Link to the How To Hang Yourself video: https://youtu.be/s2f2nQhqdNI
I hope you give this video just 51 seconds of your time. I am so sorry you feel so badly you are looking up how to hang yourself. My son, Charles, looked up this phrase, too.
He suffered from depression and an addiction to heroin and died by suicide. People who were hurting as much as you are have told me the videos below helped them. They are from my son’s hurting soul.
I miss him every single day. If you comment below, I will answer.
Guides on how to tell someone
- If you are a teen or young adult, you can use this guide on how to tell a parent or loved one you want to die. How to tell a parent I want to die
- For youth and adults How to tell someone I want to kill myself
Crisis Lines and Prevention Lifelines
Overcoming fears and myths about crisis lines. Legit information here.
USA 988
USA & Canada Crisis Text 741-741
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline for Veterans 1-800-273-8255, press 1
USA Veteran’s Text line send HELP to 838-255
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255
Reach out to the Crisis Text Line through Facebook
UK 116 123
UK Shout 85258 (Crisis Text Line for England, Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland)
AUSTRALIA Crisis Line 13 11 14
CANADA Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
CANADA TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines
Suicide Hotlines UK | UK crisis text 85258 | Ireland crisis text 50808
Link to: Australia Suicide & Crisis Hotline Online Chat through the website
The best part about communication with this crisis line over Facebook is that your information is encrypted and anonymized.
List of Suicide prevention lifelines for other countries
Stop, Drop and Roll for emotional emergencies. Video is below and at this link.
Everyone who has done the dunking of the face in ice-cold water had told me it worked to alleviate the crisis (some said they had to do it at least twice.)
Other Resources:
Because suicidal thoughts are treatable, here are resources that have helped others.
Safety Plans
- My Suicide Safety Plan (source: Dr. Tracey Marks)
- Suicide Safety Plan Template
- Example of a safety plan that is filled in
- Example of a safety plan card that you can do yourself. While it’s not a replacement for therapy or a suicide assessment and safety plan, it has the elements of one. Carry it with you in a pocket and look at it 3X a day when you are struggling. You may not be able to identify “Reason’s for living” right now. But write it down “reasons for living” because it will come to you. These are what’s important to you. It can also be a memory.
Podcast for men who struggle with suicide
- From Suicidal to Inspired: Interview with Kevin Hines, Greg Van Borssum, and Matt Runnells – The Social Work Podcast. This is about three men who have struggled with thoughts of suicide and how they manage these thoughts.
- ManTherapy.org Take the online self-test here.
Articles, Videos, Self-Harm Help:
- Emergency emotional rescue strategies
- Why should I stay alive when I want to kill myself? by Anna Wieder
- This comment is from Graham in the UK who is a Dad and has children. He visited this page one day because he felt as you do now. He survived and this is how he survived. Maybe it will help you.
- Self-help: Self-harm safety box
Self-Help Books
To find versions of these in countries outside the USA, search your amazon by the title.
Highly recommended book. Click the book picture to get your free Kindle version. $4.99 in paperback in the USA. If you are in another country, go to your amazon and paste “How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life.”
- Free Book (kindle version) in USA: How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life (author is anonymous)
- Book for suicidal persons recommended by a licensed counselor, Karla Helbert, LPC: How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention
- Book for suicidal persons who want to live: The Suicidal Workbook: CBT Skills to Reduce Emotional Pain, Increase Hope, and Prevent Suicide
- Book self-help for men: Guts, Grit & The Grind: A MENtal Mechanics MANual: Basic Mechanics
USA 988
USA Crisis Text 741-741
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline & Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines
I’m not sure what the process is to get a diagnosis for BPD but I would imagine that it would involve making an appointment with my GP, who would then most likely make a referral to CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) for assessment but that’s just my guess based on past experience but I would have to phone my doctors surgery & ask.
I think you are right. Here in the US, you’d need a “psychological evaluation.” But that would require a visit to a mental health professional.
My mum now knows that I think I have BPD as I told her so about a month ago but all I got was “you know how to make an appointment” so didn’t exactly feel supported but she also didn’t disagree me either so I’m in no doubt that I have it, but I did explain to her at the time that I didn’t see much point in seeking a diagnosis as professionals are less likely to diagnose you with a mental health condition, when you have a diagnosis of autism.
I don’t know. I think it might offer some relief to know. It could be worth a try.
Right now, I really don’t see the reason for trying, or for talking, or for breathing. I’m just done…! 😢💔
Oh man. Let me know how you are today.
Like I’m drowning inside my own mind 😢💔
I’m so sorry love. I’m here.
I feel so empty inside, I don’t know why…I just know that I am suffering so much & I can’t go on…
Cheyenne. I am so sorry. Have you been able to add any connections in your life?
Anne, In my research to better understand BPD, I have come to learn that chronic feelings of emptiness is one of the many symptoms that I experience on a daily basis, looking back I met the criteria for BPD from a very early age.
It could be you have it. But it might be you don’t, too. Fear of abandonment is the big one for BPD. Do you have that?
Yes, I have done all my life which I find strange for someone who’s autistic & prefers to be on their own & not with other’s.
Well we are hardly counselors but it’s a good question if you see one regularly. They have screenings.
Anne, I can’t believe I’m writing this but I tried to gang myself last Saturday and want to do it again. I’m in therapy, on meds, doing TMS and still don’t want to keep going.
Oh man things must be so hard right now. You actually sound surprised at this feeling, A. Do you feel there is a battle in your head that you want to live and want to die at the same time?
I don’t really want to live though. But I’m trying to live. I refuse to go to the hospital because last time I went as a teen it was traumatizing. But I’m kind of considering it right now. My mom is in town and I don’t want to tell her how I’m doing but I’m literally dying inside.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
What a struggle for you. Oh my gosh I can feel your anguish. I hear that you are unsure. And scared. Perhaps if the hospital is a choice, it will be less traumatizing? This is an awful place for you to be but it does sound like you are willing to take that step and it’s very courageous of you to share with me about your past experience. I think feeling out of control of oneself is really an uncomfortable place to be.
So if you talk to your mom about this, tell or write down some parts of it you’d like to be informed of. You should have some input in the process. Usually that dispels some of the fear. Do you think that would help?
I do think that would help. I am feeling very exhausted again today. I feel like I could sleep for weeks.
All that emotional intensity and then fighting that feeling would exhaust an olympian. It’s a sign of courage to ask for help. If you want to list some of the things here for practice I’ll answer. I’m so sorry it’s so exhausting. I’m honored for your trust in me.
I haven’t gone to the hospital yet. I think I’m good as of right now. It just gets so hard.
I wondered. And I’m breathing a sigh of relief. (I can’t help it.) You knew that right? And that’s why you came to let me know. Thank you for that. It’s so thoughtful. And it is hard. That’s why I think those who endure these thoughts are the bravest people in the world.
Thank you for being here in my darkest hour- when I couldn’t tell anyone else and was googling how to kill my self.
Boy I’m glad to hear from you. It’s so hard to tell. Here is a document about HOW to tell someone. (I wrote the comment the day you posted it. However I forgot to hit submit!)
Everyone says destroy what destroys you, right? But what if the thing destroying you is yourself?
That’s the question for sure.
“I want you to know that we have not realized your potential yet. If you leave, you take those gifts with you forever and we don’t get to appreciate what you have to offer.”
But what if you don’t have anything left to offer?
That’s the thing when you are in suicidal thought you can’t see what others do. I get that. And I get that you truly don’t see that you have any gifts. I will tell you what I did to get myself out of that rut and I may have told you before. So if I have forgive me. But I just made myself think of one thing I was grateful for each day. I sucked at this at first. But it allowed a crack of light in my mind that allowed me to see good stuff happening around me. I have no idea if this would work for you.
You are working hard though. You come back here and talk and engage and that’s an important step. It’s a good strategy and very brave. And you know I am going to answer Trudy.
I’m ready, and I don’t know what else to do.
If there are ANY doubts wait another day and then another.
I don’t know if I can.
It feels overwhelming. I do think you can simply because you have been able to. I’m here, OK?
I was on the way, and the road was blocked by a small fire engine because of a brush fire.
wow. I think the universe is telling you something. What do you think?
I think I’m in hell. I can’t seem to get out of this life, but I’m struggling to make this life bearable. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I do hear that a lot. I wonder why certain brains do this? I hear you though. And you do make sense. I can tell you are exhausted.
You are too kind, but I really do end up being too much for the people who try to help me. One day is better and the next I’m stuck back in bed struggling. One part of me has lost hope and wants to give up. Another part though cares about others and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Those two parts constantly battle in my head, so I stay stuck and that frustrates people. I was actually going to drive somewhere and try the other day, but my car wouldn’t start. Thank you for listening to our hurts.
It’s actually common that you feel you want to die and then that you don’t. It’s like your brain is fighting itself. Like a ping pong match in your head. I think that has to be very exhausting for you. It’s probably why you feel like you want to stay in bed.
Please don’t do it. Try 50-100mg Sertraline (ask your doctor), and wait for 3-4 weeks. It’s just a chemical imbalance in the brain, it’s so easy to fix if you start medication ASAP. I loved though it and feel perfect now. Best wishes to you.
Alex, are you still on Sertraline? I have been on it for nearly 5 years & I’m on 150mg.
This pain inside just won’t go away! 😭💔
Intense feelings are so hard to manage. I am so sorry Cheyenne. Let me know how you are doing now.
Hi hun! I’m still really struggling…with my feelings of depression & suicidal thoughts…I feel trapped & can see no other way to escape what I’m feeling than to take my own life…I’ve tried so hard to be strong…but I just can’t take it anymore…I hope that you know how much i mean it when I say that I love you & that I never intended to hurt you…even when I’m not here, I will forever live on in your heart for those who we love never really leave us, love Cheyenne ❤️ x
Cheyenne let me know if you are here today or not. You are a thoughtful soul.
Hi beautiful, I’m still here. When I thought of you & everything that you have went through in life losing Charles to suicide & then Leo the French kid you wrote about, I realised I couldn’t & didn’t want to add to the agonising pain that you feel, it might sound corny but hearing your voice during a time when I’m consumed by darkness, has helped me to live another day when I didn’t think I could – Thank you! 🤗❤️
I am relieved. And thankful you used that strategy of hearing me to keep yourself alive. That’s a creative way to help yourself my dear. I’m proud of you.
I don’t know what it is about your voice that calms me, but it definitely helps! It’s like you are wrapping me in a hug!
You read my mind. Glad to hear from you my dear.
I’m sorry for not replying – when I’m depressed & suicidal, I often find that I have to dissociate from myself & the world around me in order to cope with overwhelming thoughts & feelings.
I understand Cheyenne. Whatever it takes
Yeah it seems like you know what it’s like. Can’t wait for this to be over. Nothing to look forward to. Too much of a wuss to do it. Tried other times and bailed halfway through it. Now Im laying in my car, looking at the moon. Not wanting to go anywhere. I have things they people only dream of, but these things never bring any freedom. I’m a captive in my mind and the only way out a one way ticket. It’s all my fault for getting to this point, not my parents or anyone else. It’s how I coped to their arguments, that led me in a downward spiral. Now I’m divorced with no love in sight. Come home to a cold bed, a cold couch, and a mess that I left. How do you go on from here? I repented and cried, thought I was delivered but I’m still fried. Still laying here looking at the sky. Wasting my talent on things I don’t like. Wishing I could discover my calling and enjoy every moment. I know the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I just want to feel useful on this side of life. I wasn’t created to just eat breathe and die. Since I can’t figure out, why waste more time, I’d rather die.
So if I am hearing you correctly you are struggling with lack of love and purpose. Is that right? They are indeed reasons for despair.
But you have a lot of courage to post here. And I am honored you have. I am listening. I will respond
I definitely feel a complete lack of purpose, I want to be able to earn a living doing something I enjoy and feel like I’m making a contribution of my God given talents. But I’m wasting it away. Meds have helped me not to act out on my thoughts as much. Before I would frequently find myself on top of a bridge. But now it’s just agonizing internal mental pain. It will go away and come back. There are other things that wear away at me.
So you have struggled with suicidal thoughts before?
Because of people like you use me for your own benefits
I would be curious to know how you think I am benefitting?
I’m tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I’ve been smiling, but inside I’m dying 😢💔
I’m so sorry my dear. What’s going on?
Thank you for always being there to sit with me in my darkness & shining the light! You will forever hold a special place in my heart ❤ Anne Moss Rogers, I love you more than you’ll ever know!
You are welcome Cheyenne. I hate that you suffer with these thoughts
Hi everyone. I’m struggling immensely at the moment. My partner left me in September of 2021 and it’s still not over it. I have BPD so it’s very difficult for me to detach from people when I lose them. I’ve also recently lost my lovely grandmother and my oldest family dog. Today I found out that my ex is with someone else and I genuinely can’t cope anymore. I attempted after the breakup a while ago and since then the feeling have been pretty much repressed. They come out before bed sometimes and it’s so unmanageable, especially with the recent bereavements, that I just end up passing out and waking up the next day with puffy eyes and a headache. I also wrote off my car in an accident last week so things aren’t going too great. The only thing stopping me right now is that I don’t have my car. Otherwise I would hopefully have an effective means to end things. I’m in so much pain and I cannot stomach it anymore. All the counselling and motivational speeches in the world haven’t done anything for me. The only thing that’s prevented it so far is ineffective methods and strong antidepressants, so I literally cannot feel half the time, unless it’s horrific. I’ve not even properly started grieving my loved ones. I’m split between the guilt of leaving my family and the absolute desperation to stop feeling like this. Extremely close to ending it right now.
Abi. It is understandable that you feel such despair. I don’t know how you are standing. My God talk about getting hit all at once. The weight of it all. I feel it. If my listening lifts just one ounce of that weight I feel it’s worth it. I am so sorry.
September is not that long ago. You do t have to even be BPD to still feel pain from losing someone you love. I am sorry he has found someone else and you got the is news now. My question is do you have any support? I am listening ok. I will answer.
If I try, and I mess it up, I’m only going to make things even worse for me, but I’m so so tired.
You sound tired. I can say for me, the one thing I have to do when I get in a rut is do something. I recall when I was exhausted from grief I didn’t want to but I did do something new every week and it did help. If you were to do something and I’m not saying you will, what would it be? (Other than the obvious because we are, after all, on a page about how to kill oneself.)
My mind has so many ideas about things I want to do, but my body betrays me and won’t let me. It is so frustrating to lie in bed, sometimes even struggling to sit up, while your mind desires to get up and do things. I don’t know how to fix it. My life has no point.
So I am going to offer a strategy that worked for me and later I would recognize it as a DBT skill (dialectical behavioral therapy.) Don’t think of getting out of bed as the goal. Just start by telling yourself that you won’t be doing yourself any favors by staying in bed. Then say to yourself “All you have o to is sit up and put my feet on the floor.” Next tell yourself to brush your teeth. Then proceed one step at a time through the process of getting dressed. And then only once you have gotten ready for the day do you consider another move. Today maybe it’s just the steps to go outside and walk around the block. I did that every morning for about a year. But it helped. It helped to get me out of my own head.
It’s called “opposite action” and I use it to make myself do things that at the moment seem insurmountable. Breaking it down into doable steps.
Good evening, miss. I greatly thank and admire your effort to save lives. I am saddened by the death of your son and wish him the very best in his afterlife. God bless you, and thank you.
You are welcome and I hear you. If you wanted to say anything more I am listening
I’m so sorry that you feel like this, If I could take the pain away, I would do it in a heart beat 💗 all I can do is be here & listen if you ever need to talk, I see you & I hear you; you are not alone sweetheart! 😘
Thank you so much h!
You are so much stronger than you think! I know what it’s like to feel like this will last forever but I promise no matter how dark it is, the light will shine 🌟 again! Calm seas always follow a storm ⚡️
It’s funny that you say 8 years old. The first time I wrote something about wanting to die I was 8. My grandmother, whom I was really close to, had just died, I was struggling some in school with a teacher whom I learned a lot from but was so toxic that parents, including mine, had meetings trying to get her fired, and by then had already been abused by a couple of people and had told no one. When I was 11 something happened on a school bus that sent me down a dark path of self-hate and a constant companion of suicidal thoughts. People have since told me they could see I was in pain, but with maybe the exception of one teacher, no one seemed to know how to help me or get me help. I will never forget the hug she gave me when I went to school one day without my usual (fake?) smile. I do think there have probably been times when the thoughts were less like when I was pregnant with my children. In 2014 I started having “spells” at work which made me miss a lot of work and eventually had to resign from a job I enjoyed. After many many tests doctors concluded I have conversion disorder which basically means my stress and depression were manifesting in specific physical symptoms. It’s supposed to be temporary, but I haven’t been able to work since, and I still go through periods like now when for whatever reason I experience extreme fatigue. I’m stuck in bed today because when I sit up, I struggle to hold my head up. I don’t sleep and always have so much I want to do even if it’s just reading a book. I get so angry at myself and think I should be able to get over it and do those things. Sorry, this is a lot more of an answer than I’m sure you were bargaining for but maybe someone else can relate.
The detail will help someone else. But it looks like early childhood trauma contributed to your darkness today. Funny how mental health can trigger so many physical issues. I know that’s true. Grief brought on a myriad of physical health issues for me.
Yeah, I’ve been messed up for a long time. I’m don’t really know how to do this thing called life. Apparently I don’t know how to do death either since I’m still here despite trying not to be.
That’s actually kind of funny, Trudy. Obviously, you have doubts about suicide. I have a friend Frank King who has lived with suicidality for a long time. Somehow he has managed to compartmentalize it. So he lives with the thoughts and makes jokes about it. I don’t really know how one might do that. He’s on youtube talking about it.
Thank you! I watched a couple of his short videos but look forward watching more. I think people generally see me as a serious person, which I often am, but I do have a bit of a humorous side. One of the ways I like to show it is through t-shirts. I have one that resembles the painting “The Scream” but has cookie monster looking down at the gingerbread man who is “screaming” I also have one of a sloth that says, “Not to brag but I totally got out of bed today.” I also have a memorial to Pluto as a planet shirt. I like to make others smile seeing them even if I’m hurting inside.
OK. you and frank totally have something in common. And Charles had t-shirts like that too! And he used humor all the time. My son was the funniest person I ever met. Honest. I swear it helped him stay alive. If it weren’t for the drugs. Anyhow, I’m glad you looked him up. Frank is a really good guy.
Your son sounds like a really great guy too. I’m so sorry he lost his fight.
Me, too, Trudy.
I know that feeling, I was 13 the first time I tried to take my life, I’m now 23 & still failing at death (20+ attempts later) all I want is for this pain to end & finally be at peace 😢💔
I’m sorry you carry so much pain Cheyenne. I know how exhausting physically, mentally, and emotionally that is. I say that as I lie in bed in the middle of the day because my body is too fatigued to allow me to stay up, so I lie here dreaming of escape.
Thank you Trudy, the suicidal thoughts were so bad on Tuesday night that I very nearly attempted, it’s not that I didn’t have what I needed to do it, because I did but I guess there will always be a part of me that will fight for my life, even if living is not something I want & that’s the frustrating part because all I want is for the pain to be over.
You are so strong Cheyenne. That’s amazing you endured that.
I’m tired of pretending to be strong, I’m not. I’m hurting so much 😭💔
You never have to pretend around me.
I know I don’t hun, but I can’t keep expecting you to carry the weight of my pain either, that’s not fair on you.
I very much understand that! I don’t know about you, but I too have everything ready but the battle in my head whether to or not is so exhausting. I have been struggling with extreme exhaustion which is pushing me even closer to the edge. Thinking of you today.
The best way I can describe it is; I’m living in a body that’s fighting to survive, with a mind that’s trying to die. Sometimes I think to myself how much easier it would be if I could just fall asleep & not wake up as I can’t even kill myself properly.
Hi Anne,
I have been attending a NAMI meeting where I live and online CoDA meetings some. The only Alternatives to Suicide I found is in CT. They do have an online meeting, but do you know of restrictions on who can join? Don’t mean to bother you again.
I don’t know of any restrictions. I’d just join it. I wouldn’t imagine they’d turn you down because you don’t live in CT. We have a member in our suicide loss support group who lives in NY. If someone wants support, we don’t want to deny that and I imagine they’d be the same. And you are not bothering me at all. I’m impressed you did some research on it. Thank you for that.
No one is going to believe I fought hard enough.
It’s the nature of suicide for people to think that. Are there any more steps you could take? Were you able to sign up for that group? I’m sorry it’s been so pervasive, Trudy. I’m here. I’m listening.
No, I tried but can’t find a way to connect. The only other thing I can think of is to call a warmline (warmline.org). There isn’t one in my state but a neighboring one. I just don’t know what i would say to them. I’m not great at carrying on phone conversations. Thank you so much for listening. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of fighting.
I’m sorry I’m too much and so hard to help
I’m sorry Anne. I know you’ve listened and tried to help. I’m not an easy person to help though, so I won’t keep bothering you.
Trudy- If you look up Debbie from the UK on a thread here, you’ll see that she and I talked back and forth for three years. She not only survived she is actually found a way to move forward and thrive.
So about this, “The only other thing I can think of is to call a warmline (warmline.org). There isn’t one in my state but a neighboring one. I just don’t know what i would say to them. I’m not great at carrying on phone conversations.”
Just call. And start off by saying exactly what you’ve said here. That you are nervous and not good at phone conversations. They’ve been where you are. They are people who’ve struggled. That’s a great place to start. Then ask for resources in your area if they have them or suggestions on what they are. You can report back here because I always want to know. We have tons more things to try that suit you and I’m willing to stick around if you are. 🙂
I’m too much
You feel that way but it’s not how I feel about you. And you can’t assume what I’m thinking anymore than I can assume what you are thinking. Right now, you are struggling with cognitive distortions also known as distorted thinking. It’s typical when someone is in deep distress. It’s your brains way of filling in the blanks and torturing you in ways you don’t deserve. But it’s pretty common. You get into a negative mindset and it’s hard for your brain to work its way out.
