Love, by Chaney’s Hands – #griefheart number 20

Chaney is my #griefheart today. It’s not just “my” journey, this is a journey for millions of people suffering a suicide loss. And today, this heart is in honor of Chaney Corley who was only 13 when she died by suicide in September of 2015.

I met Tony and Angel Blackmon online after they read this article I wrote in February 2016. By Chaney’s Hands is a non-profit in Kentucky and they are doing their first fundraiser on the first day of youth mental health week, May 1, 2016.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart projectRead more...

Sometimes in My Dreams Cal’s Song, Part 2

by Charles Aubrey Rogers

This is real shit, not crap rap,
The park I used to trap at is next to the tunnel where Cal took his last nap.
Just a coupla weeks away from graduation,
He was supposed to have that gown and tassled cap hat.
Cosby was where he was supposed to grad at,
But he tied that rope and choked,
No joke, than ain’t somthin’ to fuckin’ laugh at,
That ain’t somethin’ to fuckin’ laugh at.

I lie in bed and see you die in my head,
Stay awake and squirm while my brain shakes with your … Read more...

All Heart – #griefheart number 19

Charles was all heart and This is part of a card sent to Charles by his beloved theatre group in his sophomore year (I think) in high school and Mrs. Fretwell, his favorite teacher ever. Charles had cracked his skull, supposedly on a skateboard accident. But later we found out he’d cracked his skull “car surfing.”In his sophomore year, Charles was engaging in riskier and riskier behavior which is, by the way, a sign of suicide and depression.–that cavalier attitude about life being a red flag.

This accident in the hospital was the first time Charles took opiates. We

Read more...

Heart Wrenching – #griefheart number 18

#griefheart

It’s been a tough, tough week. I am not usually punny. But heart-wrenching is how I have felt. Feeling better after lunch with Stephanie today.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Get updates to this blog by subscribing 

Read more...

Silver Lining by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Every-CloudThis rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud. But I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the “beats”. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah. The recorded version is on an instrument microphone. 

By Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary– 4/26/1995-6/5/2015

Woke up with not enough sleep
Got to breakfast, too late to eat
Still managed to get a stain on my favorite shirt
Every day’s stress, what’s next?
the news plays … Read more...

Trail Heart – #griefheart number 17

This was the heart that presented itself on our way back from our grief walk on Charles’ birthday. Even after a death, life keeps happening, new life keeps emerging. Important reminder that we still need to live. I never had to think about that before

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Get updates to this blog by subscribing 

Read more...

Addiction: The broken reward system

I went to the COBE event at VCU, Virginia Commonwealth University and saw Dr. Kevin McCauley speak (the dude seriously needs a decent online bio).

For many years, Charles and I had a discussion about his “thrill seeking” which I never felt was quite the right phrase since he wasn’t skiing backwards down black diamond ski slopes.

At one point Charles and I had a discussion that perhaps his brain didn’t make endorphins and made too much adrenalin (since he suffered from anxiety).

When Dr. McCauley said “broken reward system” in his presentation, I thought I hit the … Read more...

Happy Birthday Heart – #griefheart number 16

Happy birthday my love. You would have been 21 today, April 26, 2016. I will carry you in my heart forever.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Get updates to this blog by subscribing 

Read more...

Redefining the meaning of ‘the first birthday’

This is not my son’s first birthday. It’s the first birthday since he died. He would have been 21.

Years ago, I dreamed we would be in a better place with Charles–with his depression and addiction. His sleep disorder, his anxiety, his ADHD. We worked so hard at it.

Instead we are grappling with his suicide. I still can’t believe it some days.

As I look back, I see things I didn’t see before.

I can’t even tell you how much I miss him. How much this hurts. I know you know that.

His birthday is my connection to him … Read more...

Heavy Heart- #griefheart number 15

#griefheart heavy heart

Every limb feels heavy today. Nothing going right either and you tend to take things harder when you are grieving.

You are weighing on my heart today Charles. One of those days I can hardly breathe. Been reading your music and your words. I finally found that song about Cal. Too ironic. Thank you for leaving me the gift of your lyrics. I love you.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.… Read more...