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Grief. Is there a heaven?

heaven

I want to believe it without reservation. I do.

And I know most of you do. You’ll tell me there is and all I have to do is believe. However, I am a skeptic. I think there is something out there. But I often have doubts.

I do think it is something very different from what we think it is. A different kind of existence all together. Not a bad existence just not what we think.

I have a lot riding on this belief

Since Charles died, I really want to believe 100%.

Let’s say there is a heaven.  Would … Read more...

To all of you

What I didn’t expect from all of you was the outpouring of support when I write publicly about all the stigmatized illnesses we suffered through with Charles– as well as my own grief. And I didn’t expect to be encouraged to keep writing about it.

I was not rejected or ostracized. I was not “unfriended” for bringing up unpleasant subjects. Maybe some have unfriended.  But I’ve gained more than I have lost.

love-letter

But I’ll be honest with you, I did not think it would be that way. I was fully prepared to be written off as the person always posting depressing … Read more...

Dear Charles. My letter to heaven

man-of-steel
Charles was wearing these shoes when he died. Ironic even in death

I bet I am not the first mom to write their child in heaven. But this is my first letter to you since you died. I hope you get it because I am not sure how to have something sent to heaven.

It’s been about 8 months since you left us and I miss you. All the time. Every day. And I always will. There are days I wake up and the realization that you are gone just hits me like a freight train in my heart.

I am … Read more...

People move on. I cannot resent that

Kids that were friends of Charles are growing up.

People move on.

And those of us still grieving feel kind of stuck sometimes. Forgotten even. That’s the isolating nature of grief.

It’s like there is the speed train and everyone is back on it. But us. We just watch as it speeds by, unable to get on that train. Limping on every once in a while but then having to exit because we simply can’t keep up with the pace.

Sometimes it’s hard to to see happy family pictures knowing that I will never have a picture with both my … Read more...

Things I no longer give a rat’s ass about since Charles’ death

Losing my child to suicide has forced me to take another look at my life. And it’s actually liberating to ditch things and basically spring clean my brain and no longer care about…..

1. What others think. I have never been one to worry a lot about this. But once I lost a child by suicide to depression and addiction, I totally let go of caring what others thought of me personally. You either take me as I am or you don’t. And conversely, I’m not going to be passing judgment on others either. It’s probably why I feel so … Read more...

Suicide. The silent serial killer

Grief is painful and heavy. But it can also inspire you to go in a direction you would have never gone and inspire a new sense of passion. To honor Charles’ memory, I will no longer be silent about suicide. Silence kills.

I have submitted this video in my application for a TedXRVA talk. If you want to help, please nominate. Description is below.

Thank you Melanie Murray for suggesting this title: Suicide, the silent serial killer

Short description of the topic would be:

Suicide. The silent serial killer

Title: Co-Owner, Impression Marketing. Board member, Beacon Tree FoundationRead more...

If you have a bereaved parent in your life

Guest post by Kimberly Gardner, North Carolina

If you have a bereaved parent in your life, remember that she/he is most likely choking down sobs in the quiet of their house. The silence of where their child’s voice should be, is deafening. They likely sob in the shower. In the car. Behind their computer screen….anywhere.

grief

Show them in tangible ways that you care.

Show them you have not forgotten their child, no matter how many years have passed.

And for the love of everyone, remember to say our child’s name over and over again. It is music to our ears. … Read more...

Grief: Letting go of bitterness to find hope and joy

lyrics-hollow-man

If ever anyone is entitled to bitterness, I feel it would be those of us who have lost a child. Frankly, I don’t want to live my life feeling that way. It would be a disservice to my son that died as well as the one that lived.

I think the key to leaving bitterness behind is finding my direction and purpose in the most devastating tragedy of my life. My purpose as a mother was to raise my two boys to be thriving adults. To have one of them die by suicide at age 20 wasn’t part of that plan. With … Read more...

Grief: My alter ego and I argue on what to say

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Alter Ego:  A lot of new people at this party

Me: I love meeting new people

Alter Ego: What will you say if they ask how many kids you have?

Me: Maybe I will just mention Richard

Alter Ego: What about Charles?  

Me: I don’t know. Just saying I have one sort of makes me feel like I don’t honor his memory

Alter Ego: Saying he died is such a conversation killer

Me: Well I’m not going to say “Hi my name is Anne Moss, I had a child die by suicide” 

Alter Ego: Let’s hope not

Me: If it comes up…

Alter Read more...

Grief: 5 things that helped me turn a corner

Charles died 8 months and 3 days ago from the above dateand these are the things that helped me find some peace.

#1 – Joined a support group*

support group

While in group, there were times I felt like I was pouring alcohol in a wound when hearing everyone’s stories. I broke down with each one. However, exposing yourself to others in this way releases so much of your own pain. You bond with others in the same situation. Allowing the hurt leads to healing. It’s truly a relief and it allows you to let go.

#2- Understanding that I’m not always the captain of

Read more...
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