But you are taking steps. You are looking for resources, talked about a warmline. All that is so hard when your despair is as heavy as yours. But it’s a brave and courageous first step. Also talking to me is a step. Allow yourself some credit for taking those steps. Because I imagine they are not easy to take. here is some info on cognitive distortions. https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-distortions#thought-origins
I was 11 the first time I tried to take my life. I told a school teacher who passed it on to a school counselor. I was basically brushed aside. They didn’t even tell my parents. The next time I tried I just didn’t bother telling anyone. I moved a lot growing up and lost a lot of friends along the way. I’ve had a few counselors give up on me believing they couldn’t help me. I was too much for Jody the other day. That set ablaze all my fears about not mattering/or being too much for people. I don’t know how to or not to reach out to others. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Going away feels like the only answer.
That’s what they did back then. Brush it under the rug because they didn’t know what to do. And I am at a loss why some kids have these thoughts do early. Some reach out and say their thoughts started at age 8. Have you ever had periods where you felt at peace and your brain didn’t tell you that you needed to die?
I’m sorry I’ve been taking up your time.
I’m sorry 😞
You are worth it. To me. You are a mom who is struggling and you have kids and a husband and probably not a lot who are listening. But I am. OK? I’m still here.
I know exactly how that feels Trudy, I’ve been speaking with Anne since October 25, 2021 & although she helped me develop a safety plan very early on, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, it’s not that she has failed to help me but I’m just too broken to be fixed, there is always someone who will say that it won’t be like this forever, you won’t always feel this way but it’s damn hard to believe that when your life has been nothing but the complete opposite for the last 10 years.
Cheyenne, I’m sorry you know how that feels. I wish none of us did.
Hi Anne, I wasn’t sure if I should comment but I’m feeling desperate. I wake up every day just wanting to die but the pain of dying itself scares me from making another attempt. I’m so desperately unhappy. My partner and the love of my life left me 4 months ago after 8 and half years ago and told me felt no loss which has made me feel worthless. Without him I don’t see any point in living. My friends and family are tired of me being depressed – I have bpd so this has been constant for 2years – I had become dependant on my ex and so he left me – I know its not good that I became dependant on him :(. I’m living with my bully of a mother and just know they’d all be better off without me – I’m just a burden and I’m so lonely. No one will ever want me again – I use a walking stick and just so sad. Trying to get professional support but it’s taking so long :(. I just want to die – feel so lost and overwhelmed. I’m 30 and not achieved anything in my life- christmas reminds of him constantly and I just want him back but he doesn’t even think of me – I was planning to just dissappear or try hang myself but saw your blog so thought I’d reach out in the hope of some support. Hope it’s ok to have said all this – just want the pain to stop. Hope to hear from you x
Hey. I will answer more fully shortly. I just want you to know I read the comment and will post another shortly. I am listening.
First of all, I’m so sorry you feel such despair. And the fact that you are posting shows ambivalence for dying. I suspect you just want to stop the unrelenting pain you feel. Being treated how you have is awful and if you have borderline (or bipolar?) abandonment would be the #1 issue that you dread. Now that it has happened, though, you have survived thus far right? That’s something. So give yourself credit for that. You got up this morning, and that in and of itself is progress.
It’s mean for this person to have said “he feels no loss” is just cruel. And unnecessary. Would you ever say that to someone? I would not. You do not deserve that.
Next I want you to understand as much as it hurts now, and it is brutal, it will never be as bad as it was when it first happened. That part is over and it won’t hurt that much again. When I lost my son, that’s what I told myself and it helped. It didn’t fix the hurt but it lessened the suffering and the time I spent suffering.
So what is the first thing you are going to do to make one step forward. That’s what I would like us to figure out. Together. Because it has to be something you want or are willing to do. It may be to call someone for lunch, going to a support group, joining a hiking group. Anything. But while those are ideas, the ideas need to come from you and what you enjoy. Because we need for you to make some connection outside of enviroment you are in to allow some crack of light back in so that can grow. It’s a first step. So tell me what you like to do or what has made life worth living.
Hi Anne,
Thank you for your reply. Its Christmas day and I’m crying on the sofa while my family are having a great time – don’t really want to join I’m because Christmas really reminds me of him as we used to spend it in Germany with his family together. I’m in so much pain and it doesn’t seem to be going. I can’t see past my pain at the moment. I used to like acting and campaigning but all that seems pointless and hollow now. I’m just so sad and want the pain to stop. I brought some meds to take while I’m at my mums boyfriend if it just gets too much. Nothing makes me feel better- I just want to die but talking to you gives me some hope – I don’t know what to do anymore – I just want my partner back :(. What do I do? 🙁 merry Christmas xx
Hi Anne,
Thank you for your kind reply. I’m sitting crying on the sofa on Christmas morning while my family are in the other room enjoying themselves – don’t want to bring them down but I just don’t want to be here anymore and I’m quite sure they would be better without me. I’m at my mums bfs house and brought extra meds in case I just can’t do it anymore. Christmas reminds me so much of my ex because we used to spend it with his family in Germany. I’m having am awful Christmas.
I don’t have any joy in things anymore – pain doesn’t seem to have changed at all and im just feeling worse amd worse. I used to luke acting and campaigning but I’ve lost all joy in everything. Speaking to you gives me a bit of hope but I just don’t know what to do anymore – what should I do?? Merry Christmas, Sophia xx
Losing someone is so hard. What I would say is the crying and really intense feelings of pain last about 60-90 seconds each. If there is no space between those waves then we are “refiring” that same emotion making it worse for ourselves. So it’s ok to feel and give into the pain and once it lifts distract. Get involved with the family and just do your best. You are going to feel an undercurrent of sadness but you will also have moments where you forget about him. They will be just glimmers at first. Tell yourself something like “this hurts, I am doing the best that I can.” While I can’t take the pain away and neither can you, you can lessen your suffering. I am so sorry. Christmas is a tough day for me too. But I can say that I am able to enjoy my family now and it’s not a day filled with despair. I am listening, reading every word and I truly feel for you. Because that kind of pain is so isolating and the real gem here is that you do have people to connect with today who love you. Even if that’s in their own warlord way. The antidote to painful isolation is connection and you will be using a behavioral skill called “opposite action” because it’s the opposite of what you want to do.
Step one, say to yourself “just sit up and put my feet in the floor.” Then once you do that give yourself one more command. “It hurts but I am going to stand up because I know wallowing will not help.” And then one by one you string all those steps together and you are sitting with your family. It’s a start. It won’t be perfect. But I can tell you are not fully committed to dying but just want the pain to stop. You can alleviate some of it. And right now it’s all you can do and that’s ok.
The world is not a better place with me in it.
Hey Trudy. I am glad to hear from you. You are a warrior to keep fighting. Tell me why you think that.
I have no purpose here. Jody told me to find one, but it’s not that simple. I’m more of a bother and burden than anything. Thanks for listening.
It’s OK to be in search of a purpose. Most who struggle with suicide say exactly what you’ve said. I think it’s just that your despair blocks your vision to what it might be.
I’m too much for everyone. Others have been successful; why can’t I?
That’s your brain telling you what others think. You can’t read minds right? And I wouldn’t call a suicide a success. Thoughts do not have to become actions. Step one is get enough sleep, eat right like it says on the back of the cereal box. Step 2 is to reach out to friends more. You don’t want to because you want to isolate. But you need to connect with others. Through one on one or a support group. It’s what gets you “outside your own head.” Then you can take specific actions to work your way out of this darkness. You have to meet people halfway. You have to allow someone else to help you save your own life. And you can find meaning if you allow it to happen. It doesn’t fix it all. And I’m not saying it’s easy or very simple. It’s not. I’m just telling you it’s worth it. It starts with taking some action to help you. You are taking that already by having a convo with me and Jody.
Thank you for listening at times no one else did. I did fight.
And if you did not have doubts about suicide you’d not bother. But you do have doubts. And that’s because there are reasons and people who love you. You are simply struggling with how to go forward when you are not loving yourself. And I do think that is possible.
I can’t paste a picture here, but at least in the US you can call or text 988 instead of the longer numbers now.
I know. Everyone worked many years to make that happen. 988 is definitely a breakthrough. The previous number was so hard to remember. Have you had any experience with calling 988?
The first time I tried I was getting no response. I mentioned that to the mental health nurse practitioner I see. She tried and got responses in Japanese. She reached out to someone who could make a change, and she checked in recently, and it worked. I haven’t tried since then.
At first it was a bit of a mess in some areas of the country. But it has smoothed out and a helpful resource now I hear. But I have not called in a while either. I usually am calling on behalf of someone or I need the nearest resources for where I am located.
Do they actually give you information on resources? Maybe I don’t communicate well with them, but I usually just end up being given a link to one online source and often the same one I’ve been given before.
I think it depends on where you are and probably who you get. For instance, NAMI has peer support groups all over the country–in person and online. And there are also warm lines in all states staffed by people who have felt just as you do.
Before Charles died and and even after his suicide, a support group, called family group, helped me so much. So I now co-facilitate a grief group. That helps them and still helps me. Anytime you are struggling it helps to be with others who also have felt as you do. Mental Health America has online support groups called “Alternatives to Suicide.” If you need help finding a resource, Trudy, I’d be happy to help. I know you have doubts and since that is the case, maybe find one thing that will help you feel more connected to life and others who struggle similarly.
I am still not where I need to be but taking it one day at a time. I’ve been trying to get out of the house some and keep myself occupied when I’m in it. I’m still holding onto a plan for “just in case I need to” which I know isn’t helpful. I still have a lot of work to do. I just wanted to check back in with you and update you.
Thank you first for the update. Keeping a plan in place is actually helpful for some people. So no guilt about that. Funny how having a plan to die can actually make you feel ok about living.
But it sounds like a little bit of progress. When I was grieving it was like I would make incremental progress. I had relapses along the way but just kept telling myself “stay the course, this won’t last forever.” I know it’s not exactly the same but the only catastrophic life event that comes close. But keeping yourself in the present and not catastrophizing about the future is good progress. I often have to keep myself from projecting stuff and worrying about things that have never happened. I actually tease myself about that one. “Anne Moss. Are you worrying about something that has never happened? Cut it out!”
Thanks again for the update Trudy.
I really do thank you! I think you are doing a great thing turning your pain into purpose. You have such a wonderful website. Thanks for listening.
Thank you Trudy.
I’m looked at like “the strong person” but I’m breaking. I want to die so bad but I’m 9 months pregnant and scared to hurt my family or unborn baby. Im scared my son won’t forgive me for leaving even tho he would never meet me or remember me. I’ve narrowed down it’ll take 10 min for me to be gone and if I’m not found in 10min after that my son will be gone too. I don’t want to hurt him at all but I don’t think I can continue and I don’t think I’ll be any good for him or to him when he’s born. He deserves better than me… he won’t even know who I am honestly. I also don’t want to hurt my mom and nana I’m scared they won’t forgive me for not being stronger. Do you forgive your son? Im sorry if that’s wrong to ask.
Broken- I’m so sorry it’s this bad. I think you are probably struggling with depression in pregnancy. Were you this depressed ever before? I’m listening.
Hi Trudy, I read the comments that you and Anne have been sharing over the last days. Please know that people are listening and watching you and CARE FOR YOU. Even though I don’t even know you 🙂 I relate to you so much, I remember sitting at the side of the road back in 2015, wanting to die. I felt incredibly alone. What helped me was calling a suicide hotline and speaking to someone anonymously. I went through some breathing exercises as well. Also, I made sure to park my car and just sit for a moment to breathe. It really helped in that moment. Also, I began speaking with other people anonymously who were in a situation like me, and I began to see that I wasn’t alone. This was in 2015. It took time, it was not easy, BUT I was able to find, what I call “little joys, little miracles”. Like, a favorite song that I love, or a favorite tree, or the way sky looks at 5 p.m. when the sun is about to set. It makes me happy to see purple clouds. I found little things that bring me joy and no one else. Trudy, thank you for sharing, because you are like me, you are communicating what you feel! That is incredibly brave. I am thousands of miles from you, but you are so brave to communicate and have an open dialogue about what you feel inside. I hope so much that you stay alive because there’s so many little joys and little miracles that happen so many times, I want you to know that tonight you became my little miracle reading your sweet words 🙂
Wow Pat, this is totally unexpected but what a beautiful way to write your story here. Thank you so much for helping me and Trudy and anyone else who might stop by this page. It is all about the little things and setting that one intention and then building on that which you have done. I also did the breathing. I even have a post here on breathing strategies but it’s really about taking a pause and reframing things. This is so amazing. I can’t thank you enough.
Thank you so very much! It has been a hard day. I needed that encouragement. I wish I had more eloquent words to reply because I am truly humbled and grateful.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being pulled apart on the inside. Do I wait for help, or do I take my chance?
I think you be Proactve and get help. Because there is so much doubt for a decision that is permanent. Where you start depends on what you like. I like to read and write so I start there. I also found support at a support group so included that. Some people work with American foundation of suicide prevention because giving back helps get us out of our own heads. So tell me what you like or have liked.
I don’t mean to be, but I’m a hard person to help. Thank you for everything.
I don’t think you are difficult. I get cussed out a lot so I find you a gentle and thoughtful soul who is just tired of the relentless hurting. I like that you have tried things and taken initiative which shows immense courage and strength. So for that reason alone, I really don’t think you are a “lost cause.” You actually have a lot of resilence. I’m sure you don’t see it that way. But you haven’t given in easily that’s for sure. You’ve fought like a tiger. What’s more you are still trying.
I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where else to turn. I’ve been trying.
This was written by my friend Jody Betty. It’s a place to start. She lives with daily suicidality and somehow has created a community.
https://jodyb2016.wordpress.com/2016/08/08/i-want-you-to-want-to-live/
And this book has been recommended and is on this page. I see the number of downloads and purchases so I know many who have come to this page have bought it.
https://amzn.to/3wt4lQn
I do hear some doubt so if there is doubt there is hope. OK. I am here. I am listening. If you want I can put you in touch with Jody either on Twitter or by email.
I’m not on Twitter, so it would have to be email, but despite what she said, I am a burden and don’t want to burden her, or you, or anyone. I just need to make up my mind once and for all. I don’t want to hurt my family, but I don’t want to live.
Well, she often has said the same and somehow she survives and thrives. So I’ll reach out to her and ask. I know your intention is not to hurt your family, Trudy. You are suffering. I do understand that.
I can’t thank you enough for listening!! She has already reached out to me. I haven’t thrived for a very long time.
Excellent. You can still talk to me. I felt you needed someone who has been where you are and somehow finds a reason to live. She does reach out and ask for support when she needs it. It has to beat you down to feel you have not thrived. And I do think you can again. My soul is rooting for you
Thank you for help!
https://www.jonseidl.com/blog/2021/7/22/a-letter-to-those-considering-suicide-im-sorry-for-what-others-have-told-you
He has an interesting letter to those considering suicide.
There’s nowhere else to turn now. I’m not going back to the hospital. You really do have a lot of good information. I just can’t be helped.
Trudy. When you say “I can’t be helped” you set that intention. While what you have is not something you can necessarily control you can reduce the suffering by not saying that to yourself. Or when you do say “Trudy. Please don’t say that to yourself. It’s not helpful right now. I could use your support.” I know it’s self talk. But the technique can help take the edge off.
I am so sorry you are burdened with such thoughts.
If you don’t mind me asking, what was the most helpful thing for you to adjust with life without your son?
If you don’t mind me asking, what was the most helpful thing for you to adjust with life without your son?
Speaking with thousands like you who struggle with thoughts of suicide, writing (3,600 blog posts and two 300-page books), support group, giving back. My son left lyrics that helped me understand. Those are but a few. I won’t lie. It’s been agonizing work and I never thought I would survive but I did. And I ache for him and while I have forgiven myself there will always be a tinge of guilt.
I’m so sorry for over sharing! Feeling isolated and stumbled across your site. I don’t have anyone to listen.
I can listen! And I want you to feel heard. Because you deserve that. If you do call 988 or do 741-741, can you share that experience with me? And I am not encouraging you to go elsewhere. I am happy to chat and ask questions (you know I can do that) and reply. I can tell you are really struggling right now and don’t want you to feel unsupported. Just know that if I don’t answer it means I am asleep although it is not time to go to bed yet. I will answer when I wake up. And that’s why I gave you the numbers. Just in case.
Thank you so very much! You are the one encouraging voice right now. I’m sorry that seems like too heavy a burden to put on you. Yes, it is an almost constant battle right now. I have texted the crisis line before. I may again, but my experience has been that they want to give you online resources and trust you to them. I am tired of this battle.
Hmmm. Thanks for the feedback on the textlines. Sometimes it just helps to have someone listen. I feel that way when I have struggles. Mine are not as extreme but I know talking or texting helps. I hear you are tired. Is it because it’s so constant? Like it wears you down over time?
And one more thing. Has ketamine worked for you? It does for some. Doesn’t for others. I’m curious what it was like for you if you ahve.
You are right about it wearing me down over time, especially like now when it’s an almost constant battle. Surprisingly, with all the medications I have been on, I have never taken ketamine.
For most it’s more of an emergency type drug to reset your brain. And for others it works as maintenance. And for some it’s not effective. But surprisingly good results and then medically overseen psilocybin is being researched with good results too. I suspect you have a difficult treatment resistant depression. I am sorry about that because it is exhausting. I get clinical depression after anesthesia for about 8 weeks. And even in that short time it wears on me. That’s just a smudge of a taste of what you endure.
The very last thing in the world that I want is to hurt my family, but I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for listening!
Your brain, one part of it is trying to convince you it’s the only option. Does writing here help? Not fox it but offer some respite? Again more of my curious questions.
I’m sorry. I’ve said too much.
Trudy. I have talked to hundreds maybe even thousands who are in active suicidality. No two are exactly alike but there are similarities. One of them is the feeling of worthlessness. And I think the brain just gets tired of being yanked back and forth.
Sorry if I said something to upset or offend you. I did appreciate you listening. I don’t know any other road to take. I won’t bother you anymore.
Trudy. Why do you think I don’t want to talk to you? I do. I am not at all bothered and I hope I didn’t sound that way. If I did accept my apology. Please keep responding. How are you today?
There are brief moments of reprieve, but most of the time it’s all I can think about, and every time I feel more isolated or make a mistake it just confirms to my mind that there’s no other choice.
So it’s like there is this constant fight in your head?
I think I have everything I need. I’m just not sure exactly when and where. I’ve had a harder time breathing today. I think it’s from all the pressure of trying to decide what to do. I’m sorry if I’m telling you too much.
So when someone is suicidal there is no time in the process you are totally committed to the idea. Doubt is your brain’s natural instinct to save you. It probably why there is so much “I want to” and “I don’t want to” going on. So it really is like a roller coaster of emotions.
My husband has said he’d never forgive me if I took my life. You’ve forgiven your son right? You wouldn’t for anything have wished it to happen, but you’ve been able to keep living and even help others through your pain?
I think others don’t understand. At first I thought it was something my son “did to me.” And later I realized how much pain he was in. The person I needed to forgive was me. That took over a year. I wasn’t angry at charles. But his brother was.
I’m sorry. I can be too much. Thank you for caring and listening.
You are not too much for me! Guess what others say about me. I am a handful. Part of our charm!
If I go away I won’t bother anyone anymore.
Let me know why you feel you are a bother. And just so you know I don’t find you a bother.
I keep ending up in the dark even after people try to help me. I’m too broken to be fixed. I think they’d be better off without me bothering. I’ve been trying, but I never get it right. I don’t know what else to do.
I know how you feel, I also think that I’m too broken to be fixed…I’ve been trying so hard to be strong but I just can’t do it anymore! 😢💔
My therapist says that people don’t need to be fixed but understood. I don’t know if that is true, but I’d like to believe it.
I think for the most part people like to feel heard. And we need to connect in that way more. You are helping me too you know. It helps me to understand and to just be here for another. So I think your therapist is right
I’m sorry for taking up your time.
I am happy to talk with you Trudy. Longer answer on another thread.
I would say that my acute suicidal thoughts last at least an hour, and yes I know that constant despair. Sometimes I even call my suicidal thoughts urges, because if I’m lying in bed, for instance, I’ll grab the sheets to hold myself in place, so I don’t get up and do anything. I’m a hopeless case, too broken to be fixed. It won’t matter if I do. Sorry to take up your time.
It must feel so bad to think of yourself that way. But it’s interesting that you see yourself as worthless while I see someone who is a survivor. That’s a lot of work. At least from my perspective. I wonder how I would weather all that. I don’t know really and that means I don’t know how hard this is. Not really. All I can do is assume. And an hour of cycling suicidal thoughts is a lot. I appreciate the candid and honest answers. It helps me to understand.
You say you’ve tried everything and so tell me what that is since people do different things. (I was driving yesterday so unable to converse.)
I have had several counselors, some of whom have given up on me. I’ve had exposure therapy, EMDR, DBT, and currently IFS (sorry for all the abbreviations). I have attended Celebrate Recovery and attended my first NAMI group a couple of weeks ago. This summer and early fall I went through 12 weeks of intensive outpatient group therapy. I have been hospitalized several times. I am currently on several medications. I may be forgetting something. All of that and I’m still researching ways to kill myself and making plans. I do so appreciate you listening and caring. I’m a lost cause.
No one can say you have not tried. Glad you got in a NAMI group. That helped me the most. As a parent that is. I started to reframe things. I think you are a warrior. Since you mentioned them tell me about your kids. What are they like?
They’re great. My son is in the Army stationed in Germany. He has a girlfriend and loves to travel. My daughter works full-time and takes online college classes. She has a boyfriend.
I don’t want to hurt them. I have hung on for them and my husband for so long. I just don’t know what else to do anymore. Thank you for caring. I’m not easy to help.
Thank you for all the helpful information. When I’ve thought about ways to kill myself I have avoided hanging in the past. I’m glad I searched how to tonight because I found this site. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I will take the time to look through what you’ve shared. Thank you for your strength and courage and sorry for your loss.
Thank Trudy. That was most unexpected. I’m sorry the despair is so bad. I don’t know why some brains turn against their owners sometimes. I will listen and respond if you reply. I want you to know I hear you.
Thank you for being a voice of hope and caring. I think everyone else is tired of listening to me. I’ve fought so long, and I’m tired. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.
