How to hang yourself

You are in pain but there is no rush to kill yourself right now.

I am so sorry you feel so badly that you are looking up a way to die. I’m putting a video here from my son who suffered from depression and addiction to heroin and died by suicide. I know my son looked up this phrase, too.

People who were hurting as much as you are have told me these videos helped them. They are from my son, Charles’ hurting soul.

I miss him every single day.

Please tell someone. Please talk to someone.  

U.S. Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. U.S. Crisis text line 741-741.

Suicide hotlines for other countries

Suicide Hotlines England

The one below is more like comedy but people tell me it helped them.

So you are contemplating suicide…

69 thoughts on “How to hang yourself”

  1. Heh…. Iam really happy with the amount of people you helped, it really does make me happy to see others happy. As in my case… I see that this life of mine is pretty much worthless, the reason I searched for “how to hang yourself” or more specifically “how to push yourself to hang yourself” is because I see absolutely no meaning in my life, someone who cares about nothing but just games and can’t concentrate at studying at all so I just know how will my life path end up and I know the easiest way to run away from all of this is just committing suicide but…. That thing that I posses was just way too scared to be able to do it which why I added “how to push yourself” cause I was literally there, the point where I was able to end it all and everyone will be finally happy that I finally vanished from existence, heh…. That is if they even noticed I stopped going to school all of the sudden…

    And I can finally be done with all of the bullying that continued from primary school all the way to high school, though it did stop at secondary level 2 but after what? After I have lost everything? After I forgot how to talk properly? After leaving me talk to only myself? Though… I should thank them tbh, they made me know what that world truly look like and know how worthless staying there is cause really now… Everyone is going to die someday, so why would I even spend any effort if I know everything I will do will be gone in the end? Why keep waiting when the possibly of sinning is increasing in each day after day. I reached the point of not caring about anything, I eat less, I almost don’t pray at all, I sleep a lot, I don’t open my books till the exams are near, I… I Don’t even care if I will be going to heaven or hell, I just want this to end…. I even remember when my mother was angry at me and said how much she hated me and said that if she was able to get the knife she would have killed me and then been happy, after that I went to the kitchen and got a knife and gave it to her and said “here you go, Iam ready”…. Sadly…. She couldn’t do it…. And I had to stay in this boring world…. The one thing that strongly keeping me back from trying to hang myself everyday is that Iam actually a content creator and I only released 1 thing and want to make more for others to play, but then comes in my mother taking all my stuff even though it’s a holiday, and after my only happiness gets taken… I try to hang myself when my mother and sister go out. Yeah might be a stupid reason but for me…. I really care about doing so… And it just gets taken from me.
    This isn’t really everything I wanted to say but Iam a really forgetful person and forgot what did I even want to say.
    And sorry if all these things are just way too dumb for such a serious thing as depression

    1. Omar – Your words and your pain are very important. I am so sorry you are hurting and feel worthless. And I am so sorry about your family. We don’t get to pick that do we? She obviously does not understand. A lot of people don’t. That is trauma and I’m sorry you have to endure that.

      You made mention of creating content. What if that content might help someone? Typically I find that deep feelers such as yourself are very talented and these thoughts go with that talent unfortunately. But if you go, you take that skill with you. What might happen with it? We would sadly not find out if you were to leave us. What if there was a greater purpose for you and you can’t yet see it for all this pain you are experiencing. There is only one you. Ever. If you go, you take whatever you can create with you. Tell me more about your what you are doing with your content.

      1. Well actually it’s something like adding my modifications to it, and Iam not the only one that does it but a bunch of other people as well and I am really just a starter who just made 1 thing and isn’t even able it finish a 2nd one cause of my mother taking the laptop and I just doing nothing in my life
        So nothing would drastically change if I stopped all of the sudden pulse, not that much of these people know about it so not all of them know about me
        If only my mother knew that what I do and spending all that time on the laptop only keeps me mentally stable…

        1. Omar- I am so sorry. I understand your being frustrated at your mom for taking away the laptop. I would bet she has no idea it’s been a lifeline for you. Part of what is making the suicidal thinking worse for you is not having support, so you’ll need to seek that outside your home. And I think your mom just does not understand mental illness. I often see that with parents who don’t understand mental illness and the suicidal thinking that drives it. Believe it or not, they often come around eventually. I see you are in Egypt so there may be cultural issues I’m not aware of. .

