How to hang yourself

There is no rush to kill yourself right now.

I am so sorry you feel so badly that you are looking up a way to die. I’m putting a video here from my son who suffered from depression and addiction to heroin and died by suicide. I know my son looked up this phrase, too.

People who were hurting as much as you are have told me these videos helped them. They are from my son, Charles’ hurting soul.

I miss him every single day.

Please tell someone. Please talk to someone.  

U.S. Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. U.S. Crisis text line 741-741.

Suicide Hotlines England

Suicide & Crisis Hotline Australia

Suicide hotlines for other countries

The one below is more like comedy but people tell me it helped them.

So you are contemplating suicide…

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

158 thoughts on “How to hang yourself”

  1. Thank you for your site. I was actually looking to hang model airplanes, but google offered me this option. I was curious because many years ago I was in danger of taking my life. It was tough so wanted to see what your site has to offer. Google gave wY that this was not actually how to hang yourself.

    It is very touchy to me that this exists. I think when I was in trouble I did feel alone and in tremendous pain, which it seems your son was in. Looking back I am of course glad that stuck around even though there has been pain since. I’m not sure what will help people survive such feelings, but I think having a supportive community resource like this one means a lot.

    I’m sorry for your loss and moved that you created the site.

    All my best,
    Cameron

    1. Cameron- Your comment is so essential in terms of offering hope. I am so glad you decided to take a look and take the time to make a comment. It is disturbing that people can look this up. I figured I should rank so I might be able to offer hope. I am thankful you are still with us and that you are glad you stuck around. And even better you are doing well. My son took his life during withdrawal from heroin. Thank you.

      1. I had my beautiful girl amber-rose stolen from me almost 4 months ago, she was only 16 years old, and was murdered, I can’t live with out her, I don’t want a life without her, I attempted suicide and was unfortunately found and revived, all I can think about is being with her, she’s my soul, I don’t want to live without her, every day is a day away from her and it’s living torture, I can’t do this

        1. Lisa. I lost my son to suicide. I know what you are going through. It is so devastating. If you are gone from this earth, how will you keep her memory alive? Please tell me about her.

  2. I have never done anything like this before and i am petrified of life. My marriage has broken down after 20 years and I cant see myself going on. I have put off doing anything yet as I have my son with me and he would be left alone as I am in a different country away from family. I have been putting on a front where people think i am doing ok but when I am behind closed doors the feeling of giving up is so strong. I have researched all sorts of ways and now realise hanging will be the best way to go. My husband has moved on and I have literraly been left with nothing I need to build my life back up from scratch and he doesnt seem to care of the consequences he hs caused. I will wait until my son has family around him. My family all care for me but that is not enough I dont want to live the rest of my life. I have wrote my letters to my husband so he can understand the pain and hurt he has caused. I have tried to tell him but he just says everything will be ok and I am strong and will get through this. I am the complete opposite. Once I am back in my own country and dont think it will be long before I go. But I just wanted to tell someone

    1. I am so honored you posted a comment here–that you trusted I’d care. And I do.

      First of all, you have my empathy. No support system, end of your marriage has come crashing down on you all at once. That’s a lot of emotional pain. On top of that, you are facing that feeling of starting from scratch. I have felt that, too. After my son died. That “where do I do from here and where do I start” feeling. Also that feeling that no one cares. All of that is so overwhelming. I just picked one thing to start with ultimately and built on that little by little. And over time I realized how many really did care.

      I understand “putting on a front.” I have done that, too. We think showing that vulnerable side of ourselves means we are weak when in fact, it takes incredible courage to ask for help. It is very hard for me to do that but have done that. And I do it now. My only regret is that I did not do it sooner.

      I hope you will honor someone else by telling them how you really feel. Someone you can trust. And if you don’t know of anyone, I hope you will call the Samaritans (I see you are in the UK). 116 123 (UK) or 116 123 (ROI)

      I will tell you this. Your son would never “get over it.” He will feel that loss for the rest of his life and wonder what he did wrong even though this has nothing to do with him. Most who have been where you are now, are so glad they made that call and asked for help. But I welcome you to keep replying to this comment and tell me more. I’m listening

    2. The same is happening to me. After 11 years of marriage, my husband does not want to be with me. I have two kids and I am trying to stay alive for them, but I feel so bad that I do not think I can make it.

      1. Oh Jenn, a separation and divorce is so difficult. I’m so sorry. I’m also so sorry you feel so badly you want to kill yourself. When a tragedy happens, like a divorce, it’s so awful at first. I remember how bad I felt that first few months after my son died by suicide. I could barely function. But every day got a little easier. Until I felt like others needed me. I am so hoping you stick with us. Your kids will never “get over” the suicide of their mother. You are much too important.

        Please feel free to keep talking. Keep posting. I’ll do whatever I can to help you feel supported.

        If you let me know your city and state, I’ll see if I can find a local hotline number. Sometimes they are better to help you through difficult times. I’m here. I’m honored you felt this was a safe place to post your darkest feelings.

  3. hi i suppose writing because i am now finding myself in a constantly in tolerable state of fear and emotional turmoil and have come to feel that through death i hope that i may come to find salvation from this daily excessive worry.Mine is a pathetic tale as i am a 52 yaer old male that never did learn how to survive in this world.I have always had a depression and fear since childhood derived from watching my father die a slow painful death due to a lung disease and I also suffer from social anxiety and due to these factors i havent worked for over 25 years.I have lived with my mother at the same location since birth. I have 2 siblings a sister 9 years older and a brother 8 years younger that never considered that i suffer from these conditions and although i have contributed greatly over the years in the maintenance and care of my mothers house they naturally think very little of me as do I as i never could get it together in regards to my future and lived in denial at home.During thae coarse of the last 10 yearsmy mother had gone through jaw and breast cancer and was in the relatively early stages of lung cancer when i unknowingly contracted phemionia and regrettably passed it to her resulting in her premature passing in may of 2017. Since then the grief depression anxiety and fear of being thrust into living on my own with no means of support and knowing nothin of how to get by or even how to cook has resulted in chronic insomnia and now i cant sleep without the aid of prescription medication.Following sale of her home i had no where to go and thankfully a friend [i only have 2]offered to rent me his basement till this spring[ i currently need to find my own place and am very scared] Iam in need of dentures and have no means to get them.I have no other family and although my brother tolerates me and has sown a bit of compassion to my situation my sister in all reality has no sympathy for me in the least.It has almost been a year since her passing and the depression and anxiety and stress has only gotten worse.I desperately ant to end this suffering but am very scared to go find a tree to hang myself but have now reached the point that i need to do this very soon as everything is indescribably overwhelming to me,I am hopelessly addicted to smoking and is the only thing that has calmed me and there is no place to rent that permits this.I dont know what else i can do other than end the trama in this fashion.I guess i am writing this as am hopelessly lost scared and just wanted to get it out in the event that i can find he courage to do what must be done

    1. Dave I am so sorry all this has hit you. I understand how the anxiety makes you feel so overwhelmed and I’m sorry you feel so badly you want to end your life. Thank you for trusting me, and us, enough to be so candid. I can’t help but hope you will not follow through.

      But Dave, someone able to take care of their mom like you have through two serious health illnesses plus the house, does have an in-demand skill. You are probably capable of taking care of someone else and get room and board as well as a little bit of money in exchange for the service. You could actually help take someone else’s mother or father. Just an idea.

      I hope you’ll come back and update us.

  4. I’m not angry with a particular person or about any incident. I’m just tired of struggling with suicidal thoughts and urges. I first attempted suicide when I was 14. I’m now 26. I get suicidal feelings every few months, sometimes I go through a really good patch for about 6 months. In those good patches I always fool myself into thinking that I’m “over it”, that I’ve outgrown it and I’ve left suicidal urges behind me forever. I do take medication already and it does help. Usually the suicidal thoughts pass within a weeks or so, before medication I would be dysfunctional during my down periods and they would last much longer.

    But I’m back here again. Feeling suicidal. Feeling angry that I’m feeling suicidal again, wondering what is wrong with me (I don’t have a bad life). I also feel like I will never be able to successfully be in a relationship because of my emotional struggles which is very disheartening. And worst of all is I’m starting to realise it’s never going to be over for me. I’m just going to keep on having suicidal feelings throughout my life. I just wish I had access to a quick method of suicide, like a gun, or IV overdose… I’ve tried various other methods, last night I was researching hanging (obviously), but I’m scared I’ll get it wrong and it will be very painful. Yes, there are people who love me and care for me. But I feel like I need to repress my personality all the time, with family, with friends, because they just aren’t capable of understanding the weirder, experimental side of me, and it causes a lot of anxiety and frustration. Anyway, I’m just tired of waiting to be “better”. I’m just tired…

    1. So eloquently put Barbara. I know that’s such a strange thing to say but you summed up what it is like in a paragraph. First, I am so sorry you are tortured with these thoughts. I know my son was tortured by the too. His was also cyclical like yours.