I know from experience it is the helplessness we feel. Most of your loved ones think they have to fix it and are overwhelmed by the mental health system which is confusing and unhelpful. But most of all our loved ones don’t get the education they need to understand you and appreciate the courage it takes to fight these feelings for so long. And I get that because there isn’t a whole lot to support families either. Sometimes I suspect you just need a hug. Since I am not there I hope you feel my virtual one although not as good as a real one because I can give great hugs.
I wrote something about Eeyore on this site. It’s about just accepting and inclusion. https://annemoss.com/2019/09/22/what-eeyore-has-taught-us-about-acceptance/
Thank you! I am just one tiny light. I don’t matter.
I think the digital age has really made people feel more insignificant. I’m so sorry you feel small. Are there any kind of triggers that kind of amplify that feeling? Or is it just a lot of things at once?
I don’t want to hurt my family, but I have fought for so long. This is the only way. Thanks for listening.
How often do you get thoughts of suicide? And why do you think it’s the only way? I hope you are OK with all my curious questions, Trudy.
I don’t mind your questions at all. I have those thoughts much too often. I’m 50 now, and the first time I tried to kill myself I was 11. I have tried and tried to be better, but I keep ending up at the same place. We just moved, so I feel smaller than ever. I’m just a burden.
Moving. Yes. Transitions and relationship disruptions are the two “last straw” events that drive people who are vulnerable toward suicide. And moving is a HUGE transition. And many teens tell me they have thoughts of suicide that started at age 8. That’s a long time to struggle.
So obviously there is hesitation. Can you tell me 2-3 things that have made life worth living? They may not override your sense of worthlessness right now but they worked at some point. So those 2-3 things could be family members, a pet, a memory of something that happened in the past.
My husband and kids are the only things that keep me fighting. My kids are young adults now and don’t really need me.
So you have a husband and kids. And young adults need you in a different way, Trudy. It’s more subtle. My mom just died at age 87. She would have said the same but I’m grieving a lot. I’ve really struggled with it. I did still need her. For me, it’s losing the one person who thought the world revolved around me. I miss that.
Do you have a memory that makes you smile. A vacation, a life event that brought you joy?
I am asking for a reason. Thank you for putting up with all my questions. 🙂
I didn’t see a way to reply to your last question. Maybe you didn’t want me to? I’ve really struggled to come up with a memory. I think my mind is just so absorbed with darkness. Thank you for listening!
I did want you to answer if you could. (By the way start a new thread if we run out of replies.) And you are right. If you are feeling really dark that memory question is super hard. And it takes longer. But it’s a sort of way to trigger your brain out of the current cycle. Some people feel acutely suicidal for 20 minutes and some for an hour. And then the underlying current of despair. Do you recognize a pattern to your thoughts. And again this might be difficult to sort out. I am trying to understand your brain’s process.
Thank you Anne for everything you’ve written and shared…this has helped me so much you have no idea. I came here looking for an end and I’ve found some hope and love.
Hey Tony. Thank you for saying that. I can’t tell you what it means. And I am glad it helped you. Can you tell me what led to your despair? Only if you want. I will listen and respond.
It was a lot of things…from separation, being away from my daughter to starting a new job and having to move back in with my parents after owning my own home and being completely self sufficient. I feel like a complete failure sometimes…often I don’t feel like I actually matter to anyone…like I’m just a tool to get people things.
That made my heart hurt. Geez that is a lot all at once. I am sorry this is happening to you. When something this big happens it’s so hard to even concentrate
I’m so sorry Anne, so sorry for what happened to your son, and so sorry for your family’s loss. Every one always says things like “If only I’d knew”, “If only they’d let me know” but what to you do when you have told the person who is supposed to care the most and they don’t care. It’s crushing, I can’t take it any more. The world is such a cruel, cruel place.
Oh that is so painful. To have opened yourself up like that, been so vulnerable and someone does not help. I am so sorry. I am so sad for you. You don’t deserve this. Is there another trusted adult you can tell? A county hotline you can call for next steps? Either way, no matter what, I will respond to you. You deserve that. I can also post a link to choosing the right person. But right now I want to hear from you. What brought you to this place if you know. I’m listening….
Plz help me…! 😢💔
Hey Love. I’m here. I’m listening.
I found this article after looking at ways to end my life. i want to die but im scared. the only thing stopping me seems to be my mother. i have felt like this for over 4 years now, but the past two years were better as i found someone who supported me and made me feel okay about myself. that was until she left. she said i was holding her back and i used her as a crutch. she was and is right. the past two weeks ive worked my ass off to try and better myself. this has killed me even more as i could not win her back. i showed her how much i had grown and changed in such a short period of time. it didnt work at all. that felt worse than the breakup. i hate myself so much that it feels like this Everest sized mountain i have to climb in order to be happy with myself at all. the idea of getting over her just to get back to the dark pit of depression i was in before. i wake up in tears, cry myself to sleep, and toss and turn all night as i have nightmares of not being enough. i work a physically and mentally draining job being in hot attics and disgusting crawl spaces daily and it seems like every aspect of my life is terrible. i no longer wish to think about the future, it only seems dark and sad. i have nothing to look forward to in my life besides pain. i lost the love of my life and now im stuck with the life I hate. Your article took that pain away for a few hours as i read more articles, completely mesmerized by the emotion of your words. idk why but i have always hated reading but your articles intrigue me in a way that i dont think about my own terrible life for just even a few minutes. But then reality sets in as i finish reading and im back to the dark pit i seem to reside in. i just want it to stop.
The brain is so odd how it will latch into everything that is bad in your life, blocking anything that could potentially be good. I suffered through that after my son’s death by suicide. It took time and effort to let a crack of light in and finally before it widened. I am sorry this has happened to you. I feel like you struggle with what a lot of others do, self love. And it’s torturing you. All of that has to feel so overwhelming and even physically painful as well.
By the way you mentioned your mom. Can you share one find memory from the past about your mom? A trip, something she did, or a time when you both laughed together or cries together? I am just curious what she’s like. Since I’m a mom. 🙂
My mom is amazing. she tries her best to be there for me whenever I need it. My father and her split up when I was a sophomore in high school so since then we haven’t been as close. Between just being a normal teen who is going through my own changes to everything around me changing too. It was a really rough time and I definitely resented her for it. Still through all of that she is here for me as I feel like I’m in my darkest time. She is willing to talk, listen, or even lay there and just cry with me if I need it. I feel horrible though. Despite how much love I feel or how much she is there for me, I still feel so alone. My mind still cant let go of my ex. The past few days I’ve tried so stay and be positive but despite that I still have morning like this where I wake up and feel worthless, alone, and I don’t see a future for myself. I don’t know how to even love myself, but it’s even harder to when all I can think about is the person I love with all my heart telling me I held them back and the idea of never speaking or even being friends with her again (my ex).
It sounds agonizing. Clearly, you shared your heart and now it hurts. I love this, “She is willing to talk, listen, or even lay there and just cry with me if I need it.” Not all moms do that. So rely on that. And by all means, cry, complain, get pissed here all you want. You can express your pain freely here. I want you to know I hear you. OK?
Thank you for responding to me. It is definitely one of the only things that has kept me going. I am doing better since the last two times I reached out for some kind of help. It was comforting to know a stranger cares about me when I felt like the people who know me didnt. I quit my job and finally cut things off completely with my ex and ive felt a lot better. Aside from those waves of feeling inadequate because im currently unemployed, it seems easier to ride those waves and not feel them crazing over me. I know im not the first or the last person that you have helped like this. i wanted to reach out and tell how much it truly meant to me for you to not only share your story, but also take the time to respond to me when i felt like i was at my lowest.
I can hardly believe that what I say would matter that much. Thank you for making me feel like I do matter and reminding me how important it is to listen. (You made my week and it’s been a tough one.)
You have made some very important changes for your own mental health that frankly amaze me. The breakup had to be a really hard one to make. Thank you for reporting on how you felt after. I’m so glad you have found a sliver of light and relief. Thank you for coming back and reporting on how you are. That means a lot to me. And anytime. You know I’ll answer. If I don’t it means I’m in intensive care!
Don’t know why I’m posting. Found this looking up how to hang myself. I guess this is the only vehicle at the moment to let out how I’m feeling since i have no one to talk to. Been depressed my whole life and have been hospitalized for depression in the past, medication, therapy but yet here i am (I still remember one therapist telling me on a scale of 1-10 i appeared as a 2 to the world. Don’t know if she meant i was just ugly, looked like crap, but it’s just another thing that i think about it a lot and am done with therapists). I’m still a worthless loser after all this time. One thing that stood out to me was how that video said to “tell someone” About a month ago I told my wife I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself and she didn’t care at all. it was very hard for me to state it and then I broke down crying. Instead of caring at all she went to the other room to talk to her friends and ignored me the rest of the night and the next morning. She hasn’t asked how I’m doing since. I truly believe she would be better off and probably wants me to kill myself so she can be rid of me. i truly have no value as a person. also in the past in college ive told just a few people about my depression and they ended up ghosting me..so yea for me it seems like just fighting this life long battle on my own until i have the courage to end it. i feel completely empty inside most of the time. like a shell of a person. i can do nothing right.
First I am so sorry those you have told have not responded how they should. And that’s because they don’t know what to do. Their reaction is not uncommon unfortunately which is why I actually teach classes on how to respond. And I have to say people are so surprised and then they realize how they have answered and how it’s not helpful. So I think it’s not that people do t care they just this kind “I am not qualified” and they shit down. I see how that makes you feel. To reveal the darkness in your souls and have people react like you just told them you have a pimple. I will listen. I will respond. And I apologize for all the humans who have made you feel more worthless because they have no idea what the f*#€k to do. You deserve better.
I have thought and struggled with suicide attempts and thoughts probably since I was 14. I’m currently 31. The best way I can describe it is that I’m just over it. Over the repeated bad things happening, abuse, struggle, traumas, being strong. I’m mainly tired of carrying on like I have always needed to. I have a great career, an awesome dog, and idk if it’s really a family because no one really cares or has ever been a support system, but I guess I have a “family” too. I’ve always had to be the strong one making it on my own. I lost my sister 2 years ago from the effects of being an addict. She got a really bad infection she never sought treatment for which attacked her organs and when finally rushed to the ER, they administered blood thinners to aid, but caused a severe brain bleed resulting in brain death. She was coherent all the way up till then. Her and I weren’t close nor raised together, so I didn’t feel grief or loss. I watch my family feel it to this day. If anything I feel jealous, because I rather it of been me. She has 3 kids. I just have a job and a dog. And I also feel understanding. She turned to drugs bc of her own mental torment. She had been successful in rehabs just to relapse. Probably bc of the mental torment. She didn’t seek antibiotics or doctors during her infection, probably bc she would of rather died, and I get that. I get her exhaustion. I’m at this exhaustion and no more energy left to fight it back.
It must be very hard to fight those feelings for so long. That’s what I am hearing you say. So if that’s not right you can correct me. You sound exhausted- mentally and physically. So you mentioned your dog. Tell me about him. We had Charles’s dog for years after his death. He provided us with so much joy and comfort in our grief. So tell me about your pup. I will answer and I do hear you.
I’d love some help. I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s only the thought of my children hating me that stood me from killing myself.
It’s OK to hold onto that thought if it’s working to keep you alive. Right now, that’s your #1 job and I am here to support that. I’m honored you have asked for help. Can you tell me your city and state? Not your address because I know no one wants to offer that. I just want to figure out what resources you have locally. Is there someone you can tell? If you do tell someone, you can call a local crisis line for next steps–usually a risk assessemnt and safety plan.
Or you might be in a place where you need to go get mental health services and get urgent treatment to reverse your feelings of suicide. There are treatments work as a rescue to reverse the thoughts that work for a lot of people. If you share your city and state, I might be able to find local mental health services for you in your area. If you are in the USA. So if you are not, we’ll figure out a plan B.
I am in Queensland, Australia.
I’m going to admit to being less familiar with those resources. In case you want the hotline where they can direct you to local resources, that’s here: https://www.lifeline.org.au/
However, we can work together on a safety plan in the meantime. Or choose someone to tell if you are willing to do that. If you want to do that via email, reach out here. I will reply and you will have my email. https://annemoss.com/contact-2/
I am so sorry your despair is so bad. I hope you get this. I am concerned about you and your well being.
I feel like I’ve never known what to do with my life. And I still don’t. Every job I try just feels utterly meaningless. I am at my wit’s end. I just want to die.
Liam- That’s a tough place to be. I am sorry.
Do you think some people are incapable of not feeling this pain. I’m not manic or angry or even sad anymore I’m just tired and don’t want to carry on for ever feeling this way
Suicidal thoughts are different for everyone but most report feeling “numb” at least at some point. Some have a period of episodes and then other have it since they were 8. And still others might get that feeling once. How have your thoughts evolved?
I myself am also incapable and emotionless. Exhausted and drained is the only way I can describe it. Tbh, it’s a heck of a lot scarier that I feel this way.
Is it like your hope has drained? I hope it’s ok to ask that. I just want to make sure I hear you right. If you reply I will too. I am here. I will answer
I didn’t mean to find your website.
I have tried other ways before. But it’s been a long time since i last attempted to end my life. Apparently hanging is a better method. Idk.
I’m 27. Not that young, not that old. I feel 90. I feel weighed down. I’ve been struggling with this since I was 13-14. Perhaps even earlier. I’m sorry I have to add to your burden of comments. But I’m in a dark place and I don’t know how to reach out to anyone else. Because I don’t really want them to help. I know they would. I know they love me. I just don’t want help. I want it over.
I’m so sorry for your son. Thank you for this page.
You are not adding to my burden. Your comments, all the comments here, have helped me understand that brain attack known as suicidal thinking. I hear from so many who have struggled with these thoughts since they were 8, 9, 10 years old. The feeling you describe of heaviness, I have felt that too. Not from being suicidal but I know what you mean. Was their anything in particular that triggered this particular episode? I am listening and I will answer.
Anne Rogers,
I just wanted to write to you and say that you are a breath of fresh air in a world that is chalk full of darkness, greed, selfishness, negativity and despair. I see selfish people that can’t even see past the end of their noses everyday.
I see family’s that don’t even give a shit about their children.
You are an extraordinary and remarkable person for the kindness and light that you bestow in this world. There are very few souls that would take the time you have to help so many people. Especially; People that are struggling. People that are lonely. People that are voiceless. People that are frankly, just, people.
I love that last line especially. People who are just people. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It’s nice to know that it does come across as genuine. I will also say it is fro. Those with lived experience who have generously shared their stories and their pain that has moved me through to understanding it better. And understanding that each and every person’s personal experience is different like a snowflake. Now let me know how you are today. How you might be feeling. And I do hope you are still with us.
Hi Anne I’m 41 years old and I’ve been suicidal since the age of 13 in the last two years I have made 15 attempts by overdosing on various pills. My last overdose was in February this year and I really thought it would finish me off I mean I swallowed 200 paracetamol I honestly hoped that would be enough but my parents called an ambulance and I woke up. The only reason I continue is because of my dog Happy she is my soul mate the greatest love of my life but she just turned 10 years old and has a lot of health issues which is why I have made so many attempts in the last two years because I am consumed every single waking moment of every day of the notion of losing her and I can’t imagine being here without her so I want to leave this world first. I’ve never tried hanging myself but I’ve thought a lot about it because pills don’t seem to kill me no matter how many I take so I googled what’s the easiest way to hang myself? And I came across your website. This isn’t a cry for help because I don’t believe there is any. I just felt very moved by your story with your son and I guess being so suicidal myself I can connect with him I know what it’s like to be in the darkest place imaginable and every single moment of every day feels unbearable. In some ways I wish I knew him so I could tell him I understand. I’m so sorry for your loss but I think you are amazingly courageous and have the biggest kindest heart to reach out to those who like your son struggle to get through the day and make it to the next. I will try to hang myself and knowing my past record I will probably fail but I’m all out of hope and I have no desire to be in this world anymore. I feel like I’ve already died and I’m just a ghost haunting my family putting them through pain and grief and as much as they assure me that I’m not a burden I always feel like one. If we never speak again please know you are helping so many people by being so open and honest with those that feel so unimaginably lost x
Keri. I am so sorry for the pins you feel. It is clearly very intense. Tell me what is special about your pup. Since you mentioned your dog.
My entire life I’ve wanted a dog and when I hit 30 I was ready to end my life and my parents got me a dog so she is my entire reason for living but as she’s gotten older my terror and anxieties about losing her have become insanely intense which is why the past two years I have made so many attempts overdosing. Just the idea of her not being here hurts me so much I can’t bare it to the point where I need to leave this world first because if the notion of her not being here is so intensely painful I can’t even comprehend the pain of the actual reality I just need to die first.
Losing a pup is so hard. We got Charles a dog when he was 15. That dog meant a lot to our whole family. One thing I learned after my son’s death was to enjoy what I had right then and not worry over a future that has not yet happened. It robbed my joy. I am grateful we had Andy in our lives for 14 years. https://annemoss.com/2018/05/24/sad-dog/
Hi my names is jordan,
Iv been in such a dark dark place for so long … I feel as if I have nobody but just keep a smile on my face for everyone else and submerge myself into helping other to block my pain.
My sister died of terminal cancer and left me devistated and in my grief my partner left me.
I’m addicted to drink and drugs and can’t ever seem to get away or feel better and I’m now at the lowest point in my life I don’t have answers anymore or solutions it’s just too hard.
It does seem like too much energy when you are in a place that dark. I am so sorry especially for the grief. Having been through that process I can say that it was the hardest thing I ever did. Let me ask you this. If you were to take just one single step today to help yourself, what would that be? Just one.
And I say “if” because it’s not my decision but yours. I hear you. I am ok sitting with you in your pain. And if you respond so will I. I am honored you commented and shared your story.
Aww please don’t kill your self please please don’t my dad just did and it’s the most heartbreaking thing ever, your family love you and you are not a burden xxx
I don’t know how to talk about this. My thoughts know it’s wrong but my body just wants to. Can’t find a therapist that can really help out. Not sure what to do.
It’s a really hard topic to talk about. I mean it’s the deepest, darkest, most painful confession that is so very hard to understand. From what I gather from the thousands I’ve spoken to with suicidal thoughts, they describe exactly what you have in one sentence– “My thoughts know it’s wrong but my body just wants to” which is an ambivalence to dying yet a wish to die at the same time. Like a tennis match in your head. I’m so sorry you suffer this way. Where do you live? Not your address, just your city, and state. I can share some resources if you are interested. Therapists are so booked up right now. However, there are alternatives. You deserve to be supported and you will find support here. No matter what though, I’ll answer. I will listen. I will respond.
You are the only person I feel like Ii can be open and honest with about how bad I am feeling. I have a number of people around me but none really care. I wish my own mum was still here to give me a hug like she used to when I was really young. Facing all this emotional pain every hour of every day is more than I can cope with.
Tonight was meant to be the night that I killed myself. I had made my noose and planned which wood I was going to go to but then fell asleep on the sofa. When I woke it was too late to say I was going out for an innocent walk to my wife. Will try again this evening. I could have used paracetamols tonight but I keep reading the horror stories about it taking days for you finally die of liver failure. Vets are apparently the only ones that have access to a sure fire way to end their lives easily.
It is the neighbours that have triggered this recent suicide episode feeling. They have been shouting horrid things out of the window and came knowing on my door hurtling abuse and saying very hateful things to me. I have had enough and can not cope with this anymore.
Adrian. I am so sorry you feel such despair. It sounds like a lot of things have happened and the neighbor incident has really triggered you.
So you live with your wife. Does she know how you feel?
Tell me why on earth your neighbors would say cruel things to you?
I hope you are ok with all the questions. I am just trying to understand completely. If you reply I will too. I hope you do.
Anne. You are right, it has really triggered me. My wife know how I feel but there is nothing she can do.
My neighbours are just pure evil. They have been trying to force us out of this house for the last 2 years and that is at the root of it all.
I am currently sat looking at the clock. As soon as it reaches 4pm then I can go out and buy some rope and put and end to this. I just hope they don’t then start on my wife.
That sounds like such horrible harassment. And right where you live too. Home is supposed to be where we can find some peace. Again I am so sorry. What are the chances that they will harass your wife do you think? I mean if you did kill yourself. Would they let up at all?
Hello
I don’t know what else to do. I’ve suffered with depression for so many years and even when I think I’m getting better I still result into suicidal thoughts. I’m currently unemployed, so can’t afford therapy.
I don’t see another way out, I was so withdrawn on my recent birthday, as I never thought I’d reach this age (26).
I don’t know what to do
I’m so sorry. But I am glad you posted here. That took a lot of courage and I’m honored you trust me enough to do that.
I can listen and respond and maybe together we can figure out a step forward? I usually do that with a series of questions because it is about you and how you feel about it. How does that sound?
Not here to ask for help, rather thank you for this article and your kindness. I was, evidently, in a dark place and was hysterical in my grief. I’d skimmed multiple websites and stumbled upon yours, and reading your story and heartfelt words managed to calm me down enough to be rational. You obviously work really, really hard to help others. You are very kind. Thank you for all the work you’ve done. Please take care of yourself, and may 2022 be a good year. To everyone else in a similarly dark place, please hang on. There is still kindness in this world and joys to be had, waiting for you to experience. It’s never too late.
That is one of the sweetest comments ever. I’m so sorry you have felt such despair but I am grateful that you ended up here and posted a comment. Thank you, Sylvia. I do so get the despair of tremendous loss.
Despite Christmas being a time when we should all be happy and celebrating I find myself sat here researching different suicide methods. My mum was not very close to me (my sister yet but not me) but despite this I wish she was still alive to give me a hug right now. I lost all my family and a hug from anyone would be well received right now. l had got my heart set on going into the hills and giving myself hyperthermia by sitting in a stream. I was hoping to do this in the next couple of days but the UK is now reporting an unusual increase in temperatures over the next couple of days. Why won’t life give me a break and let me have control over how and when I want to die.
Oh Adrian, you lost your sister? I can feel your despair. I get what you are saying about wanting one more hug. Grief is so hard. I wish I could give you one. How long ago did you lose your sister?
Sorry, I didn’t explain myself very well. My sister is still alive I believe but she was always a knife between me and my mum. My mum dies in 2015 and since then my sister has achieved her objective and pushed me out of the family. My mum expected it would happen.
