How to hang yourself

Give this video just 51 seconds of your time.

I am so sorry you feel so badly you are looking up how to hang yourself. My son,  Charles, looked up this phrase, too.

He suffered from depression and an addiction to heroin and died by suicide. People who were hurting as much as you are have told me the videos below helped them. They are from my son’s hurting soul.

I miss him every single day.

Please tell someone. Please talk to someone.  Because suicidal thoughts are treatable.

If you are a teen or young adult, several have used this guide to figure out how to tell a parent or loved one you want to die.  For the Teen Contemplating Suicide and Looking for the Strength to Reach Out. I hope you will use it. It takes courage to reach out for help.

For youth and adults How to tell someone I want to kill myself

U.S. Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. U.S. Crisis text line text 741741

Canada 1-833-456-4566

United Kingdom 116 123

Australia 13 11 14

Suicide hotlines for other countries

Suicide Hotlines England

Suicide & Crisis Hotline Australia

Crisis Text Lines

US and Canada: text 741741

UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808

This comment is from Graham in the UK who is a Dad and has children. He visited this page one day because he felt as you do now. He survived and this is how he survived. Maybe it will help you.

I miss my little bugger

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

490 thoughts on “How to hang yourself”

  1. i don’t know if this article is still alive, and I’m sorry for your son. I don’t want to put my own mother through it but sometimes i can’t stand to live. I’m always unhappy and try my hardest to be my silly productive happy self, it’s just hard. I’ve had chronic depression since i was 11, I’m 19 now. I always told my mom i want to die, which i understand that its confusing to have your own child say that when you have given them life. For years i always researched ways, i made plans but never did them. I tried hanging myself with string lights on my fan, my mom seen and acted like it was nothing. Sometimes i feel unloved and worthless because i can’t get anything together for my life. I’ve tried many therapists and medications, I’ve spoke to the crisis hotline.. nothing gives me hope. I’ve lost so much feeling for love that i feel too numb to care. I am sick of feeling this way and i don’t know what else to do about it. I dropped out of high school, i still have no diploma, no drivers license and haven’t even gotten my first job yet. I do want to try but at the end of the day, what is the point? I’m living like everyone else and everything that i do wouldn’t matter in time. I feel so used all of the time, and i always and much rather focus on things that make me feel joy than concentrate on how I feel. That may sound like it works but in reality, it’s just a way to cope with every problem that my mind tries to think about. I’ve stressed myself way too much and made such awful memories that i regret every single day. I got raped and molested and i made myself think it was okay. I spoke to older men at 14 to 16 hoping I’d get kidnapped and killed, i didn’t care about the consequences.. i thought my mom would understand since she went through a lot but she ends up comparing everything. I try to help her find hobbies, i try my best as a daughter. Everything is so confusing. I wish i could start over and do better, or not exist at all.

    1. I am so honored you shared your soul with me. It sound like you have been through it. But I can feel that little piece of you that is trying to live. And I alsI do hear the part that wants to die. Since you are not sure I would just say pick one thing, one place to start. So for example, the rape. What a devastating thing to go through. I think so much of this stems from that. Maybe a group if others who have suffered sexual assault. Anyway peer support has helped me get through dark times. Thank you again for your thoughtful and thought-provoking post. You are welcome to reply. And I am sorry your struggle with such pain.

    2. Hi ella, reading your words was like an inside to my brain. I too have no license, job, and dropped out of school and have made two attempts at getting it, but my brain just goes blank and every part of me just wants to give up as well. I have no family support or friends as that has been just a series of being used and tossed, so I gave up. God I just always pray for a miracle that never seems to come because I know in my soul that it’s not that I want to die as I have 4 children I love more than anything and the pain it causes me to think of what I would cause them trauma wise, makes it harder. I just want life to go good just a little and feel happy. So I want to let you know, I at least care and relate.

    1. Sss- I’m so sorry the feelings are that intense. Is there anything in your life that has brought you joy? A friend, animal? Have you ever told anyone how you feel? Thank you for telling us. That took courage. Feel free to reply back. I would love to hear from you.

          1. You are so right about suicide being the cause of not just one problem but several. That’s how I feel at the moment, that there are just too many things going wrong with my life. I don’t want to suffer anymore. That’s why I looked at hanging. I’m not quite there yet but my life shows no signs of improving.

            1. i feel the same exact way i just feel theres really no need for me to even be alive i just think life would be so much easier without the pain and hurt

              1. The brain is so convincing in these episodes. Why a person’s own brain would turn against them like that is still unknown. Is it less intense now? I hope so. Few understand how strong a person has to be to have endured these episodes of suicidal thinking.

  2. I was searching for some tips to help me die quickly and less painful, then I arrived here.
    I’m sorry about your son and you are actually doing right thing to save lives, please keep up. Yet, I have to say that some of us are facing not just mentally depression, but more realistic, solid and barely solvable problems, like physical illness or living in poverty.
    Since I have no way to solve or escape from it, I want to end the pain at least. Sure I know that my family will feel sad, but hey, I have tolerated it over decades. I think we have the right to seek for a real salvation and hope that you are able to feel happy for us someday that we don’t suffer anymore.

    1. Peter. Suicide is never the result of one thing but usually of several. Poverty certainly plays into that. My son had physical pain as well. I can listen. I can care. But I can’t fix it all. And I will never berate or shame you for feeling as you do. The video is merely an open expression of how I feel so I should be willing to listen to you. Here on this page people can be angry, sad, happy or whatever. All I ask is for honesty and that’s what I see. I thank you for having the courage to post here and share your pain and your thoughts. And let me know how you are today.

  3. I’m a lost cause. No matter what happens, no matter how many second chances I get, I always wind up making the same mistakes. My anger issues have resulted in lost friendships, broken trust, and harsh consequences. And in the aftermath, I’m always left feeling awful about myself. My grades are slipping due to me not focusing or applying myself in school, and my graduation date was delayed. My anxiety disorder has only worsened over time, to the point where I’ve started getting panic attacks when under enough stress. Everything is just getting harder and harder and I don’t see myself living past 30. I’ve become fascinated by the concept of hanging, and how a simple rope and the force of gravity has the ability to suffocate you, snap your neck, or even decapitate you if the drop is too long. I often wonder what it would feel like, and whenever my mind goes to a dark place fantasies of hanging myself start playing out in my head. Though while typing this, I realized a much more convenient and available option I have at my disposal: drowning. There’s a pool here, and I’m sure I can find a large enough rock in the yard to weigh me down.
    What brought this about? A number of things. Aside from what I mentioned already, there’s the constant fear that once I’m forced to get a job, everything will become monotonous and I won’t be able to do the things that make me happy. I recently lashed out at my friends, which led to one person cutting ties with our friend group. No matter what I do to try and rebuild peoples’ trust in me, I always wind up doing something stupid that breaks it again, without fail. And now it feels like I’m in a situation that’s beyond fixable.
    If I wind up going through with it, I probably won’t tell any of my friends. There’s a few of them who are actively suicidal themselves, and it wouldn’t surprise me if one of them killed themselves if they ever knew that I did it. Thankfully, they’re online friends, so it’s not like they’ll ever know for sure what happened to me. The last thing I want is to take people down with me.
    I honestly don’t know what I’m gonna gain by typing this out. Part of me feels like this is really manipulative of me to type this all out to a bunch of strangers when I may not even have the guts to end my life. Maybe I want comfort? A list of reasons why I shouldn’t do it? Sympathy? Recommendations to see a therapist or talk to someone? I’ve heard, read, and given nearly every type of response in the book, so I doubt this will change anything significantly. So, why am I doing this? Well… if I told my therapist, family, or friends, it’d just cause unnecessary fear and stress that they don’t need right now, or result in me getting shipped off to a mental hospital. Plus, if I was putting a plan into place to end it, there’s no way I’d actually tell anyone since I wouldn’t want anyone to stop me. And if this winds up blowing over… well, no point in causing them worry.
    I lack the motivation to do a lot of things. Including acting on the many suicide plans I have floating around in my head. Sometimes I’ve gone for days at a time where I haven’t left my room due to me lacking the motivation to get up, even if my stomach is screaming at me for food. And due to the nature of working from home, this quarantine has helped enable that mindset.
    At this point I’m just rambling so I’ll wrap this up. Either I lack the motivation to off myself and I wind up seeing the responses this gets, or I finally get to see what dying from oxygen deprivation feels like, either by hanging or drowning.

    1. This pandemic is negatively affecting so many. Do you know how I can tell? There is four to five more time the traffic to this page this year than last year at the same time. I am only going to make one suggestion to start with. And I don’t claim to be able to fix this. But you are clearly in a depressive episode. Here is my thought. Please stay in the present whenever you can. Projecting scenarios or hovering over the past simply brings us down. I don’t suffer mental illness but I have been more teary. The lack of connection is literally killing us. I hope it doesn’t kill you. I hope you live. I hope you get help, join a support group or do any of those things you don’t have motivation for but could help you. I do understand your pain. And I feel it too. To live or move forward you gotta get out of that room. How you do it is up to you but I am hoping it is not in a body bag. You are welcome to reply.

  4. Not everything is about you, Anne. Can’t you understand that your son is no longer forced to suffer? Some of us are looking for actual help, not a self-important guilt trip.

    1. I am so sorry this didn’t connect with you. It wasn’t my intention to submit you to a guilt trip. I am here to listen and strategies for individuals differ. But I am happy to help you with that. I do care what happens to you. And it was my intention to show that your life does have value. Thank you for commenting. Your opinion is important to me. And I am sorry you are hurting so much.

      1. Your post gave me shivers, I lost a brother, I don’t wanna do it but I gave myself so many chances to be better but I can’t l, as I speak I sit here looking at the knot I’ve made, proud of it ha, if I do it do it please keeps sharing your experiences, jus cause didn help me will help others

      2. Don’t listen to them.

        I’m sure you know this, but I don’t think they’re mad at you. I think they’re just hurting and are lashing out

        I’m hurting too, but this article feels genuinely caring. I can’t say it’ll stop me or put me at ease, and I’m sure to come back to it. I have BPD, so if I’m not meticulously planning world domination, I’m figuring out what drugs I can take that’ll put me under.

        Either way tho, I do like this article, and this is coming from the most bitter cynic you can imagine.

        Thanks, Anne. It might not solve my problems, but it does remind me of the people I don’t want to hurt.

        1. Here you are in a page about ending your life and you managed to make me laugh. That world domination line is what got me. You have a knack of self awareness like my son did. He made me laugh like that.

          I do understand that people who are hurting sometimes lash out in anger and I am ok with that. I honestly do t take it personally. When I feel like crap I am no sweet Betsy sunshine either. Thanks for commenting. I am sorry you hurt this much. BPD is difficult to manage. You are a warrior to have endured these thoughts. I may not be able to fix but I can read and sit with you in your pain (virtually). Just appreciating your struggle. Thank you.

      3. Some people don’t want help, as someone who is considering ending this whimsical nightmare. I do share the same thoughts as human does. Some lifes are best muted from others, including mine. Very hypocritical myself, relentlessly denying my self importance. As one would say. Curb your importance.

          1. Hello Anne

            I am very sorry for your loss and for the losses others here have suffered.

            I want to thank you for this site.

            To all those who have shared their pain or expressed themselves also a big thank you. I feel in someway you have tried to help yourself and maybe showed others they are not alone

            I do not know what I will do

            I just want to say thank you.

            I hope everyone can find some peace and joy however long or short it may be and no matter how deep the pain or suffering

            1. Hey River thanks for commenting. And you got it right. All that is true about me. But here’s what I know. That people who want to die now often want to live later. That would be people who have survived a suicide attempt or not followed through. They tell me about the low point in their lives, where you are now, and tell me they are so grateful have survived. So I thought it was worth a try. No guarantees. This effort doesn’t work for everyone but I do know it has worked for some. And I still get the messages years later. I don’t know you. But I hope you will live. I hope you will come back.

              1. For me, the low points keep coming. I didn’t kill myself when I first wanted to, at 15. We’re now over 40 years on, and I still regularly get into these very dark places. Yes, for my family it’s been better that I never killed myself.

                But for me? I’ve done what so many advise young people to do – hang in, there. And sure, I’ve lived relatively good times, too. But was it worth it? No, not for me.

                I feel as desperate as I did 40 years ago.

                That said, yes, for most people it does get better.

                1. So you have survived 40 years. That is impressive that you have fought for so long. While I wrote the post here I am not about to pass judgment. I do hope you find a reason to live for you and not just everyone else. Thank you for posting.

  5. Hi Anne

    You seem like a kind and caring person, and I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. I am blessed with two beautiful children, age 7 and 10, and I can’t imagine how it would feel to lose one of them.

    Indeed I am blessed with many things. I have a good job, no money worries, a nice home and family. And yet, I cannot enjoy any of it. I slid into depression over the last 18 months, and it is now so intense and painful that I just don’t want one more day like this. I’ve tried following your advice, and reached out to people and talked. My friends and family were sympathetic at first, but not they are sick and tired of hearing about it, so I don’t talk to them any more. They don’t understand why I feel this way, when I have so much to live for, and generally tell me to snap out of it. Only my elderly mother can just about put up with hearing from me, and I know my daily phone calls have become a burden. I’ve tried seeking counselling too, but if anything, it seems to have made things worse.

    I haven’t killed myself up to now, because I don’t want my children to grow up fatherless, and I don’t want my Mum to suffer the same loss you did. In fact, I don’t anyone who cares to suffer my loss. And I keep hoping I will feel better again, but it seems I never will.

    So now, I am largely dealing with this horrible depression alone, and I can’t keep it up much longer. It is such torment. I don’t want to die, but I need peace from this pain, and can’t just keep living for others.

    1. Graham- I’m so sorry your family has not responded in a helpful way, that you are dealing with this alone and that it’s so intense you don’t know that you can bear the weight of all that pain for much longer. Your courage in surviving with so little support is more than admirable. And you are right, you can’t live for others so I’m going to list some thoughts since, in this case, you might need some ideas of what to do next. They are intended to help you save your own life and quality of life.

      I hope you’ll consider getting some help with the depression which could be the underlying cause. That’s where they should be helping you. Helping you find a doctor with whom you can have a conversation about when and how the depression started and consider medication if at least temporarily. There are also things like ketamine nose spray that can yank your brain out of a downward spiral.

      Many times a local crisis line will have the phone numbers of the local resources you will need. I know all of this is so hard when you have zero energy. But you have a history of reaching out and maybe it’s time to reach out to a trained stranger since your family is not responding. They should be helping you with this step and perhaps if you are more specific with them, they’ll engage. So for example, asking them to help you find a psychiatrist to do a psych evaluation and determine if you might need medication at least temporarily.

      I’m also going to post a book that you may find helpful. I am not sure where you live and if it’s available where you are but I know the authors.

      I am here. You can come back here and comment and I will answer. Or you can contact me and email.

      1. I to have been depressed with severe insomnia for four years. Went to a private psychiatrist. Gave me twenty different antidepressants, two antipsychotics, 3 Benzos sleep tablets. Ect. Ketamine infusions all over two years. Now have akathisia a severe neurological movement disorder that tortures u all day, tortured your brain n thoughts all day. Suicide attempts. Think of suicide all day. Sleep zero hrs 6 nights in a row. Then get an hr fir one night to go back to zero for nights again. Can’t stop the Benzos as the akathisia goes more mental but their not working really anymore. I roll around in agony screaming everyday. Cold turkey olanzapine n zoplicone five months ago n now bedridden in agony. Want to die more than anything else. Take a look at living with akathisia on Facebook. So many suffering because of psychiatrists drugs. So many taking their lives due to akathisia. Make people aware

        1. You are right, Sam. I should write an article on this. When my son was alive, it was crazy what they prescribed all together and it was totally irresponsible. It took two years to find a good psychiatrist who knew what to prescribe. And my son also struggled with insomnia and sleep problems started at age two. He had delayed sleep phase syndrome. At times he struggled with RLS, restless leg syndrome. I am so sorry you were mistreated and my hope for you is that you can find someone who can help you straighten all of it out. You deserved and still deserve better. Would these psychs prescribe all this crap for themselves or a family member? Probably not. My heart goes out to you and I so appreciate your comment as it’s an important reminder that mental health should have a team approach like physical health to restore a person to wellness.

    2. I am sorry you feel this way. My daughter just commited suicide and I cannot tell you how sad I am. I now don’t know why I should go on. I will try to look for it. Sometimes something unexpected happens. Maybe something good. Love you.

      1. Something good will happen if you believe it will. As a mother who lost a son to suicide, I know how you feel. At first you just have to be obligated to live before you feel like you want to live again. And you will. Please get grief support for yourself. It made all the difference for me. It’s didn’t fix anything but it allowed me to share my raw feelings and find a path to healing. I have a lot of resources on my “grief” page.

        And finally thank you for commenting. I read and reply to all of these.

  6. Hi Anne,
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I could never imagine how much it would hurt to lose a child. I hope, while you are helping others to spread awareness that you are also taking care of yourself.

    I came across your site when I was searching how to hang myself. I don’t want to die by any means, but I am losing the ability to cope with the intense sadness, hopelessness and lonliness I’ve been feeling for most of my life. I know my death will hurt others. But if I live nobody will ever care about how terrible I feel. It’s unfortunate that it will hurt people if I die, but when I’m alive nobody could care less. Messed up and selfish logic, but it’s truthfully how I feel. My note will read “blame no one but me”. I (like everyone else) had no choice in my existence and no choice but to suffer through the cruel things life can bring, but I’m finally making a choice for myself. I’m not a hero or martyr, I don’t feel the need to suffer until I’m 90 and end up dying anyway. the effort you are taking to advocate for suicidal people hurts to see because I know it must stem from the pain of losing your son. I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t want my mom to feel this same pain, but I don’t think she’d want me to be this sad either if she knew how I feel.

    1. Such a heartfelt letter you have written. I feel how much you hurt and as a mom I wish I could hug you and make it go away. I ask just one thing. If you have not already, ask for help to see a doctor about your feelings. Because in most cases those feelings are treatable. It’s not perfect and doesn’t fix everything but for many it has been a life saver. And it sounds like you have a good mom. Thanks again for your words about my boy, and your comment from the heart. I am honored you trusted me to leave it.

  7. Every minute of every day I think of death. I looked up how to hang yourself properly because I know of no other way. I wanted to use a gun
    I got told to go kill myself and no one would care. My one best friend wont believe me. He thinks I’m a fuck up n wont own up to whatever lies he thinks I’m telling. My dad says he dont want me in his house. I lost my son at 7 months. Seeing him leave broke me. I have not been the same since. I have a daughter now who is 1. She is my only light in this darkness but even now I dont want too stay alive. I constantly tell her I’m sorry and to never forget that I love her. I’m in so much pain but when I talk about it n cry everyone thinks I’m just high. I did meth for 2 weeks straight til it made me horrible. I stopped n stayed clean but even then I got no support they just thought I was lying. I’m too far gone and alone. No support system, no love what’s the point of living when everyone thinks your nothing but a failure a bad human being who deserves nothing but death.

    1. Sam. I am so sorry that everything feels like it’s coming unhinged. My son suffered from addiction to heroin. The drug added to his feelings of worthlessness and he felt that we had abandoned him but we had not. I remember feeling frustrated and not knowing what to do. Most states in the US have warm lines. Those are manned by people who have been where you are now.

      Some part of you wants to live. I can’t fix everything but I Am here and can listen.

    2. Sam, you mean more then you even think you do.. from a mother that just lost her son to drugs and emotional please you are wroth so much more that baby you have needs you more then you will ever know. I cry everyday for my son that could not get passed his addiction and he was so loved and needed not only by me but all his sisters and his one brother and all his family I love you and even though I don’t know you l love you and my heart is with you

  8. Hey, it’s the bratty guy who was annoyed by his mother’s actions
    I just want to say thanks and I am sorry
    first, thank you for your help and your advice, I was able to talk to a friend about this and they tried helping me every once in a while. of course I wasn’t so cooperative and just throwing negative thoughts at everything they say until they give up for today and then I apologize.
    one day that friend left me for a personal reason, at first I kept blaming them and saying that I didn’t do anything wrong (all said to myself not to someone) but as time passed I realized that I was one hell of a horrible person back then and they tried their best to help me with my problems and I would just block them off
    after that I told myself that I will become a better person and I will live on and stop thinking such negative thoughts and would you look at that, almost 2 months now and I am living a decently happy life, I started drawing more and making amazing things and started making plans to what I will do when I am done with high school and hopefully I will reach that goal.
    so again I want to thank you very much and that friend who I will probably never see again but I am very grateful to how they changed my life.

    and of course, I am sorry
    I am sorry for being such a brat with you and doing the same thing I did with my friend
    I know that you spend a lot of your time trying to help a lot of people and I am very grateful you spent some of that time to save me, to save everyone
    you and my friend will forever be my heroes ^^

    1. I remember you Omar. And when I saw your name I didn’t remember you as annoying. I figure that anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide might feel annoyed or angry in addition to sad and even frustrated. Thank you so so much for coming back here and updating me on how you are now. What a ray of hope you’ve offered to so many. Including me. Thank you.

      This is a “hall of fame” comment. One of the best comments ever. Come back any time. You are welcome here with any emotion. No judgment.

  9. Hi Anne,

    I’m really glad I found this. Thank you ❤️. I lost my beautiful mother suddenly at the end of last year. She was my soulmate. Just weeks before that, my marriage came to an end (not my choice). I am now grieving in lockdown, in my mother’s home and all I can say is that Anne, living is just so hard. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m surviving only for my family – I can’t put them through any more. But on some days it is a very real, painful battle not to go under. I’m never sure which side is going to win. I just want a break from the pain. I’m so tired.

    1. TP- All of that in such a short time frame is crazy hard. It sounds like you one to die one minute and then live the next and you wonder which one will win. And some days you fight it. That constant tug-of-war in your head would wear anyone down and your courage and strength to endure it so far is impressive. My friend Gray told me she felt “obligated to live” after her son’s death and it took some time before she wanted to live. It’s not an easy place to be. I am here to listen. Without judgment.

    2. I’m really sorry to hear of your pain .Im in exactly the same situation as you and know how you are feeling .It is really hard to just get through the day

      1. Clive. I hope you give yourself the credit for having survived those thoughts so far. I hear you saying that making through each day is a challenge. We are here for you here. Do tell me more.

    3. I really feel how you feel, i have tried to well hang myself i was really upset it didn’t work , i still am, i tried to overdose, and i haven’t stopped searching up how to do it since then. I really feel like this , some days its better but then the next day its unbearable. God i wish i had hope. My boyfriend always tells me it gets better,he is so kind, i love him with my hear to soul and death. i promised him i wouldn’t cut, i broke it so soon, help me…

      1. I hear you saying that you are always searching for a way to die because some days are so unbearable and you feel there is no longer any hope. But then some days are OK. It sounds like you also feel kind of guilty that you have such a nice boyfriend and you broke a promise you made to stop cutting. Is that about right?

        Relapsing to cutting doesn’t mean you have failed. It means you had a relapse to a behavior you became accustomed to. What that means is that you have maintained some time without the behavior. And you recognize that it’s not healthy. The cutting is a behavior that you rely on to cope. I have the confidence you will find other ways to cope by replacing that behavior but it’s not something that happens overnight. It’s a process and requires patience. You posted this message and I’m honored you did so. I think it’s because there is some part of you fighting to live only it’s suppressed by the dark side of depression right now. I am going to link to an article written by a woman who stopped cutting after years using this method. I don’t know if it will work for you. But if you are on the internet doing research, it can’t hurt to read it.

        You can come back and tell me more. I’m listening.

  10. Pls help me feel better it feels like im suffocating i have scars everywhere and my parents have seen it, everyone thinks its a phase! Then how come it wont fucking go away…..

    1. Oh Bella I feel your despair and frustration. It’s not a “phase” but usually the result of a mental illness like depression. Sometimes it comes and goes. And other times there are people who struggle with chronic suicidality. Have you been diagnosed with something like depression? This can be treated. I’m so sorry this plagues you. It really isn’t fair that you suffer like this.

    2. I also want to die I’m suffocated in my own thoughts I want to sleep forever. I’m married I have 3 beautiful children but I dont fit in on this world no one understands how I feel I’m just not meant to be here 🙁

      1. Ginger, I hear you say how much pain you are in and how tired you are of that feeling. Have I got that right? I am so sorry these thoughts are stalking you. I’m honored you shared with me and left a comment.

        Tell me about one of your kids since you mentioned them.

      2. completely resonate with that Ginger, I go to bed and wish hard that I won’t wake up, feel so wretched when I do and am still very much alive for another day of hell. It’s not that I want to specifically die I simply don’t want to live if this is ‘living’ then I want to check out / not be part of it. I dont belong in this world and wish the choice of killing myself would be taken out of my hands with either a terminal illness or an accident. can’t face thought of attempting suicide and failing, I have to know it’ll work.

        1. Oh Susie, I’m so sorry you suffer these feelings. You must be in so much pain. Do know it can be treated so you don’t live like you hate every day. TEll me how long your episodes of intense suicidality last?

      3. I really want die so badly
        There is basically nothing to live for. I lost my mother last yr on June and i just can’t get over it .
        I want peace , I want to be free from this pain .
        There’s nothing to live for after all

        1. Oh my how hard it must be to lose one of the most important loved ones in your life. I know that feeling, Zama. I’m so sorry. I suspect you are young and it’s way too early to lose someone so special. And I hear you saying that the agony of loss is so painful, you want to die. Is that right? Tell me more about your mother and her name. What was she like? What made her special? And what kind of legacy could you carry forward in her name? I am here to listen.