      I do want you to know that most of the time this, what you are experiencing, can be successfully treated. Not that it’s an easy but I understand you feel drained. Having lost a son to suicide, I know that feeling well. Being down and drained and feeling as if I had no purpose any more, But I have managed to find a way and I want you to as well. I want you to know this is a safe place where people understand. Don’t judge and listen. And I think if you copied what you wrote above and put that in a message to your family, they might also start to understand what you are feeling a little better. Please give that a try. Because I don’t want your loved ones to have suffer the kind of loss I have. It’s utterly devastating. And I wish my son had taken words like you wrote and handed it to me.

  5. it’s been a while i feel weak posting this but i need to tell someone that i’m not living longer. i’m good @ pretending everything’s good but when everyone forgets you life falls apart a little. i’m scared to death but the choice is made

    1. I am so sorry you feel this awful, Bella. My son used to say, “He wore the mask of a clown.” Good God I miss him so much. Can you tell me more about your pain and what hurts so much?

    2. I feel the exact same way. I googled “how to hang yourself” and this site came up. No one in my family knows so I wonder if I (we) are posting this to clear our conscience or test our will? I honestly don’t know, but I suspect we are trying to confront the finality of it all. Its cathartic
      to type this out, but its hard to write my final letters & make final arrangements without talking to anyone.

      1. I am so glad you had the courage to post here Robert. I really am sorry you feel this badly. I hope you will talk to somebody. You are welcome to talk here. Tell us how you feel. If you tell me your city and state (if you are in the U.S.) I can try to help you find a local crisis number to call.

        1. Anne,
          Disappointing that ur answer is an 800 number. You excruciatingly miss the point. I don’t blame you, but its obvious you just aren’t able to or are too busy to provide real direction or advice. Although this rings true to you on a personal level, you seem to me unable to connect with folk like me, who desperately need a savior. Your canned response is unsettling and, frankly, offensive. Shame on you for pretending to represent a noble cause in your son’t name, but half-ass your efforts.

          1. Actually, it’s not an 800 number. People find better resources at a local crisis hotline so that’s why I asked that. Some people want me to help them find that number. I actually spend a lot of time here thinking about how to answer people who are hurting and I truly am sorry you felt I was giving you a cookie cutter answer. Not my first error ever I understand your anger. I am still not going away. Persistence is part of my charm whether you like that or not. So far I don’t know much about you. Why you are hurting. If you have family. A dog. If you are in school. Why you feel the way you do. Are you from the United States. So if you are not entirely offended by me, tell me some of those things.

            I wish I could be a savior. Not for one second have I ever thought of myself that way. If I was a savior then my son would still be alive sitting beside me. He’s not. Half the time I battle thinking that I was the shittiest mom on the planet and how utterly naive I was to not see he was suicidal. After he died, it was all I could do to get up in the morning and some days are still very difficult. I still think about him every single day. I want a redo but I don’t get that. Living through his suicide was the single most brutal event I’ve ever endured. And it never ends. Not until the day I die. I try to give back and I am not perfect. All I can do is the best I can do. And there will be times that is not enough.

            You may not know it, but you are the center of someone’s universe. But it may be your brain won’t let you think it. So I would like you to tell me about you and why you are hurting so much you want to kill yourself. Help me understand.

            1. I just wanted to say thanks Anne. You brightened my day a bit ❤ thanks for offering some rare respect

          2. Robert anne is a top lady who has been though alot of pain and helping others like us plesae dont show disrespect as im suicidal every day and i just feel like giving up had ENOUGH now sorry I’ve not been well and im fed up of feeling like this i just want to die

            1. Thank you Debbie. I can’t imagine feeling so bad, DEBBIE. Have you always suffered from depression? Do you have depression? I can’t help but be happy you are still here. Just spoke to doctors today in support of suicide screening and then treatment

              1. Shock therapy can have unpredictable outcomes. Went through this with a friend 8 yrs ago. She was a mess. Memory loss, unstable – I helped her complete forms for disability. I think she had shock therapy almost daily for a few weeks. Going under anesthesia too. I would try the magnet or other therapy first. For some people this may be the only way but it is risky business. I think my friend was part of a clinical trial or some experiment and really feel the doctor was not looking out for her best interests.

              2. Please, please, do NOT recommend ECT!!!! (Shock therapy) The results are temporary at best. The side effects are horrific. There are many Doctors out there who use it as a cash cow. They can bill insurance for anesthesia, hospital care etc etc. and continue to recommend it even after it’s obviously ineffective. They will even use it where it is contraindicated, just so they can get the money!!! This has been my horrible experience. Please DONT recommend this!

                1. Colleen. Thank you for that. I didn’t know scams were tied to it.

                  I am guilty of getting Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) mixed up with shock therapy. That one is a noninvasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. TMS is typically used when other depression treatments haven’t been effective.

                  Have you ever had that? If so did it help?

      2. Robert – if you are still out there – you are not alone. I am a single father of a 13 year old son and struggle with depression and feelings of helplessness every day. Just tonight I looked up (again) the best way to hang myself. I am not sure what your story is – but reading your comments here tonight stirred something within me. I hope you are okay.

        1. Wow, Christopher. You really surprised me with your comment. Tell me how Robert’s comment affected you?

          Being a single father of a teenager has its own challenges, but can you tell me what you are struggling with?

          1. Hey Anne – depression is so hard to explain …. but for me it’s always there. Sometimes I am able to keep it at bay – more often lately – it can be smothering. I came across your site tonight while googling “hanging” and Robert’s words hit me hard. He said that no one in his family knew what he was struggling with and I kept thinking that if he were my son (or if my own son wrote those words) I would want him to tell me. Robert made me feel (for tonight) that I do have purpose. I kissed my son on the head just a bit ago and took another breath.

            1. I have had bouts of depression after general anesthesia –so a fleeting glimpse and not a lifetime of dealing with episodes. I only know of how thoughts of suicide feels from reading my son’s lyrics which is not the same but as close as I have been.

              That’s a beautiful answer and it brought tears to my eyes. So basically Robert’s comment made you think of what you had to live for–your boy. Thank you for sharing that. And thank you Robert.

              1. Anne – I did not mean to be insensitive to you and to your loss. I cannot imagine losing my son – especially in the way that you lost Charles. Do not for a minute think that you are not “a Savior” – because tonight – finding you, Robert and your site – you are my savior. Xoxox

                And Robert – if you are still out there – please reach out. We are listening.

  6. Still feeling very suicidal hurts gettin closer i hope i dont suffer as many ppl do im at the point of no return ……….

      1. I also just want to die. I feel it every day. I’m only in 8’th grade. I have no friends and I get bullied every day. Recently the bully made people walk away from me. And only one person didn’t walk away. I’ve been feeling this way for the past 3 months. I don’t know how to tell people that I want to die. I need help

        1. Dino- Bullying is so cruel. I am so sorry it has made you feel so bad about yourself you want to die. I want you to know I survived bullying. A lot of people have. I want you to know that. I also want you to focus for a moment on that one person who did not walk away. Bullies bully is because they are hurting too. Keep talking to us here if you get this message. Tell me more about how you feel.

          1. Thank you for responding. It means a lot to me to know that there are people outs there that are willing to help. Luckily, the bully is strange and is friendly one day and horrible on the other.

            1. You need to know this person is also struggling and acting out in ways to try to make himself feel superior. Most likely he is as much or more distress. I think bullying can be a kind of addiction. Personally, once I decided to look at that person and feel bad for them. This is how they choose to spend their time? I think it’s sad. What’s more it’s a good thing that you’d never do this to someone else. You clearly have the capacity for empathy. Our culture so needs that right now. And people like you are important to remind us of that. It really is a wonderful trait. I miss that so much after my son’s suicide. His capacity for love and empathy always made me feel better about things.

              1. Well, today my friend left me to be with her other friends. Now I’m really alone. And I’m so sorry about your son.

              2. My friend also just left me to be with her other friends. Now I feel utterly helpless. It doesn’t help that my friend attempted suicide recently and that I found out my sister attempted 3 times to kill her self. Why is my life so messed up and I’m incapable to help anybody.

              3. Should I call the suicide hotline? I’m afraid that the police will be called to my location. And from the stories I’ve read from people who called, they said that all the time the police are called. I’m scared and lost and don’t know what to do. I think I’d be better of dead. I would be less of a burden then.

                1. The alternative is to text 741-741. Where are you located? Maybe I can help you find a local line. They are often a better option. So let me know you city and state. You are not giving us your “location” by revealing that.

                  Just FYI: If the suicide hotline calls police in our area, they also call a team that is very helpful. They are not unkind these days and while it makes people mad, several thinking of suicide have told me that that call saved their life. Your other option is to go to the ER. I really want you to get the help you need because you are willing and do not want to die. Please reply. Thank you for coming back.

                    1. First of all I am honored you ask me to help. Thank you for your courage in reaching out. I also have listed here a teen/young adult crisis line as well. I don’t know your age. The local resources are your best bet. They’ll know the services that are available to you. Do come back and let me know how it goes. I am here for you.

