Relentless

never-give-up

Guilty as charged. Part of my charm.

This one is for those of you who turn away because the subject of suicide  is too much.

You don’t want to read my posts.

You do sometimes with one eye shut.

They make you squirm.

They make you uncomfortable.

They make you sad.

They make you cry.

They are too raw.

You don’t want to be reminded that this awful thing happened to someone.  It’s your worse nightmare and you fear the same might happen to you.

Or you think it couldn’t possibly happen to you. It doesn’t touch your life so … Read more...

Pizza Party Heart– #griefheart number 57

We celebrated the life of my son on his death anniversary of June 5 this weekend Charles’ style. With a party. He loved pizza. He loved his friends and family. He loved parties.

This event was hosted by Beacon Tree Foundation VP and board member, Steve Gennett and his neighbors, part of the Pizza Patio in Richmond, VA.

Lovely event and I do so appreciate family visiting and friends who attended.  Made a tough weekend more manageable. This pizza illustrates the love and compassion I received at that event–from people I know and those I don’t know. So so … Read more...

Death Anniversary Heart– #griefheart number 56

This #griefheart represents all the love and support we have received since Charles’ suicide. It is made up of the grief cards we got after Charles’ death June 5, 2015.

Charles died 4 days after we sold our house, so we moved and I’m not sure this is all of them. But it has to be most of them. It’s a big heart from people with big hearts for a child with a big heart.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart Read more...

Escape Heart– #griefheart number 55

From Charles’ rap song, Run Free:

“Leanin’ on clouds up in heaven with my rap feelin’ free at last
Floatin’ through the present
I ain’t focused on the past”

I hope he has found peace. Still working on finding mine. Thank you Megan for capturing the sky scene I’ve been trying for months to capture.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

Read more...

Video: Forgive me momma – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Charles would rather Eminem or Cage be performing this rap. But I don’t know their numbers.

Since 8th grade, rap was Charles’ lifeline. He wrote it, performed it and it helped him deal with his depression and his addiction. I’m not talking about the crap rap that is commercially popular, I’m talking about soulful kind that represents the root of the genre.

He never shared his raps with me and other than the ones online. I saw them only after he died. He knew I’d be alarmed. I called his notebooks his Rap Diaries and in those pages, I … Read more...

Cuddle Heart – #griefheart number 54

This was sent to me by another mom, Angel, who lost her daughter to suicide. Their kittens had a litter and three of them were napping and she snapped a picture saying it reminded her of my #griefheart project.

It reminded me what a great cuddler Charles was. More than Richard, Charles needed hugs and reassurance. He always needed more love and compassion than my independent older child (whom I adore, of course). No one gave a better hug than Charles.

Even as a toddler his hug just made me cry it was so full of feeling. I wonder … Read more...

Tearful Heart– #griefheart number 53

I will always have smiles, and tears, for my son Charles. He had no idea how much me meant to us and to others at that last dark moment when he took his own life.

My neighbor Wendy Holt organized things to drop off after he died by suicide. And one of those things was lots of boxes of kleenex which we needed. I use fewer tissues now than I did at first.

But like my friend Dan Dodson said, you will always be emotional at life events no matter how long it’s been. And my cousin Nimocks said … Read more...

What These Drugs Do – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Another of Charles’ raps penned under Reezin’ the Revolutionary. This one nails addiction. It’s not pleasant but neither is the illness. I think once you read it, you start to have an understanding of the self loathing an addict suffers from. 

Warning, it has some language. I pondered whether to put it out there. But I know Charles wanted his music shared. He was hardly a dealer but I am sure he sold to support his habit at times. Depression is an awful illness. But addiction really is the devil. During his last days, he suffered a depressive episode Read more...

My dad was an addict because I wasn’t the ideal daughter

Self blame. Confusion. Loss of self esteem. Those are the results of silence. This letter is from a friend of a friend who is about 20 years old. Young people do want to talk about mental illness, addiction and suicide. But they won’t if you don’t. 

My best friend growing up was Jaimie Smith.* I’ll consider her my sister always. So I see you on her page often and read your blog here and there because I know how much your son’s death affected her.original

I just wanna reach out and thank you for posting what you do because most … Read more...

Hidden Heart– #griefheart number 34

Blame it on grief brain, but I miscounted. #griefhearts number 34 and 35 got left out. So that there is not a gap, I am sliding in this number 34 after 52.

Mathematicians will hate it. But who says you have to always count in order? It is, after all, a creative project. Charles couldn’t put anything in order either. So it’s perfect.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing 

Read more...