Tree hugging heart – #griefheart 77

I saw this on our hike Sunday down by the river. I don’t believe in spray painting trees but here it was in our path already painted so I had to take a picture.

Charles must have been with us on this hike and given this tree a hug. It just made me feel good to see it and I took it as a sign.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

Read more...

My heart will rebound – #griefheart 76

rubberband-heart

“I once held love in my hands, but she ran, and the pain snapped back like rubber bands.” –Verse for the Lonely, by Charles Aubrey Rogers

The truth is you can’t grieve if you’ve never loved. And I will never regret having had Charles or the love I shared with my son.

My heart will rebound although it will always feel the pain of the loss.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project 

Read more...

Forgiving myself

charles aubrey rogers

We have sketchy information on the last two weeks of my son, Charles’s life.

And at one point he insists he’s not doing drugs and wants to come home. But we have had multiple drug tests that say otherwise.

We tell him he has rent paid up at the recovery house and he needs to stay there first. All he has to do is three days in detox and then he can go back there.  That’s the path to home.

If he’s not doing drugs, it will be a piece of cake. And we are not entirely certain of his … Read more...

Weeping Heart – #griefheart 76

The car is second only to the shower when it comes to best places to cry. Sometimes it’s a memory that triggers the tears. Sometimes it’s a song on the radio that reminds me of Charles. I am not afraid of them nor am I ashamed of them.

Letting them out brings relief and reminds me how much I loved my boy.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

Read more...

Burned Heart – #griefheart 75

Sometimes it does feel like a hole has been burned in my heart. While that hole will never be completely filled, I believe it can heal. Giving back and being part of something bigger than yourself is part of that process.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

Read more...

Eternal Love – #griefheart 74

Charles may have died but my love for him never will.  It burns eternal in my soul.

From Charles:

“So play this when your day is gray when hope is dim
When happiness is growing slim
Listen to me rap then reverse the grim
Burn the hurt, let my words do the work”

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

Get updates to this project by subscribing

Read more...

The last lunch

This is #2 follow up to this article:

Saturday Charles

We arrive at the sober house to pick Charles up for lunch, anxious to see the bubbly fun “Saturday Charles” again. It was intoxicating the previous day.

The house is neat and quite nice.  The house manager doesn’t know where Charles is.

Charles had texted that he went to the river and got lost. He had zero sense of direction and like me, can’t find his way out of a paper bag. He should have been back by now though.

We are texting and calling and he’s not answering. I … Read more...

Bizarre heart – #griefheart 73

Charles loved the bizarre. The odder it was, the better. From the jokes he told to the raps he wrote, he saw the world from a unique viewpoint. Which is what made him so special.

I have to wonder about the artist that created this. Nobody normal cooks up an iron pig with a heart, right? Just the sort of crazy, creative $#(+ Charles would invent if he happened to be into sculpture.  His suicide ended what would have been a most interesting journey. I miss that so much–his alternative view of the world.

My friend Melanie sent this to … Read more...

Holding onto hope heart – #griefheart 72

Holding onto hope heart
Holding onto hope heart

Even though I’ve suffered the most devastating loss of my life, I can never lose hope. And for those who suffer suicidal thoughts, or have a loved one who does, please don’t let that last shred of hope ever escape.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Read more...

Saturday Charles

Charles sent this to a friend while in detox
Charles sent this to a friend while in detox

Trigger warning: Strong emotional content and suicide method mentioned.

Charles wasn’t living at home at the time of his suicide.

Not because we had thrown him out or asked to leave the house due to his drug use. He had been stealing from us (almost all my silver was gone) and we sent him to his grandparents so we could figure out our next step. It was their idea and it sounded like a good one.

So we put him on a plane to see his grandparents in Georgia. (We live … Read more...