                      Bill Wilson Center Youth Crisis Line (ages 7-24)* 888-247-7717

                      Teen Hotline* 650-579-0353

                      HOPELINE SUICIDE & CRISIS SERVICE
                      Phone: (800) 784-2433
                      Address: 828 South Bascom Avenue San Jose, CA 95128

                      SANTA CLARA COUNTY BEHAVIORAL HEALTH SERVICES: SUICIDE & CRISIS SERVICES
                      Phone: Toll-free: 1-855-278-4204
                      The Suicide and Crisis Services of Santa Clara County (SACS) provides a crisis hotline where highly trained volunteers are available 24 hours 7 days a week to talk with individuals in crisis. The goal of SACS is to assist in defusing and de-escalating the crisis and helping to return the individual to his/her usual level of functioning. Services are always available in English and in several other languages through a translator.

                      Santa Clara Valley Health & Hospital System
                      Suicide & Crisis Service
                      24 hours / 7 days
                      San Jose (408) 279-3312
                      North County (650) 494-8420
                      South County (408) 683-2482

                    1. You are welcome, Dino. You have gifts and if you are not with us, you take those with you. Let me know how it goes. If you can’t reply to this message, make a new one on this same thread.

      2. Hi anne im still here but very very closer to the point of SICK OF FEELING AND SAYING IM GOIN TO COMMIT SUICIDE ITS CLOSE JUST HOLDING ON FOR MY SONS SAKE IVE GOOGLED HOW TO HAVE A PAIN FREE DEATH IM SORRY TO WRITE THIS IVE BROUGHT A PETROL LAWN MOWER PUT IT IN MY CAR LEAVE IT ON .TAKE 500 CRUSHED TABLETS WITH VODKA. JUMP INFRONT OF A FAST RUNNING TRAIN .IM NOT GOOD I FEEL I WILL BE BETTER OFF DEAD IM BEING HONEST AND THAT’S ALL I CAN BE I DONT WANT PPL TO SAY PLS DONT DO THIS BUT EVERY MORNING EVENN IM FEELING SO LOW I HAVENT GOT ANY REGRETS XXXXLOTS OF LOVE TO YOU ANNE XXXX

        1. Oh Debbie I know this is not good news but I’m so glad you are still alive and staying alive for your son because you know he’d never adjust to your death. Thank you for knowing that and trying. We are here for you. Thank you for sharing your naked pain that is clearly unbearable.

          Have you ever seen the video about Kevin Hines who jumped off the golden gate bridge and survived?

        2. Today I am coming to you Debbie. I hope you answer. This is a brutal month for me. My son would have been 23. The whole month of April is tough since his suicide. And then Mother’s Day which burns it hurts so much. After that is the death anniversary in June. It’s so tough living without my son. I feel like such a shitty mother. Usually, I can talk myself out of that but today I can’t .

          1. Hi anne sending you love and peace thinking of you and your son im in a lot of a mess and thinking about you but next week is goin to be my last week on earth sad to say anne ❤❤your the best x

            1. Thank you Debbie and I hope you find help. Selfishly I want you to live and I hope that someone can help you with those awful feelings of suicidal ideation you suffer with. I think you do have value and b this earth. And I would really like to meet you in person one day

    1. Debbie I’m so sorry your thoughts of suicide are so pervasive. Thank you for checking in with us. I wish I could help you more. But I can read your thoughts, respond and let you know I and we are listening to you. That much I can do with an ocean between us. If I was there, I would give you a hug. Do call the Samaritans if you need to. See what resources they can offer you to help with the depression. It is obviously very bad.

      I am going to ask a few questions. Have you felt this way during the winter before? Do you get these feelings in summer and spring, too? What will happen to your son if you die by suicide?

      1. Anne ive had this feeling since i was 19 and its all year round and ive got my sons dad to be thete for my son as i was called a rubbish mom to my son whos 13 but acts and does things like a 4 year old he got his disabilities hes autism adhd he calls me nasty names hits me i dont feel any love from him or have i never felt love from anybody my mom left me when i was 6 weeks old my sister passed away from cancer and my dad and my friend died

        1. Oh Debbie, I am so sorry. That is a lot of pain. I am honored you trust me enough to tell me about your past. Those “adverse childhood experiences” would be one of the reasons you suffer from thoughts of suicide. Not feeling any love is a tough place to be. But do know we value you here. Thank you for coming back and commenting.

      1. Kay- Debbie came back and she is still with us. I asked her to call emergency services. Please encourage her to do the same. Keep the post simple and just ask her to call emergency services. Thank you. It’s above.

      2. Hi kat yes im here thank you for asking very kind of you i feel very low still y im hanging on i caint answer that my son i look at and i am crying now as i type my reply its my way of saying enough is enough ive suffered since i was 19 with deppression and ive tried to take my own life a few times but obviously not been able to do it properly ive been im the qeph mental health hospital in England uk samarations ive called i call most days im sorry for feeling this way theres people who want to live but i caint get to accept life x

    2. #1 We are glad you are still with us. Please call an emergency number Debbie. You have to get real help. They can get you out of this really bad place. Call emergency services now because you are in a life threatening situation.

    3. hi debbie. i hope you’re okay. i am going through similar problems. my mother died from suicide and since then i haven’t been the same. i have been self harming but not trying to kill myself. but i am not living for myself. i am living for my little brother and dad and other relatives. i couldn’t cause my brother more pain like what i’m in. i’m just in a living hell, you know? over the summer i went to the person that u go to before the therapist, i forget the name. they told me i have anxiety and depression and needed either meds, talk therapy, or both. my dad chose talk therapy, but then never took me back to the place. it’s kind of heartbreaking, because he doesn’t know the mental state im in and if i tell him about my self harm what if im sent to a mental hospital? the only time i’ve been to therapy was over a year ago, and i just didn’t like it there. it just wasn’t for me, you know? i needed to find a place that was perfect or at least good for me. and my dad got very angry that i didn’t like it there. im just lost with nobody to talk to. just music.

  7. Heh…. Iam really happy with the amount of people you helped, it really does make me happy to see others happy. As in my case… I see that this life of mine is pretty much worthless, the reason I searched for “how to hang yourself” or more specifically “how to push yourself to hang yourself” is because I see absolutely no meaning in my life, someone who cares about nothing but just games and can’t concentrate at studying at all so I just know how will my life path end up and I know the easiest way to run away from all of this is just committing suicide but…. That thing that I posses was just way too scared to be able to do it which why I added “how to push yourself” cause I was literally there, the point where I was able to end it all and everyone will be finally happy that I finally vanished from existence, heh…. That is if they even noticed I stopped going to school all of the sudden…

    And I can finally be done with all of the bullying that continued from primary school all the way to high school, though it did stop at secondary level 2 but after what? After I have lost everything? After I forgot how to talk properly? After leaving me talk to only myself? Though… I should thank them tbh, they made me know what that world truly look like and know how worthless staying there is cause really now… Everyone is going to die someday, so why would I even spend any effort if I know everything I will do will be gone in the end? Why keep waiting when the possibly of sinning is increasing in each day after day. I reached the point of not caring about anything, I eat less, I almost don’t pray at all, I sleep a lot, I don’t open my books till the exams are near, I… I Don’t even care if I will be going to heaven or hell, I just want this to end…. I even remember when my mother was angry at me and said how much she hated me and said that if she was able to get the knife she would have killed me and then been happy, after that I went to the kitchen and got a knife and gave it to her and said “here you go, Iam ready”…. Sadly…. She couldn’t do it…. And I had to stay in this boring world…. The one thing that strongly keeping me back from trying to hang myself everyday is that Iam actually a content creator and I only released 1 thing and want to make more for others to play, but then comes in my mother taking all my stuff even though it’s a holiday, and after my only happiness gets taken… I try to hang myself when my mother and sister go out. Yeah might be a stupid reason but for me…. I really care about doing so… And it just gets taken from me.
    This isn’t really everything I wanted to say but Iam a really forgetful person and forgot what did I even want to say.
    And sorry if all these things are just way too dumb for such a serious thing as depression

    1. Omar – Your words and your pain are very important. I am so sorry you are hurting and feel worthless. And I am so sorry about your family. We don’t get to pick that do we? She obviously does not understand. A lot of people don’t. That is trauma and I’m sorry you have to endure that.

      You made mention of creating content. What if that content might help someone? Typically I find that deep feelers such as yourself are very talented and these thoughts go with that talent unfortunately. But if you go, you take that skill with you. What might happen with it? We would sadly not find out if you were to leave us. What if there was a greater purpose for you and you can’t yet see it for all this pain you are experiencing. There is only one you. Ever. If you go, you take whatever you can create with you. Tell me more about your what you are doing with your content.

      1. Well actually it’s something like adding my modifications to it, and Iam not the only one that does it but a bunch of other people as well and I am really just a starter who just made 1 thing and isn’t even able it finish a 2nd one cause of my mother taking the laptop and I just doing nothing in my life
        So nothing would drastically change if I stopped all of the sudden pulse, not that much of these people know about it so not all of them know about me
        If only my mother knew that what I do and spending all that time on the laptop only keeps me mentally stable…

        1. Omar- I am so sorry. I understand your being frustrated at your mom for taking away the laptop. I would bet she has no idea it’s been a lifeline for you. Part of what is making the suicidal thinking worse for you is not having support, so you’ll need to seek that outside your home. And I think your mom just does not understand mental illness. I often see that with parents who don’t understand mental illness and the suicidal thinking that drives it. Believe it or not, they often come around eventually. I see you are in Egypt so there may be cultural issues I’m not aware of. .

