Carrying him in my heart

I find myself adopting traits that Charles had.

Ones I did not possess before his death, I now have. Like they were somehow passed on to me.

I am able to spot a fake a mile away. I can tell, like he could, when someone is suffering inside even if they are smiling on the outside. I can see something written on social media that everyone else takes one way and know immediately that person is either in trouble and needs help or just needs someone to reach out.

Like my son that died by suicide, I’ve always been passionate … Read more...

Hopes and Dreams

movie-theater-charlesOn June 5, 2015, my son died by suicide. With him, all the hopes and dreams I had of who he would become evaporated in an instant.

Your kids are your life. And when one of them is taken away, part of your life goes with him. Part of my soul died that day and my grief journey meant finding new hopes and dreams, all while mourning the loss of the ones that would never come true.

Charles had “it.” He wanted to be famous. Wanted his music to be famous. And he had all the ingredients although I don’t … Read more...

Living with grief. It’s not all sad.

grief2

Sometimes grief sits beside me and I wonder why, at that particular time, it’s not crushing my heart. Those are the days it just glides at my side.

Sometimes it sits on my chest, invades my limbs and sucks my motivation. Those are the days it weighs me down.

Sometimes it slaps me in the face and throws me in a dark hole.

Sometimes it makes my heart swell up and feel like it’s going to burst.

Sometimes grief leaves me on the verge of tears and I feel on edge.

Sometimes it brings me a memory that makes me smile.

Sometimes it takes a … Read more...

Wish list

lamp

I wish I could have one more hug.

I wish I had known that phone call was my last.

I wish Charles had not died by suicide.

I wish my dreams of his future had not been shattered.

I wish I was not staring at an empty seat at our holiday table.

I wish I had a my own dream of Jeanie.

But I am thankful, too.

Thankful I stayed home with my children and I have those memories.

Thankful that I have the love and support that I do.

Thankful Charles was part of my life.

Thankful for what the experience has taught me.

Thankful … Read more...

Grief: How relationships with friends have changed

friendship-after-a-loss

A friend and I had a conversation just recently. And we talked about how things have changed with my friends. For one thing, having lost a child doesn’t exactly put you at the top of an invite list for social events.

Once I noticed this, I made the decision not to be bitter but to host more events on my own and reach out more. Start my own party so to speak.

But why was I still feeling left out?

My friend said something interesting in our conversation, “We haven’t changed how we’ve treated you.” And in general, that’s true.… Read more...

My heart was hacked

map2000This website was hacked. I know many of you noticed because I got so many, “Where is it?” messages.

What I didn’t expect was how devastated and out of sorts I would be. I didn’t realize how attached I was to the village I have cultivated here.

I missed writing. I missed your commentary. And it was only down 38 hours but it felt like a month.

It was then I realized this is my baby.

As you guys know, I post something every day. The attack felt so personal, I literally felt like I was losing my child all … Read more...

Dear friend

mickey-minnie-charles-disney-2008

The last time I saw you, my son was alive. My son Charles grew up with yours. Yet when we ran into each other, you didn’t mention his name. In fact, you looked like you were afraid of me. I think if you had had enough warning, you would have avoided me all together.

When I lost my son, I did not erase him from my family tree. Nor did I erase him from my memory. But when I run into people who say nothing, it makes me feel like my child never counted for anything.

You worry that you’ll … Read more...

The holidays hurt

christmas_png3774As early as August, Walmart was stocking the garden shelves with Christmas decor. I wanted to lodge a complaint. Those decorations were a threat and I felt offended.

Must they assault me with holiday tacky in August?

I couldn’t even find the garden clippers which end up being outside buried next to the fertilizer. But I could find a singing santa! That should help with fall gardening.

Like a tsunami, they’re coming whether I like it or not

And I can’t stop them. Can’t get a year off either.

I’d like to skip those two months and the pain of … Read more...

My brain on grief unless I write

hamster-wheelIt is emotionally draining to write some of these posts. I do revisit the emotions of losing my son to suicide all over again which hurts like the devil.

The truth is the stories run round and round in my head like a hamster wheel. When I am stubborn and refuse to write about it, my thoughts stalk me until I let it out.

Stuffing the grief makes it worse–makes me feel like I’m stuck in quicksand.

I have from 10-20 unfinished entries in the back end of this website at any given time. Brain dumps some of them. Many … Read more...

5 things to help you find hope after tragedy

How do you get the worst news of your life and move forward? How do you weather a tragedy that alters your life so much you can’t see how you can survive? How do you find the strength to enjoy life after that? Will you ever laugh again?

At first, you are in shock, moving through a fog. It’s hard to put anything in order and you feel lost and in disbelief. But once you come out of the fog, you need to find your way and you have to fight for it. Because we only have one life and I want … Read more...