Heavenly heart – #griefheart number 9

#griefheart 8 -heavenly heart

For whatever reason I’m wondering about clouds and heavens today. Thinking about Charles running around on them. So thinking about heaven as an 8-year-old might. I think the image is inspired by the Run Free song Charles wrote where he talks about leaving earth.

I wonder if that’s the fantasy many have when contemplating suicide. It has to be better than here where everything hurts so much. He is at peace now. No longer hurting.

Part of that Run Free song.

“I am sick of all the hurt and the burn
Ima runaway runaway and never return.
Never COMIN’ back… Read more...

Family Matters – a rap by Charles Aubrey Rogers

(aka Reezin the Revolutionary)

Granbobby used to make my card disappear,
and pull a quarter out of my ear,
Momma how’d I end up here?
Life was so different,
I was so innocent,
Who knew I’d ever act like a criminal,
My love for you is far from minimal
Daddy was my hero,
He’s who I wanted to be like,
Taught me how to ride a bike,
Taught me how to live my life.
But you know me,
I never listen to advice.

I write this for family,
The ones I see on holidays annually,
I’m grateful for everything … Read more...

Musical heart – #griefheart number 8

“I found my place amongst these beats
And my passion with these stanzas.”
–Charles Aubrey Rogers, 1995-2015

This one is inspired by two songs I thought were lost forever. Charles loved his rap music. He was rarely spotted without those earphones around his neck or earbuds in his ears.

The iPod pictured is one we got for him in 8th grade. He loved it. It held tens of thousands of songs. These are what helped him cope and inspired his writing. You might think of rap music as “bad” but I think without it, Charles would have exited a long … Read more...

Family Love – #griefheart number 7

For months, I have mourned not having this song, “Family Matters.” Charles wanted to record that rap song and publish it to iTunes through Imperial Alliance Media, but he died before that happened. I believe he wrote this one about 10 months before he died. So I pick up his backpack and turn to a page and there it is! I have been looking and looking. And it was here the whole time. What a gift.

Charles died by suicide June 5, 2015 and I think he wrote it in May of 2014 before he was addicted to anything. … Read more...

How did I end up in this f—ing club?

Sometimes I just can’t believe I’m the one that lost a child. That was something that happened to other people. Not me. And not only did my child die, he died by suicide.

I could argue that I know my purpose now
But this “purpose” has such a high price tag.charles-beach

Some days I feel like I am barely able to scrape myself together. I wake up and just can’t believe I am in this place. I have to endure it, shape it, live it. It’s so much work. There’s no magic pill, no “fixing” it. It just is.

This … Read more...

Grateful Heart – #griefheart number 6

I had wondered at one point, “How do I show grateful heart?”

This group of friends added a bright spot to my life in my darkest hour. And they continue to do so. Before Charles died, they listened. Since his death, they listen.

You should see all the contortions we went through to get this right. We tried all kinds of complex moves. But in the end, simplicity won. This one in particular means a lot to me. The group effort a part of that love. 🙂 See the outtakes below.

There have been other special friends (BFFs) in my … Read more...

Hurting Heart – #griefheart number 5

Been painful this month. I think because his birthday is April 26. He would have been 21.

What is this all about? I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on the blog by #griefheart category.

Grief, suicide, addiction, depression: Top 10 Posts

David Letterman did it, why can’t I?to 10 taboo posts
I was just curious regarding which posts were the most popular. So I thought I’d share the results. These were chosen by you guys, by the number of visitors to the page.

I am not surprised by what ranked #1.

1. Why did he kill himself? Answering the why

2. The long arm of the law reaches down Charles’ pants

3. Did Charles show warning signs for teen suicide?

4. What did Charles say prior to suicide to indicate his intentions?

5. Please do not avoid the subject of my son who died

Read more...

Heart full of memories – #griefheart number 4

My heart is full of memories of Charles today. As a baby, toddler, middle schooler, high schooler. Memories both painful and delightful–the roller coaster of grief.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

Piece of my heart – #griefheart number 92