So you are contemplating suicide…

Photo credit Italian photographer Giorgio Cravero

I want to scream, “Don’t do it!”

I want to beg you not to.

I want to tell you how utterly devastating it is to lose a child and reveal all my naked, agonizing grief over my loss.

Really what I need to do is just listen and let you know you matter.

You think you don’t matter. You might even be scoffing at this letter saying, “This woman doesn’t know me!”

What you don’t know is that you are the center of someone’s universe. Your brain won’t let you believe that right now.

I know … Read more...

Heart full of tears – #griefheart number 115

heart-of-tears
Heart full of tears

“You’re my mom, the only one I’ll ever have, I’m sorry I was bad, all the tears I could sit in a bath” –From “Forgive Me Momma” by Charles Aubrey Rogers

In the last 14 months, I’ve cried enough tears to make a bath. Tears for my child Charles who died by suicide. Those words were meant to illustrate his pain but they ironically ended up describing mine.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Get

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Why saying ‘he’s in a better place’ can be a dangerous phrase

grief, in a better place

I made a pledge when Charles died by suicide not to nitpick what people said to me after his death. After all, it is so hard to know what to say. I was overjoyed if someone said anything at all.

To be honest, the worst thing you can say is nothing at all. So don’t fret if you have used the “better place” expression.

Here is my issue with it

When we say “better place” we could potentially be glorifying heaven as a destination. Basically you could be promoting an early exit since you are implying the place after death is “better” than … Read more...

Carry him in my heart – #griefheart number 114

Carry him in my heart
Carry him in my heart

The grief journey is all about learning to move forward by carrying the memory of your loved one in your heart. I want Charles here with me, of course. I will always want that.

I love this picture of him in elementary school with his bowl cut. A sweet memory of him before his brain told him he was worthless and he took his own life.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this

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Funny Story. Charles was a roller coaster tycoon

So I had this office over the garage that was big enough for two desks. Charles would often be in the office with me playing the game at his Dad’s desk while I worked on a writing assignment.

I was a freelance copywriter back then. I guess he was around 11 or 12.

Charles used to play this game called Roller Coaster Tycoon. And he never played it how it was supposed to be played. In fact there were a lot of games with “Charles rules” that never got played how they were intended.

Roller Coaster Tycoon is a computer … Read more...

Wagging heart – #griefheart number 113

love-of-dogs
Wagging heart

My friend Bonnie’s daughter got a new pooch. She realized after this picture was taken that she had captured a heart on the dog’s rump. And she sent it to me to be part of the #griefheart project. My late son Charles loved, loved dogs. They loved him.

I asked her the new dog’s name. It’s Charlie. Now that’s ironic.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

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Fundraiser for a 15 year old suicidal girl asks for help

 

Help this child

She came to her mom and told her that she was thinking of ways to die. Imagine your daughter telling you that.

Then imagine trying to think of a way to help her, knowing you had exhausted all local resources and that financially the next step would likely bankrupt you.

I’ve been there. Right there. No help. No loans. No support. And my child did die by suicide.

I don’t want this family to suffer that. Anything but that. This young lady is currently in treatment now. It couldn’t wait.

I want us to be as … Read more...

Monumental love – #griefheart number 112

This one was staring at me from Monument Avenue in Richmond, VA. Charles never wanted to live anywhere else. He loved Richmond. He loved the graffiti, the statues, the cobblestones, the river. Whatever his goals were as a famous rapper, he wanted this city to stay his home.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

Read more...

Serenity prayer heart – #griefheart number 111

My friend Laurie sent me this as a “thinking about you” #griefheart. She and I are part of that club no one wants to be in. She and her husband Scott lost their son Dawson to an overdose in 2014 and I am dedicating this one to his memory.

For 4 1/2 years, we went to Families Anonymous and after every meeting, the group says this prayer.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Keep coming back. It works … Read more...

The Self-Harm Safety Box

This is not to take the place of appropriate mental health care. It is a self-help guide is for those who self harm and want to stop but are not sure how from a woman who has struggled and managed to break the vicious cycle of self harm. 

Self-harm is on the rise at an alarming rate, not only amongst teens but adults as well. If you are sitting in a classroom or a school auditorium, glance around you.

Would you think that any of the people you see, be it friends or strangers have self-inflicted scars, bruises or injuries? Statistics … Read more...