What would happen if I killed myself?

We want to help and support you so you can save your own life

Thoughts of suicide are relentlessly slamming your brain and it feels as if it will never stop. But it will subside. Because all feelings are temporary and no crisis is permanent. I did not write this post to make you feel guilty. I wrote it so you understand what it’s like from a suicide loss survivor.

If you killed yourself

The world would not be a better place. Your family would be in agony. Hardly able to function. Friends and family would think they did something wrong and beat themselves up for the clues they missed.

Horror, anger, guilt, sadness, isolation and raw, agonizing pain would be the result for those left behind if you killed yourself. They would not “get over it.” Ever. Their grief would change over time. Some would learn to move forward, some would not, but they would miss you always.

There would be an empty space at the table every holiday. A place in their hearts would never fully heal. Your family and friends would struggle during your birthday month and again during your death anniversary. Families would blame and argue who is at fault.

There is nothing romantic about suicide

Or the addiction and mental illness that drive the thoughts that cause people to end their lives.

Suicide is not selfish but a desperate act to end intense and unrelenting emotional and sometimes physical pain. That really awful part is temporary–sometimes lasting 20 minutes or less. I can fathom the intense emotional pain because I had a son that killed himself while going through withdrawal from heroin. I will never forget the horrific news of my son’s suicide but my brain stopped short of telling me to end my own life.

Strategies to save yourself are possible

Treatment, a support system and will to live during your rational moments can help prevent that awful act in your irrational ones. You simply have to have a plan for prevention and be willing to ask for help when it hits.

There is only one you. If you left us, we’d be robbed of your potential and all your gifts.

You may be the one to cure diabetes or bring joy to a dying cancer patients by playing your guitar. You may be the one to write a book that touches the lives of thousands or maybe, just maybe you would be talking one day to a crowd and inspire one person to find recovery instead of killing themselves. All because of your story.

We don’t know what you could be. So stay with us so we can find out.

Suicide Hotlines

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

45 thoughts on “What would happen if I killed myself?”

  1. I am 62, so I don’t think I’ll be curing cancer. My husband left me rather than attend marriage counseling, my mother thought I was annoying and said so, and my siblings feel the same way. I was forgotten a half dozen times that I can remember, starting when I was 5 and I was left at my aunt’s house when everyone else went to my cousin’s birthday party. No one noticed and when she got home my mother was irritated that I was crying. My identical twin sister angrily told me to go home the day after my mother died because she said I had been walking around with an attitude. (I’d been walking on eggshells trying not to irritate anyone.) My adult younger daughter has been no contact for 3 years since she emailed me that she couldn’t be herself around me. I have written apologies to her which don’t try to justify anything and acknowledge her pain. She has blocked my phone and my email. My older daughter is still in touch sometimes, but she is involved with her fiancee’s family (who are wonderful), her dad’s new wife (who apparently is wonderful), her dad’s family and my estranged siblings (I cut off contact). She has a full family life and I have no one but her. I feel I’m more of a burden than anything–she has to walk a tightrope around my family and her dad’s family. She’s clearly closer to them than me. My friends are tired of listening. Could you please tell me why I should keep living?

    1. Karol. First, thank you for being so detailed so I could understand your pain. I’m so sorry your loved ones have treated you so poorly and have contributed to your own low self-esteem right now. It’s so unfair. Your husband gave up when you wanted to fight. That is not your fault that he gave up so easily. So in my view, you are a warrior. To have withstood all you have, you are a warrior. You do have a daughter who still loves you and one who might need you when she gets through her own stuff whatever that is which probably has nothing to do with you. Please do find support in a friend, a group, or a counselor. And you can reply here. I would be honored to hear from you again.

  2. There really isn’t a reason to keep living, I’ve lost everything I had , and everyday is only more suffering and pain , the only reason I’m still here is because I dont want to put my mom through it but I’m getting to the point I cant take it anymore

    1. Chris I am so sorry that the agony of losing so much is so hard and making you want to die. I admire your understanding and appreciating your mom even in your worst moments. And I am hearing you say that keeping that in mind is being overshadowed by the desire to end it as it gets harder. Do I have that right?

      I am going to add that there is a part of you that is hesitant and wants to live even as the part that wants to die tries to win. That is what must be very difficult and confusing. But you are still giving life to that survival instinct. I am sorry for your pain and losses. Is all of this the result of what you have endured lately? Or have you had theses thoughts before?

  3. I don’t want to be alive. i don’t see the point. It hurts worse and worse everyday. I just want to let go and it all to be over.

      1. Honestly, I don’t think anyone would care if I was found dead. I just dont wanna live with this pain anymore. I’ve tried committing but my body just pulls through everytime. I hate life, it sucks and it’d probably be a better place without me.

    1. Thank you Lisa. It sometimes isn’t easy sharing this stuff and not many people knew some of the details. I opened up more about it in my new book too because there are far too many that deal with suicide.

  4. “We don’t know what you could be. So stay with us so we can find out.”

    I know what I can be. Lonely, useless, poor, angry and have no reason to live. I don’t care about what my family will feel. I’ll be dead, that’s the point. I know how my life goes if I stick around. The mild sting of losing me (even though I am objectively worthless and they shouldn’t feel anything because I have added nothing of value to their lives, or anyone’s) is not comparable to the rest of my life. People do move on, I would easily.

