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I miss my boy

charles aubrey rogers died by suicide

This time of year, I move a little slower while every one else speeds up. I annoy easier, struggle to concentrate, and the grief is more pronounced.

This will be my fifth holiday since my son, Charles’, suicide. I’m not mulling over regrets or wondering why I missed the signs.

I just ache.

Even the Christmas carols drain my spirits. What’s more, I resent them. How does one get mad at a bunch of happy, peppy songs? But it feels they are ganging up on me, assaulting my senses and trying to force me to be merry and bright when I feel dull and sluggish. How dare they do that.

This is probably the time of year when I should do more giving back because that does help. But I find my energy isn’t up to the task. There are too many steps for me to carry out.

So do me a favor if you would. Do remember someone this season who has lost a loved one. Pay special attention to them, give them a bit more TLC, ask about the person they lost.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

11 thoughts on “I miss my boy”

  1. I miss mine too Anne-Moss. December 20 will be year 7. We have a huge gathering on his day, whether I feel like it or not. It takes a lot of time and money, but so far it has worked. I am too tired and worn out by Christmas to get completely grief stricken. It’s just a day. But it’s amazing how the rest of the family, wants everything to be just as it always has. Since we have 6 less days this year, I am in a tizzy to get it all done, and I’m wondering how I will feel on Christmas. We shall see.
    And like I have told you in the past, the people that ask about him and send messages and cards and call me, are NOT my “closest” friends…..

    1. Isn’t that odd that your closest don’t ask about him. I’m sorry about that. I’m going to bet they are thinking of him. It just must not be protocol for a particular set of people.

  2. I’m 6months in to the life sentence I have received with my sons suicide. He was 16 when died on May 25, 2019.
    I’m experiencing so many emotions, especially with the holidays approaching. I think this book may help me in so many ways.
    Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sending you ans your family prayers and hugs.

    1. I promise you it softens over time. The process is painful and not short but there are ways to manage it and cope. I had some small strategies at first just to make it from one day to the next. I remember having lunch with a new friend who had lost her son about seven years prior to my son’s death and marveled at the fact that she was working and functioning. That gave me hope that some day I would be too.

    2. Juleigh, I am so sorry you are a member of our tribe. Anne-Moss is right, it does soften. But I did not believe that for a good long while. Thinking of you this Christmas. It’s hard to believe that Christmas will happen anyway, after what has happened in your life, right? You take care and lean on whatever support group you have. And this blog is a wonderful support group itself…❤️

  3. I promise I absolutely will do this, Anne Moss. I would love to have a cup of tea with you one day soon. And I would feel honored to hear more about your dear son, Charles. Did he like when it snowed? Did he have a favorite cookie? Did he ever write a holiday rap song with lyrics that made you laugh? If these are answered in your book then please know that I am stuck on chapter 1 for now. That will shift soon. I’m realizing perhaps this should be a private email. But then I thought, why? Sending you heart hugs always. If you only knew how often you are in my thoughts.

  4. I met you Saturday at the Bizarre Bizarre in Richmond. Finally someone nailed exactly how I feel. I wasn’t able to put my feelings into thoughts, other than I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I want to run away from Christmas and all of the holiday cheer. Christmas used to be my absolute favorite holiday…not anymore. I just want my Kyle back.

    1. That’s exactly how it feels. I promise the grief softens over time. But the holidays are painful still. And probably always will be. Thank you for stopping by. You had just lost your son this past spring right?

      1. Yes mam, my world came to a complete stop March 28th, 2019, and all who loved him will never be the same.

        1. They call that the ripple effect. How a death by suicide makes so many feel responsible. And it’s such a shocking end. You just protect your kid from some much and you never think you have to protect them from the enemy in their own head.

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