          Do they have support groups there? If not, is there someone at a school or church you could reach out to? To explain your feelings of depression and suicide. Mental illness is not always accepted in certain cultures so I’m not sure what it’s like there and that’s why I am asking you to educate me. Thank you for coming back. For sticking with us. For telling me more.

          1. I do believe there is no groups there.
            And I remember *trying* to bring it up with a friend of mine but… I guess I was too scared of the outcome of the conversation, especially since we were riding a transport (a car that caries about 12 people) but Iam kinda happy I didn’t, cause I was going to ask things like “what will you do if your friends died?” and then “and what will you do if you knew they were the one who killed themselves?” So yeah, it would have been a pretty weird conversation.
            And I don’t think going to a mosque would help me cause I am not that good at public speaking and don’t know what am I supposed to say there, so it would be kinda awkward to me

            1. So can you talk to one religious leader at a mosque? Not a whole group. If that’s possible. I don’t know the structure of a mosque very well. And maybe with your friend, you say, “Can I tell you something personal? Something I’ve not shared with someone else and have been afraid to tell?” I hope that helps Omar.

              It looks like your country is making an effort to address mental illness. So there are people who are sympathetic. I found these two articles.

              http://www.cairoscene.com/In-Depth/Mental-Health-in-Egypt-8-Stories-of-The-Stigma-by-Patients-and-Professionals https://www.al-monitor.com/pulse/originals/2017/10/egypt-health-campaign-mental-illnesses.html

              By the way, your English is spectacular. You must be very intelligent. You could write something about your experience for this site. I know that helps me. To write. Would you be willing? I think it helps others to understand suicidal thinking. I hope you don’t mind my asking.

              1. I really want to ask for someone’s help but think of how awkward my future conversations with that friend of mine would be, and I don’t like to be treated differently just because I have a problem or something like that, I guess that’s another reason I don’t want to bring it up.
                now about my English, I won’t say I studied really hard and kept studying English day after day, all I did was just watch YouTube videos, day after day I watch like 20+ videos a day (probably even more but, eh) and while watching I guess the meaning of the words I don’t know and it really helped me cause if I learned English from school… I would have pronounced a lot of words wrong (yeah… they were that bad), but I am still not that good with grammar tbh.
                and about writing my experience… umm… I don’t really know if I will be able to do so, not that I don’t want to but maybe it will be hard to get some clear information from someone as young as me, and I don’t mind you asking at all.

                1. Omar- I think I’d rather you have an awkward moment than be dead. So I would start off saying that it’s awkward but I would tell an adult. They’ll know more resources. Usually someone religious is a good start. A lot of people go to them. Someone who is empathetic is usually a good choice. Someone your age might not get it unless they suffer from the same thing. I have never been to Egypt so I am unfamiliar with the resources.

                  This is hard. I know it is. And I am pushing you because I want you to save your own life. If you had a heart problem, you’d ask for help. This is really no different. Suicidal thinking is an illness of the brain. That is a major organ. You are not asking for help because you are weak. You are asking for help because you are strong. It takes a lot of courage. But you have already posted here. And that is a pretty brave step.

                  You can come back and write something later when you are ready. And I think you will. I love how you learned English. That’s amazing. Both my sons made youtube videos for years. By the way, this might not allow you to reply as it nests only so deep. If that’s the case, just start a new message.

  2. My parents fight all the time. I’m always alone,I have no one. My friends and

    family have all turn on me. No one really actually cares about me. I’m just so depressed. I’m confused if I should trust anyone at this point. I feel that if I was dead everybody would be happy or they wouldnt even notice. I have nothing to live for. It wouldn’t matter if I died anyway.

    1. Lily. I’m telling you that you do matter. I don’t think because your parents fight that it has anything to do with you. What I’m saying is that it’s not personal. They are caught up in their own fight with each other and they don’t realize how it’s affecting you. But I do understand that being in that environment makes you feel unloved. Especially if it’s constant. Please don’t end your life. Because you take your talent and potential with you. These feelings you have, as awful as they are, are temporary. If my son were here today, he’d tell you to stay with us. Charles would break out in a freestyle rap song just for you. He did that one time, you know.