      4. I’ve already got the nitrogen, regular and tubing in my closet; I ordered it from Amazon. 🤷‍♀️ I’ve got such a grocery list of diseases, it doesn’t matter. I’ve talked to my husband to try to ready him, let him know it’s coming but he’s been so busy caring for me… he knows. I’d go to Switzerland… Dignitas but why? That would be just taking a huge amount of cash from him towards our expenses he’ll need once I’m gone when I can just as easily do it myself. He normally opens the pkgs for me but that day I abruptly said NO! I get it. No sanctioned assisted suicide in my state or it wouldn’t be a big deal because my dx’s would get help as it were. Instead, I troll the recesses of Internet. Our country needs to come out of the dark ages and stop the judgemental bullshit. And the religious fanatics that troll these areas, as well need to find other places to troll, as well. Until they’ve walked miles in the hell so many of us have, I highly suggest… save it. This isn’t a place for religious zealots to preach fire and brimstone. I’ve been in hell for the past 34 years with my broken body. It’s time for anything but this. I really don’t care at this point. There won’t be an attempted suicide with me. My children are raised; my parents are gone. My husband has lived with my pain for 25 years and understands the seriousness of it all. There’s just no relief any longer in this life and I’m okay with that. Not crying about any longer, not fighting it, not searching how to do it. Stop searching for painless ways as there are no painless ways.
        If you’re searching for that, go enjoy your life. I hope you have enough in your life to do. just. that. Personally, I feel peace that my time is near. I’m just waiting for a couple of other things to fall into place. I need to see my grandkids that covid has prevented. Then, I’m ready. I’m tired of this body of this broken body.

        1. I am so sorry you struggle with so many diseases. There is a point where quality of life and a cure cannot be achieved. I wish I could have helped my dad go earlier than he did. The last year was difficult. I can’t really say on your case because I don’t know all the diseases but I do wish we could allow people with irreversible disease to have the same dignity we offer our pets. I am so sorry . I think your husband will not have figured it out. We always miss the clues. You are in a tough spot and not for one minute will I pass judgment, encourage or discourage. I am listening. And learning. From you.

  11. I’m tired of crying alone every night, tired of everyone’s judging stares. I feel like nobody understands me, all they do is just pile pressure on me. They judge me for every imperfection I have. I have no friends. My parents don’t care, all they ever do is care for my brother. I feel like I’m an invisible shadow, out of sight out of mind. I honestly think that if I end it, nobody would even notice.

    1. That last line gave me chills. My son said that exact sentence. The truth is that we did notice and five years later we still hurt.

      But enough about me and back to you. I hear you saying you feel worthless and that your family wouldn’t care if you were gone. How long have you been having these feelings? How long have you struggled with brain pain?

  12. I am so ready to go. I am so ready to loop that noose around my neck and end it mercifully. I want to go. I am so afraid of living.

            1. Most often, but not always, they are the result of a major depressive episode. Things like isolation can trigger it. But I’m honorred, thankful and grateful you came back and responded. I know that you are struggling and it’s hard to have the energy to do anything.

  13. Never told I was adopted… Never knowing who i am. Unable to correct the mistakes of the past. Trapped in a loop of self doubt and pain. I seek the end. To know I have caused so much pain.

  14. Thank you😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

  15. First off, please accept my apologies for these selfish thoughts. It’s so easy to do and so tempting. And sadly, all the nicest, most sensitive people go through with it so swiftly and catastrophically. And i wish there had been a way to stop them.

    But i can’t sleep and i can’t shake the thoughts, even though my last proper attempt lies twenty years back, i feel an urgency and desire to strangle my useless mind out from this world.
    I know it’s horrible, and i´ll need to find a better and stealthier way to make it look like an accident.
    But if i walk over to the shed and just hang myself one night there won´t be a way to repent.

    So let me say at least once, i’m sorry for being such a rubbish person.

    1. I hope that the suicidal thoughts wore off before you took action. In fact, putting more time between thought and action oftentimes helps. Because those thoughts do expire and lift. I call them brain attacks. I know they are relentless, pervasive, convincing and painful. Let me know how you are today and how you are feeling. I’d like to know more about you.

      1. Thank you very much for the good advice and for taking the time!
        It actually helps.
        I try to time-travel and to look back. Maybe fix something around the house. Be social.

        Writing made me feel more ashamed. Of course. But that´s like a stubbed toe. Better to see one concrete flaw than a whole useless mess.

        So thanks again!

        1. It comes on with such incredible intensity. So convincing when the brain takes your mind hostage. It lifts finally but enduring it is difficult. I hope you made it through. I am here to listen if you want to tell me more about how you feel.

  16. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I have bipolar disorder and sometime when my husband is cruel I don’t want to live anymore. Depression is a terrible illness. Thank you for this website. Bless you. Be well.

    1. Thank you Barbara for your kind words about Charles. I’m so sorry your husband is cruel to you. And bipolar is such a difficult mental illness to manage. Do you want to tell me more about how you feel? I’ll listen and answer.

      1. I am not feeling myself my figure is a mess it’s all fat and excess skin the surgeon want operate I’m can’t cope any more don’t want to be here I want to kill myself it started off with my legs burning then they collasped and my stomach did the same so now I’m left with a lot of skin

  17. This is coward and it won’t work !
    Basically you say ” If you die, your pain will stop but my pain will grow. So, please don’t do that. Suffer yourself and don’t let others to suffer”

    Sorry it doesn’t work anymore. You said we have no idea how much you suffer and i believe that, but you don’t have an idea how WE SUFFER EITHER.

    Like our suffering is secundary. No therapist, no doctor, no relative care or help
    a whole life alone, surrounded by bastards suckers who only make you feel worse. You and your bloody useless pills. I’ll do it because i’ll do it.
    My family destroyed my life, perhaps they will feel 1% of the pain i have been feeling.
    and believe me, this is not about revenge of course, this is because it’s simple UNBEARABLE. So stop with this mean way of make us feeling guilty. This is LOW,miserable ,coward. You instead should feel guilty to destroy our lives. 47 years making me feeling guilty. NO MORE. I’ll do it !

    1. There is no way I could know your pain. I can only imagine it and whatever I imagine is not even close to the emotional agony you have endured. I think people who suffer thoughts of suicide are the most courageous people I know. You have a right to be angry. Feeling as you do is not the kind of thing that makes you want to have a happy dance. I respect your suffering and I do apologize if I came across guilting you into life. That was not my intention but I do understand many could see it that way. So thank you for your enlightening point of view. Thank you for commenting. And do feel free to tell me more so I can understand that this is different for everyone.

    2. I’ve don’t like my figure I’ve got a lot off excess skin and the surgeon won’t operate it is making me not won’t to be here any more I can’t cope with life I’m trying to exercise but nothing happening there is to much fat and skin and not much muscle

      1. Beth. I feel your self loathing and appreciate that it feels so awful you want to die. Our culture puts such pressure on people to look a certain way. Funny if you look back to certain periods of human existence, having excess skin and extra weight was seen as a good thing. It was a sign of being wealthy and healthy. Just look at paintings by Rubin. But your only job right now is to keep yourself safe from suicide. All the other issues can be tackled later.

  18. I guess it’s time. My husband told me I was only good for grocery shopping and I even screwed that up, so there’s not much left for me to offer.

    We’ve been married for 22 years, I have a chronic debilitating condition and he’s right. I’m not good for anything anymore. But, it’s not like I can just wake up and be different. Things are only going to get worse from here and I’m well aware of that. This is in no way me feeling sorry for myself. It’s just the truth. A dark, ugly truth unfortunately.

      1. Thank you so much for replying.

        I have three children. My one son is the only reason I’m still here. I know it would break his heart. I can’t purposely do that to him. But, I do prepare him for the inevitable mostly just to assure him that when it is my time to please know that I am in a better place. I will be pain free finally and to know that I am okay with it should it happen. I don’t know if that’s appropriate but I tell all three to have peace that I am no longer suffering. 🤷🏻‍♀️

        That’s all I really want is to have a life. It pains me soooooo much to envy those who aren’t suffering.

        Thank you again. I’m so sorry you had to go through losing a child. I can not imagine the heartbreak you have endured.


        1. Losing someone to suicide is a never ending journey from which I will never fully heal and thank you for your kindness and remembrance during a painful episode of your own life. Thank you for coming back. It’s an honor that you have trusted me with this darkness.

          Tell me more about the child who will struggle with this the most if you Suicide. What’s his name (first name only)? How old is he? I had an empathetic child too. And want to hear more about him in particular.

          1. You are so adorable. I went to your Facebook page and I can’t help but want to reach into those photos and bring him back for you. I love your accent as well. It reminds me of my father who lives in Wichita and has a “twang”. Lol.

            I have twin boys. Completely fraternal. Barely even look like they’re from the same family. But, the one I’m referring to is all me. He stays up late and talks for hours to me and I can honestly say “likes” me. They’re 19, so most people are lucky to get a “Hi and Bye” from their kids so I’m very grateful to have him. It’s not like the other two don’t like me but well, sometimes I guess I feel like they may not. Or at the very least resent me for being ill. I always thought I’d be closest to my daughter. She’s 21 but I’m not for some reason. I can tell I annoy her greatly. So most times I find myself apologising to everyone for my flaws and shortcomings. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want to. Honestly. Now fall is coming and I live in dreadful Wisconsin where we have two seasons. Winter for 9 months and summer for 3. That doesn’t help either.

            Thank you again for responding. I appreciate it…☺️

            1. Man the world can not afford to lose someone like you. Those with such empathy are rare. It throws off the balance of humans. Can I help you locate resources in your area? Just city and state is all I need to research. And that kid sounds like charles. Man how I miss those talks we would have. And you are so kind, T. I felt today that old urge of turning back the clock and yanking him back with me. Funny how that tugs at me sometimes. Teens are rarely tons of fun. They come around. Have you ever written anything about your depression? Would you want to? Would you share it? Anonymous is fine.

              1. Well, I’m pretty good at being my own psychologist to be honest. It’s just super lonely sometimes to be by myself with my own thoughts.

                I’ve managed to survive and conquer bigger things than this issue (sexual abuse and the twins being born 14 weeks too soon) in my past, so I’m fairly confident I can get through this too. But guilt can certainly wear a person down that’s for sure.

                I’m not sure what you mean, have I written about it tho’?? I do tend to write letters to my husband that he never reads (because I don’t give them to him) if that helps? I am an extremely verbal person. I need to let things out so I don’t internally combust so I’ve been known to say what I feel which can sometimes get me in trouble and/or hurt someone’s feeelings at times which I don’t ever mean to, but….🤷🏻‍♀️ Que sera sera.

                I guess I just deal with things myself one way or another. It’s worked so far….and, it’s amazing to one day finally realize that what you once thought was totally impossible to achieve is actually the easiest, most natural thing a Mother could ever do. Raise your children with morals and values and protect them from the evils of this world. Unfortunately, something my very own parents failed to do. So, I know I did that right at least. ☺️ Now to just beat the statistics of failed marriages and divorce rates, I’ll be golden! 🤣

                1. Wow. You are so brave and resilient to have endured these feelings so many times. I can’t even imagine the amount of strength that takes. And to have survived sexual abuse on top of all that. You really are incredible.

                  Those letters you write are good therapy. You don’t have to share them with him or anyone else. But I would tell him you have suffered these thoughts. If you ever wanted to share a story here or one of those letters anonymously it would help our readers understand. I have those who have lived experience but also people who have lost a loved one to suicide and struggle to understand it.

                  I do an exercise with college students where i have them put on post it notes their problems that they deal with. And when they step back, they think, “I’m not alone.” You are not alone. You can always come back to this site and comment on a post. I will reply.

      1. I have felt that way, too, SF. In fact, I felt that I fit nowhere today. But the feeling passes. And I hope it does for you, too. And I want you to know that I care whether you live or die and I would like to know more about you and what hurts.

        1. I feel exactly the same way,, but I hope you won’t do it, Unlike me, you sound like you have amazing possibilities, and an awareness of the ether. So take a deep breath, jog as far and as fast as you can, watch a funny but clean movie, look yourself in the mirror and see the good person this empath sees, eat a healthy veggie meal, take a warm shower, and rejoice, you made it this far, and just take it one day at a time. Get some sunshine and pray for someone hurting worse than you, even if you haven’t met them.

  19. I figured out how to hang my self tonight. Things started going black. The only reason I’m still here is because I made an error and I was able to stand up when I panicked. The feeling of numbness was kind of nice. I feel guilty for even trying it, I’ve delt with my depression for almost 10 years and never actually tried something..

    1. It must be awful to feel such pain yet so much guilt, too. And I know you don’t want to kill yourself, you just want the pain to go away. It does go doesn’t it? The intensity doesn’t last forever. Maybe twenty minutes? And awful and horrible 20 minutes. But oh my gosh I am glad you are still here. Are you willing to tell someone? I know they would rather hear your dark secret than find you in the state in which you were almost in.

      1. I can tell my husband. He didn’t notice the red mark around my neck last night, and I didn’t tell him last night because we got into a fight and I didn’t want him to think it was because of him.

        1. Can you reach out to local resources? Can you tell me your general location? Just a city and a state. So I can see if there is a local hotline. Many times those are best. I really want you to find help. So this might take some back and forth. I want you to be here tomorrow and the day after that.

      2. Ms Anne tonight I tried to kill myself and obviously didn’t get very far. I chose to hang myself because I felt like I deserved to suffer and a quick death was too Good for me. I am not a saint. I’m no father to children. No one wakes up and wonders if I’ll be here tomorrow. My life has no merit. I’m an African American and in our communities things like this are shut out or ignored even in close family circles. The only reason I’m writing is because there is someone that I love someone that made it worth it for me. I just wanted to put this out there just in case she ever came across this after I’m gone so she could know she was loved. I loved her with every ounce of me that I had and no I wasn’t perfect but she made me feel perfect if nobody else made me matter she made me matter she gave me purpose even after my neglect wounded her irreversibly she would never let me leave. I just want to say To SADE Cintron I’m Sorry for the things I did. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough and none of this has any way shape or form to do with you. Nobody ever taught me anything about the world until you taught me you don’t leave the ones you love. Even as I sit here sobbing I only regret I couldn’t make our time together perfect and help ease the burdens that worry you

        1. D. Gunn- I hope I’m not too late. I’m here. I’m so sorry you are suffering such pain. And I was just at an African American church yesterday speaking on this subject. I know it will change in the next few years and I hope you are still here to see it happen. Do tell me more about Sade, what she looks like, what you love about her.

          1. I’m sorry I’m late But Sade is a lighter skinned girl with the biggest cheeks when she smiles that even a smirk and the round ones will well up. She has a gap and a big forehead and I still love her but what I love about her is the flashes of raw emotions that she shows me. And by that I mean I come from a world where it’s rare to see people without an ulterior motive so to find such a delicate flower still exhibiting pure emotion she laughs when she wants to laughs and only when she wants to laugh not to spare anyone’s feelings and so on I see genuine humanity and emotion when I look at her and that’s what I love about her besides her personality. Thank you Again for just existing and having this it pulled me back from a dark place and really put things back on the level

            1. I see this comment now. What a beautiful person. Someone I would love to know too. And you are the lucky one who has found her. Thank you for sharing that with me and taking the time to share it. You know what, she is lucky to know you.

              A person like that is also someone you can tell. You can do it by writing it. I don’t want Sade to suffer without having you in her life. Because I sense you have such compassion and we need African American men like that.

          2. I’m not sure if my last comment came through but thank you again and by some miracle me and Charles were born on the exact same day

            1. You are kidding? The same birthday. I need someone out there with Charles’ birthday who is alive.

              I see your first comment and this one but if there was one in the middle about the love of your life, I don’t see it. I would still love to hear about her. I am so grateful you are alive today I could cry. African American men get so little emotional support. But I am seeing a change. Keep talking. You can write about your pain here.

  20. I’m still around. Even though my wife said she has moved on and has started dating someone else to whom she has introduced the kids I am not giving up. I feel if she can consistently see the new me then we have a chance.

    1. Thank you so much for letting me know you are still here. Your sweet boys deserve a loving dad and it sounds like there has been some personal progress in terms of where you are emotionally. It’s important to have some self love first. That is the foundation and so hard during a supreme loss as you have suffered. Come update here at any time.

      1. I have two girls and one boy. My negative emotions have been replaced with a steely determination to not give up until I’m back where I belong.

        1. Your first comment was August 19. Look how far you have come in that short amount of time, Sean. You amaze me. Thank you so very much for coming back and letting me know. When you get a moment, let me know the ages of your children.

          1. Is that all it’s been? It feels like a lot longer. I’m trying to set myself up for the inevitable setbacks that will come my way. I learned that she is taking the kids on a camping trip with her new guy and her friends and their kids just after Christmas. Then she is taking them again on another trip with her parents probably with him again. I’m trying to focus on the long term goal

            1. That’s why I thought your progress was fast. Are you still seeing a counselor? And if so has she/he helped you plan for “relapses” in your resolve along the way? I have had short relapses in grief for example. I just want to make sure you have a safety plan. Good to have. Thanks for the update

              1. I was seeing a counselor but not anymore. I will go back to them if things get bad. Right now I am making small progress towards getting back with her.

                1. Glad you have one, Sean. I failed to go to my support group when I needed it most. I isolated. Hindsight on my part. But having one you can go to is so important. Self care is so vital. Thank you for continuing to update me.

    2. Hello Sean, how are you? I read some of your story on this thread and I can relate to your situation. My husband left me and my daughters when I was pregnant February 2019, and I feel guilt from my mistakes and also grief. My issues go further with a lifetime of depression and anxiety that no one seems to understand but only place blame on me and some of the things I can’t control. I began to just hate myself and feel worthless on this earth and hate everything about life and just want to leave this body and die. Now in the midst of the coronavirus outbreak I am isolated and alone, my 4 daughters with my husband and I am limited to see them because I work outside the home. Last night I had a breakdown and this morning made a plan of action to hang myself, but have not gone through with it because I am afraid to go to hell, so I beg God to just let me contract the coronavirus and die. I have lost over 10 lbs and now down to 115 lbs which is extremely underweight for me. I am withering away. I didn’t mean to type so much and boggle you down with my issues. I hope you have found some peace in your life by now. I can totally relate to the holidays and just not feeling connected to my children anymore. I hope you are well!

      1. A.M.C- I welcome a response from Sean, too but I just wanted to thank you for commenting and sharing your pain with us. I’m honored you did so. You don’t deserve what has happened to you. The isolation right now is unbearable, especially in your situation. I just want you to know you have been heard, and I feel your pain and your exhaustion over it all. I’m so sorry this human being who was your husband has made you feel worthless and that you feel done with this life. I’m also grateful your breakdown didn’t result in your death.

        You mentioned 4 daughters. Tell me a little something about all of them or one of them. Thank you again for sharing.

        1. I haven’t been here for a while. I have been OK for a while but now the images and pain are flaring up again and the dark thoughts are returning. I’m away from my kids because of this lockdown and calling them just reminds me of how much I want them around.

          I feel everything that AMC is feeling. I don’t want time to continue because I’m afraid of what the year will bring. I don’t want these feelings or pain anymore.

          1. I remember you Sean. I am amazed at your courage and tenacity for managing these thoughts so far. I remember your story and you have survived so much emotional pain the isolation is making things worse. I am so sorry that this has triggered you after so much work on your part. But you have made it through. Tell me what strategies you have used so far. I want to help you identify those so you continue to be there for your kids.

  21. I have started counselling but I am very cynical about how effective it will be. Even though I am trying to move on with my life I still love her and I still want her. Even though she does things that make me angry I still want her.

    I don’t want these feelings and I really don’t want to face another Christmas.

    1. I can understand those feelings. It takes a long time to work through having what you pictured as your life change in a way that is beyond your control. No one embraces this right at first. It is a grief process and right now that nagging amygdala won’t let you even enjoy a beautiful sunset without injecting some negativity. You are making the effort and a lot of men refuse to take that step and I admire that you have.

      One way I survived my son’s suicide was to tell myself I would. Did I wholeheartedly believe it? I can’t say I did. But I just told myself that multiple times per day. My life is not perfect but I can now see things like birds on a telephone line and I take in the moment and it makes me happy. I was unable to do that for a long time.

      Grief is so intense at first and I believe that is what is triggering your thoughts of suicide. Building a new positive picture of your life takes time and understand that right now it might be too hard to see it. But even if you have a glimmer of a positive thought, note that for yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for a small success. Start with the fact that you come back here and comment with me. You are making an effort, opening up about very raw and agonizing feelings. You want things to change and while you may not see how it can change that is a step forward although a really painful one. So you have let in someone else and you are struggling to move forward but you are doing it.

      And you may not understand it, but this conversation helps me heal, too. My son was all about connection and I feel him with me when I connect with you and listen. So thank you.

        1. I planned ahead this year for the holidays. I can’t stand them so we planned a trip. Just know this time of year is really tough for many of us. So come back here on emotionally naked because we are bah humbug here and just trying to get through it. I laugh at how utterly negative we are about it.

            1. Sean I am going to point out that you are already struggling with a holiday that is not even here yet. Projection is what that is called. I have always been guilty of projecting too. You have time to make plans for yourself. You and your boys deserve you. I dreaded it too.

              1. I have two girls and one boy. I know what Christmas is going to be like. A place where I have no say and no control over anything.

                1. I hate to say this but most men don’t have much control over Christmas. But having that expectation that you won’t get much say going in might help. You could start to write your wife a letter about it. Don’t send the first version, or the second or third, but set some terms and expectations for the holiday and say it’s a negotiation. This has clearly gotten stuck in your head and we need to let it have a chance to sit on paper so it’s not taking up so much room in your mind. I want to help you stay alive, so let me know how I can help you with that.

                    1. The only person we can control is ourselves. We can’t make someone else do something we want. But oftentimes when we change and adapt, others around us are Influenced and sometimes they do change. Or we do in that process. So it all starts with us. How old are your boys?

                    2. Hi
                      firstly please accept my sincere condolences relating to Charles. You are stronger than I.
                      I’ve been severely depressed for over a year now. I have a career, 3 beautiful children. My partner left me a year ago, it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I loved him very much, but my life now is empty and pointless. I dont get excited by anything, I think of suicide when I wake and before sleep every day and the feelings are getting stronger and stronger towards it. I’m scared for my children.

                    3. Thank you so much for your condolences. It means a lot. I’m sorry it’s been so hard. Caring for yourself and young children after being left is very difficult to manage financially, physically and emotionally. And given what you’ve said, it sounds like the depression is getting worse. This is a medical condition that can be treated. I do think you love and treasure your three children and you are struggling to fight for yourself and it sounds like it’s getting harder. Given that, please reach out for help. Is there a friend you can ask? And if you tell me a location (not your address but city and state) I can see if I can find local resources to get you started. I know you do not have much energy and the thought of reaching out is overwhelming. But I want to help you save your own life. So I’m here to help you take that step for you and your family’s sake. I know you want help. I’m honored you had the courage to comment. Thank you.

            2. I’ll never quit meth and will never complete my federal supervision as I do good and then a dirty and they lock me up long enough to lose everything and start over my 3 yr supervision. It causes stress
              On my family and friends. I need to just quit getting high. I only have one way to do it I think

              1. It sounds as if you are frustrated with how hard it is to find and then start in sobriety. And equally as frustrating that it undoes any progress you have made. That has to feel like it won’t improve. To me it looks like you have recognized a pattern. And in my experience, that is progress because you are not denying it. I actually feel as if you are further along to finding recovery than you think. Good god it looks hard from the outside as I have watched friends and loved ones struggle. But while all of this has been happening you have been building strategies, strength and resilience. You can’t be some weakling to have made it through so many. So what might be triggering your relapses? Is there some feeling that precedes them? And I do. Have confidence you have the strength to find recovery. I do see that those who work in recovery tend to be able to hold onto it. Recovery is ugly all dotted with relapses and starting over. But you are not starting from scratch with each one. There is progress there. I hope you will give yourself credit for that. You are one strong person. And I hope you are getting the support you deserve

      1. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t hide it and pretend but I don’t want to cause stress and hurt to the ones I love even though I know in time they’ll realise they are better off without me.

        Sorry I’ve jumped on someone else’s thread, I couldn’t work out how to make my own.

        1. L that’s ok that you replied to another comment. I am just glad you found a way to do it at all. When that intense moment of pain hits it’s hard to do anything beyond suffer. I am am sorry you are. Do tell me about what is hurting. I want to hear.

  22. I’m done with this life. My whole i have done nothing but screw up. Within the last year i lost my job, forced to take a manual labor job that i hated, my wife wanted to separate, i was forced to rent a room alone. Im now living with my parents who fight constantly adding to my stress. Im under pressure in my studies that my parents were forced to help me with financially because I could not get any financial help from the usual agencies.

    My wife IS better off without me. She has told me numerous times (not to be mean to me). She now is looking to date again which I don’t want her to, not because I’m controlling but because I love her so much.

    I only see my kids every second weekend because I live in a different town. They are growing up without me. The other day my son had to be taken to the doctor and I wasn’t there for him because of my mistakes.

    My wife and kids have support from both our families. My parents are even covering child support for me because I can’t.