          Do they have support groups there? If not, is there someone at a school or church you could reach out to? To explain your feelings of depression and suicide. Mental illness is not always accepted in certain cultures so I’m not sure what it’s like there and that’s why I am asking you to educate me. Thank you for coming back. For sticking with us. For telling me more.

          1. I do believe there is no groups there.
            And I remember *trying* to bring it up with a friend of mine but… I guess I was too scared of the outcome of the conversation, especially since we were riding a transport (a car that caries about 12 people) but Iam kinda happy I didn’t, cause I was going to ask things like “what will you do if your friends died?” and then “and what will you do if you knew they were the one who killed themselves?” So yeah, it would have been a pretty weird conversation.
            And I don’t think going to a mosque would help me cause I am not that good at public speaking and don’t know what am I supposed to say there, so it would be kinda awkward to me

            1. So can you talk to one religious leader at a mosque? Not a whole group. If that’s possible. I don’t know the structure of a mosque very well. And maybe with your friend, you say, “Can I tell you something personal? Something I’ve not shared with someone else and have been afraid to tell?” I hope that helps Omar.

              It looks like your country is making an effort to address mental illness. So there are people who are sympathetic. I found these two articles.

              http://www.cairoscene.com/In-Depth/Mental-Health-in-Egypt-8-Stories-of-The-Stigma-by-Patients-and-Professionals https://www.al-monitor.com/pulse/originals/2017/10/egypt-health-campaign-mental-illnesses.html

              By the way, your English is spectacular. You must be very intelligent. You could write something about your experience for this site. I know that helps me. To write. Would you be willing? I think it helps others to understand suicidal thinking. I hope you don’t mind my asking.

              1. I really want to ask for someone’s help but think of how awkward my future conversations with that friend of mine would be, and I don’t like to be treated differently just because I have a problem or something like that, I guess that’s another reason I don’t want to bring it up.
                now about my English, I won’t say I studied really hard and kept studying English day after day, all I did was just watch YouTube videos, day after day I watch like 20+ videos a day (probably even more but, eh) and while watching I guess the meaning of the words I don’t know and it really helped me cause if I learned English from school… I would have pronounced a lot of words wrong (yeah… they were that bad), but I am still not that good with grammar tbh.
                and about writing my experience… umm… I don’t really know if I will be able to do so, not that I don’t want to but maybe it will be hard to get some clear information from someone as young as me, and I don’t mind you asking at all.

                1. Omar- I think I’d rather you have an awkward moment than be dead. So I would start off saying that it’s awkward but I would tell an adult. They’ll know more resources. Usually someone religious is a good start. A lot of people go to them. Someone who is empathetic is usually a good choice. Someone your age might not get it unless they suffer from the same thing. I have never been to Egypt so I am unfamiliar with the resources.

                  This is hard. I know it is. And I am pushing you because I want you to save your own life. If you had a heart problem, you’d ask for help. This is really no different. Suicidal thinking is an illness of the brain. That is a major organ. You are not asking for help because you are weak. You are asking for help because you are strong. It takes a lot of courage. But you have already posted here. And that is a pretty brave step.

                  You can come back and write something later when you are ready. And I think you will. I love how you learned English. That’s amazing. Both my sons made youtube videos for years. By the way, this might not allow you to reply as it nests only so deep. If that’s the case, just start a new message.

                  1. I… I don’t know what should I say or do… I am lost…
                    I will just leave things as it is, “normal”.
                    I don’t think it will be worth it for you to try to convince me, after all that’s all what I am good for, wasting people’s time.
                    I am really sorry that all your previous tries went a waste, it’s my fault for trying in the first place even though I knew I was helpless.
                    everything will just go like it did before, whether I kill myself or not it doesn’t matter anymore for me, my reasoning were shitty enough to know how pathetic I am.
                    this will probably be the last thing you will hear from me…. and let me just say that you are amazing at what you do, you helped a lot of people… but I guess some of them are just way too stubborn huh? just like me…

                    well then, hope you have a great day

                    1. Omar. You might not be ready today. That’s OK. But the seed is planted and I think you will reach out. Because I don’t think you want to die. You just want to end misery.

                      But here’s the thing. Feelings are temporary. And that goes for bad feelings. I think you have potential. I don’t think you are all those things you say about yourself. I know you believe them. But I don’t. Thank you for having a conversation with me. I’m honored you trusted me with your darkest secrets. That alone took so much courage to let another human being know how much you hurt.

                      #3 on this post are some ideas on what to say. Just read it a few times. Maybe once a day. Practice what you might say in a mirror, say it in your head. That way, when you are ready to reach out, you have some words to use. I want you to feel better and have a better quality of life. But it takes work. One step at a time. The process itself is hard but rewarding at the same time. https://themighty.com/2016/12/how-to-tell-your-parents-you-want-to-die/?utm_source=share-bar&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=sumome_share

  8. My parents fight all the time. I’m always alone,I have no one. My friends and

    family have all turn on me. No one really actually cares about me. I’m just so depressed. I’m confused if I should trust anyone at this point. I feel that if I was dead everybody would be happy or they wouldnt even notice. I have nothing to live for. It wouldn’t matter if I died anyway.

    1. Lily. I’m telling you that you do matter. I don’t think because your parents fight that it has anything to do with you. What I’m saying is that it’s not personal. They are caught up in their own fight with each other and they don’t realize how it’s affecting you. But I do understand that being in that environment makes you feel unloved. Especially if it’s constant. Please don’t end your life. Because you take your talent and potential with you. These feelings you have, as awful as they are, are temporary. If my son were here today, he’d tell you to stay with us. Charles would break out in a freestyle rap song just for you. He did that one time, you know.

      I hope years from now, you are telling some other young person who has almost given up hope about that one time when you were thinking of ending your life. But you didn’t. You’ll tell her how you did find someone to talk to and you worked through it. Maybe a school counselor? A teacher? A minister? You have taken the first step and told someone here. That’s a courageous first step. Thank you for having the courage to comment here.

    2. Hi lilly i feel the same as you your words are what im feeling like now sorry you too feel this way i caint help the way i feel ann is a beautiful person always there for me and always listening even with annes loss strong lady wish i had that strength i wudnt be suicidal i just want to go to sleep and not wake up x

    1. I know you have to hurt to be looking up this phrase. I am sorry it hurts so much. My son felt that way. You have reached someone that cares. I hope you will tell me more or reach out for help. I am willing to listen.

    2. Hi kat snap i feel 100% that way your feeling the end is near for me ive got so much not so nice stress and alot of pain i feel for everybody who is suicidal because ppl say lifes for enjoying but most ppl dont feel that way there wouldnt be a meaning of the word suicide if nobody took there own life

  9. Hello I am here today cause of the thoughts of taking my own life. If I only had a gun it would have been done long ago and I would not have to be here on earth. It’s hard to say really how I feel from day to day when you know just around the corner the good turns cold and black. I just hate the sudden changes in moods from being on top of the world to being a loser all in the same day.
    Having ptsd does not help matters it only makes it worse. I can not blame others on how they view me some call me crazy, stupid among other words. They don’t know about me and the ptsd I suffer from cause I never talk about it. Only reason I do not talk about it is I do not want to be treated different then them. Plus I know for a fact when you tell people that you have ptsd word gets out like a wildfire then people use this against you. My trust in people around me I don’t have any and this makes it much harder to be part of my neighborhood.

    1. Rodney – First, I am glad you do not have a firearm and that you are still with us. Second, I’m impressed with the courage it took for you to post this comment and tell me how you are feeling. I know you feel awful to be looking up how to kill yourself. I am sorry you feel shame for your PTSD. I want you to know that it’s something that happens in your brain that is beyond your control.

      I want you to find one person to talk to and ask for help. There has to be one person you trust. If not, look for a hotline in your community. Sometimes people want to tell a complete stranger. To save yourself, you have to take that first step. It’s a hard step but you’re moving in that direction by posting here. You’ve already made one courageous move. You can’t fix this by yourself. You need someone who can get you to a mental health professional for help. I am honored you posted here. Thank you.

      1. Suicide hotlines don’t help people really thinking about suicide. If anything it makes them feel shittier about themselves that there last resort is to call someone they don’t even know to tell theme there life is valuable. I hate this world and I wish I wasn’t such a wimp to have the courage to kill myself

        1. I do wish there was a better resource as far as the hotline. Whenever, possible I try to link people to local resources.

