are making an effort, opening up about very raw and agonizing feelings. You want things to change and while you may not see how it can change that is a step forward although a really painful one. So you have let in someone else and you are struggling to move forward but you are doing it.

      And you may not understand it, but this conversation helps me heal, too. My son was all about connection and I feel him with me when I connect with you and listen. So thank you.

        1. I planned ahead this year for the holidays. I can’t stand them so we planned a trip. Just know this time of year is really tough for many of us. So come back here on emotionally naked because we are bah humbug here and just trying to get through it. I laugh at how utterly negative we are about it.

            1. Sean I am going to point out that you are already struggling with a holiday that is not even here yet. Projection is what that is called. I have always been guilty of projecting too. You have time to make plans for yourself. You and your boys deserve you. I dreaded it too.

              1. I have two girls and one boy. I know what Christmas is going to be like. A place where I have no say and no control over anything.

                1. I hate to say this but most men don’t have much control over Christmas. But having that expectation that you won’t get much say going in might help. You could start to write your wife a letter about it. Don’t send the first version, or the second or third, but set some terms and expectations for the holiday and say it’s a negotiation. This has clearly gotten stuck in your head and we need to let it have a chance to sit on paper so it’s not taking up so much room in your mind. I want to help you stay alive, so let me know how I can help you with that.

                    1. The only person we can control is ourselves. We can’t make someone else do something we want. But oftentimes when we change and adapt, others around us are Influenced and sometimes they do change. Or we do in that process. So it all starts with us. How old are your boys?

                    2. Hi
                      firstly please accept my sincere condolences relating to Charles. You are stronger than I.
                      I’ve been severely depressed for over a year now. I have a career, 3 beautiful children. My partner left me a year ago, it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I loved him very much, but my life now is empty and pointless. I dont get excited by anything, I think of suicide when I wake and before sleep every day and the feelings are getting stronger and stronger towards it. I’m scared for my children.

                    3. Thank you so much for your condolences. It means a lot. I’m sorry it’s been so hard. Caring for yourself and young children after being left is very difficult to manage financially, physically and emotionally. And given what you’ve said, it sounds like the depression is getting worse. This is a medical condition that can be treated. I do think you love and treasure your three children and you are struggling to fight for yourself and it sounds like it’s getting harder. Given that, please reach out for help. Is there a friend you can ask? And if you tell me a location (not your address but city and state) I can see if I can find local resources to get you started. I know you do not have much energy and the thought of reaching out is overwhelming. But I want to help you save your own life. So I’m here to help you take that step for you and your family’s sake. I know you want help. I’m honored you had the courage to comment. Thank you.

            2. I’ll never quit meth and will never complete my federal supervision as I do good and then a dirty and they lock me up long enough to lose everything and start over my 3 yr supervision. It causes stress
              On my family and friends. I need to just quit getting high. I only have one way to do it I think

              1. It sounds as if you are frustrated with how hard it is to find and then start in sobriety. And equally as frustrating that it undoes any progress you have made. That has to feel like it won’t improve. To me it looks like you have recognized a pattern. And in my experience, that is progress because you are not denying it. I actually feel as if you are further along to finding recovery than you think. Good god it looks hard from the outside as I have watched friends and loved ones struggle. But while all of this has been happening you have been building strategies, strength and resilience. You can’t be some weakling to have made it through so many. So what might be triggering your relapses? Is there some feeling that precedes them? And I do. Have confidence you have the strength to find recovery. I do see that those who work in recovery tend to be able to hold onto it. Recovery is ugly all dotted with relapses and starting over. But you are not starting from scratch with each one. There is progress there. I hope you will give yourself credit for that. You are one strong person. And I hope you are getting the support you deserve

      1. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t hide it and pretend but I don’t want to cause stress and hurt to the ones I love even though I know in time they’ll realise they are better off without me.

        Sorry I’ve jumped on someone else’s thread, I couldn’t work out how to make my own.

        1. L that’s ok that you replied to another comment. I am just glad you found a way to do it at all. When that intense moment of pain hits it’s hard to do anything beyond suffer. I am am sorry you are. Do tell me about what is hurting. I want to hear.

  56. I’m done with this life. My whole i have done nothing but screw up. Within the last year i lost my job, forced to take a manual labor job that i hated, my wife wanted to separate, i was forced to rent a room alone. Im now living with my parents who fight constantly adding to my stress. Im under pressure in my studies that my parents were forced to help me with financially because I could not get any financial help from the usual agencies.

    My wife IS better off without me. She has told me numerous times (not to be mean to me). She now is looking to date again which I don’t want her to, not because I’m controlling but because I love her so much.

    I only see my kids every second weekend because I live in a different town. They are growing up without me. The other day my son had to be taken to the doctor and I wasn’t there for him because of my mistakes.

    My wife and kids have support from both our families. My parents are even covering child support for me because I can’t.

    I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of the stress. I’m tired of the sadness. I’m tired of making mistakes. Im tired of being a burden. I’m tired of not being where I want to be with who I want to be with; which is with my wife in the house we both own.

    This is the second time I’ve seriously considered suicide in two weeks. Two of my kids are with me. I’m going to spend time with them, go help out a friend, write my note and hang myself. Some pain and then nothing.

    I’m sick of the usual bullshit that things will get better, that better days are ahead, that i should seek help, that I am strong, that I should focus on the positives, that I should focus on my studies, that I should enjoy my children. I am no longer happy. My mind can’t think anymore. Every night I don’t want to sleep because then another day begins and, when it does, I’m disappointed.

    I’ve tried counsellors, I’ve tried medication, I tried looking at the positives but nothing works.

    My family will be better off without me. I’m finishef

    1. First of all, thank you for writing about your pain and offering so much detail. It really sounds excruciating. And I HATE when someone tries to talk me out of how I feel and tho s some rosy picture in front of me. I am not going to do any of that. A lot of shit has happened to you and it’s driving these thoughts of worthlessness and honestly if I were there I would just hug you because I have felt hurt this bad. I can’t help but admire you for still trying to keep up with your studies during all of this. It’s pretty remarkable. But how would your kids feel if you died by suicide? Would they feel responsible like I feel about my son’s suicide? You can al aye put off suicide for another day or week to think that through. Do come back and tell me more or how it is today if you want. I would be honored to hear it. I am here. I am listening.

      1. The kids will be fine. They are being looked after. I’m a shit dad anyway. When they are here I hardly do anything with them because I just don’t feel up to it. They are better off without me.

        I’m only studying because I lost my job as a software developer because of my own mistakes!

        My wife is better off without me. My kids will be better off without me. My family will be better off without me. I’m just taking up space and costing money.

        My last glimmer of hope was that my wife and I might get back together but she has confirmed that will never happen so that hope is now gone. I don’t want anyone else and I can’t live with her being with anyone else. Thinking about it is agony.

        If I am not feeling pain then I am feeling nothing. I am dead inside so I might as well be dead on the outside too. Everyone has to face death at some point in their life

        1. I’m so sorry Sean. But I will add that as as suicide loss survivor, losing a loved one that way has lifetime consequences. They will struggle and suffer as a result of your suicide. I know because I get the applications for a mental health organization and see the impact a suicide has on the kids who are left behind. They have lifelong struggles and need a lot of support, even if they are not that close to a parent when that parent dies. But I also understand and appreciate how you feel. The depression right now is sucking up your motivation.

          When someone you love doesn’t love you back, it’s a grief process. I know that feeling well and at first I didn’t think I would survive it. Somehow I did. But this is about you. Keep talking to me. I’m listening.

          1. I just can’t stop imagining her going out to dinner with another guy, then him moving into my house, into my bed with my wife looking after my kids. That is my family, my whole reason for living and now I have been pushed aside. I hardly see my kids now. So what is the point of going on.

            Every time I feel like my life is going well it all crashes down on me. Well I have had enough. I have a vision for my life and that is all gone now. My whole reason of living has been taken away from me.

            1. First, thank you so much for coming and commenting. I cried I was so glad you are still alive. I am grateful to you for that. I suffered so much from projecting scenarios like you have here that might or might not ever happen. I had to go to a support group for parents of children who were addicted to work through so many of my issues. And after to a group for support through grief.

              You are in a tough place for sure. After charles’ suicide I lived, not because I wanted to be here or was motivated to stay but because I felt obligated to live. That was at first. I looked for support.

              Sean if you leave us you take all your big heart with you. All your talents, gifts, potential that you have no idea you have. If you leave, we would be cheated out of what you could become. Your kids would be cheated out of a future relationship you don’t even know you will have. There is only one you. Only one ever in the history of the world. That beautiful person deserves to find support and love. Would you be open to finding a support group for those going through divorce? Just find that one thing for you right now and not worry about all the rest? Keep talking. I’m listening

              1. Still here. Today I wrote my note. Just now I tested it with my tie. Two seconds in and I could feel myself going numb. It was quite pleasant.

                It’s a comfort to know that I can go whenever I want. That is the only part of my life I control now.

                1. Let me ask you this. Who would find you? Can you imagine if you found someone after they have completed a suicide? It is the most gut-wrenching scene to find a loved one dead like that. We feel forever responsible somehow. And the final scenery never leaves you. It is in dreams, thoughts and they are hard to push away.

                  Second. Can you take one step to help yourself? Just one. Give yourself a chance? A support group? A therapist? A friend? Let me know and I can help you know what to say or how to find support. I am here. Keep talking. Thank you for coming back. If you can not reply to this message because of the reply limit of the software, start a new one.

                  1. I’m still here. I went to therapy on Wednesday but I don’t think it will make a difference. I’m not going to hang myself but I have updated my plan. I am just waiting for whatever comes next to tip me over the edge.

                    1. I am thankful. Can you try something for me. Your brain is stuck in a negative spiral and it just keeps playing that same theme and making you feel bad. You can retrain it. This is simple but will be hard in your state of mind. First thing in the morning find one thing that you can appreciate. For me if it’s clear outside I like to go look at the blue sky with clouds and just stare at it and think “this is beautiful.” Or if it’s cloudy I think of one thing I am grateful for. This is really hard in a depressed state. I set my intention that I was the boss of my brain. Slowly things started to change. This has scientific merit. I would also say in the morning “i am the boss of my brain and I will see beauty. “ That was right after my son killed himself. I know it sounds ridiculous but if you want things to change we have to get that brain out of its negative cycle working against you. I can’t make you set this intention. But I think your kids are worth it. They are still there. They are not dead like my child so there is always hope you will one day have the kind of relationship you want. Thank you so so much for coming back and talking. I am honored beyond words and grateful for your boys that you are still here.