    I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of the stress. I’m tired of the sadness. I’m tired of making mistakes. Im tired of being a burden. I’m tired of not being where I want to be with who I want to be with; which is with my wife in the house we both own.

    This is the second time I’ve seriously considered suicide in two weeks. Two of my kids are with me. I’m going to spend time with them, go help out a friend, write my note and hang myself. Some pain and then nothing.

    I’m sick of the usual bullshit that things will get better, that better days are ahead, that i should seek help, that I am strong, that I should focus on the positives, that I should focus on my studies, that I should enjoy my children. I am no longer happy. My mind can’t think anymore. Every night I don’t want to sleep because then another day begins and, when it does, I’m disappointed.

    I’ve tried counsellors, I’ve tried medication, I tried looking at the positives but nothing works.

    My family will be better off without me. I’m finishef

    1. First of all, thank you for writing about your pain and offering so much detail. It really sounds excruciating. And I HATE when someone tries to talk me out of how I feel and tho s some rosy picture in front of me. I am not going to do any of that. A lot of shit has happened to you and it’s driving these thoughts of worthlessness and honestly if I were there I would just hug you because I have felt hurt this bad. I can’t help but admire you for still trying to keep up with your studies during all of this. It’s pretty remarkable. But how would your kids feel if you died by suicide? Would they feel responsible like I feel about my son’s suicide? You can al aye put off suicide for another day or week to think that through. Do come back and tell me more or how it is today if you want. I would be honored to hear it. I am here. I am listening.

      1. The kids will be fine. They are being looked after. I’m a shit dad anyway. When they are here I hardly do anything with them because I just don’t feel up to it. They are better off without me.

        I’m only studying because I lost my job as a software developer because of my own mistakes!

        My wife is better off without me. My kids will be better off without me. My family will be better off without me. I’m just taking up space and costing money.

        My last glimmer of hope was that my wife and I might get back together but she has confirmed that will never happen so that hope is now gone. I don’t want anyone else and I can’t live with her being with anyone else. Thinking about it is agony.

        If I am not feeling pain then I am feeling nothing. I am dead inside so I might as well be dead on the outside too. Everyone has to face death at some point in their life

        1. I’m so sorry Sean. But I will add that as as suicide loss survivor, losing a loved one that way has lifetime consequences. They will struggle and suffer as a result of your suicide. I know because I get the applications for a mental health organization and see the impact a suicide has on the kids who are left behind. They have lifelong struggles and need a lot of support, even if they are not that close to a parent when that parent dies. But I also understand and appreciate how you feel. The depression right now is sucking up your motivation.

          When someone you love doesn’t love you back, it’s a grief process. I know that feeling well and at first I didn’t think I would survive it. Somehow I did. But this is about you. Keep talking to me. I’m listening.

          1. I just can’t stop imagining her going out to dinner with another guy, then him moving into my house, into my bed with my wife looking after my kids. That is my family, my whole reason for living and now I have been pushed aside. I hardly see my kids now. So what is the point of going on.

            Every time I feel like my life is going well it all crashes down on me. Well I have had enough. I have a vision for my life and that is all gone now. My whole reason of living has been taken away from me.

            1. First, thank you so much for coming and commenting. I cried I was so glad you are still alive. I am grateful to you for that. I suffered so much from projecting scenarios like you have here that might or might not ever happen. I had to go to a support group for parents of children who were addicted to work through so many of my issues. And after to a group for support through grief.

              You are in a tough place for sure. After charles’ suicide I lived, not because I wanted to be here or was motivated to stay but because I felt obligated to live. That was at first. I looked for support.

              Sean if you leave us you take all your big heart with you. All your talents, gifts, potential that you have no idea you have. If you leave, we would be cheated out of what you could become. Your kids would be cheated out of a future relationship you don’t even know you will have. There is only one you. Only one ever in the history of the world. That beautiful person deserves to find support and love. Would you be open to finding a support group for those going through divorce? Just find that one thing for you right now and not worry about all the rest? Keep talking. I’m listening

              1. Still here. Today I wrote my note. Just now I tested it with my tie. Two seconds in and I could feel myself going numb. It was quite pleasant.

                It’s a comfort to know that I can go whenever I want. That is the only part of my life I control now.

                1. Let me ask you this. Who would find you? Can you imagine if you found someone after they have completed a suicide? It is the most gut-wrenching scene to find a loved one dead like that. We feel forever responsible somehow. And the final scenery never leaves you. It is in dreams, thoughts and they are hard to push away.

                  Second. Can you take one step to help yourself? Just one. Give yourself a chance? A support group? A therapist? A friend? Let me know and I can help you know what to say or how to find support. I am here. Keep talking. Thank you for coming back. If you can not reply to this message because of the reply limit of the software, start a new one.

                  1. I’m still here. I went to therapy on Wednesday but I don’t think it will make a difference. I’m not going to hang myself but I have updated my plan. I am just waiting for whatever comes next to tip me over the edge.

                    1. I am thankful. Can you try something for me. Your brain is stuck in a negative spiral and it just keeps playing that same theme and making you feel bad. You can retrain it. This is simple but will be hard in your state of mind. First thing in the morning find one thing that you can appreciate. For me if it’s clear outside I like to go look at the blue sky with clouds and just stare at it and think “this is beautiful.” Or if it’s cloudy I think of one thing I am grateful for. This is really hard in a depressed state. I set my intention that I was the boss of my brain. Slowly things started to change. This has scientific merit. I would also say in the morning “i am the boss of my brain and I will see beauty. “ That was right after my son killed himself. I know it sounds ridiculous but if you want things to change we have to get that brain out of its negative cycle working against you. I can’t make you set this intention. But I think your kids are worth it. They are still there. They are not dead like my child so there is always hope you will one day have the kind of relationship you want. Thank you so so much for coming back and talking. I am honored beyond words and grateful for your boys that you are still here.

      2. There are two pictures. One of me and my wife and one of our three kids. Everytime I walk past them the pain returns. I can’t live on with this pain. I try to find something to be happy about each morning but each morning the first thing I think is that I’m not where I’m supposed to be with who I’m supposed to be with and that drags me down for the whole day.

        1. It takes a while before your brain starts to respond differently. It took me a while to look at a picture and see it another way. I didn’t think I could live through the pain. It was everywhere so I told myself that as bad as it was right then nothing could be worse than the shock of getting the news. It was all I could do for a while. And then the one thing I was grateful for every morning which was sometimes something ridiculous like “I am grateful charles wasn’t kidnapped and tortured by a serial killer” But I keep at it. I believed it would work and it did. But it took a while. I can’t even remember how long. It was a place to start. Your boys are a reason to live. They would want their dad. What’s more I want you to live and I am very grateful you keep coming back because it shows effort and courage in the face of devastation. I appreciate that you trust me with the conversation. Thank you for that. I feel your pain. I do want you to live through the pain. And I have confidence you can.

          1. I don’t think that Ann actually cares about the people that post. I could harm myself and her blog post would get another review and she’d get money for it .

            1. I get paid nothing for this blog and it costs me one thousand a year to run it. That’s why you see no ads on it. Let me know how I can help you? I am listening. If you respond I will read and reply.

              1. Hi Anne. You sound like a wonderful person. I am so sorry to hear about your son. At the same time I cannot help but be envious of him.

                I am 27 years old. I have struggled with anxiety since I was a teen. The past few years I have searched for help. I have seen physicians who stated “everyone gets anxious, we cannot help you”, as well as physicians who went out of their way to help and accommodate me.

                Alas, I waited until 23 to attend community college, which I failed out of in the last semester. I currently make $37000 per year at a job that I think is killing me.

                I have so much love for the people in my life. I do not want to cause them pain. However I do not see a fulfilling future for myself. I have felt this way for years and years. I think finally things are coming to a close and I am ready to go.

                I can’t seem to enjoy a normal life like those around me. Yes everyone has troubles but I wake up everyday dreading my day. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like life is one step forward followed by three steps backwards.
                I guess I am asking this:

                How can I minimize the pain that my death will cause others?

                I am the baby of the family. My parents will be devastated, I know. How can I offer them relief once I am gone? How can I help them understand that this is the solution that I am happy with?

                Thank you for your time and your work. I’m sure you have helped thousands, and again I am so sorry about your son. I am sure he loved you more than you know.

                I apologize for interrupting, I could not find a button to start my own thread.

                1. Wherever you post is perfectly fine and I’m so glad you wrote all of what you are feeling. I am honored you did and found this page. And I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, too. I can tell you there is no way to soften the blow of your suicide. Your family would be devastated. The fact that you are worried about your family says so much about what a loving and thoughtful person you are.

                  Depression tends to get brains stuck in a negative cycle and the way to healing is to jump start it out of that cycle and the only one who can do it is you. But telling your family how you feel can get the process started in some cases. If you have not already told them. Connecting with your family helps you find the incentive to find healing. No one should suffer alone. I won’t let you.

                  You can reply to this. Keep talking.

          1. Above you say that you can get your brain out of a negative cycle by jump starting it. Well everytime I jump start it, or if some starts to go right with my life, it all comes crashing down around me. Either through my own fault or just shit happening. Either way I am left with a mess.

            Ive had enough of it.

            1. I get that. It does suck when one thing after another happens. The front part of your brain, the amygdala wants to keep you in that negative mode and it takes persistent effort to get it out of that mode. When we are depressed, that’s really really hard. Once I learned about the science behind it, I could get from under the despair. There is a book about how to get your brain out of the cycle that keeps sabotaging us. One is How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention. And the other, I have to find the title to because I want to read it. It’s more about how one can work themselves out of a depression when everything is exploding. I heard about it on a podcast. This one. I was a guest on the podcast and listened to some episodes first and this author was intriguing.

              1. I met an amazing woman online. We chatted for a week and had the most amazing conversations. I know that we had a connection as she said so. We met and the next day she said that she had issues to work through and was not ready for a relationship. That broke me.

                That incident sums up my entire life perfectly. If something goes right then life redresses the balance.

                1. The good news is that someone was interested. The fact that she had things to work through is no reflection on you. You have a lot to offer, Sean. I believe that before I can attach myself to another, I have to get myself straight. And after Charles’ suicide, all I could see was terrible stuff and the good stuff just couldn’t get through.

                  You have had a huge blow. I feel your hurt and I understand it. And it’s OK that you feel devastated. I’m just honored you are talking to me, that I am worthy enough for you to tell me how you are struggling. Just let me know how I can help and I can always listen and reply back.

                  1. I am so scarred and beaten. I have suffered so many blows throughout my life and I honestly don’t know how much more I can endure. Maybe one more devastating blow and I will be done.

                  2. Also I did not take care of the kids well this weekend and my ex told me it was not good enough. Something I had heard a lot in my life and i’m sick of hearing it. I want to get back with her but I don’t know how

                    1. She does not sound like she is trying to help you out here. I know you still have feelings for her though. It’s still raw. It doesn’t matter how many other men have gotten through this when you are the one going through it. It just hurts. Have you thought about a divorce support group? I am glad you are talking about it. Men don’t get to talk about what hurts. But I know you will raise your boys to express themselves.

                    2. Hi Anne,
                      It’s strange how most of the time it is easier to talk to a complete stranger about your darkest and truest secrets and emotions, but i am thankful you have this. I have battled depression almost all my life on my own because most people around me does not take it seriously or does not know how to or want to deal with it. I’ve tried my best to help myself by putting energy into writing music, caring for others, or numbing myself through drug use. I am now at a point where i don’t know what else to do or who i can talk to or how to even make things better, which has brought me to a conclusion that there is only one way out. I know deep inside that i don’t want to die, i just don’t want to live like this anymore. It feels like i am already dying by living in a way i do not want to, so i rather end the pain faster.

                    3. First I feel honored you made the comment. It’s very courageous. I can tell you are miserable fighting for your life all the time. And you are really brave to have endured so much pain. Honestly. It has to be exhausting. However if you take your life you take hope and your potential with you. You have no idea yet what you can accomplish or overcome. I am actually very confident you can get to a place where you can find joy. From your comment I just feel it is within you.

                      Let me ask you this. Is there someone in your life you care about? If so, tell me about that person.

    2. Sean,
      I feel the same.
      I am in my 40s having given my all for 17 yrs to my husband. I became chronically ill, can’t hold a job, and he walked out on my son and I. He sends no support. My own family won’t help. Most friends walked away. I am home bound and supposed to take care of my son alone. 9 mos I’ve struggled and tried. I cry every day for hours. Meds, therapy…they do nothing. I pray and pray God will send help, but clearly my faith is not good enough. I wanted to end my life back then. But I listened to those who said things would change, and held on. But they have only gotten worse. My husband would never want to come back to a “sick” wife. His life is great. He has family and friends who encourage him to move on and find a new wife who isn’t sick. As if this was a choice of mine.
      Unless people hit this rock bottom it’s easy for them to say hold on, this is your brain etc. I’ve lived through enough trauma thinking others know better and it was me who needed to see that things could improve. But after decades of seeing it never gets better, I realize the only power we have is over what we can do. That means taking my life, so my son can go to a better home. My husband is free to find someone else, and my family does not ever have to worry about tolerating me.
      I am now trying to find the sure way of ending it.
      Trust me, there will be no one who will grieve over this and struggle. They will all be free to move on. It’s me staying around that traps them into obligation.

    3. I’m really struggling today. I can’t take living with my mom anymore. It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing. I’m tired of being single and alone. Depression is wanting to crawl out of your own skin and just be somebody else. The person you always envisioned yourself to be.
      I’m losing this fight

      1. Gene, I am so sorry. Have you looked at the comments you have gotten from others on your post? You have a lot of supporters out there.

        What would be a first step to getting out of the basement (other than the one that your brain keeps pushing)? How can you find support outside your mothers home? Is your mom empathetic to your situation?

        You are suffering from lack of human connection and I can see and feel that it’s just festering. Keep talking. I am listening. I can’t fix but I can be here.

  23. You seem like an amazing person, Anne, putting in the time and effort to reassure others in crisis. I’ve managed to get through over a decade of suicidal thoughts and have done so many amazing things in those ten years that I never would have if I killed myself, but I’m going through a life transition right now that’s making me see life as unfriendly and disjointed and one I can’t live in for much longer. Seeing your dedication to helping people and how you’ve been able to channel the hurt from your son’s death into preventing more like it makes me feel life is a little friendlier and pain is a little more possible to live through. Thank you for this page and I’m so sorry for your loss. x

    1. How utterly amazing and strong you are to have lived through this pain over the years and still manage to contribute and make a difference. It is all of the commenters here that helped me understand suicidal thoughts which helped me understand my son’s death was not my fault. I’ve written a book that will be out Oct 2019 that I hope helps others understand suicide and the illnesses that often trigger it. Maybe then we’ll see more people connecting, listening and reaching out. We so need people like you to stay because you are the connectors. Thank you for taking the time to comment. Thank you for your compassion.

    2. I am 62 yrs old man and I am struggling to survive on my disability pension. I have lived with chronic back pain for 20 plus yrs. I have had 2 back surgeries and the second one made me worse. that was in Jan. 2000. I have not much hope for any future or relief from pain and poverty. I am sick of meds for pain and depression.

      1. Oh Ricky I’m so sorry you are suffering from both emotional and mental pain. And a back surgery that made things worse. That’s so unfair and I feel your pain. Do you have family? Pets? Tell me more about your life. I’m here. I’m listening.

    1. Louise – I’m so sorry you feel this pain. Depression is dark. My son wrote a lot about it. Can you tell me more? Let me know how I can hellp but I am here to answer your reply.

    2. You don’t want to do this. Trust me. There are so many people that love you and that would devastated if you killed yourself. So please… stay.

      1. You are in such pain. I am so sorry you are and if I were a friend and there with you I would give you a hug. And I would listen without judgement. Thank you for posting here at a time when it must have been excruciating to do so. You don’t deserve the agony you feel.

      2. temmie,

        I just came across this site to find answers to why my son’s friend committed suicide this week and just read your post. I want you to know there are so many people that love you who do not realize you are hurting. Known of us knew how much my son’s friend was hurting. If we only knew, maybe we could have helped. Please, Please let those around you know how you feel and what you are thinking. They want to help. God Bless You.

        1. This just isn’t true. I have talked to those closest to me about my immense pain, my overwhelming feelings of despair and none of them care. I am so alone and just can’t bear the pain of life anymore. There is nothing positive. Every day when I wake up I’m angry that I woke up!! I just want to die.

  24. Anne I’m sorry for the loss of your son. I think it’s amazing what you’re doing. Unfortunately, I stumbled across this site for the most obvious of reasons. I’ve had what I’m assuming is bipolar disorder for a really long time. Became rapid cycling very long ago. Became rapid around the time I was your son’s age. Being incredibly impulsive is obviously a great danger to somebody experiencing these thoughts.

    I’m definitely not a rapper but I’ve actually written rap eerily similar to your son’s and even tried recording it myself at one point. I recognized the sincere helpless emotion I saw in your son’s video immediately. I’m kind of tone deaf though. Unfortunate for my rap career.

    I am very creative. I’m sensing your son was as well. His rhymes were very strong and well written. Good poetry. I’m actually a 30 year old parent of two boys myself and have no business on this site. I love them a great deal. My greatest fear is that they grow up to have the feelings I have. I don’t care if they grow up to be gay, straight, chubby, slim, nerdy, or athletic. I just want them to be happy. I’m very concerned that they won’t be able to learn that from me. There’s obviously many other layers to that line of thinking that I won’t get into at the moment. I just want you to know that the sincerity and empathy regarding my condolences can not be overstated. I am really blown away by what you’ve done here to try and prevent another mother/father/brother/sister/friend/acquaintance from feeling the same helpless despair.

    If I had any kind of drug altering my state of mind at any point in time, I would not be here today. I know that. I grew up around them and luckily had the response that caused me to turn them down my whole life. I only bring that up because prior to having children, it was thinking about my family’s grief that always caused me to just live with the pain- so they didn’t have to. From that video alone I can see that your son was incredibly empathetic like myself. I dont think he would have done that to you guys with a clear state of mind. I just can’t imagine the wide range of emotions you’ve endured, and even reading this will incite.

    Lastly, I hope Charles’ brother is doing well. I really hope you both find happiness as hard as it must be at times. I wish the best to you and yours.

    I’m gonna stick around for a while. Thank you. Take care Anne.


    1. Hi Jake. Thank you so much for commenting. I read and reply to all of these. Bipolar is a tough mental illness to manage. I have three writers here who have it: Tammy Ozolins, Paul Buskey, John Farrow. This is Tammy’s post about rapid cycling.

      Isn’t it funny how that gift of creativity comes with mental illness. Charles was a creative genius. I marveled at it his whole life. He could make me laugh so hard my muscles would hurt the next day. And I know he didn’t kill himself to hurt us. I wrote a book that included a lot of his unpublished lyrics because it helped me understand the why behind suicide, addiction and mental illness. And yes, he was an empath like you. Give yourself credit for having this mental illness and surviving and even having a family. That take an enormous amount of strength to manage all of that in the most normal of circumstances much less with an illness.

      Charles’ brother is doing well. He’s been awesome to be, never asking me to stop crying and just giving me a hug when the tears flow. He’s in LA living his dream as a filmmaker. Feel free to stop by and even to write something for the site. I think a lot of people would like to read about a dad who suffers these thoughts. And I’m glad you didn’t go the substance route. So many with bipolar struggle with substance use disorder. And I’d love to read one of your rap songs. Thanks again for writing something. It means a lot to me.

        1. During that twenty minute episode when the brain thinks irrationally, most want to die. But after that attack, they are frightened and want to live. Most I talk to do want to tell and get help.

  25. Hi Anne,

    It’s strange where life takes you, I googled searching for a way to stop the pain and I found this.

    The sight of your son Charles and the feeling of love you felt leapt off the page.

    I am alone, I don’t know who to talk to. I am 38 but was abused by my grandfather when I was 6. I feel hopeless and useless and ashamed.

    I’ve never told anyone, until you.
    Seeing your boy, has spoken to me in a way nothing else I’ve seen or heard has in a long time.

    Thank you Anne x

    1. It’s thoughtful notes like this one that keep me motivated to do what I do. Anthea, no child deserves the abuse you suffered at the tender young age of six. It does affect your brain development and can trigger thoughts of suicide. But that does not mean its “incurable.”

      Thank you for saying what you did about my sweet boy. It means so much to me. And feel free to write more about your pain. I’m listening and I’m not ashamed of you. I have only empathy and understanding for what was a horrible violation of your young innocence. You are a survivor. You are courageous and unbelievably strong because you have endured something few of us have.

      1. Hi Anne,

        Thank you for your supportive words to my Sister, Anthea. She told me everything a week after she wrote on this website, the abuse, the shame, the depression, her darkness.
        I thought this was the first step for her, telling you and then telling me. She seemed to come back to us, her family. Then three weeks ago, she actually tried to commit suicide. She is now in an inpatient unit receiving help and treatment. Our lives our changed forever. I wanted to say that what you do is monumental and brave, it deserves nothing but the utmost respect. Thank you x

        1. Thank you so much. I often don’t know what happens but the fact that she is alive, getting help and has people who love her is good news. And attempts do change us. Thank you again and do update me.

      1. Wow. Helena. You are so brave. How awful you were treated that way. I am so sorry. Thank you for reporting back to me and letting me know you are OK. It sounds like your parents have been abusive and I am so sorry you are having to endure that.

  26. Good afternoon

    Ive stumbled across your blog as I search for the courage to end my life.

    The pain is intolerable and as I reach out, I find no hands that can take mine.

    I have let everyone down – I am a middle aged man. I was married for 32 years but knew that I was gay from the age of 14.

    I left the family home 12 months ago. My children are all grown up and I know that I was making my wife and my families life totally miserable.

    I met the most amazing person and experience a love that I have never felt before. We have been together now for 10 month’s. We are both the same age and have both been through the same life experiences.

    We are on the verge of moving in together. We both have good jobs and a good income.

    But my anxiety has got the better of me. I feel such a burden to him. My self esteem and self worth have been crushed.

    The overriding negative thoughts crush me on a minute by minute basis and I just cant stand it any longer.

    The lonliness is intolerable and bit by bit my support network has disappeared.

    Im not ashamed of being gay – I take full responsibility for the hurt that I have caused. I was dammed either way.

    But I love this man with more love than I have ever experienced but I cannot cope any longer with the feelings of complete lonliness and the feelings of worthlessness.

    I have tried counselling and have spent many thousands of pounds.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this.

    1. Oh Will. I’m so sorry you feel this way. Feel such pain. I suspect this man you love, loves you back just as much. How would he feel if you left him? I know how I felt when my son killed himself and will be forever scarred. I am not angry with my son, just sorry he didn’t confide in me or trust me with the information that he wanted to die. It is a gift of love to share with that special person what is hurting your soul.

      At the very least if you are not ready to tell, ask your new love for a hug and tell him you will confide later but at that point, you just need that special human contact only he can deliver.

  27. I just want to die my wife hates me i can’t do anything right! My kids would be better off without me in there life I just want it all to end I’m done

    1. Brandon. I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. Why do you think your wife hates you? I hope I have replied to you in time. I hope you are still here. Please tell me more if your are.

  28. I came here looking for more instructions on a foolproof way to hang myself but instead I found more of the same crap advice.. How do you know what it feels like?.. Do you really feel our pain?.. I am going to kill myself as soon as the school holidays start so that I can be sure that I’ll be alone and no1 will find me for at least 5-6 hours.. Why do I want to kill mysel?.. I am extremely depressed and on top of that I am agoraphobic and I haven’t left the house in 4 years.. I am 22 years old with nothing to live for.. No wife, no kids, no job, no higher education.. The only way I can get help is by going outside but my agoraphobia won’t let me.. I’ve tried but I can’t.. I live with my parents and my older sister.. They all she me suffering but no1 cares.. My life right now is a complete blur.. I have chronic insomnia so I barely sleep but when I do it’s only for 1,2 hours at a time.. I can’t keep living like this.. There is no point in me being here since I have lost all hope and have no desire to continue living.. I would love to hear what your advice is on my situation and if it’s more of the “don’t give up and things will get better” nonsense then just leave.. Sorry if I’m being rude but I wasted too much time and money on psychologists and people looking at my life from the outside and telling me they share my pain.. I highly doubt that they do.

    1. Chad thank you for challenging me and do know I am no psychologist. And thank you for commenting, too. I can’t know exactly how it feels to have thoughts of suicide. I can try to stand in your shoes and chew your gum but I may never understand the truly unrelenting pain you feel. Just like my friends will never truly know the pain of losing a child to suicide unless it happens to them which I don’t want to happen. I want to acknowledge having talked to people in active suicidal ideation for the twenty minutes of intensity has helped me see how it really is a brain attack and to learn as much as I can from the outside. I will also say you are 22 and currently not tied to any one romantic relationship so it really is the best time to work on you. You have to love you first and I believe you can because I have seen this transformation by people your age experiencing what you are experiencing.

      At this point, all these things you listed are exacerbating each other and making them worse. I admit to shedding a few tears of my own over your dilemma in an empathetic way because it must be very hard. A magic wand would come in handy but that is not an option.

      Start by telling yourself three things even if you don’t believe them. You are even allowed to scoff at yourself as you say them. Just say them daily.
      #1- I can always kill myself later but I’m not going to do it today
      #2- I can overcome this
      #3- Tell yourself one good thing about yourself every morning.

      At first #3 might be really lame like, “I have great eyebrows.” Just get started with the habit.