          If you are saying that those who don’t kill themselves are wimps, most of the world is in that category so we live in a world of wimps and I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful you are still here and had the courage to comment. Some part of you is fighting for you and I hope you find some spark of light to move towards. I am so sorry you struggle. I know my son did, too

          1. I feel so frustrated that I’ve ended up on this site when I wanted the information but I really appreciate what you are doing to help people. I’ve been here (at this point, I mean) before many times, but the thoughts are now becoming overpowering. I keep thinking about walking out of the house, going to the woods and hanging myself from a tree.
            I wish there was an easier way to do it, but I’ve researched before and I know this is the best way. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. That’s the only reason I stick it out every time thinking of how devastated my parents would be and the kids that I teach. I also don’t want to hurt myself, I just want to not exist. Sometimes it seems like in order to get help you are expected to be self harming but I would never do that. When I am ready I will try to go in the least painful way. I wish doctors understood that.
            I’m not a good person – my friends overlook a lot of the awful selfish things I do in my life – I feel like I’ve deceived them. I’ve really messed my life up and I just want the pain to end. I know it sounds pathetic and cliche but the pain is overwhelming. Every time I tell myself that this too shall pass, but at the end of the day the longer I stay on the earth the more hurt I cause to myself and others around me. I’ll only end up feeling like this again, having caused more damage, if I stick it out.
            I’m sorry to even waste your time on reading this – I’m not sure whether I’m going to do anything or not this time. I have reached out but I don’t think anyone sees how bad it is.
            This is the most pathetic thing but one of the things that stops me is the logistics. I’ve been lying in bed with the curtains closed for a day this time. I wouldn’t want to walk to a shop to find the rope and would be scared someone would see. I would need to bring a chair or something to the woods and make sure I was hanging high enough. I would be worried someone would see. I hate to think of who would find me. I hate to think of the example I would be setting to young kids let alone the world of hurt I would cause everyone else. I also would be worried it wouldn’t work and then I would end up disabled, losing my job or living with everybody knowing I tried to kill myself.
            I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this.
            I don’t want to worry anyone and I’m going to try and see it through but the urge is extremely strong.
            I have bipolar disorder by the way. I drank a lot of alcohol last night and haven’t had my Prozac in days. I called the pharmacy and they just said they’ll get it in for Tuesday. I’m unsure whether this is exacerbating the situation.
            Thanks for what you do. I have a mum who cares about me too. I would hate her to go through what you did.

            1. Oh Claire, this is such a soul searching, heart wrenching, courageous post. I am so sorry you are feeling such pain. You’ve bared your soul here and there is so much beauty in that. And just so you know, all your fears are well grounded. Any of those things can and do happen. Your mother would be utterly devastated as I still am. I will never “get over it.” I am also going to bet you are a good teacher because you are an empathetic person. I want you to know, you can feel better. It does not feel that way now but I want you to think that you will because that’s the first step. Lack of medication does indeed have something to do with this. I also suspect your loved ones are not taking you seriously. They may even think, “she’s just trying to get attention.” Which of course you are because how else would you get help? (I so hate that “get attention” phrase).

              I have an idea. This idea has worked for other young people. I want you to give your mom a written letter. You can use what you have here as it’s so much from your heart. I would have given ANYTHING for my son to give me such a letter. ANYTHING! Also, try to think of one other person you might also give this letter, too. I know and see that you don’t want to kill yourself. You just want to end the pain. Let your loved ones help you find the resources to do that.

              1. I want you to know your message (and your other messages on here) really have touched me – I read your comment with a lot of tears – sometimes it’s easier to reach out to someone you don’t know who understands rather than worry those around you. I bet Charles would be proud of what you are doing.
                I’m waiting it out. My hope is that I wake up and the thoughts have subsided – I know the chemical ‘attack’ as you call it is transitory, I’m just sick of being back here again and again.
                I don’t want to worry my mum with a letter explaining this – I know she worries about me and is always offering to pay for more counselling (I find that holding down my job takes up all of the mental and physical energy I have for the day so I don’t take her up on it). But I get what you’re saying about how valuable it would be. Wouldn’t it be better to tell her I love her in a letter without burdening her further with these ugly thoughts?
                I wish there was a way I could end it without hurting anyone. I know that teaching has worth but aside from that my impact on my surroundings is so negative. How do people carry on holding all of this up day after day so as not to hurt others…why be alive when we’re all in so much pain? I can count the times I’ve felt true happiness in the last year on one hand and the moments are so fleeting.
                I am also aware it’s completely self indulgent to comment these things on someone’s page who’s had such terrible trauma and keeps going. I hope it doesn’t make you sad reading these.

                Thanks for listening

                1. Claire:

                  I have bee in your shoes so many times. But you need to let it out and then fight. I call this the storm period and it sucks!!! Plain and simple. I have bipolar 2 rapid cycling and I’m tell you there are days where I’m like why do I bother, but a student or a friend or family member will say something or do something and I’m like that is why I still need to exist!! I do not want to
                  Miss out on the fun or making new memories. A tough part was for me to stop drinking but I did it! Best thing ever! Please hang in there or email. E to talk! You are worth it!!! Lots of love and hope!

                  Tammy

                2. Claire,
                  I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I am literally crying as I read your responses and I am a 52 year old man. My son Matthew was also in a lot of pain. He ended his life almost 8 years ago. The anniversary of his death is March 29th. When someone kills themselves they think they are ending the pain. That’s not true. They are transferring the pain to the people that love them. I fully believe that if Matthew was still alive he would have gotten through his pain. I will never get through the pain of his death. His brother has struggled with substance abuse. His little sister is now the age he was when he died and thinks about him every day. His mom and I are now divorced. Many of his friends still struggle. I have a large picture of him beside my bed and in my office. I will be praying for you. Keep pressing on to get through your pain. Your family would never get through the pain of you choosing to end your life.

                  1. Lloyd, I’m sorry about Matthew. He wouldn’t have wanted all the pain you have to deal with. And Tammy, I just read a few of your posts and you really are an inspiration, thanks for sharing your story.

                3. You keep coming back. At one point you will be able to share the darkness in your soul with your mom. It’s not ugly like you think. She would be honored. I understand you are not ready yet. But I do want you to get help. At least look for a mental health support group. If you want help finding one give me city and state and I can send you some resources. Also look up Tammy’s posts. (Tammy Ozolins) She suffers from bipolar disorder and struggled for a long time and she is an inspiration. Please do take your medication because you need it just like someone with heart disease needs theirs. We are all so encouraged you came back. And we are here for you. If you want me to make your comment a post I can also do that. To help others understand they are not alone. With your first name only. Up to you and I will not do that without your consent or against your wishes. You can post how you feel here without judgement. And thank you for what you said. So much.

              2. Claire,
                You are not wasting anyone’s time. Please stay here with us.
                My beautiful son Whitten did just what you are contemplating. It blew a hole in our lives and we will never be the same. I wish I could have told him that no feeling is ever final. I wish I could have made him understand what a wonderful person he was and how gifted he was and how many people loved him and enjoyed him. He had dozens of family members and friends whose lives have never been the same after he left us. Your mum really would be devastated. Believe me.
                I doubt that you are a terrible person doing selfish things. That’s the illness talking to you and telling you these awful things. I know how real it seems, as I have depression too. And it tells me awful things too.
                Please follow Anne Moss’ suggestions above and let your people help you. I agree – I would give anything to have been able to help him…..
                You never really know just how much space you occupy in people’s lives. And they would carry that load forever. Get your meds on Tuesday and write that letter…

            2. Hi Claire,

              I lost my son, Tyler, to suicide a year ago. I miss him so much and my heart breaks for the pain you feel. Your mom would never get over losing you. I bet she would love to know what is going on inside of you. I know, for sure, that I wish I knew what my own son was thinking.

              I am so glad to be meeting you here. Thank you for your honesty. You, dear girl, are so brave and so strong.

              1. Hi All,
                Thanks again for your responses.
                Anne if you think it would help anybody then of course you can do that…I wouldn’t want it to bring anyone down or anything.
                I completely understand what you’re saying about the pain being transferred to others. I really don’t want that. I didn’t want to wake up this morning – I hadn’t left my bed until an hour ago I went and got a wash.
                Tammy, I have bipolar 2, too. I’m going to go and read your posts now. I’ve also bought Carrie Fischer’s autobiography – I love hearing from other people with bipolar and how they cope.
                I know you’re saying that I’m probably not a selfish person but I really am. I have so many secrets and lie and cheat on the people who love me. The awful things that I do will cause more pain when they are all out in the open. My family would be so disappointed in me. I don’t even know who I am. The life that I’ve built up is all a charade and I’m hanging onto it by a thread.
                When I’m in the routine of school and I’m focusing on my lessons I can ignore the feelings but I come home and go straight back to sleep every night. Then on Friday I go out drinking. I know drinking doesn’t help but when I don’t go out drinking I just sit at home going over things I’ve said and done over and over again. If you knew me, you would be ashamed of me too. I often think that one chaotic event that I cause (messing up at work, falling out with a friend, the person I love leaving me) will be enough to tip me over the edge and I can see one or all of those things happening in this year. Because I’m constantly hitting the self destruct button.
                I think maybe the fact that it’s helped to talk on here shows me that I would benefit from counselling again or a group. The last time I went to counselling the counsellor kept getting me to say positive things about myself and stuff, but I really feel that I’d deceived him too. And I’m not sure whether he was totally appropriate. I could see him liking the me that he thought I was, if that makes sense, too much. I can seem easy to talk to on the surface but I have such a darkness inside and I’m a truly dull and selfish person.
                I don’t think this is the depression telling me this: this is what anyone would say looking at my actions. My mum lives about 5 hours away so doesn’t see me very often. She messaged me today to check in. The worst thing is I even lie to her. She doesn’t even know who I am. She did a speech about me at my wedding where she had a quality about me for each of the letters of my name. It was so lovely but it just made me realise how little she knows about the life I lead. She’s always known I had mental health issues and has always paid for me to see specialists. But she can’t see the awful things because she still sees me as the girl she raised who would never act the way I act.
                Another rambling message but I wanted you to know I’m still here and reading your lovely messages. If I make it through today then the chances are from Monday I’ll stay and feel slightly better. As I said, though, it’s just a ticking time bomb until a big life event happens. I’m 27, by the way, old enough to know better…

                1. You would definitely benefit from a group. And I can tell you we have all done things that we are not proud of, especially when we are young. I have a group of fri nds and one night we played “confess.” These are fine people that had made some pretty epic mistakes and had regrets. But anything can be tur nd around. Mental illness and alcohol/drugs made Charles do things that were not angelic. Stealing, selling drugs.

