How to hang yourself

Link to the How To Hang Yourself video: https://youtu.be/s2f2nQhqdNI

I hope you give this video just 51 seconds of your time. I am so sorry you feel so badly you are looking up how to hang yourself. My son,  Charles, looked up this phrase, too.

He suffered from depression and an addiction to heroin and died by suicide. People who were hurting as much as you are have told me the videos below helped them. They are from my son’s hurting soul.

I miss him every single day. If you comment below, I will answer.

Guides on how to tell someone

Crisis Lines and Prevention Lifelines

Overcoming fears and myths about crisis lines. Legit information here.

USA 988
USA & Canada Crisis Text 741-741
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline for Veterans 1-800-273-8255, press 1

USA Veteran’s Text line send HELP to 838-255

USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566

USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255

Reach out to the Crisis Text Line through Facebook

UK 116 123
UK Shout 85258 (Crisis Text Line for England, Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland)
AUSTRALIA Crisis Line 13 11 14
CANADA Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
CANADA TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

Suicide Hotlines UK | UK crisis text 85258 | Ireland crisis text 50808

The best part about communication with this crisis line over Facebook is that your information is encrypted and anonymized.

List of Suicide prevention lifelines for other countries

Everyone who has done the dunking of the face in ice-cold water had told me it worked to alleviate the crisis (some said they had to do it at least twice.)

Other Resources:

Because suicidal thoughts are treatable, here are resources that have helped others.

Safety Plans

  • My Suicide Safety Plan (source: Dr. Tracey Marks)
  • Suicide Safety Plan Template
  • Example of a safety plan that is filled in
  • Example of a safety plan card that you can do yourself. While it’s not a replacement for therapy or a suicide assessment and safety plan, it has the elements of one. Carry it with you in a pocket and look at it 3X a day when you are struggling. You may not be able to identify “Reason’s for living” right now. But write it down “reasons for living” because it will come to you. These are what’s important to you. It can also be a memory.

Podcast for men who struggle with suicide

Articles, Videos, Self-Harm Help:

Self-Help Books

To find versions of these in countries outside the USA, search your amazon by the title.

Highly recommended book. Click the book picture to get your free Kindle version. $4.99 in paperback in the USA. If you are in another country, go to your amazon and paste “How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life.”

By Susan Rose Blauner: A survivor of multiple suicide attempts, the author eloquently describes the feelings and fantasies surrounding suicide. In a direct, nonjudgmental, and loving voice, she offers affirmations and suggestions for those experiencing life-ending thoughts, and for their friends and family.

By Kathryn Hope Gordon, PhD: When you’re suffering, life’s challenges can feel overwhelming and even insurmountable. This workbook helps you find relief and solutions when suicidal thoughts take over.

By Sally Spencer Thomas, Sarah W. Gaer and Frank King: This is volume one of a book series akin to a “Chicken Soup for the Man’s Soul.” Here are stories of mental health challenges of men, written by men, for men in similar circumstances – inspiring stories of resilience, recovery, and transformation. Includes a workbook.
I miss my little bugger

USA Suicide & Crisis Lifeline call 988
USA Crisis Text 741-741
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for Veterans call 988, press 1
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth, call 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline call, 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline & Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 988
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

Published by

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a mental health and suicide education expert, mental health speaker, suicide prevention trainer and consultant. She is author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW. She raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost her younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. She is a motivational speaker who empowers by educating and provides life saving strategies and emotionally healthy coping skills. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now that's the legacy she carries forward in her son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website.

1,298 thoughts on “How to hang yourself”

  1. First off, I’m sorry that you who had seen so much pain through suicide is the one who is reading our comments. I want you to know, I am thankful that you have given me an avenue to leave this note. I have talked to the suicide hotline. I’ve left anonymous notes in various places on the Internet. It helps in the moment to discuss with somebody who might actually care.

    I messed up school.
    I messed up my marriage. Although, I would argue he messed it up first. Whose fault though? That doesn’t matter. He just doesn’t like me. He is passive aggressive, never smiles, and blames me for everything that goes wrong. If I say anything he says it’s because I don’t like him. If I apologize because I’m stepping on eggshells he again tells me that I just hate him.
    I was dangerously sick for a month and I still am recovering. I learned none of my coworkers or friends really care based on how absent they were.
    My husband took care of me through that time but he is so passive aggressive. It feels like it’s an obligation for him.
    My brother is cruel and I can’t believe I thought he loved me. His wife is not much better. My niece will never know me.
    I have a few close people online but since few in my real life care about me I’m hesitant to think they actually do either. Everyone will be fine after a while once I leave.

    Hanging seems like the best option. Least messy. If I go high enough there will be no issues with failing. I’ve been thinking there must be a tall tree in the woods somewhere for a few months now. But now I’m looking at this electric tower in my backyard. I don’t want to do my life anymore.

    The only things stopping me are my responsibilities to my kids. My oldest was in a school shooting but she’s physically ok. Obviously there are some PTSD things from that. My son is depressed and his best friend has been mean. I know my absence will hurt them and my dog.

    Seriously though. Fuck me. I don’t want to exist anymore.

    1. I was traveling and read this but my answer did not post and for that I am so sorry! I guess airport wifi doesn’t always work. I remember when my son died by suicide and everyone was strangely absent. Like nowhere to be found. That feeling was awful. Turns out they didn’t know what to say and said they thought I wanted to be alone when in reality it was fear. They couldn’t fix this. And I suspect that’s the same with your co-workers. They don’t know what to do. I’m not excusing them. But just sharing what I’ve learned. I also have a cruel brother who is a narcissistand has a lot of brain damage from decades of drug use. I can relate there and I’m sorry. I am always jealous of other’s relationships with their siblings.

      Tell me more about your kids since you mentioned them. And a school shooting. That’s awful….

  2. This page isn’t a guide and I’ve told no-one how i feel. i’m just seeking a method. No words can change this. Can someone offer practical advice?

    1. J- All I can say is that I’m sorry for the brain pain that brought you to this page and pushing you towards suicide. I can’t fix any of it. But I just want you to know that I hear you.

  3. What if your already told your loves your friends your doctors and God? What if you feel like you need to do it just to prove to everyone how much pain you are really in?

    1. Oh my gosh you told them and they didn’t take you seriously? Or they just didn’t know what to do? Holy crap I’m so sorry. You are suffering, you asked for help and you haven’t gotten it. I am so sorry. I’m not sure where you live so I’m going to base this on the USA. Here are some thoughts.

      1. If you are in the USA, you can call a county hotline (most counties have a crisis line) tell them you’ve had suicidal thoughts and they’ll usually give you a suicide risk assessment and give you next steps.
      2. You can go to the Emergency Room and tell them you are struggling with suicidal thoughts
      3. Or choose someone with whom you can call the county crisis line together (Or 988. Or 741-741)
      4. Let me know how you are doing.

  4. i hope you dont get responces to this post often but i just wanted to say thank you for helping me cry. i’ve been spending the whole day feeling like total shit and the last week preparing to hang myself. i’ve just been debating if i’ll let anyone get in my way… so i havent brought it up. i cant put this on my partner and i cant talk to my parents but i just havent been able to cry for a few days so- thank you. and i’ve read through alot of the comments on this post and just want to say ur a genuinely kind person who deserves nothing about the best and im so sorry about your son. if it helps in any way just know if he felt at all like i have he was so greatful for ever day you had together.

    1. How lonely and isolated you had to have felt this past week or more. I feel so honored and touched that the numbness wore off and you were able to feel your feelings and let it all out with a cry. For me a all out sob really helps. Thanks for your kind words. I am very grateful for all the days I had with Charles. I did stay home and freelance while I raised him and I treasure that time I had with hin.

      What’s been going on with you? Have you felt this way before? And how are you today?

  5. I am 25 weeks and 5 days into my first pregnancy with a baby girl.
    I can’t give her the life she deserves, and I am a burden to everyone else around me.
    My partner is constantly telling me how awful I am and threatening to take our baby from me. I caught myself googling if there was a way to save my baby if I were to commit suicide and unfortunately that’s not possible. I don’t have work right now because there’s not enough snow in the mountains and my partner hasn’t had a job in a over two years and still continues to struggle to find one. The house we live in has sold so we have to move, but the prices of rent have gone up so much that I can’t even afford to rent a room in a shared house.
    Everytime I hear of a suicide I think that there had to have been some other way, but with how life has been going, the terror and uncertainty and especially the thought being responsible for someone who is completely helpless makes me feel like there is two ways out, quick and painless or down a road of immense suffering.

    I was struggling to arrange a power cord in my car to end my life when I googled “how to hang myself” I found your blog and it made me stop and read your story.. I don’t know the love a mother can have for her child yet but I really want to.

    I don’t know where I’m going with this really, but thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. I guess that’s what I’m doing here too. It’s nice to get it out.

    1. I’m in tears right now. While I didn’t have going on all that you have right now, I suffered terribly with perinatal depression. It’s the only time in my life I have had depression and it was only with my second pregnancy. While I didn’t get to the place of wanting to end it since I wasn’t in the same situation (who knows if I would have been or not) it was very hard. I will say that after he was born it went away right away. That was so weird.

      I’ll start with, holy cow that is a lot and I can see why you are feeling in despair. I think anyone would struggle in these circumstances. My household help was in a similar situation (her husband was a member of a mob). She did get away because in her situation her life was at risk.

      Your partner is obviously struggling. Feeling the effects of being unwanted and the pressure of not being a provider at a time when that is important which is leaking out as anger and lashing out and you making you feel inadequate. Those who feel inadequate often want others to feel as they do. And men express their own depression with anger and lashing out unfortunately. I’m so sorry.

      You have been considering one option only and there are likely more first steps you can take. And I think you don’t want to die and lose two lives either. That’s what I’m hearing.

      So let’s think of ONE first step for you because this situation is unsustainable. Can we explore that? So some quick thoughts would be, do you have one trusted adult you could talk to? From there you can figure out where to go or what to do next. One step. That’s all. We’re not going to solve it all. We’re just trying to figure out one friend or loved one like a parent whom you trust.

  6. I had black tought after being bullied
    When i failed at school, ashamed of what my father would think of me… i wanted to be a great man like him.
    I “tested life” with a shotgun.
    15 years later im now a dad, a 4yo and a 5yo boy but the hooded death is still always around me.
    I hung myself by curiosity, i was gonna passout after 6-7 sec, i didn’t want to die that time but a few months later when my life collapsed, when noone was home, i said goodbye to my dog ( l she looked like she knew it..)
    Not able to die and suffering for 5minutes while the hooded death was laughing at me.
    This was last christmas, my rope is calling for me again…
    Being a dad is that one thing preventing me from doing it, i don’t know for how long but i just don’t want to ruin my kids life.

    1. Oh Marc that has to be so hard. Knowing that you want to die and feeling obligated to live because of your boys who love you. First, I want you to know it’s OK to be obligated to live until you want to live. And I do understand that can’t last forever and that you are miserable.

      • Can you tell me more about what you think might be the root cause of your suicidal thoughts? Mental health condition, trauma in your past, head injury, organ transplant, just born that way because it’s always been in your head as a menu item…..
      • Can you tell me about the recent bullying? (it seems even as adults we can’t get away from that one)
      • And since you mentioned them, tell me one thing about your boys that is special.
      1. Thank you for being so quick, it relieves me to just write it down.

        The bullying is “just” childhood trauma, as for my current state, its about my ex who has been cheating on me for years, im not with her anymore since 2020 but the flashback still comeback when im vulnerable (in my head).

        Yesterday, i said goodbye to a women i saved 2 years ago, its also the only women whom ive been able to develop feeling for since my breakup, even if i was nothing more than a friend to her.

        I’ll see my boys in 2 days, little blond monsters but i care about them..

        1. Oh my gosh you really do have a lot of ongoing trauma, Marc. No wonder you feel such despair. And to be separated from your little “blonde monsters” can’t be easy either.

          Cheating is the ultimate slap to one’s self esteem. The agony from that alone is so hard. And 2020 just isn’t that long ago.

          When you said “goodbye” to this other woman does that mean she left town, you broke up or she died…by suicide? Either way it sounds as if she is not in your life and that grief weighs. Do clarify so I fully understand where you are.

          I’m glad writing it helped to let it out and allowed it to start processing. Writing does that for me, too.

    1. Trust me I’ve felt like that and sometimes still do, but remember the world would be far less amazing if you didn’t exist in it you are strong you reached out there is always someone willing to help you when you hold put your hand x

  7. why there is no process to hang in the blog. i am searching some home process to hang myself i can’t go to the shop and buy a rope cause i am blind and i don’t have confidence to walk independently to hang and i don’t have belt also. i could also not find any perfect place on my house to hang myself there is a fan but i don’t know it could handle my weight or not. few weeks ago someone in my country hung himself in the stairs i think i should try that but i don’t know how he do that. i wish that my parents would have killed me when i was born by putting the pillow on my mouth. no confidence to walk, no confidence to eat infront of others, no confidence to talk, no confidence to be independent, no friends. why death don’t come to me i wish i could just donate this life to others who actually want to live and go away.

  8. Is it harder on a family when someone dies by suicide rather than natural causes? Does it make a difference?

    1. It’s hard to lose a child, period. I would say that a death by suicide is a more complex grief. We struggle so much with the fact that the child who died didn’t love us enough to stay. Every single day for years we blame ourselves. I can only speak for myself here. But I lost it when they told me my son was dead. The news that it was a suicide was like an extra twist of the knife. I don’t tell you that to “guilt” you out of suicide. Because that never works. But I decided to be honest and just share that with you. It helped to talk to people with lived experience to try and understand the thoughts people suffer with. But the truth is I don’t think my son wanted to die. He wanted to stop the pain. And somehow his brain told him that he needed to die and we didn’t care. I have never been through something so hard. I didn’t want to get out of bed for three years. I didn’t want to move forward. I admit I felt betrayed sometimes. Like why wasn’t my love enough. Why weren’t we a good enough reason to stay. Why didn’t he tell me. I’ll stop now.

      1. I reached out to the 988 text line yesterday, and it took 30 minutes for any reply. I’m not complaining. I just wish they had more funding or whatever they need. It saves lives but only if it works.

        1. Holy cow. Thanks for the info. That’s a long wait. Have you ever tried 741-741? I am wondering if that has a long wait. I would want to “talk” to someone though. I appreciate that you took that step. And thank you for allowing me to be open. I was nervous about it.

            1. I am real. I understand why you’d ask that though. I’m trying to think how I can prove I’m real and not a bot. But I started this blog after my son’s death by suicide. I wouldn’t let a bot answer these questions for anything. And I’ve probably answered about 10,000 comments here, on social media, and YouTube in the last 8 years. Sometimes I wonder if the comments are real!

  9. My medication ran out on Tuesday, so that probably didn’t help. My mum phoned the chemist last Friday to order more, which normally takes 48 hours but they weren’t ready to be collected until yesterday.

  10. Hi hun, hope you are well? Just thought I would check in & give you an update on how everything’s been going since my last post.

    On Sunday, the suicidal thoughts returned & although I acknowledge that recovery isn’t linear, I’m disappointed with myself for slipping back into that dark place & not engaging with my coping strategies prior to them surfacing, on a more positive note I’m still 100% committed to recovery & hope to get back on track this week.

    1. You are smart to recognize that recovery is not linear and it may be that you have to learn to live with some suicidal thoughts. It is that way for some. The progress you have made is remarkable and it’s ok to lapse and fight back. Thank you for the update. I was wondering just today how you were doing.

      1. What I’ve learned about recovery is that I may never be completely cured, that these thoughts don’t always go away but that’s ok because I’m stronger than it is, I know I can make it, I know I have the strength to save myself.

        1. You are all that and more my dear. I realized the other day we’ve been communicating for two years! What progress you’ve made in that time. So many discoveries about yourself and what you are capable of which is far more than you thought at the start.

              1. Thanks hun 🥺❤️ I’m really struggling at the moment, I feel depressed & the suicidal thoughts are so bad that they have taken on in the form of visualisations.

                  1. They are very common when I’m in the middle of a suicidal episode & can be very distressing as they often appear out of nowhere & I can find it very difficult not to act them out.

        2. Im sorry for your loss.
          I feel like it’s too much pain and stress and fighting and always trying and hurting. The world mightn’t be better off without but the pain and always darkness is a way out to ending.

      1. Don’t worry about it love, I’m just glad to hear from you & know that you are ok, I did mean to get in touch but I’ve just been so caught up in trying to stabilise my mental health, that I forgot, please forgive me! xxx

          1. Thank you for always being so understanding hun! Since the last time we spoke, my suicidal thoughts have decreased significantly & for the first time in years my mental health is at the most stable it’s ever been.

              1. Remember when we made my ‘safety plan’ together, I would say my coping strategies didn’t work? That was because I wasn’t using them, now I feel more committed towards my recovery & keeping those thoughts at bay, I can see how important it is for me not to let myself get to crisis point before using them & how beneficial they are to my mental health.

                  1. I couldn’t have made this possible without your unconditional love & support Anne, I am forever grateful to have you in my life.

                    1. Same. I have learned and continue to learn as a result of our friendship. Thank you for your patience and explaining things to me in detail so I understand from your point of view.

  11. I was angry that this was not what I looked up and then i dont feel angry any more but somehow.. i don’t know differnt.

  12. Glad to hear you think I’ve made progress. I hope so, but now I’ve had another bad day. When I walk with my friend and her dog, we sometimes visit a lady who lives nearby. We sit in her garden, and the dogs play with each other. Today my friend told me that she has told that woman that I have ADHD and autism. I asked why, and she said that the woman had asked her why I don’t talk much. She had explained that I don’t always listen or pay attention to what other people say because of those diagnoses.

