It’s been a long time since I’ve made a mud pie. But I made one today. I do feel like I’ve had a grief relapse lately. When I’ve talked to other moms in this “club,” they tell me it’s the result of being close to the death anniversary of June 5. It’s my first so I didn’t know what to expect.
There is some comfort knowing where it’s coming from. It just feels like your heart has been dragged through the mud–sluggish and unmotivated. I just try to remind myself that grieving is healing.
Today, two of my dearest friends, Paul and MaryJo Hughes, hosted their daughter’s wedding. I was so excited for them and for Brianna and Michael Palowitch. An absolutely stunning event. With each of these life events, there will be tears of sadness that Charles won’t have these moments. But tears of great joy as well.
Before I left for the wedding today, I set aside time to grieve the loss of those special moments and decided that I was going to enjoy the event without guilt.
I decided that instead of being sad because this is the first time I … Read more...
All by myself feeling’ lonely as hell
Like I fell in a well, no one hears me yell
Someone get me out of this pit
someone get me out of this shit
Sorry drippin’ down my pen
Bleeding out when I spit
This is a verse for the lonely
When you’re hurt mission’ homies
Poppin’ perks cause your’ lonely on earth
It’s the worst when you immerse into solitude
Your shadow is the only one who follows you
The mirror is the only 1 who talks to you
It eats you alive till it swallows you
Wallow through feeling hollow … Read more...
Charles loved games! Every single kind of game. Couldn’t ever get enough of them. When he was little and wanted to read, he loved the phonics game. He loved chess and played that with his Dad. He was in the chess club for a while and played at The Family School in upstate NY. He was pretty good.
It always amazed me that this kid with ADHD had the patience to play chess. But Charles loved strategy and for some reason he could concentrate on a game. Probably because it meant more to him than math homework which he could … Read more...
But we mothers have found things tucked away and balled up in the trash. Maybe not an official suicide note, but they do reflect what the sufferer is feeling in their darkest hour.
Usually, they are not thinking of you. They are thinking you’d be better off without them. Most at this point are in agony.
People suffering from depression don’t want to tell you they hurt. One, that’s the nature of the illness. Two, they don’t want to reveal that darkness their souls. They’d rather die that feel the rejection from those they … Read more...
It’s letters like these that make my life worth living since Charles’ suicide. Warning. It will make you cry. A good cry. It is so thoughtful and well written. If the author is out there, thank you. This truly defines my purpose. I have removed identifying information to protect the sender’s identity.
I have tried writing to you many times, but have felt like it may be inappropriate for me to reach out to you because I had so little interaction with Charles, but I’ve been keeping up with your blog and after reading about how Charles was … Read more...
We went to the Westover Hills neighborhood picnic and I’m watching the kids play. I turn slightly to the left and there it was, staring me in the face in a big clearing calling my name.
I had been remembering how much Charles loved to play. Loved chalk, the bouncy thing, the balloons, the face painting. All of it. It’s way before he suffered from depression, felt suicidal, or succumbed to the lure of drug addiction. Back to a simpler time when a bad day was having your cake eaten by your dog. He refers to those days here … Read more...