      Then write yourself an honest letter why you have not killed yourself before. Leave it alone for a day or two and go back and read it. That will help you get some perspective and later help you see from where you have come.

      Then focus on tackling just one thing first and I would start with the sleep. I struggled with this. Charles struggled with this. It is the crucial and cruel first step to everything you mentioned. My issue was extreme sadness related to traumatic grief from having lost Charles to suicide.

      I heard a video of a researcher say that the biggest obstacle for sleep is overthinking it. Our minds are the culprits when our sleep is disrupted. So I told myself I could sleep and told myself I could do this. Again, blind faith.

      Instead of doing that whole series of video, I
      #1- Read up on sleep hygiene and did everything on the list -
      #2- Then I did an 8-minute meditation on YouTube every night -

      The first night I got more sleep than I had in a while and my attitude improved the more sleep I got.

      I wrote one-two posts for this site during the day and followed that sleep routine for a few weeks until I was getting more rest. As I got more rest, some of my issues went away, I was better able to cope but the fact that my son was gone was still a truth I had to deal with. Although the grief delivered unrelenting pain, I was able to cope better. I tackled sleep first and basically went on blind faith that I would be able to resolve it.

      You are allowed to tell me all this is a joke or that I’m crazy or you’ve done it before. This worked for me to work through this pain and I grew so much by doing it. I believe you can and on some level I think you want things to get better. It starts with you. And I think you are worth it.

      1. Idk how to post my own topic. But you really don’t understand the despair of suicidal thought. I destroyed my life Saturday night after a hard fought second chance five years ago. My youngest hates me because he’s hooked on drugs. My fiancé is leaving me because I’m going to jail now for a long time. Hell its because of her cheating ways and my obsession to catch her doing it that led to my newest and most destructive downfall. I have no choice now. Suicide is the only option sometimes and people like you just think they can save them all. I read the blog where the guy asked you to spend time on the phone. You refused. You could have been his last hope for reaching out. How can you say you care about us like you do when your precious blog time is worth more to you than our souls crying out for someone, anyone to talk to and when they person found your blog and thought here is someone finally, you reject him. It’s rejection plainly. But you don’t see it because your heart can’t possibly truly be in this if you couldn’t give they person five minutes of your time.
        Suicide is sometimes the only way. We didn’t ask to come into this world. We can check out whenever we wish. It’s a courage and it takes great strength to kill yourself. I’m doing it because the future ahead has no light. There is nothing left. I need that magic wand but it doesn’t exist.

        1. You are right. I can’t possibly know the pain of suicidal thinking. I only know the pain of a loss by suicide which is brutal. I didn’t think I would survive it. And I am so sorry about the cheating. That does make human beings do things they would not ordinarily do. Betrayal by those we love is particularly painful.

          By the way, I didn’t have to approve the comment from the guy who asked me to call. But I did because i am Emotionally naked and human. And I can’t handle the volume of requests I get getting through this site and YouTube and I need to find a solution other than the National hotline. I get thousands of requests per month. I answer all of them by writing and spend a lot of time on the phone with parents who have lost children to suicide and I don’t always have the emotional strength at the end of the day. Besides that until last week my voice was just a whisper and speaking was tough due to radiation for a brain tumor. But the voice is back since surgery. I do need to find a solution because one person, me, cannot meet the 24/7 demand of people needing emotional connection

          1. I’m sorry for jumping all over you. You’ve been through the pain. I am in pain too. I just read the comments in the media about me. I am destroyed. My life is over. There is no other alternative for me. I’m scared to do it but more scared about what I face if I do not. There is nothing left for me now. My business is destroyed. My life is destroyed. Why does the sun keep rising ?? It just needs to stay dark out and time needs to stand still.

            1. It’s OK about the anger. When people are in pain, men especially, they are angry and I can understand and respect that. It’s not like you have full control over emotions during a brain attack as serious as suicidal thoughts. My having an expectation that your manners would be perfect would be like me expecting you to jump rope smiling while having a heart attack.

              About the comments in the media. Ouch. I hate how those articles rub salt into an open wound. And the comment about “Why does the sun keep rising?” I have felt that. How can a normal world move forward in the wake of my tragedy? It pinned me to my mattress and I thought the same thing. I have also had the feeling that I wanted to undo my actions. I really wanted to peel back the edges of yesterday for a do over. I do have regrets that I work through. But I have not experienced the whole picture you describe and I can feel your hurt and pain when I read it. I think it’s OK to wallow in that pain and scream at the walls but I’m hoping you don’t kill yourself although I can understand the intensity of that emotion in your situation.

              Tiffany, Charles’ girlfriend, spent time in Rykers. She pretty much had destroyed her life but she has persevered and is out now and has slowly rebuilt it. So sentences do end. In her case, she used that time to get her GED and work on training that they offered. I think our criminal justice system needs a lot of repair. People need care and connection and not to be put on layaway. I know you need that, too.

              About the tumor. It’s toast thanks to radiation which caused other issues. It was benign tumor but since 1999 has wreaked unholy havoc. I’m left with some issues but overall, since my voice is restored, I’m feeling better. Thank you for your kind words.

    2. Chad, I can say I do know that feeling when somebody will say to me, I can only imagine what you’re going through. Oh BS I had a Brain Tumor the size of a softball that went undiagnosed for six years. Took three surgeons sixteen hours to get out. Now I have scaring to the brain. I will have depression, anxiety, anger outbreaks and PTSD for the rest of my life. I have to see a Dr every week. And I ask myself “this is my life, who wants to be me”? I sure in the he double toothpicks don’t. The only thing that keeps me going you would think would be my husband of 34 years. NO! My 3 kids or 2 grandkids. NO! I am a believer as extremely hard as it may by and I’m lousy doing it. I just not want to end up in the oven down below if you get my hit. Dont live for the day I live in the moment. Minute by minute. Hope this helps a bit!

  29. I made another attempt at suicide not too long ago. I’m living with the guilt of it now. In some ways I wish I had passed out sooner so I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to free myself. It’s so hard to die yet so hard to live.

    1. I’m so sorry. In my experience, those with those thoughts feel such shame after and I wish that wasn’t the case. I don’t think you should feel ashamed for something for a brain attack because that’s what it is. It’s like trying to control a heart attack. What courage it took to free yourself. I think you are very brave and trying hard to stay.

      1. i am such a waste of time i have never done anything useful in my
        65 years i have had depression all my life the suicidal thoughts have just got stronger with the passing years i am just waiting for my father(he is 97)to pass when he does i will wait for awhile so my sister doesn’t have 2 funerals to worry about at the same time.i have every thing planned how where why i just don t know when.i wasn’t planning to be still alive now i really wish i wasn’t i couldn’t help myself i told the wrong person what i was going to do as a result i ended up in a mental health ward for 5 weeks

        1. I am so sorry you hurt this much for so long. I see that is wears on you and understand your feelings of worthlessness. That seems to come from the brain attack known as suicidal thinking. And your friend did not betray you but instead is guilty of loving you enough to try and get you help. You are fortunate to have family and friends who live you. Not everyone has that.

        2. I’ve never met you, my only interaction with you is through this comment section, but if I’m sure of anything it’s that you have accomplished more than a person could even imagine in your 65 years, and you don’t realize it. I’m sure you’ve improved countless lives, and gave people the strength that you need to live.
          I hope you spend a lot of time with your father in his final years, and are there for your sister when he passes, and I hope you allow her to be there for you.
          I also regret telling someone how I feel, and when I was in the hospital I felt so trapped. For me it was too much, and it caused a lot of unnecessary stress. That might be what’s happening to you. Maybe you need a little more of a hands off approach, but you should definitely consult a doctor. It’s not a bad thing to ask for help, and I sincerely hope you get better.

  30. Hi anne hope you are ok and your family xxx god bless you hun thank you for your help and advice and support im very very grateful for your help lots of love from debbi and reece x xXx 😘😘😘😘

    1. Debbi it’s so nice to hear from you. And have a name for your sweet son, Reece. Thank you for letting me know you are still here. I know you must be working hard on yourself and I’m delighted. You can let me know how it’s going and you know you are always welcome here even when you feel darkness.

  31. Hi there, my whole life has been bad decision followed by another bad decision. And i am left here facing the consequences. I left an amazing man in my first marriage to pursue my selfish happiness with another man. It turns out this man is an addict. He lies, he decieves, we never have money, he abuses me and when i get the strength to leave he pulls me back in with promises of change…its been 10 yrs of this. I just dont have the strength to keep doing this anymore. I have lost the fight in me, I feel beaten down and all alone, I just want this to end, no more suffering.

    1. Ali. Living with an abusive person would leave you feeling this way. I want you to get away from him. And I am so sorry that the pain has gotten so bad you are looking up ways to die. I hope you find a better optyand don’t give him the satisfaction of your death. He has taken enough from you. And we all have regrets. And we live with them. And then they become books and part of our story. Thank you for the detail. I hope you are with us today. Come back any time. We will reply.

  32. I have lost all hope and am planning on killing myself. I just can’t bear this pain. I am divorced, kids are grown and am completely alone. I fell in love with someone who treated me like a piece of trash and just got turned down for a job— the last thread holding me to living. This has been the story of my life. Now it’s time for me to write my own story.

    1. Oh Michele. That’s so painful and I know you hurt. You sound tired but I hope you will give life another chance. There is no rush to kill yourself now. Please do come back and tell me more. I’m listening.

  33. I just want to die right now. I’m thinking of hanging myself tonight.
    There’s no one who loves me enough. They’ll be so happy without me, they said so.

    1. Oh Singsor I hope no one said something so cruel to you. That’s awful. And I know during those intense periods of suicidal thought you have to be in so much pain. Making it through those episodes does take so much perseverance. I hope you are still with us. Come back at any time and comment. We will answer.

      1. Anne, Im not sure why I wven ask, but is it possible to contact you directly by phone? Im in the worse possible shape anybody could be in…there is no way I can make it…chemically and hormonally Ive been severely damaged from abusing anaboloc steroids….every single facet of my life has been destroyed….its like having the most violent illness nonstop, every single day with no ending. I have no choice but suicide and Im scared…my name is Tyler….Im 44 yrs old….Ive been in this for 3 and half yrs….havent been able to work in that time at all….Family and friends have left and Im a burden on my 71 yt old mother…story is very long….I am hopeless…dont believe in God anymore.

        1. Oh Tyler I am so sorry it’s bad both emotionally and physically. There has to be an answer other than suicide to improve the quality of your life. And just believing that will help. I can’t do phone. I just don’t have the hours in a day any more and I hate to say that. However you can use the contact form.

  34. Hi
    Iam really depressed right now and feel like I just want to end it all. My partner after 18 years wants to leave me I’m only 33 I lost my mum and dad when I was 15 and he took me in. I feel lonely I’m so emotionally attached it is ridiculous, I miss my mum and dad so much but he doesn’t understand me. I do drink a lot when I’m not working and make a fool of myself but Ive got so much anger and sadness in me. When I’m sober honestly everyone says I’m one of the nicest people they have ever met as I think too much. Thanks for listening x

    1. I am so sorry you feel such unbearable pain. Do know that is a feeling and not the truth you want to die. I know you want to end the pain. It really hurts when someone leaves and it does feel like a death. But you did survive your parent’s untimely death. You can survive this. You can come back here and talk about it any time. I will reply. You may talk about the hurt and the pain and that’s ok. Here is a letter Anna wrote to herself when she has thoughts of suicide.

  35. Out of work again. About to be homeless again. Not much family. I guess I’ve been suffering from depression my whole life. It really sucks. I was always a hard worker. And I always wanted a family of my own. Dont really know how to ask for help. Dont even know why I’m writing this lol. I hope I’m happier in my next life. Not much more I can do or take. Sorry. ❤🙁

    1. Help. Please ask for it. So how? You go to someone you trust and you tell them, “I have something very important to tell you and I need you to take me seriously. I am having thoughts of suicide and need your help.” That help might be an overnight stay in a hospital. But if you tell me your city, county and state, I can look up and see if there is a local hotline. You are suffering from an illness and you deserve compassionate treatment. But no matter what you are welcome to talk about your hurt and your pain here without shame. You can tell me more and I will read and respond. I am so sorry about your being out of work. That is devastating and I can understand how that would trigger these thoughts. I am here to listen if you reply.

    2. Hi Jordan,

      I just read your message. I came across this site by accident. I was trying to search how to hang plants to the ceiling and this site popped out and then your note.

      I’m so so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I’m not a professional and maybe I don’t know the right thing to say. But I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I have been in the darkest of places and even though it’s much rarer now that before but I still get there .. I am a single mum of 2 young kids (8 years and 5 years old). And the last 6 years have been the hardest. I have been almost made homeless once in winter 2013 and then somehow pulled through through blood, sweat and tears .. almost loosing my mind on the way with no financial support and no emotional support. I would cry myself to sleep every night and wake up in tears and so exhausted from feeding the baby throughout the night that I could barely get myself out of bed … btw, I don’t get any financial support from kids father I guess that’s my punishment for leaving an abusive relationship and I have been made feel ashamed and guilty of my choice .. anyway, I’m digressing here … I promise you it’s super hard to bring up 2 young kids, provide for them financially, emotionally and spiritually and even harder when you are pouring from an empty cup … but I promise you that there’s a light end of the tunnel .. I started listening to meditation online and doing affirmations – all for free on youtube, it became like a religion for me .. also resumed working out that probably has been the biggest anti-depressant for me … I’m not where I want to be but I’m handling everything and dealing with everything a lot better .. if you ever need to talk, I’m happy for them to give you my email address … start listening to meditation like “how to improve your mindset”, “how to think like successful people think” .. also “motivational speeches” etc … as I said I’m not a professional and I might not be saying the right thing but just sharing with you what helped me … once you feel better yourself maybe you could train to become a coach to help other people … im sending lots of love your way.

  36. First off it takes huge balls to kill self wish I had the curage. I’m not a kid I’m over fifty I have reached out to friends and family and hot lines but they really don’t care hospital baker acted me once one thing I have Hurd is that most people do it to get back at there family but one thing I realize is my family coudn’t care less so the get back for me is useless also phycotropic drugs are useless also unless your a pill head I’m not but I’m hoping to find my balls I hate life and people and pray for the end of time everyday

    1. There is considerable fear of killing oneself for good reason and I am glad so far that instinct of the fear has kept you alive. I am sorry you feel such pain and your family is not supportive. While the myth of suicide being a vindictive move is common, it’s not true. Thank you for taking the time to comment here.

  37. I’m a teen, like your child Charles. I too, also suffer from depression. Unlike him though, my parents doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. They have high expectations of me, and I am struggling to meet them. If I do not meet them, my mother gets angry at me. I don’t see a way out. I self harm. I write scuicide notes. I’ve already planned my scuicide, just in case. It’s like a backup plan to me. What should I do?

    1. I’d iy a cultural thing? This pushing you to succeed by their standards? I am so sorry. I do want you to know that their approach is outdated but they are still in the mindset that their kids are shining examples of how good they are. So I am thinking if you have the opportunity to share your feelings with another, more understanding adult that doesn’t have as much emotionally invested that might be the way to go. I hear this from teens all the time and it’s so disturbing. They have no idea how much is coming at you. They didn’t grow up in that kind of environment so they don’t understand the difference. Where are you located city, state. Maybe I can look up some resources for you to reach out to an organization who could help. Keep coming back. I will answer. Together we can figure out a plan that will work for your situation.

  38. I managed to keep my childbood trauma locked down for many years but it found it’s way out. I’m in therapy, I’m taking meds but I can’t do it anymore. I ended up here looking for my way out. I’m so sorry for your loss, you seem very caring and dedicated to helping others. I’ve tried but I’m a mistake I shouldn’t be here. I’m broken I just need it to end. I’m sorry.

    1. Kate your brain is lying to you. I am so sorry it is making you think that and feeling such pain. I hope you have not ended your life and you wake up today. The work you are doing for yourself is very hard. Come back here anytime to leave a comment. I am listening.

      1. You are very kind. I haven’t worked out my specifics all the way so I’m still here. I appreciate your reply. I dont see how anything will change and I simply can’t keep doing this. I’m beyond repair.

        1. I can tell you have reached a difficult place. The work you are doing is exceptionally painful and it sounds like it has triggered you. You sound overwhelmed and I’m so sorry you suffered such trauma. It’s inexcusable you were mistreated.

          But on the other hand I’m amazed you decided to tackle it and face it and I can’t help but be inspired by your courage not only to face the trauma but to come here and comment and have the thoughtfulness to come back and let me know you are still here. Have you called your therapist?

          Feel free to tell as much or as little of your story as you are comfortable. I’m listening.

          1. I don’t know about thoughtful but I wouldn’t want to add to anyone’s load. I have talked some with my therapist but I’m aware of her professional duty as well so I haven’t shared everything.

            I wake up and wish I hadn’t. I don’t want to breathe. It’s constant.
            I can’t think of a time I’ve ever felt this bad and I can’t remember who I was when I didn’t…doesn’t leave much.

            1. Wow Kate. Your endurance is remarkable to be able to withstand all that. I am going to be frank with you. If I were your therapist, I would want you to share all that with me. I can put our conversation on a page you can download and print and share with your therapist so you don’t have to say all of it. I can even email it to him/her. I have your email in the administration panel (no one else can see it). Can I send it to you to share? I think they can help you find relief from all this pain.

              You have shown amazing courage just by commenting here. It’s just one more step. I assure you they would be grateful to you if you did share this. You are welcome to keep coming here. I am listening

              1. Thank you for your willingness to listen and engage, it has meant something to me. I have no desire to be a burden, add to your hurt.

                I’ve been treading water for awhile, trying, doing the work. I live with someone, I have family etc. but I dont have anyone. I’ve always presented what people want to see/be around, I’m the responsible, helpful, funny one. I’m solid. No one will see it coming. I’m a fraud who’s not able to go along with the con anymore.

                No one knows it’s not that I don’t like myself, I despise myself. Blame, disgust, shame is my core and I can feel it every moment. It’s overwhelming.

                At worst I want to wipe my existence from this planet, every last bit of it. At best I want to die. I have nothing, I bring nothing, I offer nothing. Every breath tells me this.

                1. That’s what suicidal thinking does to you. It’s your brain lying to you and convincing you that you are worthless. And don’t worry about adding to my pain this is good for me too. I made a pledge to let others know they matter. That’s my son’s legacy and it feels good to carry it forward.

                  I think you have hit a spot in your recovery process from the trauma that is probably your worst. I think if you can persevere through this part, it will improve. At least that’s my take from reading your comments. I think you are a delightful person. And empathetic. We can’t afford our empathetic people to die. We need you. Think of how bad it would be with just those who care about themselves.

                  But I hope you work with your therapist on this suicidal piece and I think havjbgb someone to help you work through this part would give you tools for moving forward towards some light. Your thoughts are the result of trauma during key brain development years. But that does not mean you cannot thrive again. I am so sorry this is so painful and it’s so pervasive. You are so strong to be fighting it. But I think there are times we all need help. I had a hard time asking for it but I did do that. And it made a difference in my life and I got to make this site and meet the most magnificent people ever. If it won’t let you reply, start a new thread. I am still here for you.

                  1. I appreciate your support, especially considering we’ve never met and you only know me from some online posts. I wish I felt worthy of it. I told myself I would try, but I’m about empty. Continuing is stalling the inevitable,

                    Thanks for what you do, your willingness to share so much certainly honors your son’s life in an important way.

                    1. You told yourself you would try and that’s a start. It is. And as talented and funny as Charles was, his greatest gift was letting others know they matter which is the legacy I carry forward after his death. You just did that for me in your comment. It fills me with such hope. Thank you. And death happens to us all. Keep fighting. You have just shown how worthy you are. It would be an honor for your therapist to help you. I feel sure of that.

  39. I’m on my last leg. I’m 30/ single and just graduated from university with a 4yr graphic design degree last January. This degree hasn’t given me crap except for crappy $9 hr jobs as janitors, grocery clerk, etc. I can’t even afford 3meals a day. I live out of my car. My parents are divorced and involved with their lifestyles/ spouses. I’m disgusted with what money has done to my family (and the world). I’m HIV pos because I dated an asshole and ran with a bad crowd. My family treats me like I’m garbage. Maybe I am. They use Catholic religion to gain superiority and they are the biggest hypocrites. It’s so toxic to be around. Everything about my family is so phony. Anyway, I quit my janitor job because management started a “paper trail.” Now I’m being targeted at my other job. That or I’m just paranoid/ schizophrenic like my sister says behind my back then gaslights/ indenial when confronted. My family does this always playing victim and casting out a scapegoat. People at my work treat me like I’m incapable, like a joke, etc. The job(s) are degrading and I’m capable of so much, but managers choose to play favorites. That’s all life is…a big competition and favoritism. I’m over it and I’ve lost. I’m part the system ruled by corporation. They don’t care they eat their steaks for dinner in nice homes. I’m living in a car sleeping in parking lots. Can’t afford hiv meds. Why bother? Maybe aids is a hoax and government control. If it’s real why bother paying these greedy medical corporations while I get broke. I don’t even want to be alive. Can’t find a job anywhere in my situation makes it tough. Thought about transferring through current job to another state, but what good will that do? I’ll just be in the same shitty situation. Trying to save money for an apartment, but at $9 an hour / 22hrs a week…that will take a good while. I’ve thought about hanging myself. Isn’t the first I’ve had these thoughts. After my parents remarried to my stepparents I tried running away. Stole my dad’s car at 15 and got in a bad accident( no one else involved). The whole car flipped in a ditch on a construction road. Went to therapeutic facilities and strict therapeutic boarding schools (that burned to the ground due to corruption…yes literally burned) for several years. I was in therapy years prior due to learning disability, adhd, etc. These conditions effect my adult life and I’m treated as an infidel. I’m so far from it I feel like I have to dumb myself down otherwise my “intelligence” is just privilege or entitlement. This life is a shit show at least through my eyes. I laugh about it. Sometimes I’ll have outbursts of screams/ cries in my car at night when I’m alive. I just tell myself, “I’m soul needs to rest.” I had an out of body experience a while back so I believe in afterlife. Not in the heaven/ hell Catholic and Christian dogma. I’ve had an out of body experience before. Saw myself in bed. My room had this desaturated and greenish/ gray appearance. The walls sort of sparkled or twinkled. There was a huge orb of white light floating in the room that had a very powerful presence. I floated towards the door and woke up. That’s all I remember. I think I was on an astral plane …my surroundings felt so mystical and surreal. It was calming and a nice break from what I was going through in the physical world (dealing with meth use and abusive boyfriend.) I so want to go back to that place (the astral plane) I felt so calm not depressed there. I wonder what would of happened if I floated into the light. I could go on and on. I’ve made mistakes clearly, but I’ve accomplished some things too. However, I always end up in a shit situation…and alone. My abusive ex said I’ll always be alone. Family have warned me of a lonely life. Maybe I’ve done something wrong in this life. Also, why can’t death just be beautiful? Like what is so wrong in leaving the misery / superficiality of this physical realm? I drive around thinking what the point of all this is? Everything is so commercialized, about money, and consumerism. We are so enslaved. It’s soul less. People at my job hope others get fired..that means more hrs for someone else , most likely a more favored employee. What a cold world. I’ve been scapegoated my whole life. The 1800 lines don’t work. I just get told “you need professional help,” something I’ve heard my whole life by family. I’ve been seeking “professional help” since 5. The medical / health industry banks off of me, yet I’m still scarred (sometimes even more by the therapy.) If I killed myself, my family would immediately think it was drug related. Then once they learn that would not be the case, they’d say, “why did he do that to us! So selfish!” Everything is about them and their feelings. Sickens me to no end.

    1. Oh man JP, this is a lot and you are so young still. I’m really sorry about all this and it’s not small feat you are still with us. Interesting about the astral light. I think that sort of “meditation” (for lack of a more suitable phrase) is not unhealthy way to give your brain a break. You are onto something there that is unlikely to harm you. I’m also sorry about the 800 numbers. I also did seek professional help and what worked for me was a support group and change in attitude which took a while with lots of relapses.

      So are you using/addicted to meth? Or someone else is? Not that I am judging you at all. I’m just trying to get a picture of your situation. Graphic design is a tough industry. I was in advertising but on the writing side (a copywriter). It was a brutal business but I will say I developed a lot of resilience from being in agencies.

      What one thing would you want to do first to get yourself out of all this? Because I think you can. Damn, you are tough as nails if you have survived all this. Most would have thoughts of suicide in this situation. I do want you to rise out of all this so you can look back and tell that story. I am pulling for you. Thank you for taking the time to write all that detail to help me understand your situation. I’m honored you did.

      1. Thanks for replying. I’m no longer using drugs. I stopped in summer of 2013 after splitting with ex. I think I started in 2011. I can’t remember. I started using with my ex so I wouldn’t get cheated on, but that was really dumb mentality. I’ve grown a lot since then. Even went back to finish my degree. Had a blast at university. Didn’t party and was just a big nerd. Loved it. But now that I’m on my own it’s tough. I didn’t mean to ramble on like that its just I’ve got a lot on my chest, lots of family dysfunction, very divided much like the current world, I’m estranged from family. I’m a fuck up in the family. Didn’t get married and have kids, 30 yrs old and don’t own a home , my car is my home, don’t have a career in what I wanted, etc. My family are very conservative, christian based, very superficial and judgemental. I gave up trying to meet their standards. If my job fires me I think I will travel outside the USA with what little I have and enjoy my last days. This is seriously a plan B fantasy for me. I’m sick, but at least I’m aware.

