I remember telling my children this. “If you have had too much to drink, I will come get you and I won’t ask questions.” And I followed through with that.
But when Charles wanted me to come get him in that last phone call, although he didn’t literally say, “come get me,” I didn’t. At first this was a huge boulder to carry and I punished myself constantly for it. And while I have forgiven myself, it will always sting.
The disease of addiction and all of its chaos scrambled my brain. The fear of the disease consumed me and made me catatonic. It was literally my worst nightmare and so overwhelming I shut down. I would have bounced back, gotten educated but I simply was not there yet as it was all too new and I had not yet adjusted.
The bills had also consumed us and now we were facing thousands and thousands more which left me feeling even more helpless since the bank account was not filling itself. I had sold everything I knew to sell but still came up short. I let my fear of failure in my own self overcome me. That’s what addiction does to moms and dads. It’s very hard to separate the emotion from the events happening because their life depends on making the right decision. And even the right one can be wrong and result in death.
I didn’t go get him. And it took me years to figure out why I didn’t follow through on that promise.