Heart of steel – #griefheart number 11

These were Charles’ favorite shoes. Nanny gave them to him. These were the last shoes he was wearing when he died by suicide. So ironic that he’d be wearing “Man of Steel” shoes.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on the blog by #griefheart category.

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Addiction: What is rock bottom?

Everyone tells you that tough love is the way to go with those with substance abuse disorder (aka addiction).  What no one tells you is when to help your addict.

Rock

No one defines “rock bottom” or when it might be time to actually help your addict.

Everyone’s bottom is different. But everyone concentrates so much on the boundaries, which you need to do, few consider when they might reach in and help their addict get into recovery.

What might that cry for help sound like?

What would make a cry for help different than the multiple calls you’ve gotten before? How do … Read more...

Heavenly heart – #griefheart number 9

#griefheart 8 -heavenly heart

For whatever reason I’m wondering about clouds and heavens today. Thinking about Charles running around on them. So thinking about heaven as an 8-year-old might. I think the image is inspired by the Run Free song Charles wrote where he talks about leaving earth.

I wonder if that’s the fantasy many have when contemplating suicide. It has to be better than here where everything hurts so much. He is at peace now. No longer hurting.

Part of that Run Free song.

“I am sick of all the hurt and the burn
Ima runaway runaway and never return.
Never COMIN’ back… Read more...

Family Matters – a rap by Charles Aubrey Rogers

(aka Reezin the Revolutionary)

Granbobby used to make my card disappear,
and pull a quarter out of my ear,
Momma how’d I end up here?
Life was so different,
I was so innocent,
Who knew I’d ever act like a criminal,
My love for you is far from minimal
Daddy was my hero,
He’s who I wanted to be like,
Taught me how to ride a bike,
Taught me how to live my life.
But you know me,
I never listen to advice.

I write this for family,
The ones I see on holidays annually,
I’m grateful for everything … Read more...

Musical heart – #griefheart number 8

#griefheart Musical heart #8
Musical heart

“I found my place amongst these beats
And my passion with these stanzas.”
–Charles Aubrey Rogers, 1995-2015

This one is inspired by two songs I thought were lost forever. Charles loved his rap music. He was rarely spotted without those earphones around his neck or earbuds in his ears.

The iPod pictured is one we got for him in 8th grade. He loved it. It held tens of thousands of songs. These are what helped him cope and inspired his writing. You might think of rap music as “bad” but I think without it, Charles would have exited a long … Read more...

Family Love – #griefheart number 7

For months, I have mourned not having this song, “Family Matters.” Charles wanted to record that rap song and publish it to iTunes through Imperial Alliance Media, but he died before that happened. I believe he wrote this one about 10 months before he died. So I pick up his backpack and turn to a page and there it is! I have been looking and looking. And it was here the whole time. What a gift.

Charles died by suicide June 5, 2015 and I think he wrote it in May of 2014 before he was addicted to anything. … Read more...

How did I end up in this f—ing club?

Sometimes I just can’t believe I’m the one that lost a child. That was something that happened to other people. Not me. And not only did my child die, he died by suicide.

I could argue that I know my purpose now
But this “purpose” has such a high price tag.charles-beach

Some days I feel like I am barely able to scrape myself together. I wake up and just can’t believe I am in this place. I have to endure it, shape it, live it. It’s so much work. There’s no magic pill, no “fixing” it. It just is.

This … Read more...

Grateful Heart – #griefheart number 6

I had wondered at one point, “How do I show grateful heart?”

This group of friends added a bright spot to my life in my darkest hour. And they continue to do so. Before Charles died, they listened. Since his death, they listen.

You should see all the contortions we went through to get this right. We tried all kinds of complex moves. But in the end, simplicity won. This one in particular means a lot to me. The group effort a part of that love. 🙂 See the outtakes below.

There have been other special friends (BFFs) in my … Read more...

Hurting Heart – #griefheart number 5

Been painful this month. I think because his birthday is April 26. He would have been 21.

What is this all about? I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on the blog by #griefheart category.

Read more...