        1. You have found recovery from meth addiction and graduated college. And you have survived the rigidity of the religious upbringing . I know the type by the way. They veil their prejudice in religion and somehow they think their faith allows them to pass judgment on others. Very stifling.

          So to me, you don’t sound like the fuck up, you sound like a courageous person with good personal values who is empathetic, intelligent and creative. I am glad you have told me all that you have because it gives me perspective. It may be earlier you were experiencing suicidal ideation and writing is a great way to bridge yourself to the other side of those episodes so please know you can always come back here and comment.

          But think about this if you would. You are looking at your life through their lens and not your own. Who says raising a family and owning a home is the only way to define success. It’s not really. So do give yourself credit accomplishing what many have never been able to do. I am amazed actually.

  40. Honestly this evening I truly felt ready to take my own life. I’ve been to psychologists and counseling, I’m medicated and my doctor is amazing. Sadly none of that makes this any easier. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was little I am now almost twenty and after ten years don’t feel I can go on. But I feel so guilty for this darkness inside me. I hate that this is who I am and that it costs money for me to get the help I need. After high school I took a gap year to get everything on track I got so bad I didn’t leave the house for six months. I feel like a disappointment to my family and myself I don’t know how to go on. I’m so sorry for your loss and I don’t want to hurt my family but I can’t live like this I don’t even feel like a person anymore.

    1. Porter. First let me say I appreciate your efforts to help yourself and for your condoabout the loss of my son. By any chance do you keep a journal? In other words do you write? I am wondering if you do write if you see any patterns in how and when these thoughts are prevalent. That helps me manage my grief and by writing about it, it somehow loses its power over me.

      And secondly are you part of a group? I found it helpful to be part of a support group.

      I am sorry these thoughts are so pervasive. What I have found is that people like you who suffer always seem to have a very special gift that goes with the awful. I am wondering what yours is and if you recognize it. Thank you for commenting and helping the rest of us understand thoughts of suicide. I can’t help but hope you will keep trying until you find something that works for you.

      1. I sing, paint and play guitar and ukulele. I do keep a journal and the thoughts are constant sadly the only pattern is they get worse in the evening. Thank you for your kind words and this place to be open with our thoughts.

        1. Wow. So you are musically gifted. I’m not surprised.

          Night time was when it was worse for Charles, too. And I hear that a lot. I do wonder if there are any good strategies for that. Do you think they are worse then because the rest of the day you are distracted? Or is it that depression makes it hard to fall asleep?

          And you are welcome. I am just sorry you are plagued with it. It’s not fair. Feel free to share a few sentences of your writing here, or even a song if you’ve written any.

    2. Porter, I’ve just read your dated post. I found myself trawling through sites looking for answers for myself but somehow your post out of all the ones I read stuck out in my mind. I can’t offer advise to you only that someone who could grab my attention with a post like yours is surely a life worth living. You clearly do a lot of thinking by yourself so think about what you would like to do and not what you feel is the only option. Your words have talked me out of something similar after reading btw

        1. I never comment on anything I read but something about that post really moved me. Long story short. I tried to kill myself earlier this year and my brother stopped me so don’t think I’m a attention seeker or anything. I’m older than a lot of people on these pages so I should know better but there is no age limit for depression and anxiety. Sometimes you just need to talk and sometimes it needs to be someone you don’t know x

          1. Ironically my son walked in on someone trying to kill himself about two years before he completed his suicide. That young man wrote me after Charles died and told me how grateful he was to be alive. And thank God for your brother, Wily. I’m so glad he stopped you.

            Suicidal thoughts are not for “attention” in most cases but a change in brain chemistry and the result of a disease like depression. I consider it a brain attack.

            When I started this blog, I think it was because I needed to talk to strangers sometimes instead of family and friends, too.

  41. For the last 2 years I have had thoughts of ending my life when times have gotten tough in my life. Last year I was going to college from 9 till 5 every day doing a course that I hated and then working Friday evening and all day Saturday and Sunday while every evening having to revise for exams. This left me no spare time to hang out with friends and I came very anti social and didn’t speak to anyone in any of my classes and with my parents being strict I was not allowed my Xbox with was my only escape of from reality and ment I didn’t get to talk to my friends that’s often. I sit up all night nearly every night thinking about ending my life as I fell I have nothing to live for as I only seem to make things worse for the people around me and feel that if I was gone my family would have a much better life with out me as I my Mum is always shouting at me about college and getting a job and then my parents constantly arguing with each other about me and that resulting my sister also getting shouted at. I don’t want to die but it seems like the only way to get rid of this feeling I constantly have, faking how I really feel all the time. This is why I am worried about telling people close to me about how I fell as I think that they won’t really care.

    1. Kasey – I’m so sorry things are not going well for you right now and you are feeling such pain. If you are not feeling your family is in the right place to tell, I encourage you to tell someone else. A college counselor? A teacher? A minister?

      College is a tough transition. A lot of students tell me that and I had a very tough time adjusting. I want you to know things can get better and I don’t think you or your situation is permanent. You’ve told me here and that’s a first step. Thank you for posting because I took a lot of courage. You are welcome to come back and continue this conversation. Let me know where you are in college. I might be able to see if they have resources if they are in the U.S.

  42. I can’t even get the help I need. There is no place around here that will help me out right now. It sucks. I went to a crisis center and they didn’t even ask me to say what’s going on just a few formality questions and then home I go. I can’t help but shake these feelings. I can have moments of happiness and then it’s back to wanting to take a belt or take a few pills. It sucks. I don’t if O have the courage right now but I can’t keep but thinking of different methods and dying. I like coming here and commenting on here because I know I can get support almost immediately. It just sucks it has to be this way

    1. Oh my gosh you are kidding me. How can people in a crisis center treat you that way? It makes me hurt to think about how much courage it took to go there and then to get that kind of treatment. Unbelievable. I am so sorry. And we will always answer here unless I am in the hospital unconscious. I am sorry you struggle with these thoughts. Feel free to tell me more and share here.

      1. It was awful I had spent the last two days just contemplating suicide almost nonstop. I don’t know what I was supposed to do sit there and cry and mope. I don’t do that. It frustrated me. I’m actually doing a little better but still hurting. I have nowhere to turn to sometimes it feels like

        1. I have not stopped thinking about how you were treated. It is absolutely awful. We suicide prevention advocates are always asking people to reach out for help and you did and you were treated so terribly. But Eric, as awful as it has been, you are still here. Think about how much strength that took to endure those awful thoughts.

          Typically, most suicidal thoughts last around twenty to thirty minutes with one or two really intense peaks that are really hard to push through. If you know the pattern of yours it can help you work through them.

          There is a crisis text line 741-741 if the intense feelings come back before you are able to find resources. It should not be this hard but I admire that you are trying and you came back.

          Are you being treated for depression? That is often the cause of suicidal thoughts. Where are you located? Maybe I can see if there are any other resources where you are.

  43. Hi,

    I was browsing through how to hang yourself. I found this website. I’m unhappy and didn’t want to burden anyone by talking about my feelings. I am struggling with myself right now. I want to die because I feel hopeless because I never feel I fit in anywhere. I don’t have anyone to talk to except for one friend I trust 100% but don’t want to bother her. She’s the only one I feel comfortable to be with but I can’t rely on her as she have her own life. I don’t know where to go and I just want to end my life to end my pain. I don’t want to die but I can’t bear the pain I’m feeling. Im in wrong place, nothing goes right, dead end, etc… it’s just too much for me because I’ve been doing everything by myself all my life and I am craving for company and good times. I was happy with my friend during trips. It’s me who doesn’t make anything easy. I avoid people because I feel so uncomfortable around them. I wish I’m not like that. It’s too painful. I am very sensitive to people’s energies. It’s so frustrating. I’m a tormented soul! I don’t know how to ask for help because I don’t want to burden anyone.

    1. Please tell that friend of yours. Please. She would be crushed if you took your life and never told her how you felt. Like me, she would not “get over it.” You are such a deep feeler. I feel it. Things can improve. But you have to let that friend know. She can listen and help you get help. She cannot fix it. But there are people who can help. I am here to listen. Don’t hesitate to come back and let it all out here. Someone always answers here. I couldn’t save my own child but maybe I can help you.

  44. I’m at the end of my rope. Long story short I’m 50 and up until 6 months ago was a happy husband and father of 2 boys. We decided to have a house built and put ours up for sale. (Why I can’t explain) My wife went along with it knowing it wasn’t a good idea. Then she had a panic attack and cancelled the contract on our new house. Meanwhile our house had already sold. We stayed with my parents for a couple of months while we looked for a new house. Meanwhile, my wife and I slipped into deaper and deaper depression until she was no longer able to work and gave up her 75k job. We ended up buying a house we can’t afford. (I though she would return to work after her FMLA) My wife is in such a depression and so am
    I. I am working but have anxiety and depression making it difficult. I think about hanging myself 24-7 because of the guilt I feel for having the idea to sell our house. Who sells a paid off house at 50 with money in the bank and kids ready for college. We had a perfect
    Life and I ruined it and my family is suffering. I know killing myself would make their lives worse but I can’t take the lack of joy I have not felt in 6 months. My parents are helping us out but wife always handled the bills and school stuff. I am
    Overwhelmed and can’t take much more. Seeing people enjoying life is killing me. Please tell me life gets better.

    1. Marvin. First, thank you so much for commenting and at least getting your story written out. I think if you can get up in the morning and tell yourself it will get better it can. After Charles killed himself, I got up every morning and thought of ONE THING I was grateful for. I didn’t think I could survive. But I have and I have moments of intense joy. I have found you appreciate life more when you have to endure something tragic which you are experiencing now.

      I am so sorry you are going through all this. I have made decisions I realize are a huge mistake later on. I promise there is a way to find your way back to life again. You have actually take the first step even if you don’t know it and that’s writing this comment. Do come back and let’s continue the conversation.

        1. It does compare in an odd way in terms of it feeling like a monumental thing happened that has too many steps to get through. I have felt that but I don’t suffer from depression so in me, it does not trigger thoughts of suicide. So your chemical imbalance in your brain is making this harder for you. I think those who suffer from depression are the strongest people I know. It’s that much more of a challenge to get your head in a place that doesn’t trigger a spiral downward. You are already fighting for yourself which takes a lot of energy.

          I think you start with you and just getting yourself grounded. Some people use the “name what you’re grateful for”, others decide on a support group, my husband takes the dog in the woods by the river for long walks, I write like a madwoman, Michael who is a frequent commenter on this site relies on scripture and his faith, Still others here talk to a friend. But the thing is to get yourself out of the mindset it’s too much and can’t be fixed and that requires adopting some kind of coping skill like those above.

          Once you feel you have cleared some cobwebs out of your head, do you have anyone you can talk to a friend or colleague about your financial options? In other words, you may have to consider moving again as one option (we had to do this at one point.) In my case, I basically write out my options and then write pros and cons under each one and sleep on it.

          You can do this. Just know there will be difficulty and roadblocks along the way to finding the right solution. Set your expectation that you will work through them.

          Does that help? I know that feeling of despair is very difficult to work through. And I don’t minimize at all what you are going through. Due to our culture, men do not seek or get as much emotional support as they need which needs to change. Take just one step to get started.

          Thank you for coming back. Thank you for commenting, Marvin. Feel free to come back.

  45. I spent several years while at a high academic pressure university struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. In particular, there was one stretch of my walk between my dorm and class that was particularly hazardous to my frame of mind. I can still feel the pull of just ending it all, no more responsibility, no more blame, no more shame.
    I made it through by finding the tiny victories, making it back to the dorm one more time, walking down the “other” side of the sidewalk, basically managing to say “not today” or even sometimes “not right now”.
    I kept crawling, failing, crawling some more, failing some more. Over and over. Looking for something, anything that helped, even a little. Writing out the feelings (even if nobody saw them), talking to someone (professional or amateur), drugs (prescription and self-medicating), trying meditation, looking for poetry/music/art/literature that helped express my feelings, finding ways of meeting and being with people. Sometimes the attempts helped, sometimes they hurt (make sure you have “adult” company for the self-medication), most were a mixture. Some of what helped the most – hurt most to start.
    Slowly, oh so very f*ing slowly, the venting helped, the pressure eased and the context, understanding and yes, even control started to seep in.
    This was over forty years ago. I have had an “interesting” life. I would not like to repeat some sections of it, but I am who and what I am because of what I have gone through. It is possible to get through.

    1. Tears rolling down my face as I read this Mike. It’s so beautiful. May I use this as a blog post?

      What perseverance and creativity you had to save yourself, to save us from losing you and what you could bring to the world to make it a better place. This is truly inspiring. Thank you for commenting.

  46. Anne I’m scared of myself. I keep having thoughts of suicide. I have already attempted multiple times in the last few years. I always have for weeks where I always find a way out but eventually I just can’t fight anymore. I don’t want to get to this point. I talk to the hotlines but they don’t help and I’m afraid to talk to people close to me.

    1. I understand how tough it is to open up to someone and tell them the deepest darkest thing in your soul. I know that’s not easy. It has to feel so scary.

      And thoughts of suicide would have to be very frightening. It is like your brain is turning against you. Charles expressed in his music how terrifying those thoughts were even afterwards.

      A friend of mine with bipolar runs a support group. Her name is Tammy and she has posts on this site. She has felt suicidal but that support group has helped her. She is always telling me about the coping strategies she has invented for herself. Think of it this way, if you were having a heart attack, would you not or would someone else call for help? Sure they would. Suicidal thinking is a brain attack and the brain is a major organ. So why is that different? I think you can get to a place where you manage it but need help getting to that point.

      You could tell a therapist. You could write a note to someone you trust instead of telling someone face to face. I wrote this guide and it says teens but it could work for anyone.

      You’ve called the hotline. And that’s a great first step. You told someone. I hope you take that next step Eric. You are welcome to keep posting here and commenting. I read all of them

      1. It’s getting harder and harder to keep going. I spent most of last night just talking myself out of another attempt. Dying seems like the only escape.

        1. I am honored you trust us enough and have the courage to come back and talk to us. I know it feels crushing. I want you to also know that feeling has a time limit. The intensity that is. So if you can withstand that really intense part and know the pain is will end without you ending your life then that is progress. What I am saying is that intense part is temporary and the trick is to realize that so you can stay with us. You have guts and a will to live if you are telling us how you feel and posting here. I so admire your courage.

          1. I guess what’s bothering me is I don’t have anything specific that I can think makes me want to kill myself yet my brain says die

            1. That’s why I call it a brain attack. Most of the time when people experience these “brain attacks” they are very intense and make you think that there is only one way to end the pain. Scientists have not discovered why that is but those who suffer from them typically suffer from depression, bipolar or some other mental illness. So most the time it’s important to find a medication that works and also work with a therapist or support group to develop coping strategies that you can use during those times when those thoughts hit. And sometimes medication and therapy can minimize them or make them go away. That’s is not something most of us can do on our own any more that we could fix our heart during a heart attack all by ourselves.

              I have learned more about suicidal thinking from people like you who have been thoughtful enough to post here. And from my son’s music lyrics. And then from talking to hundreds who feel as you do. The good news is it can be managed. And if you want help figuring out your next step I am glad to help you figure that out. Thank you again for coming back and leaving your comments.

    2. I’m scared of myself too. In my darkest moments, I feel like my greatest enemy, and my only friend. Talking to hotlines hasn’t helped me either, but talking to Anne, and other people I know has helped, even if it is absolutely terrifying. I hope you will talk to someone if you haven’t already. Even writing this I’m petrified, but I want you to get better Eric.

  47. Powerful, powerful posts here… I found this page by a search as well. I am not near as eloquent or poetic or as expressive as what I have seen posted here… my heart goes out

    Tired of struggling. Fifty years old, think I put in my time. Made more than my fair share of mistakes. Lost more than my fair share of everything that’s good in life.

    I am not a victim. Where I am is, ultimately, where I chose to be. Just wish I had chosen better.

      1. How long am I supposed to hang on? How many more times do I have to hear “we just got to find the right medication for you”? Why is abortion legal but suicide isn’t, unless your sick and dead anyway? Why would I open up to anyone ever again when I know it only makes people like you feel better?

        1. I understand your frustration Chase. I wish I could make your suffering vanish for you. I wish I could have done that for my son. But I can listen. And I am listening to you. And I am sorry you deal with these thoughts and wonder why someone’s brain is wired to turn against the person it is supposed to protect. What I have found is that it seems to come with talent and gifts that the rest of us don’t have. And if you leave you Yale all that with you. There is only one you and I do hope you find relief so you can live with us on this earth.

  48. I’m going to kill myself tonight. Let this be my final scream for someone to hear.

    Nothing works. I’ve been hospitalized, I’m on medication, and therapy. Not a single thing has made me feel better, and if it has it’s only for moment, and it quickly fades.

    I’m a failure in every aspect. I failed at school. I fail in social situations. I’m just such a stupid person. I barely have common sense.

    It’s such a cruel fate. The entire deck is stacked against me, yet everyone still expects me to win. It’s so frustrating. Why would I want to play a game that I’ve already lost? Why would I fight a battle that I’ve already lost?

    I don’t have to be a failure anymore.
    People can just pretend that I was never born, and live better lives without the terrible souvenir that I bring in my presence.

    Sometimes when I just look at myself, and feel myself moving I just want to die. Being in my own body just feels like a curse.

    You probably don’t remember me Anne, but I was at your YMCA presentation in may this year. I was wearing a black and grey striped hoody, and I was with my mom. Your presentation was tearful, and made me really care about Charles. I don’t want you, nor anyone else to feel guilty about my death. No one should care about me.

    Honestly if I was just more willing to do things I wouldn’t be in this situation, but I was too stubborn, and now I’m left with no other option.

    It doesn’t matter anymore.
    It never mattered to anyone.
    It doesn’t have to hurt.
    Even if it won’t feel good at least it doesn’t have to hurt.

    To the gods, it’s amusing to see someone try so hard, and fail.

    P.S. After writing this I feel a little better. Good enough where I don’t think I’ll carry out my plan, but this feeling will surely return. They have a way of taunting me like that. As soon as I think I’m better they come back stronger.

    1. Ben – Will you reach out to me? Just to talk. I will listen. I remember you. Thank you so so so much for writing this. And letting me know which one you are. If you use the contact form, I can give you my phone number. I want to listen to you. I want to hear you. I can meet you today if you want. While this is sad, it’s also beautiful. And so emotionally naked. Thank you for your vulnerability and for posting.

      By the way, you hit on something here. A coping strategy of writing your feelings seemed to help. It’s not THE solution but writing helps me. It helped Charles. And I think it helps you, too.

    2. Ben, remember this… I wish I could’ve told my son this. … no feeling is ever final.
      I guarantee no one would just forget you, and many lives would be damaged greatly. It might be a slow process but you can get better! Please take Anne Moss up on her offer to listen. And keep writing. It makes you feel better. Write every day.

    1. I don’t know what to do. Reaching out to strangers makes me feel even worse, but I have no one else, how pathetic is that? I am scared of how incredibly calm I feel. Friday is the day I have set aside & I feel…peaceful. I do not want to die, I just want the pain & noise to stop. i have battled this so long. I’m tired in my bones. Hospitalization is not an option, it will only make things worse. I just need someone to hold me & let me cry, but no matter how many times I reach out, no one is there to grab my hand. I am just so tired.

      1. I am sure Shannon will also answer you. I absolutely ache that I cannot offer you that human touch and a hug right now. So many times I needed that too. Please do call a stranger. Please dig deep. Please at least find a support group. And if you tell me your area, we can help you find one. Sending you a virtual hug although I know it’s not the same. Keep talking to us! I know you don’t want to die. Let’s work on this together.

      2. Same here. I have no further interest in hearing “hang in there” or “it gets better”.

        It doesn’t. This world is utterly disgusting and I am totally over it.


        I can’t fix this and I can’t take the false hope rollercoaster anymore.

        I literally can’t wait to die.

        It’s so true eh? How far must we be expected to reach before we finally run out of arm length to do so? Nobody cares. Nobody helps.

        Depression is a for-profit business. I am tired of making people wealthy while my poverty never ends. I am tired of not fitting in. I am extremely tired of being intelligent and my god I am exhausted from having compassion. Caring about anything in an uncaring world is so incredibly redundant. Truly it is. What an absolute waste that all turned out to be.

        I… a complete failure. Yes, I am. It is important that this is not downplayed either. For the amount of lies that I have been told, my own honesty is refreshing. There is no area of my life that isn’t horrible. Not a single one.

        I am sorry for your experience. So sorry. I am sorry that this is a reality for so many people, myself included.

        I am especially sorry that the truth is, “hope” is only realistic for those of privilege. It is not on the docket for anyone else.

        I have to go now. As useless as this is, I care about you. Unfortunately, I am in no position at all to offer tangible assistance as I am a complete train wreck myself.

        I am just sorry for everything that you are feeling. This world is a joke.

        1. You are clearly intelligent and eloquent. I can see that in your writing. Yet you are going to take all that bold honesty with you? I honestly think you could write your way out of this like I’ve written my way through grief. I’m not saying it ever will go away. But I’ve learned to live with it.

          I do care. I can’t help it. I just do. What I hate most is people with talent and gifts and feeling such pain and taking their gifts to an early grave. I’m truly sorry for your pain. But honestly, what I really want is for you to write. And keep writing. Life sucks sometimes. And if you get stuck on the “life is so awful” track, it will drag you down. Please take that first step and help us help you which is helping yourself first but allowing us to do so. I’m powerless on what your next move is. But I think there is a reason you left this comment. That gives me hope.

    1. Oh my God Dylan what happened to your family. You must be devastated. Obviously you are. Please tell me what happened and how you feel. I remember those first days after Charles’ suicide. I felt like I was living someone else’s nightmare and I was walking through quicksand. It was so emotionally devastating. Please tell me what happened.

  49. Thank you for your site. I was actually looking to hang model airplanes, but google offered me this option. I was curious because many years ago I was in danger of taking my life. It was tough so wanted to see what your site has to offer. Google gave wY that this was not actually how to hang yourself.

    It is very touchy to me that this exists. I think when I was in trouble I did feel alone and in tremendous pain, which it seems your son was in. Looking back I am of course glad that stuck around even though there has been pain since. I’m not sure what will help people survive such feelings, but I think having a supportive community resource like this one means a lot.

    I’m sorry for your loss and moved that you created the site.

    All my best,

    1. Cameron- Your comment is so essential in terms of offering hope. I am so glad you decided to take a look and take the time to make a comment. It is disturbing that people can look this up. I figured I should rank so I might be able to offer hope. I am thankful you are still with us and that you are glad you stuck around. And even better you are doing well. My son took his life during withdrawal from heroin. Thank you.

      1. I had my beautiful girl amber-rose stolen from me almost 4 months ago, she was only 16 years old, and was murdered, I can’t live with out her, I don’t want a life without her, I attempted suicide and was unfortunately found and revived, all I can think about is being with her, she’s my soul, I don’t want to live without her, every day is a day away from her and it’s living torture, I can’t do this

        1. Lisa. I lost my son to suicide. I know what you are going through. It is so devastating. If you are gone from this earth, how will you keep her memory alive? Please tell me about her.

  50. I have never done anything like this before and i am petrified of life. My marriage has broken down after 20 years and I cant see myself going on. I have put off doing anything yet as I have my son with me and he would be left alone as I am in a different country away from family. I have been putting on a front where people think i am doing ok but when I am behind closed doors the feeling of giving up is so strong. I have researched all sorts of ways and now realise hanging will be the best way to go. My husband has moved on and I have literraly been left with nothing I need to build my life back up from scratch and he doesnt seem to care of the consequences he hs caused. I will wait until my son has family around him. My family all care for me but that is not enough I dont want to live the rest of my life. I have wrote my letters to my husband so he can understand the pain and hurt he has caused. I have tried to tell him but he just says everything will be ok and I am strong and will get through this. I am the complete opposite. Once I am back in my own country and dont think it will be long before I go. But I just wanted to tell someone

    1. I am so honored you posted a comment here–that you trusted I’d care. And I do.

      First of all, you have my empathy. No support system, end of your marriage has come crashing down on you all at once. That’s a lot of emotional pain. On top of that, you are facing that feeling of starting from scratch. I have felt that, too. After my son died. That “where do I do from here and where do I start” feeling. Also that feeling that no one cares. All of that is so overwhelming. I just picked one thing to start with ultimately and built on that little by little. And over time I realized how many really did care.

      I understand “putting on a front.” I have done that, too. We think showing that vulnerable side of ourselves means we are weak when in fact, it takes incredible courage to ask for help. It is very hard for me to do that but have done that. And I do it now. My only regret is that I did not do it sooner.

      I hope you will honor someone else by telling them how you really feel. Someone you can trust. And if you don’t know of anyone, I hope you will call the Samaritans (I see you are in the UK). 116 123 (UK) or 116 123 (ROI)

      I will tell you this. Your son would never “get over it.” He will feel that loss for the rest of his life and wonder what he did wrong even though this has nothing to do with him. Most who have been where you are now, are so glad they made that call and asked for help. But I welcome you to keep replying to this comment and tell me more. I’m listening

    2. The same is happening to me. After 11 years of marriage, my husband does not want to be with me. I have two kids and I am trying to stay alive for them, but I feel so bad that I do not think I can make it.