      2. There are two pictures. One of me and my wife and one of our three kids. Everytime I walk past them the pain returns. I can’t live on with this pain. I try to find something to be happy about each morning but each morning the first thing I think is that I’m not where I’m supposed to be with who I’m supposed to be with and that drags me down for the whole day.

        1. It takes a while before your brain starts to respond differently. It took me a while to look at a picture and see it another way. I didn’t think I could live through the pain. It was everywhere so I told myself that as bad as it was right then nothing could be worse than the shock of getting the news. It was all I could do for a while. And then the one thing I was grateful for every morning which was sometimes something ridiculous like “I am grateful charles wasn’t kidnapped and tortured by a serial killer” But I keep at it. I believed it would work and it did. But it took a while. I can’t even remember how long. It was a place to start. Your boys are a reason to live. They would want their dad. What’s more I want you to live and I am very grateful you keep coming back because it shows effort and courage in the face of devastation. I appreciate that you trust me with the conversation. Thank you for that. I feel your pain. I do want you to live through the pain. And I have confidence you can.

          1. I don’t think that Ann actually cares about the people that post. I could harm myself and her blog post would get another review and she’d get money for it .

            1. I get paid nothing for this blog and it costs me one thousand a year to run it. That’s why you see no ads on it. Let me know how I can help you? I am listening. If you respond I will read and reply.

              1. Hi Anne. You sound like a wonderful person. I am so sorry to hear about your son. At the same time I cannot help but be envious of him.

                I am 27 years old. I have struggled with anxiety since I was a teen. The past few years I have searched for help. I have seen physicians who stated “everyone gets anxious, we cannot help you”, as well as physicians who went out of their way to help and accommodate me.

                Alas, I waited until 23 to attend community college, which I failed out of in the last semester. I currently make $37000 per year at a job that I think is killing me.

                I have so much love for the people in my life. I do not want to cause them pain. However I do not see a fulfilling future for myself. I have felt this way for years and years. I think finally things are coming to a close and I am ready to go.

                I can’t seem to enjoy a normal life like those around me. Yes everyone has troubles but I wake up everyday dreading my day. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like life is one step forward followed by three steps backwards.
                I guess I am asking this:

                How can I minimize the pain that my death will cause others?

                I am the baby of the family. My parents will be devastated, I know. How can I offer them relief once I am gone? How can I help them understand that this is the solution that I am happy with?

                Thank you for your time and your work. I’m sure you have helped thousands, and again I am so sorry about your son. I am sure he loved you more than you know.

                I apologize for interrupting, I could not find a button to start my own thread.

                1. Wherever you post is perfectly fine and I’m so glad you wrote all of what you are feeling. I am honored you did and found this page. And I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, too. I can tell you there is no way to soften the blow of your suicide. Your family would be devastated. The fact that you are worried about your family says so much about what a loving and thoughtful person you are.

                  Depression tends to get brains stuck in a negative cycle and the way to healing is to jump start it out of that cycle and the only one who can do it is you. But telling your family how you feel can get the process started in some cases. If you have not already told them. Connecting with your family helps you find the incentive to find healing. No one should suffer alone. I won’t let you.

                  You can reply to this. Keep talking.

          1. Above you say that you can get your brain out of a negative cycle by jump starting it. Well everytime I jump start it, or if some starts to go right with my life, it all comes crashing down around me. Either through my own fault or just shit happening. Either way I am left with a mess.

            Ive had enough of it.

            1. I get that. It does suck when one thing after another happens. The front part of your brain, the amygdala wants to keep you in that negative mode and it takes persistent effort to get it out of that mode. When we are depressed, that’s really really hard. Once I learned about the science behind it, I could get from under the despair. There is a book about how to get your brain out of the cycle that keeps sabotaging us. One is How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention. And the other, I have to find the title to because I want to read it. It’s more about how one can work themselves out of a depression when everything is exploding. I heard about it on a podcast. This one. I was a guest on the podcast and listened to some episodes first and this author was intriguing.

              1. I met an amazing woman online. We chatted for a week and had the most amazing conversations. I know that we had a connection as she said so. We met and the next day she said that she had issues to work through and was not ready for a relationship. That broke me.

                That incident sums up my entire life perfectly. If something goes right then life redresses the balance.

                1. The good news is that someone was interested. The fact that she had things to work through is no reflection on you. You have a lot to offer, Sean. I believe that before I can attach myself to another, I have to get myself straight. And after Charles’ suicide, all I could see was terrible stuff and the good stuff just couldn’t get through.

                  You have had a huge blow. I feel your hurt and I understand it. And it’s OK that you feel devastated. I’m just honored you are talking to me, that I am worthy enough for you to tell me how you are struggling. Just let me know how I can help and I can always listen and reply back.

                  1. I am so scarred and beaten. I have suffered so many blows throughout my life and I honestly don’t know how much more I can endure. Maybe one more devastating blow and I will be done.

                  2. Also I did not take care of the kids well this weekend and my ex told me it was not good enough. Something I had heard a lot in my life and i’m sick of hearing it. I want to get back with her but I don’t know how

                    1. She does not sound like she is trying to help you out here. I know you still have feelings for her though. It’s still raw. It doesn’t matter how many other men have gotten through this when you are the one going through it. It just hurts. Have you thought about a divorce support group? I am glad you are talking about it. Men don’t get to talk about what hurts. But I know you will raise your boys to express themselves.

                    2. Hi Anne,
                      It’s strange how most of the time it is easier to talk to a complete stranger about your darkest and truest secrets and emotions, but i am thankful you have this. I have battled depression almost all my life on my own because most people around me does not take it seriously or does not know how to or want to deal with it. I’ve tried my best to help myself by putting energy into writing music, caring for others, or numbing myself through drug use. I am now at a point where i don’t know what else to do or who i can talk to or how to even make things better, which has brought me to a conclusion that there is only one way out. I know deep inside that i don’t want to die, i just don’t want to live like this anymore. It feels like i am already dying by living in a way i do not want to, so i rather end the pain faster.

                    3. First I feel honored you made the comment. It’s very courageous. I can tell you are miserable fighting for your life all the time. And you are really brave to have endured so much pain. Honestly. It has to be exhausting. However if you take your life you take hope and your potential with you. You have no idea yet what you can accomplish or overcome. I am actually very confident you can get to a place where you can find joy. From your comment I just feel it is within you.

                      Let me ask you this. Is there someone in your life you care about? If so, tell me about that person.

    2. Sean,
      I feel the same.
      I am in my 40s having given my all for 17 yrs to my husband. I became chronically ill, can’t hold a job, and he walked out on my son and I. He sends no support. My own family won’t help. Most friends walked away. I am home bound and supposed to take care of my son alone. 9 mos I’ve struggled and tried. I cry every day for hours. Meds, therapy…they do nothing. I pray and pray God will send help, but clearly my faith is not good enough. I wanted to end my life back then. But I listened to those who said things would change, and held on. But they have only gotten worse. My husband would never want to come back to a “sick” wife. His life is great. He has family and friends who encourage him to move on and find a new wife who isn’t sick. As if this was a choice of mine.
      Unless people hit this rock bottom it’s easy for them to say hold on, this is your brain etc. I’ve lived through enough trauma thinking others know better and it was me who needed to see that things could improve. But after decades of seeing it never gets better, I realize the only power we have is over what we can do. That means taking my life, so my son can go to a better home. My husband is free to find someone else, and my family does not ever have to worry about tolerating me.
      I am now trying to find the sure way of ending it.
      Trust me, there will be no one who will grieve over this and struggle. They will all be free to move on. It’s me staying around that traps them into obligation.

    3. I’m really struggling today. I can’t take living with my mom anymore. It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing. I’m tired of being single and alone. Depression is wanting to crawl out of your own skin and just be somebody else. The person you always envisioned yourself to be.
      I’m losing this fight

      1. Gene, I am so sorry. Have you looked at the comments you have gotten from others on your post? You have a lot of supporters out there.

        What would be a first step to getting out of the basement (other than the one that your brain keeps pushing)? How can you find support outside your mothers home? Is your mom empathetic to your situation?

        You are suffering from lack of human connection and I can see and feel that it’s just festering. Keep talking. I am listening. I can’t fix but I can be here.

  57. You seem like an amazing person, Anne, putting in the time and effort to reassure others in crisis. I’ve managed to get through over a decade of suicidal thoughts and have done so many amazing things in those ten years that I never would have if I killed myself, but I’m going through a life transition right now that’s making me see life as unfriendly and disjointed and one I can’t live in for much longer. Seeing your dedication to helping people and how you’ve been able to channel the hurt from your son’s death into preventing more like it makes me feel life is a little friendlier and pain is a little more possible to live through. Thank you for this page and I’m so sorry for your loss. x

    1. How utterly amazing and strong you are to have lived through this pain over the years and still manage to contribute and make a difference. It is all of the commenters here that helped me understand suicidal thoughts which helped me understand my son’s death was not my fault. I’ve written a book that will be out Oct 2019 that I hope helps others understand suicide and the illnesses that often trigger it. Maybe then we’ll see more people connecting, listening and reaching out. We so need people like you to stay because you are the connectors. Thank you for taking the time to comment. Thank you for your compassion.

    2. I am 62 yrs old man and I am struggling to survive on my disability pension. I have lived with chronic back pain for 20 plus yrs. I have had 2 back surgeries and the second one made me worse. that was in Jan. 2000. I have not much hope for any future or relief from pain and poverty. I am sick of meds for pain and depression.

      1. Oh Ricky I’m so sorry you are suffering from both emotional and mental pain. And a back surgery that made things worse. That’s so unfair and I feel your pain. Do you have family? Pets? Tell me more about your life. I’m here. I’m listening.

    1. Louise – I’m so sorry you feel this pain. Depression is dark. My son wrote a lot about it. Can you tell me more? Let me know how I can hellp but I am here to answer your reply.

    2. You don’t want to do this. Trust me. There are so many people that love you and that would devastated if you killed yourself. So please… stay.