I don’t miss my sister but I do miss my mum.
Oh Adrian that’s awful. She’s being a devil because of her own struggles. But I’m so sorry you are the victim. That must feel awful. Well obviously it feels awful. But of course you miss your mum. Totally understandable. I lost my son in 2015. That’s not that long ago. Tell me something that was special about your mum. If that’s OK.
Hi Anne, could you e-mail me a copy of my safety plan please?
Sure. I will do that now.
Thank you so much for holding onto a copy of it, your a life-saver! I attempted suicide by hanging on Monday night, physically I’m ok, mentally…I’m not…I just want it to all be over.
Oh Cheyenne. I am so sorry. For your despair. But I can’t help but be grateful. I can tell part of you definitely wants to die. But I can also tell part of you what’s to live. That’s a confusing place to be.
You have nothing to apologise for, if anyone should be apologising, it’s me (because I didn’t die).
I am here. It’s Christmas Day here. Tell me one good memory from your past. Take your time thinking about it.
I’m TRAPPED in the darkness of my own mind and I CAN’T escape…! 😭💔
Yours is relentless Cheyenne. I am so sorry. What do you think you will do next? We have discussed options but of course it’s not my choice.
I think there’s only one thing I can do…it just wouldn’t be right to stay…knowing that I am only adding to my pain and suffering…when the way out is right there in front of me…it’s the right thing to do.
I keep thinking that you mentioned the doctor. And since there is a bit of doubt doesn’t it make sense to try that option? Since your mom is asking? She is feeling something is not right.
There is no doubt about it, I am going to end my life…going to see my GP, was never a choice and you know that.
Actually, I didn’t know that. What are the feelings you’ve been having other than the obvious one of wanting to die?
Broken, depressed, fragile, overwhelmed, vulnerable.
Wow Cheyenne. Thank you for being so candid.
Your welcome – can we talk over email?
Sure. I will reply to a previous email.
I can relate to you right now. There is nothing left inside of me. Not even the pain, that’s gone too.
Danetta- how long have you felt this way? Days, hours? I am listening.
The only reason I’m still here are 4 cats who are deeply attached to me and, sadly, may not do well after I’m gone. When my ex retires, I lose my primary insurance and all prescription coverage. The last several years, my rx plan paid over c$126,000 for disease management and sustaining life. I will be looking at prolonged suffering, then death. I choose to not endure the suffering and go right to death. I know, in addition, I’m depressed and grieving. My boyfriend, who wants loved me deeply seems to be repelld by me, rejects me regularly and can’t even act as a friend towards me. I have no purpose, I’m useless, worthless and a burden to those around me. I do not make this decision lightly.
First of all, I’m so sorry about the relationship. That heartbreak can often be the last trigger that makes us feel suicidal despair. That plus your other worries seem to be ganging up on you. I am going to ask you to stay in the present regarding your healthcare for now. Once you start projecting in the state of mind you are in, it spirals. But no matter way, I will listen and I will respond. Tell me what’s special about your cats?
I am not well,
I am broken,
I want to cry,
I want to die 😭💔
Hi Cheyenne. I am here. Is there an emergency strategy that works for you? No matter. I will respond. Thank you for reaching out. Listening…
Hi Anne, Honestly? I just don’t feel like I can keep myself safe anymore, all I can think about right now is how much pain I’m in and how I am going to leave this world to be in a better place.
Well the part of your brain that wants to live is still fighting for your life while the other half is trying to destroy you. So there is doubt. And where there is doubt there’s hope. All I can say is that as long as you are here and you comment here I will answer. And listen. (I was driving today from another state so sorry about the delay)
I’m tired of wanting to cry and I’m tired of wanting to die, I just can’t do this anymore 😢💔
It is hard especially if you are isolated. I wish I could be there to just give you a hug. Allow you to cry on my shoulder.
This will probably be the last time that you’ll hear from me, I just wanted to thank you for all of your support over the last month and to say a proper goodbye, you tried your best to save me but in the end I was in too deep.
You are such a shining jewel. I do wish life didn’t hurt so much. If you are here I am still here to listen and respond.
Thank you, but you know as well as I do, that my time here on earth is coming to an end, it just wouldn’t be right to prolong my pain and suffering.
Well if you decide to stay I am here. And I will answer. And I won’t lie. I am glad to hear from. You today. Relieved.
I’m still planning on ending my life – just want to make sure I get it right this time.
As long as you are here I will listen. Have they ever tried ketamine for you for suicidality?
No, I live in Scotland and I have never heard of Ketamine being used to manage suicidal thoughts.
They use it here and it’s been very helpful to most in suicidal crisis. Not everyone but most. Maybe write that on your safety plan in case it’s available to you at some point.
You were right about one thing and that is that while part of my brain wants to live and is fighting for my life, the other half is trying to destroy me. For me, suicide wasn’t so much about dying, but more about wanting my pain and suffering to end, everyday is a battle against my own mind and it’s getting worse, I just want to be at peace but I’m afraid that the part of my brain that is trying to destroy me is getting bigger and bigger and I won’t be able to fight it for much longer.
That had to be weird and scary at the same time. That battle back and forth alone sounds exhausting. And I can understand how it can wear you down. I am still here. I will still respond. Thank you for explaining that.
When I first started Sertraline 3 years ago, I found that the suicidal thoughts did stop, it’s just been since August last year, that they have returned.
That just sucks. What has your doctor said about this? Has he suggested a different dose or something else?
I have not seen him in over a year, so he is not aware of my ongoing battle with mental health.
Wow. Usually for mental health in the USA, people see their doctor more frequently. We both know you don’t want to live like this and that your brain wants to die and then doesn’t want to die so since part of your brain is fighting to live, it makes sense you can ask one of your parents to make an appointment. Your doctor is a good place to start. You can ask about whether you might need to go up in medication. And you can ask about ketamine and if it’s in Scotland. (I am curious if it is available there because I don’t know.)
I was due to see my GP for a review of my medication in June 2020, but at that point, I didn’t feel that it was needed. As for asking one of my parents to make an appointment, that’s just not an option, neither is going to see my GP.
Can you call for that GP appointment now?
No, as they are now closed for the weekend, I won’t be able to call them to make an appointment until Monday now.
So you can call on Monday. I know it’s not now but you have endured so far. Will you call on that day for an appointment?
Probably not, don’t see much point.
Just ask yourself if it will help wouldn’t it be worth it? I won’t force it though. I just think it’s worth a shot. But I hope you think about it.
I feel the same as you. My brain want to die but my heart is scared because of my kids. I’ve struggled for years after my husband wanted to cheat on me with prostitute. I’m stuck in a house full of kids while my husband works away from home for months. I have told my parents and husband that I don’t want to live anymore. They just tell me I’m crazy and need help. They put me on Sertraline also to fix and then my grandma died the only ones that truly loved me and I could trust died. I feel so alone. A year later my grandpa died. I am not the same. I just want to be with them. Everytime I try I punk out
They took me off sertraline and put me on a mood stabilizer. I cry all day in the corner of my room Last time I tried to get help they took my kids from me. I’m so scared to get help now
The only thing that makes me happy is talking about my native tribe. I’m Osage I’m suppose to be a Thunderbird. Courage ,power and strength
Plus I think I would disappoint my ancestor and my grandmother that is gone. I feel like my kids would be better off with a better mom.
Cheyenne I hope your still around. Im 45 and I can tell you I would die all over again if something happen to my babies. Im fighting a battle but I can tell you my life wasn’t always like this. I was happy at one time.
Valerie. I am so sorry that you are in endless childcare. It is really hard not to get a break or some relief. And all that grief and loss over people you card about and who cared about you. I am so sorry. That’s a lot of loss all ar once at a time when you could use that love and supportCheyenne is still with us. And I feel sure she will also respond to you. You mentioned that you were happy at one time. Can you tell me more about that?
There’s nothing to think about, last time I did speak to my GP, he said that under no circumstances, would he be increasing my medication to 200mg, as not one of his clients who is on Sertraline is on the highest dosage, my mum said to me yesterday that she doesn’t think my medication works anymore and that I should go see my doctor, but I tried explaining to her that it would just be pointless as we both know that he won’t increase my dosage, so what’s the point?
I am not a doctor so I don’t know but I would assume there are other strategies to take. So sometimes they switch the meds and sometimes they can add just a touch of something, even if it’s off-label, to help it work better. Your mom is encouraging you to go to the doctor. I do not think it’s pointless. I care a lot about your well-being. And what could it hurt? Maybe we can make a list of pros and cons? Do you want to do that?
What my mum doesn’t understand is that medication, while it manages my Anxiety & OCD to a certain extent, is not a cure for my Autism, it’s like she thinks that because I am on medication, that everything just goes away, it doesn’t.
Do u you know this is what she thinks? Or are you assuming that? I am only asking because I used to make assumptions all the time and I turned out to be wrong most of the time. So I either ask or I just look at he facts. It’s actually a DBT skill. I would find that out later. Anyway what is the worst that can happen by going back to the doctor? You have said you would rather not live this way. We are both aware of the alternative and it will still be there. But wouldn’t you want to exhaust all options before taking that final step? A lot to think about. And I like you just the way you are. My son worked for a guy who lived with autism. It was one of his favorite clients. You know why? Because the guy was so straightforward. He said what he liked or didn’t like (my son is a film editor) and my son never had to figure out what they wanted. This guys was so direct and he said it made things so much easier.
I can no longer live in a society, where I am not normal or accepted by the majority of this world. I didn’t decide one day that I wanted to be ridiculed for simply being me – autistic & attracted to women.
I don’t find that odd or unusual, Cheyenne. I feel your despair. And if you end your life instead of going to the doctor, that is not an event I can prevent nor intervene. It is up to you to make that decision. I am answering you, listening to you, and responding because I think what you have to offer is special. I was always unusual. Not autistic or queer but definitely different. I have learned to embrace it and see that as special and unique to me. At your age, no one loved my boldness. Accepting myself came with some effort. All I can do is hope that you will make that effort. But no matter what you do, as long as you are alive and talking to me, I’m going to respond and respect your space, your disability (if we call it that), and your gender identity. You can say what’s bothering you. I am not here to judge. Ever.
What other choice do I have? Because we both know that there’s nothing that can be done to help me.
That’s where we are completely different, your normal, I’m not or at least that’s how neurotypical people make us feel. To this day I still feel like there is a lot that my mum and dad, still don’t understand about Autism or the way it affects me, that’s why I write about it, not to get sympathy, not because I feel sorry for myself, because I am trying to raise awareness and understanding of a condition that’s misunderstood and stigmatised.
I am not “normal.” I don’t live with autism though. Your post on “autism speaks” is lovely. Thanks for putting yourself out there. It takes a lot of courage
What exactly makes you think your not normal? Yes, you lost your son to suicide but you are not the only one to have lost a loved one in this traumatic way – you are not alone! I will never be “normal” I will forever be broken & viewed as something that needs fixing, rather than someone who needs to be accepted just as they are.
I just never fit in any particular group until finally I just accepted that i wasn’t part of a group and didn’t fit norms. But let’s not talk about me. I want you to know the reason I think there is hope for you. And I don’t know if I should say it but I will. I have had this page up for about 5.5 years now. And so many came to this page that long ago and are now finding me again and telling me although it was really awful for a long time that they somehow worked through it and found their people and found hope in that process. And even ones who struggled for decades or from very young. So I know and see what’s possible. And I do t expect you to see that right now or see it in yourself. But I want you to know that’s why I feel like you have a chance. That part of you that fights for life is not giving up easily. That illustrates a really strong will yo live even in the face of wanting to die. I think you have a greater purpose. I am not sure what it is but it could quite possibly be to fight for others who live with autism. You are good at educating people. Your fb post was simple and straightforward. But like I said. I have no control over what you do or the power to talk you out of anything. But I see traits in you I do t see in everyone else. I think that’s pretty cool.
Emotionally: I’m DONE
Mentally: I’m DRAINED
Spiritually: I feel DEAD
Psychically: I SMILE
You sound really in despair tonight. Did something specific trigger you today? I’m so sorry Cheyenne. I hear you saying your hope is drained. I’m listening. And still my facebook page is here. https://www.facebook.com/annemossrogers But no matter where you post, I’m listening. I’ll answer.
I feel TRAPPED & like there is NO escaping the pain I’m in, than to end my life…I just WANT to close my eyes & go to sleep FOREVER…I WANT the pain to END!!! 😭💔
That has to feel so awful. I am so sorry this hurts so much so often. I am grateful you are talking to me. I can’t fix but I can listen and respond.
I’m sorry Anne, I just can’t do this anymore, it hurts too much 😢💔
All I can do is help you save yourself when you want that, listen and respond, or encourage you to talk to your parents. But I can’t stop you or make you do any of that. It will hurt when I don’t hear from you. I know that. Your parents will struggle, too. But I also have to accept it because I can’t control another human. All I can do is the best I can do. You are a special young lady.
PLEASE help me, make it STOP! 😫💔
So a therapist friend of mine suggested these tips and they did work. It didn’t make everything perfect by any stretch but it moved me from suffering a lot to suffering less and eventually to healing. And some of these I added and these are my coping strategies. They worked for me.
And only since you asked. These have worked for others here, too. They’ve returned years later and said that it just helped them get out of the neverending cycle of hurt.
Step 1 – I put my face in bowl of cold water for 30 seconds, twice. It will jump start your brain out of that cycle. Eventually, since it was cold that winter I would instead go outside and run in the freezing cold weather (it was 12 degrees that winter which is cold in virginia). The extreme exercise in the extreme cold did offer relief. It helped me manage and lessen the pain. It was not a miracle but it did provide relief. Excercise, extreme in my case, works well for me. I call them angry hikes and I pick the steepest hill on days when I want to implode.
Step 2 – I was to think of one thing I was grateful for and force myself to notice one thing that was good in my life or beautiful. I sucked at this at first. But what happens is our brains get stuck seeing only negative and the brain needs to be retrained to see positive. I did this religiously every day (even though it was the last f*cking thing I wanted to do. THE LAST.) But I made myself and started by saying, “Just put your feet on the floor…..” I would go look at the river near us and stare and take in the beauty of it. And tell myself one thing I was grateful for. It was HARD. But slowly it started to work and allowed a peek of something good to slip in. And eventually I could see things in front of my face that I had blocked before.
Step 3- I joined a support group for other suicide loss survivors. This had helped me before when I joined families anonymous to understand my son’s drug use. Increasing your connections is a known factor for helping prevent suicide and work through extreme pain. I was in AGONY. So NAMI has a peer to peer support group in most areas. Being with others in the same pain helped so much. Those relationships? I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world. https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI/Affiliate/Programs?classkey=a1x36000003TN9SAAW
Step 4- Write. That’s why I have two books, 100 articles, and over three thousand blog posts on this site.
I will also link to what helped Desmond who is now 23 years old who felt as you do. Anna Weider a writer here suffered as you did for decades and is doing well finally. (She was sexually abused by a family member.) https://annemoss.com/2021/01/01/concrete-strategies-that-helped-me-work-through-my-teen-depression/
It was HELL times one thousand after losing Charles. But today I am better. I did get support. I did try and re-try things with a different attitude. Once I decided it would work, it did work. I still hurt but I have a whole toolbox of coping strategies and it has softened over time. I believed it would work. I believed I would get better. I did NOT numb pain. Once I worked through all this plus a brain tumor I feel like I can do anything. It has made me stronger. Not perfect. I do relapse but I know find my support, use my tools. I hope that helps if you are willing.
And I still can’t answer your message on FB which is making me so ill. I looked for the friend request and cannot find it. I promise I tried. If you are member of any other social media, let me know. We can try there.
Hi Anne,
When I think back on some of the coping strategies, I was given by CAMHS in managing my self-harm, I NEVER gave it a second thought that they could potentially do the same for my suicidal thoughts. Down below is a list of some of the coping strategies that have worked for me in the past & I am WILLING to try to help keep the suicidal thoughts at bay.
– Blowing bubbles
– Popping bubble wrap
– Squeezing ice cubes
– Taking a shower
If there is any others you can think of that could help, I would love for you to share them with me ❤️
I would also appreciate it if you could help me to put together a Safety Plan sometime, if that’s ok? Given my history of suicide attempts, I was surprised that one wasn’t put in place, after my 1st attempt age 13, had it been, I might not have continued to attempt, I know that it’s something I could do on my own but whenever I’ve tried, I’ve never been in the right frame of mind, with that said, if all fails, I honestly see no other choice but to end my life.
Well given that you have some doubts about suicide, we might as well give that safety plan a try. I’d be honored to work on this with you. I have your email in the admin panel. No one else can see it but me. So I’ll send you an email and we’ll work through it. (I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before.) I love your coping strategies especially the bubble wrap. I love that stuff. I can share a list of what many people have sent and you can choose what works for you. How does that sound?
Sounds like a plan, just let me know when would suit you.
I sent you an email last night? (Last night my time EST Virginia) Did you get it?
No, I will check my inbox now.
Hi Anne,
Thanks for your e-mail, I’ve had a read through what you have said and felt that it was important to mention that one of the struggles I face due to my autism, is difficulty processing language, whether that be spoken or written, so while I have acknowledged your e-mail, I am sorry to say that nothing you said made any sense, it’s very important that you understand, that when writing to me, that you don’t use any big words and explain things in the most simplest way that my brain can understand what’s being said.
Thanks for explaining that. I will resend using simpler language. You are worth it.
Thanks Anne! ❤️
I sent you an email. Look for it. And reply to it please.
Hi Anne,
I have replied to your e-mail & completed the 1st part of the safety plan.
Got it. And replied a few minutes ago. So I am looking for what happens before you have those thoughts. I sent more questions. 🙂 This takes time. And I am patient because this is important.
Hi Anne,
Just saw your e-mail, hopefully I’ll be able to add to my list of coping strategies & I’ll get those to you tonight ( it’s currently 12:01AM here in Scotland) but I’m in a really dark place at the moment, so please bare with me.
I am sorry it’s bad. I’m here. We’re going to work through this. I will answer.
What’s the point of living when I’m already dead inside? I’ve been suffering for far too long, well not anymore, I’m DONE! I’ve accepted that peace is something I’m just not going to get here on earth.
Let me know how you are today Cheyenne. No matter how bad it gets. I am here to listen–here to help.
That’s the thing, I wanted to say this to you before but I didn’t want to hurt you but – you CANT help me, NO ONE CAN! They say that the ONLY one who can help you is yourself BUT I just DON’T have the fight to, NEVER have, I would much rather if you can help anyone it is someone who can be helped instead of someone who’s a lost cause.
I know you don’t want to hurt me. But I’m invested in our process of working on the safety plan because you asked for it. That means there is doubt about suicide. You are still here so it cannot hurt to create it. Healthy Coping strategies was the next section. I will resend.
Ok, let’s give it another try.
Do you want me to resend the email or you can post more coping strategies here? Either way. I know you get hit by darkness. But I am here. Still here.
No need, I sent you an email earlier.
I got it and just replied.
Hi Anne, I’ve sent you an email, could you please reply
Sorry. tied up today with a deadline and I’ve had everything off. I will shortly!
Hi i am feeling the same . Im in despair and feel so alone . Going through a divorce after 22yrs of marraige and i am a lost soul. I need major help to turn this around.
Nigel I am so sorry. That is so heartbreaking and emotionally devastating. And after so many years together. Tell me more about how you are feeling and what it’s like to get through each day so far. Because it sounds like you are just making it through each day. If you respond, I will listen. I will answer.
i feel like i might as well , what’s the point . i do nothing but cause a issue , i just don’t want it to hurt.
I’m sorry the despair and suicidality is so bad. Do you feel that way for a period of time? If that’s the case, how long do your episodes last? Thank you for commenting here. I’m really honored you did.
Hi Anne,
When I was 13, I was referred to CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services) I was self-harming, felt depressed and had attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers. Despite being equipped with the coping skills to manage my self-harm, I didn’t stop until November 15th 2018, 2 months after my GP put me on Sertraline. Over the years, I have been referred to Psychology, Psychiatry, CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) and CATT (Crisis Assessment Treatment Team) I have been admitted to A&E countless times for trying to put an end to my pain and had the police on our doorstep during the early hours of the morning to conduct a welfare check, because they had received reports from ChildLine etc.) with concerns that I was going to take my own life. At 22, I have attempted suicide more then 20 times, with my most recent attempt in September and although I have not self-harmed in nearly 3 years, suicidal thoughts continue to be a daily battle for me, as they have been for the last 9 years.
Cheyenne- I’m so deeply sorry you suffer from chronic suicidality. I cannot even pretend to understand your pain but admire your perseverance. Thank you for sharing how you moved away from self-harm. I’ve not heard of that medication.
I’m grateful you told your story here. Your truth. Your pain. If you reply, I will answer. Let me know how I might help.
Hi Anne – I find it hard to breathe because the air suffocates me daily and I just can’t stay here anymore, the more I try to convince myself to hold on a little longer, I die a bit more inside. The pain is overwhelming, I’m just so tired, exhausted actually, not in the sense that I want to go to sleep, sleep won’t help with this kind of tired, sleep won’t take away this kind of pain, I just need it to stop, I need it to go away forever 😭💔
You sound worn out. I feel it in your words.
Through all those attempts you are still here so your survivor mode, which is a natural instinct, must have kicked in at some point and interrupted your dying by suicide. Those who are driven to suicide in their pain have often told me there is something that makes them ambivalent about dying. Do you know what that thing or those things are for you? A pet, a family member? Fear of disability?
Thank you for engaging in this conversation, Cheyenne. It’s appreciated.
Exactly! – there’s a quote that goes “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die” and that’s something I can relate to so much, I wake up in the morning and wish I hadn’t, I close my eyes at night hoping it’ll be the last time..It’s not like I want to end my life, like when I’m actively suicidal, but I don’t want to live and no matter how hard I try to push these thoughts out of my mind, they just won’t go away.
That’s exactly how a lot of people describe it. I’m copying what you said because so many want to understand it and you put it so concisely there. And I want people to understand it’s not a “choice” but something you are driven to and worn down from.