    I asked why she didn’t just say I was stupid. She said it’s not the same thing, and I know that, but my family says that’s what people think anyway, so it would be the same thing to say that. My family, especially my grandmother, has said that these diagnoses should be kept secret and that we should never tell anyone about them. Now I’m afraid that the other lady will think something bad about me because of this, and I’ll be embarrassed the next time we go to visit her. Actually, I would like to say that I don’t want to come at all.

    I don’t know why my friend told her because she has said before that she won’t tell anyone about my personal things. I don’t know if I should be mad at her and if I can trust her anymore. And of course now those doubts started again. I asked her again if she had changed her mind or if she would still be sad if I died. She said again that she wants me to be alive. But I don’t understand why she did it because according to my family it’s really one of the worst things to say.

    1. Elon Musk is adhd and in the spectrum. We call this neurodiverse and no one thinks he is dumb. Your grandma is old fashioned. Back in her day they didn’t talk about breast cancer either. But once we opened up the conversation of breast cancer, science, stepped in and there are more treatments and improved outcomes and more lives are saved as a result. more money is earmarked for breast cancer now too. Your neurodiversity is not something to be ashamed of. And I am more proud of your progress and how hard you are working to maintain a friendship than I was before.

      This friend of yours truly wants the best for you. our closest friends are not perfect, and we need to give them a little leeway when it comes to our relationships. Nobody is a perfect friend. But she’s as close to perfection as they come so I would suggest having a conversation with her about how this all felt to you.

      Don’t accuse her just explain your own behavior. For example, say “I struggled with your sharing my issues with this person and you mean a lot to me so I think we can talk about it.” Listen to what she has to say. Give her some grace because she deserves it. There is no motive for her to hurt you. You are as important to her as she is to you.

      1. Thanks for the advice. I already talked to her about it earlier, and she explained that she thinks differently than my relative. She said she thinks people can better understand why I am the way I am if they know about the diagnoses. I told her that my relative will be angry if she finds out about this. She said I don’t have to tell. But my relative always wants to know every little detail and doesn’t accept it if she isn’t told everything.

        It is often difficult for me to separate my own opinion from my relative’s. For example, now I don’t know what I really think about this, because my thoughts are based on my relative’s words. My friend has said many times that she is waiting for me to start telling my own opinion and not always say “because my relative said so.” I’m trying, but it’s hard.

        1. Just accept this will take time. Separating your thoughts from that of someone from another generation will not be easy but you are developing your own self. No accomplishment is without some pain. Grandma is great but she is invasive and probably from so many years of being a strong support person in your life. But you are not obligated to share everything with her. Your grandmother will have to accept that you are growing up and developing into your own being.

          I am so amazed you have already discussed this with your friend. Good for you, Lydia. Hardly anyone does that. I will say that is an advantage of having a neurodiverse friend. With those friends I never have to worry because those friends are very direct and I like that.

          I see that you are already aware of the differences of how you think sometimes and how grandma thinks. And it’s causing conflict within yourself which is natural. You are in the process. I guess that is the progress I’m seeing now.

          1. Thanks for your answer. Unfortunately, I feel like even my friend doesn’t really understand what I’m trying to say.

            When we went for a walk, I had planned that this time I would NOT ask the same question. But she started talking about it herself. She said she thought I should talk to a psychiatrist because it’s not normal to think that no one would miss me if I died. She said that the desire to live cannot be based on what others think, that desire should be there even if no one else says anything. But it doesn’t work that way for me, and I don’t understand why she said earlier that I should think about how she would feel if I died. Why should I think about it if it doesn’t matter at all (if only my own desire matters)?

            I don’t want to die. I just want to hear that someone cares, really cares, and the only way to be sure is to ask if they would miss me if I died. I’ve been doing the same thing since I was a kid, but no one ever understood. Everyone told me to tell the doctor. No one has understood that I just want to hear that someone cares. That’s enough. Why doesn’t anyone understand? And I’m tired of talking about death. We used to talk about dogs and good things, and then our walks made me happy. Now I cry almost after every walk and I don’t understand anything anymore.

            1. Oh man that is so hard. She is not educated about what suicide does to the mind. How it’s impossible to think of others when you think of yourself as a burden. She is just worried and trying to help you understand in the only way she knows how not understanding the suicidal mind. It took me years Lydia. And it was gracious souls like yourself who trusted me. That’s how I learned. (Thank you by the way) it was conversations just like this and I am still learning.

              So next time just say that you are tired of talking about death and want to talk about dogs. She does care a lot and that’s why she is stuck on the topic sure she can “talk you out of it” which is not the way it works. But the love is there and obvious and I hope that’s what you start to take from it. Those feelings will prevail likely if you are not getting treatment or they may dissipate over time.

              You are so lucky to have a friend to spend time with so often even if the conversation has been hard lately. A relationship like this is so worth weathering the more challenging times. I am here. You are progressing even if you don’t see it.

              1. Actually, I didn’t have to say that because she did it herself. She said she doesn’t want to talk about death because it’s such a horrible subject and it makes her sad (the exact same things I wrote you yesterday). She also said that sometimes it feels like an insult to her that I don’t believe what she says, but I always ask her again if she would miss me if I died.

                I tried to explain to her the same thing I explained to you, that I don’t mean that I really want to die, I just want to know that someone cares. I explained that question was the only way to be sure about it. She asked why. I explained that if I just asked “do you like me” and she said yes, that wouldn’t be enough. You can like anyone, but that doesn’t mean that person is really important to you. I explained that as a child I liked many of my teachers, for example, but I still didn’t miss them terribly when I didn’t see them anymore. I learned very quickly to live without them. It’s different to just like someone than to care so much that losing them feels bad. She still didn’t seem to understand, so maybe my explanation wasn’t good.

                She also said that she thinks it’s scary when I talk about death so “lightly”, as if it were an everyday thing. I said she does just that herself. She has said many times that if the neighbors don’t see her for a while, she might be dead in her house and eaten by her dogs. She said it’s a joke and that she can joke about death because she’s already old and lived most of her life. She said that she could really die at any time, but for a young person, that is not normal.

                I didn’t know how to answer her, but afterwards I thought about what I should have said. I don’t like thinking that she’s going to die, or listening to jokes like that either. It doesn’t depend on age, because if a loved one dies, it’s always sad regardless of age. She is also wrong when she says that no one needs her or that no one would miss her, except the dogs. I would miss her too. Do you think I can say those things to her or is that wrong (because she is old)? I don’t want to stop her from talking about it or joking if she wants to, because friends should be able to talk about everything. I just want her to know that I don’t like thinking about her death either and that I care about her too.

                  1. Once again, I don’t know what to do. I had my first big fight with her and she said I have to decide for myself if I want to go for a walk with her tomorrow or not. I know I hurt her with what I said, and I apologized, but I don’t think it helped. She said everything is fine now, but I don’t think so. I just don’t know how to behave properly. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t KNOW how, and therefore I can’t make things better. She said sometimes it feels like she’s trying to talk to a 3-year-old.

                    I would like to go tomorrow because she gets a new puppy today and I would like to get to know him right away. On the other hand, I don’t want to, because I want to protect her and also myself. She’s so important to me, but I don’t want that. I can’t stand it. No one should be important to me. If you never love, you don’t have to be afraid of losing, but if you love, you have to be afraid of it all the time. And when it happens, it hurts a lot. I know that because the friend of mine with Alzheimer’s died. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

                    I don’t know if this is worth it. All good things come to an end, this too, and that’s why I’d like to end it myself before then. Then it wouldn’t feel so bad. This has always happened to me, ever since I was little. I can have “superficial” friendships but not a real, true friend because closeness feels so dangerous. This sounds really stupid, but I’m always happy as long as I don’t have anyone. As soon as someone tries to care, I feel threatened, almost like my life is in danger.

                    1. I got your note. I responded. Of course you are going to go! It’s all about showing her you care about HER! Relationships are going to be challenging for you because of being in the spectrum. I am so proud of how much you have learned and grown with this friendship. Keep going. It’s worth it. And you can even tell her that it’s simply not obvious to you. You are neurodiverse and this is one of the challenges. Let me know how cute the puppies are! I gotta know.

      1. I tried to hang myself a few days ago but couldn’t even follow through with it because the ligature around my neck was causing me so much pain, all I want is to die in peace.

  13. Thank you. Today that lady already called me and said that I can go for a morning walk with her and her younger dog. I think in this situation it was best to let her contact me first when she was ready. It’s been nice talking to you, but I guess I won’t be commenting here for a while now. It’s because I’ve written quite a lot of personal things here and I don’t like everyone being able to read them. But maybe I’ll come back again sometime.

    1. Now I’m here again. Something strange happened to me one day. I think one person, the woman I often walk the dog with, somehow understood that sometimes I don’t want to live. I don’t know how that’s possible because I’ve never said it and I didn’t know what I would have answered her questions. She has already asked more than once.

      1. She is really connected to you! She wants to feel that you trust her enough to share your vulnerability. And she may have felt this way herself before. Clearly you mean a great deal to her. What did you say?

        1. It started when she said she was worried about me losing so much weight lately. It’s because of my ADHD meds because they take away my appetite and she said I should tell the doctor about it but I didn’t want to. Then she asked if I wanted to starve to death or if I didn’t care if I lived or died. She said that if I don’t want to live, there’s nothing she can do about it, but she would like to help make my life better.

          A couple of days ago she asked why I don’t care about myself or want to take care of myself. She asked why I would give up and if I was absolutely sure that my life had no value. I said I feel like no one cares. She asked if it wasn’t enough for me that she cared. I asked if she really meant it and she said yes.

          She said she would be sad and miss me if I died. She said, “Remember what I’m telling you now, you’re important to me and I don’t have many friends.” I said she is important to me too. The next day she gave me a heart necklace and today she explained that I wear that necklace so that I will always remember that she likes me. Then she said again that she would miss me if I died and that I am an important part of her days. I promised that if she really meant it, I would tell the doctor about the weight loss, and I did today.

          1. Oh Lydia I am in tears. This is great news that you had the courage to tell your doctor! I’m so proud of you. Was it hard to do? (By the way, I’m so sorry to have taken so long to answer.Traveling…)

            1. Yes, it was a little hard to do, but I did it anyway. The doctor said the weight loss is not dangerous yet but we have to keep an eye on it and that I don’t have to take the medicine every day but only when I have to study or work.

              I’ve been walking the dog with that woman almost every morning lately, and she’s said so many times that she cares, but I still find it so hard to believe. Sometimes I believe for a while, but if I make a mistake or we have a disagreement about something, I always start to doubt it again. I start to think she changed her mind and I can’t stop asking about it, even though I understand it must be annoying to have to answer the same question over and over again.

              I told her a couple of days ago that I don’t want to make her sad, and I meant it. I don’t want to, and that’s why I want to live, at least when I believe she means what she says. But often I just can’t believe it. Last time I asked her again if she had changed her mind. She said, “Don’t think like that, I’d miss you terribly, I’ve already lost my dog, I’d probably die of sadness.” But she still has her other dog and probably a new puppy soon, so why would she need me? Almost every time at the end of our walk, I ask the same question, and I want to stop before she gets really angry.

              1. The nature of suicidal thoughts makes you doubt her words during times when you are struggling with a suicidal episode. It’s the part of your brain that is trying to trick you and the part that wants you to live is also fighting which is why suicidal thoughts are so exhausting.

                You will probably continue to have these doubts but I have an idea. You can tell her you what I said above. Even read it to her so she understands that just having the conversation with her helps you to feel heard and say that often comes with needing a lot of validation.

                But I have an idea. What if you brought a piece of paper or better yet an index card, and asked her to write down how she feels about you. It needs only say something like “I care very much for Lydia. Her company makes my day.”

                Above that statement on the card, write “one of my reasons for living:”

                You fold it in half, put it in your pocket and keep it with you always. Also take a photo of it! Star the photo so you can find it later. With your phone

                That is one of your reasons to live so it’s important. And when you have those feelings of doubt bring out that paper with her handwriting and look at it. You may still have doubts at that point but the fact it’s written in her handwriting and you know she is not the lying type, it will have an effect. Let me know what you think.

                1. Thank you for your answer. I think that’s a good idea and could help. I’ll talk to her about it when I see her tomorrow.

  14. Some days I’m super happy, but other days I hate my life. I wish I was never born because nobody needs me and I’m stupid. That’s what I think today.

      1. Yes, that’s exactly how it is. Those episodes can be very short, sometimes even within the same day. For example, yesterday I was happy and excited about the future, and today I hate myself again and I am sure that I have no future.

          1. Thank you for your answer. That person described well how it feels, and it’s true that those episodes take a lot of energy. But I feel ashamed because the reasons that make me feel suicidal seem so stupid to me. For example, I know an old lady who has two dogs. She lives near my family, so I’ve known her since I was little. I really like those dogs, and one day I would like to get one myself.

            I often take them for walks with her, but sometimes I can’t go with them, if she has something else to do or she’s sick. Then my thoughts are like this: she hates me, EVERYONE hates me, my whole life is ruined, I never want to meet her or anyone else again, I should never have met her in the first place, I should never have been born… and so on. I may decide that I will never have anything to do with her again and that I should die. And then, the next time she calls and asks me for a walk, my life is suddenly great again and the disappointment is forgotten. This was just one example, and there are many similar cases. Often, if I haven’t eaten properly or if I’m too bored, I start thinking bad things, but the situation gets better after a good meal or after doing something nice. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s weird. My family thinks I’m just being dramatic, but right at that moment the desperate feeling is real, just like that super happy feeling at another moment.

            1. You’ve actually done a lot of work already here and I’ll point it out.

              #1 You have IDENTIFIED when you start to CATASTROPHIZE. And guess what? That is something that can be managed. You need only learn the skills to pause that behavior. So instead of catatrophizing you are using strategies to understand that what you are thinking is not fact-based but “made up in your mind.” And we all do it. The thing is your brain is wired to go into suicide mode so it’s very important you learn strategies to blunt the effect before it turns something simple into crisis. And you can go to a therapist but you can also find strategies for that on a good podcast! They are simple but I won’t say easy because any new habit is hard to break. So “just the facts” a DBT skill is one way to stop catastrophizing.

              I also use humor. So my older son didn’t answer my text a few years ago and by the time he answered, in my head he was dead in a ditch on the side of a road. He was really at movie and then went out with friends and didn’t look at his messages. So I’ve learned to say, “Is he really hooked up in ICU? Or is he probably out eating pizza with his buddies?”

              #2 “Often, if I haven’t eaten properly or if I’m too bored, I start thinking bad things, but the situation gets better after a good meal or after doing something nice.” So here are two great strategies you can use you simply need to identify them a little earlier so you can remedy the situation before it becomes a crisis. Again, this is doable.

              The issue is with your brain it goes to suicide like it’s always on the menu. And the trick is to lessen and find strategies that halt the issue BEFORE it becomes an emotional crisis that sets your brain in an “I’m worthless” mindset.

              Forget what your family thinks. They weren’t born with your brain. You were born with your brain. But your issues are treatable. And the goal would be to lessen how often you are having the thoughts so you are not left exhausted fighting them and therefore more vulnerable to them. Does that make any sense?

              1. Yes, I think that makes a lot of sense, and I’ve actually already tried to use the two strategies you mentioned. I’ve been trying to pay attention especially to regular eating and other routines, because before I didn’t have any routines at all, and when I didn’t know what to do next, I could just stay in bed all day doing nothing. I used to feel like I really couldn’t even keep any kind of routine, but getting medication for my ADHD has helped with that.

                I’ve also tried to pay attention to having enough nice things to do in a day. For example, I try to take enough breaks between studying and not spend too much time a day on the computer. These things have helped, and while I still have those really bad days, they don’t happen as often as they used to. But controlling catastrophizing is much more difficult.

                Today, about two hours ago, I got a message from the lady I mentioned that her older dog died. I don’t know why or when because she didn’t write anything else, but the dog was old so we knew he probably didn’t have much time left. I have been taught that you should never leave someone alone when they are having a hard time, so I texted her that I was sorry and that if she needed help or wanted me to visit her, she could text me. She replied thank you and that now she can’t do anything but cry. I replied that I understand and that I sent that earlier message just in case she wanted someone to be with her. She replied that it was thoughtful and thank you.

                Of course I miss that dog too. He was the first dog that I really got to know, and although the younger dog has been closer to me, the older one really made me love the breed. But at the same time, I am angry with myself again. This is exactly the thing I wrote about earlier. Even though the lady wrote that my message was thoughtful, she probably didn’t mean it and I shouldn’t have sent it. It was just stupid. I can’t help anyone with anything, so why did I even imagine that I could and that anyone would need me? Why was I so stupid to start visiting her in the first place? As a child, I never asked my friends myself if I could meet them. Instead, I waited for them to contact me first because I didn’t want to bother them or be a burden to them. That’s what I should have done in this situation too and not pushed myself into the company of her and her dogs.

                So that’s what I think now. I’m sure I made a mistake, but I’m not sure when: at the very beginning, when I wanted to get to know her dogs, later, when I started visiting them more actively, or now, when I wrote such a stupid message. I’m just sure that I’m a useless person and nobody needs me and that I shouldn’t try anymore. And I’m so ashamed that I hope I never hear from that lady again (although that would be a bad option too). That’s the way of thinking I don’t know how to change.

                1. So I will confess something. I struggled with having people over because I might have to pretend. I wanted people who could sit with me in my tragedy understanding there was no way yo fix it. I wanted to be with others who also loved charles. I think she does want you to be with her. Make a date yo go over there. Tell her you are there to listen, remember the pup, or eat popcorn and watch studios romantic comedies. The self deprecating remarks will be hard yo break but you have the awareness now. That’s where it starts.

                  1. Thank you for your reply. I understand what you mean, but I don’t think it’s going to work because I’ve hated myself for so long. I’ve been told that I already said at the age of two that I didn’t like myself. I had just learned to speak, but I already knew that.