      I hope years from now, you are telling some other young person who has almost given up hope about that one time when you were thinking of ending your life. But you didn’t. You’ll tell her how you did find someone to talk to and you worked through it. Maybe a school counselor? A teacher? A minister? You have taken the first step and told someone here. That’s a courageous first step. Thank you for having the courage to comment here.

    1. I know you have to hurt to be looking up this phrase. I am sorry it hurts so much. My son felt that way. You have reached someone that cares. I hope you will tell me more or reach out for help. I am willing to listen.

  3. Hello I am here today cause of the thoughts of taking my own life. If I only had a gun it would have been done long ago and I would not have to be here on earth. It’s hard to say really how I feel from day to day when you know just around the corner the good turns cold and black. I just hate the sudden changes in moods from being on top of the world to being a loser all in the same day.
    Having ptsd does not help matters it only makes it worse. I can not blame others on how they view me some call me crazy, stupid among other words. They don’t know about me and the ptsd I suffer from cause I never talk about it. Only reason I do not talk about it is I do not want to be treated different then them. Plus I know for a fact when you tell people that you have ptsd word gets out like a wildfire then people use this against you. My trust in people around me I don’t have any and this makes it much harder to be part of my neighborhood.

    1. Rodney – First, I am glad you do not have a firearm and that you are still with us. Second, I’m impressed with the courage it took for you to post this comment and tell me how you are feeling. I know you feel awful to be looking up how to kill yourself. I am sorry you feel shame for your PTSD. I want you to know that it’s something that happens in your brain that is beyond your control.

      I want you to find one person to talk to and ask for help. There has to be one person you trust. If not, look for a hotline in your community. Sometimes people want to tell a complete stranger. To save yourself, you have to take that first step. It’s a hard step but you’re moving in that direction by posting here. You’ve already made one courageous move. You can’t fix this by yourself. You need someone who can get you to a mental health professional for help. I am honored you posted here. Thank you.

      1. Suicide hotlines don’t help people really thinking about suicide. If anything it makes them feel shittier about themselves that there last resort is to call someone they don’t even know to tell theme there life is valuable. I hate this world and I wish I wasn’t such a wimp to have the courage to kill myself

        1. I do wish there was a better resource as far as the hotline. Whenever, possible I try to link people to local resources.

          If you are saying that those who don’t kill themselves are wimps, most of the world is in that category so we live in a world of wimps and I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful you are still here and had the courage to comment. Some part of you is fighting for you and I hope you find some spark of light to move towards. I am so sorry you struggle. I know my son did, too

  4. Anne, I am so sorry to read about the loss of your son. Many of the posts here are heartbreaking, particularly Debbie’s and I hope she found a different answer. I have been battling severe depression and anxiety for most of my life, much of that brought on by a hostile childhood & adolescence. I’m not sure if PTSD can be caused by growing up in a constant battleground but even other people’s voices can often cause me stress when I hear them, and I feel that I am always on edge, especially in social situations where eye contact is involved.

    I’m 34 and moved from side of the USA to another, and took a job in a brand new city far away from any friends or family members. I did that for a few years and then the isolation gradually broke me down even more than I already had been…I found myself pausing my daily activities to make my home silent enough to hear things going on outside if I heard other people in the building hallway. Even without being prompted by outside sounds, I would also compulsively look out of my door peephole into the hall, I suppose always in wait of something awful coming my way. After quite a while of this I quit my full time job on a whim, without anything else lined up…just completely lost interest as I continued to delve deeper into self-loathing, alcohol abuse & pornography addiction. I haven’t had a girlfriend in 5 years and I’ve never had a good relationship or been in love, so I fell back on these selfish tools of comfort, and my vices would momentarily ease my pain. I was told earlier this year by my doctor that I have caused some mild damage to my liver and it scared me enough to slow down drinking for a little while but that has picked up again in full force just months after this news.

