Strong emotional content and suicide method referenced. If you are in crisis, text “help” to 741-741 or call 988
I bet I am not the first mom to write their child in heaven. But this is my first letter to you since you died. I hope you get it because I am not sure how to have something sent to heaven.
It’s been about 8 months since you left us and I miss you. All the time. Every day. And I always will. There are days I wake … Read more...
Kids that were friends of Charles are growing up.
People move on.
And those of us still grieving feel kind of stuck sometimes. Forgotten even. That’s the isolating nature of grief.
It’s like there is the speed train and everyone is back on it. But us. We just watch as it speeds by, unable to get on that train. Limping on every once in a while but then having to exit because we simply can’t keep up with the pace.
Sometimes it’s hard to to see happy family pictures knowing that I will never have a picture with both my children … Read more...
Losing my child to suicide has forced me to take another look at my life. And it’s actually liberating to ditch things and basically spring clean my brain and no longer care about…..
1. What others think. I have never been one to worry a lot about this. But once I lost a child by suicide to depression and addiction, I totally let go of caring what others thought of me personally. You either take me as I am or you don’t. And conversely, I’m not going to be passing judgment on others either. It’s probably why I feel so … Read more...
Grief is painful and heavy. But it can also inspire you to go in a direction you would have never gone and inspire a new sense of passion. To honor Charles’ memory, I will no longer be silent about suicide. Silence kills.
I have submitted this video in my application for a TedXRVA talk. If you want to help, please nominate. Description is below.
Thank you Melanie Murray for suggesting this title: Suicide, the silent serial killer
Short description of the topic would be:
Suicide. The silent serial killer
Title: Co-Owner, Impression Marketing. Board member, Beacon Tree Foundation… Read more...
Guest post by Kimberly Gardner, North Carolina
If you have a bereaved parent in your life, remember that she/he is most likely choking down sobs in the quiet of their house. The silence of where their child’s voice should be, is deafening. They likely sob in the shower. In the car. Behind their computer screen….anywhere.
Show them in tangible ways that you care.
Show them you have not forgotten their child, no matter how many years have passed.
And for the love of everyone, remember to say our child’s name over and over again. It is music to our ears. … Read more...
If ever anyone is entitled to bitterness, I feel it would be those of us who have lost a child. Frankly, I don’t want to live my life feeling that way. It would be a disservice to my son that died as well as the one that lived.
I think the key to leaving bitterness behind is finding my direction and purpose in the most devastating tragedy of my life. My purpose as a mother was to raise my two boys to be thriving adults. To have one of them die by suicide at age 20 wasn’t part of that plan. With … Read more...
Alter Ego: A lot of new people at this party
Me: I love meeting new people
Alter Ego: What will you say if they ask how many kids you have?
Me: Maybe I will just mention Richard
Alter Ego: What about Charles?
Me: I don’t know. Just saying I have one sort of makes me feel like I don’t honor his memory
Alter Ego: Saying he died is such a conversation killer
Me: Well I’m not going to say “Hi my name is Anne Moss, I had a child die by suicide”
Alter Ego: Let’s hope not
Me: If it comes up…
Alter … Read more...
Charles died 8 months and 3 days ago from the above dateand these are the things that helped me find some peace.
While in group, there were times I felt like I was pouring alcohol in a wound when hearing everyone’s stories. I broke down with each one. However, exposing yourself to others in this way releases so much of your own pain. You bond with others in the same situation. Allowing the hurt leads to healing. It’s truly a relief and it allows you to let go.
Alter Ego: Are you really going to push that “publish” button and depress everyone?
Me: Well that’s not why I am writing all this.
Alter Ego: Then why?
Me: I am not sure why.
Alter Ego: Then why bring everybody else down? Who wants to read this crap? No one wants to be dragged into your grief about your dead child. Who wants to hear about that? This is your journey not theirs.
Me: They don’t have to read it. It’s not a required reading assignment
Alter Ego: You know people are going to feel forced or obliged to reach … Read more...
In short, it’s when grief sneaks up behind you and bam, ambushes you out of nowhere. It takes you down to your knees, it hurts like the devil, it doesn’t ask forgiveness nor does it apologize. You can’t function worth squat and you are confused and weepy.
Just when you think you can’t take another minute, hour or day, it subsides just a bit and then a little more and then some more until finally you see a sliver of light and you rush to open it wider because you are starved for a release from this pain.
Some have said it’s like … Read more...
When grieving, you feel very alone, very isolated. But do know if you are grieving, you are not alone. It’s simply that the nature of grieving has a component of pain so deep, you shut down temporarily to give yourself space to absorb the emotional tsunami that often takes you down to your knees or inspires you to scream at the car dashboard. The part where you feel your worst is where it’s the most isolating. You can’t share that part with anyone else. It’s simply too personal and a painful part of the process.
I do know that
Some days are tougher than others. You keep pulling yourself up over and over and by the end of the day, you’re just exhausted. And done. Just done. Usually, running lifts my spirits but this morning I kept having to force myself to keep it up. This was one of those days. Feels like this song. Funny, how his words are so relevant to my grief journey.
“This world is crushing me but I lift the weight
Look at star with a different face you’ll see tomorrow
The world will be a better place”—Charles Rogers… Read more...
I remember a trip I took to my grandmother’s when I was around 9 or 10 years old.
Usually, I’d stay in the room with twin beds with my grandmother when we visited and one morning I woke up and saw my grandmother standing up in front of her dresser crying and looking at a picture. Curious and worried, I asked my grandmother what was the matter. She told me that it was Lou Maddy’s birthday and she would have been 40 years old that day. I asked her who Lou Maddy was and she said she was her … Read more...
Those of us who have lost a child CRAVE pictures and memories about our child more than ANYTHING in the world because it’s all we have. One of the things people will tell you is that once someone dies, you find out all these things about your loved one that you never knew and it makes you smile.
But I have to tell you that those of us who have lost a child by suicide from stigmatized illnesses like addiction and depression, just don’t hear as much. We hear a lot of silence, awkwardness and change of subject and we … Read more...
Feeling heavy of heart
Thankful to have spent a lot of time with Charles so I have a lot of memories. Thankful for friends who have reached out and supported me
Understanding that he suffered from an illness and it was not a lifestyle choice
Forging ahead with my promise not to be silent about suicide and mental health at Beacon Tree Foundation
And today, acknowledging the loss of others’ loved ones and that the holidays are also rough for them. My heart goes out to Amiya Moses‘ family today. She was only 12 … Read more...