- Take a cleansing breath.
- Don’t freak out.
- You will be OK.
- Just listening is effective.
- Don’t focus on fixing.
- We want to try to help them save their own life
- And our goal is to keep them safe for now.
- Having a conversation lowers risk.
It’s likely you are reading this and you’ve already had the conversation and you are wondering if you “said the right thing.” I want you to know that if you listened with empathy, even if you didn’t say the perfect thing, the other person probably felt heard. Just listening can diffuse an intense suicidal thought process. Connection is the antidote to suicide.
This will be a guide that will help you with what you say in that moment. when someone, a friend or loved one, has told you they are struggling with thoughts of suicide. Do know that when you intervene and listen, the risk of suicide decreases. If you do not intervene, suicide risk stays the same or gets worse.
What do you say? Let them know you heard them.
It’s not your job to fix this but simply to offer support.
You do not want to say, “You have so much to live for,” or “Let me tell you about the time I …….” This is not about fixing the problem or talking about how you solved one but connecting with the person and their pain which is intensely real to that individual.
This person has made the absolute most sensitive and vulnerable confession and you should be honored someone saw you as a person that could be trusted with that information.
Someone has reached out. To you. That says something about you.
Listen and be willing to be uncomfortable
You will be sitting with someone in pain which may have periods of silence that make you uncomfortable. Heck, all of this is uncomfortable.
You will feel unqualified and just know that you will feel this way and it’s natural. That’s human.
Connect with the pain and/or show gratefulness
“I’m honored you trust me enough to share this with me.”
“Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m so grateful.”
“I’m so sorry you feel so much pain. Tell me more.”
“How long have you felt this way?”
“This is serious. You are really struggling. Can you share more with me?”
“I am here to listen. Keep talking and tell me how you feel.”
“It sounds as though you feel you can’t live with pain this intense.”
“I’m so grateful you have told me this. That took so much courage. Keep talking. I’m listening.”
“I hear you saying that life just doesn’t seem to matter to you right now.”
They may list a whole litany of issues that can’t be resolved all right then or might even propose something that might be unlikely to happen. Right then is not the time to disagree because it’s what got them in this very intense moment.
So if they say something like, “I need to see if my wife will take me back. I’m sure she will once she sees how I’ve changed.” We have no idea what might or might not happen. But the appropriate response is, “It sounds as if you are thinking about your future, doubtful about suicide, and want to explore options. So let’s discuss how to keep you safe right now.”
Show partnership
“I’m right here with you right now. We’ll figure this out together.”
“You have to be very frightened. I am here to listen and help. We’ll figure this out.”
“Permission to give you a hug?” (If appropriate situation.)
“Let’s call the local hotline right now and see what our next step might be. I’m right here with you to help keep you safe.” Keep in mind that if they’ve been through this before they might have fear of police or other first responders. So work with them to talk about options that they feel comfortable taking part in.
“Did you have a plan?” If they answer this question, make note of what that was because you’ll want to follow up and remove means to minimize the chances of suicide. Those suffering suicidal thoughts won’t often come up with a new idea. (Removing means = examples include finding someone to legally “babysit” a firearm off-site until the situation is stabilized or removing medications.)
“I’m not certain what to do next but I assure you I’m here with you now and want to keep you safe. We’ll figure this out together.”
Connect them with help, a parent, counselor whenever possible.
Be careful not to make someone feel as if you are uncomfortable and can’t wait to pass them off to someone else. Typically, the intensity of suicidal thoughts lasts an average of 20 minutes-2.5 hours.
“Can we call your husband? I want him to know you need extra support right now.” (The person to call can be a parent, sister, or school counselor.) In some cases, they might need a hospital but this is typically a last resort. However, if they are not responding much, or curled up in a corner, for example, ask them to go with you to the mental health hospital keeping in mind your own safety, of course.
“You have expressed doubt about suicide. So can we agree to help keep you safe right now?”
“We can’t focus or worry about all those problems at once or right now. Your only job at this moment is to keep yourself safe from suicide. Let’s call ______________” (This can be a local resource or a national hotline or text line. Numbers below.)
“I can’t promise that I will keep this secret. But you can trust that I will be discreet. I want to connect you with someone who is more educated on the topic and trained to help keep you safe from suicide.”
“Let’s call the local mental health hotline now together and see what they recommend.” (Local number is good. National hotline if that’s all you have.)
“I understand that you are feeling safe from suicide right now but I want to connect you with someone who knows next steps then I’d like to follow up with you later after I connect you with your [mom, dad, sister, teacher etc.] Is that OK?”
Follow up later.
“I wanted to check in with you and see how you are today?“
“How can I help you connect with some additional help?”
“I am so grateful you confided in me. Let’s meet for lunch.”
Possibilities for resources to connect them with are a local or national mental health hotline, a state mental health resource, an employee assistance program, a school nurse or a school counselor. It might be the person is already under the care of a mental health professional which would be a good contact to make.
If they die by suicide is it my fault?
Sometimes even with the best efforts, someone takes their life. This isn’t typical but it does happen. And if it does, just know you did the best you could and it’s not your fault. You are not Superman and we cannot control another human being. All you can do is the best you can do.
Other posts that might help:
- ‘My son has admitted he is suicidal. What do I do now?’
- What is the “wrong” thing to say to someone thinking of suicide?“
- Suicide Resources
- To those who think, ‘I’m not qualified to talk to someone who is suicidal’
- A friend posted a message online that sounds suicidal. What do you do or say?
- Should I tell someone my friend is thinking of suicide?
USA Suicide & Crisis Lifeline call 988
USA Crisis Text 741-741
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for Veterans call 988, press 1
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth, call 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline call, 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline & Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 988
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines
Hey Anne,
Just wanted to drop in and say thank you. I spoke to you a few years ago on here when I was at a really low point and was trying to end it all. I’m now doing a lot better and am healing. Your website was a great place to end up from a terrible Google search.
This is a great blog post, and congratulations on publishing a book. I am amazed at all the great work you’ve done.
All the best,
Claire- Thank you so much for coming back and letting me know you are OK. And to let me know that this site helped you save your own life. It means so much. Love to you.
I love this – good concrete ways to help and not add to the misery of someone in this situation. It isn’t about fixing them at that moment. It is about being there, supporting and listening and holding them or holding the space for them.
Thanks for validation Don.