      1. Oh Jenn, a separation and divorce is so difficult. I’m so sorry. I’m also so sorry you feel so badly you want to kill yourself. When a tragedy happens, like a divorce, it’s so awful at first. I remember how bad I felt that first few months after my son died by suicide. I could barely function. But every day got a little easier. Until I felt like others needed me. I am so hoping you stick with us. Your kids will never “get over” the suicide of their mother. You are much too important.

        Please feel free to keep talking. Keep posting. I’ll do whatever I can to help you feel supported.

        If you let me know your city and state, I’ll see if I can find a local hotline number. Sometimes they are better to help you through difficult times. I’m here. I’m honored you felt this was a safe place to post your darkest feelings.

  51. hi i suppose writing because i am now finding myself in a constantly in tolerable state of fear and emotional turmoil and have come to feel that through death i hope that i may come to find salvation from this daily excessive worry.Mine is a pathetic tale as i am a 52 yaer old male that never did learn how to survive in this world.I have always had a depression and fear since childhood derived from watching my father die a slow painful death due to a lung disease and I also suffer from social anxiety and due to these factors i havent worked for over 25 years.I have lived with my mother at the same location since birth. I have 2 siblings a sister 9 years older and a brother 8 years younger that never considered that i suffer from these conditions and although i have contributed greatly over the years in the maintenance and care of my mothers house they naturally think very little of me as do I as i never could get it together in regards to my future and lived in denial at home.During thae coarse of the last 10 yearsmy mother had gone through jaw and breast cancer and was in the relatively early stages of lung cancer when i unknowingly contracted phemionia and regrettably passed it to her resulting in her premature passing in may of 2017. Since then the grief depression anxiety and fear of being thrust into living on my own with no means of support and knowing nothin of how to get by or even how to cook has resulted in chronic insomnia and now i cant sleep without the aid of prescription medication.Following sale of her home i had no where to go and thankfully a friend [i only have 2]offered to rent me his basement till this spring[ i currently need to find my own place and am very scared] Iam in need of dentures and have no means to get them.I have no other family and although my brother tolerates me and has sown a bit of compassion to my situation my sister in all reality has no sympathy for me in the least.It has almost been a year since her passing and the depression and anxiety and stress has only gotten worse.I desperately ant to end this suffering but am very scared to go find a tree to hang myself but have now reached the point that i need to do this very soon as everything is indescribably overwhelming to me,I am hopelessly addicted to smoking and is the only thing that has calmed me and there is no place to rent that permits this.I dont know what else i can do other than end the trama in this fashion.I guess i am writing this as am hopelessly lost scared and just wanted to get it out in the event that i can find he courage to do what must be done

    1. Dave I am so sorry all this has hit you. I understand how the anxiety makes you feel so overwhelmed and I’m sorry you feel so badly you want to end your life. Thank you for trusting me, and us, enough to be so candid. I can’t help but hope you will not follow through.

      But Dave, someone able to take care of their mom like you have through two serious health illnesses plus the house, does have an in-demand skill. You are probably capable of taking care of someone else and get room and board as well as a little bit of money in exchange for the service. You could actually help take someone else’s mother or father. Just an idea.

      I hope you’ll come back and update us.

  52. I’m not angry with a particular person or about any incident. I’m just tired of struggling with suicidal thoughts and urges. I first attempted suicide when I was 14. I’m now 26. I get suicidal feelings every few months, sometimes I go through a really good patch for about 6 months. In those good patches I always fool myself into thinking that I’m “over it”, that I’ve outgrown it and I’ve left suicidal urges behind me forever. I do take medication already and it does help. Usually the suicidal thoughts pass within a weeks or so, before medication I would be dysfunctional during my down periods and they would last much longer.

    But I’m back here again. Feeling suicidal. Feeling angry that I’m feeling suicidal again, wondering what is wrong with me (I don’t have a bad life). I also feel like I will never be able to successfully be in a relationship because of my emotional struggles which is very disheartening. And worst of all is I’m starting to realise it’s never going to be over for me. I’m just going to keep on having suicidal feelings throughout my life. I just wish I had access to a quick method of suicide, like a gun, or IV overdose… I’ve tried various other methods, last night I was researching hanging (obviously), but I’m scared I’ll get it wrong and it will be very painful. Yes, there are people who love me and care for me. But I feel like I need to repress my personality all the time, with family, with friends, because they just aren’t capable of understanding the weirder, experimental side of me, and it causes a lot of anxiety and frustration. Anyway, I’m just tired of waiting to be “better”. I’m just tired…

    1. So eloquently put Barbara. I know that’s such a strange thing to say but you summed up what it is like in a paragraph. First, I am so sorry you are tortured with these thoughts. I know my son was tortured by the too. His was also cyclical like yours.

      I do want you to know that most of the time this, what you are experiencing, can be successfully treated. Not that it’s an easy but I understand you feel drained. Having lost a son to suicide, I know that feeling well. Being down and drained and feeling as if I had no purpose any more, But I have managed to find a way and I want you to as well. I want you to know this is a safe place where people understand. Don’t judge and listen. And I think if you copied what you wrote above and put that in a message to your family, they might also start to understand what you are feeling a little better. Please give that a try. Because I don’t want your loved ones to have suffer the kind of loss I have. It’s utterly devastating. And I wish my son had taken words like you wrote and handed it to me.

  53. it’s been a while i feel weak posting this but i need to tell someone that i’m not living longer. i’m good @ pretending everything’s good but when everyone forgets you life falls apart a little. i’m scared to death but the choice is made

    1. I am so sorry you feel this awful, Bella. My son used to say, “He wore the mask of a clown.” Good God I miss him so much. Can you tell me more about your pain and what hurts so much?

    2. I feel the exact same way. I googled “how to hang yourself” and this site came up. No one in my family knows so I wonder if I (we) are posting this to clear our conscience or test our will? I honestly don’t know, but I suspect we are trying to confront the finality of it all. Its cathartic
      to type this out, but its hard to write my final letters & make final arrangements without talking to anyone.

      1. I am so glad you had the courage to post here Robert. I really am sorry you feel this badly. I hope you will talk to somebody. You are welcome to talk here. Tell us how you feel. If you tell me your city and state (if you are in the U.S.) I can try to help you find a local crisis number to call.

        1. Anne,
          Disappointing that ur answer is an 800 number. You excruciatingly miss the point. I don’t blame you, but its obvious you just aren’t able to or are too busy to provide real direction or advice. Although this rings true to you on a personal level, you seem to me unable to connect with folk like me, who desperately need a savior. Your canned response is unsettling and, frankly, offensive. Shame on you for pretending to represent a noble cause in your son’t name, but half-ass your efforts.

          1. Actually, it’s not an 800 number. People find better resources at a local crisis hotline so that’s why I asked that. Some people want me to help them find that number. I actually spend a lot of time here thinking about how to answer people who are hurting and I truly am sorry you felt I was giving you a cookie cutter answer. Not my first error ever I understand your anger. I am still not going away. Persistence is part of my charm whether you like that or not. So far I don’t know much about you. Why you are hurting. If you have family. A dog. If you are in school. Why you feel the way you do. Are you from the United States. So if you are not entirely offended by me, tell me some of those things.

            I wish I could be a savior. Not for one second have I ever thought of myself that way. If I was a savior then my son would still be alive sitting beside me. He’s not. Half the time I battle thinking that I was the shittiest mom on the planet and how utterly naive I was to not see he was suicidal. After he died, it was all I could do to get up in the morning and some days are still very difficult. I still think about him every single day. I want a redo but I don’t get that. Living through his suicide was the single most brutal event I’ve ever endured. And it never ends. Not until the day I die. I try to give back and I am not perfect. All I can do is the best I can do. And there will be times that is not enough.

            You may not know it, but you are the center of someone’s universe. But it may be your brain won’t let you think it. So I would like you to tell me about you and why you are hurting so much you want to kill yourself. Help me understand.

            1. I just wanted to say thanks Anne. You brightened my day a bit ❤ thanks for offering some rare respect

          2. Robert anne is a top lady who has been though alot of pain and helping others like us plesae dont show disrespect as im suicidal every day and i just feel like giving up had ENOUGH now sorry I’ve not been well and im fed up of feeling like this i just want to die

            1. Thank you Debbie. I can’t imagine feeling so bad, DEBBIE. Have you always suffered from depression? Do you have depression? I can’t help but be happy you are still here. Just spoke to doctors today in support of suicide screening and then treatment

              1. Shock therapy can have unpredictable outcomes. Went through this with a friend 8 yrs ago. She was a mess. Memory loss, unstable – I helped her complete forms for disability. I think she had shock therapy almost daily for a few weeks. Going under anesthesia too. I would try the magnet or other therapy first. For some people this may be the only way but it is risky business. I think my friend was part of a clinical trial or some experiment and really feel the doctor was not looking out for her best interests.

              2. Please, please, do NOT recommend ECT!!!! (Shock therapy) The results are temporary at best. The side effects are horrific. There are many Doctors out there who use it as a cash cow. They can bill insurance for anesthesia, hospital care etc etc. and continue to recommend it even after it’s obviously ineffective. They will even use it where it is contraindicated, just so they can get the money!!! This has been my horrible experience. Please DONT recommend this!

                1. Colleen. Thank you for that. I didn’t know scams were tied to it.

                  I am guilty of getting Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) mixed up with shock therapy. That one is a noninvasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. TMS is typically used when other depression treatments haven’t been effective.

                  Have you ever had that? If so did it help?

      2. Robert – if you are still out there – you are not alone. I am a single father of a 13 year old son and struggle with depression and feelings of helplessness every day. Just tonight I looked up (again) the best way to hang myself. I am not sure what your story is – but reading your comments here tonight stirred something within me. I hope you are okay.

        1. Wow, Christopher. You really surprised me with your comment. Tell me how Robert’s comment affected you?

          Being a single father of a teenager has its own challenges, but can you tell me what you are struggling with?

          1. Hey Anne – depression is so hard to explain …. but for me it’s always there. Sometimes I am able to keep it at bay – more often lately – it can be smothering. I came across your site tonight while googling “hanging” and Robert’s words hit me hard. He said that no one in his family knew what he was struggling with and I kept thinking that if he were my son (or if my own son wrote those words) I would want him to tell me. Robert made me feel (for tonight) that I do have purpose. I kissed my son on the head just a bit ago and took another breath.

            1. I have had bouts of depression after general anesthesia –so a fleeting glimpse and not a lifetime of dealing with episodes. I only know of how thoughts of suicide feels from reading my son’s lyrics which is not the same but as close as I have been.

              That’s a beautiful answer and it brought tears to my eyes. So basically Robert’s comment made you think of what you had to live for–your boy. Thank you for sharing that. And thank you Robert.

              1. Anne – I did not mean to be insensitive to you and to your loss. I cannot imagine losing my son – especially in the way that you lost Charles. Do not for a minute think that you are not “a Savior” – because tonight – finding you, Robert and your site – you are my savior. Xoxox

                And Robert – if you are still out there – please reach out. We are listening.

  54. Still feeling very suicidal hurts gettin closer i hope i dont suffer as many ppl do im at the point of no return ……….

      1. I also just want to die. I feel it every day. I’m only in 8’th grade. I have no friends and I get bullied every day. Recently the bully made people walk away from me. And only one person didn’t walk away. I’ve been feeling this way for the past 3 months. I don’t know how to tell people that I want to die. I need help

        1. Dino- Bullying is so cruel. I am so sorry it has made you feel so bad about yourself you want to die. I want you to know I survived bullying. A lot of people have. I want you to know that. I also want you to focus for a moment on that one person who did not walk away. Bullies bully is because they are hurting too. Keep talking to us here if you get this message. Tell me more about how you feel.

          1. Thank you for responding. It means a lot to me to know that there are people outs there that are willing to help. Luckily, the bully is strange and is friendly one day and horrible on the other.

            1. You need to know this person is also struggling and acting out in ways to try to make himself feel superior. Most likely he is as much or more distress. I think bullying can be a kind of addiction. Personally, once I decided to look at that person and feel bad for them. This is how they choose to spend their time? I think it’s sad. What’s more it’s a good thing that you’d never do this to someone else. You clearly have the capacity for empathy. Our culture so needs that right now. And people like you are important to remind us of that. It really is a wonderful trait. I miss that so much after my son’s suicide. His capacity for love and empathy always made me feel better about things.

              1. Well, today my friend left me to be with her other friends. Now I’m really alone. And I’m so sorry about your son.

              2. My friend also just left me to be with her other friends. Now I feel utterly helpless. It doesn’t help that my friend attempted suicide recently and that I found out my sister attempted 3 times to kill her self. Why is my life so messed up and I’m incapable to help anybody.

              3. Should I call the suicide hotline? I’m afraid that the police will be called to my location. And from the stories I’ve read from people who called, they said that all the time the police are called. I’m scared and lost and don’t know what to do. I think I’d be better of dead. I would be less of a burden then.

                1. The alternative is to text 741-741. Where are you located? Maybe I can help you find a local line. They are often a better option. So let me know you city and state. You are not giving us your “location” by revealing that.

                  Just FYI: If the suicide hotline calls police in our area, they also call a team that is very helpful. They are not unkind these days and while it makes people mad, several thinking of suicide have told me that that call saved their life. Your other option is to go to the ER. I really want you to get the help you need because you are willing and do not want to die. Please reply. Thank you for coming back.

                    1. First of all I am honored you ask me to help. Thank you for your courage in reaching out. I also have listed here a teen/young adult crisis line as well. I don’t know your age. The local resources are your best bet. They’ll know the services that are available to you. Do come back and let me know how it goes. I am here for you.

                      Bill Wilson Center Youth Crisis Line (ages 7-24)* 888-247-7717

                      Teen Hotline* 650-579-0353

                      Phone: (800) 784-2433
                      Address: 828 South Bascom Avenue San Jose, CA 95128

                      Phone: Toll-free: 1-855-278-4204
                      The Suicide and Crisis Services of Santa Clara County (SACS) provides a crisis hotline where highly trained volunteers are available 24 hours 7 days a week to talk with individuals in crisis. The goal of SACS is to assist in defusing and de-escalating the crisis and helping to return the individual to his/her usual level of functioning. Services are always available in English and in several other languages through a translator.

                      Santa Clara Valley Health & Hospital System
                      Suicide & Crisis Service
                      24 hours / 7 days
                      San Jose (408) 279-3312
                      North County (650) 494-8420
                      South County (408) 683-2482

                    1. You are welcome, Dino. You have gifts and if you are not with us, you take those with you. Let me know how it goes. If you can’t reply to this message, make a new one on this same thread.


        1. Oh Debbie I know this is not good news but I’m so glad you are still alive and staying alive for your son because you know he’d never adjust to your death. Thank you for knowing that and trying. We are here for you. Thank you for sharing your naked pain that is clearly unbearable.

          Have you ever seen the video about Kevin Hines who jumped off the golden gate bridge and survived?

          1. Hi Anne no i haven’t seen that video but if I can get it on you tube i will anne thank you for your help and advice and support im very very grateful for your help and I’ve still got bad physical and mental health illness but im getting help happened on the 30thaug i was in hospital for a week i just felt like that was the end but i was lucky i swolled razor blades but i know i passed them im goin to watch the video god bless Anne i would love to tell YOU how im feeling I kept a deppression diary and showed it to my gp and I’ve been honest my son stayed with his dad and I will always be there for MY SON hes my reason im here xXx xXx ps i will let you know how the video was xxx❤❤❤Anne you deserve to be honourd because your a beautiful lady xxxxx

            1. Hello, the video is here on youtube. That is so scary and you are here! That’s what matters. And what’s more you are getting help and you are trying. I’m just amazed. And I’m so grateful you came back here to update me. That’s so kind you took the time to come back here and tell me. You knew I would be worried didn’t you? I think, “I wonder what happened to Debbi?” And now I know. Thank you. And you are a beautiful lady with a kind and loving heart.

        2. Today I am coming to you Debbie. I hope you answer. This is a brutal month for me. My son would have been 23. The whole month of April is tough since his suicide. And then Mother’s Day which burns it hurts so much. After that is the death anniversary in June. It’s so tough living without my son. I feel like such a shitty mother. Usually, I can talk myself out of that but today I can’t .

          1. Hi anne sending you love and peace thinking of you and your son im in a lot of a mess and thinking about you but next week is goin to be my last week on earth sad to say anne ❤❤your the best x

            1. Thank you Debbie and I hope you find help. Selfishly I want you to live and I hope that someone can help you with those awful feelings of suicidal ideation you suffer with. I think you do have value and b this earth. And I would really like to meet you in person one day

          1. Debbie- I’m so relieved to hear from you! Even in your pain you have reached out. Thank you for that. You are something of a star now. Did you know that? People have read this page and so many have asked about you. They ask, “Do you know what happened to Debbie?” “Is she OK?” You have so many who care about you and they don’t even know you. Just from reading your story here.

            I am so sorry that these thoughts are so intense and come so often for you. Your story of your son with autism and how you’ve supported him through the years is so commendable. Don’t leave us now. Please take the step of asking for help. I wish I was there in England. Everyone is rooting for you. There is a part of you that does not want to die. I know it’s in there. I do. Find that sliver of hope.

            1. Aww bless you xXx beautiful xXx hope your ok and your family are all good thanks anne but ive tried to stay stronger than ever but sadly im not coping to well and i just feel like giving up had ENOUGH now sorry I’ve not been in touch with you you will always be there in my heart and if i was to die i will leave you a lovley lettet i can personaly post it to you in the usa and send you a pic of me and my son love you always xxx your the best anne xxxxxxx

              1. I do admire how hard you are trying. And so appreciate your coming back here to update me. I want you to know that the intense feeling is temporary. So if you wait it out it will subside. Not saying it will all be better and rainbows will appear. But that intense part. And if you can survive that, as you have many times, you can survive and not leave us. You are worth my time and my effort. You are a sweet soul and we can not afford to lose that right now. Our culture needs people like you. So much. People with compassion and heart.

      3. Hi anne im still here but ive got myself into a big mess and the only way out is to take my own life because I CAINT GO ON ANY MORE AND I JUST WANT TO DIE GO TO HEAVEN AND BE WITH MY sister Tina passed away 8 years ago my beautiful sister i caint go on any more living in regret and debt crisis ive really messed up big time now and i feel there’s no way out of this hell hole im so sorry to have to write this anne you have been though alot x thank you for your support but im sat here with tablets and water to over dose on and that’s not good ive got a son 13 im crying as i type this I CAINT GO ON ANY MORE AND I JUST WANT TO DIE got to go x

        1. I love that you have the courage to come back here, share your most sacred thoughts and let me know you are still alive. I think of you often and so do many of my readers. I want you to know that many of us get in over our heads and we all look for an escape route. Not all of us suffer suicidal ideation so that escape always looks different. I’m sorry yours is so intensely self destructive. Debt is not the end of the world. I promise. I’ve been in debt, too. And whatever mistake you’ve made can be managed or worked through.

          Your brain is not being nice to you and I want to tell it to stop and let you live a happier life here on earth with us and with your sweet son. You are such a beautiful person, Debbie, and your pain so real. Someday I’m going to come to England and I want to meet you in person. Give you a real hug. I want to squeeze out all those thoughts that make you suffer so much because you don’t deserve them. I so hope you are still with us. I predict I will some day meet you in person. I just know it’s going to happen.

        2. Anne that was the day i took the over DOSE i took it in the afternoon I wrote that in the mornibg and in the afternoon I took 59 /or more fluxotine xx xXx I’m trying to get ny life bk on track Anne having took the over DOSE its made me a stronger person and im so happi but still feel anious and paranoid and seeing things i hear voices i talk to my sister who died and MY dad it gives me PEACE xxxxxx❤❤❤❤❤😍😍😍😍👄👄👄

          1. So you are suffering from periods of psychosis. That’s so hard. I think Charles did, too. It makes it hard to separate what really happened and what didn’t. I can’t imagine. That would scare the hair off my head. But the best news… that you are getting your life back on track. Damn, that takes courage and strength which you have now. I’m here for you. And I’m going to be doing a TEDtalk December 8 and I talk about this page and how many comments are on it. You are my hero!

            1. Hi anne happy new year to you and your family xxx god bless you beautiful lady I’m ok getting better ive got a diganose of having bipolar disorder im ok im still low and feel like giving up but im ok ive found the strength to Carey on and try and help others ive got a lot of phsical health problems and my son but im doing some volunteers WORK i take calls FROM people who are like me wanting to die but there is light at the end of the tunnel in making 2019 my year my new life and I will always be there for my son god bless you anne i think about you every day I say a prayer for you and your son xxxx lots of love from debbi and reece x xXx

              1. You are the kindest hearted person DEBBIE. And I always wonder how you are and appreciate your coming back here to tell me how you are doing. Bipolar would be the answer to why. At least you have that and a will to stay alive which is 90% of the battle. I am so amazed how far you have come since your first post here and let that be a shining light of hope for those who suffer. Your son is so lucky to have you.

                1. Hi anne hope you are ok and your family xxx god bless you hun thank you for your help and advice and support im very very grateful for your help lots of love from debbi and reece x

                  1. Doing well. So good to hear about you and Reece. Thank you for the update and I’m grateful you are kind enough to come back and update me and let me know you are still alive! I’m so overjoyed you are working through things.

    1. Debbie I’m so sorry your thoughts of suicide are so pervasive. Thank you for checking in with us. I wish I could help you more. But I can read your thoughts, respond and let you know I and we are listening to you. That much I can do with an ocean between us. If I was there, I would give you a hug. Do call the Samaritans if you need to. See what resources they can offer you to help with the depression. It is obviously very bad.

      I am going to ask a few questions. Have you felt this way during the winter before? Do you get these feelings in summer and spring, too? What will happen to your son if you die by suicide?

      1. Anne ive had this feeling since i was 19 and its all year round and ive got my sons dad to be thete for my son as i was called a rubbish mom to my son whos 13 but acts and does things like a 4 year old he got his disabilities hes autism adhd he calls me nasty names hits me i dont feel any love from him or have i never felt love from anybody my mom left me when i was 6 weeks old my sister passed away from cancer and my dad and my friend died

        1. Oh Debbie, I am so sorry. That is a lot of pain. I am honored you trust me enough to tell me about your past. Those “adverse childhood experiences” would be one of the reasons you suffer from thoughts of suicide. Not feeling any love is a tough place to be. But do know we value you here. Thank you for coming back and commenting.

      1. Kay- Debbie came back and she is still with us. I asked her to call emergency services. Please encourage her to do the same. Keep the post simple and just ask her to call emergency services. Thank you. It’s above.

      2. Hi kat yes im here thank you for asking very kind of you i feel very low still y im hanging on i caint answer that my son i look at and i am crying now as i type my reply its my way of saying enough is enough ive suffered since i was 19 with deppression and ive tried to take my own life a few times but obviously not been able to do it properly ive been im the qeph mental health hospital in England uk samarations ive called i call most days im sorry for feeling this way theres people who want to live but i caint get to accept life x

    2. #1 We are glad you are still with us. Please call an emergency number Debbie. You have to get real help. They can get you out of this really bad place. Call emergency services now because you are in a life threatening situation.

    3. hi debbie. i hope you’re okay. i am going through similar problems. my mother died from suicide and since then i haven’t been the same. i have been self harming but not trying to kill myself. but i am not living for myself. i am living for my little brother and dad and other relatives. i couldn’t cause my brother more pain like what i’m in. i’m just in a living hell, you know? over the summer i went to the person that u go to before the therapist, i forget the name. they told me i have anxiety and depression and needed either meds, talk therapy, or both. my dad chose talk therapy, but then never took me back to the place. it’s kind of heartbreaking, because he doesn’t know the mental state im in and if i tell him about my self harm what if im sent to a mental hospital? the only time i’ve been to therapy was over a year ago, and i just didn’t like it there. it just wasn’t for me, you know? i needed to find a place that was perfect or at least good for me. and my dad got very angry that i didn’t like it there. im just lost with nobody to talk to. just music.

  55. Heh…. Iam really happy with the amount of people you helped, it really does make me happy to see others happy. As in my case… I see that this life of mine is pretty much worthless, the reason I searched for “how to hang yourself” or more specifically “how to push yourself to hang yourself” is because I see absolutely no meaning in my life, someone who cares about nothing but just games and can’t concentrate at studying at all so I just know how will my life path end up and I know the easiest way to run away from all of this is just committing suicide but…. That thing that I posses was just way too scared to be able to do it which why I added “how to push yourself” cause I was literally there, the point where I was able to end it all and everyone will be finally happy that I finally vanished from existence, heh…. That is if they even noticed I stopped going to school all of the sudden…

    And I can finally be done with all of the bullying that continued from primary school all the way to high school, though it did stop at secondary level 2 but after what? After I have lost everything? After I forgot how to talk properly? After leaving me talk to only myself? Though… I should thank them tbh, they made me know what that world truly look like and know how worthless staying there is cause really now… Everyone is going to die someday, so why would I even spend any effort if I know everything I will do will be gone in the end? Why keep waiting when the possibly of sinning is increasing in each day after day. I reached the point of not caring about anything, I eat less, I almost don’t pray at all, I sleep a lot, I don’t open my books till the exams are near, I… I Don’t even care if I will be going to heaven or hell, I just want this to end…. I even remember when my mother was angry at me and said how much she hated me and said that if she was able to get the knife she would have killed me and then been happy, after that I went to the kitchen and got a knife and gave it to her and said “here you go, Iam ready”…. Sadly…. She couldn’t do it…. And I had to stay in this boring world…. The one thing that strongly keeping me back from trying to hang myself everyday is that Iam actually a content creator and I only released 1 thing and want to make more for others to play, but then comes in my mother taking all my stuff even though it’s a holiday, and after my only happiness gets taken… I try to hang myself when my mother and sister go out. Yeah might be a stupid reason but for me…. I really care about doing so… And it just gets taken from me.
    This isn’t really everything I wanted to say but Iam a really forgetful person and forgot what did I even want to say.
    And sorry if all these things are just way too dumb for such a serious thing as depression

    1. Omar – Your words and your pain are very important. I am so sorry you are hurting and feel worthless. And I am so sorry about your family. We don’t get to pick that do we? She obviously does not understand. A lot of people don’t. That is trauma and I’m sorry you have to endure that.

