The day after

charles-post

I remember waking up. Then dreading that I woke up and reality hitting me like ice water in the face.

My child is dead. I am the mother of child who killed himself. I actually feel as if I am in someone else’s skin because it feels so foreign and prickly. I just want to slide out of myself and into someone else’s life. Anything but the one I’m in right now.

Randy and I hold each other sobbing. The coulda, woulda, shoudas hitting us hard in the light of day.

How do I tell people my child is dead? … Read more...

Does losing a child by suicide hurt more?

davidpol_1460561912_Pain_Scale__Arvin61r58

It would be unfair to other moms and dads who have lost a child to say that my “hurt” was worse than theirs.

It hurts to lose a child. Period.

I also can’t compare because I’ve only had a child die one way and that’s by suicide. And besides that, grief journeys are very personal experiences.

Loss from suicide is like no other loss

That I can say.

What’s different about suicide is that on some visceral level, I feel it’s a choice–that my son chose to leave this earth even though I was in it.

Intellectually, I know Charles killed himself because he felt the world would be … Read more...

You can now choose daily or weekly updates to auto emails

Existing members of the blog subscribe email list can change their email preferences from daily to weekly. Just find the gray bar in your email and choose weekly.

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If there is a glitch, let me know by commenting here or replying to your email. Here is what those emails look like. 

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If you get the weekly email, you can update to daily with the MailChimp link above.

Thank you to Denise for suggesting a weekly update. I love your feedback and I … Read more...

Grief Glossary. Add your definitions!

Having some fun with grief. And you didn’t think that was possible did you? Those of us in the “club” can relate.grief-sculpture

Grief – The price you pay for having loved someone and lost them

Grief Ambush– When you are minding your own business and wham, grief hits you from behind and takes you down. You didn’t even see it coming. You feel the weight of it in your heart and all your limbs. It sticks around a while before it lifts slowly allowing you to breathe again. “Grief attack” is a synonym

Grief anxiety – Worrying that you’ll … Read more...

Grief: Going all ‘hallmark’ on you

grief quote

Grief and I have gone from not knowing each other at all to knowing each other well. What I thought it was compared with what it really is, are so far apart, I have to laugh. But then did I really want to know?

I thought it was only about sadness.

But it’s so much more.

The hair loss, hot flashes, memory losses, sleeplessness, shock, numbness, tiredness, daydreaming, memories, helplessness, pain, isolation, fear, heaviness and waves of despair are part of it.

Then there is that craving for just one more something from the one you love — the unfinished business that a suicide … Read more...

Anticipation of the first death anniversary

Me: I don’t know yet which is worse. The anticipation of June 5, Charles’ death anniversary, or the actual daycal_june5

Alter Ego: I’ve noticed you are sleeping restlessly again and the hot flashes are worse 

Me: And the heaviness in my limbs. It feels like the death anniversary will mean he is farther away from me

Alter Ego:  You’ll have to learn to carry him in your heart

Me: Sometimes I know what that means. Other times I don’t and I feel if I cling to my grief I’m closer to him and he won’t fade away

Alter Ego:  Did Read more...

To those who need it now, don’t let that pilot light of hope burn out

through all the terror i can find beauty and a glimpse of hope

Suicide is loss of hope.

And certainly after you lose a child by suicide, your sense of hope is hard to find.  What do you do after you lose one of the people that gives your life meaning?

The pain of losing my child by suicide was relentless at first until I just went numb and catatonic. That numbness is your body’s only defense to the onslaught of unbearable agony.

Yet through all that despair, I desperately held onto that tiny shred of hope that was going to keep me alive, keep me moving forward. I held onto it with everything I had. That awful night, my son and … Read more...

Top 10 posts in the last 6 weeks on annemoss.com

This is from April 16 until May 28. I started the blog at the very end of January.to 10 taboo posts

Here is the list from last time.

These are ranked by the number of visits from Google analytics so it’s basically your top ten.  I added a bonus #11 because although it’s Charles’ work which is important to me.

The one that ranks #1 is the one I thought no one would ever read or want to read. It was so cleansing for me to let go of it and not have it swirl around in my head all the time.… Read more...

To Charles: Letter to a Fellow Goon – by Jay Skinner

I want to laugh
I’ve heard the news
(and I heard it was you)
So I’m waiting for the punchline

I’m stifling certain giggles until the curtain drops
and we take one last bow together;
Cracking on the lines we jumbled,
the cues we missed
(I’ve got a feeling there’s a big one I should have seen)

You are Charles
(I chew the name like bubblegum; sweet)
but life isn’t a stage, or even an act
You are no one’s son
no one’s brother
no one’s shadow

You are not adjectives, or accomplishments
roles or reversals,
potential rap albums, or … Read more...

Grief: Finding joy where I can, when I can

Totally embarrassing video below

When Richard, oldest son, was here for the Richmond Film Festival early in March, we got some time to spend together. (His film Cottonmouth got in the festival.)

One day I took him and his roommate out to lunch. While we sat there eating, Richard said, “Hey Mom, do you want to go to the screenings with us this afternoon?” I said,”Yes I can. No plans!”

Whatever plans I had, poof, they were gone. Fortunately I had taken the day off and cannot even remember what my plans might have been.

In the car before we … Read more...