So when the thoughts of Charles’s death would invade first thing in the morning when I got up, I just crumpled to the floor in a fetal position at first. I just let the pain in and kept chanting, “I will survive,” and, “this pain means I’m healing,” over and over. Somtimes, I’d say “I love you Charles,” and “it hurts this much to lose you because I love you so much.” I knew the really intense feeling would lift in about 60-90 seconds. But I didn’t push them away because when I did that, they would come back at me like a boomerang on steroids. And when the intense pain lifted, I got up to try to get ahead of it and went outside. So while I have not struggled with suicidality, that’s the only comparison I have. And it is a sort of depression even if it is grief depression. It’s very heavy. And a part of me had died but it woke up another part of me that had never been there.
So I’m guessing no medication has really worked to help quiet your thoughts? Tell me about that if you would. And thank you again. This is so helpful.
The medication I am on is called Sertraline, it is a type of antidepressant known as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) I am on 150mg and have been on it since September 2018, as a direct result, I no longer have the thoughts or urge to self-harm but despite this, my suicidal thoughts have never gone away and only got worse. Your probably curious as to how I ended up here but I’m sure you know that like most, I ended up here purely because I was doing exactly that – looking up how to hang myself.
So the SSRI isn’t blocking the suicidal thoughts. That sucks.
And I figured you landed here from a search. Most do.
Those who have chronic suicidality often tell me there is something or someone that makes them hesitant about dying. Do you know what that thing or those things are for you? A pet, a family member? Fear of disability?
Yes – I know this is probably going to sound silly but on the 6th February 2017, I was sent a JellyCat Cordy Roy Fox by a lovely couple I met on a FB group for those with Autism of which the husband had Asperger’s Syndrome (a mild form of autism) I named him Finley and well Anne…he’s my BEST friend in the whole world, we have been through absolutely everything together, having Autism myself as well as Moderate Learning Disabilities, Social, Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties, Anxiety and OCD, It was nice to know that there were people out there who understood just how IMPORTANT it was to have something that brings you comfort, in a world that you find so hard to make sense of and I will forever be grateful to them both ❤️
I had to look up “JellyCat Cordy Roy Fox.” And I work with an organization for youth with autism and they’ve opened an amazing new school in Virginia. They are all about helping those kids make the most of their lives and abililties and seeing their gifts. Because you know you have them right? But the social part is so hard. That is so sweet. I’m going to send one to someone at some point, too. That’s a great idea. I will give you credit. Thank you for telling me about this couple. And the Cordy Fox. 🙂
You see – he was a match made in heaven as I absolutely love Foxes!
Since I received my Autism diagnosis, I’ve struggled to accept that this is part of who I am, on top of this I also identify within the LGBT community and I’ve always felt like I was broken and needed fixed.
I know you don’t know me and it doesn’t mean much but I accept you just the way you are. There is a group called Trevor project and they have a private forum for conversation. But as a young person you have a lot to work through. Autism alone is so isolating socially. But I do like that you made friends with that couple. Because I would think (and you can correct me if I am wrong) that it shows you that you can have a future. I am amazed at what you have gone through. Your story is so powerful. If you ever wanted yo write something about LGBTQ and autism and it’s connection to suicide to submit to this blog I can send you a link. And if we run in of reply space you can start a new comment. I really appreciate your authenticity.
Thank you Anne, I want to make it absolutely clear that while I have her husband on FB, we are never in touch with each other, secondly that just because someone with autism has friends doesn’t show what the future holds for them.
I got you Cheyene. I think I went all Polly positive on you for a moment there. Not fair on my part and I am sorry I did that. I need to continue to meet you where you are and just accept that you are in pain.
Having worked with those who live with autism, I have seen how hard it is to make friends, get invited to events, and so on. Do you know others who live with Autism? Like a group or anything? I actually do not know of a group but I think maybe I need to check that out. Michael, who lives with autism, wrote this and gave me permission to share it. He is very religious and that’s what worked for him but maybe there are parts of this you can relate to even if there are parts you cannot. But the part about autism, the depression and the fact that he suffered from thoughts of suicide since he was 12 reminded me. https://annemoss.com/2017/05/22/suffering-suicidal-thoughts-since-age-12/
Hi Anne – Don’t worry about it, you were only trying to help and I didn’t respond very kindly to you before – for that I am deeply sorry.
No worries. How have you been today compared to when you can here a few days ago?
Still determined as ever to end my life.
So not feeling great. I just wanted to check in. I’m here, OK. Flying tomorrow to Utah but I will asnwer on my phone.
If I could turn these thoughts off like a switch – I would.
I’m tired of everything – trying, hoping, not coping, breathing, living, existing – I don’t want to hurt anymore and the only way that I can see out, is if I end my life 😭💔
I know you would. And I do hear how some do it but it’s definitely not a one size fits all. My friend Frank King says “it’s always on the menu.” That’s why I have books and podcasts o. The page because I sure don’t know. Was there a time in your life when you got a break from suicidal thoughts?
Sadly not, they are ALWAYS there 😢💔
I have heard of that. I hate that you live with this. I wish science could offer more insight, more solutions. What do you think you were meant to accomplish? I wonder that about myself all the time so I hope you are ok that I am asking you.
I’ve never wanted anything from life, the only thing I’ve always known was that one day I was going to successfully complete suicide and I am just as determined as ever, if not more to achieve that outcome.
How does your family react to all of this? And this is not a judgement question at all. I can’t pass judgement on something I have never lived with.
While my mum and dad are aware of my past issues with mental health, they aren’t aware of what has been going on for the last 14 months.
OK. Any specific reason(s) you have not told them? Again, I’m not going to suggest or shame or anything else. It just helps me to understand. You are lovely to put up with and answer all these questions.
Hi Anne – I have messaged you on Facebook, while I am ok to chat here, I was hoping to discuss some things privately with you – hope this is ok?
Sure. I don’t see it though. So message me here (link below) and I will reply with my email and my FB personal page. https://annemoss.com/contact-2/
Have you checked your message requests? As normally that’s where they go when it’s someone that’s not a friend on your Facebook.
Yes. I checked for my page and for my personal profile.
Hi Anne – sorry it has took me so long to reply, how are you?
Just got back from a suicide prevention conference where I spoke. So I did an exercise and asked people to post on a post it note what struggles they were having. And wow. What a response. It just goes to show you how many people struggle with something.
I just got your message and it won’t allow me to reply now. So send me a friend request: https://www.facebook.com/annemossrogers/
you are the problem. if there is any justice anywhere you will go to hell; masquerading and tricking people you are typical of the life forms that inhabit this universe.
no doubt nothing i could communicate would convince your prejudiced mind of your actually low morals.
in fact i’m sure that most of the greatest evils have been done for the good in the perpertraitors mind. LOL what it must be like to be that corrupt and not know it, surely bliss
I take it on the chin Jackobyte. I try to see things from all perspectives and by posting here you’ve allowed me to see yours and how others might perceive me when they come to this page. This page does not provide instructions to end one’s life but rather resources. And if that’s not what you are looking for and your brain pain is really bad, I wouldn’t expect you to be all toxic positive about that. No matter how you feel about me, I’m sorry you feel like suicide.
My life is the worst, sure people have had worse experience than me but what im saying is, ive beem cutting myself lately and have tried on numerous occasions to kill myself, but i just cant do it, im 13 and school is just the worst my’pic’ was leaked recently and ever since ive been bullies and yes it is my fault that i sent it but in other words i sent it because they said ‘i like you’ and me being me i was full of adrenaline and because no one ever liked me before i was full of shock and sent it but sure enough my stupid ass was dumb enough to know it was one of my ‘old friends’ and sure enough it eas sent everwhere and just before writing this i tried killing myself and i feel like crap everyday knowing whats gonna happen tomorrow.
Oh Mikey, I’m so sorry someone would abuse your trust and do something so cruel. How painful that must be for you. I know the cutting is a coping strategy. Not a healthy one of course. But do you have any healthy coping strategies like hiking outside or something? I hurt for you so much. I know this was humiliating. Do you have anyone to talk to? And I will answer if you respond. I’m honored you shared here.
I was 9 years old when I first started to wonder how the world would be without me and how better off I would be without the world. Time passed and on my 10th birthday I was so frustrated I was struggling so internal with my mental health I made a vow I will commit this crime on myself on my 18th birthday and I continue to my life with that intention in mind. I couldn’t find in myself to let anyone in, 3 years passed till I was reading my suicide letter in the middle of class, just looking down at it crying till I got it token away and I cried harder than the guidance counselor came, first time out of dozens of time going to an inpatient care unit. I pushed everyone away because I couldn’t find in my heart to have people be attached to the idea of me just for me to erupt-fully leave on that specific birthday. Years and years have passed, I’m turning 20 in less than a week. Still fighting these urges. But the ironic part is, I have hope even when my irrational mind constantly fights with my will to live. It’s exhausting but I know I want to thrive, not just survive. It hurts a lot I’ve gone so long without close connections and now I deeply struggle to create relationships, but I try my hardest.
What a survivor you are. And to think you have struggled for decades without really sharing with anyone. I am so honored you shared here. I feel honored personally. Do you think a lifetime of pushing people away has made it difficult for you to establish close relationships now? I only ask based on what you have written and please correct anything that is not correct because I want to understand.
I had been feeling really bad for a few days and while the house was empty today I tried to seize the opportunity to end my life. I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom with a camping stove running on its highest setting. An hour later, nothing and absolutely no signs of CO poisoning (no headache or dizziness and no loss of consciousness). Considering how hot it was today, I was more likely to sweat to death. It turns out the ‘butane’ does not give off dangerous levels of CO and so that was yet another thing I could not get right. I guess it was a bit amusing looking back on it now, sat there for over an hour just sweating while a relatively safe gas burns away.
So I am reading along and your comment, “I was more likely to sweat to death,” made me hiccup and then laugh. Rarely does that happen on this thread. Your dry humor in this whole story does come through. I don’t even know how you have been able to do that but you did. How are you feeling now? Because it appears you decided if one thing didn’t work you’d go to another. And I do have to ask you. Do you take what has happened as a sign?
I am at the moment feeling frustrated that what I thought was a perfect method was a complete failure. Somebody once said that if you think it is hard to be born into the world then it is a 100 times harder to leave the world. I am like everybody and just wish for a single magic pill where I could fall asleep and that would be it. Today just proved that I am not very good at chemistry. There probably was a sign when I tried to take my life a few years ago. I owned a Vauxhall Cavalier at the time that had always proven to be reliable. One day I took it to my favourite place overlooking the sea along with a long length of hose and sat there for a while before I decided to make a start. When I felt ready, the car absolutely refused to start. I have refused to buy another Vauxhall made car every again but since then they introduced catalytic converters on all cars and so that method is out of the question now anyway.
I have noticed that people who live with suicidal thoughts contemplate “how” a lot. That must be…I’m not sure how to describe it–confusing and desparaging? That’s not exactly right. I’m sorry it’s that bad. Do you live with anyone?
How do you know you will go through with it? I woke up at 3am crying the other night and all I could think about was wanting to end my life. I ended up here like everyone else because I googled a method to do that. I’m actually putting thought in the best way to do it so my family doesn’t have to clean up a mess. I don’t know why I feel so much pain….but I do know I want it to end.
Raquel- Was there anything specific that triggered your brain pain? A last straw so to speak. I’m so sorry you are suffering in this way and I will answer.
I just feel alone. I went through a bad split about two years ago with someone I was with for almost 20 years. He’s a narcissist to say the least and loves to flaunt how happy is he in my face every chance he gets. I finally decided to start dating again last year with someone I was friends with for about 15 years. In May he was murdered. I thought I was doing okay. Going to therapy and just trying to heal. I just feel hopeless. I don’t feel like I have much of a purpose. Financially I’m on the brink of bankruptcy. It just feels like the world is closing in on me and I just don’t want to be here anymore.
Raquel- I work with grieving people all the time. And it’s not unusual to feel like suicide when you’ve lost someone. My gosh you have a lot going on. I totally understand your despair and I am so sorry your partner was murdered. That’s a brutal loss. I do understand and have felt intense grief. I thought I would not survive it hurt so much.
I have a question, though. So I see what things have happened in your life to make you feel the hopelessness. What was going on in your life when you were happiest?
To be totally honest, I can’t really recall a time of true happiness.
I can understand why that would be hard to remember with all you have going on. Do you feel 100% committed to the idea of dying or does it kind of waffle back and forth between a lot of pain and wanting to stop it and then later feeling like you don’t want to die? Kind of back and forth. I hope you are ok with these questions. I just want to know what your experience is like.
I don’t have any reason to believe it’ll get anything but worse. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m broken. I feel so worthless and used.
Hk- What happened if I can ask? What makes you feel so broken, tied, worthless and used? I’ll listen. I’ll respond.
Everyone always leaves. I am never enough for anyone. I have been a full time student working on my nursing degree and have 9 months left, I found out I was pregnant in July and when I told my fiancé of 4 years he just left. And here I am today alone miscarrying my sweet baby. My parents aren’t around. No friends. It’s just me and I’m so tired of being so alone and feeling so empty. I just want the pain to stop
No wonder you feel such despair. Well I know it’s not much but I am here. And I hear you. I feel and understand your pain. No human should be left holding all of this alone. It isn’t fair. And I hear that you feel abandoned. I am also honored you shared with me—trust me. Did the “I have had enough” feeling come on all at once or has it been building? I am guessing the bf leaving was the big blow. That’s the reaction everyone dreads. They don’t show that one in the movies.
i was scammed, i came her for help dying not help staying alive. i want to die. life is so stupid. i consent to dying so just let me die. goddamn i lose everything and i cant even kill myself right.
I can understand and appreciate your anger. If I was in as much pain as you are now, I wouldn’t be sweet jolly sunshine either. While I can’t fix your brain pain or offer instructions on how to die, I can listen and I will reply.
$26,000. What is this number you ask? This is the dollar amount that my life is worth. So many people say “Oh you can’t put a price on a life! You’re priceless!” I assure you, they are wrong. In my state and area, the average cost for a funeral, completely covered in all ways possible, is $26,000.
What does this mean? I will be open and honest. This means that once I have saved $26k, I can finally be free of this world. I see no point in existing further. I have no parents left, no siblings, no wife or children. I work a job that, let’s be real, is meaningless. More defined, my position can easily be filled by another, and the work done truly has no great impact on the daily lives of any one person.
With nothing to live for that has any real meaning, what is the point in continuing? To continue working a full job, just to maintain a drab lifestyle to eventually retire, sit at home and wait to pass? I truly have no hobbies I enjoy, for most everything costs so much money, that I simply do not have. I have no “real” friends or people I spend time with or converse with, other than co-workers during the normal workday.
Why should one continue to live such a life that brings them no joy, and only inflicts furthered pain, suffering, and loneliness each and every moment? My reasoning for continuing on is to reach that $26k in savings. If I can reach that, I will truly no longer be a burden, as I will be able to afford my own funeral, instead of making the state pick up that cost.
And I’m only $14,300 off of my goal. Freedom. Bless you all, and may no one ever feel the emptiness I feel, may you all be loved and cared for.
Man Broken Soul. You were so good at expressing your pain I feel it in my bones. Was there anything in particular that triggered all this? Or is it something that has been happening over a long period of time? If you don’t mind my asking.
What I have realized is, the precipice of this realization started in June of 2020. I lost my job, the career I have worked so hard for, for so many years. The very people I was closest to, were the ones who turned their back on me and caused so many problems at my job, my employer terminated me. Certainly I am upset by this. What it has made me realize though is, over 90 percent of the issues I mentioned before, have been building up for years, I just never realized it. I never realized it because the job I had, what one could consider a “dream career”, or job that you have wanted for many many years, a job that was meaningful, was a position of prestige and professionalism, a position of admiration and respect, and that directly benefited so many people daily. The traumatic loss of that position, and the ridicule and torment that has followed, has also been a beacon of light, showing just how many demons have been hiding in the closet waiting to come out. Losing my entire sense of self worth, my entire support system, and realizing I will never again be in a position of dignity either professionally or personally, has led me to where I am today. I am not in anger, nor am I under any great emotional distress. I have accepted my new position in life, however it is not something I wish to continue to bear the burden of. Many so called friends have given the advice of “you just need to set new goals!”, and I agree, and have done just that, a goal of $26,000 to free myself and be at peace with that decision
What a devastating loss that has been. It’s like you are grieving the loss of this job, and the identity and connections that went with it. That’s what it sounds like from my perspective. And then you felt that imposter syndrome—like it was all fake to begin with because of all these demons that you’d ignored. And it just all collapsed at once, it crushed you as a human. Have I got that right? You are very articulate in your communication by the way. I am guessing that is a trait you developed in this job?
i just wanna say im sorry about your son. im sure he loved you so very much. i miss my dad more than anything. and i know if he were here i wouldn’t be feeling this way and thats what hurts the most. unfortunately i think my time has come. i want to be with him. more than anything. this thing we call life isn’t for everyone.. i have slowly come to realize that.
Grief is brutal trigger for suicide. Gray, someone who has written on this site, said she felt obligated to live until finally she wanted to live again. And I know how much my grief hurt and clearly yours does too. I am so very sorry about your dad. Your note speaks volumes about how much he meant to you and still does. I am sure others in your family are also feeling sadness. Do you have other family members?
My family would be better off without me
I am so sorry you feel so awful. Please tell me more of your story.
You should change the title of this article.
What do you think it should be?
Im sorry about your son but this video is not helping me at all
I see you other comments and I will answer those, too.
It’s currently 8:37pm my parents are downstairs And my brother is in his room, I’m sitting here planning on how tomorrow I will kill my self. I came across this site in an effort to help me. I’m 23 and have had over 14 suicide attempts. I’ve been raped by 3 people, beaten most of my life, suffered from anorexia, bulimia and drug and alcohol addictions. I’ve been self harming since I was 9. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, really I don’t. I’m crying so much right now that the words look blurry. But right now I’m in so much pain that I truly don’t see a way out. I’ve tried every type of therapy from Cbt to EMDR nothing helps long term, I’ve had 24 hospital admissions and again nothing helps long term. I’m sick of this pain. I physically can’t take this anymore
Jas. I hear you. I am in disbelief over what you have endured. Since you were 9! And raped three times? How does someone do that to another human in the first place? Damn. I am crying with you. When was the first time you first thought about suicide?
I had my first proper suicide attempt at 13, (that was when I was first raped) but I was having suicidal thoughts at age 10.
Also I forgot to add by suicidal at age 10, I was trying methods to kill myself but don’t really count them as attempts I count my first one from when I was 13
Hi Jas – I know exactly what it’s like to struggle with your mental health. When I was 13, I was referred to CAMHS (Children & Adolescent Mental Health Services) after it was discovered that I was self-harming, felt depressed & had attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers. Over the next 4 years, I continued to attend CAMHS but despite being equipped with the coping skills to manage my self-harm, I didn’t stop until the 15th November 2018, 2 months after my GP put me on Sertraline. Over the years, I have been referred to Psychology, Psychiatry, CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) & CATT (Crisis Assessment Treatment Team) I have been admitted to A&E more than 10 times for trying to put an end to my pain & had police on our doorstep during the early hours of the morning to conduct a welfare check, because they had received reports from ChildLine etc.) with concerns that I was going to take my own life. I’m 22 now have had over 20 suicide attempts, with my most recent in September & although I have not self-harmed in nearly 3 years, suicidal thoughts continue to be a daily battle for me, as they have been for the last 9 years.
A & G there is a good chance you will meet your loved one again and they will be happy in eternal live. God bless you all.
Hey Jon. I’m guessing you didn’t come to this page by coincidence.
I am so sorry about your son. I’ve been on this site before but I never said anything, I just scrolled through. I’m 33 female, but my first attempt was when I was 7. I grew up in a very volatile household and because I couldn’t safely be honest it has affected my relationships but even though I’m self aware and have tried multiple therapists and medications nothing changes. Nothing important does. I will continue to push the friends I love away, unintentionally, I will always be labeled crazy. The ones who don’t care or are malicious will either get sick of me or use me and the ones who do care will be hurt by me. I’m so tired.
I don’t even have the time for therapy. I work a job I need to survive but drains me and I am studying for a degree I can’t stand. I lost multiple friends including the person I thought I loved this past year. I ended things with someone even more toxic than me. I lost a dear loved one recently. My health is worsening and I worry that I won’t be able to get the treatment I need but the medical stuff is just another time constraint but the chronic pain is draining. I can’t even talk to people without a mask because I have issues and am disgusting to look at. I’m exhausted and defeated. I don’t see an end to it. It’s not so much that I want to die, but what exactly do I have to look forward to? I am lonely and alone and have no meaning in what I do. I can’t tell my friends and I definitely can’t tell my parents. But saying this helped some. Regardless of my choice as I am more ambivalent about it at this time I can appreciate what you’re doing. Thank you.
Thank you for being your authentic self although I feel you have a distorted view of yourself based on your trauma history. I find that self hatred to be the case in those who live with depression and trauma. And I also hear from other the confusion of ambivalence during and after suicidal episodes. That has to be so confusing and unsettling for lack of a better phrase. My neighbor and friend Chris Carlton suffered sexual abuse as a child and what finally worked for him was EMDR. Not to try and fix because I can’t do that but he writes about that in his book, Nice to Meet Me by Chris Carlton. I am honored you posted a comment here. Thank you for your trust. I can’t fix but I can and will reply.
My view of myself is distorted, but at the same time I have to wonder does it matter if it is when I’m still alone? I’m sorry for what your friend went through. If I somehow decide to live, and I don’t think I will, I might look into that type of therapy and book. It doesn’t help that I still have to carry a charade with one of the two people who abused me. And while theirs wasn’t the worst of it, it was the most constant and ongoing, and they are completely in denial of everything. A life where they are one of the only people “close” to me who will stick with me isn’t a life worth living and just cements the fact i deserve to be alone. I haven’t gotten a break from the want to die. I wrote all my notes and affairs. I could barely function at work. So I don’t know.
