I almost took my own life-the aftermath

by Tammie Ozolins

Tammy is in the center

It remember it so clearly. It was during my college years and I had been out drinking with my friends, a weekend routine back then. I ended up feeling very depressed. I had been on an antidepressant but I still drank and my boyfriend and I got into a fight that night.

I cannot remember what it was about but I remember feeling like I had had enough. I didn’t like myself back then. In my eyes, nothing was right–not my hair, my body or my intelligence.  In my eyes I had to be perfect!

I just felt like my life was not getting better

It was, in fact, getting worse.

That night I came home all upset with tears streaming down my face, make-up running down my face, just like you see in the movies. I was a hot mess and I decided I was disappointing everyone–my family, friends, boyfriend, and myself. I was done!

So  I went into my parent’s cabinet and looked for any medication I could find and took a handful and swallowed them all. And then I sat on the kitchen floor and cried again. At the same time, I had a sense of peace, because I knew my life was going to be over and the pain would be gone!

I had hidden all these dark feelings from my family and friends. This was not the first time I had had thoughts of taking my own life. While I was in that moment of intense emotional pain thinking of suicide,  I actually thought it would be OK to end my life because I had saved some money for my own funeral. I thought if I took that financial stress off my family then maybe they would not miss me as much.

On this particular night, I had followed through with it. After talking the pills, I went to my bedroom, changed into my PJs and I remember the room was spinning and I had to lay on the bed. I laid on my back and I was looking up at the ceiling and I was thinking to myself, yes I am going to be dead. Then I felt sick to my stomach and then all of a sudden…boom, the room went black and I was out.

Suicide is not a solution

I’m not sure how much time passed but I woke up and had one of the worst hangovers ever. The first thing I thought was, “I am too dumb to even kill myself!” But then I thought, “Wow, I tried to take my own life last night.”

Then it really sunk in and all these emotions came over me.

I started to cry because I was upset. It was actually a cry of relief because I did not die. I was alive! It was weird but it also scared the crap out of me. How could I do that? I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted to end the pain.

After that attempt, I knew I needed more professional help, so I went and sought counseling and spent 5 days in the hospital. This is where I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder.

This attempt actually put things in perspective for me although I would not suggest this as a way to “find yourself.” There are healthier ways.  I actually had feelings of guilt as well–like how could I have done this to my family and friends? How could I have kept this as a secret for so long?

I know now that it is OK to ask for help and I know when to seek it. I also realize I would  have missed out on so much and I appreciate life. I am not alone in this.

I grew as a person, realized suicide was not a solution and grew stronger. I cherish my family and friends more than ever before. Because that’s what matters most. I have been able to make more memories with them which would be impossible if I were not here. And I actually started to enjoy life more.

None of this happened overnight

It has taken years to get to this point and I started by taking baby steps.

Mental Illness is not an easy thing to deal with, but please remember you are never alone in this. I used to hate when people would say, “It will be OK. It will pass, just hang on.” But you know what ? I have finally realized that they’re right. And as corny as it may seem, there is truly a rainbow at the end.

I am so glad and so grateful I have been able to embrace change and be productive in my life. Because I now know my life has meaning.

Despite my bipolar disorder, I’ve been able to hold down a job

8 thoughts on “I almost took my own life-the aftermath”

  1. Tammy, Thank God you survived. Your story gives hope to those who can’t see a future for themselves. We are all so hard on ourselves.

  2. You have so much courage…….I’m sorry you had to go through so much darkness but so happy that you are where you are now. You have made such a positive impact on so many people, especially our children. Hugs to you!

  3. And we are so glad you survived and embraced change. Wow, thank you Tammie for bravely sharing this part of your life story with us. You might not ever know the number of lives you helped and even saved. Hugs to you!! 💕

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