    1. Joy. Her. You are suffering thoughts of suicide that’s what your brain tells you. It’s lying to you. And those thoughts are so intense for about twenty minutes. This can be treated. I hope you will ask for help. 741-741 is the suicide text line. Program that in your phone and use it when you are suffering these thoughts please.

    2. I like Anne’s response and I can tell you that I felt the same way. But I found a way to use all that horrible pain to be there for others through my writing and other things I do. I know it isn’t easy and hopefully you’ll reach out to the resources Anne shared.

  5. Keep in mind I’m 16 years old. I haven’t really thought about it but ever since my mom died of an OD. I haven’t felt happy since. I’ve faked it so my friends don’t worry or bring it up. I texted her 2 weeks before she died telling her what a awful mom she was for getting me taking away by DSS at age 6 and she gave me her number but I didn’t call. I could have but I didn’t ive learned that we just gotta get on with life. You could not be happy but we all have other people that think we are important and would miss our presence.

    1. Dylan. I am so sorry you lost your mom to the insipid disease known as addiction. I, too, have regrets regarding how I acted towards Charles before he died. And I could have called him more just to say I loved him. But I can find joy three years later. Over a thousand blog posts written to work through it but I think it has helped me become a better and more compassionate person. I had to understand that to heal I had to feel. I had to understand that it was about managing the pain and not denying it. I can’t imagine being your age and going through this but it will change you in positive ways too. Thank you for reading and commenting and feel free to come back to this site at any time to comment.

    2. I lost my mom before I had a chance to say good-bye and the 10 years before that there was no contact. It’s been difficult coming to terms with that part of life for me. We definitely have to get on with life and hopefully as we do that includes dealing with all the painful difficult experiences we’ve encountered. It is okay to do that part because otherwise, it makes life more challenging. Reaching out for help and support is a good thing to do.

  6. I have been wanting to commit suicide for over 2 months now. I lost my wife and she took the children. She said she doesn’t love me anymore and she is moving on. Crushed my heart into pieces. I have been to the hospital teice over this. I have been abusing pills and not being able to cope with this loss at all. I have called the suicide hotline only to be told “if you wanted to kill yourself, why are you calling me”. And its true. Its so true that i have downed a bottle of hydrocodon 10mg 90 count. Ill be in a special place real soon.

        1. I’m so sorry you feel so isolated and alone. I have felt that way, too. You are welcome here on this site to share your pain. Because of the friendship here, I no longer feel alone.

    1. When I read things like this, I’m heartbroken. It takes me back to those moments when I could see nothing worth living for. Yet, I’m still here. I know it isn’t easy. I know the pain is real and difficult and feels like more than we can handle. Keep reaching out. If the first place doesn’t work out, keep searching for another and another until you do. There is help and support. No one deserves what you’ve been through. It is okay to seek help in every possible way you can and not give up until you find it.

      1. I don’t believe those feelings are temporary. For 5 months my only son hasn’t spoken to me and has blocked me from everything. He even went to my parents whom we don’t talk to. They were never good to me and now see this as a means to turn my son completely against me. I have no family or friends my son was all I had. He’s not going to come back home or let alone talk to me . The loneliness grows each day counseling doesn’t help. And I want to kill myself. So those feelings don’t go away

        1. T – That kind of hurt grows and I can’t imagine the pain of the withdrawal of love by your child and family. What I am referring to is the intense pain that comes with wanting to actually follow through.

          So after my son’s suicide it hurt all the time. But there were times in that process that were more intense. And I had to work through the pain. The pain of this loss never goes away. But it softens so I can live. And your process is a grief process. You have lost someone you love even if he is alive. And that is just as painful.

          In your case there is always hope. And I think giving it time and getting help for yourself might create an environment where you can repair your relationship. I have hope for you and your son. Thank you so much for your candid comment.

      2. Anne, you hit it on the head – they are temporary. Give it a moment, or two or three or however many it takes so you can see things in a different perspective. I won’t say it is easy to do that because I know it is difficult – but take that energy and use it to hold on until that temporary moment flees.

  7. We are all irreplaceable. No one can fill the shoes that only you fit in. We all bring a certain unique contribution to each other. Let’s never forget that we have a purpose in this life. Never give up on living even when struggles, trials, and tribulations come to you in your life.

    1. You are very correct Michael. Thank you for saying that because it is true. Everyone deserves to hear this and have it repeated to them a million times over until it makes sense.

  8. People don’t give a shit about us when they want to die. Altruism doesn’t come into play during a psychotic break. It’s not selfishness. It’s just the way it is. A bit snarly I am after 26 months of grief. Damn this. We carry on. We carry on.

    1. I know that. And I know that feeling David. I do understand it. However, I’ve realized at the point of search, people are in two states. Ambivalence or determination. With determination, they don’t stop. They are in and then out. With ambivalence, they are looking for validation to reach out. Then they’ll pause, look around and time is our ally here.

      According to statistics on other posts, we have about a 10-13% shot. But that is enough to make it worth it. And in social media, we can reach people who just happen by and remember feeling that way so they read in a more rational state.

  9. Beautifully written, Anne Moss. Powerful words that speak truth because you KNOW. I pray your words will touch someone considering ending his or her life and help them to hear and believe they are loved, valued and needed in this crazy, hard world. Keep fighting for those who need a voice, an advocate, a friend in the dark times… ❤️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.