      1. You are in such pain. I am so sorry you are and if I were a friend and there with you I would give you a hug. And I would listen without judgement. Thank you for posting here at a time when it must have been excruciating to do so. You don’t deserve the agony you feel.

      2. temmie,

        I just came across this site to find answers to why my son’s friend committed suicide this week and just read your post. I want you to know there are so many people that love you who do not realize you are hurting. Known of us knew how much my son’s friend was hurting. If we only knew, maybe we could have helped. Please, Please let those around you know how you feel and what you are thinking. They want to help. God Bless You.

        1. This just isn’t true. I have talked to those closest to me about my immense pain, my overwhelming feelings of despair and none of them care. I am so alone and just can’t bear the pain of life anymore. There is nothing positive. Every day when I wake up I’m angry that I woke up!! I just want to die.

  58. Anne I’m sorry for the loss of your son. I think it’s amazing what you’re doing. Unfortunately, I stumbled across this site for the most obvious of reasons. I’ve had what I’m assuming is bipolar disorder for a really long time. Became rapid cycling very long ago. Became rapid around the time I was your son’s age. Being incredibly impulsive is obviously a great danger to somebody experiencing these thoughts.

    I’m definitely not a rapper but I’ve actually written rap eerily similar to your son’s and even tried recording it myself at one point. I recognized the sincere helpless emotion I saw in your son’s video immediately. I’m kind of tone deaf though. Unfortunate for my rap career.

    I am very creative. I’m sensing your son was as well. His rhymes were very strong and well written. Good poetry. I’m actually a 30 year old parent of two boys myself and have no business on this site. I love them a great deal. My greatest fear is that they grow up to have the feelings I have. I don’t care if they grow up to be gay, straight, chubby, slim, nerdy, or athletic. I just want them to be happy. I’m very concerned that they won’t be able to learn that from me. There’s obviously many other layers to that line of thinking that I won’t get into at the moment. I just want you to know that the sincerity and empathy regarding my condolences can not be overstated. I am really blown away by what you’ve done here to try and prevent another mother/father/brother/sister/friend/acquaintance from feeling the same helpless despair.

    If I had any kind of drug altering my state of mind at any point in time, I would not be here today. I know that. I grew up around them and luckily had the response that caused me to turn them down my whole life. I only bring that up because prior to having children, it was thinking about my family’s grief that always caused me to just live with the pain- so they didn’t have to. From that video alone I can see that your son was incredibly empathetic like myself. I dont think he would have done that to you guys with a clear state of mind. I just can’t imagine the wide range of emotions you’ve endured, and even reading this will incite.

    Lastly, I hope Charles’ brother is doing well. I really hope you both find happiness as hard as it must be at times. I wish the best to you and yours.

    I’m gonna stick around for a while. Thank you. Take care Anne.


    1. Hi Jake. Thank you so much for commenting. I read and reply to all of these. Bipolar is a tough mental illness to manage. I have three writers here who have it: Tammy Ozolins, Paul Buskey, John Farrow. This is Tammy’s post about rapid cycling.

      Isn’t it funny how that gift of creativity comes with mental illness. Charles was a creative genius. I marveled at it his whole life. He could make me laugh so hard my muscles would hurt the next day. And I know he didn’t kill himself to hurt us. I wrote a book that included a lot of his unpublished lyrics because it helped me understand the why behind suicide, addiction and mental illness. And yes, he was an empath like you. Give yourself credit for having this mental illness and surviving and even having a family. That take an enormous amount of strength to manage all of that in the most normal of circumstances much less with an illness.

      Charles’ brother is doing well. He’s been awesome to be, never asking me to stop crying and just giving me a hug when the tears flow. He’s in LA living his dream as a filmmaker. Feel free to stop by and even to write something for the site. I think a lot of people would like to read about a dad who suffers these thoughts. And I’m glad you didn’t go the substance route. So many with bipolar struggle with substance use disorder. And I’d love to read one of your rap songs. Thanks again for writing something. It means a lot to me.

        1. During that twenty minute episode when the brain thinks irrationally, most want to die. But after that attack, they are frightened and want to live. Most I talk to do want to tell and get help.

  59. Hi Anne,

    It’s strange where life takes you, I googled searching for a way to stop the pain and I found this.

    The sight of your son Charles and the feeling of love you felt leapt off the page.

    I am alone, I don’t know who to talk to. I am 38 but was abused by my grandfather when I was 6. I feel hopeless and useless and ashamed.

    I’ve never told anyone, until you.
    Seeing your boy, has spoken to me in a way nothing else I’ve seen or heard has in a long time.

    Thank you Anne x

    1. It’s thoughtful notes like this one that keep me motivated to do what I do. Anthea, no child deserves the abuse you suffered at the tender young age of six. It does affect your brain development and can trigger thoughts of suicide. But that does not mean its “incurable.”

      Thank you for saying what you did about my sweet boy. It means so much to me. And feel free to write more about your pain. I’m listening and I’m not ashamed of you. I have only empathy and understanding for what was a horrible violation of your young innocence. You are a survivor. You are courageous and unbelievably strong because you have endured something few of us have.

      1. Hi Anne,

        Thank you for your supportive words to my Sister, Anthea. She told me everything a week after she wrote on this website, the abuse, the shame, the depression, her darkness.
        I thought this was the first step for her, telling you and then telling me. She seemed to come back to us, her family. Then three weeks ago, she actually tried to commit suicide. She is now in an inpatient unit receiving help and treatment. Our lives our changed forever. I wanted to say that what you do is monumental and brave, it deserves nothing but the utmost respect. Thank you x

        1. Thank you so much. I often don’t know what happens but the fact that she is alive, getting help and has people who love her is good news. And attempts do change us. Thank you again and do update me.

  60. Hello
    My mother constantly saying I am disgrace my father kick me out plz no one love me I write this on street

      1. Wow. Helena. You are so brave. How awful you were treated that way. I am so sorry. Thank you for reporting back to me and letting me know you are OK. It sounds like your parents have been abusive and I am so sorry you are having to endure that.

  61. Good afternoon

    Ive stumbled across your blog as I search for the courage to end my life.

    The pain is intolerable and as I reach out, I find no hands that can take mine.

    I have let everyone down – I am a middle aged man. I was married for 32 years but knew that I was gay from the age of 14.

    I left the family home 12 months ago. My children are all grown up and I know that I was making my wife and my families life totally miserable.

    I met the most amazing person and experience a love that I have never felt before. We have been together now for 10 month’s. We are both the same age and have both been through the same life experiences.

    We are on the verge of moving in together. We both have good jobs and a good income.

    But my anxiety has got the better of me. I feel such a burden to him. My self esteem and self worth have been crushed.

    The overriding negative thoughts crush me on a minute by minute basis and I just cant stand it any longer.

    The lonliness is intolerable and bit by bit my support network has disappeared.

    Im not ashamed of being gay – I take full responsibility for the hurt that I have caused. I was dammed either way.

    But I love this man with more love than I have ever experienced but I cannot cope any longer with the feelings of complete lonliness and the feelings of worthlessness.

    I have tried counselling and have spent many thousands of pounds.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this.

    1. Oh Will. I’m so sorry you feel this way. Feel such pain. I suspect this man you love, loves you back just as much. How would he feel if you left him? I know how I felt when my son killed himself and will be forever scarred. I am not angry with my son, just sorry he didn’t confide in me or trust me with the information that he wanted to die. It is a gift of love to share with that special person what is hurting your soul.

      At the very least if you are not ready to tell, ask your new love for a hug and tell him you will confide later but at that point, you just need that special human contact only he can deliver.

  62. I just want to die my wife hates me i can’t do anything right! My kids would be better off without me in there life I just want it all to end I’m done

    1. Brandon. I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. Why do you think your wife hates you? I hope I have replied to you in time. I hope you are still here. Please tell me more if your are.

  63. I came here looking for more instructions on a foolproof way to hang myself but instead I found more of the same crap advice.. How do you know what it feels like?.. Do you really feel our pain?.. I am going to kill myself as soon as the school holidays start so that I can be sure that I’ll be alone and no1 will find me for at least 5-6 hours.. Why do I want to kill mysel?.. I am extremely depressed and on top of that I am agoraphobic and I haven’t left the house in 4 years.. I am 22 years old with nothing to live for.. No wife, no kids, no job, no higher education.. The only way I can get help is by going outside but my agoraphobia won’t let me.. I’ve tried but I can’t.. I live with my parents and my older sister.. They all she me suffering but no1 cares.. My life right now is a complete blur.. I have chronic insomnia so I barely sleep but when I do it’s only for 1,2 hours at a time.. I can’t keep living like this.. There is no point in me being here since I have lost all hope and have no desire to continue living.. I would love to hear what your advice is on my situation and if it’s more of the “don’t give up and things will get better” nonsense then just leave.. Sorry if I’m being rude but I wasted too much time and money on psychologists and people looking at my life from the outside and telling me they share my pain.. I highly doubt that they do.

    1. Chad thank you for challenging me and do know I am no psychologist. And thank you for commenting, too. I can’t know exactly how it feels to have thoughts of suicide. I can try to stand in your shoes and chew your gum but I may never understand the truly unrelenting pain you feel. Just like my friends will never truly know the pain of losing a child to suicide unless it happens to them which I don’t want to happen. I want to acknowledge having talked to people in active suicidal ideation for the twenty minutes of intensity has helped me see how it really is a brain attack and to learn as much as I can from the outside. I will also say you are 22 and currently not tied to any one romantic relationship so it really is the best time to work on you. You have to love you first and I believe you can because I have seen this transformation by people your age experiencing what you are experiencing.

      At this point, all these things you listed are exacerbating each other and making them worse. I admit to shedding a few tears of my own over your dilemma in an empathetic way because it must be very hard. A magic wand would come in handy but that is not an option.

      Start by telling yourself three things even if you don’t believe them. You are even allowed to scoff at yourself as you say them. Just say them daily.
      #1- I can always kill myself later but I’m not going to do it today
      #2- I can overcome this
      #3- Tell yourself one good thing about yourself every morning.

      At first #3 might be really lame like, “I have great eyebrows.” Just get started with the habit.

      Then write yourself an honest letter why you have not killed yourself before. Leave it alone for a day or two and go back and read it. That will help you get some perspective and later help you see from where you have come.