                  The thing is you feel remorse and guilt. That’s what gives me hope about you. You really do care about others and your family. People who are e truly awfu don’t care at all about others.

                  I see you are in England. They do have mental health support groups. Please make that your next move. Through those groups, you can find a counselor if you need one. And get guidance. It is as the best tho g I ever did for myself. And Tammy leads one! She also does public speaking on her story.

  10. Anne, I am so sorry to read about the loss of your son. Many of the posts here are heartbreaking, particularly Debbie’s and I hope she found a different answer. I have been battling severe depression and anxiety for most of my life, much of that brought on by a hostile childhood & adolescence. I’m not sure if PTSD can be caused by growing up in a constant battleground but even other people’s voices can often cause me stress when I hear them, and I feel that I am always on edge, especially in social situations where eye contact is involved.

    I’m 34 and moved from side of the USA to another, and took a job in a brand new city far away from any friends or family members. I did that for a few years and then the isolation gradually broke me down even more than I already had been…I found myself pausing my daily activities to make my home silent enough to hear things going on outside if I heard other people in the building hallway. Even without being prompted by outside sounds, I would also compulsively look out of my door peephole into the hall, I suppose always in wait of something awful coming my way. After quite a while of this I quit my full time job on a whim, without anything else lined up…just completely lost interest as I continued to delve deeper into self-loathing, alcohol abuse & pornography addiction. I haven’t had a girlfriend in 5 years and I’ve never had a good relationship or been in love, so I fell back on these selfish tools of comfort, and my vices would momentarily ease my pain. I was told earlier this year by my doctor that I have caused some mild damage to my liver and it scared me enough to slow down drinking for a little while but that has picked up again in full force just months after this news.

    After quitting my job, I was unemployed for a couple of months before getting a new opportunity with another company. I worked there a week before losing interest and walking out. A week afterwards I started another job, only to quit that one two weeks later as well. After another month or so, I was brought into the best employment opportunity I’ve ever had, and there was a brief period of feeling optimistic about my future. By this point I was in a bad situation with back rent and teetering on eviction from my apartment but worked something out with the building manager but it would take making huge payments to them twice a month and the idea of that was very overwhelming. I worked for this new job for 3 weeks, and realized that I would not make enough money to fulfill the arrangement I made with the building management, in addition to my anxiety really making it difficult for me in the office around so many new people. I quit that job and decided to move back home to the other side of the country, and had a little bit of money to help. So here I am today, back in my home state and I did not receive the hero’s welcome I anticipated. I’ve been back down a week and a half and already having some issues with my family, and my friends are not providing me much support. I understand that people have their own lives but a little support for an old friend during a rough time would have been appreciated. I just recently accepted a full time job here, which normally would be exciting for someone in my position to have already accomplished that but since no one will help me out with a place to stay, I have found myself homeless and living in a very dirty, bad motel that I used all of my remaining money to rent for a few nights. I have no where to go in a few days and no money, and this makes it very challenging to try and start this new job opportunity.

    Sadly, my closest friend lives just a few blocks from this particular office and it would have been so easy for me if given just a month to get enough money to at least rent another motel, but he is not budging. I didn’t do him wrong and we are good friends, so it’s hard to accept. I must seem like a pretty lame person if no one wants to help me out, and I’m starting to believe that myself. My prospects are either to sleep out on the street somewhere, and clean up in public restrooms and try to work this office job for a month in these conditions before I can use my money to improve my life; or I can simply hang myself in my motel as I’ve been planning for two days now.

    I tried to tell my father on the phone earlier tonight that I am thinking of hanging myself and he countered that by ignoring it completely and then telling me about his own life frustrations. You don’t know him but that’s pretty typical of him and he’s the primary cause of many of my issues, and not feeling validated in my darkest hour certainly does not make me feel cared about and does not make me want to change my mind about my fate. I have not drank today but I had a dangerous amount of alcohol over the last two days and I feel like everyone I know is at war with me at the moment. There is more to that to support the claim but it’s just too much to analyze here. The idea of easing my pain once and for all is very tempting; to leave this ugly world behind while at the same time forcing the people closest to me to examine themselves and consider that I was really as dire as I tried to illustrate to them, when they all refused to help me.

    1. Oh Tim this is so heartbreaking. I do read in your comment a will to live in addition to a will to die. I hope you will choose life. Your situation is difficult and so very painful. This might sound stupid so please forgive me if it is but have you thought of a support group? There are AA chapters everywhere and they often have ties to resources in an area.

      It’s amazing what you have accomplished despite there being trauma or mental illness that has proven disruptive to your relationships. Being loved is important to human beings. It starts with loving yourself first. Support groups are free and numerous. Start by connecting with people who have likely been where you are now. Having been to these groups myself as an invited visitor I have heard remarkable stories of comeback. (By the way, you are obviously intelligent, articulate and write very well.) So if I had to leave you with one thing, it would be to start taking the steps to love yourself first. Please keep me updated.

      1. Thank you, Anne. I will consider your advice, and that is why I wrote here, because you seem to genuinely care about those who are suffering. Loving myself is far from where I am at this point, though, and there are many private details I know about myself that stand in the way of that. I don’t have any answers but it felt good to write about it & I deeply appreciate you reading it, and validating me. That is something that is important to me.

      2. As an update, my father contacted me again and offered to fly me out to him, in another state and help me out a bit. I’m going to try that before I do anything I can’t take back. Thank you, Anne, for just “listening” to me and everyone who comments here. I will be interested in continuing to follow your page and the posts here. You are honoring your son in a great way by just being here for those who stumble upon your page when contemplating suicide and that is something to be proud of.

        1. I could just cry I’m so happy about this. Parents sometimes take a while to come around. They don’t understand. I know it took me a while. So be patient with your dad. Try to explain things without passing judgement and hopefully he will follow suit. Thank you so much for coming back and updating me. Very thoughtful. Do keep up with us here. We’re a growing village of people who can relate from one point of view or another.

        2. Tim F., I’m glad your still here with us. I’m sympathetic to your past and current sufferings and hardships in your life. I hope that you never give up even when life gives all the negativity with a lack of positivity. Don’t give up ever. We are all important in this universe. Keep trying!

  11. I have suffered from deppression since I was 19 I’m 45 now I can not go on like this any more ive got a 13 yr old son who has autism adhd I’m a rubbish mom I hate myself I hope I can get out out I’ve looked up how to hang your self and the most pain less suicide due to my thoughts I’ve crushed tablets I carry with me I think if i drink a bottle of vodka with x200 sertilne antidepressants that shud do it or throw my self in front of a train or car

    1. Debbie- That is so difficult. Raising a son with autism is very hard and all you can do is the best you can do. I know how it feels to not be supported in an effort to raise a child who has invisible disabilities. I hope you won’t follow through with any of the plans you’ve written about. I know life can be cruel and hard and you are suffering right now. Thank you for commenting and know that we are here for you although I was slow to respond. Please let me know if you are still with us and your son still has a mother.

      1. Hi ann im still here only by a very thin line i LOVE my son i do feel like giving up had ENOUGH now sorry I’ve not been well and im GONNA find the best poss way to fall to sleep and never awake again i hope i die in my sleep i won’t KNOW i will be in my sons heart and soul but not here in PERSON i do feel he will have a good life with out me cruel i know but it’s not fair if i tell my mental health doc they will take him im not emotionally fit or physical for him he deserves to be with a good family god bless you xXx ive looked up lots on Google how many tablets to take what will trigger my heart off overdose injectect heroin ive never done drugs or get a hose pipe carbon dioxide xx

        1. Debbie- I want you to give it some time. I have a post I am publishing tonight from a friend who has felt EXACTLY as you are feeling. You can always kill yourself later. There is no deadline.

          And reversing the situation. How would you feel if your son killed himself? If you cannot imagine, I can share my personal experience.

