Grief: My alter ego and I argue on what to say

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Alter Ego:  A lot of new people at this party

Me: I love meeting new people

Alter Ego: What will you say if they ask how many kids you have?

Me: Maybe I will just mention Richard

Alter Ego: What about Charles?  

Me: I don’t know. Just saying I have one sort of makes me feel like I don’t honor his memory

Alter Ego: Saying he died is such a conversation killer

Me: Well I’m not going to say “Hi my name is Anne Moss, I had a child die by suicide” 

Alter Ego: Let’s hope not

Me: If it comes up…

Alter Read more...

Grief: 5 things that helped me turn a corner

Charles died 8 months and 3 days ago from the above dateand these are the things that helped me find some peace.

#1 – Joined a support group*

support group

While in group, there were times I felt like I was pouring alcohol in a wound when hearing everyone’s stories. I broke down with each one. However, exposing yourself to others in this way releases so much of your own pain. You bond with others in the same situation. Allowing the hurt leads to healing. It’s truly a relief and it allows you to let go.

#2- Understanding that I’m not always the captain of

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Why do I post about grief? My alter ego and I have a battle

depression and suicide

Alter Ego: Are you really going to push that “publish” button and depress everyone?

Me: Well that’s not why I am writing all this. 

Alter Ego: Then why?

Me: I am not sure why. 

Alter Ego: Then why bring everybody else down? Who wants to read this crap?  No one wants to be dragged into your grief about your dead child. Who wants to hear about that? This is your journey not theirs. 

Me: They don’t have to read it. It’s not a required reading assignment 

Alter Ego: You know people are going to feel forced or obliged to reach Read more...

Grief Ambush

In short, it’s when grief sneaks up behind you and bam, ambushes you out of nowhere. It takes you down to your knees, it hurts like the devil, it doesn’t ask forgiveness nor does it apologize. You can’t function worth squat and you are confused and weepy.

Just when you think you can’t take another minute, hour or day, it subsides just a bit and then a little more and then some more until finally you see a sliver of light and you rush to open it wider because you are starved for a release from this pain.

Some have said it’s like … Read more...

Grieving is healing

When grieving, you feel very alone, very isolated. But do know if you are grieving, you are not alone. It’s simply that the nature of grieving has a component of pain so deep, you shut down temporarily to give yourself space to absorb the emotional tsunami that often takes you down to your knees or inspires you to scream at the car dashboard. The part where you feel your worst is where it’s the most isolating. You can’t share that part with anyone else. It’s simply too personal and a painful part of the process.

I do know that

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Today, I was done at the start

Some days are tougher than others. You keep pulling yourself up over and over and by the end of the day, you’re just exhausted. And done. Just done. Usually, running lifts my spirits but this morning I kept having to force myself to keep it up. This was one of those days. Feels like this song. Funny, how his words are so relevant to my grief journey.

“This world is crushing me but I lift the weight
Look at star with a different face you’ll see tomorrow
The world will be a better place”—Charles RogersRead more...

You never stop missing the child you lost

I remember a trip I took to my grandmother’s when I was around 9 or 10 years old.

Usually, I’d stay in the room with twin beds with my grandmother when we visited and one morning I woke up and saw my grandmother standing up in front of her dresser crying and looking at a picture. Curious and worried, I asked my grandmother what was the matter. She told me that it was Lou Maddy’s birthday and she would have been 40 years old that day. I asked her who Lou Maddy was and she said she was her Read more...

This new year, take the taboo out of suicide by talking about it

Those of us who have lost a child CRAVE pictures and memories about our child more than ANYTHING in the world because it’s all we have. One of the things people will tell you is that once someone dies, you find out all these things about your loved one that you never knew and it makes you smile.

But I have to tell you that those of us who have lost a child by suicide from stigmatized illnesses like addiction and depression, just don’t hear as much. We hear a lot of silence, awkwardness and change of subject and we Read more...

The 4 G’s of Grief

Grief:

Feeling heavy of heart

Gratitude:

Thankful to have spent a lot of time with Charles so I have a lot of memories. Thankful for friends who have reached out and supported me

Grace:

Understanding that he suffered from an illness and it was not a lifestyle choice

Giving Back:

Forging ahead with my promise not to be silent about suicide and mental health at Beacon Tree Foundation

And today, acknowledging the loss of others’ loved ones and that the holidays are also rough for them. My heart goes out to Amiya Moses‘ family today. She was only 12 … Read more...

Grief Dementia

The weird things about grief I never knew.

So both my husband and I are absent minded, we’re both losing everything we touch and forgetting what we wanted to say mid-sentence. I’m getting lost leaving my house and putting all kinds of engagements on the wrong day. Yesterday, I apparently had a lunch scheduled at 11:45pm and again on 11:45am Tuesday and 11:45am Wednesday with the same person. Tuesday was the right day but I had to email my lunch date to figure out which day and time was right. So logistically, I am all out of whack. Thank God … Read more...