    After quitting my job, I was unemployed for a couple of months before getting a new opportunity with another company. I worked there a week before losing interest and walking out. A week afterwards I started another job, only to quit that one two weeks later as well. After another month or so, I was brought into the best employment opportunity I’ve ever had, and there was a brief period of feeling optimistic about my future. By this point I was in a bad situation with back rent and teetering on eviction from my apartment but worked something out with the building manager but it would take making huge payments to them twice a month and the idea of that was very overwhelming. I worked for this new job for 3 weeks, and realized that I would not make enough money to fulfill the arrangement I made with the building management, in addition to my anxiety really making it difficult for me in the office around so many new people. I quit that job and decided to move back home to the other side of the country, and had a little bit of money to help. So here I am today, back in my home state and I did not receive the hero’s welcome I anticipated. I’ve been back down a week and a half and already having some issues with my family, and my friends are not providing me much support. I understand that people have their own lives but a little support for an old friend during a rough time would have been appreciated. I just recently accepted a full time job here, which normally would be exciting for someone in my position to have already accomplished that but since no one will help me out with a place to stay, I have found myself homeless and living in a very dirty, bad motel that I used all of my remaining money to rent for a few nights. I have no where to go in a few days and no money, and this makes it very challenging to try and start this new job opportunity.

    Sadly, my closest friend lives just a few blocks from this particular office and it would have been so easy for me if given just a month to get enough money to at least rent another motel, but he is not budging. I didn’t do him wrong and we are good friends, so it’s hard to accept. I must seem like a pretty lame person if no one wants to help me out, and I’m starting to believe that myself. My prospects are either to sleep out on the street somewhere, and clean up in public restrooms and try to work this office job for a month in these conditions before I can use my money to improve my life; or I can simply hang myself in my motel as I’ve been planning for two days now.

    I tried to tell my father on the phone earlier tonight that I am thinking of hanging myself and he countered that by ignoring it completely and then telling me about his own life frustrations. You don’t know him but that’s pretty typical of him and he’s the primary cause of many of my issues, and not feeling validated in my darkest hour certainly does not make me feel cared about and does not make me want to change my mind about my fate. I have not drank today but I had a dangerous amount of alcohol over the last two days and I feel like everyone I know is at war with me at the moment. There is more to that to support the claim but it’s just too much to analyze here. The idea of easing my pain once and for all is very tempting; to leave this ugly world behind while at the same time forcing the people closest to me to examine themselves and consider that I was really as dire as I tried to illustrate to them, when they all refused to help me.

    1. Oh Tim this is so heartbreaking. I do read in your comment a will to live in addition to a will to die. I hope you will choose life. Your situation is difficult and so very painful. This might sound stupid so please forgive me if it is but have you thought of a support group? There are AA chapters everywhere and they often have ties to resources in an area.

      It’s amazing what you have accomplished despite there being trauma or mental illness that has proven disruptive to your relationships. Being loved is important to human beings. It starts with loving yourself first. Support groups are free and numerous. Start by connecting with people who have likely been where you are now. Having been to these groups myself as an invited visitor I have heard remarkable stories of comeback. (By the way, you are obviously intelligent, articulate and write very well.) So if I had to leave you with one thing, it would be to start taking the steps to love yourself first. Please keep me updated.

      1. Thank you, Anne. I will consider your advice, and that is why I wrote here, because you seem to genuinely care about those who are suffering. Loving myself is far from where I am at this point, though, and there are many private details I know about myself that stand in the way of that. I don’t have any answers but it felt good to write about it & I deeply appreciate you reading it, and validating me. That is something that is important to me.

      2. As an update, my father contacted me again and offered to fly me out to him, in another state and help me out a bit. I’m going to try that before I do anything I can’t take back. Thank you, Anne, for just “listening” to me and everyone who comments here. I will be interested in continuing to follow your page and the posts here. You are honoring your son in a great way by just being here for those who stumble upon your page when contemplating suicide and that is something to be proud of.

        1. I could just cry I’m so happy about this. Parents sometimes take a while to come around. They don’t understand. I know it took me a while. So be patient with your dad. Try to explain things without passing judgement and hopefully he will follow suit. Thank you so much for coming back and updating me. Very thoughtful. Do keep up with us here. We’re a growing village of people who can relate from one point of view or another.

        2. Tim F., I’m glad your still here with us. I’m sympathetic to your past and current sufferings and hardships in your life. I hope that you never give up even when life gives all the negativity with a lack of positivity. Don’t give up ever. We are all important in this universe. Keep trying!