                    Do you remember when I once wrote here about my best friend who died of Alzheimer’s? A while ago, her husband said that it’s easier for everyone now because life with her was so difficult. I asked my mom if she thinks the same way about me because I have ADHD and autism, and if everyone else thinks the same way, that a person should die if they are not completely “normal.” She hasn’t answered yet, but she probably wouldn’t admit it even if she thought so. I don’t think many people would say that directly, but I don’t know how many secretly think that.

                    Sorry for being so negative, but I just don’t think anyone would miss me if I died. That’s exactly why I felt it was unfair that my best friend died because she had so many people who needed her. And when I visited her in the hospital, I felt as helpless as I do now. I wanted to help her, but as you wrote, things like this can’t be fixed. No one could make my friend feel better and no one can bring that dog back now. That’s why I don’t know what’s the point of life because bad things always happen and I can’t do anything about them.

                    1. Gosh Lydia I do remember your friend. And I remember how lovely it was that you weren’t the average friends but you had that live of someone else in your life who accepted you as you are.

                      I am sorry you have struggled with self loathing. But I promise you it can be overcome. However I can’t make anyone think that or do that or want to do it even.

                      I am also honored you do talk to me honestly and openly.

      1. One of the main things is that I struggle A LOT with fatigue, and then I beat myself up because I’m too tired to do all the things I think I should be doing. I also blame myself for the fatigue because the doctors can’t give me a medical reason for it.

          1. Everyone goes silent, and I have no one to talk to. And my husband has to do so much for me because of the fatigue.

            1. I see. Thank you for explaining. And you feel like you are tiresome because of that. Remember that what you feel isn’t necessarily what someone else thinks. But I do understand you think it’s how they feel and certainly how you feel.

              1. On one hand I’m so tired it would be hard to do anything, but on the other being so tired and frustrated is driving me to it.

                1. Some part of you is trying desperately to live. And that part of you realizes your thoughts don’t have to become actions. Which is why you are still here and I am grateful for that.

  15. People are there for me at first, but they get tired of my ongoing struggle. They pull away, and the loneliness adds to the reasons why I should. I’m not talking about you but others in my life.

      1. It hurts, and it’s scary. I never meant to be too much or push them away. I don’t know how to fix it.

          1. If I don’t tell the whole truth no one can understand and help me. If I do tell the whole truth I won’t have a choice and that’s scary.

              1. Yes, that is true, but isn’t exactly what I meant. I know I wasn’t clear. If I tell them I have a plan and the means to carry it out then they will take away those means, and the part of me that feels safer with a plan is scared of that. If I don’t tell them, they won’t take me as seriously and help me sooner rather than later. I feel stuck which only fuels the urge to just go ahead.

                1. Hmmm. Let’s think this through. Can you have the plan as a option but do allow them to remove means for your safety? That will allow you to put time between thought and action. So hear me out.

                  You have the plan in mind, you hand over the means but you tell yourself you can find the means for your plan elsewhere on the day of. However, not having it right on hand is fair for all because it avoids an impulsive decision and does put time between thought and action giving you ample time. Does that make sense? What do you think?

                  1. It isn’t impulsive. I’ve been sitting here off and on for hours now looking at a way but struggling. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I don’t know what else to do. I have fought. I’m tired. Sorry

  16. Sorry for the delay in answering. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. You asked about an example of my husband making me smile. He has this one pitiful/funny face that he makes that I tend to smile at every time.

    One minute I’m making plans for when I’m going to die, and the next I’m thinking or planning for something in a few weeks as though I’ll be here to do it.

    1. Isn’t it odd that the brain does that? It had to be exhausting for your brain to go back and forth like that. Thank you for the story. He sounds great. I love a good sense of humor.

            1. I hear that often. It’s hard to live because you feel obligated to live. But often that’s how it starts. But at some point, you want to be living because you want to live.

              1. I don’t want to live. I’m barely hanging on, and I don’t know where to turn or what else to do. Thank you for listening.

                1. Does your husband know any of this? And is the feeling more persistent? Are you able to reset the brain with any strategies (intense exercise, dunking face in ice water)? Damn I’m so sorry this is so hard, Trudy. I’m glad you are reaching out at least to me.

                  1. My husband knows I’m struggling and cares, but doesn’t have a clue what to do.

                    The feelings are very persistent right now. I came so close today.

                    I can’t do the exercise because of the extreme fatigue I feel, but I hadn’t thought of ice water. It’s definitely something to try. I also tried meditating a little tonight, but it’s a struggle to still my mind enough.

                    1. If you kind of tell yourself that that’s what you’ll do when you are in the state of suicidality, then you are likely to do it and not feel the energy pull. The trick is to locate the bowl and run through in your mind the process of the bowl, ice, a dish towel and putting your face in there for 30 seconds if you can. You might have to do it twiced. But it’s effective. If you work out the logistics when you are not so sucked of your energy, then it won’t feel like and energy suck. I’m so sorry. But I sure am glad you are here.

  17. Hi Anne! It’s me, back again. They took away my rope, but they don’t understand that taking it away doesn’t fix things. No one hears me that there is something wrong with me. Sorry to vent. I just don’t have anyone else to say this to.

    1. I’m listening. I’m here. How did that make you feel when they took the rope? Do you feel they took your power?

      Just so you know I know they were taking the rope because they love you. They were “restricting means” which is the protocol for someone who is suicidal- so you have the time to work through the pain and emerge on the other side which I know you cannot see and don’t believe is there right now.

      What that means is that they are trying to remove that which you have immediate access to when those thougths hit like a lightening bolt. It puts time between thought and action. I just thought I’d explain why this was done since it’s common practice. But I’d like to know how you feel because this is done all the time and I don’t think anyone has expressed how this might feel so I’d like to hear from you.

      1. They think it makes me safe, but it makes me feel less safe. For one thing, I know this will probably sound weird, but having a plan feels like a safety net to me. I have an escape if the pain is too much. Also, in some ways, it makes me even more determined because I want to find another way and go ahead before they can stop me. It also makes me angry. They are enforcing what I shouldn’t do but not really telling me what to do instead. I need help but don’t know where to turn for it other than to suicide.

        1. I’ve never heard it put that way but it makes sense. And I will share that in an upcoming presentation to social workers. They need to understand that part and figure out a way to allow you to maintain some power in that process–to give you agency while keeping you safe.

          I do hear that having a plan is sometimes part of what helps someone stay alive. A friend of mine has had a plan for 20 years and it really is part of her safety plan. So you and I can create one together if you like–a safety plan. It can be an index card or a piece of paper. But that can be one of your strategies for living. Because having a plan to die is a strategy to live for a lot of people who’ve written to me.

          I am sorry you feel stripped of your own power. It sounds like it makes you feel helpless. And furthermore it sounds like people in this process, with the best intentions, aren’t really hearing what you have to say or sort of dismissing your “plan to die as a way to live” as not being a viable option. Do I have that right? And all of that is making you feel rebelious and more determined. Let me know where I have it wrong because I’m wanting to understand you and hear you.

          1. I don’t think you are wrong, or you’re at least very close. They may or may not take it serious, but if you take away a means to suicide and don’t replace it with something else to hope in, a soul in pain will search until it finds something even if it’s another way out. I don’t know if this makes any sense.

            1. It does make sense. You’re hurting like crazy and the brain pain is unbearable. And because you still feel that way, you still think about it and other ways to die.

              Up until now, or even now, what are the reasons you do stay? Your reasons for living is what I mean. And it’s OK if this takes some thought because those struggling can’t always come up with these fast. It could be a family member, friend, dog, a social media channel–anything that means something to you.

              1. I’m only here today because of my family. I’ve just got to hope my explanation in my letter helps them understand why and how hard I’ve fought for them.

                1. Charles used to put up pictures of us on the wall In every room he ever slept in. I didn’t know until after his suicide that it was his way of stopping himself. That last room he was in, he wasn’t able to put up pictures. I hope it’s ok I shared that with you. Your comment activated that memory.

                  Since you mentioned your family tell me what is special about them or one thing about one single person in your family.

                  1. I don’t mind you sharing that at all. I can relate to much to it. I’m sorry if I brought up a painful memory.

                    Even when I’m mad at him or having a bad day, my husband can make me smile. It’s aggravating when I’m angry but is also one of the things I love about him.

                    1. It’s actually a sweet memory you activated so thank you for that.

                      And how lovely your husband has a sense of humor. Charles did, too. It’s what I loved so much about him. Do you have an example?

  18. Weird to be typing this. Definitely wasn’t expecting this article.

    I don’t see another way out anymore. I’ve gone beyond depressed, now I feel like i’m dead inside. Like my soul is dead but body is being paraded around like a puppeted corpse.

    I have no future, I despise my career, I have no interests, passions, friends. I’m in therapy and on anti-depressants but it’s just delaying the inevitable. I don’t know how anything will get better for me

    1. First Alessandro I want to say how much I appreciate how beautifully written your comment is. Although laced with unbearable pain you have so eloquently described your episodes of pain. That helps me understand it better.

      So I hear you saying you feel it won’t get better. Can you elaborate why you feel that way? So is it because you feel so badly right now you can’t see anything past your present agony or because you are finding it hard to remember a time when you worked through hardship before?

      1. Hi Anne, thanks for replying. Really means a lot.

        I’ll try and be succinct with my answer but it’s hard to put into words.

        there’s a few reasons why.

        1. I’m a very negative minded person, I always see the worst in everything. So it is hard to imagine a happy future

        2. I don’t truly know what happiness is. I’m sure there are people who were very happy who became depressed and aim to get back to what they used to be. However I’ve suffered from depression most of my life. It probably helps explain reason 1. And it also means I don’t really know what i’m working toward. All I’ve known is negativity.

        3. I have little willingness to change. My therapist doesn’t like the term lazy, so i’ll replace that with ‘demotivated’
        I’m too demotivated to self improve. To go for a walk, to exercise. To eat better. To make any effort of any kind. It’s a deadly cycle. Too depressed to try to improve. Which makes me more depressed.

        This poem I wrote sums me up well I believe:

        Blocked up, yet so empty,
        In constant pain, yet so numb,
        Enjoy others, yet hate myself,
        Successful, yet embrace failure,
        A light at the end of the tunnel,
        Yet no way to reach it

        1. I really hate to lose a great writer. You are really talented. Oh my gosh does that sound selfish of me? I hope not.

          Thank you for helping me understand where you are.

          I have had a number of people tell me that depression is a vicious cycle and they are not motivated to get help because they are depressed. That makes sense.

          1. I’m a very negative minded person, I always see the worst in everything. So it is hard to imagine a happy future

          You may know this already but there is a part of the brain called the amygdala. It’s job is to scan the environment for threats so it only allows you to see that which is scary not focus on anything joyful. It is hyperactive in some individuals although it can be trained otherwise. But now I can really understand where you are coming from.

          I think my son also suffered from depression for a long time. But I do think he did have periods of joy. Like you, he was also a good writer.

          Like you said the too depressed to get better is a vicious cycle. I think that’s why I’m always amazed when someone does manage too break the cycle. Because it is so hard. Ironic, too, isn’t it.

          Let me ask you this. Does it feel good to write? For me, it helps me process my thoughts and feelings. But I know how it works for me and I’m curious how it does for you.

          1. never heard of amygdala. I’ll have to do some research into it 🙂

            Yeh i’ve tried a few times to break the cycle but can never get the momentum. I may do something that brings me out my comfort zone, however I end up spiralling after the event and recoil back for another 5 months.

            It does feel good to write. I started last year writing my feelings down in my phone which not only helped me communicate to others what I was going through, but also to help clear many years of blockage. Until recently I never opened up about anything.

            I’ve also been keeping a diary since mid-march. I’ve found it therapeutic. What i’ve found strange is the way I write my entries, as if it’s been created for the masses. But it’s easier to convey my thoughts if I write as if others would read it.

            Ps thanks for the compliment on my writing 🙂 never thought of myself as a good writer (although i’m usually the only one reading my stuff)

  19. I’m not sure what the process is to get a diagnosis for BPD but I would imagine that it would involve making an appointment with my GP, who would then most likely make a referral to CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) for assessment but that’s just my guess based on past experience but I would have to phone my doctors surgery & ask.

      1. My mum now knows that I think I have BPD as I told her so about a month ago but all I got was “you know how to make an appointment” so didn’t exactly feel supported but she also didn’t disagree me either so I’m in no doubt that I have it, but I did explain to her at the time that I didn’t see much point in seeking a diagnosis as professionals are less likely to diagnose you with a mental health condition, when you have a diagnosis of autism.

    1. I have bpd, and yeah I’m on the verge of suicide. No matter what I do in life I can’t seem to please myself or anyone around me, I’ve had a ruptured appendix, attempted suicide, died from a seizure, got revived twice, don’t know why they bothered to revive me. I wish they didn’t, I’ve already ordered —–, for self hanging, luckily I Do not have kids or never been married, and according to my parents, I was a mistake child, not planned for. Guess I won’t be missed then, which makes me happy.

      1. Wow DJH, you have a crap ton happening. The appendix, seizure….I’m so sorry. Why do you think your parents don’t love you? I ask because my husband’s youngest brother was a surprise. We don’t love him less but I am curious what your experience has been.

  20. Right now, I really don’t see the reason for trying, or for talking, or for breathing. I’m just done…! 😢💔

          1. I feel so empty inside, I don’t know why…I just know that I am suffering so much & I can’t go on…

              1. Anne, In my research to better understand BPD, I have come to learn that chronic feelings of emptiness is one of the many symptoms that I experience on a daily basis, looking back I met the criteria for BPD from a very early age.

                  1. Yes, I have done all my life which I find strange for someone who’s autistic & prefers to be on their own & not with other’s.

  21. Anne, I can’t believe I’m writing this but I tried to gang myself last Saturday and want to do it again. I’m in therapy, on meds, doing TMS and still don’t want to keep going.

    1. Oh man things must be so hard right now. You actually sound surprised at this feeling, A. Do you feel there is a battle in your head that you want to live and want to die at the same time?

      1. I don’t really want to live though. But I’m trying to live. I refuse to go to the hospital because last time I went as a teen it was traumatizing. But I’m kind of considering it right now. My mom is in town and I don’t want to tell her how I’m doing but I’m literally dying inside.

        1. What a struggle for you. Oh my gosh I can feel your anguish. I hear that you are unsure. And scared. Perhaps if the hospital is a choice, it will be less traumatizing? This is an awful place for you to be but it does sound like you are willing to take that step and it’s very courageous of you to share with me about your past experience. I think feeling out of control of oneself is really an uncomfortable place to be.

          So if you talk to your mom about this, tell or write down some parts of it you’d like to be informed of. You should have some input in the process. Usually that dispels some of the fear. Do you think that would help?

            1. All that emotional intensity and then fighting that feeling would exhaust an olympian. It’s a sign of courage to ask for help. If you want to list some of the things here for practice I’ll answer. I’m so sorry it’s so exhausting. I’m honored for your trust in me.

                1. I wondered. And I’m breathing a sigh of relief. (I can’t help it.) You knew that right? And that’s why you came to let me know. Thank you for that. It’s so thoughtful. And it is hard. That’s why I think those who endure these thoughts are the bravest people in the world.

                  1. Thank you for being here in my darkest hour- when I couldn’t tell anyone else and was googling how to kill my self.

                    1. Boy I’m glad to hear from you. It’s so hard to tell. Here is a document about HOW to tell someone. (I wrote the comment the day you posted it. However I forgot to hit submit!)

  22. Everyone says destroy what destroys you, right? But what if the thing destroying you is yourself?

  23. “I want you to know that we have not realized your potential yet. If you leave, you take those gifts with you forever and we don’t get to appreciate what you have to offer.”

    But what if you don’t have anything left to offer?

    1. That’s the thing when you are in suicidal thought you can’t see what others do. I get that. And I get that you truly don’t see that you have any gifts. I will tell you what I did to get myself out of that rut and I may have told you before. So if I have forgive me. But I just made myself think of one thing I was grateful for each day. I sucked at this at first. But it allowed a crack of light in my mind that allowed me to see good stuff happening around me. I have no idea if this would work for you.

      You are working hard though. You come back here and talk and engage and that’s an important step. It’s a good strategy and very brave. And you know I am going to answer Trudy.

                  1. I think I’m in hell. I can’t seem to get out of this life, but I’m struggling to make this life bearable. I don’t know if that makes sense.

  24. You are too kind, but I really do end up being too much for the people who try to help me. One day is better and the next I’m stuck back in bed struggling. One part of me has lost hope and wants to give up. Another part though cares about others and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Those two parts constantly battle in my head, so I stay stuck and that frustrates people. I was actually going to drive somewhere and try the other day, but my car wouldn’t start. Thank you for listening to our hurts.

    1. It’s actually common that you feel you want to die and then that you don’t. It’s like your brain is fighting itself. Like a ping pong match in your head. I think that has to be very exhausting for you. It’s probably why you feel like you want to stay in bed.

    2. Please don’t do it. Try 50-100mg Sertraline (ask your doctor), and wait for 3-4 weeks. It’s just a chemical imbalance in the brain, it’s so easy to fix if you start medication ASAP. I loved though it and feel perfect now. Best wishes to you.

      1. Hi hun! I’m still really struggling…with my feelings of depression & suicidal thoughts…I feel trapped & can see no other way to escape what I’m feeling than to take my own life…I’ve tried so hard to be strong…but I just can’t take it anymore…I hope that you know how much i mean it when I say that I love you & that I never intended to hurt you…even when I’m not here, I will forever live on in your heart for those who we love never really leave us, love Cheyenne ❤️ x

          1. Hi beautiful, I’m still here. When I thought of you & everything that you have went through in life losing Charles to suicide & then Leo the French kid you wrote about, I realised I couldn’t & didn’t want to add to the agonising pain that you feel, it might sound corny but hearing your voice during a time when I’m consumed by darkness, has helped me to live another day when I didn’t think I could – Thank you! 🤗❤️

              1. I don’t know what it is about your voice that calms me, but it definitely helps! It’s like you are wrapping me in a hug!