      Then focus on tackling just one thing first and I would start with the sleep. I struggled with this. Charles struggled with this. It is the crucial and cruel first step to everything you mentioned. My issue was extreme sadness related to traumatic grief from having lost Charles to suicide.

      I heard a video of a researcher say that the biggest obstacle for sleep is overthinking it. Our minds are the culprits when our sleep is disrupted. So I told myself I could sleep and told myself I could do this. Again, blind faith.

      Instead of doing that whole series of video, I
      #1- Read up on sleep hygiene and did everything on the list -
      #2- Then I did an 8-minute meditation on YouTube every night -

      The first night I got more sleep than I had in a while and my attitude improved the more sleep I got.

      I wrote one-two posts for this site during the day and followed that sleep routine for a few weeks until I was getting more rest. As I got more rest, some of my issues went away, I was better able to cope but the fact that my son was gone was still a truth I had to deal with. Although the grief delivered unrelenting pain, I was able to cope better. I tackled sleep first and basically went on blind faith that I would be able to resolve it.

      You are allowed to tell me all this is a joke or that I’m crazy or you’ve done it before. This worked for me to work through this pain and I grew so much by doing it. I believe you can and on some level I think you want things to get better. It starts with you. And I think you are worth it.

      1. Idk how to post my own topic. But you really don’t understand the despair of suicidal thought. I destroyed my life Saturday night after a hard fought second chance five years ago. My youngest hates me because he’s hooked on drugs. My fiancé is leaving me because I’m going to jail now for a long time. Hell its because of her cheating ways and my obsession to catch her doing it that led to my newest and most destructive downfall. I have no choice now. Suicide is the only option sometimes and people like you just think they can save them all. I read the blog where the guy asked you to spend time on the phone. You refused. You could have been his last hope for reaching out. How can you say you care about us like you do when your precious blog time is worth more to you than our souls crying out for someone, anyone to talk to and when they person found your blog and thought here is someone finally, you reject him. It’s rejection plainly. But you don’t see it because your heart can’t possibly truly be in this if you couldn’t give they person five minutes of your time.
        Suicide is sometimes the only way. We didn’t ask to come into this world. We can check out whenever we wish. It’s a courage and it takes great strength to kill yourself. I’m doing it because the future ahead has no light. There is nothing left. I need that magic wand but it doesn’t exist.

        1. You are right. I can’t possibly know the pain of suicidal thinking. I only know the pain of a loss by suicide which is brutal. I didn’t think I would survive it. And I am so sorry about the cheating. That does make human beings do things they would not ordinarily do. Betrayal by those we love is particularly painful.

          By the way, I didn’t have to approve the comment from the guy who asked me to call. But I did because i am Emotionally naked and human. And I can’t handle the volume of requests I get getting through this site and YouTube and I need to find a solution other than the National hotline. I get thousands of requests per month. I answer all of them by writing and spend a lot of time on the phone with parents who have lost children to suicide and I don’t always have the emotional strength at the end of the day. Besides that until last week my voice was just a whisper and speaking was tough due to radiation for a brain tumor. But the voice is back since surgery. I do need to find a solution because one person, me, cannot meet the 24/7 demand of people needing emotional connection

          1. I’m sorry for jumping all over you. You’ve been through the pain. I am in pain too. I just read the comments in the media about me. I am destroyed. My life is over. There is no other alternative for me. I’m scared to do it but more scared about what I face if I do not. There is nothing left for me now. My business is destroyed. My life is destroyed. Why does the sun keep rising ?? It just needs to stay dark out and time needs to stand still.

            1. It’s OK about the anger. When people are in pain, men especially, they are angry and I can understand and respect that. It’s not like you have full control over emotions during a brain attack as serious as suicidal thoughts. My having an expectation that your manners would be perfect would be like me expecting you to jump rope smiling while having a heart attack.

              About the comments in the media. Ouch. I hate how those articles rub salt into an open wound. And the comment about “Why does the sun keep rising?” I have felt that. How can a normal world move forward in the wake of my tragedy? It pinned me to my mattress and I thought the same thing. I have also had the feeling that I wanted to undo my actions. I really wanted to peel back the edges of yesterday for a do over. I do have regrets that I work through. But I have not experienced the whole picture you describe and I can feel your hurt and pain when I read it. I think it’s OK to wallow in that pain and scream at the walls but I’m hoping you don’t kill yourself although I can understand the intensity of that emotion in your situation.

              Tiffany, Charles’ girlfriend, spent time in Rykers. She pretty much had destroyed her life but she has persevered and is out now and has slowly rebuilt it. So sentences do end. In her case, she used that time to get her GED and work on training that they offered. I think our criminal justice system needs a lot of repair. People need care and connection and not to be put on layaway. I know you need that, too.

              About the tumor. It’s toast thanks to radiation which caused other issues. It was benign tumor but since 1999 has wreaked unholy havoc. I’m left with some issues but overall, since my voice is restored, I’m feeling better. Thank you for your kind words.

    2. Chad, I can say I do know that feeling when somebody will say to me, I can only imagine what you’re going through. Oh BS I had a Brain Tumor the size of a softball that went undiagnosed for six years. Took three surgeons sixteen hours to get out. Now I have scaring to the brain. I will have depression, anxiety, anger outbreaks and PTSD for the rest of my life. I have to see a Dr every week. And I ask myself “this is my life, who wants to be me”? I sure in the he double toothpicks don’t. The only thing that keeps me going you would think would be my husband of 34 years. NO! My 3 kids or 2 grandkids. NO! I am a believer as extremely hard as it may by and I’m lousy doing it. I just not want to end up in the oven down below if you get my hit. Dont live for the day I live in the moment. Minute by minute. Hope this helps a bit!

    3. Chad I feel ur pain..I suffered with trauma, abuse, mental illness, abdonment, addictions, incarceration..Yet I overcame all thos odds just to b swallowed up by this world..My 1st born my 25 yr old son with out warning, without signs hung himself 43 days ago..All I remember is the phone ringing as i answered it I saw it was 5:04 am it was my hubby He said OMG Jessie Im so sorry…And I wasnt even awake yet never imagined what he would say next..I just found our son Hanging hes dead baby hes dead..I hit my knees and the sobbing and screams

      i heard coming from myself were unreal..Honestly dont know how long I was on the floor just screeming, I know my 19 yr old heard me n came in the kitchen and picked me up off the floor and held me..My phone was smashed to pieces..The rest is a blur because all those things I have battled and overcame they all came flooding back..Since my sons funeral 6 weeks ago I have issolated to my room, my borderline personality disorder mixed with this unreal grief is trying to kill me..My agoraphobia is in full effect…Im obsessed with my son, his suicide, and reaseaching every thing from traumas, to mental illness to how a perfectly happy son about to celebrate his 26 th bday could just spontaneously hang himself I feel like WTH…For 1 he didnt break my heart he tore it from my chest and took it with him,He took my hopes, my dreams of his life…He didnt give me a chance to save him to just show him how much I love him, hell if he needed my heart I would have gladly ripped it from my own chest and gave it to him just to keep him here…

      Do u know when a loved one commits suicide its a domino effect? ur suicide to lead to those who love u to just die 2…Im now battling his suicide my mental illness coming on full force, the want to fall into my old addiction to escape and this constant desire to just take my last breath and b with him and im not a suicidal person but this has pushed me to an unreal level of darkness..Im bearing my soul so maybe u will just take these few min to read this and ur desire to end ur pain will pass and u can stay just a bit longer..I dont know u but I feel u and I love u…I do hope my message and my sons message saves someone…I wonder what his last thought was..Is he an angel standing by watching me just shatter into a million pieces that would b difficult to have to stand by and see what ur death did to those u love..And yes im mad at him…Did he not know he was my 1st born I had him at 16 yrs old…Was on the street on our own our bond was so unique..He enspired me and encouraged me to b the best person I can b…SO Im gonna do what ever I have 2 so I can keep breathing and not cause this pain to those I love…With his death if my other kids or hubby lost me Im sure they would fall into this darkness and then all of a sudden most my family is dead I refuse to let that happen….Im here n cant sleep ch if u need to talk…Love Eric Christophers MAMA 9/25/1994 to 9/13/2020

      1. Thank you for your story and for being so naked in your pain. I know how this feels. As you travel your path to healing, please do find support and be open to learning more about what suicide is. This page alone has educated me to help me understand that episode of darkness so intense, that someone in it is driven to stop the pain by killing themselves. I don’t understand completely because I’ve never suffered in this way. But by reading my son’s music lyrics which I incorporated in my book, Diary of a Broken Mind, and by reading what all these lovely people who took the time to comment here, I’ve learned more than I could anywhere. It inspired me to talk to those with lived experience which I’ve done at Out of the Darkness Walks. And they’ve been generous in their explanations helping me understand the state of mind my own son was in. It has been a long journey but time and education and support all helped. Feeling the feelings helped. And it took me a while to learn the rhythm, accept the death, manage the pain, and learn to walk beside grief in my life. I love that you are writing here. You have my blessing. It has helped me tremendously and you are more than welcome to express your hurt and despair this way. Most of us here understand from some point of view.

  64. I made another attempt at suicide not too long ago. I’m living with the guilt of it now. In some ways I wish I had passed out sooner so I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to free myself. It’s so hard to die yet so hard to live.

    1. I’m so sorry. In my experience, those with those thoughts feel such shame after and I wish that wasn’t the case. I don’t think you should feel ashamed for something for a brain attack because that’s what it is. It’s like trying to control a heart attack. What courage it took to free yourself. I think you are very brave and trying hard to stay.

      1. i am such a waste of time i have never done anything useful in my
        65 years i have had depression all my life the suicidal thoughts have just got stronger with the passing years i am just waiting for my father(he is 97)to pass when he does i will wait for awhile so my sister doesn’t have 2 funerals to worry about at the same time.i have every thing planned how where why i just don t know when.i wasn’t planning to be still alive now i really wish i wasn’t i couldn’t help myself i told the wrong person what i was going to do as a result i ended up in a mental health ward for 5 weeks

        1. I am so sorry you hurt this much for so long. I see that is wears on you and understand your feelings of worthlessness. That seems to come from the brain attack known as suicidal thinking. And your friend did not betray you but instead is guilty of loving you enough to try and get you help. You are fortunate to have family and friends who live you. Not everyone has that.