          1. Hi im still suicidal i had to get xmaz out of the way for my son YOUR probably thinking y is debbi still here IM STRUGGLING TO START TO 1 KNOW HOW TO DO IT PROPERLY 2 THE TIME 3 WERE 4 I DON’T WANT TO FAIL 5 I WANT OUT JUST HANG MYSELF PROPERLY6 OR TAKE A OVERDOSE I CAINT GO ON IM SUFFERING EVERY SECOND ……

            1. Oh Debbie I can’t imagine how it is to feel the way you do. You have endured so much suffering. You can’t figure out all of this now and there is no need to kill yourself now either. It’s too much to think about so call someone who will listen. Please, please call this UK line: 020 8399 6676 (local call charges apply) National telephone: 116 123 (this number is free to call). It’s in the UK. And please come back here again. We are with you even if you are in pain. We are listening. I am listening. We hurt with you. Here is the website: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

              1. Thank you anne im feeling suicidal every second of every day i just feel like this is the easy way out no more pain im SUFFERING in silence it will b too late i just caint get it out of my head voices telling me i will do it i will find the right TIME im y do i feel im hanging on for something ….. sorry anne you prob wont hear about my death as yr in the usa im goin to do a diary until the e.n.d.❤❤❤❤❤❤

                1. If you were having a heart attack you would call emergency services. Your brain is being attacked and you need to call. Something is not right with your brain chemistry and you need medical help. I hope you will call for help. Thanks for answering. Please call emergency services in UK

                2. Debbie,
                  I am so sorry that you are in pain and hurting so much. When my son died, I could barely stand the pain and wanted so much for it to go away. I knew I could get through it 1 min. at a time, which became 1 hour, which became 1 day.

                  Do you have anyone around to talk to? Sharing your burden really does help. Please know I will be praying for you. Keep reaching out. There are people where you are and here that will talk to you.

                  Please, please call this UK line: 020 8399 6676 (local call charges apply) National telephone: 116 123 (this number is free to call). It’s in the UK. And please come back here again. We are with you even if you are in pain. We are listening. I am listening. We hurt with you. Here is the website: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

                  1. Hi terri so sorry to hear you lost yr son must of been very sad for you im sorry for feeling this way theres people dying and i want to die YES I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP thats how bad things are and i wake up afrer 1 hour sleep and say to myself oh not another day ahead i say HOWS THE BEST WAY TO END MY LIFE SO I WONT SUFFER IVE THOUGHT ABOUT HANGING MYSELF TAKE PILLS AND VODKA OR GO IM MY CAR AND PUT THE HOSE PIPE IN THE WINDOW WITH THE ENGINGE RUNNING THROWING MYSELF OFF A BUILDING IM SORRY FOR THE NEGATIVES you have yr probs to deal with thank you for your kind words ❤❤… it may be tonight tomoz ive rang our uk samarations they listen im on 250mmg sertraline by the way they are making me worse im 45 i JUST want to go the fasest way i google it everyday (HOW TO KILL YOUR SELF THE FASTEST AND QUICKEST WAY TO END MY LIFE)

                    1. You definitely need to get sleep Debbie. I am sure it’s making all this so much worse. Can you ask them to adjust your meds to something that will help you sleep? Good move to call the samaritans. And thank you for coming back and talking to us. It’s ok that you let it out. But go back and have those mess adjusted so you get sleep. So important

                    2. Debbie. I was at National Institute of Mental Health yesterday (US) and I had an idea. You need to find someone in England that does ketamine. It has been shown to help with acute suicide episodes and help people find sleep in the days after so you can recover from the brain attack known as suicidal thinking. You need some relief from your suffering. And your son needs you. Is there anyone who can help you locate those services? It’s not a common treatment yet. I have asked someone if they might know of anyone in England offering those treatments.

                    3. Hello lovley people you really are the only people who has shown me a little more time to be here here you esp ann marie your very kind thank you and to everyone who has left a heart loving COMMENT juys im still feeling like its my last hour im taking things this way due to the way i FEEL i would gladly say hi to you juys for giving me this reason to stay a little longer who knows nobody does but it will come but i just want to say a big thank you to you juys ❤i feel the kindness in your hearts …. says everything ……

  12. I seriosly can’t take it anymore my parents divorced now and I get blamed all the time I’m living a terrible life and in pain I’ve tried pushing through each day and I can’t take it anymore I’ve done self harm for about a year now and now it doesn’t relieve that feeling I have I really just can’t be here anymore

    1. Your parents’ problens Or how they deal with yours are not your fault. I am so sorry you feel that Blame. I will tell you that for me those difficult times have made me stronger. I would not have chose to be in stronger this way but that’s what happened. I hope you will give life another chance. Thank you so much for sharing here. It helps me understand losing my son to suicide. The feelings that sufferers have helps me to understand

  13. The only reason that I am still here today is that I was going to hang myself at work. I wanted them, being my colleagues and my employers to see my dead body and show them what happens to nice people who get abused all their life.

    1. Oh Clive. It’s not worth it to sacrifice yourself to make a point to people who are unkind to you. They are not worth you giving up your life. Not worth your son losing a father. Don’t give up on you.

      When I experience unkindness, too, I just have to feel sorry for them. Because they are only skimming the surface of life. It’s hard but this strategy does work for me and I don’t know if it works for others.

      1. I don’t think anyone really understands my pain or how I actually feel and all the evil I carry. Not knowing yourself or who you and trying to fit into the world is very confusing. I try to be nice, treat everyone like I should but still get rejected by people. All because when I get upset and angry with them when I feel mistreated. I really hate myself because I am very irrational and u can not control my feelings and emotions. I feel so alone, worthless and confused. I do not know what to do. I Have been severely wronged at work by being assaulted for standing up to a bully. I was not rude and did not swear. All I asked was for him to stop with his horrible comments about me. I am confused why the company never sacked the guy. Also I feel very let down by the people who witnessed including a supervisor. They all failed to give a statement to the Police. I have to go to work now know one talks to me. I am made to feel I am the problem. I realise now my who live around being abused whether by my parents, social services, people who I meet and now my colleagues and employers. Maybe it’s me, maybe let them. All I know I can’t take it know more. I just want to go to sleep.

        1. You know what Clive. I see some change in this post. You feel confused but this one is different because there is more self awareness and openness to changing yourself. You can’t change others right? But you can change yourself and sometimes when you do that, others react differently towards you. So no need to kill yourself today because you are onto something. A glimmer, however brief, of hope. You have made a huge breakthrough here.

          Now how do you start to know how to change you? Because that’s what really matters right? You can actually print your response here and maybe a therapist or support group could help? Maybe you write something for this site like your comment above and have people who also suffer as you do tell you what worked or is working for them. Just some thoughts but you are making progress. Did you realize that? Progress is often hard work and painful but it has a reward. I hope you stick around for the reward part.

    2. Clive I feel that every day I feel no way out it’s killing me inside that knowing I’m feeling this way my son who will be there for him it’s all about regrets about my past I hope my son will be looked after sorry you too feel this way as it’s the easy way out as one says but it’s not the answer is it I lost my sister and dad I’m in a lot of pain suicide that’s the only answer for me

          1. Anne moss rogres what a story i still now feel suicidal ive had to call the Samaritans they are 💯i cry my eyes out so sad i look at my son who i love so much as i never had a family was in social services care as my birth mother left me 6 weeks old AND 4 sisters we had a abusive childhood memories of the dark times i see my sister who died of cancer 39 years old i want to be with her i caint go on any more i hope theres a place for me but they say if you take YOUR own LIFE you go to hell i dont want that but maybe my punishment for taking my own life as Clive said enough is enough theres ppl suffering all over the world and me writing my last letter until i die…….

            1. Wow. People are so harsh. And I am so sorry you feel such intense emotional pain. Does it help to talk about it? And I understand how hard that must be. So you have lost a child. I know how that hurts. We know nothing really about what happens when we die. People think they know but we really do not. I wish I could tell you something.

              But Here is what I can say. Thank you for opening up and telling your story. It’s important. Important to others who come here. So they know they are not alone in those experiences. I am part of a trauma network focused on prevention and for treating Kids Early who have been exposed to the kind of trauma you lived. My hats off to you for still staying with us and having the courage to talk about it here. I am truly honored.

          2. Your not alone thank you such a loving site and ive got 100%respect for ann moss rogers beautiful lady and person XxXxX you ❤❤your the best you have kept me goin a few more weeks and that means the world to me your ace thank you god bless and your a top person so caring and understanding xxxxxxxx

            1. That is so sweet. You made my day. No, you made my year. You simply suffer from a wicked disease that makes your brain think you are not worthwhile. I believe in you. I believe you are worth it. I am always amazed at moms who raise special needs child. It takes a special person and I know you don’t get much support. I am also proud of you for continuing to return. I think you want to live, it’s just that living hurts right now. I won’t give up on you.