                  1. I’m sorry for not replying – when I’m depressed & suicidal, I often find that I have to dissociate from myself & the world around me in order to cope with overwhelming thoughts & feelings.

    1. Yeah it seems like you know what it’s like. Can’t wait for this to be over. Nothing to look forward to. Too much of a wuss to do it. Tried other times and bailed halfway through it. Now Im laying in my car, looking at the moon. Not wanting to go anywhere. I have things they people only dream of, but these things never bring any freedom. I’m a captive in my mind and the only way out a one way ticket. It’s all my fault for getting to this point, not my parents or anyone else. It’s how I coped to their arguments, that led me in a downward spiral. Now I’m divorced with no love in sight. Come home to a cold bed, a cold couch, and a mess that I left. How do you go on from here? I repented and cried, thought I was delivered but I’m still fried. Still laying here looking at the sky. Wasting my talent on things I don’t like. Wishing I could discover my calling and enjoy every moment. I know the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I just want to feel useful on this side of life. I wasn’t created to just eat breathe and die. Since I can’t figure out, why waste more time, I’d rather die.

      1. So if I am hearing you correctly you are struggling with lack of love and purpose. Is that right? They are indeed reasons for despair.

        But you have a lot of courage to post here. And I am honored you have. I am listening. I will respond

        1. I definitely feel a complete lack of purpose, I want to be able to earn a living doing something I enjoy and feel like I’m making a contribution of my God given talents. But I’m wasting it away. Meds have helped me not to act out on my thoughts as much. Before I would frequently find myself on top of a bridge. But now it’s just agonizing internal mental pain. It will go away and come back. There are other things that wear away at me.

      1. Thank you for always being there to sit with me in my darkness & shining the light! You will forever hold a special place in my heart ❤ Anne Moss Rogers, I love you more than you’ll ever know!

  25. Hi everyone. I’m struggling immensely at the moment. My partner left me in September of 2021 and it’s still not over it. I have BPD so it’s very difficult for me to detach from people when I lose them. I’ve also recently lost my lovely grandmother and my oldest family dog. Today I found out that my ex is with someone else and I genuinely can’t cope anymore. I attempted after the breakup a while ago and since then the feeling have been pretty much repressed. They come out before bed sometimes and it’s so unmanageable, especially with the recent bereavements, that I just end up passing out and waking up the next day with puffy eyes and a headache. I also wrote off my car in an accident last week so things aren’t going too great. The only thing stopping me right now is that I don’t have my car. Otherwise I would hopefully have an effective means to end things. I’m in so much pain and I cannot stomach it anymore. All the counselling and motivational speeches in the world haven’t done anything for me. The only thing that’s prevented it so far is ineffective methods and strong antidepressants, so I literally cannot feel half the time, unless it’s horrific. I’ve not even properly started grieving my loved ones. I’m split between the guilt of leaving my family and the absolute desperation to stop feeling like this. Extremely close to ending it right now.

    1. Abi. It is understandable that you feel such despair. I don’t know how you are standing. My God talk about getting hit all at once. The weight of it all. I feel it. If my listening lifts just one ounce of that weight I feel it’s worth it. I am so sorry.

      September is not that long ago. You do t have to even be BPD to still feel pain from losing someone you love. I am sorry he has found someone else and you got the is news now. My question is do you have any support? I am listening ok. I will answer.

    1. You sound tired. I can say for me, the one thing I have to do when I get in a rut is do something. I recall when I was exhausted from grief I didn’t want to but I did do something new every week and it did help. If you were to do something and I’m not saying you will, what would it be? (Other than the obvious because we are, after all, on a page about how to kill oneself.)

      1. My mind has so many ideas about things I want to do, but my body betrays me and won’t let me. It is so frustrating to lie in bed, sometimes even struggling to sit up, while your mind desires to get up and do things. I don’t know how to fix it. My life has no point.

        1. So I am going to offer a strategy that worked for me and later I would recognize it as a DBT skill (dialectical behavioral therapy.) Don’t think of getting out of bed as the goal. Just start by telling yourself that you won’t be doing yourself any favors by staying in bed. Then say to yourself “All you have o to is sit up and put my feet on the floor.” Next tell yourself to brush your teeth. Then proceed one step at a time through the process of getting dressed. And then only once you have gotten ready for the day do you consider another move. Today maybe it’s just the steps to go outside and walk around the block. I did that every morning for about a year. But it helped. It helped to get me out of my own head.

          It’s called “opposite action” and I use it to make myself do things that at the moment seem insurmountable. Breaking it down into doable steps.

      2. Good evening, miss. I greatly thank and admire your effort to save lives. I am saddened by the death of your son and wish him the very best in his afterlife. God bless you, and thank you.

    2. I’m so sorry that you feel like this, If I could take the pain away, I would do it in a heart beat 💗 all I can do is be here & listen if you ever need to talk, I see you & I hear you; you are not alone sweetheart! 😘

        1. You are so much stronger than you think! I know what it’s like to feel like this will last forever but I promise no matter how dark it is, the light will shine 🌟 again! Calm seas always follow a storm ⚡️

  26. It’s funny that you say 8 years old. The first time I wrote something about wanting to die I was 8. My grandmother, whom I was really close to, had just died, I was struggling some in school with a teacher whom I learned a lot from but was so toxic that parents, including mine, had meetings trying to get her fired, and by then had already been abused by a couple of people and had told no one. When I was 11 something happened on a school bus that sent me down a dark path of self-hate and a constant companion of suicidal thoughts. People have since told me they could see I was in pain, but with maybe the exception of one teacher, no one seemed to know how to help me or get me help. I will never forget the hug she gave me when I went to school one day without my usual (fake?) smile. I do think there have probably been times when the thoughts were less like when I was pregnant with my children. In 2014 I started having “spells” at work which made me miss a lot of work and eventually had to resign from a job I enjoyed. After many many tests doctors concluded I have conversion disorder which basically means my stress and depression were manifesting in specific physical symptoms. It’s supposed to be temporary, but I haven’t been able to work since, and I still go through periods like now when for whatever reason I experience extreme fatigue. I’m stuck in bed today because when I sit up, I struggle to hold my head up. I don’t sleep and always have so much I want to do even if it’s just reading a book. I get so angry at myself and think I should be able to get over it and do those things. Sorry, this is a lot more of an answer than I’m sure you were bargaining for but maybe someone else can relate.

    1. The detail will help someone else. But it looks like early childhood trauma contributed to your darkness today. Funny how mental health can trigger so many physical issues. I know that’s true. Grief brought on a myriad of physical health issues for me.

      1. Yeah, I’ve been messed up for a long time. I’m don’t really know how to do this thing called life. Apparently I don’t know how to do death either since I’m still here despite trying not to be.

        1. That’s actually kind of funny, Trudy. Obviously, you have doubts about suicide. I have a friend Frank King who has lived with suicidality for a long time. Somehow he has managed to compartmentalize it. So he lives with the thoughts and makes jokes about it. I don’t really know how one might do that. He’s on youtube talking about it.

          1. Thank you! I watched a couple of his short videos but look forward watching more. I think people generally see me as a serious person, which I often am, but I do have a bit of a humorous side. One of the ways I like to show it is through t-shirts. I have one that resembles the painting “The Scream” but has cookie monster looking down at the gingerbread man who is “screaming” I also have one of a sloth that says, “Not to brag but I totally got out of bed today.” I also have a memorial to Pluto as a planet shirt. I like to make others smile seeing them even if I’m hurting inside.

            1. OK. you and frank totally have something in common. And Charles had t-shirts like that too! And he used humor all the time. My son was the funniest person I ever met. Honest. I swear it helped him stay alive. If it weren’t for the drugs. Anyhow, I’m glad you looked him up. Frank is a really good guy.

        2. I know that feeling, I was 13 the first time I tried to take my life, I’m now 23 & still failing at death (20+ attempts later) all I want is for this pain to end & finally be at peace 😢💔

          1. I’m sorry you carry so much pain Cheyenne. I know how exhausting physically, mentally, and emotionally that is. I say that as I lie in bed in the middle of the day because my body is too fatigued to allow me to stay up, so I lie here dreaming of escape.

            1. Thank you Trudy, the suicidal thoughts were so bad on Tuesday night that I very nearly attempted, it’s not that I didn’t have what I needed to do it, because I did but I guess there will always be a part of me that will fight for my life, even if living is not something I want & that’s the frustrating part because all I want is for the pain to be over.

                    1. I know I don’t hun, but I can’t keep expecting you to carry the weight of my pain either, that’s not fair on you.

              1. I very much understand that! I don’t know about you, but I too have everything ready but the battle in my head whether to or not is so exhausting. I have been struggling with extreme exhaustion which is pushing me even closer to the edge. Thinking of you today.

                1. The best way I can describe it is; I’m living in a body that’s fighting to survive, with a mind that’s trying to die. Sometimes I think to myself how much easier it would be if I could just fall asleep & not wake up as I can’t even kill myself properly.

  27. Hi Anne,

    I have been attending a NAMI meeting where I live and online CoDA meetings some. The only Alternatives to Suicide I found is in CT. They do have an online meeting, but do you know of restrictions on who can join? Don’t mean to bother you again.

    1. I don’t know of any restrictions. I’d just join it. I wouldn’t imagine they’d turn you down because you don’t live in CT. We have a member in our suicide loss support group who lives in NY. If someone wants support, we don’t want to deny that and I imagine they’d be the same. And you are not bothering me at all. I’m impressed you did some research on it. Thank you for that.

        1. It’s the nature of suicide for people to think that. Are there any more steps you could take? Were you able to sign up for that group? I’m sorry it’s been so pervasive, Trudy. I’m here. I’m listening.

          1. No, I tried but can’t find a way to connect. The only other thing I can think of is to call a warmline (warmline.org). There isn’t one in my state but a neighboring one. I just don’t know what i would say to them. I’m not great at carrying on phone conversations. Thank you so much for listening. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of fighting.

          2. I’m sorry Anne. I know you’ve listened and tried to help. I’m not an easy person to help though, so I won’t keep bothering you.

            1. Trudy- If you look up Debbie from the UK on a thread here, you’ll see that she and I talked back and forth for three years. She not only survived she is actually found a way to move forward and thrive.

              So about this, “The only other thing I can think of is to call a warmline (warmline.org). There isn’t one in my state but a neighboring one. I just don’t know what i would say to them. I’m not great at carrying on phone conversations.”

              Just call. And start off by saying exactly what you’ve said here. That you are nervous and not good at phone conversations. They’ve been where you are. They are people who’ve struggled. That’s a great place to start. Then ask for resources in your area if they have them or suggestions on what they are. You can report back here because I always want to know. We have tons more things to try that suit you and I’m willing to stick around if you are. 🙂

                1. You feel that way but it’s not how I feel about you. And you can’t assume what I’m thinking anymore than I can assume what you are thinking. Right now, you are struggling with cognitive distortions also known as distorted thinking. It’s typical when someone is in deep distress. It’s your brains way of filling in the blanks and torturing you in ways you don’t deserve. But it’s pretty common. You get into a negative mindset and it’s hard for your brain to work its way out.

                  But you are taking steps. You are looking for resources, talked about a warmline. All that is so hard when your despair is as heavy as yours. But it’s a brave and courageous first step. Also talking to me is a step. Allow yourself some credit for taking those steps. Because I imagine they are not easy to take. here is some info on cognitive distortions. https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-distortions#thought-origins

                  1. I was 11 the first time I tried to take my life. I told a school teacher who passed it on to a school counselor. I was basically brushed aside. They didn’t even tell my parents. The next time I tried I just didn’t bother telling anyone. I moved a lot growing up and lost a lot of friends along the way. I’ve had a few counselors give up on me believing they couldn’t help me. I was too much for Jody the other day. That set ablaze all my fears about not mattering/or being too much for people. I don’t know how to or not to reach out to others. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Going away feels like the only answer.

                    1. That’s what they did back then. Brush it under the rug because they didn’t know what to do. And I am at a loss why some kids have these thoughts do early. Some reach out and say their thoughts started at age 8. Have you ever had periods where you felt at peace and your brain didn’t tell you that you needed to die?

            2. I know exactly how that feels Trudy, I’ve been speaking with Anne since October 25, 2021 & although she helped me develop a safety plan very early on, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, it’s not that she has failed to help me but I’m just too broken to be fixed, there is always someone who will say that it won’t be like this forever, you won’t always feel this way but it’s damn hard to believe that when your life has been nothing but the complete opposite for the last 10 years.

  28. Hi Anne, I wasn’t sure if I should comment but I’m feeling desperate. I wake up every day just wanting to die but the pain of dying itself scares me from making another attempt. I’m so desperately unhappy. My partner and the love of my life left me 4 months ago after 8 and half years ago and told me felt no loss which has made me feel worthless. Without him I don’t see any point in living. My friends and family are tired of me being depressed – I have bpd so this has been constant for 2years – I had become dependant on my ex and so he left me – I know its not good that I became dependant on him :(. I’m living with my bully of a mother and just know they’d all be better off without me – I’m just a burden and I’m so lonely. No one will ever want me again – I use a walking stick and just so sad. Trying to get professional support but it’s taking so long :(. I just want to die – feel so lost and overwhelmed. I’m 30 and not achieved anything in my life- christmas reminds of him constantly and I just want him back but he doesn’t even think of me – I was planning to just dissappear or try hang myself but saw your blog so thought I’d reach out in the hope of some support. Hope it’s ok to have said all this – just want the pain to stop. Hope to hear from you x

    1. First of all, I’m so sorry you feel such despair. And the fact that you are posting shows ambivalence for dying. I suspect you just want to stop the unrelenting pain you feel. Being treated how you have is awful and if you have borderline (or bipolar?) abandonment would be the #1 issue that you dread. Now that it has happened, though, you have survived thus far right? That’s something. So give yourself credit for that. You got up this morning, and that in and of itself is progress.

      It’s mean for this person to have said “he feels no loss” is just cruel. And unnecessary. Would you ever say that to someone? I would not. You do not deserve that.

      Next I want you to understand as much as it hurts now, and it is brutal, it will never be as bad as it was when it first happened. That part is over and it won’t hurt that much again. When I lost my son, that’s what I told myself and it helped. It didn’t fix the hurt but it lessened the suffering and the time I spent suffering.

      So what is the first thing you are going to do to make one step forward. That’s what I would like us to figure out. Together. Because it has to be something you want or are willing to do. It may be to call someone for lunch, going to a support group, joining a hiking group. Anything. But while those are ideas, the ideas need to come from you and what you enjoy. Because we need for you to make some connection outside of enviroment you are in to allow some crack of light back in so that can grow. It’s a first step. So tell me what you like to do or what has made life worth living.

      1. Hi Anne,
        Thank you for your reply. Its Christmas day and I’m crying on the sofa while my family are having a great time – don’t really want to join I’m because Christmas really reminds me of him as we used to spend it in Germany with his family together. I’m in so much pain and it doesn’t seem to be going. I can’t see past my pain at the moment. I used to like acting and campaigning but all that seems pointless and hollow now. I’m just so sad and want the pain to stop. I brought some meds to take while I’m at my mums boyfriend if it just gets too much. Nothing makes me feel better- I just want to die but talking to you gives me some hope – I don’t know what to do anymore – I just want my partner back :(. What do I do? 🙁 merry Christmas xx

      2. Hi Anne,
        Thank you for your kind reply. I’m sitting crying on the sofa on Christmas morning while my family are in the other room enjoying themselves – don’t want to bring them down but I just don’t want to be here anymore and I’m quite sure they would be better without me. I’m at my mums bfs house and brought extra meds in case I just can’t do it anymore. Christmas reminds me so much of my ex because we used to spend it with his family in Germany. I’m having am awful Christmas.

        I don’t have any joy in things anymore – pain doesn’t seem to have changed at all and im just feeling worse amd worse. I used to luke acting and campaigning but I’ve lost all joy in everything. Speaking to you gives me a bit of hope but I just don’t know what to do anymore – what should I do?? Merry Christmas, Sophia xx

        1. Losing someone is so hard. What I would say is the crying and really intense feelings of pain last about 60-90 seconds each. If there is no space between those waves then we are “refiring” that same emotion making it worse for ourselves. So it’s ok to feel and give into the pain and once it lifts distract. Get involved with the family and just do your best. You are going to feel an undercurrent of sadness but you will also have moments where you forget about him. They will be just glimmers at first. Tell yourself something like “this hurts, I am doing the best that I can.” While I can’t take the pain away and neither can you, you can lessen your suffering. I am so sorry. Christmas is a tough day for me too. But I can say that I am able to enjoy my family now and it’s not a day filled with despair. I am listening, reading every word and I truly feel for you. Because that kind of pain is so isolating and the real gem here is that you do have people to connect with today who love you. Even if that’s in their own warlord way. The antidote to painful isolation is connection and you will be using a behavioral skill called “opposite action” because it’s the opposite of what you want to do.

          Step one, say to yourself “just sit up and put my feet in the floor.” Then once you do that give yourself one more command. “It hurts but I am going to stand up because I know wallowing will not help.” And then one by one you string all those steps together and you are sitting with your family. It’s a start. It won’t be perfect. But I can tell you are not fully committed to dying but just want the pain to stop. You can alleviate some of it. And right now it’s all you can do and that’s ok.

      1. I have no purpose here. Jody told me to find one, but it’s not that simple. I’m more of a bother and burden than anything. Thanks for listening.