        2. I’ve never met you, my only interaction with you is through this comment section, but if I’m sure of anything it’s that you have accomplished more than a person could even imagine in your 65 years, and you don’t realize it. I’m sure you’ve improved countless lives, and gave people the strength that you need to live.
          I hope you spend a lot of time with your father in his final years, and are there for your sister when he passes, and I hope you allow her to be there for you.
          I also regret telling someone how I feel, and when I was in the hospital I felt so trapped. For me it was too much, and it caused a lot of unnecessary stress. That might be what’s happening to you. Maybe you need a little more of a hands off approach, but you should definitely consult a doctor. It’s not a bad thing to ask for help, and I sincerely hope you get better.

  65. Hi anne hope you are ok and your family xxx god bless you hun thank you for your help and advice and support im very very grateful for your help lots of love from debbi and reece x xXx 😘😘😘😘

    1. Debbi it’s so nice to hear from you. And have a name for your sweet son, Reece. Thank you for letting me know you are still here. I know you must be working hard on yourself and I’m delighted. You can let me know how it’s going and you know you are always welcome here even when you feel darkness.

  66. Hi there, my whole life has been bad decision followed by another bad decision. And i am left here facing the consequences. I left an amazing man in my first marriage to pursue my selfish happiness with another man. It turns out this man is an addict. He lies, he decieves, we never have money, he abuses me and when i get the strength to leave he pulls me back in with promises of change…its been 10 yrs of this. I just dont have the strength to keep doing this anymore. I have lost the fight in me, I feel beaten down and all alone, I just want this to end, no more suffering.

    1. Ali. Living with an abusive person would leave you feeling this way. I want you to get away from him. And I am so sorry that the pain has gotten so bad you are looking up ways to die. I hope you find a better optyand don’t give him the satisfaction of your death. He has taken enough from you. And we all have regrets. And we live with them. And then they become books and part of our story. Thank you for the detail. I hope you are with us today. Come back any time. We will reply.

  67. I have lost all hope and am planning on killing myself. I just can’t bear this pain. I am divorced, kids are grown and am completely alone. I fell in love with someone who treated me like a piece of trash and just got turned down for a job— the last thread holding me to living. This has been the story of my life. Now it’s time for me to write my own story.

    1. Oh Michele. That’s so painful and I know you hurt. You sound tired but I hope you will give life another chance. There is no rush to kill yourself now. Please do come back and tell me more. I’m listening.

  68. I just want to die right now. I’m thinking of hanging myself tonight.
    There’s no one who loves me enough. They’ll be so happy without me, they said so.

    1. Oh Singsor I hope no one said something so cruel to you. That’s awful. And I know during those intense periods of suicidal thought you have to be in so much pain. Making it through those episodes does take so much perseverance. I hope you are still with us. Come back at any time and comment. We will answer.

      1. Anne, Im not sure why I wven ask, but is it possible to contact you directly by phone? Im in the worse possible shape anybody could be in…there is no way I can make it…chemically and hormonally Ive been severely damaged from abusing anaboloc steroids….every single facet of my life has been destroyed….its like having the most violent illness nonstop, every single day with no ending. I have no choice but suicide and Im scared…my name is Tyler….Im 44 yrs old….Ive been in this for 3 and half yrs….havent been able to work in that time at all….Family and friends have left and Im a burden on my 71 yt old mother…story is very long….I am hopeless…dont believe in God anymore.

        1. Oh Tyler I am so sorry it’s bad both emotionally and physically. There has to be an answer other than suicide to improve the quality of your life. And just believing that will help. I can’t do phone. I just don’t have the hours in a day any more and I hate to say that. However you can use the contact form.

  69. Hi
    Iam really depressed right now and feel like I just want to end it all. My partner after 18 years wants to leave me I’m only 33 I lost my mum and dad when I was 15 and he took me in. I feel lonely I’m so emotionally attached it is ridiculous, I miss my mum and dad so much but he doesn’t understand me. I do drink a lot when I’m not working and make a fool of myself but Ive got so much anger and sadness in me. When I’m sober honestly everyone says I’m one of the nicest people they have ever met as I think too much. Thanks for listening x

    1. I am so sorry you feel such unbearable pain. Do know that is a feeling and not the truth you want to die. I know you want to end the pain. It really hurts when someone leaves and it does feel like a death. But you did survive your parent’s untimely death. You can survive this. You can come back here and talk about it any time. I will reply. You may talk about the hurt and the pain and that’s ok. Here is a letter Anna wrote to herself when she has thoughts of suicide.

  70. Out of work again. About to be homeless again. Not much family. I guess I’ve been suffering from depression my whole life. It really sucks. I was always a hard worker. And I always wanted a family of my own. Dont really know how to ask for help. Dont even know why I’m writing this lol. I hope I’m happier in my next life. Not much more I can do or take. Sorry. ❤🙁

    1. Help. Please ask for it. So how? You go to someone you trust and you tell them, “I have something very important to tell you and I need you to take me seriously. I am having thoughts of suicide and need your help.” That help might be an overnight stay in a hospital. But if you tell me your city, county and state, I can look up and see if there is a local hotline. You are suffering from an illness and you deserve compassionate treatment. But no matter what you are welcome to talk about your hurt and your pain here without shame. You can tell me more and I will read and respond. I am so sorry about your being out of work. That is devastating and I can understand how that would trigger these thoughts. I am here to listen if you reply.

    2. Hi Jordan,

      I just read your message. I came across this site by accident. I was trying to search how to hang plants to the ceiling and this site popped out and then your note.

      I’m so so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I’m not a professional and maybe I don’t know the right thing to say. But I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I have been in the darkest of places and even though it’s much rarer now that before but I still get there .. I am a single mum of 2 young kids (8 years and 5 years old). And the last 6 years have been the hardest. I have been almost made homeless once in winter 2013 and then somehow pulled through through blood, sweat and tears .. almost loosing my mind on the way with no financial support and no emotional support. I would cry myself to sleep every night and wake up in tears and so exhausted from feeding the baby throughout the night that I could barely get myself out of bed … btw, I don’t get any financial support from kids father I guess that’s my punishment for leaving an abusive relationship and I have been made feel ashamed and guilty of my choice .. anyway, I’m digressing here … I promise you it’s super hard to bring up 2 young kids, provide for them financially, emotionally and spiritually and even harder when you are pouring from an empty cup … but I promise you that there’s a light end of the tunnel .. I started listening to meditation online and doing affirmations – all for free on youtube, it became like a religion for me .. also resumed working out that probably has been the biggest anti-depressant for me … I’m not where I want to be but I’m handling everything and dealing with everything a lot better .. if you ever need to talk, I’m happy for them to give you my email address … start listening to meditation like “how to improve your mindset”, “how to think like successful people think” .. also “motivational speeches” etc … as I said I’m not a professional and I might not be saying the right thing but just sharing with you what helped me … once you feel better yourself maybe you could train to become a coach to help other people … im sending lots of love your way.

  71. First off it takes huge balls to kill self wish I had the curage. I’m not a kid I’m over fifty I have reached out to friends and family and hot lines but they really don’t care hospital baker acted me once one thing I have Hurd is that most people do it to get back at there family but one thing I realize is my family coudn’t care less so the get back for me is useless also phycotropic drugs are useless also unless your a pill head I’m not but I’m hoping to find my balls I hate life and people and pray for the end of time everyday

    1. There is considerable fear of killing oneself for good reason and I am glad so far that instinct of the fear has kept you alive. I am sorry you feel such pain and your family is not supportive. While the myth of suicide being a vindictive move is common, it’s not true. Thank you for taking the time to comment here.

  72. I’m a teen, like your child Charles. I too, also suffer from depression. Unlike him though, my parents doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. They have high expectations of me, and I am struggling to meet them. If I do not meet them, my mother gets angry at me. I don’t see a way out. I self harm. I write scuicide notes. I’ve already planned my scuicide, just in case. It’s like a backup plan to me. What should I do?

    1. I’d iy a cultural thing? This pushing you to succeed by their standards? I am so sorry. I do want you to know that their approach is outdated but they are still in the mindset that their kids are shining examples of how good they are. So I am thinking if you have the opportunity to share your feelings with another, more understanding adult that doesn’t have as much emotionally invested that might be the way to go. I hear this from teens all the time and it’s so disturbing. They have no idea how much is coming at you. They didn’t grow up in that kind of environment so they don’t understand the difference. Where are you located city, state. Maybe I can look up some resources for you to reach out to an organization who could help. Keep coming back. I will answer. Together we can figure out a plan that will work for your situation.

  73. I managed to keep my childbood trauma locked down for many years but it found it’s way out. I’m in therapy, I’m taking meds but I can’t do it anymore. I ended up here looking for my way out. I’m so sorry for your loss, you seem very caring and dedicated to helping others. I’ve tried but I’m a mistake I shouldn’t be here. I’m broken I just need it to end. I’m sorry.

    1. Kate your brain is lying to you. I am so sorry it is making you think that and feeling such pain. I hope you have not ended your life and you wake up today. The work you are doing for yourself is very hard. Come back here anytime to leave a comment. I am listening.

      1. You are very kind. I haven’t worked out my specifics all the way so I’m still here. I appreciate your reply. I dont see how anything will change and I simply can’t keep doing this. I’m beyond repair.

        1. I can tell you have reached a difficult place. The work you are doing is exceptionally painful and it sounds like it has triggered you. You sound overwhelmed and I’m so sorry you suffered such trauma. It’s inexcusable you were mistreated.

          But on the other hand I’m amazed you decided to tackle it and face it and I can’t help but be inspired by your courage not only to face the trauma but to come here and comment and have the thoughtfulness to come back and let me know you are still here. Have you called your therapist?

          Feel free to tell as much or as little of your story as you are comfortable. I’m listening.

          1. I don’t know about thoughtful but I wouldn’t want to add to anyone’s load. I have talked some with my therapist but I’m aware of her professional duty as well so I haven’t shared everything.

            I wake up and wish I hadn’t. I don’t want to breathe. It’s constant.
            I can’t think of a time I’ve ever felt this bad and I can’t remember who I was when I didn’t…doesn’t leave much.

            1. Wow Kate. Your endurance is remarkable to be able to withstand all that. I am going to be frank with you. If I were your therapist, I would want you to share all that with me. I can put our conversation on a page you can download and print and share with your therapist so you don’t have to say all of it. I can even email it to him/her. I have your email in the administration panel (no one else can see it). Can I send it to you to share? I think they can help you find relief from all this pain.

