by Abby
There is something that’s been weighing on me lately. I was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago, and it got better for a while but it recently started to come back. I keep having thoughts that everyone would be happier without me, and unfortunately, it’s starting to seem more and more true every day.
I’m on the autism spectrum so it’s already hard to deal with a world that wasn’t built for someone like me, but feeling like this all the time makes it harder.
I keep having a hard time at work and disappointing my boss, my coworkers, and my customers. I had someone call me dumb over the phone, and another person told me the company was better before I joined it. People will tell me that this is just reality, but it’s hard constantly being told the same thing, that you’re dumb and socially inept, especially when it’s because of something you can’t always control. And on top of that, I have to constantly do manual labor while fighting endometriosis pain. I also have to keep pretending that I know how to interact with people when honestly I have no idea. It’s the kind of job that pretty much anyone could do. I have a college degree and this is where it led me. And it doesn’t seem to matter how many of my problems I fix. Just when I think I have it right, I always turn out to be wrong.
I keep trying to reach out but it seems like no one cares or understands except for my therapist. I’m too scared to tell my parents because I don’t want them to worry. I tried telling my friends but they have their own problems to worry about and I don’t want to burden them any more than I already have. Besides, my best friend’s life is finally starting to get better, and after all the garbage she’s been through, I don’t want to make her life any harder. She deserves a lot better than someone like me. She deserves a real friend that can actually function.
I just feel like the harder I try to live, the worse things get for both me and everyone else. I’ve tried praying but it feels like God isn’t there anymore or like I’m being punished or something. I’m losing interest in things that I used to love, and my life is just starting to feel more and more pointless. I just feel like the longer I live is a bigger chance for me to hurt someone I love, so maybe leaving would be the best thing for all of them.
Am I scared to do it? Absolutely. I’m not even sure I want to. But I feel like I have to or else I’m being selfish.
I’m going to see my therapist tomorrow and he says I should try and be kinder to myself, but it’s really hard. I feel like I’m just constantly letting everyone down and no matter how hard I try, things just keep getting worse. I keep thinking that now matter how much they think they’ll miss me, in the end it’s better this way because now they won’t have me holding them back. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. But sometimes I feel like I deserve it.
Abby, your message touches me deeply. I am the mom of 2 autistic sons, They, like you are treasures. And they have struggled with deep pain.
I’m so relieved that you have the courage and writing ability to share your experience.
Yes, tell your therapist when you aren’t feeling that life is worth it. Tell us, those who care.
Only in recent years have we really begun to understand more and more about autism. Truly a broad spectrum and so much to still learn. Your sharing helps others.
There are a number of very supportive autism groups. I follow several adults on the spectrum on YouTube and find their channels to be eye opening and very welcoming.
I will share a message with you that my yoga teacher says during every yoga class…do your best and let that be enough. And your best changes from hour to hour and day to day. Do your best and let that be enough.
Hugs from my heart, Jude
Abby, my heart breaks for you. As a parent, I can tell you that you know when your child is hurting, but are helpless unless that child starts to open up and talk. You are not a burden to your family and friends. None of us can do this alone. I have always felt that when I can’t feel God, my friends are prayer warriors who then take up the slack. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please reach out to your parents and friends and thank you for the courage to share your story.