            1. That’s your brain telling you what others think. You can’t read minds right? And I wouldn’t call a suicide a success. Thoughts do not have to become actions. Step one is get enough sleep, eat right like it says on the back of the cereal box. Step 2 is to reach out to friends more. You don’t want to because you want to isolate. But you need to connect with others. Through one on one or a support group. It’s what gets you “outside your own head.” Then you can take specific actions to work your way out of this darkness. You have to meet people halfway. You have to allow someone else to help you save your own life. And you can find meaning if you allow it to happen. It doesn’t fix it all. And I’m not saying it’s easy or very simple. It’s not. I’m just telling you it’s worth it. It starts with taking some action to help you. You are taking that already by having a convo with me and Jody.

        1. And if you did not have doubts about suicide you’d not bother. But you do have doubts. And that’s because there are reasons and people who love you. You are simply struggling with how to go forward when you are not loving yourself. And I do think that is possible.

              1. The first time I tried I was getting no response. I mentioned that to the mental health nurse practitioner I see. She tried and got responses in Japanese. She reached out to someone who could make a change, and she checked in recently, and it worked. I haven’t tried since then.

                1. At first it was a bit of a mess in some areas of the country. But it has smoothed out and a helpful resource now I hear. But I have not called in a while either. I usually am calling on behalf of someone or I need the nearest resources for where I am located.

                  1. Do they actually give you information on resources? Maybe I don’t communicate well with them, but I usually just end up being given a link to one online source and often the same one I’ve been given before.

                    1. I think it depends on where you are and probably who you get. For instance, NAMI has peer support groups all over the country–in person and online. And there are also warm lines in all states staffed by people who have felt just as you do.

                      Before Charles died and and even after his suicide, a support group, called family group, helped me so much. So I now co-facilitate a grief group. That helps them and still helps me. Anytime you are struggling it helps to be with others who also have felt as you do. Mental Health America has online support groups called “Alternatives to Suicide.” If you need help finding a resource, Trudy, I’d be happy to help. I know you have doubts and since that is the case, maybe find one thing that will help you feel more connected to life and others who struggle similarly.

  29. I am still not where I need to be but taking it one day at a time. I’ve been trying to get out of the house some and keep myself occupied when I’m in it. I’m still holding onto a plan for “just in case I need to” which I know isn’t helpful. I still have a lot of work to do. I just wanted to check back in with you and update you.

    1. Thank you first for the update. Keeping a plan in place is actually helpful for some people. So no guilt about that. Funny how having a plan to die can actually make you feel ok about living.

      But it sounds like a little bit of progress. When I was grieving it was like I would make incremental progress. I had relapses along the way but just kept telling myself “stay the course, this won’t last forever.” I know it’s not exactly the same but the only catastrophic life event that comes close. But keeping yourself in the present and not catastrophizing about the future is good progress. I often have to keep myself from projecting stuff and worrying about things that have never happened. I actually tease myself about that one. “Anne Moss. Are you worrying about something that has never happened? Cut it out!”
      Thanks again for the update Trudy.

  30. I really do thank you! I think you are doing a great thing turning your pain into purpose. You have such a wonderful website. Thanks for listening.

      1. I’m looked at like “the strong person” but I’m breaking. I want to die so bad but I’m 9 months pregnant and scared to hurt my family or unborn baby. Im scared my son won’t forgive me for leaving even tho he would never meet me or remember me. I’ve narrowed down it’ll take 10 min for me to be gone and if I’m not found in 10min after that my son will be gone too. I don’t want to hurt him at all but I don’t think I can continue and I don’t think I’ll be any good for him or to him when he’s born. He deserves better than me… he won’t even know who I am honestly. I also don’t want to hurt my mom and nana I’m scared they won’t forgive me for not being stronger. Do you forgive your son? Im sorry if that’s wrong to ask.

    1. Hi Trudy, I read the comments that you and Anne have been sharing over the last days. Please know that people are listening and watching you and CARE FOR YOU. Even though I don’t even know you 🙂 I relate to you so much, I remember sitting at the side of the road back in 2015, wanting to die. I felt incredibly alone. What helped me was calling a suicide hotline and speaking to someone anonymously. I went through some breathing exercises as well. Also, I made sure to park my car and just sit for a moment to breathe. It really helped in that moment. Also, I began speaking with other people anonymously who were in a situation like me, and I began to see that I wasn’t alone. This was in 2015. It took time, it was not easy, BUT I was able to find, what I call “little joys, little miracles”. Like, a favorite song that I love, or a favorite tree, or the way sky looks at 5 p.m. when the sun is about to set. It makes me happy to see purple clouds. I found little things that bring me joy and no one else. Trudy, thank you for sharing, because you are like me, you are communicating what you feel! That is incredibly brave. I am thousands of miles from you, but you are so brave to communicate and have an open dialogue about what you feel inside. I hope so much that you stay alive because there’s so many little joys and little miracles that happen so many times, I want you to know that tonight you became my little miracle reading your sweet words 🙂

      1. Wow Pat, this is totally unexpected but what a beautiful way to write your story here. Thank you so much for helping me and Trudy and anyone else who might stop by this page. It is all about the little things and setting that one intention and then building on that which you have done. I also did the breathing. I even have a post here on breathing strategies but it’s really about taking a pause and reframing things. This is so amazing. I can’t thank you enough.

      2. Thank you so very much! It has been a hard day. I needed that encouragement. I wish I had more eloquent words to reply because I am truly humbled and grateful.

  31. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being pulled apart on the inside. Do I wait for help, or do I take my chance?

    1. I think you be Proactve and get help. Because there is so much doubt for a decision that is permanent. Where you start depends on what you like. I like to read and write so I start there. I also found support at a support group so included that. Some people work with American foundation of suicide prevention because giving back helps get us out of our own heads. So tell me what you like or have liked.

    1. I don’t think you are difficult. I get cussed out a lot so I find you a gentle and thoughtful soul who is just tired of the relentless hurting. I like that you have tried things and taken initiative which shows immense courage and strength. So for that reason alone, I really don’t think you are a “lost cause.” You actually have a lot of resilence. I’m sure you don’t see it that way. But you haven’t given in easily that’s for sure. You’ve fought like a tiger. What’s more you are still trying.

    1. This was written by my friend Jody Betty. It’s a place to start. She lives with daily suicidality and somehow has created a community.

      And this book has been recommended and is on this page. I see the number of downloads and purchases so I know many who have come to this page have bought it.

      I do hear some doubt so if there is doubt there is hope. OK. I am here. I am listening. If you want I can put you in touch with Jody either on Twitter or by email.

      1. I’m not on Twitter, so it would have to be email, but despite what she said, I am a burden and don’t want to burden her, or you, or anyone. I just need to make up my mind once and for all. I don’t want to hurt my family, but I don’t want to live.

        1. Well, she often has said the same and somehow she survives and thrives. So I’ll reach out to her and ask. I know your intention is not to hurt your family, Trudy. You are suffering. I do understand that.

          1. I can’t thank you enough for listening!! She has already reached out to me. I haven’t thrived for a very long time.

            1. Excellent. You can still talk to me. I felt you needed someone who has been where you are and somehow finds a reason to live. She does reach out and ask for support when she needs it. It has to beat you down to feel you have not thrived. And I do think you can again. My soul is rooting for you

  32. There’s nowhere else to turn now. I’m not going back to the hospital. You really do have a lot of good information. I just can’t be helped.

    1. Trudy. When you say “I can’t be helped” you set that intention. While what you have is not something you can necessarily control you can reduce the suffering by not saying that to yourself. Or when you do say “Trudy. Please don’t say that to yourself. It’s not helpful right now. I could use your support.” I know it’s self talk. But the technique can help take the edge off.

      I am so sorry you are burdened with such thoughts.

    1. Speaking with thousands like you who struggle with thoughts of suicide, writing (3,600 blog posts and two 300-page books), support group, giving back. My son left lyrics that helped me understand. Those are but a few. I won’t lie. It’s been agonizing work and I never thought I would survive but I did. And I ache for him and while I have forgiven myself there will always be a tinge of guilt.

    1. I can listen! And I want you to feel heard. Because you deserve that. If you do call 988 or do 741-741, can you share that experience with me? And I am not encouraging you to go elsewhere. I am happy to chat and ask questions (you know I can do that) and reply. I can tell you are really struggling right now and don’t want you to feel unsupported. Just know that if I don’t answer it means I am asleep although it is not time to go to bed yet. I will answer when I wake up. And that’s why I gave you the numbers. Just in case.

      1. Thank you so very much! You are the one encouraging voice right now. I’m sorry that seems like too heavy a burden to put on you. Yes, it is an almost constant battle right now. I have texted the crisis line before. I may again, but my experience has been that they want to give you online resources and trust you to them. I am tired of this battle.

        1. Hmmm. Thanks for the feedback on the textlines. Sometimes it just helps to have someone listen. I feel that way when I have struggles. Mine are not as extreme but I know talking or texting helps. I hear you are tired. Is it because it’s so constant? Like it wears you down over time?

          And one more thing. Has ketamine worked for you? It does for some. Doesn’t for others. I’m curious what it was like for you if you ahve.

          1. You are right about it wearing me down over time, especially like now when it’s an almost constant battle. Surprisingly, with all the medications I have been on, I have never taken ketamine.

            1. For most it’s more of an emergency type drug to reset your brain. And for others it works as maintenance. And for some it’s not effective. But surprisingly good results and then medically overseen psilocybin is being researched with good results too. I suspect you have a difficult treatment resistant depression. I am sorry about that because it is exhausting. I get clinical depression after anesthesia for about 8 weeks. And even in that short time it wears on me. That’s just a smudge of a taste of what you endure.

              1. The very last thing in the world that I want is to hurt my family, but I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for listening!

    1. Trudy. I have talked to hundreds maybe even thousands who are in active suicidality. No two are exactly alike but there are similarities. One of them is the feeling of worthlessness. And I think the brain just gets tired of being yanked back and forth.

  33. Sorry if I said something to upset or offend you. I did appreciate you listening. I don’t know any other road to take. I won’t bother you anymore.

    1. Trudy. Why do you think I don’t want to talk to you? I do. I am not at all bothered and I hope I didn’t sound that way. If I did accept my apology. Please keep responding. How are you today?

      1. There are brief moments of reprieve, but most of the time it’s all I can think about, and every time I feel more isolated or make a mistake it just confirms to my mind that there’s no other choice.

      2. I think I have everything I need. I’m just not sure exactly when and where. I’ve had a harder time breathing today. I think it’s from all the pressure of trying to decide what to do. I’m sorry if I’m telling you too much.

        1. So when someone is suicidal there is no time in the process you are totally committed to the idea. Doubt is your brain’s natural instinct to save you. It probably why there is so much “I want to” and “I don’t want to” going on. So it really is like a roller coaster of emotions.

  34. My husband has said he’d never forgive me if I took my life. You’ve forgiven your son right? You wouldn’t for anything have wished it to happen, but you’ve been able to keep living and even help others through your pain?

    1. I think others don’t understand. At first I thought it was something my son “did to me.” And later I realized how much pain he was in. The person I needed to forgive was me. That took over a year. I wasn’t angry at charles. But his brother was.

      1. I keep ending up in the dark even after people try to help me. I’m too broken to be fixed. I think they’d be better off without me bothering. I’ve been trying, but I never get it right. I don’t know what else to do.

        1. I know how you feel, I also think that I’m too broken to be fixed…I’ve been trying so hard to be strong but I just can’t do it anymore! 😢💔

          1. My therapist says that people don’t need to be fixed but understood. I don’t know if that is true, but I’d like to believe it.

            1. I think for the most part people like to feel heard. And we need to connect in that way more. You are helping me too you know. It helps me to understand and to just be here for another. So I think your therapist is right

  35. I would say that my acute suicidal thoughts last at least an hour, and yes I know that constant despair. Sometimes I even call my suicidal thoughts urges, because if I’m lying in bed, for instance, I’ll grab the sheets to hold myself in place, so I don’t get up and do anything. I’m a hopeless case, too broken to be fixed. It won’t matter if I do. Sorry to take up your time.

    1. It must feel so bad to think of yourself that way. But it’s interesting that you see yourself as worthless while I see someone who is a survivor. That’s a lot of work. At least from my perspective. I wonder how I would weather all that. I don’t know really and that means I don’t know how hard this is. Not really. All I can do is assume. And an hour of cycling suicidal thoughts is a lot. I appreciate the candid and honest answers. It helps me to understand.

      You say you’ve tried everything and so tell me what that is since people do different things. (I was driving yesterday so unable to converse.)

      1. I have had several counselors, some of whom have given up on me. I’ve had exposure therapy, EMDR, DBT, and currently IFS (sorry for all the abbreviations). I have attended Celebrate Recovery and attended my first NAMI group a couple of weeks ago. This summer and early fall I went through 12 weeks of intensive outpatient group therapy. I have been hospitalized several times. I am currently on several medications. I may be forgetting something. All of that and I’m still researching ways to kill myself and making plans. I do so appreciate you listening and caring. I’m a lost cause.

        1. No one can say you have not tried. Glad you got in a NAMI group. That helped me the most. As a parent that is. I started to reframe things. I think you are a warrior. Since you mentioned them tell me about your kids. What are they like?

          1. They’re great. My son is in the Army stationed in Germany. He has a girlfriend and loves to travel. My daughter works full-time and takes online college classes. She has a boyfriend.

            I don’t want to hurt them. I have hung on for them and my husband for so long. I just don’t know what else to do anymore. Thank you for caring. I’m not easy to help.

  36. Thank you for all the helpful information. When I’ve thought about ways to kill myself I have avoided hanging in the past. I’m glad I searched how to tonight because I found this site. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I will take the time to look through what you’ve shared. Thank you for your strength and courage and sorry for your loss.

    1. Thank Trudy. That was most unexpected. I’m sorry the despair is so bad. I don’t know why some brains turn against their owners sometimes. I will listen and respond if you reply. I want you to know I hear you.

      1. Thank you for being a voice of hope and caring. I think everyone else is tired of listening to me. I’ve fought so long, and I’m tired. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.

        1. I know from experience it is the helplessness we feel. Most of your loved ones think they have to fix it and are overwhelmed by the mental health system which is confusing and unhelpful. But most of all our loved ones don’t get the education they need to understand you and appreciate the courage it takes to fight these feelings for so long. And I get that because there isn’t a whole lot to support families either. Sometimes I suspect you just need a hug. Since I am not there I hope you feel my virtual one although not as good as a real one because I can give great hugs.

          I wrote something about Eeyore on this site. It’s about just accepting and inclusion. https://annemoss.com/2019/09/22/what-eeyore-has-taught-us-about-acceptance/

            1. I think the digital age has really made people feel more insignificant. I’m so sorry you feel small. Are there any kind of triggers that kind of amplify that feeling? Or is it just a lot of things at once?

              1. I don’t mind your questions at all. I have those thoughts much too often. I’m 50 now, and the first time I tried to kill myself I was 11. I have tried and tried to be better, but I keep ending up at the same place. We just moved, so I feel smaller than ever. I’m just a burden.

                1. Moving. Yes. Transitions and relationship disruptions are the two “last straw” events that drive people who are vulnerable toward suicide. And moving is a HUGE transition. And many teens tell me they have thoughts of suicide that started at age 8. That’s a long time to struggle.

                  So obviously there is hesitation. Can you tell me 2-3 things that have made life worth living? They may not override your sense of worthlessness right now but they worked at some point. So those 2-3 things could be family members, a pet, a memory of something that happened in the past.

                  1. My husband and kids are the only things that keep me fighting. My kids are young adults now and don’t really need me.

                    1. So you have a husband and kids. And young adults need you in a different way, Trudy. It’s more subtle. My mom just died at age 87. She would have said the same but I’m grieving a lot. I’ve really struggled with it. I did still need her. For me, it’s losing the one person who thought the world revolved around me. I miss that.

                      Do you have a memory that makes you smile. A vacation, a life event that brought you joy?

                      I am asking for a reason. Thank you for putting up with all my questions. 🙂

                  2. I didn’t see a way to reply to your last question. Maybe you didn’t want me to? I’ve really struggled to come up with a memory. I think my mind is just so absorbed with darkness. Thank you for listening!

                    1. I did want you to answer if you could. (By the way start a new thread if we run out of replies.) And you are right. If you are feeling really dark that memory question is super hard. And it takes longer. But it’s a sort of way to trigger your brain out of the current cycle. Some people feel acutely suicidal for 20 minutes and some for an hour. And then the underlying current of despair. Do you recognize a pattern to your thoughts. And again this might be difficult to sort out. I am trying to understand your brain’s process.

  37. Thank you Anne for everything you’ve written and shared…this has helped me so much you have no idea. I came here looking for an end and I’ve found some hope and love.

    1. Hey Tony. Thank you for saying that. I can’t tell you what it means. And I am glad it helped you. Can you tell me what led to your despair? Only if you want. I will listen and respond.

      1. It was a lot of things…from separation, being away from my daughter to starting a new job and having to move back in with my parents after owning my own home and being completely self sufficient. I feel like a complete failure sometimes…often I don’t feel like I actually matter to anyone…like I’m just a tool to get people things.

  38. I’m so sorry Anne, so sorry for what happened to your son, and so sorry for your family’s loss. Every one always says things like “If only I’d knew”, “If only they’d let me know” but what to you do when you have told the person who is supposed to care the most and they don’t care. It’s crushing, I can’t take it any more. The world is such a cruel, cruel place.

    1. Oh that is so painful. To have opened yourself up like that, been so vulnerable and someone does not help. I am so sorry. I am so sad for you. You don’t deserve this. Is there another trusted adult you can tell? A county hotline you can call for next steps? Either way, no matter what, I will respond to you. You deserve that. I can also post a link to choosing the right person. But right now I want to hear from you. What brought you to this place if you know. I’m listening….

