I told the story about Leo. Now it’s Lisa’s turn.
This one has a whole different outcome, one that still has me in deep reflection months later. It wasn’t without twists and turns. It would be my stomach and my heart that took that journey.
Lisa: “Hey, im a 16 year old girl, im done living it’s too hard, and I don’t just want the pain to end i wanna die im so tired of being here. im planning on doing it this week. before you tell something ive already heard like ” it will get better ” “your strong just keep fighting” “you have a family who loves you” or ” you have so much to look forward too”.
Of course, I answered all her comments and we talked back and forth for about a week. Lisa wrote a detailed message about her plans to die and they were horrifying and included more than one person. I felt…panicked.
Was there a thread in her conversation that indicated a willingness to talk to someone?
There was so I just planted that seed.
Lisa: “today, is the day, and I’m really scared, there is still so much I have to do today to make it possible, but I feel like I have to now.
I’ve been grounded since February so for 5 months and I’ve been stuck at home in my emotionally abusive household, and physically abusive the whole time, the only thing making me happy right now is my friends and I never get to see them, only at school but I can’t hang out with them at school cuz I’m failing all my classes….”
You thought I felt panicked before? I do deep breathing exercises.
Her home situation wasn’t good. For a 16-year-old, there were so many things that aspects of her life that were falling apart.
I did not freak out. She had spoken of a teacher at school. Had she spoken to him yet?
I can’t save her. I can only help her save her own life. Would she talk to this guy?
Lisa: “I’m still alive…my socials teacher saved my life, and as happy and grateful as I am to him, all he did was showed me he cared for probably less than an hour, and that is what saved my life. how can my life be so disposable that if it went the other way I probably would have been dead, all I needed was one person to make me feel like they actually care and there is hope for me, but it wasn’t my friends, my family, it was my high school socials teacher, that I’ve talked to one before, how did he have so much power over my life.”
Relief floods over me.
I saved that passage and use it in presentations to show that sometimes all it takes is one person who is willing to listen. I cry every time I read it.
She just wanted to feel heard and seen.
I wish I could meet this teacher and give him a hug.
Thank goodness I am still alive though only if I was like everyone else and not struggling the world would treat me better but I do try to convince myself out of it that this is just the condition. The hard thing to is when I am not preoccupying myself in social situations it comes back.
I was also told stay away from meds side effects be careful. Sometimes I try to look up special vitamins that treat paranoia naturally maybe I can find one. At the same time though I should not self diagnose.
I am grateful you are still here too. My mom took lexapro and it worked well. She has serious anxiety her whole life. But you try meds and see what works for you. It’s a pin I. The neck but something to take the edge off until you can reframe some of your fears can help. Just make sure to were down your fears and questions and ask the person you see.
I’m sorry your mom struggled with anxiety. It can be very hard to have mental health issues of any kind they really impair your functioning socially especially when those anxiety thoughts turn into bitter feelings towards the world.
She did lessen her suffering over time.
I am back again I feel like I was doing better but then really struggling a lot again everyday I just feel like now in social situations never happy anxious upset feeling frightened easily startled paranoid and I told my mom but I also started to become very angry and defensive because I really do think their is threats coming and only being directed at me I mean like I tried to stay happy like my mom told me and be positive but everyone just seems to ignore me or give me nasty angry cold stares? Is their a reason for this? I even questioned myself and told myself why do they hate me for no apparent reason what did I ever do wrong to them? So it is very hard at times I actually start to believe they really want to harm me. I also think to the reason why I am glad to share here is that no one else can be trusted with this information about mental health issues. I know I am suffering alot right now I also started to think I am the only one suffering from this kind of thing and mean people out thier like how I am suffering through this mental illness which also makes me feel very angry at the world and other people. I am only angry at them because I feel inside deeply vulnerable and powerless and knowing that people like this are easy targets for bullies and people who harm others. It has made me lose it so much all I want to do is hide somewhere where no one is I don’t want to talk to anyone but nice people I don’t want to do anything I don’t want to go out anywhere I only want to be by myself. Tough struggles especially multiple conditions at one time. At one point my mom was concerned about how much I started to isolate myself and become irritable and distrustful and distant of people. She said yes I think we need to keep looking into therapy or something for you. I am now refusing and I just told her I have no interest in it anymore I am sorry I am too troubled and in too much pain with these worries delusions some hallucinations irritableness fear and sadness. She told me I am so grateful to have you as my son that made me feel so much better! Sometimes I feel like killing myself would only make the pain stop! I tend to put all my troubles and every painful thing I am going through on others because I feel the suffering is caused by that.
