Flat Hearted – #griefheart number 30

Some days my heart doesn’t feel sad or happy, it feels flat and lifeless. As if all the juice was sucked out of it like an orange.

It’s those days when I feel a bit dazed, confused, catatonic–like the walking dead. I know now that this doesn’t last forever. When I feel flat, it’s hard to jump start myself out of it and it’s best to just wait it out. It does pass. Episodes now are not as long as they once were.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far … Read more...

BFF Heart – #griefheart number 29

We got news of Charles’ death about 9pm at night. By the time we called Richard and our parents, it was pretty late. I knew Martha didn’t stay up late on Friday nights. She has a very physical job as a special Ed teacher with autistic kids. Many of these kids need a lot of help so I knew she wouldn’t be up.

So first thing when her feet hit the floor June 6, she thinks, “I need to call Anne Moss.” And she did very early which she never did since I am not a morning person. Somehow she … Read more...

Deflated Heart – #griefheart number 28

Since this is my first Mother’s Day since my son Charles’ suicide, it’s not the best. It’s one day, right?

Thinking about all the women who are grieving the loss of a mom, a child, a grandmother, a sister, an infant or lost pregnancy. And the ones who are struggling to conceive and are not yet moms–but ache to be.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

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My alter ego talks me through my first Mother’s Day

Alter Ego:  It’s Mother’s Day today. Your first

Me: Now that’s a new definition of the first Mother’s Day

Alter Ego: It’s the first since his suicide

Me: I just want to die

Alter Ego: Really? 

Me: No, not really. I planned the birthday and death anniversary but there so many occasions. I just failed to plan for this one. 

Alter Ego: What would you have done? 

Me: Planned a surgery that lasted all day 

Alter Ego:  Well you don’t need surgery

Me: No. I just need the anesthesia

Alter Ego:  It’s just one day

Me: I know, I know. Read more...

Love from Albuquerque – #griefheart number 27

#griefheart

Mariana Marko sent this to me from a trip in New Mexico. So sweet to get “This made me think of you” as it relates to this #griefheart project. There something very thoughtful and intimate about it.

I didn’t set out on this #griefheart project with a bunch of rules because I wanted it to take a life of its own somehow–to guide me kind of like the grief journey does. I am getting through this with the help and support of friends and family. And love these thoughtful “gifts” by message. Thank you Marianna.

By the way, it’s a … Read more...

Dedicated Heart – #griefheart number 26

Tonight at the Beacon Tree Trees of Hope event, we’ll dedicate an engraved brick to the meditation garden at Byrd Park in Charles’ name. It’s been 11 months since Charles died by suicide.

This brick isn’t just a memorial, it’s an investment in hope. My purpose for the last 6 years and going forward is to help children with mental illness get the emotional and financial support they need so that no other parent has to stand in the shoes I stand in now. That’s the only way my own heart can heal.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain … Read more...

Unmotivated Heart – #griefheart number 25

Some days, it’s a struggle to get out of bed and face the day. Charles is the first thing I think about in the morning, the last thing I think about when I fall asleep. Still.

But I do it. I keep that pilot light of hope lit by putting my feet to the floor. Some days are harder than others. Bright sunny days, it’s easier. Drab, rainy and cloudy days are more of a challenge. But I will get up every day because I have a purpose. And I can’t work towards that purpose wallowing under my covers feeling … Read more...

Dear Heroin, I F-ing HATE you!

You are the sorriest, most vicious, demonic son of a bitch in the world.

You took over my child at his most vulnerable and you lured him into your lair of deceit. Then wrapped your evil talons around him, leaked into his brain and never let go until he was dead.

You told him that he was the greatest human being in the world–and then the most worthless. You ostracized him from his family and his friends and made him do things he would not ever have done without your influence.

You made him lie, cheat and steal for you. … Read more...

Heart of Hope – #griefheart number 24

So days and days of rain. I go to improv last night and one of my class mates says, “Did you see that rainbow earlier?” No, I missed it!

So I take the dog out for a walk today. Still no rainbow. But wait. There is one. I was looking in the wrong place. It’s not in the sky, it’s on the sidewalk. And it survived the rain? Yes, that’s a griefheart. A heart of hope.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by… Read more...

Men get little support in grief

greatest-struggleI was recently talking with a Dad who lost his son. He mentioned that his best friend was often by his side but never openly spoke about the death of his son, leaving him no real options for talking about the devastating loss other than his wife and the occasional chance meetings with someone like me.

I talked with him about the fact that for the most part, men do not get the support that women do. About the fact that as awkward as the subject is to most people, the men in particular have a hard time discussing it … Read more...