Fair enough. I’m just honored you read the comment and are even considering it. I’m so very sorry you went through this. It’s so unbelievable a human would take advantage of another, more vulnerable, child in that way. How you must have wrestled with it somehow being your fault and the affect it had on your own self esteem. All of that is not your fault. It wasn’t theirs to take from you. We had a suicide coalition meeting today and the founder of Robin’s Hope has a group that deals with childhood sexual abuse and what they do as a group to heal. It was eye opening hearing her stories. I didn’t say much. Just listened. And I thought about you while listening to the stories.
Hello Ceres,
This message is especially for you. I’m really sorry that you are so alone. That sucks. NO, you don’t deserve to be alone. No, you are not disgusting, and no you are not crazy. A little note here: everyone acts a little funny when they feel hopeless, and it become a vicious circle if we don’t act and do something to stop it. I am in a position with my training to tell you that since you are asking for help, you have many good things that you can look forward to. Now I have a couple of degrees here so don’t tune me out yet. You just need to see what the good things are, so you can pick and choose from them. If you read my message to Jas on this site, you will see that you and I have several similarities. I thought I was going crazy, I was desperately alone, and I did not like myself either. Maybe I was ugly, but apparently I got better looking at age 39 when I found a fabulous woman to marry, and I stayed married for 34 years until she recently died. I was an old bachelor until age 39; then it all changed. And it will for you too, if you believe what a person who has been there is telling you. I am 74 now and I am alone too; so don’t think I don’t know how it all feels again. I am picking up the pieces also, but you have what I don’t have, and that is your youth. That is everything. My God girl, you are working on a degree. Do you know what a great thing that is? You have a job. All I can say is wow for you. The first thing I will tell you is don’t let people use you. Respect yourself even if being lonely is painful. You must hold yourself above your problems and bad people, or get buried by them. Lose any losers in your life that could be dragging you down; do it politely but firmly. Get a pet or find a friend from a photography or a dance class if you can. You could try taking a marshal arts class or painting, or whatever you like. Join a club that is not demanding. There is someone out there for everyone. Really at your age it’s all a numbers game for finding a guy. Just make sure the guy is going somewhere with his life. He needs a job, or be in school or a training program. He doesn’t do porn, drugs, or get blasted every night. You don’t need to be his keeper, while you are working on yourself. Taper off on your classes while you are working, to make it easier to get that degree. Getting educated is your lifeline. And from there you can have a better job and so on. Then you can start getting creative with your life. You can go on trips and meet people. You can buy stuff that makes you happy. You can learn to play a little. That is how you work your way to freedom and it will allow you to create your new life. Yes, I said create your new life. If I could do it, anybody can do it. You stop seeing yourself as a victim of your circumstances, and start taking good, productive actions to make your life better in even the smallest ways. Remember that changing your direction in the tiniest way every day now will result in an enormous change later on. This is the truth that I am telling you. It can be no other way; I have proved it with myself, and I am taking action with my own life right now. It is not an end in itself; it is an ongoing process that you practice every day. Constructive action, by repeated constructive action is your way out of this. I don’t know what your classes look like, but if you’re pursuing a Psychology degree like so many women are these days, you could maybe apply those credits towards a Social Services degree to get into a counseling program if that appeals to you. If you are working on another degree, you could. do something similar in another field. Look for some training or internship jobs. Ask around. Sometimes people will hire you with the understanding that you finish your B.A. degree or graduate degree. That worked for me. What I am telling you is to not get boxed in, and to start looking at your problems from the outside of the box, and not from the darkness of the inside where you can’t see any options. I hope this helps you see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I know that it is extremely difficult for you right now, but you still have many years to make your life into a beautiful one. Take it from a person who struggled hard and didn’t think it would ever work, but it did.
Hello Jas,
I just saw your post here and as someone who thought about suicide since I was 14 years old, I thought I might say a couple of things. First off, I really hear you. You have had a rotten gig, and anyone reading your story is not going to argue with you….certainly not me. I have to say though that all the very bad things that happened to you are not you. The very bad things that happened are the bad things that some very bad animals did to you, and it is on their souls that the shame and ugliness rests. They are the garbage of the earth, not you. You have made 14 efforts to destroy yourself over the garbage of this earth. This makes me very angry that some scum of the toilet variety have hurt you so bad that they have caused you to dislike living so much. I am so terribly sorry that you have endured so much, and I can fully understand why you might no longer want to live. Because I understand where you are coming from ( I have been through some pretty bad scenes) I just want you to know that all of what you are telling us is not your fault. No one has a right to harm you in any way. Now I am not going to just leave you out there saying yeah, thats easy for you to say. I think you need a plan, a good plan to not only make you feel better, but to get even for all the crap that you have been through. What destroys people most often is are the feelings of hate and injustice that overcome us when we have been hurt. The best revenge, and I mean big time revenge, that you can possibly get, that anyone can get in life, is to be successful over all that has been done to you. And maybe even tell the world how you did it. Your story can certainly help thousands of other young men and women in similar situations. You can prove that truly mean people suck, and that mean people are losers and failures where you are concerned. Your plan should start with getting yourself away from drugs, alcohol, and other shit that will keep you a slave to your emotions, and perpetuate a further slide down the slope from where you want to be. For right now forget about destroying your precious life and get your head into a I’m going to show them all they can’t hurt me mode. Screw them my friend; they are shit and you know it. You don’t even owe them the right to see you succeed. Let them ferment in the trash that they are. What I know from many long years of going through this, is that they will destroy themselves, either their lives here or eventually their own souls. I went through hell, but I overcame it all. I succeeded in making a good life and adopted three children who came from horrible situations. They are now successful too. And if you listen to me you will get better and eventually turn your whole life into goodness and learn to love who you are.. If you can find a good friend who is not depressed, and preferably of the opposite sex, and if you can stay clean and calm yourself down, you can do this. You could try adding a counselor or clergy person if that appeals to you. But you need to start somewhere, and that somewhere is where you are now, with what you have now. You need to find a way to make money. Working will give you a feeling of self worth. You don’t need to be a brain surgeon; just do any job that you can stay with and continue asking for and getting professional help. One source could be at your local city or town employment agency just to get started. If you don’t like your job, go back there and find another one. Buy some stuff for yourself, some clothes, a camera, nice food treats, books, and whatever else appeals to you. If you need to get out of a bad home life find a friend of two, or put up a card advertising that you want to get out and share a room with no drugs or alcohol. There has to be a truckload of other people your age who want to get out of a bad scene. That’s how I started. I found a starter job and moved out. Things got better, and then better again as I made more changes with the new power I acquired. Now start looking ahead, and stop looking behind you. When people look behind them, they can easily trip over what’s in front of them. What is worse is that you won’t see all the great possibilities that are in front of a young person like yourself. Look, this is not going to be a Yogi Bear picnic at first because you are not feeling power yet. But you will get power from the very first change that you make. And with the next well thought out change, you will get greater and greater power. Cry no more dear person…..take charge with a desire to do good things with your life, and leave the rubble of ugly people to eat their own dust. Print out this letter to you if you can, to remind you of what you need to do. And remember that the state, city, county, and federal government s all have training programs to educate you to perform meaningful, good , and productive work. Work and money will buy you your freedom. You should have enough now to start your engines. God bless you my friend.
I just want to share my own perspective which might give you a better idea of why some of us have no choice but to continue to pursue suicide. I am in my mid-40’s and have been researching suicide methods and trying to get help for 20 years. Over all those years, I have now explored all avenues and overturned every stone and there really is no help available. I live with a condition called misophonia, I have got no future, every single day is hell and there is no cure for the condition. This is something that not only makes my life hell but is also hell for all the people who surround me. Many of us have already desperately tried to get help but there is not any. The sad part is that there are a LOT of people who work in mental health just to take home a large salary at the end of every month and I have met a fair number of these people already. I have just spend another evening researching suicide methods and am currently having another re-think. I really need to just pick one and take a deep breath and get on with it but trying to find somewhere quiet to do it is the real problem for me at the moment.
Adrian. That continuous noise has to really get to you. I am so sorry that you have struggled for such a long time. I am not here to talk you out of it. I don’t have that power. But I do appreciate your sharing your feelings and explaining a condition I knew little about. I can’t say that I know how you feel because I don’t. Do you have family? (This is not a guilt question, by the way)
Anne. Having misophonia has caused lots of problems for me in life and a lot of people have decided that they do not want to be near me. I am near the end of my marriage and so do not really have much of a family left. My parents are no longer here either. I should be at my prime as I work in a job that most could only dream of but it is the poor quality of life itself that is unbearable.
I like to say that suicide cases can be put into one of two categories. The first is the ‘quick decision’ category as when a relationship fails or loved one dies etc. The second is the ‘long consideration’ category and these are the people who have already explored other options and given it as much time as they possibly can for things to hopefully improve but they never do. I fall into this second category. Your work will help those in the first category but unfortunately there is little or no help for me.
Yeah, I’m in the long considering category. I’ve been suicidal since my early 20s and as I get older, I get more serious about it. I’m 38 now and doing my best to wait until my dog who is 13 takes her final breath. Then I’m heading out to the wilderness where I will purposely not drink water or eat. Should only take less than a week to finally experience the end of consciousness I’ve been seeking for the majority of this pointless thing called my life.
I’m sorry, T. That is a long time to be in pain.
Thats interesting you say that about the two categories. I’ve noticed that those who don’t kill themselves fall into two categories.
Life reasons and fear reasons. The latter not meaning that someone is chicken but rather afraid it won’t go well, will be painful or they will be disabled or something like that.
And if the long haulers, those who’ve struggled with suicidality for decades, find one reason to not suicide some shift happens in their attitude. They make a decision to do one thing and then one more. It’s not fast but as someone who has been part of that process it’s well a privilege. In many cases where someone has been dealing with it for decades, hating themselves seems to be at the core driving all the other issues. For example people don’t like them because they don’t love themselves and as a result hard to be around.
Having said all that it is those who have struggled with it the longest who find it the hardest to find a way out. And I have gotten messages from loved ones from this very thread or my YouTube channel that someone I had been speaking with took their life. It’s usually from a shocked relative who was trying to find the “why” and was combing through their emails. But I also get emails from some who will return years later, people I thought would never have made it, and they did. Debbie is on this thread multiple times. She will write me every six months. I thought she would not make it but somehow she did. I have no power and control over any of this. I see my role as someone who cares and listens in what seems like a vast and uncaring world. For some that is enough. For others it is not. You might give up on you. I am just saying that I won’t. Thank you for your commentary. It always helps me to better understand the brain pain called suicidal thinking. I appreciate the conversation given how deep your despair has to be.
Yes you are correct, it is those who carry these feelings for the longest that ultimately take things slower as they feel like they want to get it right first time. Any failed suicide attempt will ultimately end up with a long stay in a psychiatric hospital which makes matters even worse sometimes. They have got to bring the pain to an end but it needs to be the ultimate end and want it to be as painless as possible. The ‘spare of the moment’ suicide people such as when a marriage has just suddenly ended without warning are those who do not really stop and think about methods and consequences.
I do understand the pain of those left behind and that they can keep asking the question ‘why’ for many years afterwards. This is why I am trying to be open about what it is really like to feel like this every single day for their benefit.
I have now seen suicide from both sides. When I was 18 years old I witnessed a suicide myself. It was the very early hours of New Years Day and I was walking home from my then girlfriends house after seeing the New Year in with her. My path home took me across a high footbridge which spanned a deep cut-through with a road at the bottom. As I started to cross the bridge I noticed somebody also start to cross the bridge from the other side. Before they eve got anywhere near me they vaulted over the handrails without even the slightest hesitation. I can still remember the sound they made as they hit the bottom and how the noise echoed in the valley due to the cold night. The hardest part was however having to sit in the coroners court in front of his parents and describe in detail the last few moments of their son’s life. Understandably, they were quite emotional. I also remember the coroner describing how the doctors report determined that he would have still been alive when he hit the bottom. He would have lay in the road paralysed for a while until a car eventually came up the road and around a bend to where he was and hit him and finally killed him. The people in the car were apparently in a very bad way emotionally afterwards.
Sorry it is a long story but hopefully it might help others if they are questioning why after the death of their own loved ones. I would also say to anybody else that if you really must end your life then to be respectful and not to leave others to pick up the pieces afterwards. If I had the money I would sail across the pacific as a means of trying to get away from it all and recover. I would also invite similar recovering suicidal people to join me as my crew. Maybe one day.
Adrian- You have to have been traumatized yourself after witnessing what you did. And it likely put it on the radar as a possibility even then. There is evidence that being exposed raises risk. I love this: “If I had the money I would sail across the pacific as a means of trying to get away from it all and recover. I would also invite similar recovering suicidal people to join me as my crew. Maybe one day.” I wanted to go hide in a cave in Peru when my son was using and became addicted and then come home when everything was resolved and shiny and happy. When you wrote that I so bonded with that feeling although mine came from a different place. What I have found is that working through it all is part of the healing process. It sucked though. But I am better for having gone through it although it would never be a choice. And certainly what happened after paled in comparison. I never knew I could survive pain like that. I’m amazed how you have survived and all you have endured.
Adrian. I also suffer from Misophonia and for as long as I remember I have wanted to die. So much of what you say rings true. I havent told anyone my thoughts for over thirty years.
After two attempts growing up I know my third attempt will be the last. But the reason why I have put it off is because I am so scared that it will not work and I will be left in a worse state that what I am now.
I just wish people understood me but it has taken me a while to understand myself. I do not want help to live but help to die. I just wish we had a place to go and turn off our lights with medical personal who can help us pass peacefully and also arrange disposal of our bodies afterwards so no innocents can get hurt by the mess we leave behind. Thank you for sharing your story
Roza. Thank you for commenting.
Dear Adrian,
I have experienced many deaths including the recent death of my wife of 34 years. I also felt suicidal since I was 14. So I am familiar with both desires to end my life. I ,like you, worked at a good job, forced myself to get degrees, and sought help for a long term, and continuing health problem that I thought was going to kill me. The pain of it seemed unbearable. I just did quite a bit of reading about your condition, because your story really moved me. I see what you are up against, but I am on the outside of your problem looking in, and you are seemingly trapped inside. I have just finished reading other stories like yours and your pain must be tremendous; I am so sorry for your pain, and I am especially affected by the fact that you are so young. I cannot repair what is happening to you any more than I could have fixed my own problem. I can, however, give you some hope. I have been in the field of Neuroscience for 30 years, and I can see that there are researchers at work right now looking at your problem. For almost 40 years no one could fix my problem, and then suddenly out of nowhere researchers found a drug that made my life truly worth living and even relatively wonderful. The general consensus is that your problem is not psychological, although it has some psychological components. It also seems to have some genetic components. If I am right the physical nature of your disease my have in it the design for either a cure or a means of reducing your symptoms by drugs or perhaps surgery at some later time. These things have progressed at a snail’s pace in the past, but since the advent of new sophisticated computers that can perform billions of calculations in a few seconds, research is progressing at a logarithmic pace rather than a linear one. There are other diseases like OCD that appear at first to be psychological, but are not, that have components similar to those exhibited in your disorder. Research in these outlying areas just might produce a way of alleviating your pain. You never know; it could be just around the corner. Please consider what I am telling you, because I know from personal experience and research on my own condition that this is the truth. In reflecting back on my own life, I am glad that I stuck around to see what would happen, and I would hate to know that you departed without giving it some more time. I think that you are a good person, and a good person should stick around. We need you.
I need help. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 14. I turn 29 in two weeks. I’ve been married for 7 1/2 years. We have a 6 year old son who is hands down my biggest fan and a 2 year old daughter that has me wrapped around her finger. On April 28 my wife told me she wants a divorce. I am going through the hardest time of my life right now. I’ve picked up my bottle of anti depressants multiple times with intentions of taking the whole bottle. I found this website trying to Google how to hang myself. I’ve never felt so hopeless and alone my whole life. It’s hard enough battling with these thoughts every day for so long but now it’s consuming me. And I don’t even want to do it. I love my kids more than anything and I know how bad they need me. My wife and I are still best friends, which has made this whole process even harder being around her every day. She’s the only one who knows where I am mentally. She’s trying to take care of me but she still has a wall up and it’s destroying me. I’m doing everything I can just to survive right now and I’m driving my life into the ground on the way. I’ve lost 20 lbs in the matter of weeks, I can’t sleep more than an hour or 2 at a time. I feel all my will to live fade more and more every day. I’m sitting in the cafeteria at work crying. I have no idea how I’ll make it through the rest of this night. I’m trying really hard to find help right now but I’m starting to lose grip. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to keep going. Please help me. Please don’t let me do this. Im so desperate right now.
Kris I’m in. Meaning that I do feel that despair. You need to tell someone to get you somewhere for an assessment now. They might be able to administer a ketamine treatment to jump start your brain out of this defeatist cycle. Or ask someone now to drive you to the ER or mental health hospital to get an assessment. Relationship disruption can be that last straw that drives someone to end their life. The loss of sleep will weaken your resolve to live. And I hear that you Don want to go. This is not something you can do alone and I know you want to live for you and your kids. Your job today, your only job, is to make the move to tell someone to take you to the ER or somewhere to get that assessment. There is most likely a local number for crisis services in your area. Call them. Or look up “mental health crisis——“ Where you see dashes, put in your city and state. You need an assessment to figure out your risk snd you need help now. Please make that call or ask someone to make that call now. I am here. I will respond. You aren’t alone and I want to help you help yourself to live.
I’m so miserable. I don’t understand what’s going through her mind. We’re closer than we’ve ever been but she keeps making it clear she doesn’t want to stay married. We have a couple good days then she hits me with “don’t read too much into it”. I’m so desperate for someone to not let me fall. But I feel like I’m losing grip. Every day gets harder and harder.
That is so confusing for you. I can tell you have invested so much of your own heart which is why this is so hard. I hope you tell someone how you feel. But even if you don’t, come back here, write what you need to. I will answer. If the suicidal thoughts get bad, do the cold water trick above. Or the extreme exercise. It will keep you alive until you can work through all this. You can also visit your doctor and get an antidepressant to help you through this dark period. It’s not forever. It won’t fix it all but it will offer some help. Would you be willing to call your doctor? Please reply so I know you are still here.
Dear Kris,
I just finished reading your plea for help. I hear you loud and clear. I won’t go into my problems, but a drug was found after 26 years that helped me to accomplish much in my life. I would like to think that you will have similar results. I tried over 30 medications before a new one came out and made me feel so much better. Suicide was my middle name from age 14 until age 40. I am now 74 and still doing well. My doctor recently found a genetic link between my depression and the severe depression that both my parents had; it is called “missing the intrinsic factor” in my blood. Since I am not a biochemist (yet), I’m not sure how that works, but very large doses of prescribed vitamin B12 have made me feel even better than the new drug although I still take them together perhaps out of superstition. I can tell you that with me 5000 to 10000 units of B12 stopped my suicidal feelings. I would consult with your doctor first before doing what I was told to do, and I would start at 2500. But that is just me. When my blood was first examined for vitamin and mineral deficiencies (a special, not normally done test) the result showed an almost imperceptible deficiency of B vitamin, which show just how a small deficiency of a needed nutrient can ruin a person’s whole life. I don’t know if my experience can help you, but I would hat to see you do something rash when something could be just around the corner. I will be thinking good thoughts about you and I wish all good things for you and your partner.
I think about suicide daily, I’m 28 and an alcoholic, I did rehab for 7 months and left England to Scotland, to start uni, I never dealt with my mums death or my abuse when I was a child and it’s apparent I never will, so I drink, which causes further problems, iv no friends no family and no hope.
Jack-First of all, I hear you. Addiction is an awful disorder that makes people feel unworthy. Often people turn to a drug or alcohol to manage the immense and powerful feelings that happen as a result of loss and abuse. I’m so sorry you are struggling with the aftermath of both. I can tell you that you can start healing at any time in your life and it’s never too late. My brother is 55 and just went into recovery after decades of substance use disorder. But having said that I don’t want you to think I am dismissing your despair or making anything sound easy because I know it’s not. And finding the will to move forward with that healing process is something that has to come from within you. But I am here. I will answer. I will listen. I will reply. I can’t fix anything but I can listen and respond. I’m honored you posted here and allowed yourself to admit your feelings and take the time to comment.
Anne I have read your posts and think you are an incredible women. Like your son Charles who I see this is the day he past away actually years ago I’m so very sorry ma’am god bless you. I also suffered from addiction and chronic depression. I was shooting heroin daily and constantly thinking about suicide . I am now 2 years clean after 8 years of daily heroin use. Trying to rebuild my life it’s so ever hard . Anyone out their suffering I have hope in your I really do!
First, only a human as tuned in to others would see that the day you posted was the anniversary of my own son’s suicide. So thank you for noticing.
I am now involved in nonprofits and on the board for organizations dedicated to helping those with addiction and mental illness. I have watched how hard it is. You have to be the strongest person in the world to have gotten where you are today. To have endured thoughts of suicide, substance use disorder, and found recovery. The thing is with those who are in recovery from SUD you have to learn coping strategies at a later age. That recovery part is still so much work. And while I can’t fix anything I can answer and I can offer you support and respond. Tell me what support you have in place currently? Groups, people, housing? I know all of that is so hard to find, harder during a pandemic. If you reply, I will answer. I am honored you posted here.
Hello Anne, thank you for your response. Your welcome for noticing the day of your sons suicude. I sincerely hope Charles Rest In Peace I swear to god I do . I came across your page while looking up stuff about suicide again on google. Getting off heroin is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. Even 2 years clean I never feel right in the head. Constantly sad , depressed. Thinking about suicide and ways to harm myself constantly. Life is ever so hard , and never seems to give me a break . I do have a place to live and such only because of a relative. I really wish I could have a do over button for life. I pray for all my fellow addicts in so much pain. Using or recovered like myself , I pray god Helps you all . Anne I wish their was more people like you in this world talking to strangers to offer them support . I will pray god watches over a good person like you. I feel for anyone suffering from pain like me I really do.
Thank you so much for saying that. And yes it is SO hard. And what’s more, it’s unfair you were dealt the gene that allowed your brain to become addicted. I am so impressed you’ve remained off the drug for two years. That’s amazing. REALLY amazing. Do you know how strong one has to be to do that? The first 18months-2 years is hell. You have to learn coping strategies, to manage a mental illness in many cases, relationships torn apart not to mention, job, food and housing–the basics.