              You have shown amazing courage just by commenting here. It’s just one more step. I assure you they would be grateful to you if you did share this. You are welcome to keep coming here. I am listening

              1. Thank you for your willingness to listen and engage, it has meant something to me. I have no desire to be a burden, add to your hurt.

                I’ve been treading water for awhile, trying, doing the work. I live with someone, I have family etc. but I dont have anyone. I’ve always presented what people want to see/be around, I’m the responsible, helpful, funny one. I’m solid. No one will see it coming. I’m a fraud who’s not able to go along with the con anymore.

                No one knows it’s not that I don’t like myself, I despise myself. Blame, disgust, shame is my core and I can feel it every moment. It’s overwhelming.

                At worst I want to wipe my existence from this planet, every last bit of it. At best I want to die. I have nothing, I bring nothing, I offer nothing. Every breath tells me this.

                1. That’s what suicidal thinking does to you. It’s your brain lying to you and convincing you that you are worthless. And don’t worry about adding to my pain this is good for me too. I made a pledge to let others know they matter. That’s my son’s legacy and it feels good to carry it forward.

                  I think you have hit a spot in your recovery process from the trauma that is probably your worst. I think if you can persevere through this part, it will improve. At least that’s my take from reading your comments. I think you are a delightful person. And empathetic. We can’t afford our empathetic people to die. We need you. Think of how bad it would be with just those who care about themselves.

                  But I hope you work with your therapist on this suicidal piece and I think havjbgb someone to help you work through this part would give you tools for moving forward towards some light. Your thoughts are the result of trauma during key brain development years. But that does not mean you cannot thrive again. I am so sorry this is so painful and it’s so pervasive. You are so strong to be fighting it. But I think there are times we all need help. I had a hard time asking for it but I did do that. And it made a difference in my life and I got to make this site and meet the most magnificent people ever. If it won’t let you reply, start a new thread. I am still here for you.

                  1. I appreciate your support, especially considering we’ve never met and you only know me from some online posts. I wish I felt worthy of it. I told myself I would try, but I’m about empty. Continuing is stalling the inevitable,

                    Thanks for what you do, your willingness to share so much certainly honors your son’s life in an important way.

                    1. You told yourself you would try and that’s a start. It is. And as talented and funny as Charles was, his greatest gift was letting others know they matter which is the legacy I carry forward after his death. You just did that for me in your comment. It fills me with such hope. Thank you. And death happens to us all. Keep fighting. You have just shown how worthy you are. It would be an honor for your therapist to help you. I feel sure of that.

  74. I’m on my last leg. I’m 30/ single and just graduated from university with a 4yr graphic design degree last January. This degree hasn’t given me crap except for crappy $9 hr jobs as janitors, grocery clerk, etc. I can’t even afford 3meals a day. I live out of my car. My parents are divorced and involved with their lifestyles/ spouses. I’m disgusted with what money has done to my family (and the world). I’m HIV pos because I dated an asshole and ran with a bad crowd. My family treats me like I’m garbage. Maybe I am. They use Catholic religion to gain superiority and they are the biggest hypocrites. It’s so toxic to be around. Everything about my family is so phony. Anyway, I quit my janitor job because management started a “paper trail.” Now I’m being targeted at my other job. That or I’m just paranoid/ schizophrenic like my sister says behind my back then gaslights/ indenial when confronted. My family does this always playing victim and casting out a scapegoat. People at my work treat me like I’m incapable, like a joke, etc. The job(s) are degrading and I’m capable of so much, but managers choose to play favorites. That’s all life is…a big competition and favoritism. I’m over it and I’ve lost. I’m part the system ruled by corporation. They don’t care they eat their steaks for dinner in nice homes. I’m living in a car sleeping in parking lots. Can’t afford hiv meds. Why bother? Maybe aids is a hoax and government control. If it’s real why bother paying these greedy medical corporations while I get broke. I don’t even want to be alive. Can’t find a job anywhere in my situation makes it tough. Thought about transferring through current job to another state, but what good will that do? I’ll just be in the same shitty situation. Trying to save money for an apartment, but at $9 an hour / 22hrs a week…that will take a good while. I’ve thought about hanging myself. Isn’t the first I’ve had these thoughts. After my parents remarried to my stepparents I tried running away. Stole my dad’s car at 15 and got in a bad accident( no one else involved). The whole car flipped in a ditch on a construction road. Went to therapeutic facilities and strict therapeutic boarding schools (that burned to the ground due to corruption…yes literally burned) for several years. I was in therapy years prior due to learning disability, adhd, etc. These conditions effect my adult life and I’m treated as an infidel. I’m so far from it I feel like I have to dumb myself down otherwise my “intelligence” is just privilege or entitlement. This life is a shit show at least through my eyes. I laugh about it. Sometimes I’ll have outbursts of screams/ cries in my car at night when I’m alive. I just tell myself, “I’m soul needs to rest.” I had an out of body experience a while back so I believe in afterlife. Not in the heaven/ hell Catholic and Christian dogma. I’ve had an out of body experience before. Saw myself in bed. My room had this desaturated and greenish/ gray appearance. The walls sort of sparkled or twinkled. There was a huge orb of white light floating in the room that had a very powerful presence. I floated towards the door and woke up. That’s all I remember. I think I was on an astral plane …my surroundings felt so mystical and surreal. It was calming and a nice break from what I was going through in the physical world (dealing with meth use and abusive boyfriend.) I so want to go back to that place (the astral plane) I felt so calm not depressed there. I wonder what would of happened if I floated into the light. I could go on and on. I’ve made mistakes clearly, but I’ve accomplished some things too. However, I always end up in a shit situation…and alone. My abusive ex said I’ll always be alone. Family have warned me of a lonely life. Maybe I’ve done something wrong in this life. Also, why can’t death just be beautiful? Like what is so wrong in leaving the misery / superficiality of this physical realm? I drive around thinking what the point of all this is? Everything is so commercialized, about money, and consumerism. We are so enslaved. It’s soul less. People at my job hope others get fired..that means more hrs for someone else , most likely a more favored employee. What a cold world. I’ve been scapegoated my whole life. The 1800 lines don’t work. I just get told “you need professional help,” something I’ve heard my whole life by family. I’ve been seeking “professional help” since 5. The medical / health industry banks off of me, yet I’m still scarred (sometimes even more by the therapy.) If I killed myself, my family would immediately think it was drug related. Then once they learn that would not be the case, they’d say, “why did he do that to us! So selfish!” Everything is about them and their feelings. Sickens me to no end.

    1. Oh man JP, this is a lot and you are so young still. I’m really sorry about all this and it’s not small feat you are still with us. Interesting about the astral light. I think that sort of “meditation” (for lack of a more suitable phrase) is not unhealthy way to give your brain a break. You are onto something there that is unlikely to harm you. I’m also sorry about the 800 numbers. I also did seek professional help and what worked for me was a support group and change in attitude which took a while with lots of relapses.

      So are you using/addicted to meth? Or someone else is? Not that I am judging you at all. I’m just trying to get a picture of your situation. Graphic design is a tough industry. I was in advertising but on the writing side (a copywriter). It was a brutal business but I will say I developed a lot of resilience from being in agencies.

      What one thing would you want to do first to get yourself out of all this? Because I think you can. Damn, you are tough as nails if you have survived all this. Most would have thoughts of suicide in this situation. I do want you to rise out of all this so you can look back and tell that story. I am pulling for you. Thank you for taking the time to write all that detail to help me understand your situation. I’m honored you did.

      1. Thanks for replying. I’m no longer using drugs. I stopped in summer of 2013 after splitting with ex. I think I started in 2011. I can’t remember. I started using with my ex so I wouldn’t get cheated on, but that was really dumb mentality. I’ve grown a lot since then. Even went back to finish my degree. Had a blast at university. Didn’t party and was just a big nerd. Loved it. But now that I’m on my own it’s tough. I didn’t mean to ramble on like that its just I’ve got a lot on my chest, lots of family dysfunction, very divided much like the current world, I’m estranged from family. I’m a fuck up in the family. Didn’t get married and have kids, 30 yrs old and don’t own a home , my car is my home, don’t have a career in what I wanted, etc. My family are very conservative, christian based, very superficial and judgemental. I gave up trying to meet their standards. If my job fires me I think I will travel outside the USA with what little I have and enjoy my last days. This is seriously a plan B fantasy for me. I’m sick, but at least I’m aware.

        1. You have found recovery from meth addiction and graduated college. And you have survived the rigidity of the religious upbringing . I know the type by the way. They veil their prejudice in religion and somehow they think their faith allows them to pass judgment on others. Very stifling.

          So to me, you don’t sound like the fuck up, you sound like a courageous person with good personal values who is empathetic, intelligent and creative. I am glad you have told me all that you have because it gives me perspective. It may be earlier you were experiencing suicidal ideation and writing is a great way to bridge yourself to the other side of those episodes so please know you can always come back here and comment.

          But think about this if you would. You are looking at your life through their lens and not your own. Who says raising a family and owning a home is the only way to define success. It’s not really. So do give yourself credit accomplishing what many have never been able to do. I am amazed actually.

  75. Honestly this evening I truly felt ready to take my own life. I’ve been to psychologists and counseling, I’m medicated and my doctor is amazing. Sadly none of that makes this any easier. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was little I am now almost twenty and after ten years don’t feel I can go on. But I feel so guilty for this darkness inside me. I hate that this is who I am and that it costs money for me to get the help I need. After high school I took a gap year to get everything on track I got so bad I didn’t leave the house for six months. I feel like a disappointment to my family and myself I don’t know how to go on. I’m so sorry for your loss and I don’t want to hurt my family but I can’t live like this I don’t even feel like a person anymore.

    1. Porter. First let me say I appreciate your efforts to help yourself and for your condoabout the loss of my son. By any chance do you keep a journal? In other words do you write? I am wondering if you do write if you see any patterns in how and when these thoughts are prevalent. That helps me manage my grief and by writing about it, it somehow loses its power over me.

      And secondly are you part of a group? I found it helpful to be part of a support group.

