Fighting suicidal ideation

by Larry

Note from Anne Moss: Larry emailed me last year and he has struggled with thoughts of suicide since donating an organ. He is from in the highest risk group for suicide in both Canada and US, middle aged white males. This latest email is published here with his permission and to show you how hard people fight their ideation.

“Shortly after my last email below I did a 180 and very nearly ended my life. I was in such deep despair I had decided it was best to end my wife’s pain at watching my steady decline and end my own pain at the same time.

After having survived the attempt, I was hospitalized for a month where I received extensive therapy from a team of caring people. My wife did not know the extent of this until after I was admitted and I came clean about my suicide attempt.

It was a brutal moment for us both but I promised no more secrets about my constant ideations.

Following my discharge from the psych unit, I was re-admitted into the Day Hospital program and allowed to begin it from the start. I am now in my last week of the 4-week program and look forward to completion.

I have plenty of work left to do personally but I am in a much better place and no longer a threat to myself. Though I still experience suicidal ideation, I have new coping strategies to help me move forward when they occur.

I cannot thank the people enough who have supported me and am very grateful for their gift of love and compassion. My wife has been through hell dealing with my illness and I know I’m a very fortunate man to have such an amazing and wonderful wife and best friend in my life. I cannot find sufficient words to express this adequately.

I will conclude by adding that I am always deeply touched by the stories other readers have contributed to Emotionally Naked. I follow your blog faithfully and read your to-do list this morning. And I just finished reading your beautiful tribute to your son, Charles. Thank you again for sharing your heart-wrenching story.

You called me a fighter and I’m still trying to honor that.”

6 thoughts on “Fighting suicidal ideation”

  1. Hello Gray, i’m so very sorry to hear about your son. My sincere belated condolences to you & your family. Thank you for sharing your tragic loss with me. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. I truly appreciate your support & words of encouragement & thank you for telling me to keep going. This is still a struggle but i will remember what you said about the world being better. I confess i didn’t feel worthy of such a comment but i’m grateful to hear it. Lastly, thank you for the quote from “Tender Is The Night”. I am honored that you would include this tribute to your son. Kind Regards, Larry

  2. Larry, please contact me by email. My own personal email is chrisskinner1280@yahoo.com and we can talk if you need it whenever except for at night because we turn our devices off. I barely sleep due to my health. You can read my story on the blog as well. I think it’s called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, the suicide disease. I have to applaud you for donating your organ. I’ve heard this is hard. Don’t struggle alone. Trust me if your wife is there, she’s there for the long haul. I will be creating a few more stories for Anne. One is going to be about depression, another PTSD, another anxiety, and finally growing up the brother of an addict.

    1. Hello Christopher, thank you for your comments & encouragement. I appreciate you bringing CRPS to my attention & i will definately be discussing it with my doctor. I haven’t read your story yet but will. I’ll watch for your new stories too. It sounds like you’ve also had a very difficult time with chronic pain. It is truly a debilitating condition that many people who are fortunate enough to have never suffered have trouble understanding. Thank you for providing me with your email address. I may take you up on your offer to talk but for now would prefer to use Anne’s blog to send replies. Take care, Larry

  3. Thank you for fighting Larry.
    My 25 year old son ended his life in 2012, devastating his friends and family. I wish I could’ve helped him. I wish I could’ve stopped him.
    For a good three years afterward, I no longer wanted to live either.
    I wish I could’ve made him see that no feeling is ever final.
    It sounds like you are realizing that and are fighting it.
    Keep it up Larry, keep it up…the world is better with you in it. It’s not just something you read, or that people tell you to make you feel better. It’s really true.
    This was quoted in a piece about my son, afterwards – it’s from “Tender Is The Night” by F. Scott Fitzgerald…
    “he never knew how much space he occupied in the lives of others…”

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