I suspect you may have been driven to use in the first place because of depression. You used to feel good–just to give yourself a break from the relenting despair of that condition. That’s how my son felt. So I’m just wondering if you are being treated for depression? Because it can be treated and you deserve that. But either way, I’m here to listen. Right now, I’m just impressed to be honest. I have seen how hard this is. I’m not sure I could do it. But you have.
Hello Anne, you are correct as of next week I’m 2 years clean off heroin . The hardest part hasn’t been staying away from heroin it’s been the crippling depression which is why I used in the first place. I’m fortunate to have a relative who is financially helping me during my sad time in life. Without them I would be homeless and for sure have took my life by now ,not a question in my mind about that. I was a functioning addict with a gf, We both had jobs apartment everything even while using. Went to rehab got clean and now just feel lost , I lost my apartment over the last two years stuck under someone’s roof and so very miserable . Hard keeping steady employment, I’m so severely sad everyday ,not a normal sad , like please run me over and end my pain type of sad. Your poor son definitely felt my pain from what you described which is totally unfair , he and I both didn’t deserve this type of pain. I don’t have a soul anymore I feel .Their was a time I was being treated for depression and ocd ,anxiety , but got sick of taking ssris , Xanax, all the stuff the therapist gave me and turned to heroin . I smoke cannabis daily ,which is legal where I live to cope with it. I’m so very tired of the pain I feel, and never see a bright future for myself, while my own sisters flourish in life and they don’t care at all really, They live in a bubble . I really need to see that light one day. Thank you Anne again for listening . Always looked for websites online where someone actually just cares, you definitely do I can tell. Thanks Because it seems like no one I know in my life really even cares. I will say this, that heroin is one of the most evil things on our planet. Anyone reading this don’t ever try heroin please, it destroys your life and steals your soul. God bless u and god bless everyone that reads this I sincerely mean that.
My brother would be homeless if it were not for me and my mom. He went into recovery this past November from alcohol and nearly died. So I have first hand experience with trying to help a loved one navigate the system. I think because you want it, to feel good it will happen again. It’s just that first step of figuring out how to get out from under the big black dog. And I do know that daily use of thc can eventually work the other way. Although everyone is different and I am not passing judgment because no one can define someone else’s recovery. As for your family they are unaware that you have genes they didn’t get and that it’s not just you that needs recovery, they do, too. So many families are like that. But someone has stuck their neck out for you. Someone thinks you can come back after this. Someone has faith in you and has given you a roof over your head. And I believe you have it in you given the hardship you have endured already. You just need one step forward. Maybe that’s finding a support group which by the way is where you’d find out the good doctors and not just pill pushers. Maybe it’s making a call to a warm line in your area to talk to someone who has been through this. We need compassionate people like you on this earth. And you are struggling with so many of the issues Charles did. But as much as I want you to get well I will answer even if you make no move right now to do so. An article I want to share based on what you posted about heroin. Because I feel the same way. And thanks for coming back, thanks for your trust in me and for being emotionally naked.
https://annemoss.com/2016/05/05/dear-heroin-f-ing-hate/
https://annemoss.com/2018/10/18/letter-from-depression/
https://annemoss.com/2016/05/05/dear-heroin-f-ing-hate/
Only a good person as yourself Anne would take in family when in need. Your brother and myself are very lucky. I personally have a friend I’ll call him bill. He is homeless sleeping on a street bench in my local area, and he tried cutting his own throat with a butchers knife years back, and very luckily survived. Because he was found in time. Bill has the worst scar I have ever seen on a human being in my life. I cried when I saw him sleeping homeless knowing the pain he has endured previously in his life. He is a childhood friend who was once one of my best friends back in high school .I realize life can be very very hard to some and not others. I have people in my own family who are considered wealthy in today’s world, and absolutely don’t care if I even exist, they wouldn’t help me and don’t even seem to care I’m alive. The wealth has got to their heads and I’m ashamed to call them fake people family, blood or not. Too me blood means nothing anymore.Cannabis has been my savior and I’m a huge advocate, it personally helps me tremendously. Thank you for calling me compassionate Anne, I highly appreciate it. I wish getting well was that simple, but I’m unfortunately dealing with actual very painful physical pain as well which I’m not really trying to discuss in top of mental. Going into debt spent all the money I had saved on doctor bills and am just so depressed.I never catch a break it seems. I will of course read the articles , I enjoy knowing someone out their who will never know my real name or see my face just actually has a heart and cares to listen. We need more people like you as well, a kind hearted woman who helps others . I hope you have a very good night. And thank you for all that you do and caring. Your such a dear sweet lady . Sincerely John Doe your friend .
Sometimes people want to talk to a compassionate stranger more that others who know too much of your history, hold it against you and then duct tape you in that past making it hard for a person trying to heal to move forward. All that judgement. However for me when I was in emotional turmoil it helped if I lost the assumptions and just listed and looked at the facts only (removing assumptions) which helped me see things (eventually) from another viewpoint. I actually ended up learning new things about my friends I didn’t know—struggles they had that they didn’t want to share because they thought them petty compared with the loss of my son. And I felt like my mom just thought I should be over the loss when in fact she had no. Idea what to do and had lots of questions that I would have been mad about if I had not decided to allow her any questions and my honest answers being payouts understand that she doesn’t know because she is not in my shoes and I hope she never is.
But what I know what hurts is the lack of support from those who are supposed to be family. And I have to wonder do they even know how much just a lunch invitation would mean. So I am going to bet they have a lot of myths in their heads and for the most part lack the education to know the right thing to do. Because instinctively you do know. You have that gift. And it’s very hard for you to understand that others just don’t. So for example if there is a person on the sidewalk sitting on a wall and crying so many would be lost on what to do and end up walking by. But I am going to bet you wouldn’t hesitate to sit next to this person, be patient and just say that you are willing to listen. People who have endured great pain have enormous gifts. It might take you a few years of perspective to see that gift and it’s impact. So that is what you can use to take one step at a time. One of those steps was talking to me who gets as much emo healing out of this conversation as I hope you do. Because human connection, even with a stranger, is important and worthwhile. I appreciate your coming back and commenting. This thread, more than the hundreds of studies I have read, has been the greatest teacher regarding suicide. Thank you John Doe.
Hello Anne , I hope you are well. I sincerely need your opinion on something. I’ve started developing panic attack’s lately on top my depression that ever so ruins me and don’t know what to do. Their was a time I saw someone in my local area many years ago for ssris and Benzos, but I saw the reviews and that place has gone down hill terribly 1 out of 5 stars from everyone lately no jokes. My insurance isn’t good, but I do have some state insurance crap. And my savings are almost gone I’m literally grasping at straws . My anxiety has caused me to not want to be around people anymore, my quality of life is gone. Just purely existing at this point. I know we talked last month, I really need your opinion not doing well. I’m not working at the moment and can barely function as a human being. You know my story so this isn’t new to you. But what would you do at this point. My family support is minimal at best. I feel like I should be getting ssi disability for mental disability, but I don’t know where to start or what to due? Having hard time functioning in this world and feel like I’m never going to feel normal again. I kicked heroin cold turkey and beat the devil himself, getting over the physical shit two years ago was hard but it’s possible to accomplish without suboxone or methadone I personally did it. but my mental is so far gone. I’m hurting a lot, and I have actual some physical things going on as well. Life is so painful. I have been trying chamomile tea , niacin, St. John’s wort. Natural remedies, I’m scared to go on Xanax ever again due to dependence and Benzos cause horrible withdrawal. My own buddy just got on them and I’m warning him that it can lead to horrible addiction , his anxiety has got terrible as well. . And my own past struggles with addiction reminds me of the horrors of being addicted to something . I would really love your opinion ever so much. Anyone reading this hurting I’m so sorry for your pain as well . I will pray for you.
Can I just say you are such an amazing and resilient person. Seriously. To manage all this so far and still be here. And the whole withdrawal with no medical support. I also like that you are recognizing that benzos can get you into more trouble. They also don’t teach you how to manage panic attacks.
So panic attacks. Here’s what we did with Charles and the two times I had a panic attack, what I did. When I feel the initial sensations which I recognized right away, before it escalated, I stopped what I was doing, closed my eyes and started deep belly breathing. I imagined the color blue on my in breath and I slowly inhaled and the color red on my out breath which was even slower (count 4 seconds in and 6 seconds out). Since I was driving, I didn’t do the closing eyes part but I did start the breathing and pulled over and stopped the car before doing the rest. But I have just done the breathing alone. I practice it daily so that I have it at my disposal at any time. So this page should help you choose a technique that works for you and give you an overview of breathing techniques. https://annemoss.com/2019/01/18/breathing-strategies-to-quiet-anxiety-or-manage-grief/
This isn’t just kumbaya crap but it actually physically engages the calming part of your central nervous system so your panic attack cannot escalate.
The other time was in the ER when I panicked over an asthma attack which made it worse. They gave me a paper bag and said to breathe into that. Again, I thought it was mumbo jumbo but it worked. That also worked well for Charles when he was young as teaching him how to do deep breathing as a youngster took a while. A paper bag he could understand. Both of those are free strategies and honestly the most effective and the fastest. So anything you can find online about breathing strategies to manage panic. The key is to identify those initial feelings. Mine are an increase in heart rate, hot flashes and dry mouth. I IMMEDIATELY start the deep breathing and it de-escalates as long as I stick with it. I usually am talking to myself, too. I tell myself, “you are alive. you are breathing. take this pause for you so you can make an informed decision.” Or I imagine clouds because that image is calming to me.
So lastly, I would suggest joining a group. NAMI, National Alliance of Mental Illness has a peer to peer group and there are warm lines. So here is a group in your area. It is on zoom and you can start off with your camera off and explain to the group that you are working towards turning it on and you can use the chat until you work yourself up to being able to be there out loud. The group will understand. But this group can help you find the free resources locally to support you with medication and such. Because all of them are managing mental conditions of some kind from bipolar and schizoaffective disorder to SUD and ADHD.
Group: https://naminorthernillinois.org/nami-connection/
Warm Line in Illinois:
This isn’t a suicide hotline but a peer-to-peer sort of phone support that helps so much. So you call and talk to someone who has been where you are at some point. They will also know usually of where to find support and such.
(866) 359-7953
Hours: Monday – Saturday from 8 am to 8 pm (Central)
(Available to Illinois Callers only – Does not take calls from out of state callers)
I hope that helps. And I absolutely know you have the skills to do these things given your history and your level of resilience which is nothing short of incredible. So before you try these, take a moment to think how hard it was to get through withdrawal on your own. You did that. You can freaking do anything! You can do deep breathing. You can join a group and take your time putting your big toe in first and then your whole self. Thank you for coming back. It’s so good to hear from you.
Thank you so much for caring Anne god bless you ma’am . Your a great person.
Me too I’m in the same position all I feel is pain, hopelessness, despair, no love, peace, joy, nothing.
My heart hurts, my lungs hurt, my body aches.
My body longs for a better time my brain is done with me. My body is fighting me back.
That description really helps me to understand and feel your depth of despair and the depth of despair for many suffering these thoughts. Thank you for the honor of sharing that on this site. And I am not surprised that you struggle with that up and down of wanting to live and not wanting to live at the same time. But I do think if there are doubts, which you did mention having, it means you tell someone because part of you does have doubts. And this is a final decision. Is there someone you trust who. You could talk to? And while I can’t fix anything I can listen. And I will answer.
There is always hope Jack. You need to go back into rehab, and then see a good counselor that deals with abuse. You may not know me, but I am your friend when I tell you that alcohol or street drugs are not your friend. Your mother’s death is important to me because I lost my mother too and never got over it. Now I lost my wife in this Covid thing and I am suffering again. I did get help however and I am still here hoping for a better life. I was a suicide jockey from age fourteen to age 40. I found medication after 26 years that worked. Later I found that I was missing vitamin B12 from my bloodstream and it coupled with my rearing history was the source of my suicidal feelings. Look, Jack, I feel terribly for what you are going through. You probably have more pain than I can ever imagine with the alcohol problem. It is important to know that the alcohol is destroying all of your B vitamins by its chemical action. You need those vitamins to think clearly about your situation. I care about you and I want you to understand that only constructive, help seeking action is going to make your life better. I have worked with brain science for many years, and I know from personal experience that the science to make you feel better and have a good life is out there. You may have to experiment with several medicines and some long term therapy, but don’t write off your precious life. If you get the right help now, your life will get better. Mine did, and I thought it never would. Make up your mind, and you will get better. I hope that God will bless you, and I wish all good thing for you.
I have wanted to die since I can remember. Imagine a young 8 or 9 year old boy wishing he was dead so maybe someone would care. I never have lost those feelings. I have beautiful kids and love them so much. I have been kicked out of our home by their mom countless times were stubborn ppl but I always feel like I cant handle how much it hurts. I feel consumed by thoughts of killing myself. My babies saved me when my mom passed away. When she died I felt alone. My kids mom went to Florida with a friend to have fun and go out alot. That hurt and put insecurities in my mind. I would always have my moms support even if she disagreed she never made me feel worse. I miss her everyday. It doesn’t get any easier. I dont understand how others can just go on through breakups or loss like its no big deal. It confuses me and makes me hate myself for being so weak mentally. I’m very scared to die and basically not have existed my mind dies with me and all existence in my mind dies with it. It scares me. But still I just want to stop hurting and feeling this way. Tonight I am going to try to kill myself. I’ve gotten to this point before but only felt it out. I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow and worry about life and its uncertainties and the pain that joins those thoughts. So tonight dying is my only way to escape life’s struggles. The pain in my heart and head.
mj- I’m so sorry you’ve suffered like this. Since 8 years old is a long time. And please don’t feel weak. You were simply born with sensitivities where you feel things more deeply. I’m so sorry about your mom. And what you’ve said speaks volumes of your love for her. Since you mentioned your kids, and if you get this in time, tell me about them, their ages, what they are like. And I will answer if you reply. I hope you do.
ttired feelings solonly the drugs itake arent workingng nomore iam scard for my mother cus she cus she gave me life line
andq my freaind bambii doesnt care about me i hurt she makes me feel the wurst icry bye selfl in the washroom know wons howbad i fieel i feeli want to dothis tonighti somethingt gonna happen
tonight.
Trevor. So are you taking prescribed medication or are you talking about recreational drugs? And Bambi is your girlfriend? I’m so sorry things are so bad for you right now. If you answer I will reply.
Dear MJ, I hope you are still here. I have felt like you; it is confusing, and it does hurt so very badly. I fully understand from my own experience that you are frightened and that you don’t want to confront what seems like a very high wall of pain coming at you. Let me tell you my friend, you are not alone. I have been there. It’s not pretty. You are not weak; you are just terribly sad and confused. I know how that feels. I care about you, and I’ll bet that your kids care about you too. My mom was suicidal, and had she been successful (I stopped her) it would have devastated my entire life. And just to let you know, you should be afraid of taking your own life; that is a job for doctors when a person is going to die from a horrendous and painful disease, and there is absolutely no other option. I have been in hospitals where the family of a suicidal patient has to endure the death of their loved one, and it truly is devastating. As someone who has worked in the suicide prevention field, I can tell you that research has shown that the act of suicide is internal unresolved anger turned inwards. That is the definition of what suicide is all about. Now wouldn’t it be unreasonable to harm yourself for something you didn’t do? Look, MJ, life is full of uncertainty. My wife of 34 years just died of this Covid virus thing. Who knew? But you have to go on. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. It is horrible! People who seem like it doesn’t bother them are living in denial, because they need to survive. The need is built into us for a reason.. We are meant to go on as a species. I pray to God whether He is a personal one or if He is the universe itself that you will see a counselor or clergy person, who will help you see that you are loved. Someone out here does care about you. That person is me, and while sometimes your kids are wrapped up in their own uncertain lives, they still love you, and would miss you terribly, because your kids always need you. Be well my friend. The angels are all around you; like me, they want you to live.
I’m in a horrible place with my boyfriend. I’ve had huge arguments with my family. I’m not on speaking terms with my sister. My friends openly confronted me about how my mental illness was a burden to them. I have no one to talk to, I’m scared to call a crisis line because they might call 9-1-1 to my house. I want to cut my throat and jump off a bridge or hang myself. No one knows the real me and how I feel. My therapist is no help, he guilt trips me for feeling suicidal and tells me it’s selfish. I get it, I’m a horrible person. My existence is a burden. I don’t have a support system. I’ve tried to get help in so many ways. It’s not working. I’m done trying to be happy. I’m invisible to everyone around me anyways. My existence doesn’t matter. Everyone is better off if I’m dead.
Momo. I feel the despair in your story. First your therapist is so wrong to shame you for being suicidal. Such a breach of a professional oath. I am so sorry you have not been able to depend on help you pay for. And you mentioned a mental illness. That is often makes people more vulnerable to suicide. I think you family does care they simply are craving stability and I am going to bet you are too. If you are in the US or Canada, reach out to the crisis text line at 741-741. I am so sorry you are feeling as you do. I can’t fix anything but I can listen and respond so know that I will do that.
Thank you for being here
You are so welcome momo. I want you to know I am here. I will listen. I will answer.
I’m back :/ I feel like such a burden. I know my bf is just setting emotional boundaries but he seems to push me away every time i need support when i’m feeling sad or suicidal – i can’t go to him anymore i just feel like such a burden and he’s my best friend if he doesn’t want to support me and if i’m too much for him then what am i supposed to do?
I am so sorry you are getting that response. And you are right that he’s not the right person to tell. I am so impressed that you did. So I know you can do this. First, I want to explain his reaction. To you it might look as if he doesn’t care. That’s not true. It’s simply that he’s is scared and doesn’t know what to do so basically he freezes and pushes you away hoping he feeling will go away. He doesn’t think he is at risk of really losing you.
I know better. You are at serious risk of dying. I don’t know your age and if you are in school. If so, tell a school counselor or teacher. Other thoughts are a school nurse, school counselor, teacher, Coach, minister (faith leader), parent, parent of a friend. I have a link at the end on how to choose someone to tell. The crisis text line for USA and Canada is 741-741 and you can ask them for local resources. We will find a way to get you some help. You deserve it. The link I promised. I am here. You know I will answer. https://annemoss.com/2020/02/26/how-to-tell-someone-i-want-to-kill-myself/
Thank you. You said he doesn’t think he’s really at risk of losing me and I agree, that’s why I feel like he’s not taking my suicidal thoughts seriously – is there something I should do about that?
Later. For now, your only job is to stay alive and that means telling someone who DOES take it seriously. I would have that conversation with the bf later. Please get help first. I’m concerned about helping you save your own life first and so I’m focused on who is that trusted adult or resource who will get you in for an suicide assessment and help you with a safety plan.
I don’t want to worry my parents, I already have a therapist and I texted the crisis line but they have a max 45min quota and it takes them forever to reply so I end up feeling worse
Wow. I had no idea the crisis line was so crowded. There is also a facebook link but I bet that has a wait, too. Thank you for letting me know. But I’m here. Who can you tell? It doesn’t have to be your parents. So can you tell a teacher? What about telling your therapist?
it won’t let me reply further down but my therapist is useless he just guilts me out of attempting and i just have to pretend i’m okay during sessions. i got into another fight w my boyfriend i need the courage to break up with him but i don’t have it because i still love him i just wish he still loved me :/ he really makes me feel like my mental health is such a burden though
Momo- You can just start a new comment thread. I’m impressed you’ve realized some of the issues that are triggering your ideation. That shows a lot of self awareness. Relationship disruption like that which is going on with your boyfriend is a trigger. Most of all, I’m really pissed your therapist is taking the “shame you out of suicide” approach which is woefully outdated and ineffective. Like back in 1990 they did that and it’s proven to be a poor strategy. Because guess what they found out? That patients were covering up their thoughts because the therapist would make them feel guilty. How does that help? And it didn’t prevent suicide either.
Would you be willing to work on a safety plan with me? We can sort of go an old-fashioned route with this resource https://annemoss.com/wp-content/uploads/suicide-safety-plan-drtracymarks.pdf and then I can suggest some apps that would help. One is My3. And another called Suicide Safety Plan. So you can take the info we create and put it in your app.I am so sorry you are not getting the support you deserve despite making quite an effort.
that would be great thank you
OK. Go to the top and start a new comment. And we are going to do one at a time. Then once we are done, I’ll fill in the sheet and you have a safety plan. It basically is personalized to you. Your triggers, your coping mechanisms, emergency contacts and coping skills.
Our first question is:
IDENTIFY WARNING SIGNS
What are your thoughts and behaviors?
So here you want to identify those triggers that make you feel lousy that end up making you feel suicidal. For example,do you feel suicidal when you have an argument with your parent or boyfriend? Is it when there is a change like going back to school or some other change? Your menstrual cycle? At night when you are alone and certain thoughts lead to dark thoughts? Stuff like that.
So start a new comment at the top and try your best to answer that one question. I feel so confident you can manage this because you are capable and you want to.
