Alter Ego: A lot of new people at this party
Me: I love meeting new people
Alter Ego: What will you say if they ask how many kids you have?
Me: Maybe I will just mention Richard
Alter Ego: What about Charles?
Me: I don’t know. Just saying I have one sort of makes me feel like I don’t honor his memory
Alter Ego: Saying he died is such a conversation killer
Me: Well I’m not going to say “Hi my name is Anne Moss, I had a child die by suicide”
Alter Ego: Let’s hope not
Me: If it … Read more...
My coulda woulda shoulda is that last phone call I had with Charles. Here’s how it goes.
Alter Ego: You missed that last conversation, the one where he texted you, “Please pick up the f@#$%& phone, there is something I need to tell you.”
(my mind usually whines here)
Me: We had already been on the phone for two hours. He was shouting, incoherent and argumentative. I didn’t know where he was. I couldn’t understand him. I said, “I have to go. Bye, bye, I love you.” Then he called again and we talked again.
Alter Ego: But that third phone call, the one that … Read more...
I am standing somewhere noisy when all of a sudden a memory hits me and my heart freezes, breathing all but stops. The crowd becomes this surreal din of noise and I physically shrink in size while the colors of the room smudge together as the grief wave settles in. Lonely is the best way to describe it because right then, I am sure no one could feel such pain in their heart–right down to my muscles and bones.
It will subside but sometimes I want to hold onto it longer because it makes me feel closer to the child … Read more...
Cannot believe Amazon is or was selling these shirts. I get that people have different brands of humor. But suicide jokes, humor making fun of those with disabilities or dwarf jokes is just not creative. It’s a cop out for those who lack the real skills to be creative. To a mom whose child died by hanging himself, this is a slap in the face. Add to that, it’s suggestive in a frightening way.
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Those of us who have lost a child CRAVE pictures and memories about our child more than ANYTHING in the world because it’s all we have. One of the things people will tell you is that once someone dies, you find out all these things about your loved one that you never knew and it makes you smile.
But I have to tell you that those of us who have lost a child by suicide from stigmatized illnesses like addiction and depression, just don’t hear as much. We hear a lot of silence, awkwardness and change of subject and we … Read more...
So the grief is like a tidal wave. When it hits, it hits hard. It can last a day or about a day and a half. Or sometimes shorter. But over the holidays the periods have stretched back out. They had gotten shorter and I know they will again. It maybe my journey but I’m not always the captain of it.
After a big hit of grief, you can have a “grief hangover” where you just feel sort of lethargic and shell shocked but relieved that the worst of it is over. Then you have to kick your own butt … Read more...
Feeling heavy of heart
Thankful to have spent a lot of time with Charles so I have a lot of memories. Thankful for friends who have reached out and supported me
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Absolutely epic grief relapse this week. But today I forced myself on a long run to reset myself and today was better. Not perfect but not as dark. Talked to someone in recovery whose brother died by suicide. That helped. All of you out there helped. Your outreach is what I need. I am so blessed to have such caring friends. Thank you.
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Today is one of those days when it hurts so so so bad. I miss my boy so much. It is so hard to have cared for a child so intensely only to have him vanish and no longer be in your life at all. It is so surreal, so unbelievable.
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There are actually good things about grief. Believe it or not. You realize along life’s path, you can only control one person, yourself. And in grief, you realize you can’t always do that. You have to let the journey lead you and there are times you simply can’t fix yourself but you can guide yourself.
In this journey that absolutely no one wants to be on, you simply see more things than you saw before, let things go that are not important and reach out and touch people you would have never thought to connect with. You also learn other … Read more...