      I am sorry these thoughts are so pervasive. What I have found is that people like you who suffer always seem to have a very special gift that goes with the awful. I am wondering what yours is and if you recognize it. Thank you for commenting and helping the rest of us understand thoughts of suicide. I can’t help but hope you will keep trying until you find something that works for you.

      1. I sing, paint and play guitar and ukulele. I do keep a journal and the thoughts are constant sadly the only pattern is they get worse in the evening. Thank you for your kind words and this place to be open with our thoughts.

        1. Wow. So you are musically gifted. I’m not surprised.

          Night time was when it was worse for Charles, too. And I hear that a lot. I do wonder if there are any good strategies for that. Do you think they are worse then because the rest of the day you are distracted? Or is it that depression makes it hard to fall asleep?

          And you are welcome. I am just sorry you are plagued with it. It’s not fair. Feel free to share a few sentences of your writing here, or even a song if you’ve written any.

    2. Porter, I’ve just read your dated post. I found myself trawling through sites looking for answers for myself but somehow your post out of all the ones I read stuck out in my mind. I can’t offer advise to you only that someone who could grab my attention with a post like yours is surely a life worth living. You clearly do a lot of thinking by yourself so think about what you would like to do and not what you feel is the only option. Your words have talked me out of something similar after reading btw

      1. Wiley, I am in tears. How thoughtful of you to reach out to Porter in your pain and say what you did. My best to you and come back and join us any time here. Your comment gives me hope.

        1. I never comment on anything I read but something about that post really moved me. Long story short. I tried to kill myself earlier this year and my brother stopped me so don’t think I’m a attention seeker or anything. I’m older than a lot of people on these pages so I should know better but there is no age limit for depression and anxiety. Sometimes you just need to talk and sometimes it needs to be someone you don’t know x

          1. Ironically my son walked in on someone trying to kill himself about two years before he completed his suicide. That young man wrote me after Charles died and told me how grateful he was to be alive. And thank God for your brother, Wily. I’m so glad he stopped you.

            Suicidal thoughts are not for “attention” in most cases but a change in brain chemistry and the result of a disease like depression. I consider it a brain attack.

            When I started this blog, I think it was because I needed to talk to strangers sometimes instead of family and friends, too.

  76. For the last 2 years I have had thoughts of ending my life when times have gotten tough in my life. Last year I was going to college from 9 till 5 every day doing a course that I hated and then working Friday evening and all day Saturday and Sunday while every evening having to revise for exams. This left me no spare time to hang out with friends and I came very anti social and didn’t speak to anyone in any of my classes and with my parents being strict I was not allowed my Xbox with was my only escape of from reality and ment I didn’t get to talk to my friends that’s often. I sit up all night nearly every night thinking about ending my life as I fell I have nothing to live for as I only seem to make things worse for the people around me and feel that if I was gone my family would have a much better life with out me as I my Mum is always shouting at me about college and getting a job and then my parents constantly arguing with each other about me and that resulting my sister also getting shouted at. I don’t want to die but it seems like the only way to get rid of this feeling I constantly have, faking how I really feel all the time. This is why I am worried about telling people close to me about how I fell as I think that they won’t really care.

    1. Kasey – I’m so sorry things are not going well for you right now and you are feeling such pain. If you are not feeling your family is in the right place to tell, I encourage you to tell someone else. A college counselor? A teacher? A minister?

      College is a tough transition. A lot of students tell me that and I had a very tough time adjusting. I want you to know things can get better and I don’t think you or your situation is permanent. You’ve told me here and that’s a first step. Thank you for posting because I took a lot of courage. You are welcome to come back and continue this conversation. Let me know where you are in college. I might be able to see if they have resources if they are in the U.S.

  77. I can’t even get the help I need. There is no place around here that will help me out right now. It sucks. I went to a crisis center and they didn’t even ask me to say what’s going on just a few formality questions and then home I go. I can’t help but shake these feelings. I can have moments of happiness and then it’s back to wanting to take a belt or take a few pills. It sucks. I don’t if O have the courage right now but I can’t keep but thinking of different methods and dying. I like coming here and commenting on here because I know I can get support almost immediately. It just sucks it has to be this way

    1. Oh my gosh you are kidding me. How can people in a crisis center treat you that way? It makes me hurt to think about how much courage it took to go there and then to get that kind of treatment. Unbelievable. I am so sorry. And we will always answer here unless I am in the hospital unconscious. I am sorry you struggle with these thoughts. Feel free to tell me more and share here.

      1. It was awful I had spent the last two days just contemplating suicide almost nonstop. I don’t know what I was supposed to do sit there and cry and mope. I don’t do that. It frustrated me. I’m actually doing a little better but still hurting. I have nowhere to turn to sometimes it feels like

        1. I have not stopped thinking about how you were treated. It is absolutely awful. We suicide prevention advocates are always asking people to reach out for help and you did and you were treated so terribly. But Eric, as awful as it has been, you are still here. Think about how much strength that took to endure those awful thoughts.

          Typically, most suicidal thoughts last around twenty to thirty minutes with one or two really intense peaks that are really hard to push through. If you know the pattern of yours it can help you work through them.

          There is a crisis text line 741-741 if the intense feelings come back before you are able to find resources. It should not be this hard but I admire that you are trying and you came back.

          Are you being treated for depression? That is often the cause of suicidal thoughts. Where are you located? Maybe I can see if there are any other resources where you are.

  78. Hi,

    I was browsing through how to hang yourself. I found this website. I’m unhappy and didn’t want to burden anyone by talking about my feelings. I am struggling with myself right now. I want to die because I feel hopeless because I never feel I fit in anywhere. I don’t have anyone to talk to except for one friend I trust 100% but don’t want to bother her. She’s the only one I feel comfortable to be with but I can’t rely on her as she have her own life. I don’t know where to go and I just want to end my life to end my pain. I don’t want to die but I can’t bear the pain I’m feeling. Im in wrong place, nothing goes right, dead end, etc… it’s just too much for me because I’ve been doing everything by myself all my life and I am craving for company and good times. I was happy with my friend during trips. It’s me who doesn’t make anything easy. I avoid people because I feel so uncomfortable around them. I wish I’m not like that. It’s too painful. I am very sensitive to people’s energies. It’s so frustrating. I’m a tormented soul! I don’t know how to ask for help because I don’t want to burden anyone.

    1. Please tell that friend of yours. Please. She would be crushed if you took your life and never told her how you felt. Like me, she would not “get over it.” You are such a deep feeler. I feel it. Things can improve. But you have to let that friend know. She can listen and help you get help. She cannot fix it. But there are people who can help. I am here to listen. Don’t hesitate to come back and let it all out here. Someone always answers here. I couldn’t save my own child but maybe I can help you.

  79. I’m at the end of my rope. Long story short I’m 50 and up until 6 months ago was a happy husband and father of 2 boys. We decided to have a house built and put ours up for sale. (Why I can’t explain) My wife went along with it knowing it wasn’t a good idea. Then she had a panic attack and cancelled the contract on our new house. Meanwhile our house had already sold. We stayed with my parents for a couple of months while we looked for a new house. Meanwhile, my wife and I slipped into deaper and deaper depression until she was no longer able to work and gave up her 75k job. We ended up buying a house we can’t afford. (I though she would return to work after her FMLA) My wife is in such a depression and so am
    I. I am working but have anxiety and depression making it difficult. I think about hanging myself 24-7 because of the guilt I feel for having the idea to sell our house. Who sells a paid off house at 50 with money in the bank and kids ready for college. We had a perfect
    Life and I ruined it and my family is suffering. I know killing myself would make their lives worse but I can’t take the lack of joy I have not felt in 6 months. My parents are helping us out but wife always handled the bills and school stuff. I am
    Overwhelmed and can’t take much more. Seeing people enjoying life is killing me. Please tell me life gets better.

    1. Marvin. First, thank you so much for commenting and at least getting your story written out. I think if you can get up in the morning and tell yourself it will get better it can. After Charles killed himself, I got up every morning and thought of ONE THING I was grateful for. I didn’t think I could survive. But I have and I have moments of intense joy. I have found you appreciate life more when you have to endure something tragic which you are experiencing now.

      I am so sorry you are going through all this. I have made decisions I realize are a huge mistake later on. I promise there is a way to find your way back to life again. You have actually take the first step even if you don’t know it and that’s writing this comment. Do come back and let’s continue the conversation.

      1. Thank you. I know it doesn’t compare to what you went through. It is just spinning out of control. I don’t know what to do.

        1. It does compare in an odd way in terms of it feeling like a monumental thing happened that has too many steps to get through. I have felt that but I don’t suffer from depression so in me, it does not trigger thoughts of suicide. So your chemical imbalance in your brain is making this harder for you. I think those who suffer from depression are the strongest people I know. It’s that much more of a challenge to get your head in a place that doesn’t trigger a spiral downward. You are already fighting for yourself which takes a lot of energy.

          I think you start with you and just getting yourself grounded. Some people use the “name what you’re grateful for”, others decide on a support group, my husband takes the dog in the woods by the river for long walks, I write like a madwoman, Michael who is a frequent commenter on this site relies on scripture and his faith, Still others here talk to a friend. But the thing is to get yourself out of the mindset it’s too much and can’t be fixed and that requires adopting some kind of coping skill like those above.

          Once you feel you have cleared some cobwebs out of your head, do you have anyone you can talk to a friend or colleague about your financial options? In other words, you may have to consider moving again as one option (we had to do this at one point.) In my case, I basically write out my options and then write pros and cons under each one and sleep on it.

          You can do this. Just know there will be difficulty and roadblocks along the way to finding the right solution. Set your expectation that you will work through them.

          Does that help? I know that feeling of despair is very difficult to work through. And I don’t minimize at all what you are going through. Due to our culture, men do not seek or get as much emotional support as they need which needs to change. Take just one step to get started.

          Thank you for coming back. Thank you for commenting, Marvin. Feel free to come back.