  5. I have suffered from deppression since I was 19 I’m 45 now I can not go on like this any more ive got a 13 yr old son who has autism adhd I’m a rubbish mom I hate myself I hope I can get out out I’ve looked up how to hang your self and the most pain less suicide due to my thoughts I’ve crushed tablets I carry with me I think if i drink a bottle of vodka with x200 sertilne antidepressants that shud do it or throw my self in front of a train or car

    1. Debbie- That is so difficult. Raising a son with autism is very hard and all you can do is the best you can do. I know how it feels to not be supported in an effort to raise a child who has invisible disabilities. I hope you won’t follow through with any of the plans you’ve written about. I know life can be cruel and hard and you are suffering right now. Thank you for commenting and know that we are here for you although I was slow to respond. Please let me know if you are still with us and your son still has a mother.

      1. Hi ann im still here only by a very thin line i LOVE my son i do feel like giving up had ENOUGH now sorry I’ve not been well and im GONNA find the best poss way to fall to sleep and never awake again i hope i die in my sleep i won’t KNOW i will be in my sons heart and soul but not here in PERSON i do feel he will have a good life with out me cruel i know but it’s not fair if i tell my mental health doc they will take him im not emotionally fit or physical for him he deserves to be with a good family god bless you xXx ive looked up lots on Google how many tablets to take what will trigger my heart off overdose injectect heroin ive never done drugs or get a hose pipe carbon dioxide xx

        1. Debbie- I want you to give it some time. I have a post I am publishing tonight from a friend who has felt EXACTLY as you are feeling. You can always kill yourself later. There is no deadline.

          And reversing the situation. How would you feel if your son killed himself? If you cannot imagine, I can share my personal experience.

          1. Hi im still suicidal i had to get xmaz out of the way for my son YOUR probably thinking y is debbi still here IM STRUGGLING TO START TO 1 KNOW HOW TO DO IT PROPERLY 2 THE TIME 3 WERE 4 I DON’T WANT TO FAIL 5 I WANT OUT JUST HANG MYSELF PROPERLY6 OR TAKE A OVERDOSE I CAINT GO ON IM SUFFERING EVERY SECOND ……

            1. Oh Debbie I can’t imagine how it is to feel the way you do. You have endured so much suffering. You can’t figure out all of this now and there is no need to kill yourself now either. It’s too much to think about so call someone who will listen. Please, please call this UK line: 020 8399 6676 (local call charges apply) National telephone: 116 123 (this number is free to call). It’s in the UK. And please come back here again. We are with you even if you are in pain. We are listening. I am listening. We hurt with you. Here is the website: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

              1. Thank you anne im feeling suicidal every second of every day i just feel like this is the easy way out no more pain im SUFFERING in silence it will b too late i just caint get it out of my head voices telling me i will do it i will find the right TIME im y do i feel im hanging on for something ….. sorry anne you prob wont hear about my death as yr in the usa im goin to do a diary until the e.n.d.❤❤❤❤❤❤

                1. If you were having a heart attack you would call emergency services. Your brain is being attacked and you need to call. Something is not right with your brain chemistry and you need medical help. I hope you will call for help. Thanks for answering. Please call emergency services in UK

                2. Debbie,
                  I am so sorry that you are in pain and hurting so much. When my son died, I could barely stand the pain and wanted so much for it to go away. I knew I could get through it 1 min. at a time, which became 1 hour, which became 1 day.

                  Do you have anyone around to talk to? Sharing your burden really does help. Please know I will be praying for you. Keep reaching out. There are people where you are and here that will talk to you.

                  Please, please call this UK line: 020 8399 6676 (local call charges apply) National telephone: 116 123 (this number is free to call). It’s in the UK. And please come back here again. We are with you even if you are in pain. We are listening. I am listening. We hurt with you. Here is the website: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

  6. I seriosly can’t take it anymore my parents divorced now and I get blamed all the time I’m living a terrible life and in pain I’ve tried pushing through each day and I can’t take it anymore I’ve done self harm for about a year now and now it doesn’t relieve that feeling I have I really just can’t be here anymore

    1. Your parents’ problens Or how they deal with yours are not your fault. I am so sorry you feel that Blame. I will tell you that for me those difficult times have made me stronger. I would not have chose to be in stronger this way but that’s what happened. I hope you will give life another chance. Thank you so much for sharing here. It helps me understand losing my son to suicide. The feelings that sufferers have helps me to understand

  7. The only reason that I am still here today is that I was going to hang myself at work. I wanted them, being my colleagues and my employers to see my dead body and show them what happens to nice people who get abused all their life.

