Trigger warning: Strong emotional content and suicide method mentioned.
Charles, who suffered from anxiety and depression and ultimately addiction had been from detox to rehab to a sober house. After rehab he looked great. I call this “Saturday Charles.” He then went to the sober house but relapsed the next morning by walking downtown and buying heroin. We can only imagine he got money from his room at home on the way to the recovery house. The policy at the sober house was that if you went to … Read more...
Charles would have loved our new neighborhood. Sadly, he died by suicide just 4 days after we sold the house. He did not even know where we were going to be living.
And the Farmer’s Market? He would have adored it. All that hustle and bustle. All the people and the buzz. Charles loved to be surrounded by people–the more the better. So when we went today, I thought about that, pictured him eating one of those giant home made donuts that most of the market regulars worship. As I was thinking about just that, this t-shirt met … Read more...
No. And they shouldn’t be drinking in your basement either.
I remember when we caught Charles with marijuana. He insisted he needed it to sleep and to quiet his anxiety. It had been so tough up until then to figure a treatment plan for him.
We said no after listening to his argument and we were firm but we actually did think about it. Trying to find the right medication to help your child is very difficult. So difficult you actually consider things that later you realize is nuts.
There is stigma with medication for mental health even though some kids need it … Read more...
Your grief journey is as individual as you are which is why this one is made of fingerprints. There is no timeline and everyone hits different stages at their own pace. There is no rushing it. It has a mind of its own. You can do things to find peace and joy but for the most part, you are along for the ride.
This #griefheart is in honor of Stephen B Sandknop, March 25, 1983-October 28, 2013. He was in a relapse from methamphetamine addiction and was having psychotic episodes and died by suicide when he jumped off his own apartment building in Hollywood, CA during a phone conversation with his mother, Randy. She didn’t find out until the next morning what had happened to him.
Stephen was a singer/songwriter and three of his songs are in movies. Here’s his YouTube channel. So many artists suffer from addiction and mental illness. This picture is donated by the photographer, his mother, to … Read more...
Charles had a heart of gold. Yes, he suffered from depression. Ultimately succumbed to an addiction to heroin and died by suicide.
But the person underneath the illness of addiction was a sweet, thoughtful person who cared about others. My sweetheart of a child was imperfect. He was stubborn. He was his own person. I do wish he was here with me. But I’ll have to carry him in my own heart instead.
Some days my heart doesn’t feel sad or happy, it feels flat and lifeless. As if all the juice was sucked out of it like an orange.
It’s those days when I feel a bit dazed, confused, catatonic–like the walking dead. I know now that this doesn’t last forever. When I feel flat, it’s hard to jump start myself out of it and it’s best to just wait it out. It does pass. Episodes now are not as long as they once were.
We got news of Charles’ death about 9pm at night. By the time we called Richard and our parents, it was pretty late. I knew Martha didn’t stay up late on Friday nights. She has a very physical job as a special Ed teacher with autistic kids. Many of these kids need a lot of help so I knew she wouldn’t be up.
So first thing when her feet hit the floor June 6, she thinks, “I need to call Anne Moss.” And she did very early which she never did since I am not a morning person. … Read more...