      You made mention of creating content. What if that content might help someone? Typically I find that deep feelers such as yourself are very talented and these thoughts go with that talent unfortunately. But if you go, you take that skill with you. What might happen with it? We would sadly not find out if you were to leave us. What if there was a greater purpose for you and you can’t yet see it for all this pain you are experiencing. There is only one you. Ever. If you go, you take whatever you can create with you. Tell me more about your what you are doing with your content.

      1. Well actually it’s something like adding my modifications to it, and Iam not the only one that does it but a bunch of other people as well and I am really just a starter who just made 1 thing and isn’t even able it finish a 2nd one cause of my mother taking the laptop and I just doing nothing in my life
        So nothing would drastically change if I stopped all of the sudden pulse, not that much of these people know about it so not all of them know about me
        If only my mother knew that what I do and spending all that time on the laptop only keeps me mentally stable…

        1. Omar- I am so sorry. I understand your being frustrated at your mom for taking away the laptop. I would bet she has no idea it’s been a lifeline for you. Part of what is making the suicidal thinking worse for you is not having support, so you’ll need to seek that outside your home. And I think your mom just does not understand mental illness. I often see that with parents who don’t understand mental illness and the suicidal thinking that drives it. Believe it or not, they often come around eventually. I see you are in Egypt so there may be cultural issues I’m not aware of. .

          Do they have support groups there? If not, is there someone at a school or church you could reach out to? To explain your feelings of depression and suicide. Mental illness is not always accepted in certain cultures so I’m not sure what it’s like there and that’s why I am asking you to educate me. Thank you for coming back. For sticking with us. For telling me more.

          1. I do believe there is no groups there.
            And I remember *trying* to bring it up with a friend of mine but… I guess I was too scared of the outcome of the conversation, especially since we were riding a transport (a car that caries about 12 people) but Iam kinda happy I didn’t, cause I was going to ask things like “what will you do if your friends died?” and then “and what will you do if you knew they were the one who killed themselves?” So yeah, it would have been a pretty weird conversation.
            And I don’t think going to a mosque would help me cause I am not that good at public speaking and don’t know what am I supposed to say there, so it would be kinda awkward to me

            1. So can you talk to one religious leader at a mosque? Not a whole group. If that’s possible. I don’t know the structure of a mosque very well. And maybe with your friend, you say, “Can I tell you something personal? Something I’ve not shared with someone else and have been afraid to tell?” I hope that helps Omar.

              It looks like your country is making an effort to address mental illness. So there are people who are sympathetic. I found these two articles.


              By the way, your English is spectacular. You must be very intelligent. You could write something about your experience for this site. I know that helps me. To write. Would you be willing? I think it helps others to understand suicidal thinking. I hope you don’t mind my asking.

              1. I really want to ask for someone’s help but think of how awkward my future conversations with that friend of mine would be, and I don’t like to be treated differently just because I have a problem or something like that, I guess that’s another reason I don’t want to bring it up.
                now about my English, I won’t say I studied really hard and kept studying English day after day, all I did was just watch YouTube videos, day after day I watch like 20+ videos a day (probably even more but, eh) and while watching I guess the meaning of the words I don’t know and it really helped me cause if I learned English from school… I would have pronounced a lot of words wrong (yeah… they were that bad), but I am still not that good with grammar tbh.
                and about writing my experience… umm… I don’t really know if I will be able to do so, not that I don’t want to but maybe it will be hard to get some clear information from someone as young as me, and I don’t mind you asking at all.

                1. Omar- I think I’d rather you have an awkward moment than be dead. So I would start off saying that it’s awkward but I would tell an adult. They’ll know more resources. Usually someone religious is a good start. A lot of people go to them. Someone who is empathetic is usually a good choice. Someone your age might not get it unless they suffer from the same thing. I have never been to Egypt so I am unfamiliar with the resources.

                  This is hard. I know it is. And I am pushing you because I want you to save your own life. If you had a heart problem, you’d ask for help. This is really no different. Suicidal thinking is an illness of the brain. That is a major organ. You are not asking for help because you are weak. You are asking for help because you are strong. It takes a lot of courage. But you have already posted here. And that is a pretty brave step.

                  You can come back and write something later when you are ready. And I think you will. I love how you learned English. That’s amazing. Both my sons made youtube videos for years. By the way, this might not allow you to reply as it nests only so deep. If that’s the case, just start a new message.

                  1. I… I don’t know what should I say or do… I am lost…
                    I will just leave things as it is, “normal”.
                    I don’t think it will be worth it for you to try to convince me, after all that’s all what I am good for, wasting people’s time.
                    I am really sorry that all your previous tries went a waste, it’s my fault for trying in the first place even though I knew I was helpless.
                    everything will just go like it did before, whether I kill myself or not it doesn’t matter anymore for me, my reasoning were shitty enough to know how pathetic I am.
                    this will probably be the last thing you will hear from me…. and let me just say that you are amazing at what you do, you helped a lot of people… but I guess some of them are just way too stubborn huh? just like me…

                    well then, hope you have a great day

                    1. Omar. You might not be ready today. That’s OK. But the seed is planted and I think you will reach out. Because I don’t think you want to die. You just want to end misery.

                      But here’s the thing. Feelings are temporary. And that goes for bad feelings. I think you have potential. I don’t think you are all those things you say about yourself. I know you believe them. But I don’t. Thank you for having a conversation with me. I’m honored you trusted me with your darkest secrets. That alone took so much courage to let another human being know how much you hurt.

                      #3 on this post are some ideas on what to say. Just read it a few times. Maybe once a day. Practice what you might say in a mirror, say it in your head. That way, when you are ready to reach out, you have some words to use. I want you to feel better and have a better quality of life. But it takes work. One step at a time. The process itself is hard but rewarding at the same time.

  56. My parents fight all the time. I’m always alone,I have no one. My friends and

    family have all turn on me. No one really actually cares about me. I’m just so depressed. I’m confused if I should trust anyone at this point. I feel that if I was dead everybody would be happy or they wouldnt even notice. I have nothing to live for. It wouldn’t matter if I died anyway.

    1. Lily. I’m telling you that you do matter. I don’t think because your parents fight that it has anything to do with you. What I’m saying is that it’s not personal. They are caught up in their own fight with each other and they don’t realize how it’s affecting you. But I do understand that being in that environment makes you feel unloved. Especially if it’s constant. Please don’t end your life. Because you take your talent and potential with you. These feelings you have, as awful as they are, are temporary. If my son were here today, he’d tell you to stay with us. Charles would break out in a freestyle rap song just for you. He did that one time, you know.

      I hope years from now, you are telling some other young person who has almost given up hope about that one time when you were thinking of ending your life. But you didn’t. You’ll tell her how you did find someone to talk to and you worked through it. Maybe a school counselor? A teacher? A minister? You have taken the first step and told someone here. That’s a courageous first step. Thank you for having the courage to comment here.

    2. Hi lilly i feel the same as you your words are what im feeling like now sorry you too feel this way i caint help the way i feel ann is a beautiful person always there for me and always listening even with annes loss strong lady wish i had that strength i wudnt be suicidal i just want to go to sleep and not wake up x

    1. I know you have to hurt to be looking up this phrase. I am sorry it hurts so much. My son felt that way. You have reached someone that cares. I hope you will tell me more or reach out for help. I am willing to listen.

    2. Hi kat snap i feel 100% that way your feeling the end is near for me ive got so much not so nice stress and alot of pain i feel for everybody who is suicidal because ppl say lifes for enjoying but most ppl dont feel that way there wouldnt be a meaning of the word suicide if nobody took there own life

  57. Hello I am here today cause of the thoughts of taking my own life. If I only had a gun it would have been done long ago and I would not have to be here on earth. It’s hard to say really how I feel from day to day when you know just around the corner the good turns cold and black. I just hate the sudden changes in moods from being on top of the world to being a loser all in the same day.
    Having ptsd does not help matters it only makes it worse. I can not blame others on how they view me some call me crazy, stupid among other words. They don’t know about me and the ptsd I suffer from cause I never talk about it. Only reason I do not talk about it is I do not want to be treated different then them. Plus I know for a fact when you tell people that you have ptsd word gets out like a wildfire then people use this against you. My trust in people around me I don’t have any and this makes it much harder to be part of my neighborhood.

    1. Rodney – First, I am glad you do not have a firearm and that you are still with us. Second, I’m impressed with the courage it took for you to post this comment and tell me how you are feeling. I know you feel awful to be looking up how to kill yourself. I am sorry you feel shame for your PTSD. I want you to know that it’s something that happens in your brain that is beyond your control.

      I want you to find one person to talk to and ask for help. There has to be one person you trust. If not, look for a hotline in your community. Sometimes people want to tell a complete stranger. To save yourself, you have to take that first step. It’s a hard step but you’re moving in that direction by posting here. You’ve already made one courageous move. You can’t fix this by yourself. You need someone who can get you to a mental health professional for help. I am honored you posted here. Thank you.

      1. Suicide hotlines don’t help people really thinking about suicide. If anything it makes them feel shittier about themselves that there last resort is to call someone they don’t even know to tell theme there life is valuable. I hate this world and I wish I wasn’t such a wimp to have the courage to kill myself

        1. I do wish there was a better resource as far as the hotline. Whenever, possible I try to link people to local resources.

          If you are saying that those who don’t kill themselves are wimps, most of the world is in that category so we live in a world of wimps and I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful you are still here and had the courage to comment. Some part of you is fighting for you and I hope you find some spark of light to move towards. I am so sorry you struggle. I know my son did, too

          1. I feel so frustrated that I’ve ended up on this site when I wanted the information but I really appreciate what you are doing to help people. I’ve been here (at this point, I mean) before many times, but the thoughts are now becoming overpowering. I keep thinking about walking out of the house, going to the woods and hanging myself from a tree.
            I wish there was an easier way to do it, but I’ve researched before and I know this is the best way. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. That’s the only reason I stick it out every time thinking of how devastated my parents would be and the kids that I teach. I also don’t want to hurt myself, I just want to not exist. Sometimes it seems like in order to get help you are expected to be self harming but I would never do that. When I am ready I will try to go in the least painful way. I wish doctors understood that.
            I’m not a good person – my friends overlook a lot of the awful selfish things I do in my life – I feel like I’ve deceived them. I’ve really messed my life up and I just want the pain to end. I know it sounds pathetic and cliche but the pain is overwhelming. Every time I tell myself that this too shall pass, but at the end of the day the longer I stay on the earth the more hurt I cause to myself and others around me. I’ll only end up feeling like this again, having caused more damage, if I stick it out.
            I’m sorry to even waste your time on reading this – I’m not sure whether I’m going to do anything or not this time. I have reached out but I don’t think anyone sees how bad it is.
            This is the most pathetic thing but one of the things that stops me is the logistics. I’ve been lying in bed with the curtains closed for a day this time. I wouldn’t want to walk to a shop to find the rope and would be scared someone would see. I would need to bring a chair or something to the woods and make sure I was hanging high enough. I would be worried someone would see. I hate to think of who would find me. I hate to think of the example I would be setting to young kids let alone the world of hurt I would cause everyone else. I also would be worried it wouldn’t work and then I would end up disabled, losing my job or living with everybody knowing I tried to kill myself.
            I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this.
            I don’t want to worry anyone and I’m going to try and see it through but the urge is extremely strong.
            I have bipolar disorder by the way. I drank a lot of alcohol last night and haven’t had my Prozac in days. I called the pharmacy and they just said they’ll get it in for Tuesday. I’m unsure whether this is exacerbating the situation.
            Thanks for what you do. I have a mum who cares about me too. I would hate her to go through what you did.

            1. Oh Claire, this is such a soul searching, heart wrenching, courageous post. I am so sorry you are feeling such pain. You’ve bared your soul here and there is so much beauty in that. And just so you know, all your fears are well grounded. Any of those things can and do happen. Your mother would be utterly devastated as I still am. I will never “get over it.” I am also going to bet you are a good teacher because you are an empathetic person. I want you to know, you can feel better. It does not feel that way now but I want you to think that you will because that’s the first step. Lack of medication does indeed have something to do with this. I also suspect your loved ones are not taking you seriously. They may even think, “she’s just trying to get attention.” Which of course you are because how else would you get help? (I so hate that “get attention” phrase).

              I have an idea. This idea has worked for other young people. I want you to give your mom a written letter. You can use what you have here as it’s so much from your heart. I would have given ANYTHING for my son to give me such a letter. ANYTHING! Also, try to think of one other person you might also give this letter, too. I know and see that you don’t want to kill yourself. You just want to end the pain. Let your loved ones help you find the resources to do that.

              1. I want you to know your message (and your other messages on here) really have touched me – I read your comment with a lot of tears – sometimes it’s easier to reach out to someone you don’t know who understands rather than worry those around you. I bet Charles would be proud of what you are doing.
                I’m waiting it out. My hope is that I wake up and the thoughts have subsided – I know the chemical ‘attack’ as you call it is transitory, I’m just sick of being back here again and again.
                I don’t want to worry my mum with a letter explaining this – I know she worries about me and is always offering to pay for more counselling (I find that holding down my job takes up all of the mental and physical energy I have for the day so I don’t take her up on it). But I get what you’re saying about how valuable it would be. Wouldn’t it be better to tell her I love her in a letter without burdening her further with these ugly thoughts?
                I wish there was a way I could end it without hurting anyone. I know that teaching has worth but aside from that my impact on my surroundings is so negative. How do people carry on holding all of this up day after day so as not to hurt others…why be alive when we’re all in so much pain? I can count the times I’ve felt true happiness in the last year on one hand and the moments are so fleeting.
                I am also aware it’s completely self indulgent to comment these things on someone’s page who’s had such terrible trauma and keeps going. I hope it doesn’t make you sad reading these.

                Thanks for listening

                1. Claire:

                  I have bee in your shoes so many times. But you need to let it out and then fight. I call this the storm period and it sucks!!! Plain and simple. I have bipolar 2 rapid cycling and I’m tell you there are days where I’m like why do I bother, but a student or a friend or family member will say something or do something and I’m like that is why I still need to exist!! I do not want to
                  Miss out on the fun or making new memories. A tough part was for me to stop drinking but I did it! Best thing ever! Please hang in there or email. E to talk! You are worth it!!! Lots of love and hope!


                2. Claire,
                  I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I am literally crying as I read your responses and I am a 52 year old man. My son Matthew was also in a lot of pain. He ended his life almost 8 years ago. The anniversary of his death is March 29th. When someone kills themselves they think they are ending the pain. That’s not true. They are transferring the pain to the people that love them. I fully believe that if Matthew was still alive he would have gotten through his pain. I will never get through the pain of his death. His brother has struggled with substance abuse. His little sister is now the age he was when he died and thinks about him every day. His mom and I are now divorced. Many of his friends still struggle. I have a large picture of him beside my bed and in my office. I will be praying for you. Keep pressing on to get through your pain. Your family would never get through the pain of you choosing to end your life.

                  1. Lloyd, I’m sorry about Matthew. He wouldn’t have wanted all the pain you have to deal with. And Tammy, I just read a few of your posts and you really are an inspiration, thanks for sharing your story.

                3. You keep coming back. At one point you will be able to share the darkness in your soul with your mom. It’s not ugly like you think. She would be honored. I understand you are not ready yet. But I do want you to get help. At least look for a mental health support group. If you want help finding one give me city and state and I can send you some resources. Also look up Tammy’s posts. (Tammy Ozolins) She suffers from bipolar disorder and struggled for a long time and she is an inspiration. Please do take your medication because you need it just like someone with heart disease needs theirs. We are all so encouraged you came back. And we are here for you. If you want me to make your comment a post I can also do that. To help others understand they are not alone. With your first name only. Up to you and I will not do that without your consent or against your wishes. You can post how you feel here without judgement. And thank you for what you said. So much.

              2. Claire,
                You are not wasting anyone’s time. Please stay here with us.
                My beautiful son Whitten did just what you are contemplating. It blew a hole in our lives and we will never be the same. I wish I could have told him that no feeling is ever final. I wish I could have made him understand what a wonderful person he was and how gifted he was and how many people loved him and enjoyed him. He had dozens of family members and friends whose lives have never been the same after he left us. Your mum really would be devastated. Believe me.
                I doubt that you are a terrible person doing selfish things. That’s the illness talking to you and telling you these awful things. I know how real it seems, as I have depression too. And it tells me awful things too.
                Please follow Anne Moss’ suggestions above and let your people help you. I agree – I would give anything to have been able to help him…..
                You never really know just how much space you occupy in people’s lives. And they would carry that load forever. Get your meds on Tuesday and write that letter…

            2. Hi Claire,

              I lost my son, Tyler, to suicide a year ago. I miss him so much and my heart breaks for the pain you feel. Your mom would never get over losing you. I bet she would love to know what is going on inside of you. I know, for sure, that I wish I knew what my own son was thinking.

              I am so glad to be meeting you here. Thank you for your honesty. You, dear girl, are so brave and so strong.

              1. Hi All,
                Thanks again for your responses.
                Anne if you think it would help anybody then of course you can do that…I wouldn’t want it to bring anyone down or anything.
                I completely understand what you’re saying about the pain being transferred to others. I really don’t want that. I didn’t want to wake up this morning – I hadn’t left my bed until an hour ago I went and got a wash.
                Tammy, I have bipolar 2, too. I’m going to go and read your posts now. I’ve also bought Carrie Fischer’s autobiography – I love hearing from other people with bipolar and how they cope.
                I know you’re saying that I’m probably not a selfish person but I really am. I have so many secrets and lie and cheat on the people who love me. The awful things that I do will cause more pain when they are all out in the open. My family would be so disappointed in me. I don’t even know who I am. The life that I’ve built up is all a charade and I’m hanging onto it by a thread.
                When I’m in the routine of school and I’m focusing on my lessons I can ignore the feelings but I come home and go straight back to sleep every night. Then on Friday I go out drinking. I know drinking doesn’t help but when I don’t go out drinking I just sit at home going over things I’ve said and done over and over again. If you knew me, you would be ashamed of me too. I often think that one chaotic event that I cause (messing up at work, falling out with a friend, the person I love leaving me) will be enough to tip me over the edge and I can see one or all of those things happening in this year. Because I’m constantly hitting the self destruct button.
                I think maybe the fact that it’s helped to talk on here shows me that I would benefit from counselling again or a group. The last time I went to counselling the counsellor kept getting me to say positive things about myself and stuff, but I really feel that I’d deceived him too. And I’m not sure whether he was totally appropriate. I could see him liking the me that he thought I was, if that makes sense, too much. I can seem easy to talk to on the surface but I have such a darkness inside and I’m a truly dull and selfish person.
                I don’t think this is the depression telling me this: this is what anyone would say looking at my actions. My mum lives about 5 hours away so doesn’t see me very often. She messaged me today to check in. The worst thing is I even lie to her. She doesn’t even know who I am. She did a speech about me at my wedding where she had a quality about me for each of the letters of my name. It was so lovely but it just made me realise how little she knows about the life I lead. She’s always known I had mental health issues and has always paid for me to see specialists. But she can’t see the awful things because she still sees me as the girl she raised who would never act the way I act.
                Another rambling message but I wanted you to know I’m still here and reading your lovely messages. If I make it through today then the chances are from Monday I’ll stay and feel slightly better. As I said, though, it’s just a ticking time bomb until a big life event happens. I’m 27, by the way, old enough to know better…

                1. You would definitely benefit from a group. And I can tell you we have all done things that we are not proud of, especially when we are young. I have a group of fri nds and one night we played “confess.” These are fine people that had made some pretty epic mistakes and had regrets. But anything can be tur nd around. Mental illness and alcohol/drugs made Charles do things that were not angelic. Stealing, selling drugs.

                  The thing is you feel remorse and guilt. That’s what gives me hope about you. You really do care about others and your family. People who are e truly awfu don’t care at all about others.

                  I see you are in England. They do have mental health support groups. Please make that your next move. Through those groups, you can find a counselor if you need one. And get guidance. It is as the best tho g I ever did for myself. And Tammy leads one! She also does public speaking on her story.

  58. Anne, I am so sorry to read about the loss of your son. Many of the posts here are heartbreaking, particularly Debbie’s and I hope she found a different answer. I have been battling severe depression and anxiety for most of my life, much of that brought on by a hostile childhood & adolescence. I’m not sure if PTSD can be caused by growing up in a constant battleground but even other people’s voices can often cause me stress when I hear them, and I feel that I am always on edge, especially in social situations where eye contact is involved.

    I’m 34 and moved from side of the USA to another, and took a job in a brand new city far away from any friends or family members. I did that for a few years and then the isolation gradually broke me down even more than I already had been…I found myself pausing my daily activities to make my home silent enough to hear things going on outside if I heard other people in the building hallway. Even without being prompted by outside sounds, I would also compulsively look out of my door peephole into the hall, I suppose always in wait of something awful coming my way. After quite a while of this I quit my full time job on a whim, without anything else lined up…just completely lost interest as I continued to delve deeper into self-loathing, alcohol abuse & pornography addiction. I haven’t had a girlfriend in 5 years and I’ve never had a good relationship or been in love, so I fell back on these selfish tools of comfort, and my vices would momentarily ease my pain. I was told earlier this year by my doctor that I have caused some mild damage to my liver and it scared me enough to slow down drinking for a little while but that has picked up again in full force just months after this news.

    After quitting my job, I was unemployed for a couple of months before getting a new opportunity with another company. I worked there a week before losing interest and walking out. A week afterwards I started another job, only to quit that one two weeks later as well. After another month or so, I was brought into the best employment opportunity I’ve ever had, and there was a brief period of feeling optimistic about my future. By this point I was in a bad situation with back rent and teetering on eviction from my apartment but worked something out with the building manager but it would take making huge payments to them twice a month and the idea of that was very overwhelming. I worked for this new job for 3 weeks, and realized that I would not make enough money to fulfill the arrangement I made with the building management, in addition to my anxiety really making it difficult for me in the office around so many new people. I quit that job and decided to move back home to the other side of the country, and had a little bit of money to help. So here I am today, back in my home state and I did not receive the hero’s welcome I anticipated. I’ve been back down a week and a half and already having some issues with my family, and my friends are not providing me much support. I understand that people have their own lives but a little support for an old friend during a rough time would have been appreciated. I just recently accepted a full time job here, which normally would be exciting for someone in my position to have already accomplished that but since no one will help me out with a place to stay, I have found myself homeless and living in a very dirty, bad motel that I used all of my remaining money to rent for a few nights. I have no where to go in a few days and no money, and this makes it very challenging to try and start this new job opportunity.

    Sadly, my closest friend lives just a few blocks from this particular office and it would have been so easy for me if given just a month to get enough money to at least rent another motel, but he is not budging. I didn’t do him wrong and we are good friends, so it’s hard to accept. I must seem like a pretty lame person if no one wants to help me out, and I’m starting to believe that myself. My prospects are either to sleep out on the street somewhere, and clean up in public restrooms and try to work this office job for a month in these conditions before I can use my money to improve my life; or I can simply hang myself in my motel as I’ve been planning for two days now.

    I tried to tell my father on the phone earlier tonight that I am thinking of hanging myself and he countered that by ignoring it completely and then telling me about his own life frustrations. You don’t know him but that’s pretty typical of him and he’s the primary cause of many of my issues, and not feeling validated in my darkest hour certainly does not make me feel cared about and does not make me want to change my mind about my fate. I have not drank today but I had a dangerous amount of alcohol over the last two days and I feel like everyone I know is at war with me at the moment. There is more to that to support the claim but it’s just too much to analyze here. The idea of easing my pain once and for all is very tempting; to leave this ugly world behind while at the same time forcing the people closest to me to examine themselves and consider that I was really as dire as I tried to illustrate to them, when they all refused to help me.

    1. Oh Tim this is so heartbreaking. I do read in your comment a will to live in addition to a will to die. I hope you will choose life. Your situation is difficult and so very painful. This might sound stupid so please forgive me if it is but have you thought of a support group? There are AA chapters everywhere and they often have ties to resources in an area.

      It’s amazing what you have accomplished despite there being trauma or mental illness that has proven disruptive to your relationships. Being loved is important to human beings. It starts with loving yourself first. Support groups are free and numerous. Start by connecting with people who have likely been where you are now. Having been to these groups myself as an invited visitor I have heard remarkable stories of comeback. (By the way, you are obviously intelligent, articulate and write very well.) So if I had to leave you with one thing, it would be to start taking the steps to love yourself first. Please keep me updated.

      1. Thank you, Anne. I will consider your advice, and that is why I wrote here, because you seem to genuinely care about those who are suffering. Loving myself is far from where I am at this point, though, and there are many private details I know about myself that stand in the way of that. I don’t have any answers but it felt good to write about it & I deeply appreciate you reading it, and validating me. That is something that is important to me.

