I have a son that just hit 2 years clean

by Anonymous Mom in North Carolina

2 years clean and sober

I know they can go back, with triggers and all the other life stuff he can easily go back!

It’s a nightmare being a mother worrying with daily fear of where my son is and if he is safe–with sleep deprivation and riding the roads at night! I don’t know why one child survives and another one doesn’t, but I do know when everyone was telling me to kick my son out because of his behavior– stealing from us and raging with every lie why he needed money!

I just couldn’t.

I cried, pleaded, prayed for almost ten years.  I thought I was losing my mind! I got a call from Chapel Hill and he had been taken there from rehab with serious fever and kidney infection. It went into his heart and there was talk about loosing a kidney and then valve replacement going in the left ventricle!

A total of 117 days in rehab, two hospitals, a nursing home for intense antibiotic treatment through IV, and then learning he had a felony charge to deal with when he gets out. He still has one more year probation.

I thought I was a good mother

I still blame myself that I could have done something. His doctor in Chapel Hill told me he would be dead if I hadn’t prayed, loved him and pleaded for help!

Maybe almost dying and being so sick for so long helped him. Drug addiction is very haunting and I live in fear of relapse any day.

I am not allowed to mention our situation because of the “shame.” My husband and son won’t permit it! It still haunts me, waking in the night and terror of those days. I’m sure that must be common feelings with some family members.

I still have so may worries and no one to talk to! It’s forbidden, if you know what I mean! There are times I didn’t know where he was, there are times the whole family was fighting and everyone avoided each other because I was so frantic!

All I know is everyone , including psychologist told me to kick him out and let him hit “rock bottom!” I couldn’t , but I know it has been the answer for others! I just wanted him close so I could check on him! I had a naloxone kit given to me when I contacted the north carolina harm coalition I saw on FB! I gave him to carry also because his girlfriend overdosed at least 3 times! The police took it away when they got stopped! Thank you!

Anne Moss. Your stories are so important to me, I wish you could print them all out and have them published “memoirs of the hell of addiction.” I hope you find all Charles’ songs and include them as well.

Sometimes we can’t understand, and I don’t think we ever will but I admire your courage and I know your precious Charles would be proud of how you are helping others, just from reading his songs you shared, tells us he was in over his head and he was unhappy with addiction. It can help others knowing the grief and you are very admired for sharing!

Anyway a book, if you haven’t already started would be something I think I would do to get the message out there! Mother to mother, I am proud of your strength and courage!

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

6 thoughts on “I have a son that just hit 2 years clean”

  1. Anonymous Mom in North Carolina,

    Those feelings are familiar to me. Even when my son was clean, it was tense wondering how long that would last. I am glad that you were able to find this outlet for your fears and concerns. We stand with you, praying that your son has continued success and your family can find some peace.

  2. Thank you, NC Mom, for sharing YOUR story. I hope it has been helpful to you — I know it will be helpful to others. I pray your son will continue on his journey of sobriety and that, over time, all of you find peace. ❤️

  3. Anonymous Mom in NC I am so sorry you’re having to walk thru this alone. I know all about living day to day ‘white knuckling’ living on the edge of my seat and constantly holding my breath …waiting and fearing… . My worst fear did occur but I pray yours does not. I live in Va. if you feel comfortable you could inbox me from time to time for support. I remember how hard it was. I’ll never forget. I’m on FB if you’d like support …

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