  80. I spent several years while at a high academic pressure university struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. In particular, there was one stretch of my walk between my dorm and class that was particularly hazardous to my frame of mind. I can still feel the pull of just ending it all, no more responsibility, no more blame, no more shame.
    I made it through by finding the tiny victories, making it back to the dorm one more time, walking down the “other” side of the sidewalk, basically managing to say “not today” or even sometimes “not right now”.
    I kept crawling, failing, crawling some more, failing some more. Over and over. Looking for something, anything that helped, even a little. Writing out the feelings (even if nobody saw them), talking to someone (professional or amateur), drugs (prescription and self-medicating), trying meditation, looking for poetry/music/art/literature that helped express my feelings, finding ways of meeting and being with people. Sometimes the attempts helped, sometimes they hurt (make sure you have “adult” company for the self-medication), most were a mixture. Some of what helped the most – hurt most to start.
    Slowly, oh so very f*ing slowly, the venting helped, the pressure eased and the context, understanding and yes, even control started to seep in.
    This was over forty years ago. I have had an “interesting” life. I would not like to repeat some sections of it, but I am who and what I am because of what I have gone through. It is possible to get through.

    1. Tears rolling down my face as I read this Mike. It’s so beautiful. May I use this as a blog post?

      What perseverance and creativity you had to save yourself, to save us from losing you and what you could bring to the world to make it a better place. This is truly inspiring. Thank you for commenting.

  81. Anne I’m scared of myself. I keep having thoughts of suicide. I have already attempted multiple times in the last few years. I always have for weeks where I always find a way out but eventually I just can’t fight anymore. I don’t want to get to this point. I talk to the hotlines but they don’t help and I’m afraid to talk to people close to me.

    1. I understand how tough it is to open up to someone and tell them the deepest darkest thing in your soul. I know that’s not easy. It has to feel so scary.

      And thoughts of suicide would have to be very frightening. It is like your brain is turning against you. Charles expressed in his music how terrifying those thoughts were even afterwards.

      A friend of mine with bipolar runs a support group. Her name is Tammy and she has posts on this site. She has felt suicidal but that support group has helped her. She is always telling me about the coping strategies she has invented for herself. Think of it this way, if you were having a heart attack, would you not or would someone else call for help? Sure they would. Suicidal thinking is a brain attack and the brain is a major organ. So why is that different? I think you can get to a place where you manage it but need help getting to that point.

      You could tell a therapist. You could write a note to someone you trust instead of telling someone face to face. I wrote this guide and it says teens but it could work for anyone.

      You’ve called the hotline. And that’s a great first step. You told someone. I hope you take that next step Eric. You are welcome to keep posting here and commenting. I read all of them

      1. It’s getting harder and harder to keep going. I spent most of last night just talking myself out of another attempt. Dying seems like the only escape.

        1. I am honored you trust us enough and have the courage to come back and talk to us. I know it feels crushing. I want you to also know that feeling has a time limit. The intensity that is. So if you can withstand that really intense part and know the pain is will end without you ending your life then that is progress. What I am saying is that intense part is temporary and the trick is to realize that so you can stay with us. You have guts and a will to live if you are telling us how you feel and posting here. I so admire your courage.

          1. I guess what’s bothering me is I don’t have anything specific that I can think makes me want to kill myself yet my brain says die

            1. That’s why I call it a brain attack. Most of the time when people experience these “brain attacks” they are very intense and make you think that there is only one way to end the pain. Scientists have not discovered why that is but those who suffer from them typically suffer from depression, bipolar or some other mental illness. So most the time it’s important to find a medication that works and also work with a therapist or support group to develop coping strategies that you can use during those times when those thoughts hit. And sometimes medication and therapy can minimize them or make them go away. That’s is not something most of us can do on our own any more that we could fix our heart during a heart attack all by ourselves.

              I have learned more about suicidal thinking from people like you who have been thoughtful enough to post here. And from my son’s music lyrics. And then from talking to hundreds who feel as you do. The good news is it can be managed. And if you want help figuring out your next step I am glad to help you figure that out. Thank you again for coming back and leaving your comments.

    2. I’m scared of myself too. In my darkest moments, I feel like my greatest enemy, and my only friend. Talking to hotlines hasn’t helped me either, but talking to Anne, and other people I know has helped, even if it is absolutely terrifying. I hope you will talk to someone if you haven’t already. Even writing this I’m petrified, but I want you to get better Eric.

  82. Powerful, powerful posts here… I found this page by a search as well. I am not near as eloquent or poetic or as expressive as what I have seen posted here… my heart goes out

    Tired of struggling. Fifty years old, think I put in my time. Made more than my fair share of mistakes. Lost more than my fair share of everything that’s good in life.

    I am not a victim. Where I am is, ultimately, where I chose to be. Just wish I had chosen better.

      1. How long am I supposed to hang on? How many more times do I have to hear “we just got to find the right medication for you”? Why is abortion legal but suicide isn’t, unless your sick and dead anyway? Why would I open up to anyone ever again when I know it only makes people like you feel better?

        1. I understand your frustration Chase. I wish I could make your suffering vanish for you. I wish I could have done that for my son. But I can listen. And I am listening to you. And I am sorry you deal with these thoughts and wonder why someone’s brain is wired to turn against the person it is supposed to protect. What I have found is that it seems to come with talent and gifts that the rest of us don’t have. And if you leave you Yale all that with you. There is only one you and I do hope you find relief so you can live with us on this earth.

  83. I’m going to kill myself tonight. Let this be my final scream for someone to hear.

    Nothing works. I’ve been hospitalized, I’m on medication, and therapy. Not a single thing has made me feel better, and if it has it’s only for moment, and it quickly fades.

    I’m a failure in every aspect. I failed at school. I fail in social situations. I’m just such a stupid person. I barely have common sense.

    It’s such a cruel fate. The entire deck is stacked against me, yet everyone still expects me to win. It’s so frustrating. Why would I want to play a game that I’ve already lost? Why would I fight a battle that I’ve already lost?

    I don’t have to be a failure anymore.
    People can just pretend that I was never born, and live better lives without the terrible souvenir that I bring in my presence.

    Sometimes when I just look at myself, and feel myself moving I just want to die. Being in my own body just feels like a curse.

    You probably don’t remember me Anne, but I was at your YMCA presentation in may this year. I was wearing a black and grey striped hoody, and I was with my mom. Your presentation was tearful, and made me really care about Charles. I don’t want you, nor anyone else to feel guilty about my death. No one should care about me.

    Honestly if I was just more willing to do things I wouldn’t be in this situation, but I was too stubborn, and now I’m left with no other option.

    It doesn’t matter anymore.
    It never mattered to anyone.
    It doesn’t have to hurt.
    Even if it won’t feel good at least it doesn’t have to hurt.

    To the gods, it’s amusing to see someone try so hard, and fail.

    P.S. After writing this I feel a little better. Good enough where I don’t think I’ll carry out my plan, but this feeling will surely return. They have a way of taunting me like that. As soon as I think I’m better they come back stronger.

    1. Ben – Will you reach out to me? Just to talk. I will listen. I remember you. Thank you so so so much for writing this. And letting me know which one you are. If you use the contact form, I can give you my phone number. I want to listen to you. I want to hear you. I can meet you today if you want. While this is sad, it’s also beautiful. And so emotionally naked. Thank you for your vulnerability and for posting.

      By the way, you hit on something here. A coping strategy of writing your feelings seemed to help. It’s not THE solution but writing helps me. It helped Charles. And I think it helps you, too.

    2. Ben, remember this… I wish I could’ve told my son this. … no feeling is ever final.
      I guarantee no one would just forget you, and many lives would be damaged greatly. It might be a slow process but you can get better! Please take Anne Moss up on her offer to listen. And keep writing. It makes you feel better. Write every day.

    1. I don’t know what to do. Reaching out to strangers makes me feel even worse, but I have no one else, how pathetic is that? I am scared of how incredibly calm I feel. Friday is the day I have set aside & I feel…peaceful. I do not want to die, I just want the pain & noise to stop. i have battled this so long. I’m tired in my bones. Hospitalization is not an option, it will only make things worse. I just need someone to hold me & let me cry, but no matter how many times I reach out, no one is there to grab my hand. I am just so tired.

      1. I am sure Shannon will also answer you. I absolutely ache that I cannot offer you that human touch and a hug right now. So many times I needed that too. Please do call a stranger. Please dig deep. Please at least find a support group. And if you tell me your area, we can help you find one. Sending you a virtual hug although I know it’s not the same. Keep talking to us! I know you don’t want to die. Let’s work on this together.

      2. Same here. I have no further interest in hearing “hang in there” or “it gets better”.

        It doesn’t. This world is utterly disgusting and I am totally over it.


        I can’t fix this and I can’t take the false hope rollercoaster anymore.

        I literally can’t wait to die.

        It’s so true eh? How far must we be expected to reach before we finally run out of arm length to do so? Nobody cares. Nobody helps.

        Depression is a for-profit business. I am tired of making people wealthy while my poverty never ends. I am tired of not fitting in. I am extremely tired of being intelligent and my god I am exhausted from having compassion. Caring about anything in an uncaring world is so incredibly redundant. Truly it is. What an absolute waste that all turned out to be.

        I… a complete failure. Yes, I am. It is important that this is not downplayed either. For the amount of lies that I have been told, my own honesty is refreshing. There is no area of my life that isn’t horrible. Not a single one.

        I am sorry for your experience. So sorry. I am sorry that this is a reality for so many people, myself included.

        I am especially sorry that the truth is, “hope” is only realistic for those of privilege. It is not on the docket for anyone else.

        I have to go now. As useless as this is, I care about you. Unfortunately, I am in no position at all to offer tangible assistance as I am a complete train wreck myself.

        I am just sorry for everything that you are feeling. This world is a joke.

        1. You are clearly intelligent and eloquent. I can see that in your writing. Yet you are going to take all that bold honesty with you? I honestly think you could write your way out of this like I’ve written my way through grief. I’m not saying it ever will go away. But I’ve learned to live with it.

          I do care. I can’t help it. I just do. What I hate most is people with talent and gifts and feeling such pain and taking their gifts to an early grave. I’m truly sorry for your pain. But honestly, what I really want is for you to write. And keep writing. Life sucks sometimes. And if you get stuck on the “life is so awful” track, it will drag you down. Please take that first step and help us help you which is helping yourself first but allowing us to do so. I’m powerless on what your next move is. But I think there is a reason you left this comment. That gives me hope.

    1. Oh my God Dylan what happened to your family. You must be devastated. Obviously you are. Please tell me what happened and how you feel. I remember those first days after Charles’ suicide. I felt like I was living someone else’s nightmare and I was walking through quicksand. It was so emotionally devastating. Please tell me what happened.