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Category: Suicide

How could I resent your child’s cancer fundraiser?

Part of my grief process is to let go of such insane resentments and just do something about it instead.

It sounds crazy. It sounds inhuman. But there were times when I felt jealous that others got such overwhelming financial and even emotional support in their struggles to get medical help for a child who was ill. My resentment was never directed at a specific family. It was resentment that society could turn their backs on mental health while embracing physical health so passionately.

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Send a card, reach out, listen w/o judgement

The outpouring of support when your child has a physical ailment … Read more...

Why did he kill himself? Answering the why

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Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.

I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.

It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.

And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was … Read more...

Grief: My alter ego and I argue on what to say

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Alter Ego:  A lot of new people at this party

Me: I love meeting new people

Alter Ego: What will you say if they ask how many kids you have?

Me: Maybe I will just mention Richard

Alter Ego: What about Charles?  

Me: I don’t know. Just saying I have one sort of makes me feel like I don’t honor his memory

Alter Ego: Saying he died is such a conversation killer

Me: Well I’m not going to say “Hi my name is Anne Moss, I had a child die by suicide” 

Alter Ego: Let’s hope not

Me: If it comes up…

Alter … Read more...

Suicide. The coulda, woulda conversation in my head goes something like this

My coulda woulda shoulda is that last phone call I had with Charles. Here’s how it goes.

Alter Ego: You missed that last conversation, the one where he texted you, “Please pick up the f@#$%& phone, there is something I need to tell you.”

(my mind usually whines here)

Me: We had already been on the phone for two hours. He was shouting, incoherent and argumentative. I didn’t know where he was. I couldn’t understand him. I said, “I have to go. Bye, bye, I love you.” Then he called again and we talked again.

Alter Ego: But that third phone call, the one that … Read more...

Looking for hope and joy after my son’s suicide

I am standing somewhere noisy when all of a sudden a memory hits me and my heart freezes, breathing all but stops. The crowd becomes this surreal din of noise and I physically shrink in size while the colors of the room smudge together as the grief wave settles in. Lonely is the best way to describe it because right then, I am sure no one could feel such pain in their heart–right down to my muscles and bones.

It will subside but sometimes I want to hold onto it longer because it makes me feel closer to the child … Read more...

Suicide shirts that are not funny

Cannot believe Amazon is or was selling these shirts. I get that people have different brands of humor. But suicide jokes, humor making fun of those with disabilities or dwarf jokes is just not creative. It’s a cop out for those who lack the real skills to be creative. To a mom whose child died by hanging himself, this is a slap in the face. Add to that, it’s suggestive in a frightening way.… Read more...

This new year, take the taboo out of suicide by talking about it

Those of us who have lost a child CRAVE pictures and memories about our child more than ANYTHING in the world because it’s all we have. One of the things people will tell you is that once someone dies, you find out all these things about your loved one that you never knew and it makes you smile.

But I have to tell you that those of us who have lost a child by suicide from stigmatized illnesses like addiction and depression, just don’t hear as much. We hear a lot of silence, awkwardness and change of subject and we … Read more...

Surviving the first holidays after my son’s suicide

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So the grief is like a tidal wave. When it hits, it hits hard. It can last a day or about a day and a half. Or sometimes shorter. But over the holidays the periods have stretched back out. They had gotten shorter and I know they will again. It maybe my journey but I’m not always the captain of it.

After a big hit of grief, you can have a “grief hangover” where you just feel sort of lethargic and shell shocked but relieved that the worst of it is over. Then you have to kick your own butt to pull out of it … Read more...

The 4 G’s of Grief

Grief:

Feeling heavy of heart

Gratitude:

Thankful to have spent a lot of time with Charles so I have a lot of memories. Thankful for friends who have reached out and supported me

Grace:

Understanding that he suffered from an illness and it was not a lifestyle choice

Giving Back:

Forging ahead with my promise not to be silent about suicide and mental health at Beacon Tree Foundation

And today, acknowledging the loss of others’ loved ones and that the holidays are also rough for them. My heart goes out to Amiya Moses‘ family today. She was only 12 … Read more...

Does grief have a silver lining?

There are actually good things about grief. Believe it or not. You realize along life’s path, you can only control one person, yourself. And in grief, you realize you can’t always do that. You have to let the journey lead you and there are times you simply can’t fix yourself but you can guide yourself.

In this journey that absolutely no one wants to be on, you simply see more things than you saw before, let things go that are not important and reach out and touch people you would have never thought to connect with. You also learn other … Read more...

What to say to someone who has lost a child

I know so many don’t know what to say to those who’ve suffered a loss, particularly that of a child and in the case of suicide.

Unfortunately, I can check both those boxes.

Suggestions on what to say

I made a pact to welcome any and all comments and never pass judgement on what someone has asked or said because it takes guts to speak up. After so many years of suffering in silence since he had such stigmatized illnesses, it’s a relief to let it out.

Figuring out what someone else in the same shoes wants is tough.

If … Read more...

A painful day

A painful day. Meetings provided some distraction.

I was at the Comcast office today and I asked the CSR what his tattoo represented. He said it was for his mom who died when he was 15. He was about 28-30.

I asked him flat out if she had been a heroin addict and died from that disease. And he said yes. How did I know to ask? How did I just know that sun tattoo represented a mother who died of addiction? How could I have been so bold to ask that of a perfect stranger? I don’t know. I … Read more...

Celebration of the Life of Charles Aubrey Rogers

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This was originally posted on the blog of the business I owned for 7 years.

Anne Moss Rogers’ son, Charles, 20, died by suicide June 5, 2015.

Charles was a creative genius who was articulate, intelligent, funny and loved to rap. He was currently in the process of producing a new album when he died by suicide.

While he lit up every room he ever entered, he struggled with anxiety and depression, addiction, ADHD and a sleep disorder. A deep, soulful and sensitive young man, Charles loved and treasured family and loved dogs, funky socks, drama and writing. But most … Read more...