Cutting to cope

by Anjelica Diaz

I was only 13 and when I went through rough times. I had to move away from my home and my dad, and start over at a new school. It did have its perks though. I got to be with my baby brother and sister.

A few weeks in, I was placed in CPS (Child Protective Services) and went to a mental hospital for the first time. I still remember the day–March 17, 2015. It was really scary and I think that’s where all my behaviors started.

I thought about suicide but I’d never attempted it. It was my sixth mental hospital visit when the cutting escalated. The worst part was that didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t talk to anyone. I soon found out I had bipolar disorder. I still don’t know what type though.

While I was in one of the mental hospitals I was cheeking my meds for 5 days and took them all at once. I didn’t die though and I’m glad I didn’t.

A few hours after, I started throwing up and was so sick. Never, ever again will I do that. I constantly thought about suicide and it never really seemed to leave my mind even with therapy. It didn’t help but then I never accepted any type of help either. I always stared at the knives in the drawers and couldn’t help but think about cutting.

I stopped though for one reason. My dad.

Now, that reason is gone. He passed away on July 6, 2019.

My whole world came crashing down as soon as I found out. All I wanted to do was die and go with him and be happy again. The grief consumed me.

Today, I’m still a little suicidal but it helps to know that I’m not the only one.

I’m off meds and feel better. I’m not cutting or hurting myself in any way. I overcame the obstacles by accepting this is who I am.

It is who I will always be and I can’t change that.

I just gotta embrace it.

My battle scars have healed

5 thoughts on “Cutting to cope”

  1. Thank you for your bravery to share your story. Each one of us have one. I am hopeful that you are continuing the healing process. One way a family has found healing is to participate in NAMI or CIT crisis intervention team training which provides training in NC state (some counties) to EMS and police officers on mental illness and includes “in your voices” segment which allows persons with mental illness to share their story; also role playing sessions where police get to practice how they will deal with the public in situations which have a component of self harm or suicide ideation or other mental illness scenarios such as rage or behavior outbreaks.

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