      2. As an update, my father contacted me again and offered to fly me out to him, in another state and help me out a bit. I’m going to try that before I do anything I can’t take back. Thank you, Anne, for just “listening” to me and everyone who comments here. I will be interested in continuing to follow your page and the posts here. You are honoring your son in a great way by just being here for those who stumble upon your page when contemplating suicide and that is something to be proud of.

        1. I could just cry I’m so happy about this. Parents sometimes take a while to come around. They don’t understand. I know it took me a while. So be patient with your dad. Try to explain things without passing judgement and hopefully he will follow suit. Thank you so much for coming back and updating me. Very thoughtful. Do keep up with us here. We’re a growing village of people who can relate from one point of view or another.

        2. Tim F., I’m glad your still here with us. I’m sympathetic to your past and current sufferings and hardships in your life. I hope that you never give up even when life gives all the negativity with a lack of positivity. Don’t give up ever. We are all important in this universe. Keep trying!

  59. I have suffered from deppression since I was 19 I’m 45 now I can not go on like this any more ive got a 13 yr old son who has autism adhd I’m a rubbish mom I hate myself I hope I can get out out I’ve looked up how to hang your self and the most pain less suicide due to my thoughts I’ve crushed tablets I carry with me I think if i drink a bottle of vodka with x200 sertilne antidepressants that shud do it or throw my self in front of a train or car

    1. Debbie- That is so difficult. Raising a son with autism is very hard and all you can do is the best you can do. I know how it feels to not be supported in an effort to raise a child who has invisible disabilities. I hope you won’t follow through with any of the plans you’ve written about. I know life can be cruel and hard and you are suffering right now. Thank you for commenting and know that we are here for you although I was slow to respond. Please let me know if you are still with us and your son still has a mother.

      1. Hi ann im still here only by a very thin line i LOVE my son i do feel like giving up had ENOUGH now sorry I’ve not been well and im GONNA find the best poss way to fall to sleep and never awake again i hope i die in my sleep i won’t KNOW i will be in my sons heart and soul but not here in PERSON i do feel he will have a good life with out me cruel i know but it’s not fair if i tell my mental health doc they will take him im not emotionally fit or physical for him he deserves to be with a good family god bless you xXx ive looked up lots on Google how many tablets to take what will trigger my heart off overdose injectect heroin ive never done drugs or get a hose pipe carbon dioxide xx

        1. Debbie- I want you to give it some time. I have a post I am publishing tonight from a friend who has felt EXACTLY as you are feeling. You can always kill yourself later. There is no deadline.

          And reversing the situation. How would you feel if your son killed himself? If you cannot imagine, I can share my personal experience.

          1. Hi im still suicidal i had to get xmaz out of the way for my son YOUR probably thinking y is debbi still here IM STRUGGLING TO START TO 1 KNOW HOW TO DO IT PROPERLY 2 THE TIME 3 WERE 4 I DON’T WANT TO FAIL 5 I WANT OUT JUST HANG MYSELF PROPERLY6 OR TAKE A OVERDOSE I CAINT GO ON IM SUFFERING EVERY SECOND ……

            1. Oh Debbie I can’t imagine how it is to feel the way you do. You have endured so much suffering. You can’t figure out all of this now and there is no need to kill yourself now either. It’s too much to think about so call someone who will listen. Please, please call this UK line: 020 8399 6676 (local call charges apply) National telephone: 116 123 (this number is free to call). It’s in the UK. And please come back here again. We are with you even if you are in pain. We are listening. I am listening. We hurt with you. Here is the website:

              1. Thank you anne im feeling suicidal every second of every day i just feel like this is the easy way out no more pain im SUFFERING in silence it will b too late i just caint get it out of my head voices telling me i will do it i will find the right TIME im y do i feel im hanging on for something ….. sorry anne you prob wont hear about my death as yr in the usa im goin to do a diary until the e.n.d.❤❤❤❤❤❤

                1. If you were having a heart attack you would call emergency services. Your brain is being attacked and you need to call. Something is not right with your brain chemistry and you need medical help. I hope you will call for help. Thanks for answering. Please call emergency services in UK

                2. Debbie,
                  I am so sorry that you are in pain and hurting so much. When my son died, I could barely stand the pain and wanted so much for it to go away. I knew I could get through it 1 min. at a time, which became 1 hour, which became 1 day.

                  Do you have anyone around to talk to? Sharing your burden really does help. Please know I will be praying for you. Keep reaching out. There are people where you are and here that will talk to you.

                  Please, please call this UK line: 020 8399 6676 (local call charges apply) National telephone: 116 123 (this number is free to call). It’s in the UK. And please come back here again. We are with you even if you are in pain. We are listening. I am listening. We hurt with you. Here is the website:

                  1. Hi terri so sorry to hear you lost yr son must of been very sad for you im sorry for feeling this way theres people dying and i want to die YES I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP thats how bad things are and i wake up afrer 1 hour sleep and say to myself oh not another day ahead i say HOWS THE BEST WAY TO END MY LIFE SO I WONT SUFFER IVE THOUGHT ABOUT HANGING MYSELF TAKE PILLS AND VODKA OR GO IM MY CAR AND PUT THE HOSE PIPE IN THE WINDOW WITH THE ENGINGE RUNNING THROWING MYSELF OFF A BUILDING IM SORRY FOR THE NEGATIVES you have yr probs to deal with thank you for your kind words ❤❤… it may be tonight tomoz ive rang our uk samarations they listen im on 250mmg sertraline by the way they are making me worse im 45 i JUST want to go the fasest way i google it everyday (HOW TO KILL YOUR SELF THE FASTEST AND QUICKEST WAY TO END MY LIFE)

                    1. You definitely need to get sleep Debbie. I am sure it’s making all this so much worse. Can you ask them to adjust your meds to something that will help you sleep? Good move to call the samaritans. And thank you for coming back and talking to us. It’s ok that you let it out. But go back and have those mess adjusted so you get sleep. So important

                    2. Debbie. I was at National Institute of Mental Health yesterday (US) and I had an idea. You need to find someone in England that does ketamine. It has been shown to help with acute suicide episodes and help people find sleep in the days after so you can recover from the brain attack known as suicidal thinking. You need some relief from your suffering. And your son needs you. Is there anyone who can help you locate those services? It’s not a common treatment yet. I have asked someone if they might know of anyone in England offering those treatments.

                    3. Hello lovley people you really are the only people who has shown me a little more time to be here here you esp ann marie your very kind thank you and to everyone who has left a heart loving COMMENT juys im still feeling like its my last hour im taking things this way due to the way i FEEL i would gladly say hi to you juys for giving me this reason to stay a little longer who knows nobody does but it will come but i just want to say a big thank you to you juys ❤i feel the kindness in your hearts …. says everything ……

  60. I seriosly can’t take it anymore my parents divorced now and I get blamed all the time I’m living a terrible life and in pain I’ve tried pushing through each day and I can’t take it anymore I’ve done self harm for about a year now and now it doesn’t relieve that feeling I have I really just can’t be here anymore

    1. Your parents’ problens Or how they deal with yours are not your fault. I am so sorry you feel that Blame. I will tell you that for me those difficult times have made me stronger. I would not have chose to be in stronger this way but that’s what happened. I hope you will give life another chance. Thank you so much for sharing here. It helps me understand losing my son to suicide. The feelings that sufferers have helps me to understand

  61. The only reason that I am still here today is that I was going to hang myself at work. I wanted them, being my colleagues and my employers to see my dead body and show them what happens to nice people who get abused all their life.

    1. Oh Clive. It’s not worth it to sacrifice yourself to make a point to people who are unkind to you. They are not worth you giving up your life. Not worth your son losing a father. Don’t give up on you.

      When I experience unkindness, too, I just have to feel sorry for them. Because they are only skimming the surface of life. It’s hard but this strategy does work for me and I don’t know if it works for others.

      1. I don’t think anyone really understands my pain or how I actually feel and all the evil I carry. Not knowing yourself or who you and trying to fit into the world is very confusing. I try to be nice, treat everyone like I should but still get rejected by people. All because when I get upset and angry with them when I feel mistreated. I really hate myself because I am very irrational and u can not control my feelings and emotions. I feel so alone, worthless and confused. I do not know what to do. I Have been severely wronged at work by being assaulted for standing up to a bully. I was not rude and did not swear. All I asked was for him to stop with his horrible comments about me. I am confused why the company never sacked the guy. Also I feel very let down by the people who witnessed including a supervisor. They all failed to give a statement to the Police. I have to go to work now know one talks to me. I am made to feel I am the problem. I realise now my who live around being abused whether by my parents, social services, people who I meet and now my colleagues and employers. Maybe it’s me, maybe let them. All I know I can’t take it know more. I just want to go to sleep.

        1. You know what Clive. I see some change in this post. You feel confused but this one is different because there is more self awareness and openness to changing yourself. You can’t change others right? But you can change yourself and sometimes when you do that, others react differently towards you. So no need to kill yourself today because you are onto something. A glimmer, however brief, of hope. You have made a huge breakthrough here.

          Now how do you start to know how to change you? Because that’s what really matters right? You can actually print your response here and maybe a therapist or support group could help? Maybe you write something for this site like your comment above and have people who also suffer as you do tell you what worked or is working for them. Just some thoughts but you are making progress. Did you realize that? Progress is often hard work and painful but it has a reward. I hope you stick around for the reward part.

    2. Clive I feel that every day I feel no way out it’s killing me inside that knowing I’m feeling this way my son who will be there for him it’s all about regrets about my past I hope my son will be looked after sorry you too feel this way as it’s the easy way out as one says but it’s not the answer is it I lost my sister and dad I’m in a lot of pain suicide that’s the only answer for me

          1. Anne moss rogres what a story i still now feel suicidal ive had to call the Samaritans they are 💯i cry my eyes out so sad i look at my son who i love so much as i never had a family was in social services care as my birth mother left me 6 weeks old AND 4 sisters we had a abusive childhood memories of the dark times i see my sister who died of cancer 39 years old i want to be with her i caint go on any more i hope theres a place for me but they say if you take YOUR own LIFE you go to hell i dont want that but maybe my punishment for taking my own life as Clive said enough is enough theres ppl suffering all over the world and me writing my last letter until i die…….

            1. Wow. People are so harsh. And I am so sorry you feel such intense emotional pain. Does it help to talk about it? And I understand how hard that must be. So you have lost a child. I know how that hurts. We know nothing really about what happens when we die. People think they know but we really do not. I wish I could tell you something.

              But Here is what I can say. Thank you for opening up and telling your story. It’s important. Important to others who come here. So they know they are not alone in those experiences. I am part of a trauma network focused on prevention and for treating Kids Early who have been exposed to the kind of trauma you lived. My hats off to you for still staying with us and having the courage to talk about it here. I am truly honored.

          2. Your not alone thank you such a loving site and ive got 100%respect for ann moss rogers beautiful lady and person XxXxX you ❤❤your the best you have kept me goin a few more weeks and that means the world to me your ace thank you god bless and your a top person so caring and understanding xxxxxxxx

            1. That is so sweet. You made my day. No, you made my year. You simply suffer from a wicked disease that makes your brain think you are not worthwhile. I believe in you. I believe you are worth it. I am always amazed at moms who raise special needs child. It takes a special person and I know you don’t get much support. I am also proud of you for continuing to return. I think you want to live, it’s just that living hurts right now. I won’t give up on you.

              1. Im. Still here ann but near the end i can see it will be here sooner raher than later im stressed out every day and i just feel like giving up now the longer im here it is gettin worser i just want to give up ive had enough now ive sat and thought about how to commit suicide by no pain i caint snap out of this i feel so so sad that theres ppl dying SUFFERING from EVERY day but y am i writing this i just want to end my life I’m in a dark place 💔

  62. Thank you for your kind words. I am still here to try and fight. I have been fighting this horrible evil in me all my life.

  63. I came to this by accident. On my phone, trying to find a way out of this hell I can no longer bear and tapped this link instead of another. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I’m not sure where one goes after suicide but if I see him, I’ll be sure to tell him that he’s missed. Bless you.

    1. I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope you’ll give life another chance. Please check in later and let me know you are still with us. It’s people like you that will help us connect with each other again. We need you.

  64. Hi, I don’t know why I am writing this or what for but I wanted to comment.. your son is very talented and seems like a very special person. I am a similar age, i’m 23, and I didn’t even realise myself that I was contemplating suicide until I typed the name of this article on to google… I am in so much pain, and I don’t believe I’ll ever feel better, I can’t imagine a future for myself I can’t imagine me getting older and it scares me. I’ve never said these words out loud before, but I wanted to after reading all of this.

    1. Thank you for commenting Hannah. I think during that brain attack known as suicidal ideation its natural to feel like there is no future. Please reach out for help. Because there is help. There is hope. If I can survive the most devastating loss of my life I promise you can find hope. Please don’t give up and I love that you had the guts to comment. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

      1. You know I’ve been in this fog sort of Feeling for over a year and just looking over my life on how badly I hate it. Some things in life aren’t meant to be, such as me living. The emotion I am in causes deep hatred within me and makes me wanna become a ghost. Nothing matters anymore and nothing will ever matter anymore. life has been nothing but a joke with me and I am ready to end it.

        1. Rick- I am so sorry you feel that way. The first year after my son died, I didn’t know how to go on or if I would ever experience joy again. I did seek help. What worked for me was group therapy. I found support groups. I did take medication and the two together eventually got me on track. When you feel so low, it’s so hard to see past that. I do hope you ask for help. I know that takes a lot of courage to do so.

  65. I googled how to hang yourself because im on so much pain everyday and im just not excited about anything anymore. I really felt strong in finding away to end it tonight but find myself crying and ashamed . Thank you .

    1. Tom, this is why Anne Moss lives and breathes these days–to reach out and connect with people just like you. Please consider taking up her offer and writing to her. Your experience has meaning and value. YOU have great value. ❤️

    2. I really can not take anymore pain. I can not see a way out. I have been suffering like this my entire life. I am in my 40s. I have tried doing everything right. I follow the law and have morals. Nothing ever goes right. I do not fit it anywhere, in society or at work. Everything is just my fault. I have suffered abuse from very early childhood and it seems to continue even now. I think death is the only way that can erase my pain.

      1. Clive- I am so sorry. Such agonizing emotional pain. I know working through all this must seem like an insurmountable chore. Depression, I am guessing. You took a courageous step here to comment. So I will ask if you have asked for help before? I hope you will do that.

        1. Thank you for replying. I am currently in group therapy for one session a week. This is coming to a close as it is only a year long course. I do not feel brave, in fact I feel very weak physically and mentally. I really do not think I can go on with this pain any more. I know I am going to leave behind my partner and children. They will be much better off without me around. I won’t have to wake up every day dreading no one ever again…

          1. Thank you for replying to me. I don’t think once a week group is quite enough help for you at this time. Typically, in my experience, it takes therapy and medication. And maybe more therapy at first. I’m not a mental health professional but I care about people. I care about you.

            Actually it is brave to comment. I am actually honored that you trusted me enough after reading this to comment. Hundreds come by this post every month and they do not comment at all. But you did. That takes guts so I think you are actually on the right path to finding the courage to take it just one more step further. People like you, deep feelers, are important because you see into the souls of others. You are actually just the kind of person that will help us develop a more caring culture. We really can’t accomplish this without people like you.

            Besides that, it’s thoughtful to comment on this post. Maybe you don’t know this but when you comment here, you help me, too. It means a lot to me. It’s hard to explain why but maybe it’s because I feel like you have in some way connected with the darkness my son felt. But while I feel badly for you there is something special about it that gives me hope. It means you are alive now and didn’t follow through. That maybe my boy had something to do with that. So thank you.

            I will ask a favor of you. You say “I know I am going to leave behind my partner and children. They will be much better off without me around.” Maybe it’s not fair to assume what they think? Maybe you should mention to them what you are thinking and let them tell you what they think.

            I know how painful it was for me finding out how my son felt AFTER his suicide. I didn’t know. I bet they don’t either. You could start by telling them you were googling the phrase and found this post. If they are anything like me, they will suffer a great deal if you are gone. A suicide loss is really like no other. Right now you need help finding a way out of that emotional pain. That’s OK. I needed help coping with my son’s death. I still do and I make sure I have that support. I tell someone when I need help. Sometimes that has involved medication, too.

            So some thoughts to summarize:
            • Talk to your partner if you can.
            • I have an article that might help you here on what to say or what to write in a letter. It says for teens but it could work for anyone (
            • Call someone in your group or the therapist that runs it

            Thank you for still being here today. Right now. It means you are trying.

          2. Clive, I don’t know what you’re suffering with that is making you feel suicidial. We want you to live despite you feeling pain and hurt. You’re irreplaceable and no one is like you. Suicide isn’t the answer, but love/charity is. Don’t given into defeat. Please don’t give up.

            1. I nearly gave up today. I have really have had enough of how I feel. My parents abused me, Social Services abused me and failed me. My colleagues have abused me now my Employers have abused me. I am so confused and lonely right now. What ever I do is never right. I feel so ashamed and guilty. My partner said to me last night that my 7 year old son is starting to be like me in the way he feels and is copying me. I really have had enough…. over 40 years of pain.!

              1. Clive I am so sorry. I’m sure Michael will log in and reply, too. All those painful feelings must be so hard to process. And overwhelming, too. But I’m so glad you are still with us. And I am going to bet your 7 year old is, too. What courage it took to comment today. To reach out to us in your darkest hour. That’s pretty amazing.

  66. I’ve been reading this blog since last Sunday when I came across it googling the exact same thing as the heading of this post.
    I don’t want this comment to be about me really. I wanted to say that I think your son is an amazing person. He is extremely talented. I watched this video of him above and it gave me chills, goosebumps, & it made me cry, a lot. It made me cry for 4 hours straight reading the posts here. He is oozing with passion & emotion & you can just *feel* the pain & heartache he expresses with his poem & it is so so powerful. I can tell you are honored to be his mother, & you should be.
    I find the posts and writing here to be quite moving. I am impressed with how you let it all out, not even afraid to question your own beliefs and it seems like you don’t even pretend to assume. It is raw, naked like you say, and brutally honest.
    I personally struggle with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, & addiction. I have been off of heroin since December 2014, traditional “recovery” never worked for me but ive been in therapy for almost 5 years & really thats what saved me. It is a battle everyday. I am so much better sober but yet the depression/anxiety still take me to the edge. I have been dealing with this for a long time. I am not some big success story. I really don’t know if I can do it forever. I have 2 young kids that help but sometimes…I’m ashamed to say, not even they can keep the darkness from haunting me. I apologize for writing about myself, I did because I just wanted to say I know what your son, that special young man, your boy Charles was going through. I have an understanding & empathy for you & him & your family & I just wanted you to know that.
    You have changed the way I think of my darkness, my ideation. I never once thought of it as a “brain pain attack” though that’s exactly right. I experience it in cycles and exactly, it’s ebbs & flows in intensity. Today I’m ok enough to want to try & fight another day, to comment here & let you know that you made an impact on this small speck of a persons point of view. I think this place is special. Like your boy. I’m going to keep checking in here when I feel despair.
    Thank you. Matt

    1. Oh Matt. I’m crying as I type this. I can barely breathe I am so thankful. I’ll take that “one more day.” All we can ask. I am even more thankful you wrote the comment that you did.

      I previously had something else on the page but a young man in California who suffers suicidal thoughts wrote me an email that Charles saved his life one night and so I put the videos that young man watched on this page based on what he said helped him.

      I am so sorry you suffer from the insidious disease of addiction. It is truly awful but I can tell you that these days I work side by side with people who have found recovery from all you have listed above and they are the most beautiful and passionate people I have ever had the honor to work with. It took a lot of support from family and friends. It took acceptance of addiction as a disease. In at least one case, the gentleman did not have any of that but found recovery and a job after multiple felonies.

      I actually think depression is a gift. Although awful, too, you have gifts that others don’t have and I hope you know that. You can see into the souls of others. And I truly believe it is the soulful people who suffer mental illness that will drag us out of this opiate crisis. Nothing is more valuable to human survival than lived experience.

      1. Your son was such a beautiful, talented soul. It really makes me wish I had gotten the opportunity to know him or at least cross paths with him in some way. I was researching ways to hang myself and came across your site.
        I have dealt with depression my whole life, as well as obsessive suicidal thoughts. I’ve mentioned it to a couple of family members, but they don’t know what to do or how to make me happy. Truth is, we’re all responsible for our own happiness. I just can’t seem to figure out what that means for me.
        I live with my mom still, and feel like a complete loser and total failure. The grown man living in his mom’s basement that you hear people joke about so often. I work full time, but simply don’t make enough money to live on my own. Our relationship, while once very close, has been destroyed by my disease.
        I know a lot people may read these posts and see it as bitching and whining about how we fucked up and we all hate our lives and desperately want to die. I disagree, I think everyone on here wants to live! To turn their lives around and be one of those amazing come back stories. I know I don’t want to go out a failure, leaving a big mess behind me.
        But there is no denying, I feel the life force ebbing from my soul. I’m stuck! And the more I hit the gas, it seems the more stuck I become. While I know it will devastate my family, and that is not my intention. I don’t want to me a Martyr, i do not romanticize the thought of taking my life. The pain is real! The suffering is real! And there is only so much a human being can take.
        It’s clear to me, why your son was so beautiful inside and out. I can’t imagine your pain. But your courage is amazing. Trying to help others with your story, just listening, without judgment.

        1. What a thoughtful and beautifully written comment. Definitely one for my hall of fame, Gene. My brother’s name is Gene and it was also my grandfather’s name. I know you are right. Everyone here wants to live and turn things around. But those brain attacks are brutal and it’s another stab to your soul when they hit. They are exhausting and unfair and it makes me so mad that people suffer from them. My son did as you know. He was amazing. Let’s start with the good parts. One, you have a job and you have a family who loves you. Not to say that that makes those thoughts go away. You could be stinking rich sitting on a beautiful tropical island and your brain would turn against you and make you feel worthless. I saw that in my son’s music, too. He couldn’t figure out why someone surrounded with so much love would feel as he did. So I get what you are saying. I’m just glad you have that because to dig yourself out of your mental pain, that is important.

          For me and my grief, I had to start with telling myself I would survive. I had to find help. I had to find a support group which I did. Surprisingly, this site helped me find hundreds of thousands who were hurting like I was. That helped me. I know there is something inside you that can help you take that first step. Just one step to try and help yourself. I don’t know what it is but it’s there. And damn you are a very talented writer and express yourself so well. And this isn’t even edited but straight from your heart. Thank you for leaving the comment. Taking the time to say such sweet things about my son. And trusting me with your story. you are welcome to continue the conversation

          1. I don’t want to hurt my family Anne. I can’t stop crying some days, because I’m in the blackest of tunnels and see no way out.

            I know your son never wanted to cause you pain, he just wanted his to stop. I immediately identify with everybody on here. Your son was gifted, I have yet to figure out my god given talent.

            I’ve been in a mental facility and on medication my whole life. I’ll never go back to a hospital, it was a horrible for me. I don’t want to discourage anybody else from seeing that as an alternate path to get some relief. Every person is different as is every hospital.

            I’m one of 9 ,the 7th child. Robert f Kennedy was also the 7th of 9 children. He said you had to he tough, or it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle. I definitely got lost.

            I know you hear this a lot, but death seems like an escape hatch for me at this point. I honestly don’t see how I can turn this around.

            One of my favorite poems is from Aeschylus
            “And even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of god”
            I don’t know about the wisdom part, but I dedicate that to you and the memory of your son Charles.

            1. You definitely need a friend. Everyone needs that. And you deserve it. I do have confidence you can do it. And I feel the weight of your pain so it feels like it will never happen. I had to start with one single step. I couldn’t think past one step the world was so heavy. So I laser focused on one and for me that was a support group. It took everything I had and the first support group said they didn’t have room! But I kept at it. Everyone is different but I just dove in there. I can’t help but go back to your writing. Do you write often? I would actually love for you to write something for this blog. But I don’t want to put you on the spot. Do you keep a journal at all? You are clearly very intelligent. If you left, you’d take that talent with you. We’d be such a boring place if we didn’t have writers like you who could express their feelings with such eloquence, empathy, and grace.

              1. I would love to Contribute to your blog if you feel I would have something to offer. I sporadically kept a journal, but nothing consistent.

                1. First, I thought of you this morning and hoped you were still here. So just know I am relieved.

                  Your first comment is the place to start with a post. It’s very real. Tell my followers how you found the site and start with that part. Let us know what part of the world you are from (no addresses necessary just state or country). I will email you directly. Or you can use this link. I want you to share your story and feel the support I have gotten. Plus I’ve noticed that the posts are indexed in google and offer hope to that person who is struggling as you have. And posts from those who suffer help my parents who follow the blog understand the brain attack known as suicidal ideation.

                  Thank you, Gene. We will just use your first name and I’ll pull a quote or find a relevant picture. you don’t have to send a picture of yourself although you can if you want. It’s not necessary or a requirement.

                  Writing has helped me. Over 1,500 pages written since my son’s death and that has helped.

  67. The pain from what he saw resonates, in me, a memory. I understand. Wrapping him and you in Love, Anne. Sharing.

  68. Whitten hung himself too. I clearly see that written on the death certificate. Hanging.
    Love you Anne Moss. We are kindred spirits.

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