by Jenny
I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s an endless mind suck, full of chaos and pain. But, I do. I feel so ashamed that all I wish for is death.
When I speak up, I feel safe for a short while, but like a yo-yo, it snaps right back
I know all the right things to say, and there are times when it’s just easier to say those “right” things so as not to stress or upset someone, even the therapist.
I instinctively back down, afraid I am draining them, afraid I will somehow be punished (to me that means dragged to the ER, and placed on a locked unit). I feel so ashamed of how I feel, and the burden it puts on the person I reach out to.
I worry so much about the other person that I can’t ever say exactly what I’m thinking, so I minimize, hide behind wordplay, smile, and just say, “I’m fine,” “It’s okay,” “I’m safe.”
No matter how loud and how dark the mind gets, I always back down. Does it change the thoughts, the plans, or how I feel? No.
But I stay another hour, another day, another week
Alone in that dark, loud, painful place. The reality is, I’ve tried before, and I walk along this isolating path knowing that one trip, one stumble off this path might be the last trip, the last stumble.
I know the coping skills, and I actively use them often.
I just truly wish that someone could just sit with me in those moments, and just know, without the words, those exhausting words, “‘I’m struggling, I want to die.” Not talk me out of it, not give platitudes, not give advice, not tell me how good life can be… just sit with me, in that space. Just hold on to me while I work through it.
Words are temporary, but your time, and your physical presence are life-saving and far more meaningful than the words.
Handouts, that suicide awareness speaker, AnneMoss Rogers has for handouts at events focused on suicide.
I just want to go to sleep and not wake up
Oh man I have heard that very line so many times. I hope it helps to have written it and have someone hear you and sit with you in your pain. Is there anything specific driving the thoughts?
I know how that feels, sometimes I think it would be easier that way as our natural instincts prevent us from going through with it, but when you’re asleep, there’s no fighting it. I’ve struggled with ‘Chronic Suicidality’ since I was 13 & the best way I can describe living with it is that my body fights to survive while my mind tries to die.
That’s a good way to describe it and have others understand. No one asks for suicidal thoughts.
I wish I could make them go away 😢
I know. I wish that too. Some people tell me they have them and then they do go away. I am not sure why it happens to some and not to others.
I have sent you a message on instagram going more in depth about what I think has been making them worse.
Thank you for trying to help me.
Absolutely. I’m honored. It’s not like you asked for thoughts of suicide or ever wanted them.
I am so tired today. I am curled up in bed with my plan. I hope I have the strength to carry it out today. I can’t tell anyone around me because they’ll try to stop me.
All I can say is that I hope to hear from you.
Sorry for being so much. I know that someone talking about suicide doesn’t mean they’re just talk and won’t. For me, it is hopeful because there’s still a chance for someone to change my mind. But maybe silence is worse because maybe they’ve decided so gone silent.
I will admit I was waiting and hoping for your reply. So I am relieved to hear from you and thank you for writing. 🙂
I did choose to be in this space so don’t worry about me. I have a huge toolbox of coping strategies and know that I can’t control another. All I can do is listen, respond and if possible, help someone save their own life.
I will say that far more who have come here have survived than have not. And probably one of the most perilous was a woman from the UK who wrote to me for 6 years and then one day things switched and she wrote, “I’m so glad to be alive.”
It was touch and go for a long time but she had good periods even during that time.
I guess after meeting so many who were in a dark place and later found a way to live with it, diminish it or just didn’t have the thoughts again and told me they were so glad they’d stuck it out, I decided I could at least do my part to the best of my ability.
I don’t know what type(s) of music you listen to, but are you familiar with Citizen Soldier? They write a lot of songs that really resonate with me and my struggles.
That’s a really good coping strategy. My son wrote songs for those who struggled as he did. I didn’t understand that at first. I do now.
I wake up in the morning thinking about suicide. I distract for moments during the day but every little thing brings it right back up. I struggle to fall asleep thinking about it. I wake in the night thinking about it.
Boy I wish I could give you a dose of something to boost your head out of that awful hamster wheel of a thought process. I’m so sorry. That really sucks. I wonder why some brains get stuck in that pattern and others don’t? Such a mystery. So it’s persistent then.
Yes, it wears down my resistance. All I want is peace. All I want is to die.
I can understand it. Going it alone though. Doesn’t it make it harder? It always does for me but I would like to know how the experience is for you.
It does make it harder but 1) I don’t end up in the hospital and 2) I’m not too much for everyone and get rejected/abandoned.
I want a way that won’t hurt my husband, but I know that doesn’t exist. But it feels like something I have to do.
I hear this a lot. But no one has ever made it so clear. So I am paraphrasing below.
I don’t want to tell because:
1) I don’t end up in the hospital
2) I’m not too much for everyone and get rejected/abandoned.
So I want to break down #1 because #2 is going to be a prevalent thought for you even if there is no evidence. It seems to be a mindset for those who struggle with suicidal thoughts.
If we could find a way to tell someone without ending up in the hospital. One, it can be harder to get into a mental hospital these days than to get into Harvard. And is there a way to spend less time? (like half day for treatment) instead of going long term. I’m not sure where you are. And there is cost involved. (Always right?)
What are you willing to do? Visit a group? NAMI Peer support group? They usually know the ins and outs of the system better than anyone. https://www.nami.org/program/nami-connection/
Does your therapists have other road maps for suicidal thoughts that don’t involve long hospital stays?
I’m sorry the hospitals are so “institutional.” They do lack warmth for the most part.
I went to a NAMI group some before we moved, but there isn’t one in my state now unfortunately.
I spent most of last week in bed because of severe fatigue. I have felt a little better the last two days which has given me at least a little reprieve from the contast crush, but I still want to. I have the energy to today before the fatigue comes back.
