Dragged through the mud – #griefheart number 44

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It’s been a long time since I’ve made a mud pie. But I made one today. I do feel like I’ve had a grief relapse lately. When I’ve talked to other moms in this “club,” they tell me it’s the result of being close to the death anniversary of June 5. It’s my first so I didn’t know what to expect.

There is some comfort knowing where it’s coming from. It just feels like your heart has been dragged through the mud–sluggish and unmotivated. I just try to remind myself that grieving is healing.

What is the #griefheart project?

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Love & Lace – #griefheart number 43

Today, two of my dearest friends, Paul and MaryJo Hughes, hosted their daughter’s wedding. I was so excited for them and for Brianna and Michael Palowitch. An absolutely stunning event. With each of these life events, there will be tears of sadness that Charles won’t have these moments. But tears of great joy as well.

Before I left for the wedding today, I set aside time to grieve the loss of those special moments and decided that I was going to enjoy the event without guilt.

I decided that instead of being sad because this is the first time I … Read more... “Love & Lace – #griefheart number 43”

Verse for the Lonely – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

All by myself feeling’ lonely as hell
Like I fell in a well, no one hears me yell
Someone get me out of this pit
someone get me out of this shit
Sorry drippin’ down my pen
Bleeding out when I spit

This is a verse for the lonely
When you’re hurt mission’ homies
Poppin’ perks cause your’ lonely on earth
It’s the worst when you immerse into solitude
Your shadow is the only one who follows you
The mirror is the only 1 who talks to you
It eats you alive till it swallows you
Wallow through feeling hollow … Read more... “Verse for the Lonely – by Charles Aubrey Rogers”

How many lives can you save?

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Lauren wanted her favorite flower in the post. This one is from the camera of Gene Nimocks, my brother, owner of Genescaping

When you read this, how can you not share it? Lauren is in her early 20s. So few her age talk openly about depression or suicide.  Talking and speaking out does work.

After Lauren sent it to me and then her parents, she asked me to post it here so you could see it and share it so that it would help others. That takes guts and I’m so proud of  her. 

I came across your post “… Read more... “How many lives can you save?”

Love of Games – #griefheart number 42

Charles loved games! Every single kind of game. Couldn’t ever get enough of them. When he was little and wanted to read, he loved the phonics game. He loved chess and played that with his Dad. He was in the chess club for a while and played at The Family School in upstate NY. He was pretty good.

It always amazed me that this kid with ADHD had the patience to play chess. But Charles loved strategy and for some reason he could concentrate on a game. Probably because it meant more to him than math homework which he could … Read more... “Love of Games – #griefheart number 42”

What do those suicide notes look like?

Not everyone leaves a last letter.

But we mothers have found things tucked away and balled up in the trash. Maybe not an official suicide note, but they do reflect what the sufferer is feeling in their darkest hour.

Usually, they are not thinking of you. They are thinking you’d be better off without them. Most at this point are in agony.

People suffering from depression don’t want to tell you they hurt. One, that’s the nature of the illness. Two, they don’t want to reveal that darkness their souls. They’d rather die that feel the rejection from those they … Read more... “What do those suicide notes look like?”

Prickly Heart – #griefheart number 41

This is an original photo from a friend of mine. Obviously I don’t have desert as a yard.

But it does represent how my heart feels some days. Today especially. It just feels like a bunch sharp things are stuck in your heart. And it hurts.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing 

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Lyrical Heart -#griefheart number 40

Charles had a way with words. From stories he wrote to songs he rapped, he was something else with a pen. This was his way of coping as it is mine.

He would take these magnet words and make the funniest sentences that only Charles could think of. He was master of funny. Such a creative genius.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing 

Read more... “Lyrical Heart -#griefheart number 40”

This is what I live for. It doesn’t get better than this

It’s letters like these that make my life worth living since Charles’ suicide. Warning. It will make you cry. A good cry. It is so thoughtful and well written. If the author is out there, thank you. This truly defines my purpose. I have removed identifying information to protect the sender’s identity. 

Mrs. Rogers,

I have tried writing to you many times, but have felt like it may be inappropriate for me to reach out to you because I had so little interaction with Charles, but I’ve been keeping up with your blog and after reading about how Charles was … Read more... “This is what I live for. It doesn’t get better than this”

Street Heart – #griefheart number 39

We went to the Westover Hills neighborhood picnic and I’m watching the kids play. I turn slightly to the left and there it was, staring me in the face in a big clearing calling my name.

I had been remembering how much Charles loved to play. Loved chalk, the bouncy thing, the balloons, the face painting. All of it. It’s way before he suffered from depression, felt suicidal, or succumbed to the lure of drug addiction. Back to a simpler time when a bad day was having your cake eaten by your dog. He refers to those days here … Read more... “Street Heart – #griefheart number 39”