Momo, you are not invisible to me. You can know that if you are having mental health problems you are in the company of millions of other good people, some of whom are very, very famous. Some of those people were artists, doctors, scientists, and professors who made fabulous contributions to this world. Mental illness strikes every kind of person in every socioeconomic bracket….Howard Hughes, case in point. You are in good company, and I’m betting that you are a good person who feels deeply about things. I used to work for a crisis line and I would not call 911 unless I felt that you were in imminent danger, and why would I do that? I would do it because I did not want to see you die, because I know that life is precious and that your life is precious. When we are all hung up with our problems and can’t see any way out, it is natural to want to escape any way we can. I don’t think you are selfish. I KNOW that you are hurting deeply. Perhaps you could use a new therapist. And as for your friends, it is to be expected that untrained people will not know how to respond to you. They just don’t know what to do; they are confused and it frightens them. That proves that you are not invisible. Invisible people cannot frighten their friends. They are not bad people; they are just uninformed people, scared people, people who have problems of their own. When you are feeling bad, you need to share that with someone. Not everyone on the line will be the right person; so call back about 4 hours later to get a new person. Usually the shifts are 4 hours so the counselors don’t get burn out. It is important to be fresh when you’re trying to help someone. You also need to have a sympathetic counselor who will guide you into wanting to be here. You need a person who will show you all the reasons that you should be here. I believe that everyone has a reason for being here in the grand scheme of existence. We very often don’t know what that is until very late in our lives. It would be wise to not try to defeat that purpose. Family members, not unlike you friends, are also bewildered by your problems, which incidentally, could be caused by a biochemical imbalance. I would contact a good female physician and ask her for a full work up including, and especially, the levels of vitamins, minerals, or toxic substances that could be contributing to your symptoms. Women, in my experience, seem more willing to accommodate you in that regard. Perhaps she can recommend a nice therapist. Just so ya know people who are not trained, don’t like to hear about yer problems; so keep it light with your friends, family, and boy friend. Let them know that you are working on yourself and that you would appreciate their understanding. No good person is going to fault you for being honest, and if someone does, minimize your contact with them. Try to avoid confrontation and arguments whenever possible, because these people don’t get it, and trying to make them get it is futile. I hope you heard me on this, because I know. Untrained people, sadly but true, don’t know what to tell you; so they say what they think is right. But usually it is wrong. Your existence is not a burden to anyone, except those who want to assist in making it a burden. Your existence does matter in many ways that you are still not aware of yet. How you feel, your sadness, matters to me, right now. A good counselor can help you. One last thing if you’re still not cool with calling for help. If you did get a 911 visit, it wouldn’t hurt a thing. Assuming you were not psychotic and having a major break with reality, you would get a free ride to the local ER and be released when they were sure you were stable. You do need to be honest with them. My recommendation: do it the easy way with a medical doctor and her recommended therapist, and avoid the red lights and siren. I hear you and I care about you. Your life is important to me, and while you may not see it now while things seem bad, there is great hope for you.
Thanks for writing this I’m sure it has all been so hard on you. Thank you for answering comments.
I’m 22 years old and made it as far as I have on a fluke, aka lots of unsuccessful attempts. I’m in college nearly done but I never liked what I studied and now I’m struggling to get employed in this field. I took on a different job to try to feel less useless but on the first night (tonight) I failed miserably since I have scoliosis and after a few hours felt like I was going to get sick and faint, I did get sick at home. I just can’t do anything right and I should probably quit the job since I’m a liability but I’m scared to and scared of what they’ll think, things like what I think about myself. I’m just so tired of it all and it won’t get better and I’ll never enjoy life. I would love to just die peacefully but few methods are foolproof and I’m dumb and scared of pain or surviving and having to live in an even more messed up body. Honestly I’d love for someone to kill me or give me what I needed to myself. I’m always and will always be alone or end up alone. I’m just so tired but I always wake up to the same depression. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Honestly I want someone to say it’s okay, that I can die, and help me leave.
I read all of it. Between the lines I read that you want to die but also are afraid to die because it might hurt or you might disable yourself. Which, to be honest, can and does happen. And all that chatter in your brain is just making you tired and angry with yourself. I think it’s remarkable you got any job in this market. Not many have especially those right out of college. And failure is part of success. There’s no way you’d learn if you didn’t have any. See if there is a trustworthy adult from whom you can get some guidance and advice. I am so sorry that everything is such a struggle. I am can’t help but be impressed how much you have achieved with a disability.
Your self hatred is so in line with those who live with depression. So I have to ask if you take medication. That can help. And I hurt that you hurt so much.
The amazing part is you are still here. I actually think that means something. I know what I think it means. But what do you think that means? Thank you for leaving a comment. If you reply I will answer.
It’s not an impressive job, anyone could have gotten it and honestly anyone could do better at it than me. It’s not related to my major since no internships would hire me.
I don’t take any medication since I’m afraid I’d overdose if given it. And I can’t be open about how I feel either.
What I think it means that I’m still here is that I was too dumb in high-school to properly kill myself. So ideally I shouldn’t be here and I still don’t want to be.
Thanks for answering, I don’t think I really deserve to be talked to.
So I’m going to be bold and tell you what I hear. Your self-hatred is really the biggest barrier to your finding any joy or seeing your own potential. And that is something you can actually control if you take the right steps. And you can’t do it alone. Most things we do as humans that are effective are not done without support. I healed from loss with support. While it still hurts, I am able to find joy and carry forward my son’s legacy of letting other people know that they matter. He would sit with you and let you know you did matter, not by saying it but just by being there. I would not have answered if I felt you were not worthy. But I can’t “talk you into” that. All I can do is listen and respond and let you know you have been heard and let you know what I’m hearing in an honest and forthright manner. I think it’s worth the chance to get medication. Yeah, you could abuse it. But at this point, I think you need it to get that glimmer of hope in the darkness that will propel you forward out of your cycle of self-hatred. I think you posted here because some part of you wants to find that happiness, a sense of worthiness. I actually think that something is happening here, that you want out of this but are ambivalent enough about dying that you might take that first tiny step and tell one trusted adult how you feel. I mean you are thinking about killing yourself here? How on earth could that be worse? And if you do think of all the worst scenarios of doing such, write them all down. But then you also have to write down potentially good things that happen if you do. You can’t think all bad without thinking of all good, too. So to recap. Can you think of a trusted adult to tell? And write down all the things you fear in doing so and then all the things that could happen that would be good if you did. You can do that here and I will help. Thank you for responding. I really am honored you did. I’m honored you posted here and trust me.
One more thing. Desmond felt as you did and this is how he worked through it: https://annemoss.com/2021/01/01/concrete-strategies-that-helped-me-work-through-my-teen-depression/
Hi Anne Moss Rogers,
I have read your comments and think that you are doing a fine job in helping other people get to a good place. I admire you for it and I regret the pain and suffering that you have sustained in your own life. I am deeply sorry for your loss. There is probably no loss deeper than the loss of someone that you brought into this world. I have recently lost a wife of 34 years, and I too know a little about pain. I thank you for all your good work……adding to the goodness in these stressful times. All my best, John
I have been doing this for years now. By myself. And you have gone through here and connected with others in such an empathetic way. Thank you. I am so sorry you lost your wife, your partner in life, your beat friend. It has to be soul crushing and rearranges what you think your life was supposed to be. You took the time to give back. And I’m so grateful for that. Thank you. If you reply I will definitely answer I am listening and I paid a lot of attention to your responses to others and their pain.
I’m so sorry about your son. I am an alcoholic that just can’t kick the habbit. I have a daughter and two grandchildren that mean more to me than anything in this world. I just can’t quit drinking. I’ve tried so many times and I always fall back. I don’t want them to see me suffer as I have taken care of a dying person and don’t want them to go through that. I know it’s hard to believe if I love them why would I contemplate suicide but it is what it is. It’s a disease that has taken my life from me. I love them so much but it would be better for them if I was gone early rather than later when they really know me. I’m sorry. I know I need help but I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening
That has to be so daunting to try so often and end up back in addiction. It really is a terrible disease and that’s the part that’s so hard for both the sufferer and the family. My son also felt terrible guilt over his disease. I never knew until after he died.
He wrote
“My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown,
I feel so unloved, because of the monster created from drugs.”
My heart was so crushed. How could I have missed pain so monumental? Love so deep and self hatred so embedded? I have forgiven myself understanding I cannot control another human only how I react to it.
There were more hopeful lyrics too. But the ones he wrote in deep despair of drug addiction were so telling. He makes it so personal in some of his songs I almost feel like I understand. But I know I can only understand as much as someone can from the outside. So I want you to know that my post here isn’t to judge. But I can respond and let you know you’ve been heard and that you’ve touched a place in my heart that I can’t quite describe. Maybe one day I will be able to.
So since you mentioned your daughter and grandchildren. Tell me about them. One of them. I hope you are still here so you can tell me.
I’m a 16 year old teenage girl who struggles with depression, anxiety, ptsd and suicidal ideation. Sometimes things get too hard and at this point I doubt they will ever get better so I want to hang myself. I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this but nothing seems to be in my control. I’m so lost. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t want to talk to my parents about this because they are religious and they would be really upset and disappointed with me so I just act happy when I’m around them. I had a boyfriend but he broke up with me 3 months ago, I still miss him a lot because he was the only person who actually gave a fuck about me. I don’t know what to do, I just feel like I’m getting lost in an endless void 🙁
Mia- I’m so sorry you are struggling with such a huge issue all by yourself. But you are no longer by yourself. I am here and will listen and answer. So here’s what I focused in on in your comment above, “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this but nothing seems to be in my control.” There is so much power in that sentence you wrote. So much wisdom. That right there lets me know that you have not only the will to live but the strength to make your way out of the darkness. That is a HUGE first step. And you told someone, me. I’m honored you did so and that you trust me. So thank you.
What we are going to focus on is how to keep you safe from suicide and the first step is to tell someone. I mean if you were having a heart attack you’d need medical intervention, right? Mental health is no different.
I agree that your parents are not the right people to tell. They are not always because of the reasons you stated. While they will be informed or brought in later, we don’t need to start there. It’s always different hearing it from another adult who knows what they are doing and explains it to your parents. So who do you choose?
The best choice is a school counselor. Another thought is a teacher, a minister, a coach, a principal, another relative. Or you can tell a close friend and go tell a trusted adult together. So write down some possibilities. What you need is a suicide assessment and then a treatment plan from there. It feels hopeless now and that’s the depression lying to you. So is there a trusted adult, other than your parents, whom you could tell? And I will help you work through this OK? This is very important. You are important.
You sound like a wonderful 16 year old girl. I was immediately impressed with your skill in communicating your feelings. I hear you when you say you don’t want to die, and I also hear you when you say you are experiencing deep pain and are thinking about it to avoid the pain. It’s a terrible Catch 22 problem. I am a parent of 3 adopted daughters who came from very unpleasant homes. Parents, religious or not, signed up for both the good and the bad. Your acting all Yogi Bear and Boo Boo with them is depriving them of doing what a parent is meant to do, ie support their child in times of crisis. Love, laughter, AND disappointment are all part of a parent’s life. Disappointment? So what! Your life is precious, far more precious than any disappointment that you might fear. I hear you questioning your parents’ love and understanding for you. A religious person understands pain and suffering and wants to help, not condemn. Jesus suffered terribly in His life. I think that having raised such a nice and courageous young lady, they can handle it. It is not good for you to destroy your insides by bottling up your emotions. I think you should tell your parents exactly how you feel. I am a trained counselor and I tell it like it is. I think that your parents will accept your feelings and want to help you. Sometimes parents don’t know how to deal with problems; that is not an indictment of their love. Your pain is what doctors and therapists are for. You sound like a fine young woman, and you should talk with your family physician at the very least, and get a recommendation for a good counselor or even a clergy member trained with working with youth problems. As counselor, I think I would be interested in knowing where the PTSD is coming from and why you are feeling such anxiety. You may have to work on getting in touch with those feelings, but you sound very capable. If you were my daughter I would be very proud of you for being so brave and trusting me. I hope you can get past the boyfriend problem. If I remember correctly things like that were very important to me, and having a person my own age to listen was a big frigging deal. Maybe it will patch up, or maybe it won’t, but if you are cool as I think you are, I think you will have another boyfriend very soon. I wish for you all good things, and I know things will get better with time. They did for me. Just hang in there girl; you’re smart and you’re strong.
Male 44 years old.
This past year, the virus and subsequent lockdowns have devistated me. Starting with the loosing of my job then my house then my youngest daughter, my best and only friend comes to me with I’m gay, then it’s no I’m trans. Of course I said all the wrong things. I was living in a tent on a river I left in my Jeep to go get some supplies with my dog he was a puppy really he got excited and tried to climb in my lap when I tried to get him off he jumped down on the gas pedal. We rolled five times down a cliff, he died i didn’t. I meet this woman she seems perfect we date promises are made but during the dating process I learn a close male figure in my life, a pastor/mentor really, that I hadn’t spoken to in years has died, and now I’m learning that on top of a meth problem my girlfriend has a gambling problem too. I live in a little beat up trailer on a trap house property I’m clean but not sober drinking like a fish none of my family will talk to me especially my daughter I don’t even have a vehicle to go look for work. The noose is tied I just have to stick my neck in it.
Damn Jason you have had such pain in the past few months. My heart breaks to hear what you are going through. Of course you feel despair. How long have you struggled with gender identity? I am here. I will answer. Please reply. I am very concerned about you.
Im sorry cor your loss I teied to hang myself last night bit my frienf pulled in just as I was about to pasd out so I stop i really think that there is no point in doing this anymore life is horrible it would be easier on everyone if I wasnt around
Louis- are you still feeling as badly today? It sounds like you were very close to ending your life but you did not becauwe a friend interupted. I’m concerned so let me know how you are today. I will reply.
I’m 22 and I’ve struggled with depression since I was about 12. I keep telling myself thing will get better but it only get worse between threat of eviction due to money worries and abuse I’m struggling to cope. Been with my partner for 6, nearly 7 years. I love him but he is abusing me. He’s hitting me and he puts me down a lot he calls me things like “mongo” “stupid” “bitch” I get told I’m useless and worthless, He doesn’t hit me really bad just a slap or a punch every now and then when we argue. I’m beginning to realise it’s not normal. I get screamed at if a pair of trousers aren’t washed, if he can’t find something or basically if something he wants isn’t done. I’m struggling to keep going. We do both smoke weed daily and if he goes with out his anger gets worse. I love this man, but I can’t take it anymore I’m thinking about suicide nearly everyday. If I tell him I am feeling suicidal he tells me to stop attention seeking or just do it. I’m trying to stay strong for my mum. I just don’t know if I can keep going like this I just want out. I’ve neverspoke anyone about it before.
First of all, I am so honored you posted your story here. Thank you for your trust. You are in a difficult situation that is emotionally devastating. My heart hurts for you and I understand your feelings of despair.
What I noticed is that you recognize what this person is doing to you is not “normal.” And you know that you do not deserve this. Given that comment I know there is reluctance to take the difficult steps to get out of your situation. But your mind is working on them and while suicide is one option it is just one and there are often many options to a problem. So I am sensing that at your core, despite how hard this person has tried to erode your self worth, deep down you know you are worthy of someone who loves and treats you well. I believe that, too. And I hope you can communicate with someone you trust to help you find your way out of that house and that toxic relationship. I want you to know that I will answer you and listen.
I am so sorry about your son. You have done such an admirable thing by trying to reach out to help those who might be in a similar emotional position to that which he was in. Thank you for doing this.
I have been struggling for a long time now – I am quite a bit older than your son was (I am 29) and I find it sad to see people so young believing that they have no meaning, no potential, no light in the world (when they do have it, but they’re blinded by the darkness of depression). I don’t know how much longer I can go on; I am single (significant breakup last year) unhappy and unfulfilled in my job which I am not much good at. I am a dark cloud on my family and remaining friends and I do not feel I have many close connections anymore. I know they would suffer if I decided to go, and I don’t want to inflict that upon them, but I suffer so much every day. I feel so lonely.
I am trying to make things better; I have been having therapy since last August, but it is hard to see how my situation/life will improve. I think that suicide is always a tragedy, particularly with those who are young, like your son was, and I feel so much sympathy for the families of those who are left behind. However, do you not think that as people get older, it becomes more and more justified? The chance for things to improve and change decreases more and more as one ages, and though it is possible one could still do great things, and achieve satisfaction, joy and peace, it becomes statistically less probable as we age – if this is true (and I believe it is) then for those of us struggling to find meaning, joy and connection, suicide becomes increasingly reasonable and rational as a decision (though at no point does it stop being a tragedy).
Nevertheless, thank you for reaching out to younger people who are struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. You are doing such a valuable thing in this world, and the world is lucky to have someone who is doing so much good, despite immense emotional difficulty. Thank you.
Pete, I talk to people of all ages. The oldest that I know was 83 and the youngest that I know, 8. You ask some tough questions. And here, we don’t judge. So you asked, “However, do you not think that as people get older, it becomes more and more justified? The chance for things to improve and change decreases more and more as one ages, and though it is possible one could still do great things, and achieve satisfaction, joy and peace, it becomes statistically less probable as we age.”
I don’t ever think it’s statistically less probable. But that doesn’t mean the feelings don’t wear you down.
Here’s what I’ve found. There is a lady named Debbie who posted on this site for years. She struggled so much. I never gave up hope but it looked unlikely she would survive. She now comes back about every six months and gives me an update. She did attempt and for a while, after she still struggled but her will to live returned. Then got better although it was not fast. But when she comes back, she states she is glad she lived. I didn’t “save” her. She saved herself. All I did is listen and respond and let her know I cared. I get that it beats you down and it’s hard to keep fighting. And my intention of doing the video really wasn’t to “guilt” those struggling although to some they see it that way. I don’t even know now if the video is the right message but it was one from my heart so I’ve left it. I cried the whole time I was making it.
I can’t help but want you to live so you can rekindle and find joy in your life again. Because I have seen it happen over and over and over. Why wouldn’t that success story be you? Why wouldn’t your story someday serve as someone else’s survival guide? So we really don’t know that it WON’T be you who does improve. With every “Why me”” that pings in my head, I have to counter with “Why not me?” I respect your opinion and read and reread your thoughts. I understand and appreciate your points and I have to say you must be one freaking strong human being to have endured as you have. So I don’t know the answers. But I do know that we need people like you in this world. I feel you are the glue that will keep us together as humans.
Pretty annoyed that this came up as a result on Google. There is such a thing as rational suicide and some of us do not want to be forced into living a life of constant pain to alleviate others’ guilt: their grace in allowing us a peaceful death would be much less selfish. Instead we have to choose between living in constant pain or taking the risk and indignity of using brutal unpredictable methods as well as the possibility of surviving a suicide with an even worse physical or mental disability.
Thank you for speaking your truth, Sylvia. I think there are a number of those who struggle who feel as you do. And some who really want to tell and get help. In a book I just wrote for the education market with a researcher, she suggested we remove the “irrational” qualifier as part of the explanation for just the reasons you explained. I appreciate your commenting.
BEING ALIVE SUCKS.
Ava- I’m so sorry. What is it about life that sucks for you right now?
No shit. Like I need extra guilt right now. Shame on you – using your son as some kinda cross to carry for attention. Even the tag you used shows your character. Shameful. How about supporting right to die so people don’t need to die alone. You damned well had chance to know if son was in pain- you hose to ignore. Now you post videos and public speak to get ur attention. Big surprise. So many people like you it turns my stomach
Can I help you in any way?
I also don’t think it is fair to criticise Anne for her attempts to make a difference, her intentions are good and if they help one person then her efforts are worth it.
Sylvia- That’s so thoughtful of you to say. Thank you.
Sylvia, I agree with you. I have been living in mental anguish 24×7 for over 2 years. I am so tired of meds, and trivial therapy efforts. Without going into details of my situation, I simply want to exit, peacefully. I have tried to exit dozens of times in the last 2 years, but can’t. The methods are so brutal, and the risk of surviving so scary. Those who want us to live, are well intentioned, but they don’t understand how much suffering they perpetuate by not understanding us. I, like you, just want to exit. We’re not interested in going on. I am certainly not. I’m not going to magically get better, and I don’t want to work at trying to get better. I am a mature adult, and I just want the dignity and compassion of others, to understand and support my choice, whether they agree with it or not. Now, I am go out one more time, to try and end things through a most unimaginably brutal method. I have done this hundreds of times in the last 2 years, to no avail. This is not living, this is hell. Prevention and help for those suffering should continue, but also respect, compassion, and dignity should be extended to those who want out. There’s no future for me that I will look back on these days, and say “wow, that was close”. I wish others could understand this. You’re not alone. Prevention efforts are good, but not for everyone, and not for an indefinite period of time.
Judith- I’m so sorry it’s this brutal and it sounds as if it’s worn you down over the years. I have learned not to pass judgment and I only wish I could sit with you and share some of the burdens of your pain. I can’t possibly understand how this feels day after day. While I’ve had moments of extreme pain and certainly losing my own child to suicide was agony for many years, it isn’t the same and I don’t pretend it is. Thank you for commenting.
Sometimes all the help, love, and support in the world are not enough to heal a heart in so much pain and a mind that is already dead.
I remember telling myself and my suicide loss support group that we wish our love was enough to prevent suicide. Thinking it does illustrates a complete misunderstanding of what suicide is.
I am so sorry the pain is that intense and it has to be unbearable. But you were able to type out this message and that alone is pretty remarkable that you’d be struggling like you were or are and managed to do that. What do you think triggered this attack of brain pain? And are you here today?
I’m here today, (that was so hard to type out without breaking down). I can’t say it’s a single thing there’s been so much thorough out my life that each and every day has become a struggle to keep breathing from beyond the tight grip on my throat and soul. Thank you for your time and words they kept me going one more day when all I wanted to do was let go of all the pain.
I’m so grateful and honored you came back to update me. I knew it had to be hard to write while in suicidal intensity. As much as you hurt, your words and how you express yourself is so beautiful. “I can’t say it’s a single thing there’s been so much thorough out my life that each and every day has become a struggle to keep breathing from beyond the tight grip on my throat and soul.” I hope you write more and I will say that when you are in pain, sometimes that’s when your best work happens. Given that you have some ambivalence about dying, would you be willing to tell a friend about how you feel?
I need help.
Tell me how I can help.
I need help. Always bad thoughts in my head, I want to survive, want to live
I am here Celia. We were without power due to the storm here. Let me know how I can help or describe what you are feeling. You aren’t alone. I will answer
I don’t know what to say but everyday I’m sad, I always want to cry. I feel like people not take me serious. I feel like I’m dumb and idiot. I just want to disappear
Oh Celia. It must feel awful. I’m so sorry. You sound like you are in a deep state of depression. I think it’s important you talk to someone, a trusted adult. Can you tell someone at school? And there is a crisis text line 741-741 if you are in USA or Canada. How long have you felt this way?
It’s been many years that I’m like that and I can’t escape. Nobody really loves me. I have nobody to talk to. I wanna disappear but I don’t want to hurt my mom, she’s the only person who really love me, she will do anything for me so I’m staying but it’s very hard. I’m always thinking about killing myself.
Tell me more about your mom. Since I am a mom myself I’d like to know what you feel makes her special? She must be pretty awesome.
I know that my mom will die for me. She always so kind, lovely, affectionate with me. I know she loves me. She always want to help me, make me smile but I don’t know why I reject her sometimes. Maybe because I just want to be alone, I’m exhausted. I don’t know I’m weird