Petrified heart—#griefheart number 285

Petrified is how I felt during the last phone call with Charles that I could not figure out. Petrified is how I felt when I heard the news of his suicide. Not petrified like preserved. But literally scared as shit.

Scared of facing such an insurmountable loss. Fear of what was previously unknown to me. Grief from a loss by suicide is not something that is regularly discussed. Hell, grief in general and death is rarely discussed. Too morbid a topic. Yet it happens to all of us.

I am no longer afraid of the topic. My heart might hurt but that fear part is now gone. The shock I suffered at first comes every once in a while in brief jolts. I don’t think you ever get used to being the parent that lost a child to suicide. Not really. No matter how many times you think it or say it, there is this surreal quality to it. That child you once held in your arms. The one you taught to read and potty trained. The one that hugged you and thought you were the center of the universe took his own life.

I think no matter how many clues we have before a suicide, it’s so hard to fathom our child could do that. So how the hell do we really expect to have caught on before it happened? Something so unbelievable.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here. Contact me if you want to honor and remember your loved one who died by suicide or from addiction.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.


Love you this much – #griefheart number 165

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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