Ambivalence meets the new year

As a person who looks forward more than backward, I have always enjoyed the new year. But since Charles died by suicide there is the conflicted feeling I’m leaving him farther behind with each change of the calendar. I want to put on the brakes and stop the year from advancing.

But I can’t stop time no matter how much I deny it’s happening.

This year has been rough. On January 2, six months after radiation for a benign brain tumor, I lost one of my vocal cords and my once robust voice was no longer that.

Trouble swallowing came with it and the radiation also triggered upper esophageal reflux so I had to drastically alter my diet to high alkaline. Fortunately this tumor is now fried and can no longer cause damage. But the disabilities are permanent and I have spent the better part of this year in speech therapy, swallow therapy, and various in office surgeries. Thank God for microphones because I was able to keep up my speaking circuit.

I try and focus on the good part– that the holidays are over and the days are starting to get longer. I focus on my goals, that by the way, I met in 2018. This year, pretty much every goal leads to the big one, securing an agent for my book. And for that, I’m pushing on the gas pedal into 2019.

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Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

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