    1. Oh Clive. It’s not worth it to sacrifice yourself to make a point to people who are unkind to you. They are not worth you giving up your life. Not worth your son losing a father. Don’t give up on you.

      When I experience unkindness, too, I just have to feel sorry for them. Because they are only skimming the surface of life. It’s hard but this strategy does work for me and I don’t know if it works for others.

      1. I don’t think anyone really understands my pain or how I actually feel and all the evil I carry. Not knowing yourself or who you and trying to fit into the world is very confusing. I try to be nice, treat everyone like I should but still get rejected by people. All because when I get upset and angry with them when I feel mistreated. I really hate myself because I am very irrational and u can not control my feelings and emotions. I feel so alone, worthless and confused. I do not know what to do. I Have been severely wronged at work by being assaulted for standing up to a bully. I was not rude and did not swear. All I asked was for him to stop with his horrible comments about me. I am confused why the company never sacked the guy. Also I feel very let down by the people who witnessed including a supervisor. They all failed to give a statement to the Police. I have to go to work now know one talks to me. I am made to feel I am the problem. I realise now my who live around being abused whether by my parents, social services, people who I meet and now my colleagues and employers. Maybe it’s me, maybe let them. All I know I can’t take it know more. I just want to go to sleep.

        1. You know what Clive. I see some change in this post. You feel confused but this one is different because there is more self awareness and openness to changing yourself. You can’t change others right? But you can change yourself and sometimes when you do that, others react differently towards you. So no need to kill yourself today because you are onto something. A glimmer, however brief, of hope. You have made a huge breakthrough here.

          Now how do you start to know how to change you? Because that’s what really matters right? You can actually print your response here and maybe a therapist or support group could help? Maybe you write something for this site like your comment above and have people who also suffer as you do tell you what worked or is working for them. Just some thoughts but you are making progress. Did you realize that? Progress is often hard work and painful but it has a reward. I hope you stick around for the reward part.

    2. Clive I feel that every day I feel no way out it’s killing me inside that knowing I’m feeling this way my son who will be there for him it’s all about regrets about my past I hope my son will be looked after sorry you too feel this way as it’s the easy way out as one says but it’s not the answer is it I lost my sister and dad I’m in a lot of pain suicide that’s the only answer for me

          1. Anne moss rogres what a story i still now feel suicidal ive had to call the Samaritans they are 💯i cry my eyes out so sad i look at my son who i love so much as i never had a family was in social services care as my birth mother left me 6 weeks old AND 4 sisters we had a abusive childhood memories of the dark times i see my sister who died of cancer 39 years old i want to be with her i caint go on any more i hope theres a place for me but they say if you take YOUR own LIFE you go to hell i dont want that but maybe my punishment for taking my own life as Clive said enough is enough theres ppl suffering all over the world and me writing my last letter until i die…….

            1. Wow. People are so harsh. And I am so sorry you feel such intense emotional pain. Does it help to talk about it? And I understand how hard that must be. So you have lost a child. I know how that hurts. We know nothing really about what happens when we die. People think they know but we really do not. I wish I could tell you something.

              But Here is what I can say. Thank you for opening up and telling your story. It’s important. Important to others who come here. So they know they are not alone in those experiences. I am part of a trauma network focused on prevention and for treating Kids Early who have been exposed to the kind of trauma you lived. My hats off to you for still staying with us and having the courage to talk about it here. I am truly honored.

  8. Thank you for your kind words. I am still here to try and fight. I have been fighting this horrible evil in me all my life.

  9. I came to this by accident. On my phone, trying to find a way out of this hell I can no longer bear and tapped this link instead of another. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I’m not sure where one goes after suicide but if I see him, I’ll be sure to tell him that he’s missed. Bless you.

    1. I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope you’ll give life another chance. Please check in later and let me know you are still with us. It’s people like you that will help us connect with each other again. We need you.

