You relapsed

You feel shame and you’re hiding it from your family because you know they will be hurt. They are tired of it. You are tired of it.

In all honesty, you can’t figure out how you got back to this place. All you know is that you have to feed that monster called addiction. Now. It just pulls you back into that same ugly pattern. Lying to you over and over and over again, making you do things the real you would never do.

So familiar. So miserable.

You don’t want to be in this place at all. You think about reaching out, then change your mind. You even contemplate killing yourself like my son did. This is such agony and you just want to be done with it all. 

Stop right there 

Your family still loves you even though you relapsed.

You think they don’t because they cut you off. That’s because they now understand that giving you money or otherwise aiding you blocks your recovery. They also can’t bear watching you self destruct and can no longer get sucked into the chaos known as addiction because it’s killing them emotionally. 

You are angry because you see it as rejection and abandonment. How could they do this? 

The truth is, they can’t do anything until you help yourself. They aren’t doing this to you, your own mind is.

You are not your disease

I have seen people rise from points so low no one ever thought they would survive. They have become amazing, grateful people. You could be one of these people.  

I hope there will be something in your brain that clicks and says, “I have had enough.” None of us knows what triggers that. I wish we did. 

If you have made it this long you are strong, and lucky

It’s a kick ass disease. What you have survived thus far is a miracle and it must mean something. 

Don’t cheat us out of what you can contribute. Who you are or could become. There is just one life. Just one you. There will never be another like you. Ever. Cling to it with everything you’ve got. For yourself. For your family. 

Help us help you help yourself. Your soul is rooting for you. We are rooting for you.  

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Dear Heroin, I F-ing HATE you!

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

5 thoughts on “You relapsed”

  1. The day we finally laid down the law to our son we told him it’s your choice; go back to treatment again or get out of our house. He tricked his dad into driving him to a friend’s but then ended his life by jumping out of the speeding truck, onto the highway! Wish I had a do over!

    1. Me too! My son begged for help. Drugs complicate the issue. I know dozens of families who have done what you did and their kids are now thriving. It’s a deadly illness and they have to want help.

  2. I read an article today. .referred to relapse in three successive stages..lapse, relapse and collapse…we lose many of our loved one’s during this collapse stage…awful rainy day today..my son out there somewhere in Richmond on this miserable cold rainy horrible day…called his father..’i need some dry clothes’…left a message at home ‘can i come sit on the patio and get some dry clothes’….once i again i will pack a bag with dry clothes and pray that my HP helps me knowing my only child, my son who is in so much pain is wet, cold and homeless…again…what is his bottom…painfully I believe he may die ftom what yhe drugs have done to his body and not an overdose..he was to have gone to a sober house dec 1st..the healing place sunday. .what to believe…thank u Anne..i can post and be real…

    1. I was thinking about you when I wrote this. Your family’s journey was my inspiration. I remember being at the grocery store thinking, “I wonder if my child is hungry? How is he getting food?” It’s a terrible place to be. Just terrible. I, too, have cringed thinking about B out there today. If it’s this hard for me…..

  3. Beautiful, Anne Moss. I pray those struggling with addiction will read your words and find hope. And I pray their families will find the strength and wisdom they need to love and help. So very tough…

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