Thank you for listening and for all the advice. I appreciate it more than you know.
If you are in a rural area, they will have support groups in the state that are online. I am glad to hear you have been before. I do know from what others tell me how hard it is to have the energy to seek out a group when you are just so worn out. My friend Tammy has bipolar II and she runs a group but she told me that it took everything she had to find help. She said it was like lifting a giant concrete slab.
I’m relieved to hear you have a little relief even if it’s not complete. This time of year is pretty bad for those who struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts.
And you are welcome my dear. I appreciate your trust and openness. Your comments and trust mean as a lot to me, too. 🙂
I’m angry at myself for hesitating. I feel pressure to be well and ok. I’m not ok and don’t know how to make myself better. I imagine my husband finding me, and I hesitate, but I have to go. I can’t take this anymore. Sorry for bothering you. Thank you for listening.
Hesitation is absolutely normal and natural and I am grateful for your natural instincts. They are still strong which gives me hope even if you are not feeling it. Which I get.
You are not “bothering me.” It is the generous sharing from people like you that helped me understand my son’s death by suicide. How it can be so persistent and wear you down.
There is also a guy online on youtube named Kevin Hines (also a speaker) who lives with suicidal thoughts. He has two other friends who struggle in the same way. (Lots of times people meet each other in support groups.) Anyway, they help each other in times of crisis. Check in twice a week and so on. So while therapy and a safety plan are good things, it helps to have people to turn to who totally get it. People whom you’d confide in without hesitation. I will be honest. I feel honored you trust me. 🙂
I wish I had someone to sit with me through it tonight – again. I have it all worked out in my head. I don’t really want to. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I’ve been here too many times, and I don’t know what else to do anymore.
I hear you. It sounds like it wears you down. But I am listening. I wish I could sit with you.
I hope my family will understand how hard I’ve fought.
Are you still feeling suicidal? Does your family know? And since you mentioned them, who in your family are you closest to? (Lots of questions. sorry)
Don’t be sorry. I don’t mind answering. I still very much want to. I woke up at 3am and wanted to, but I was afraid I would make too much noise and cause our dogs to wake my husband. He is the one I’m closest too. I do love him but can’t go on like this. He and my counselor know I’m struggling but don’t know I have everything ready.
Would you be willing to tell one of them? Sometimes that helps alleviate what is crowded in your head. Your counselor would want to know. The counselors who’ve lost a patient ask me all the time, “why didn’t she just tell me?”
Sometimes there are efforts they can take to jump start your brain out of a dangerous thought process. For example, some respond to ketamine treatments and others to ECT. Your brain is stuck right now in this darkness and probably needs help boosting out of it. (I call it a jump start like a car battery.) I only mention this because you said earlier that you didn’t want to die. It sounds like you just want to stop that pain and its insisting voice that is so hard to fight. And there are some emergency treatments that work for many. I hope you are OK with my mentioning these.
I don’t mind you mentioning them. I actually had some ketamine treatments at the end of last year. They were helpful for a while. I probably need a booster but can’t afford to yet.
I don’t want to tell them because I don’t want to end up in the hospital again.
I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
I think you ask yourself, what would hurt more? You dead? Or trying to support you to prevent death? I do know which one I’d want and I’d want to support you more than I’d want to find you dead. Would you deal with a heart attack on your own? Nope. This is a brain attack. That, too, is a major organ.
So many times an ER will do an emergency one-time Ketamine treatment to boost you out of danger without a hospital stay (maybe a day). And often that’s covered differently than multiple treatments. But that depends and I’m no expert. I understand your not wanting to stay at the hospital.
So what if you were to ask your therapist what other options were available should you hypothetically feel suicidal again? Get her to find out some other options to present to you. That way you’re not admitting to squat. You just wonder, since you’ve struggled in the past, what other options there might be just in case for your safety plan. Push her to find more options. Surely she has lots of patients who struggle and she needs to know if she doesn’t already. We can’t all rely on the one go-to but we need to be cognizant of what the patient wants. And a lot of people don’t want to be in a sterile hospital.
Is it not a shame that we have to think about cost in this situation? F-ing drives me crazy. I went through that with my son. But I won’t get started on that right now. I’m focused on you.
I didn’t tell her I’ve completely worked out a plan, but I told my counselor more, and yes, she almost had me sent to the hospital.
I just want them to let me go. I’m too much trouble, and I’m not getting better.
And I agree about costs. Where I live most therapists don’t take insurance. You have to file yourself to get reimbursed, and the insurance companies drag their feet. It makes me feel like such a burden.
The insurance thing is really awful and I’m sorry with so much pain you have to deal with that, too. Just know that feelings change. I can’t say it will get better or worse or anything but I can say it will change. And I also notice that sometimes you want to go and other times you don’t want to go so your feelings change on the subject. But telling her more is good. And you can tell her just enough that she can’t do anything rash and she might find some more solutions for you that are more palatable. Keep talking. I’m listening. And if you need to start another thread that’s OK
Thank you Anne for shining a light again into a very dark place. Although my treasured son Dom did ultimately go on to take his life, he shared many times, over many years, that he had been feeling suicidal. I do draw comfort from knowing that he felt able to share these moments with me. At the time I felt so hopeless, seeing him so unhappy. It has taken his death to realise that, although I hadn’t realised it, just by giving him the chance to put down the mask, I was helping him.
What a lovely realization in a tough situation, Esther. Thank you for your commentary.
Adam’s Story, stands with you and your family AnneMoss, through the highs and lows of mental health education, the everyday battle to reach an broken society with so much pain and suffering. Our mission is the same to promote awareness on the depths of despair, discuss the advantages of reaching out in compassion and thoughtfulness, educating others on all the tools available today that when used with unconditional love and understanding, can help an individual make it through another day here with us.
I appreciate your comment