  10. Hi, I don’t know why I am writing this or what for but I wanted to comment.. your son is very talented and seems like a very special person. I am a similar age, i’m 23, and I didn’t even realise myself that I was contemplating suicide until I typed the name of this article on to google… I am in so much pain, and I don’t believe I’ll ever feel better, I can’t imagine a future for myself I can’t imagine me getting older and it scares me. I’ve never said these words out loud before, but I wanted to after reading all of this.

    1. Thank you for commenting Hannah. I think during that brain attack known as suicidal ideation its natural to feel like there is no future. Please reach out for help. Because there is help. There is hope. If I can survive the most devastating loss of my life I promise you can find hope. Please don’t give up and I love that you had the guts to comment. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

      1. You know I’ve been in this fog sort of Feeling for over a year and just looking over my life on how badly I hate it. Some things in life aren’t meant to be, such as me living. The emotion I am in causes deep hatred within me and makes me wanna become a ghost. Nothing matters anymore and nothing will ever matter anymore. life has been nothing but a joke with me and I am ready to end it.

        1. Rick- I am so sorry you feel that way. The first year after my son died, I didn’t know how to go on or if I would ever experience joy again. I did seek help. What worked for me was group therapy. I found support groups. I did take medication and the two together eventually got me on track. When you feel so low, it’s so hard to see past that. I do hope you ask for help. I know that takes a lot of courage to do so.

  11. I googled how to hang yourself because im on so much pain everyday and im just not excited about anything anymore. I really felt strong in finding away to end it tonight but find myself crying and ashamed . Thank you .

    1. Tom, this is why Anne Moss lives and breathes these days–to reach out and connect with people just like you. Please consider taking up her offer and writing to her. Your experience has meaning and value. YOU have great value. ❤️

    2. I really can not take anymore pain. I can not see a way out. I have been suffering like this my entire life. I am in my 40s. I have tried doing everything right. I follow the law and have morals. Nothing ever goes right. I do not fit it anywhere, in society or at work. Everything is just my fault. I have suffered abuse from very early childhood and it seems to continue even now. I think death is the only way that can erase my pain.

      1. Clive- I am so sorry. Such agonizing emotional pain. I know working through all this must seem like an insurmountable chore. Depression, I am guessing. You took a courageous step here to comment. So I will ask if you have asked for help before? I hope you will do that.

        1. Thank you for replying. I am currently in group therapy for one session a week. This is coming to a close as it is only a year long course. I do not feel brave, in fact I feel very weak physically and mentally. I really do not think I can go on with this pain any more. I know I am going to leave behind my partner and children. They will be much better off without me around. I won’t have to wake up every day dreading no one ever again…

          1. Thank you for replying to me. I don’t think once a week group is quite enough help for you at this time. Typically, in my experience, it takes therapy and medication. And maybe more therapy at first. I’m not a mental health professional but I care about people. I care about you.

            Actually it is brave to comment. I am actually honored that you trusted me enough after reading this to comment. Hundreds come by this post every month and they do not comment at all. But you did. That takes guts so I think you are actually on the right path to finding the courage to take it just one more step further. People like you, deep feelers, are important because you see into the souls of others. You are actually just the kind of person that will help us develop a more caring culture. We really can’t accomplish this without people like you.

            Besides that, it’s thoughtful to comment on this post. Maybe you don’t know this but when you comment here, you help me, too. It means a lot to me. It’s hard to explain why but maybe it’s because I feel like you have in some way connected with the darkness my son felt. But while I feel badly for you there is something special about it that gives me hope. It means you are alive now and didn’t follow through. That maybe my boy had something to do with that. So thank you.

            I will ask a favor of you. You say “I know I am going to leave behind my partner and children. They will be much better off without me around.” Maybe it’s not fair to assume what they think? Maybe you should mention to them what you are thinking and let them tell you what they think.

            I know how painful it was for me finding out how my son felt AFTER his suicide. I didn’t know. I bet they don’t either. You could start by telling them you were googling the phrase and found this post. If they are anything like me, they will suffer a great deal if you are gone. A suicide loss is really like no other. Right now you need help finding a way out of that emotional pain. That’s OK. I needed help coping with my son’s death. I still do and I make sure I have that support. I tell someone when I need help. Sometimes that has involved medication, too.