  39. I found this article after looking at ways to end my life. i want to die but im scared. the only thing stopping me seems to be my mother. i have felt like this for over 4 years now, but the past two years were better as i found someone who supported me and made me feel okay about myself. that was until she left. she said i was holding her back and i used her as a crutch. she was and is right. the past two weeks ive worked my ass off to try and better myself. this has killed me even more as i could not win her back. i showed her how much i had grown and changed in such a short period of time. it didnt work at all. that felt worse than the breakup. i hate myself so much that it feels like this Everest sized mountain i have to climb in order to be happy with myself at all. the idea of getting over her just to get back to the dark pit of depression i was in before. i wake up in tears, cry myself to sleep, and toss and turn all night as i have nightmares of not being enough. i work a physically and mentally draining job being in hot attics and disgusting crawl spaces daily and it seems like every aspect of my life is terrible. i no longer wish to think about the future, it only seems dark and sad. i have nothing to look forward to in my life besides pain. i lost the love of my life and now im stuck with the life I hate. Your article took that pain away for a few hours as i read more articles, completely mesmerized by the emotion of your words. idk why but i have always hated reading but your articles intrigue me in a way that i dont think about my own terrible life for just even a few minutes. But then reality sets in as i finish reading and im back to the dark pit i seem to reside in. i just want it to stop.

    1. The brain is so odd how it will latch into everything that is bad in your life, blocking anything that could potentially be good. I suffered through that after my son’s death by suicide. It took time and effort to let a crack of light in and finally before it widened. I am sorry this has happened to you. I feel like you struggle with what a lot of others do, self love. And it’s torturing you. All of that has to feel so overwhelming and even physically painful as well.

      By the way you mentioned your mom. Can you share one find memory from the past about your mom? A trip, something she did, or a time when you both laughed together or cries together? I am just curious what she’s like. Since I’m a mom. 🙂

      1. My mom is amazing. she tries her best to be there for me whenever I need it. My father and her split up when I was a sophomore in high school so since then we haven’t been as close. Between just being a normal teen who is going through my own changes to everything around me changing too. It was a really rough time and I definitely resented her for it. Still through all of that she is here for me as I feel like I’m in my darkest time. She is willing to talk, listen, or even lay there and just cry with me if I need it. I feel horrible though. Despite how much love I feel or how much she is there for me, I still feel so alone. My mind still cant let go of my ex. The past few days I’ve tried so stay and be positive but despite that I still have morning like this where I wake up and feel worthless, alone, and I don’t see a future for myself. I don’t know how to even love myself, but it’s even harder to when all I can think about is the person I love with all my heart telling me I held them back and the idea of never speaking or even being friends with her again (my ex).

        1. It sounds agonizing. Clearly, you shared your heart and now it hurts. I love this, “She is willing to talk, listen, or even lay there and just cry with me if I need it.” Not all moms do that. So rely on that. And by all means, cry, complain, get pissed here all you want. You can express your pain freely here. I want you to know I hear you. OK?

          1. Thank you for responding to me. It is definitely one of the only things that has kept me going. I am doing better since the last two times I reached out for some kind of help. It was comforting to know a stranger cares about me when I felt like the people who know me didnt. I quit my job and finally cut things off completely with my ex and ive felt a lot better. Aside from those waves of feeling inadequate because im currently unemployed, it seems easier to ride those waves and not feel them crazing over me. I know im not the first or the last person that you have helped like this. i wanted to reach out and tell how much it truly meant to me for you to not only share your story, but also take the time to respond to me when i felt like i was at my lowest.

            1. I can hardly believe that what I say would matter that much. Thank you for making me feel like I do matter and reminding me how important it is to listen. (You made my week and it’s been a tough one.)

              You have made some very important changes for your own mental health that frankly amaze me. The breakup had to be a really hard one to make. Thank you for reporting on how you felt after. I’m so glad you have found a sliver of light and relief. Thank you for coming back and reporting on how you are. That means a lot to me. And anytime. You know I’ll answer. If I don’t it means I’m in intensive care!

  40. Don’t know why I’m posting. Found this looking up how to hang myself. I guess this is the only vehicle at the moment to let out how I’m feeling since i have no one to talk to. Been depressed my whole life and have been hospitalized for depression in the past, medication, therapy but yet here i am (I still remember one therapist telling me on a scale of 1-10 i appeared as a 2 to the world. Don’t know if she meant i was just ugly, looked like crap, but it’s just another thing that i think about it a lot and am done with therapists). I’m still a worthless loser after all this time. One thing that stood out to me was how that video said to “tell someone” About a month ago I told my wife I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself and she didn’t care at all. it was very hard for me to state it and then I broke down crying. Instead of caring at all she went to the other room to talk to her friends and ignored me the rest of the night and the next morning. She hasn’t asked how I’m doing since. I truly believe she would be better off and probably wants me to kill myself so she can be rid of me. i truly have no value as a person. also in the past in college ive told just a few people about my depression and they ended up ghosting me..so yea for me it seems like just fighting this life long battle on my own until i have the courage to end it. i feel completely empty inside most of the time. like a shell of a person. i can do nothing right.

    1. First I am so sorry those you have told have not responded how they should. And that’s because they don’t know what to do. Their reaction is not uncommon unfortunately which is why I actually teach classes on how to respond. And I have to say people are so surprised and then they realize how they have answered and how it’s not helpful. So I think it’s not that people do t care they just this kind “I am not qualified” and they shit down. I see how that makes you feel. To reveal the darkness in your souls and have people react like you just told them you have a pimple. I will listen. I will respond. And I apologize for all the humans who have made you feel more worthless because they have no idea what the f*#€k to do. You deserve better.

  41. I have thought and struggled with suicide attempts and thoughts probably since I was 14. I’m currently 31. The best way I can describe it is that I’m just over it. Over the repeated bad things happening, abuse, struggle, traumas, being strong. I’m mainly tired of carrying on like I have always needed to. I have a great career, an awesome dog, and idk if it’s really a family because no one really cares or has ever been a support system, but I guess I have a “family” too. I’ve always had to be the strong one making it on my own. I lost my sister 2 years ago from the effects of being an addict. She got a really bad infection she never sought treatment for which attacked her organs and when finally rushed to the ER, they administered blood thinners to aid, but caused a severe brain bleed resulting in brain death. She was coherent all the way up till then. Her and I weren’t close nor raised together, so I didn’t feel grief or loss. I watch my family feel it to this day. If anything I feel jealous, because I rather it of been me. She has 3 kids. I just have a job and a dog. And I also feel understanding. She turned to drugs bc of her own mental torment. She had been successful in rehabs just to relapse. Probably bc of the mental torment. She didn’t seek antibiotics or doctors during her infection, probably bc she would of rather died, and I get that. I get her exhaustion. I’m at this exhaustion and no more energy left to fight it back.

    1. It must be very hard to fight those feelings for so long. That’s what I am hearing you say. So if that’s not right you can correct me. You sound exhausted- mentally and physically. So you mentioned your dog. Tell me about him. We had Charles’s dog for years after his death. He provided us with so much joy and comfort in our grief. So tell me about your pup. I will answer and I do hear you.

      1. I’d love some help. I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s only the thought of my children hating me that stood me from killing myself.

        1. It’s OK to hold onto that thought if it’s working to keep you alive. Right now, that’s your #1 job and I am here to support that. I’m honored you have asked for help. Can you tell me your city and state? Not your address because I know no one wants to offer that. I just want to figure out what resources you have locally. Is there someone you can tell? If you do tell someone, you can call a local crisis line for next steps–usually a risk assessemnt and safety plan.

          Or you might be in a place where you need to go get mental health services and get urgent treatment to reverse your feelings of suicide. There are treatments work as a rescue to reverse the thoughts that work for a lot of people. If you share your city and state, I might be able to find local mental health services for you in your area. If you are in the USA. So if you are not, we’ll figure out a plan B.

            1. I’m going to admit to being less familiar with those resources. In case you want the hotline where they can direct you to local resources, that’s here: https://www.lifeline.org.au/

              However, we can work together on a safety plan in the meantime. Or choose someone to tell if you are willing to do that. If you want to do that via email, reach out here. I will reply and you will have my email. https://annemoss.com/contact-2/

              I am so sorry your despair is so bad. I hope you get this. I am concerned about you and your well being.

    2. I feel like I’ve never known what to do with my life. And I still don’t. Every job I try just feels utterly meaningless. I am at my wit’s end. I just want to die.

  42. Do you think some people are incapable of not feeling this pain. I’m not manic or angry or even sad anymore I’m just tired and don’t want to carry on for ever feeling this way

    1. Suicidal thoughts are different for everyone but most report feeling “numb” at least at some point. Some have a period of episodes and then other have it since they were 8. And still others might get that feeling once. How have your thoughts evolved?

    2. I myself am also incapable and emotionless. Exhausted and drained is the only way I can describe it. Tbh, it’s a heck of a lot scarier that I feel this way.

  43. I didn’t mean to find your website.

    I have tried other ways before. But it’s been a long time since i last attempted to end my life. Apparently hanging is a better method. Idk.

    I’m 27. Not that young, not that old. I feel 90. I feel weighed down. I’ve been struggling with this since I was 13-14. Perhaps even earlier. I’m sorry I have to add to your burden of comments. But I’m in a dark place and I don’t know how to reach out to anyone else. Because I don’t really want them to help. I know they would. I know they love me. I just don’t want help. I want it over.

    I’m so sorry for your son. Thank you for this page.

    1. You are not adding to my burden. Your comments, all the comments here, have helped me understand that brain attack known as suicidal thinking. I hear from so many who have struggled with these thoughts since they were 8, 9, 10 years old. The feeling you describe of heaviness, I have felt that too. Not from being suicidal but I know what you mean. Was their anything in particular that triggered this particular episode? I am listening and I will answer.

  44. Anne Rogers,

    I just wanted to write to you and say that you are a breath of fresh air in a world that is chalk full of darkness, greed, selfishness, negativity and despair. I see selfish people that can’t even see past the end of their noses everyday.

    I see family’s that don’t even give a shit about their children.

    You are an extraordinary and remarkable person for the kindness and light that you bestow in this world. There are very few souls that would take the time you have to help so many people. Especially; People that are struggling. People that are lonely. People that are voiceless. People that are frankly, just, people.

    1. I love that last line especially. People who are just people. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It’s nice to know that it does come across as genuine. I will also say it is fro. Those with lived experience who have generously shared their stories and their pain that has moved me through to understanding it better. And understanding that each and every person’s personal experience is different like a snowflake. Now let me know how you are today. How you might be feeling. And I do hope you are still with us.

  45. Hi Anne I’m 41 years old and I’ve been suicidal since the age of 13 in the last two years I have made 15 attempts by overdosing on various pills. My last overdose was in February this year and I really thought it would finish me off I mean I swallowed 200 paracetamol I honestly hoped that would be enough but my parents called an ambulance and I woke up. The only reason I continue is because of my dog Happy she is my soul mate the greatest love of my life but she just turned 10 years old and has a lot of health issues which is why I have made so many attempts in the last two years because I am consumed every single waking moment of every day of the notion of losing her and I can’t imagine being here without her so I want to leave this world first. I’ve never tried hanging myself but I’ve thought a lot about it because pills don’t seem to kill me no matter how many I take so I googled what’s the easiest way to hang myself? And I came across your website. This isn’t a cry for help because I don’t believe there is any. I just felt very moved by your story with your son and I guess being so suicidal myself I can connect with him I know what it’s like to be in the darkest place imaginable and every single moment of every day feels unbearable. In some ways I wish I knew him so I could tell him I understand. I’m so sorry for your loss but I think you are amazingly courageous and have the biggest kindest heart to reach out to those who like your son struggle to get through the day and make it to the next. I will try to hang myself and knowing my past record I will probably fail but I’m all out of hope and I have no desire to be in this world anymore. I feel like I’ve already died and I’m just a ghost haunting my family putting them through pain and grief and as much as they assure me that I’m not a burden I always feel like one. If we never speak again please know you are helping so many people by being so open and honest with those that feel so unimaginably lost x

      1. My entire life I’ve wanted a dog and when I hit 30 I was ready to end my life and my parents got me a dog so she is my entire reason for living but as she’s gotten older my terror and anxieties about losing her have become insanely intense which is why the past two years I have made so many attempts overdosing. Just the idea of her not being here hurts me so much I can’t bare it to the point where I need to leave this world first because if the notion of her not being here is so intensely painful I can’t even comprehend the pain of the actual reality I just need to die first.

      2. Hi my names is jordan,
        Iv been in such a dark dark place for so long … I feel as if I have nobody but just keep a smile on my face for everyone else and submerge myself into helping other to block my pain.
        My sister died of terminal cancer and left me devistated and in my grief my partner left me.
        I’m addicted to drink and drugs and can’t ever seem to get away or feel better and I’m now at the lowest point in my life I don’t have answers anymore or solutions it’s just too hard.

        1. It does seem like too much energy when you are in a place that dark. I am so sorry especially for the grief. Having been through that process I can say that it was the hardest thing I ever did. Let me ask you this. If you were to take just one single step today to help yourself, what would that be? Just one.

          And I say “if” because it’s not my decision but yours. I hear you. I am ok sitting with you in your pain. And if you respond so will I. I am honored you commented and shared your story.

    1. Aww please don’t kill your self please please don’t my dad just did and it’s the most heartbreaking thing ever, your family love you and you are not a burden xxx

  46. I don’t know how to talk about this. My thoughts know it’s wrong but my body just wants to. Can’t find a therapist that can really help out. Not sure what to do.

    1. It’s a really hard topic to talk about. I mean it’s the deepest, darkest, most painful confession that is so very hard to understand. From what I gather from the thousands I’ve spoken to with suicidal thoughts, they describe exactly what you have in one sentence– “My thoughts know it’s wrong but my body just wants to” which is an ambivalence to dying yet a wish to die at the same time. Like a tennis match in your head. I’m so sorry you suffer this way. Where do you live? Not your address, just your city, and state. I can share some resources if you are interested. Therapists are so booked up right now. However, there are alternatives. You deserve to be supported and you will find support here. No matter what though, I’ll answer. I will listen. I will respond.

  47. You are the only person I feel like Ii can be open and honest with about how bad I am feeling. I have a number of people around me but none really care. I wish my own mum was still here to give me a hug like she used to when I was really young. Facing all this emotional pain every hour of every day is more than I can cope with.

    Tonight was meant to be the night that I killed myself. I had made my noose and planned which wood I was going to go to but then fell asleep on the sofa. When I woke it was too late to say I was going out for an innocent walk to my wife. Will try again this evening. I could have used paracetamols tonight but I keep reading the horror stories about it taking days for you finally die of liver failure. Vets are apparently the only ones that have access to a sure fire way to end their lives easily.

    It is the neighbours that have triggered this recent suicide episode feeling. They have been shouting horrid things out of the window and came knowing on my door hurtling abuse and saying very hateful things to me. I have had enough and can not cope with this anymore.

    1. Adrian. I am so sorry you feel such despair. It sounds like a lot of things have happened and the neighbor incident has really triggered you.

      So you live with your wife. Does she know how you feel?

      Tell me why on earth your neighbors would say cruel things to you?

      I hope you are ok with all the questions. I am just trying to understand completely. If you reply I will too. I hope you do.

      1. Anne. You are right, it has really triggered me. My wife know how I feel but there is nothing she can do.

        My neighbours are just pure evil. They have been trying to force us out of this house for the last 2 years and that is at the root of it all.

        I am currently sat looking at the clock. As soon as it reaches 4pm then I can go out and buy some rope and put and end to this. I just hope they don’t then start on my wife.

        1. That sounds like such horrible harassment. And right where you live too. Home is supposed to be where we can find some peace. Again I am so sorry. What are the chances that they will harass your wife do you think? I mean if you did kill yourself. Would they let up at all?

  48. Hello

    I don’t know what else to do. I’ve suffered with depression for so many years and even when I think I’m getting better I still result into suicidal thoughts. I’m currently unemployed, so can’t afford therapy.

    I don’t see another way out, I was so withdrawn on my recent birthday, as I never thought I’d reach this age (26).

    I don’t know what to do

    1. I’m so sorry. But I am glad you posted here. That took a lot of courage and I’m honored you trust me enough to do that.
      I can listen and respond and maybe together we can figure out a step forward? I usually do that with a series of questions because it is about you and how you feel about it. How does that sound?

  49. Not here to ask for help, rather thank you for this article and your kindness. I was, evidently, in a dark place and was hysterical in my grief. I’d skimmed multiple websites and stumbled upon yours, and reading your story and heartfelt words managed to calm me down enough to be rational. You obviously work really, really hard to help others. You are very kind. Thank you for all the work you’ve done. Please take care of yourself, and may 2022 be a good year. To everyone else in a similarly dark place, please hang on. There is still kindness in this world and joys to be had, waiting for you to experience. It’s never too late.

    1. That is one of the sweetest comments ever. I’m so sorry you have felt such despair but I am grateful that you ended up here and posted a comment. Thank you, Sylvia. I do so get the despair of tremendous loss.

  50. Despite Christmas being a time when we should all be happy and celebrating I find myself sat here researching different suicide methods. My mum was not very close to me (my sister yet but not me) but despite this I wish she was still alive to give me a hug right now. I lost all my family and a hug from anyone would be well received right now. l had got my heart set on going into the hills and giving myself hyperthermia by sitting in a stream. I was hoping to do this in the next couple of days but the UK is now reporting an unusual increase in temperatures over the next couple of days. Why won’t life give me a break and let me have control over how and when I want to die.

