by “Bernadette”
I’ve been messaging with a young lady who is truly delightful, but also in immense pain. She struggles with suicidality and has teetered precariously on the edge more than a few times. I’m glad to say that she is still here today.
During our chats, she has shared with me feeling isolated and being afraid to ask for help – for fear of those doing the “helping” calling 911. She has reminded me that this is something that should be shared. While it is engrained in most of us that 911 is the go-to for all emergencies, those of us in the world of Suicidology know that it should only be used as a last resort. Other crisis lines, like 988 or 741-741 have trained crisis workers ready to address a mental health crisis. Many with mental health issues have had negative encounters with police, and engaging 911 will bring police – and may escalate the crisis or further trigger the person who is in crisis.
Do You Have A Safety Plan?
I posed this question to her – and she does. With her detailed plan, she also has a safety circle – a trusted group of friends she can call upon when she is in crisis. It is only when she asked me why people leave suicide notes to be read “after” they are gone instead of giving those within their circle a “before” note. Wouldn’t it be easier to write the “before” note? And wouldn’t the trusted circle members rather read something “before?”
EUREKA! Well, of course they would. But calling it a “before” note somehow just popped that little lightbulb right above my head. While it is the act of asking for help, which is part of all safety plans, being able to label and include the task of “before note” in the safety plan might be enough to help her (and you) through a crisis. I hope so.
Pain Speaks Eloquently To Those Who Listen
Posting with her permission, she shared this beautiful poem written through her struggles with wanting to be. Here. Again.
Here Again
Murky water, foggy sky –
Murky mind, wondering why
I’m here again.
Can’t see bottom, can’t see shore,
Don’t know if I can swim more –
Stuck here again.
I want to scream, I want to shout,
But tears are all that I let out,
Crying, “Here again?!”
Thought I could swim, thought I’d gained skill,
But I’m tired and losing will,
Being here again.
Exhausting to keep choosing right,
I wish I could give up the fight
That’s here again.
Can’t do my job, wish to be dead,
I feel I’ve failed and hang my head
To be here again.
Somehow, I reach for a lifeline,
Ask for help, say I’m not fine –
I’m here again.
Clearing water, clearing sky,
Clearing mind – yet not clear why
I’m still here… still here again.
I just want to say thanks again for trying to help me and so many others
I didn’t have a ‘before’ note. And that time in my life that I battled the coersive inner power to end my life I was also struggle with many questions as to ‘.. what the fuck is all this about, the suffering, the loneliness, the emptiness, the narrative I had held as a child, ‘..you can’t kill someone who is already dead…’. That was a tough time for me. I got through it and the reflection of this experience I had sustains me, as it reminds me to value intrinsically, the essence of who I am, not what someone else thinks about me.
I journal, and I also paint. I have done many painting to express my deepest despair and the journey I have been on. And I am grateful I am still here.
Thank you Anne for all you publish.
Happy to share some of the painting if you are interested.
kind regards Susanne
This is so beautifully written. Thank you for being so eloquent. And I would love to see some of your work.
I just wanted to add what I feel is my own particular reason for living in case it can support others who struggle with this question. Sometimes I find myself asking the question as to the purpose of my existence; the reason for going on.
I ask myself, What if I had never been born? And the answer is that I exist to pick up a little caterpillar who is caught in the fibres of a carpet as I gently extract him and put him outside or the time that I managed to remove a sticky piece of fluff from the legs of a spider who was slowly dying from the exertion of trying to remove it himself. That is the answer, the only answer that I can find to my “What if…” For l know from experience that many people just wouldn’t help these critters, believing them to be less than us
What a beautiful poem. Having lost my son to his bipolar illness and struggling with it myself, this poem describes it perfectly. I’m not sure why I am still here. I should have been gone a long time ago, but I had children to look after so I stayed. I now have grandchildren, so still here it seems. Thank you for this.
Thank you for sharing this poem and the insights into how some people struggle with their pain and with being here. It can certainly be a tough road especially for those who are alone or who feel isolated in their pain.
As to the Suicide Note, I guess some people only write and leave one once they in a particular space in time. As sad as l now feel, I am grateful for having this final note even though it shall lie forever alone in a darkened desk draw; for I at least know it is there. It was my partner’s final words that he wished to share with me – in that moment in time. It contains what was important to him and what he wanted me to know and yet, it doesn’t contain all that I believe he would have wanted me to know. He left it after for his mind most likely told him that I would need something later to hold onto.
If only we can hold on to something outside of ourselves which will give us meaning to continue and hopefully to diminish our pain.
I sometimes awaken and upon being aware of a new day, I curse the awakening but at other times, I awaken and I am glad as I think about supporting others who are in pain