            So some thoughts to summarize:
            • Talk to your partner if you can.
            • I have an article that might help you here on what to say or what to write in a letter. It says for teens but it could work for anyone (https://themighty.com/2016/12/how-to-tell-your-parents-you-want-to-die/)
            • Call someone in your group or the therapist that runs it

            Thank you for still being here today. Right now. It means you are trying.

          2. Clive, I don’t know what you’re suffering with that is making you feel suicidial. We want you to live despite you feeling pain and hurt. You’re irreplaceable and no one is like you. Suicide isn’t the answer, but love/charity is. Don’t given into defeat. Please don’t give up.

            1. I nearly gave up today. I have really have had enough of how I feel. My parents abused me, Social Services abused me and failed me. My colleagues have abused me now my Employers have abused me. I am so confused and lonely right now. What ever I do is never right. I feel so ashamed and guilty. My partner said to me last night that my 7 year old son is starting to be like me in the way he feels and is copying me. I really have had enough…. over 40 years of pain.!

              1. Clive I am so sorry. I’m sure Michael will log in and reply, too. All those painful feelings must be so hard to process. And overwhelming, too. But I’m so glad you are still with us. And I am going to bet your 7 year old is, too. What courage it took to comment today. To reach out to us in your darkest hour. That’s pretty amazing.

  12. I’ve been reading this blog since last Sunday when I came across it googling the exact same thing as the heading of this post.
    I don’t want this comment to be about me really. I wanted to say that I think your son is an amazing person. He is extremely talented. I watched this video of him above and it gave me chills, goosebumps, & it made me cry, a lot. It made me cry for 4 hours straight reading the posts here. He is oozing with passion & emotion & you can just *feel* the pain & heartache he expresses with his poem & it is so so powerful. I can tell you are honored to be his mother, & you should be.
    I find the posts and writing here to be quite moving. I am impressed with how you let it all out, not even afraid to question your own beliefs and it seems like you don’t even pretend to assume. It is raw, naked like you say, and brutally honest.
    I personally struggle with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, & addiction. I have been off of heroin since December 2014, traditional “recovery” never worked for me but ive been in therapy for almost 5 years & really thats what saved me. It is a battle everyday. I am so much better sober but yet the depression/anxiety still take me to the edge. I have been dealing with this for a long time. I am not some big success story. I really don’t know if I can do it forever. I have 2 young kids that help but sometimes…I’m ashamed to say, not even they can keep the darkness from haunting me. I apologize for writing about myself, I did because I just wanted to say I know what your son, that special young man, your boy Charles was going through. I have an understanding & empathy for you & him & your family & I just wanted you to know that.
    You have changed the way I think of my darkness, my ideation. I never once thought of it as a “brain pain attack” though that’s exactly right. I experience it in cycles and exactly, it’s ebbs & flows in intensity. Today I’m ok enough to want to try & fight another day, to comment here & let you know that you made an impact on this small speck of a persons point of view. I think this place is special. Like your boy. I’m going to keep checking in here when I feel despair.
    Thank you. Matt

    1. Oh Matt. I’m crying as I type this. I can barely breathe I am so thankful. I’ll take that “one more day.” All we can ask. I am even more thankful you wrote the comment that you did.

      I previously had something else on the page but a young man in California who suffers suicidal thoughts wrote me an email that Charles saved his life one night and so I put the videos that young man watched on this page based on what he said helped him.

      I am so sorry you suffer from the insidious disease of addiction. It is truly awful but I can tell you that these days I work side by side with people who have found recovery from all you have listed above and they are the most beautiful and passionate people I have ever had the honor to work with. It took a lot of support from family and friends. It took acceptance of addiction as a disease. In at least one case, the gentleman did not have any of that but found recovery and a job after multiple felonies.

      I actually think depression is a gift. Although awful, too, you have gifts that others don’t have and I hope you know that. You can see into the souls of others. And I truly believe it is the soulful people who suffer mental illness that will drag us out of this opiate crisis. Nothing is more valuable to human survival than lived experience.

  13. The pain from what he saw resonates, in me, a memory. I understand. Wrapping him and you in Love, Anne. Sharing.

  14. Whitten hung himself too. I clearly see that written on the death certificate. Hanging.
    Love you Anne Moss. We are kindred spirits.

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