    1. Oh Adrian, you lost your sister? I can feel your despair. I get what you are saying about wanting one more hug. Grief is so hard. I wish I could give you one. How long ago did you lose your sister?

    2. Sorry, I didn’t explain myself very well. My sister is still alive I believe but she was always a knife between me and my mum. My mum dies in 2015 and since then my sister has achieved her objective and pushed me out of the family. My mum expected it would happen.

      I don’t miss my sister but I do miss my mum.

      1. Oh Adrian that’s awful. She’s being a devil because of her own struggles. But I’m so sorry you are the victim. That must feel awful. Well obviously it feels awful. But of course you miss your mum. Totally understandable. I lost my son in 2015. That’s not that long ago. Tell me something that was special about your mum. If that’s OK.

      1. Thank you so much for holding onto a copy of it, your a life-saver! I attempted suicide by hanging on Monday night, physically I’m ok, mentally…I’m not…I just want it to all be over.

        1. Oh Cheyenne. I am so sorry. For your despair. But I can’t help but be grateful. I can tell part of you definitely wants to die. But I can also tell part of you what’s to live. That’s a confusing place to be.

      1. I think there’s only one thing I can do…it just wouldn’t be right to stay…knowing that I am only adding to my pain and suffering…when the way out is right there in front of me…it’s the right thing to do.

        1. I keep thinking that you mentioned the doctor. And since there is a bit of doubt doesn’t it make sense to try that option? Since your mom is asking? She is feeling something is not right.

          1. There is no doubt about it, I am going to end my life…going to see my GP, was never a choice and you know that.

                1. I can relate to you right now. There is nothing left inside of me. Not even the pain, that’s gone too.

              1. The only reason I’m still here are 4 cats who are deeply attached to me and, sadly, may not do well after I’m gone. When my ex retires, I lose my primary insurance and all prescription coverage. The last several years, my rx plan paid over c$126,000 for disease management and sustaining life. I will be looking at prolonged suffering, then death. I choose to not endure the suffering and go right to death. I know, in addition, I’m depressed and grieving. My boyfriend, who wants loved me deeply seems to be repelld by me, rejects me regularly and can’t even act as a friend towards me. I have no purpose, I’m useless, worthless and a burden to those around me. I do not make this decision lightly.

                1. First of all, I’m so sorry about the relationship. That heartbreak can often be the last trigger that makes us feel suicidal despair. That plus your other worries seem to be ganging up on you. I am going to ask you to stay in the present regarding your healthcare for now. Once you start projecting in the state of mind you are in, it spirals. But no matter way, I will listen and I will respond. Tell me what’s special about your cats?

      1. Hi Anne, Honestly? I just don’t feel like I can keep myself safe anymore, all I can think about right now is how much pain I’m in and how I am going to leave this world to be in a better place.

        1. Well the part of your brain that wants to live is still fighting for your life while the other half is trying to destroy you. So there is doubt. And where there is doubt there’s hope. All I can say is that as long as you are here and you comment here I will answer. And listen. (I was driving today from another state so sorry about the delay)

              1. This will probably be the last time that you’ll hear from me, I just wanted to thank you for all of your support over the last month and to say a proper goodbye, you tried your best to save me but in the end I was in too deep.

                  1. Thank you, but you know as well as I do, that my time here on earth is coming to an end, it just wouldn’t be right to prolong my pain and suffering.

                    1. They use it here and it’s been very helpful to most in suicidal crisis. Not everyone but most. Maybe write that on your safety plan in case it’s available to you at some point.

                  2. You were right about one thing and that is that while part of my brain wants to live and is fighting for my life, the other half is trying to destroy me. For me, suicide wasn’t so much about dying, but more about wanting my pain and suffering to end, everyday is a battle against my own mind and it’s getting worse, I just want to be at peace but I’m afraid that the part of my brain that is trying to destroy me is getting bigger and bigger and I won’t be able to fight it for much longer.

                    1. That had to be weird and scary at the same time. That battle back and forth alone sounds exhausting. And I can understand how it can wear you down. I am still here. I will still respond. Thank you for explaining that.

                  3. When I first started Sertraline 3 years ago, I found that the suicidal thoughts did stop, it’s just been since August last year, that they have returned.

                    1. Wow. Usually for mental health in the USA, people see their doctor more frequently. We both know you don’t want to live like this and that your brain wants to die and then doesn’t want to die so since part of your brain is fighting to live, it makes sense you can ask one of your parents to make an appointment. Your doctor is a good place to start. You can ask about whether you might need to go up in medication. And you can ask about ketamine and if it’s in Scotland. (I am curious if it is available there because I don’t know.)

                  4. I was due to see my GP for a review of my medication in June 2020, but at that point, I didn’t feel that it was needed. As for asking one of my parents to make an appointment, that’s just not an option, neither is going to see my GP.

                  5. No, as they are now closed for the weekend, I won’t be able to call them to make an appointment until Monday now.

                    1. I feel the same as you. My brain want to die but my heart is scared because of my kids. I’ve struggled for years after my husband wanted to cheat on me with prostitute. I’m stuck in a house full of kids while my husband works away from home for months. I have told my parents and husband that I don’t want to live anymore. They just tell me I’m crazy and need help. They put me on Sertraline also to fix and then my grandma died the only ones that truly loved me and I could trust died. I feel so alone. A year later my grandpa died. I am not the same. I just want to be with them. Everytime I try I punk out
                      They took me off sertraline and put me on a mood stabilizer. I cry all day in the corner of my room Last time I tried to get help they took my kids from me. I’m so scared to get help now

                      The only thing that makes me happy is talking about my native tribe. I’m Osage I’m suppose to be a Thunderbird. Courage ,power and strength
                      Plus I think I would disappoint my ancestor and my grandmother that is gone. I feel like my kids would be better off with a better mom.
                      Cheyenne I hope your still around. Im 45 and I can tell you I would die all over again if something happen to my babies. Im fighting a battle but I can tell you my life wasn’t always like this. I was happy at one time.

                    2. Valerie. I am so sorry that you are in endless childcare. It is really hard not to get a break or some relief. And all that grief and loss over people you card about and who cared about you. I am so sorry. That’s a lot of loss all ar once at a time when you could use that love and supportCheyenne is still with us. And I feel sure she will also respond to you. You mentioned that you were happy at one time. Can you tell me more about that?

                  6. There’s nothing to think about, last time I did speak to my GP, he said that under no circumstances, would he be increasing my medication to 200mg, as not one of his clients who is on Sertraline is on the highest dosage, my mum said to me yesterday that she doesn’t think my medication works anymore and that I should go see my doctor, but I tried explaining to her that it would just be pointless as we both know that he won’t increase my dosage, so what’s the point?

                    1. I am not a doctor so I don’t know but I would assume there are other strategies to take. So sometimes they switch the meds and sometimes they can add just a touch of something, even if it’s off-label, to help it work better. Your mom is encouraging you to go to the doctor. I do not think it’s pointless. I care a lot about your well-being. And what could it hurt? Maybe we can make a list of pros and cons? Do you want to do that?

                  7. What my mum doesn’t understand is that medication, while it manages my Anxiety & OCD to a certain extent, is not a cure for my Autism, it’s like she thinks that because I am on medication, that everything just goes away, it doesn’t.

                    1. Do u you know this is what she thinks? Or are you assuming that? I am only asking because I used to make assumptions all the time and I turned out to be wrong most of the time. So I either ask or I just look at he facts. It’s actually a DBT skill. I would find that out later. Anyway what is the worst that can happen by going back to the doctor? You have said you would rather not live this way. We are both aware of the alternative and it will still be there. But wouldn’t you want to exhaust all options before taking that final step? A lot to think about. And I like you just the way you are. My son worked for a guy who lived with autism. It was one of his favorite clients. You know why? Because the guy was so straightforward. He said what he liked or didn’t like (my son is a film editor) and my son never had to figure out what they wanted. This guys was so direct and he said it made things so much easier.

              2. I can no longer live in a society, where I am not normal or accepted by the majority of this world. I didn’t decide one day that I wanted to be ridiculed for simply being me – autistic & attracted to women.

                1. I don’t find that odd or unusual, Cheyenne. I feel your despair. And if you end your life instead of going to the doctor, that is not an event I can prevent nor intervene. It is up to you to make that decision. I am answering you, listening to you, and responding because I think what you have to offer is special. I was always unusual. Not autistic or queer but definitely different. I have learned to embrace it and see that as special and unique to me. At your age, no one loved my boldness. Accepting myself came with some effort. All I can do is hope that you will make that effort. But no matter what you do, as long as you are alive and talking to me, I’m going to respond and respect your space, your disability (if we call it that), and your gender identity. You can say what’s bothering you. I am not here to judge. Ever.

                  1. That’s where we are completely different, your normal, I’m not or at least that’s how neurotypical people make us feel. To this day I still feel like there is a lot that my mum and dad, still don’t understand about Autism or the way it affects me, that’s why I write about it, not to get sympathy, not because I feel sorry for myself, because I am trying to raise awareness and understanding of a condition that’s misunderstood and stigmatised.

                    1. I am not “normal.” I don’t live with autism though. Your post on “autism speaks” is lovely. Thanks for putting yourself out there. It takes a lot of courage

                  2. What exactly makes you think your not normal? Yes, you lost your son to suicide but you are not the only one to have lost a loved one in this traumatic way – you are not alone! I will never be “normal” I will forever be broken & viewed as something that needs fixing, rather than someone who needs to be accepted just as they are.

                    1. I just never fit in any particular group until finally I just accepted that i wasn’t part of a group and didn’t fit norms. But let’s not talk about me. I want you to know the reason I think there is hope for you. And I don’t know if I should say it but I will. I have had this page up for about 5.5 years now. And so many came to this page that long ago and are now finding me again and telling me although it was really awful for a long time that they somehow worked through it and found their people and found hope in that process. And even ones who struggled for decades or from very young. So I know and see what’s possible. And I do t expect you to see that right now or see it in yourself. But I want you to know that’s why I feel like you have a chance. That part of you that fights for life is not giving up easily. That illustrates a really strong will yo live even in the face of wanting to die. I think you have a greater purpose. I am not sure what it is but it could quite possibly be to fight for others who live with autism. You are good at educating people. Your fb post was simple and straightforward. But like I said. I have no control over what you do or the power to talk you out of anything. But I see traits in you I do t see in everyone else. I think that’s pretty cool.

      1. I feel TRAPPED & like there is NO escaping the pain I’m in, than to end my life…I just WANT to close my eyes & go to sleep FOREVER…I WANT the pain to END!!! 😭💔

            1. All I can do is help you save yourself when you want that, listen and respond, or encourage you to talk to your parents. But I can’t stop you or make you do any of that. It will hurt when I don’t hear from you. I know that. Your parents will struggle, too. But I also have to accept it because I can’t control another human. All I can do is the best I can do. You are a special young lady.

                1. So a therapist friend of mine suggested these tips and they did work. It didn’t make everything perfect by any stretch but it moved me from suffering a lot to suffering less and eventually to healing. And some of these I added and these are my coping strategies. They worked for me.

                  And only since you asked. These have worked for others here, too. They’ve returned years later and said that it just helped them get out of the neverending cycle of hurt.

                  Step 1 – I put my face in bowl of cold water for 30 seconds, twice. It will jump start your brain out of that cycle. Eventually, since it was cold that winter I would instead go outside and run in the freezing cold weather (it was 12 degrees that winter which is cold in virginia). The extreme exercise in the extreme cold did offer relief. It helped me manage and lessen the pain. It was not a miracle but it did provide relief. Excercise, extreme in my case, works well for me. I call them angry hikes and I pick the steepest hill on days when I want to implode.

                  Step 2 – I was to think of one thing I was grateful for and force myself to notice one thing that was good in my life or beautiful. I sucked at this at first. But what happens is our brains get stuck seeing only negative and the brain needs to be retrained to see positive. I did this religiously every day (even though it was the last f*cking thing I wanted to do. THE LAST.) But I made myself and started by saying, “Just put your feet on the floor…..” I would go look at the river near us and stare and take in the beauty of it. And tell myself one thing I was grateful for. It was HARD. But slowly it started to work and allowed a peek of something good to slip in. And eventually I could see things in front of my face that I had blocked before.

                  Step 3- I joined a support group for other suicide loss survivors. This had helped me before when I joined families anonymous to understand my son’s drug use. Increasing your connections is a known factor for helping prevent suicide and work through extreme pain. I was in AGONY. So NAMI has a peer to peer support group in most areas. Being with others in the same pain helped so much. Those relationships? I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world. https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI/Affiliate/Programs?classkey=a1x36000003TN9SAAW

                  Step 4- Write. That’s why I have two books, 100 articles, and over three thousand blog posts on this site.

                  I will also link to what helped Desmond who is now 23 years old who felt as you do. Anna Weider a writer here suffered as you did for decades and is doing well finally. (She was sexually abused by a family member.) https://annemoss.com/2021/01/01/concrete-strategies-that-helped-me-work-through-my-teen-depression/

                  It was HELL times one thousand after losing Charles. But today I am better. I did get support. I did try and re-try things with a different attitude. Once I decided it would work, it did work. I still hurt but I have a whole toolbox of coping strategies and it has softened over time. I believed it would work. I believed I would get better. I did NOT numb pain. Once I worked through all this plus a brain tumor I feel like I can do anything. It has made me stronger. Not perfect. I do relapse but I know find my support, use my tools. I hope that helps if you are willing.

                  And I still can’t answer your message on FB which is making me so ill. I looked for the friend request and cannot find it. I promise I tried. If you are member of any other social media, let me know. We can try there.

                  1. Hi Anne,
                    When I think back on some of the coping strategies, I was given by CAMHS in managing my self-harm, I NEVER gave it a second thought that they could potentially do the same for my suicidal thoughts. Down below is a list of some of the coping strategies that have worked for me in the past & I am WILLING to try to help keep the suicidal thoughts at bay.

                    – Blowing bubbles
                    – Popping bubble wrap
                    – Squeezing ice cubes
                    – Taking a shower

                    If there is any others you can think of that could help, I would love for you to share them with me ❤️

                  2. I would also appreciate it if you could help me to put together a Safety Plan sometime, if that’s ok? Given my history of suicide attempts, I was surprised that one wasn’t put in place, after my 1st attempt age 13, had it been, I might not have continued to attempt, I know that it’s something I could do on my own but whenever I’ve tried, I’ve never been in the right frame of mind, with that said, if all fails, I honestly see no other choice but to end my life.

                    1. Well given that you have some doubts about suicide, we might as well give that safety plan a try. I’d be honored to work on this with you. I have your email in the admin panel. No one else can see it but me. So I’ll send you an email and we’ll work through it. (I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before.) I love your coping strategies especially the bubble wrap. I love that stuff. I can share a list of what many people have sent and you can choose what works for you. How does that sound?

                  3. Hi Anne,
                    Thanks for your e-mail, I’ve had a read through what you have said and felt that it was important to mention that one of the struggles I face due to my autism, is difficulty processing language, whether that be spoken or written, so while I have acknowledged your e-mail, I am sorry to say that nothing you said made any sense, it’s very important that you understand, that when writing to me, that you don’t use any big words and explain things in the most simplest way that my brain can understand what’s being said.

                    1. Got it. And replied a few minutes ago. So I am looking for what happens before you have those thoughts. I sent more questions. 🙂 This takes time. And I am patient because this is important.

                  4. Hi Anne,
                    Just saw your e-mail, hopefully I’ll be able to add to my list of coping strategies & I’ll get those to you tonight ( it’s currently 12:01AM here in Scotland) but I’m in a really dark place at the moment, so please bare with me.

                  5. What’s the point of living when I’m already dead inside? I’ve been suffering for far too long, well not anymore, I’m DONE! I’ve accepted that peace is something I’m just not going to get here on earth.

                  6. That’s the thing, I wanted to say this to you before but I didn’t want to hurt you but – you CANT help me, NO ONE CAN! They say that the ONLY one who can help you is yourself BUT I just DON’T have the fight to, NEVER have, I would much rather if you can help anyone it is someone who can be helped instead of someone who’s a lost cause.

                    1. I know you don’t want to hurt me. But I’m invested in our process of working on the safety plan because you asked for it. That means there is doubt about suicide. You are still here so it cannot hurt to create it. Healthy Coping strategies was the next section. I will resend.

            2. Hi i am feeling the same . Im in despair and feel so alone . Going through a divorce after 22yrs of marraige and i am a lost soul. I need major help to turn this around.

              1. Nigel I am so sorry. That is so heartbreaking and emotionally devastating. And after so many years together. Tell me more about how you are feeling and what it’s like to get through each day so far. Because it sounds like you are just making it through each day. If you respond, I will listen. I will answer.

  51. i feel like i might as well , what’s the point . i do nothing but cause a issue , i just don’t want it to hurt.

    1. I’m sorry the despair and suicidality is so bad. Do you feel that way for a period of time? If that’s the case, how long do your episodes last? Thank you for commenting here. I’m really honored you did.

  52. Hi Anne,
    When I was 13, I was referred to CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services) I was self-harming, felt depressed and had attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers. Despite being equipped with the coping skills to manage my self-harm, I didn’t stop until November 15th 2018, 2 months after my GP put me on Sertraline. Over the years, I have been referred to Psychology, Psychiatry, CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) and CATT (Crisis Assessment Treatment Team) I have been admitted to A&E countless times for trying to put an end to my pain and had the police on our doorstep during the early hours of the morning to conduct a welfare check, because they had received reports from ChildLine etc.) with concerns that I was going to take my own life. At 22, I have attempted suicide more then 20 times, with my most recent attempt in September and although I have not self-harmed in nearly 3 years, suicidal thoughts continue to be a daily battle for me, as they have been for the last 9 years.

