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mask to hid the pain

I just want to die

Note from AnneMoss: I have heard back from Devin and for now he is safe. If you struggle with thoughts of suicide, the USA Suicide Prevention Lifelines is 988, and the USA/Canada Crisis Text Line is 741-741. USA Warmlines are for nonemergencies but in case you need to talk.

by Devin

I’m a father to two adult children and 1 preteen and have been married for 22 years to the love of my life who ironically is an RN at a mental health facility.

I’m a correctional officer at a prison and I guess the vibes I deal with 14-16 hours a day are just too much. It’s a very depressing and demanding job.

I love my wife and kids to the moon and back but I’m just not happy and I’m tired of pretending.. it’s just so hard.

I’m very motivational on TikTok and Instagram and make thousands of people happy. I’ve actually saved 3 lives of kids wanting to end it all and they messaged me and I talked them down but I can’t even talk myself down. I’m waiting until after my son’s birthday.

I hope I don’t cause people the pain you go through.. thanks for letting me vent even tho you probably will never see this.

6 thoughts on “I just want to die”

  1. Devin,

    It was hard seeing your name here because I lost my son, Devin, to suicide and I had a moment wishing it was him writing in. He also didn’t want pain for us, his family, but also was in pain himself.

    I can tell you from this side of suicide that anything that you can change to feel less pain, you should do. There will be no escaping the pain of loss for your family. They love you and have hopes and dreams of a future with you in it.

    Change your job. You’ve done your time. Get something simpler, less expensive to your mental health. It’s going to cost your life and it just isn’t worth it. Now is the time to focus on what you need, and your family’s needs. Even if quitting makes your life harder temporarily and you lose everything you worked so hard for, you will be able to build again and most importantly you will be here.

    I used to think about suicide all the time because I was lonely. When I found my son dead because of his loneliness, I realized how important the breath of life is and how temporary the pain is (even though I am more lonely now), and how permanent death is. I wish we could have talked about it but now we never can. Please don’t make the same mistake.

    Nothing is worth all that pain and there is help.

  2. Devin,
    I’m sorry for the pain you feel and whatever else has happened in life to bring you to wanting to die. I can empathize because I was there once. I am a mom of 3, and a nurse too! 41 long years now. In my second marriage of 5 years. My first ended after being together 17 years and then dragging it out for a six-year separation. It was when my youngest was 9. I hit my own Great Depression.
    I know now that I’ve suffered with depression for most of my life… Since a teenager after I suffered abuse from a step parent. But in 2005 and 2006, I hit an all-time low. I wanted to die because I felt a failure, and that after the pain was over, my children and remaining family would be better off without me.

    I went to therapists and I took medication, but nothing helped. I wanted to end the pain and all the fear I held inside. I wanted to stop feeling hopeless.
    The only people that knew where my therapist and I think my mom. I look back and can still recognize how deeply sad I was, scared, and felt a complete failure despite everything I had fought through. I remember the day sitting in my therapist office, where I was frozen and couldn’t move. I knew that if I killed myself at that point, it would absolutely devastate my children and I came to the knowledge that their pain would not end and I would only be making their lives worse, I couldn’t do it even though I wanted to end the pain so badly. I voluntarily admitted myself into a hospital. It was the only thing I felt I hadn’t done yet to try to help myself. I wasn’t optimistic and I still felt desperate.

    It wasn’t easy to struggle through those next few years… And I still struggle with depression. But I clung to the words of others, telling me how much they loved me and how important I was to them, clung to the hope that that was true, despite how I felt about myself. I clung to my knowledge that in loving my children so much I could not do that to them, and I had to force myself to get “better”. Whatever better was.

    I can just tell you that you are deeply loved, and that you do matter. I hope you can reach deep down inside and find something in your soul to hang on to.
    For me, it was my children, and I desperately cried out to God for help and used what little faith you can say I had at the time to believe that it was not meant for me to end my life.

    I’ve lost a child since that time and I can tell you that, somehow, knowing that I got through that awful, awful hollow time In my life, I could get through this again. It’s been five years since losing her and I can’t tell you they haven’t been deep dark moments, but I have wanted to keep on living.
    There is hope.

    I hope for you, you can find some solace and something to cling to to stay here. It’s worth it.
    I’m glad you reached out to Anne Moss and wrote to her… Keep reaching out… It does help.
    I hope and pray for you Devin.

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