              1. Im. Still here ann but near the end i can see it will be here sooner raher than later im stressed out every day and i just feel like giving up now the longer im here it is gettin worser i just want to give up ive had enough now ive sat and thought about how to commit suicide by no pain i caint snap out of this i feel so so sad that theres ppl dying SUFFERING from EVERY day but y am i writing this i just want to end my life I’m in a dark place 💔

  14. Thank you for your kind words. I am still here to try and fight. I have been fighting this horrible evil in me all my life.

  15. I came to this by accident. On my phone, trying to find a way out of this hell I can no longer bear and tapped this link instead of another. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I’m not sure where one goes after suicide but if I see him, I’ll be sure to tell him that he’s missed. Bless you.

    1. I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope you’ll give life another chance. Please check in later and let me know you are still with us. It’s people like you that will help us connect with each other again. We need you.

  16. Hi, I don’t know why I am writing this or what for but I wanted to comment.. your son is very talented and seems like a very special person. I am a similar age, i’m 23, and I didn’t even realise myself that I was contemplating suicide until I typed the name of this article on to google… I am in so much pain, and I don’t believe I’ll ever feel better, I can’t imagine a future for myself I can’t imagine me getting older and it scares me. I’ve never said these words out loud before, but I wanted to after reading all of this.

    1. Thank you for commenting Hannah. I think during that brain attack known as suicidal ideation its natural to feel like there is no future. Please reach out for help. Because there is help. There is hope. If I can survive the most devastating loss of my life I promise you can find hope. Please don’t give up and I love that you had the guts to comment. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

      1. You know I’ve been in this fog sort of Feeling for over a year and just looking over my life on how badly I hate it. Some things in life aren’t meant to be, such as me living. The emotion I am in causes deep hatred within me and makes me wanna become a ghost. Nothing matters anymore and nothing will ever matter anymore. life has been nothing but a joke with me and I am ready to end it.

        1. Rick- I am so sorry you feel that way. The first year after my son died, I didn’t know how to go on or if I would ever experience joy again. I did seek help. What worked for me was group therapy. I found support groups. I did take medication and the two together eventually got me on track. When you feel so low, it’s so hard to see past that. I do hope you ask for help. I know that takes a lot of courage to do so.

  17. I googled how to hang yourself because im on so much pain everyday and im just not excited about anything anymore. I really felt strong in finding away to end it tonight but find myself crying and ashamed . Thank you .

    1. Tom, this is why Anne Moss lives and breathes these days–to reach out and connect with people just like you. Please consider taking up her offer and writing to her. Your experience has meaning and value. YOU have great value. ❤️

    2. I really can not take anymore pain. I can not see a way out. I have been suffering like this my entire life. I am in my 40s. I have tried doing everything right. I follow the law and have morals. Nothing ever goes right. I do not fit it anywhere, in society or at work. Everything is just my fault. I have suffered abuse from very early childhood and it seems to continue even now. I think death is the only way that can erase my pain.

      1. Clive- I am so sorry. Such agonizing emotional pain. I know working through all this must seem like an insurmountable chore. Depression, I am guessing. You took a courageous step here to comment. So I will ask if you have asked for help before? I hope you will do that.

        1. Thank you for replying. I am currently in group therapy for one session a week. This is coming to a close as it is only a year long course. I do not feel brave, in fact I feel very weak physically and mentally. I really do not think I can go on with this pain any more. I know I am going to leave behind my partner and children. They will be much better off without me around. I won’t have to wake up every day dreading no one ever again…

          1. Thank you for replying to me. I don’t think once a week group is quite enough help for you at this time. Typically, in my experience, it takes therapy and medication. And maybe more therapy at first. I’m not a mental health professional but I care about people. I care about you.

            Actually it is brave to comment. I am actually honored that you trusted me enough after reading this to comment. Hundreds come by this post every month and they do not comment at all. But you did. That takes guts so I think you are actually on the right path to finding the courage to take it just one more step further. People like you, deep feelers, are important because you see into the souls of others. You are actually just the kind of person that will help us develop a more caring culture. We really can’t accomplish this without people like you.

            Besides that, it’s thoughtful to comment on this post. Maybe you don’t know this but when you comment here, you help me, too. It means a lot to me. It’s hard to explain why but maybe it’s because I feel like you have in some way connected with the darkness my son felt. But while I feel badly for you there is something special about it that gives me hope. It means you are alive now and didn’t follow through. That maybe my boy had something to do with that. So thank you.

            I will ask a favor of you. You say “I know I am going to leave behind my partner and children. They will be much better off without me around.” Maybe it’s not fair to assume what they think? Maybe you should mention to them what you are thinking and let them tell you what they think.

            I know how painful it was for me finding out how my son felt AFTER his suicide. I didn’t know. I bet they don’t either. You could start by telling them you were googling the phrase and found this post. If they are anything like me, they will suffer a great deal if you are gone. A suicide loss is really like no other. Right now you need help finding a way out of that emotional pain. That’s OK. I needed help coping with my son’s death. I still do and I make sure I have that support. I tell someone when I need help. Sometimes that has involved medication, too.

            So some thoughts to summarize:
            • Talk to your partner if you can.
            • I have an article that might help you here on what to say or what to write in a letter. It says for teens but it could work for anyone (https://themighty.com/2016/12/how-to-tell-your-parents-you-want-to-die/)
            • Call someone in your group or the therapist that runs it

            Thank you for still being here today. Right now. It means you are trying.

          2. Clive, I don’t know what you’re suffering with that is making you feel suicidial. We want you to live despite you feeling pain and hurt. You’re irreplaceable and no one is like you. Suicide isn’t the answer, but love/charity is. Don’t given into defeat. Please don’t give up.

            1. I nearly gave up today. I have really have had enough of how I feel. My parents abused me, Social Services abused me and failed me. My colleagues have abused me now my Employers have abused me. I am so confused and lonely right now. What ever I do is never right. I feel so ashamed and guilty. My partner said to me last night that my 7 year old son is starting to be like me in the way he feels and is copying me. I really have had enough…. over 40 years of pain.!

              1. Clive I am so sorry. I’m sure Michael will log in and reply, too. All those painful feelings must be so hard to process. And overwhelming, too. But I’m so glad you are still with us. And I am going to bet your 7 year old is, too. What courage it took to comment today. To reach out to us in your darkest hour. That’s pretty amazing.

  18. I’ve been reading this blog since last Sunday when I came across it googling the exact same thing as the heading of this post.
    I don’t want this comment to be about me really. I wanted to say that I think your son is an amazing person. He is extremely talented. I watched this video of him above and it gave me chills, goosebumps, & it made me cry, a lot. It made me cry for 4 hours straight reading the posts here. He is oozing with passion & emotion & you can just *feel* the pain & heartache he expresses with his poem & it is so so powerful. I can tell you are honored to be his mother, & you should be.
    I find the posts and writing here to be quite moving. I am impressed with how you let it all out, not even afraid to question your own beliefs and it seems like you don’t even pretend to assume. It is raw, naked like you say, and brutally honest.
    I personally struggle with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, & addiction. I have been off of heroin since December 2014, traditional “recovery” never worked for me but ive been in therapy for almost 5 years & really thats what saved me. It is a battle everyday. I am so much better sober but yet the depression/anxiety still take me to the edge. I have been dealing with this for a long time. I am not some big success story. I really don’t know if I can do it forever. I have 2 young kids that help but sometimes…I’m ashamed to say, not even they can keep the darkness from haunting me. I apologize for writing about myself, I did because I just wanted to say I know what your son, that special young man, your boy Charles was going through. I have an understanding & empathy for you & him & your family & I just wanted you to know that.
    You have changed the way I think of my darkness, my ideation. I never once thought of it as a “brain pain attack” though that’s exactly right. I experience it in cycles and exactly, it’s ebbs & flows in intensity. Today I’m ok enough to want to try & fight another day, to comment here & let you know that you made an impact on this small speck of a persons point of view. I think this place is special. Like your boy. I’m going to keep checking in here when I feel despair.
    Thank you. Matt

    1. Oh Matt. I’m crying as I type this. I can barely breathe I am so thankful. I’ll take that “one more day.” All we can ask. I am even more thankful you wrote the comment that you did.

      I previously had something else on the page but a young man in California who suffers suicidal thoughts wrote me an email that Charles saved his life one night and so I put the videos that young man watched on this page based on what he said helped him.

      I am so sorry you suffer from the insidious disease of addiction. It is truly awful but I can tell you that these days I work side by side with people who have found recovery from all you have listed above and they are the most beautiful and passionate people I have ever had the honor to work with. It took a lot of support from family and friends. It took acceptance of addiction as a disease. In at least one case, the gentleman did not have any of that but found recovery and a job after multiple felonies.

      I actually think depression is a gift. Although awful, too, you have gifts that others don’t have and I hope you know that. You can see into the souls of others. And I truly believe it is the soulful people who suffer mental illness that will drag us out of this opiate crisis. Nothing is more valuable to human survival than lived experience.

  19. The pain from what he saw resonates, in me, a memory. I understand. Wrapping him and you in Love, Anne. Sharing.

  20. Whitten hung himself too. I clearly see that written on the death certificate. Hanging.
    Love you Anne Moss. We are kindred spirits.

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