    1. Cheyenne- I’m so deeply sorry you suffer from chronic suicidality. I cannot even pretend to understand your pain but admire your perseverance. Thank you for sharing how you moved away from self-harm. I’ve not heard of that medication.
      I’m grateful you told your story here. Your truth. Your pain. If you reply, I will answer. Let me know how I might help.

      1. Hi Anne – I find it hard to breathe because the air suffocates me daily and I just can’t stay here anymore, the more I try to convince myself to hold on a little longer, I die a bit more inside. The pain is overwhelming, I’m just so tired, exhausted actually, not in the sense that I want to go to sleep, sleep won’t help with this kind of tired, sleep won’t take away this kind of pain, I just need it to stop, I need it to go away forever 😭💔

        1. You sound worn out. I feel it in your words.

          Through all those attempts you are still here so your survivor mode, which is a natural instinct, must have kicked in at some point and interrupted your dying by suicide. Those who are driven to suicide in their pain have often told me there is something that makes them ambivalent about dying. Do you know what that thing or those things are for you? A pet, a family member? Fear of disability?

          Thank you for engaging in this conversation, Cheyenne. It’s appreciated.

          1. Exactly! – there’s a quote that goes “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die” and that’s something I can relate to so much, I wake up in the morning and wish I hadn’t, I close my eyes at night hoping it’ll be the last time..It’s not like I want to end my life, like when I’m actively suicidal, but I don’t want to live and no matter how hard I try to push these thoughts out of my mind, they just won’t go away.

            1. That’s exactly how a lot of people describe it. I’m copying what you said because so many want to understand it and you put it so concisely there. And I want people to understand it’s not a “choice” but something you are driven to and worn down from.

              So when the thoughts of Charles’s death would invade first thing in the morning when I got up, I just crumpled to the floor in a fetal position at first. I just let the pain in and kept chanting, “I will survive,” and, “this pain means I’m healing,” over and over. Somtimes, I’d say “I love you Charles,” and “it hurts this much to lose you because I love you so much.” I knew the really intense feeling would lift in about 60-90 seconds. But I didn’t push them away because when I did that, they would come back at me like a boomerang on steroids. And when the intense pain lifted, I got up to try to get ahead of it and went outside. So while I have not struggled with suicidality, that’s the only comparison I have. And it is a sort of depression even if it is grief depression. It’s very heavy. And a part of me had died but it woke up another part of me that had never been there.

              So I’m guessing no medication has really worked to help quiet your thoughts? Tell me about that if you would. And thank you again. This is so helpful.

              1. The medication I am on is called Sertraline, it is a type of antidepressant known as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) I am on 150mg and have been on it since September 2018, as a direct result, I no longer have the thoughts or urge to self-harm but despite this, my suicidal thoughts have never gone away and only got worse. Your probably curious as to how I ended up here but I’m sure you know that like most, I ended up here purely because I was doing exactly that – looking up how to hang myself.

                1. So the SSRI isn’t blocking the suicidal thoughts. That sucks.

                  And I figured you landed here from a search. Most do.

                  Those who have chronic suicidality often tell me there is something or someone that makes them hesitant about dying. Do you know what that thing or those things are for you? A pet, a family member? Fear of disability?

                  1. Yes – I know this is probably going to sound silly but on the 6th February 2017, I was sent a JellyCat Cordy Roy Fox by a lovely couple I met on a FB group for those with Autism of which the husband had Asperger’s Syndrome (a mild form of autism) I named him Finley and well Anne…he’s my BEST friend in the whole world, we have been through absolutely everything together, having Autism myself as well as Moderate Learning Disabilities, Social, Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties, Anxiety and OCD, It was nice to know that there were people out there who understood just how IMPORTANT it was to have something that brings you comfort, in a world that you find so hard to make sense of and I will forever be grateful to them both ❤️

                    1. I had to look up “JellyCat Cordy Roy Fox.” And I work with an organization for youth with autism and they’ve opened an amazing new school in Virginia. They are all about helping those kids make the most of their lives and abililties and seeing their gifts. Because you know you have them right? But the social part is so hard. That is so sweet. I’m going to send one to someone at some point, too. That’s a great idea. I will give you credit. Thank you for telling me about this couple. And the Cordy Fox. 🙂

                  2. You see – he was a match made in heaven as I absolutely love Foxes!

                    Since I received my Autism diagnosis, I’ve struggled to accept that this is part of who I am, on top of this I also identify within the LGBT community and I’ve always felt like I was broken and needed fixed.

                    1. I know you don’t know me and it doesn’t mean much but I accept you just the way you are. There is a group called Trevor project and they have a private forum for conversation. But as a young person you have a lot to work through. Autism alone is so isolating socially. But I do like that you made friends with that couple. Because I would think (and you can correct me if I am wrong) that it shows you that you can have a future. I am amazed at what you have gone through. Your story is so powerful. If you ever wanted yo write something about LGBTQ and autism and it’s connection to suicide to submit to this blog I can send you a link. And if we run in of reply space you can start a new comment. I really appreciate your authenticity.

                  3. Thank you Anne, I want to make it absolutely clear that while I have her husband on FB, we are never in touch with each other, secondly that just because someone with autism has friends doesn’t show what the future holds for them.

                    1. I got you Cheyene. I think I went all Polly positive on you for a moment there. Not fair on my part and I am sorry I did that. I need to continue to meet you where you are and just accept that you are in pain.

                      Having worked with those who live with autism, I have seen how hard it is to make friends, get invited to events, and so on. Do you know others who live with Autism? Like a group or anything? I actually do not know of a group but I think maybe I need to check that out. Michael, who lives with autism, wrote this and gave me permission to share it. He is very religious and that’s what worked for him but maybe there are parts of this you can relate to even if there are parts you cannot. But the part about autism, the depression and the fact that he suffered from thoughts of suicide since he was 12 reminded me. https://annemoss.com/2017/05/22/suffering-suicidal-thoughts-since-age-12/

                  4. Hi Anne – Don’t worry about it, you were only trying to help and I didn’t respond very kindly to you before – for that I am deeply sorry.

                  5. If I could turn these thoughts off like a switch – I would.
                    I’m tired of everything – trying, hoping, not coping, breathing, living, existing – I don’t want to hurt anymore and the only way that I can see out, is if I end my life 😭💔

                    1. I know you would. And I do hear how some do it but it’s definitely not a one size fits all. My friend Frank King says “it’s always on the menu.” That’s why I have books and podcasts o. The page because I sure don’t know. Was there a time in your life when you got a break from suicidal thoughts?

                    1. I have heard of that. I hate that you live with this. I wish science could offer more insight, more solutions. What do you think you were meant to accomplish? I wonder that about myself all the time so I hope you are ok that I am asking you.

                  6. I’ve never wanted anything from life, the only thing I’ve always known was that one day I was going to successfully complete suicide and I am just as determined as ever, if not more to achieve that outcome.

                  7. While my mum and dad are aware of my past issues with mental health, they aren’t aware of what has been going on for the last 14 months.

                    1. OK. Any specific reason(s) you have not told them? Again, I’m not going to suggest or shame or anything else. It just helps me to understand. You are lovely to put up with and answer all these questions.

                  8. Hi Anne – I have messaged you on Facebook, while I am ok to chat here, I was hoping to discuss some things privately with you – hope this is ok?

                  9. Have you checked your message requests? As normally that’s where they go when it’s someone that’s not a friend on your Facebook.

                    1. Just got back from a suicide prevention conference where I spoke. So I did an exercise and asked people to post on a post it note what struggles they were having. And wow. What a response. It just goes to show you how many people struggle with something.

  53. you are the problem. if there is any justice anywhere you will go to hell; masquerading and tricking people you are typical of the life forms that inhabit this universe.
    no doubt nothing i could communicate would convince your prejudiced mind of your actually low morals.
    in fact i’m sure that most of the greatest evils have been done for the good in the perpertraitors mind. LOL what it must be like to be that corrupt and not know it, surely bliss

    1. I take it on the chin Jackobyte. I try to see things from all perspectives and by posting here you’ve allowed me to see yours and how others might perceive me when they come to this page. This page does not provide instructions to end one’s life but rather resources. And if that’s not what you are looking for and your brain pain is really bad, I wouldn’t expect you to be all toxic positive about that. No matter how you feel about me, I’m sorry you feel like suicide.

      1. My life is the worst, sure people have had worse experience than me but what im saying is, ive beem cutting myself lately and have tried on numerous occasions to kill myself, but i just cant do it, im 13 and school is just the worst my’pic’ was leaked recently and ever since ive been bullies and yes it is my fault that i sent it but in other words i sent it because they said ‘i like you’ and me being me i was full of adrenaline and because no one ever liked me before i was full of shock and sent it but sure enough my stupid ass was dumb enough to know it was one of my ‘old friends’ and sure enough it eas sent everwhere and just before writing this i tried killing myself and i feel like crap everyday knowing whats gonna happen tomorrow.

        1. Oh Mikey, I’m so sorry someone would abuse your trust and do something so cruel. How painful that must be for you. I know the cutting is a coping strategy. Not a healthy one of course. But do you have any healthy coping strategies like hiking outside or something? I hurt for you so much. I know this was humiliating. Do you have anyone to talk to? And I will answer if you respond. I’m honored you shared here.

  54. I was 9 years old when I first started to wonder how the world would be without me and how better off I would be without the world. Time passed and on my 10th birthday I was so frustrated I was struggling so internal with my mental health I made a vow I will commit this crime on myself on my 18th birthday and I continue to my life with that intention in mind. I couldn’t find in myself to let anyone in, 3 years passed till I was reading my suicide letter in the middle of class, just looking down at it crying till I got it token away and I cried harder than the guidance counselor came, first time out of dozens of time going to an inpatient care unit. I pushed everyone away because I couldn’t find in my heart to have people be attached to the idea of me just for me to erupt-fully leave on that specific birthday. Years and years have passed, I’m turning 20 in less than a week. Still fighting these urges. But the ironic part is, I have hope even when my irrational mind constantly fights with my will to live. It’s exhausting but I know I want to thrive, not just survive. It hurts a lot I’ve gone so long without close connections and now I deeply struggle to create relationships, but I try my hardest.

    1. What a survivor you are. And to think you have struggled for decades without really sharing with anyone. I am so honored you shared here. I feel honored personally. Do you think a lifetime of pushing people away has made it difficult for you to establish close relationships now? I only ask based on what you have written and please correct anything that is not correct because I want to understand.

  55. I had been feeling really bad for a few days and while the house was empty today I tried to seize the opportunity to end my life. I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom with a camping stove running on its highest setting. An hour later, nothing and absolutely no signs of CO poisoning (no headache or dizziness and no loss of consciousness). Considering how hot it was today, I was more likely to sweat to death. It turns out the ‘butane’ does not give off dangerous levels of CO and so that was yet another thing I could not get right. I guess it was a bit amusing looking back on it now, sat there for over an hour just sweating while a relatively safe gas burns away.

    1. So I am reading along and your comment, “I was more likely to sweat to death,” made me hiccup and then laugh. Rarely does that happen on this thread. Your dry humor in this whole story does come through. I don’t even know how you have been able to do that but you did. How are you feeling now? Because it appears you decided if one thing didn’t work you’d go to another. And I do have to ask you. Do you take what has happened as a sign?

      1. I am at the moment feeling frustrated that what I thought was a perfect method was a complete failure. Somebody once said that if you think it is hard to be born into the world then it is a 100 times harder to leave the world. I am like everybody and just wish for a single magic pill where I could fall asleep and that would be it. Today just proved that I am not very good at chemistry. There probably was a sign when I tried to take my life a few years ago. I owned a Vauxhall Cavalier at the time that had always proven to be reliable. One day I took it to my favourite place overlooking the sea along with a long length of hose and sat there for a while before I decided to make a start. When I felt ready, the car absolutely refused to start. I have refused to buy another Vauxhall made car every again but since then they introduced catalytic converters on all cars and so that method is out of the question now anyway.

        1. I have noticed that people who live with suicidal thoughts contemplate “how” a lot. That must be…I’m not sure how to describe it–confusing and desparaging? That’s not exactly right. I’m sorry it’s that bad. Do you live with anyone?

  56. How do you know you will go through with it? I woke up at 3am crying the other night and all I could think about was wanting to end my life. I ended up here like everyone else because I googled a method to do that. I’m actually putting thought in the best way to do it so my family doesn’t have to clean up a mess. I don’t know why I feel so much pain….but I do know I want it to end.

    1. I just feel alone. I went through a bad split about two years ago with someone I was with for almost 20 years. He’s a narcissist to say the least and loves to flaunt how happy is he in my face every chance he gets. I finally decided to start dating again last year with someone I was friends with for about 15 years. In May he was murdered. I thought I was doing okay. Going to therapy and just trying to heal. I just feel hopeless. I don’t feel like I have much of a purpose. Financially I’m on the brink of bankruptcy. It just feels like the world is closing in on me and I just don’t want to be here anymore.

      1. Raquel- I work with grieving people all the time. And it’s not unusual to feel like suicide when you’ve lost someone. My gosh you have a lot going on. I totally understand your despair and I am so sorry your partner was murdered. That’s a brutal loss. I do understand and have felt intense grief. I thought I would not survive it hurt so much.

        I have a question, though. So I see what things have happened in your life to make you feel the hopelessness. What was going on in your life when you were happiest?

          1. I can understand why that would be hard to remember with all you have going on. Do you feel 100% committed to the idea of dying or does it kind of waffle back and forth between a lot of pain and wanting to stop it and then later feeling like you don’t want to die? Kind of back and forth. I hope you are ok with these questions. I just want to know what your experience is like.

  57. I don’t have any reason to believe it’ll get anything but worse. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m broken. I feel so worthless and used.

      1. Everyone always leaves. I am never enough for anyone. I have been a full time student working on my nursing degree and have 9 months left, I found out I was pregnant in July and when I told my fiancé of 4 years he just left. And here I am today alone miscarrying my sweet baby. My parents aren’t around. No friends. It’s just me and I’m so tired of being so alone and feeling so empty. I just want the pain to stop

        1. No wonder you feel such despair. Well I know it’s not much but I am here. And I hear you. I feel and understand your pain. No human should be left holding all of this alone. It isn’t fair. And I hear that you feel abandoned. I am also honored you shared with me—trust me. Did the “I have had enough” feeling come on all at once or has it been building? I am guessing the bf leaving was the big blow. That’s the reaction everyone dreads. They don’t show that one in the movies.

  58. i was scammed, i came her for help dying not help staying alive. i want to die. life is so stupid. i consent to dying so just let me die. goddamn i lose everything and i cant even kill myself right.

    1. I can understand and appreciate your anger. If I was in as much pain as you are now, I wouldn’t be sweet jolly sunshine either. While I can’t fix your brain pain or offer instructions on how to die, I can listen and I will reply.

    2. $26,000. What is this number you ask? This is the dollar amount that my life is worth. So many people say “Oh you can’t put a price on a life! You’re priceless!” I assure you, they are wrong. In my state and area, the average cost for a funeral, completely covered in all ways possible, is $26,000.

      What does this mean? I will be open and honest. This means that once I have saved $26k, I can finally be free of this world. I see no point in existing further. I have no parents left, no siblings, no wife or children. I work a job that, let’s be real, is meaningless. More defined, my position can easily be filled by another, and the work done truly has no great impact on the daily lives of any one person.

      With nothing to live for that has any real meaning, what is the point in continuing? To continue working a full job, just to maintain a drab lifestyle to eventually retire, sit at home and wait to pass? I truly have no hobbies I enjoy, for most everything costs so much money, that I simply do not have. I have no “real” friends or people I spend time with or converse with, other than co-workers during the normal workday.

      Why should one continue to live such a life that brings them no joy, and only inflicts furthered pain, suffering, and loneliness each and every moment? My reasoning for continuing on is to reach that $26k in savings. If I can reach that, I will truly no longer be a burden, as I will be able to afford my own funeral, instead of making the state pick up that cost.

      And I’m only $14,300 off of my goal. Freedom. Bless you all, and may no one ever feel the emptiness I feel, may you all be loved and cared for.

      1. Man Broken Soul. You were so good at expressing your pain I feel it in my bones. Was there anything in particular that triggered all this? Or is it something that has been happening over a long period of time? If you don’t mind my asking.

        1. What I have realized is, the precipice of this realization started in June of 2020. I lost my job, the career I have worked so hard for, for so many years. The very people I was closest to, were the ones who turned their back on me and caused so many problems at my job, my employer terminated me. Certainly I am upset by this. What it has made me realize though is, over 90 percent of the issues I mentioned before, have been building up for years, I just never realized it. I never realized it because the job I had, what one could consider a “dream career”, or job that you have wanted for many many years, a job that was meaningful, was a position of prestige and professionalism, a position of admiration and respect, and that directly benefited so many people daily. The traumatic loss of that position, and the ridicule and torment that has followed, has also been a beacon of light, showing just how many demons have been hiding in the closet waiting to come out. Losing my entire sense of self worth, my entire support system, and realizing I will never again be in a position of dignity either professionally or personally, has led me to where I am today. I am not in anger, nor am I under any great emotional distress. I have accepted my new position in life, however it is not something I wish to continue to bear the burden of. Many so called friends have given the advice of “you just need to set new goals!”, and I agree, and have done just that, a goal of $26,000 to free myself and be at peace with that decision

          1. What a devastating loss that has been. It’s like you are grieving the loss of this job, and the identity and connections that went with it. That’s what it sounds like from my perspective. And then you felt that imposter syndrome—like it was all fake to begin with because of all these demons that you’d ignored. And it just all collapsed at once, it crushed you as a human. Have I got that right? You are very articulate in your communication by the way. I am guessing that is a trait you developed in this job?

  59. i just wanna say im sorry about your son. im sure he loved you so very much. i miss my dad more than a