58 second video
We think we can tell. From the outside. The truth is, teenagers are masters at hiding their depression. And their thoughts of suicide.
Nobody was funnier and more engaging. Charles always looked like he was having the time of his life. Yet inside, was another story. Inside he was eaten up with thoughts of suicide from middle school on.
I know because I have some of his rap lyrics that I call his rap diaries. They tell me things I didn’t know before. Sobering but a gift. It gives me insight. And not just insight about how Charles felt but I feel like a lot of it represents how others have felt, too. That’s why others loved his words so much because they expressed how he felt.
There are times these songs hail me as the best mom ever and other times he is angry with me. Or his Dad. We were not perfect. In the book I have finished (for now anyway) I didn’t edit his music nor did I take songs out that made me look bad. It’s all in there. Because the portrait has to include the things we did right and that we did wrong. And as a co-author, Charles needed to have his side presented, too.
Mostly, his songs revealed his darkness, self loathing and shame for having become addicted. And then some show an uncanny amount of self awareness.
One thing’s for sure. I didn’t see it coming. The suicide I mean. Because from the outside, Charles looked like he loved life.