May I ask for privacy after you read my comments can you delete them or can we start on a separate page thankyou?
Sure. I’ll reply to you via email.
Lots of high emotions and difficulties right now I feel like I am the only one that was struggling and is weak and powerless to think and make decisions in my own life but I understand everyone has a different need. My mom was very in tune though she noticed I have become way more closed off and different around people than I used to be. She could also tell I hide my true self around others and I feel like I do that because of the way they behave.
One thing that I told my mom is that I know these hard times will pass but then I ask myself why are they not. She told me everyone asks that question.
It’s true. They do ask that. Life has ups and it has downs. And if weren’t for the downs we wouldn’t know how to appreciate it all together. I tried to reach out by email but the message came back. I just want you to know that I hear you. And I can tell your mom is worried about you and loves you. I know that because I am a mom. 🙂
Thankyou all our emotions are natural responses to everything we experience in daily life.
I have been practicing prayer and this has worked.
Really? Any particular prayer speak to you that you’d like to share?
I am so grateful to hear from you Derek. Thank you.
Defently I will try to focus on the fun and not let the anxiety kick in I will try to forget about it like I did before and go with the flow I will also practice your skills to and if it comes I will tell myself that this is your mind playing tricks on you no one is judging you because your different I was told everyone is just doing thier own thing.
It’s ok to pause, acknowledge the anxiety and proceed with the words you wrote. It’s important to feel the feelings and you can even talk to your anxiety and tell it you know it’s just trying to warn you but there is no fire. But your strategy is good! I might copy those words and share the tactic with others. Anonymously in workshops of course.
Update on how I am doing I was doing well the other days but now my paranoia is so bad again I am always constantly hyper vigilant and anxious of everyone I try to convince myself this is not real and it is just my mental health issue but it feels very real. If I don’t preoccupy myself when this comes around it becomes to the point where I think the whole world is collapsing on me I tried those tools before and I tried to preoccupy myself. I just feel so badly sometimes because I feel like I am the only one that is different from other people. My paranoia also convinced me to that everyone else is happy and I had a voice in my head that told me they only want to harm you derak. I try to convince myself this is not real and keep my joy but I also get paranoia delusions to that they really do want to harm me and every malicious look someone gives my way or even the nice people now are trying to do something harmful to derak. This has also made me feel aggressive towards people never acting on it but in general. My mom told me we need to fix this otherwise you will never be able to socialize properly and work. I do ask a true question is it my fault for being the way I am or do we all have quirks. I try to convince myself to that I am not the only one suffering everybody is different.
My mom was right though I told her that I am just tied up in the middle right now I want to get treatment of some kind and I will at some point I just have a very hard time wondering where to start off and how I will be able to do it.
I think this is what leads to the self harm thoughts to is it starts off like me believing something that is not true thinking it is happening to me and then I internalize it as real.
I can always hope though that I can find other beneficial ways to treat this.
Delusions of paranoia have told me this – don’t try to get treatment Derald we will never be able to diagnose your condition what is the point. Treatment will just make you sicker. The person treating you derald is only in treating you to make money not because they care about your health. Derald I think it is just best that you keep to yourself no one will want to help you anyways it is too much of a big deal.
At least I have tried everything I could at this point with this illness.
Thank you for being so supportive.
The result of all this outcome though is growing up being bullied a lot in high school seeing people mistreat eachother the news having strangers be mean to me just because I am a happy outgoing person.
All my neighbors are nice and teachers and other friends family relatives colleagues coworkers but it just still lingers from those few effects.
The issue with that is bullying and any type of mistreatment from someone can cause many kinds of issues mentally physically and emotionally.
Then that’s where my paranoia tells me see they all hate you and want to harm you Derak.
But I try to convince myself that this is a delusion.
I have also found it hard to talk to strangers I still am polite outgoing and talk to them but I feel very uncomfortable in doing so. And then I also feel like if I am nervous people with target and bully me more to because it happens a lot.
I feel like if they see I am different or nervous when talking to them it will change me.
The reason why though I think this is delusions paranoia mental health anxiety is because I was never like this before it changed when everything happens around the world on the news and when I was mistreated.
I do think you are ready for treatment and do t hesitate to look for another therapist if the first one doesn’t work out. A group will be good too. A peer group. I am not sure what country you are in though.
This “ I had a voice in my head that told me they only want to harm you derak.” This is most likely anxiety and not schizophrenia. You are really self aware and that leads me to believe that but I am hardly going to say that’s a definite diagnosis. But given how self aware you are and descriptive, I think you’d be a great patient who would benefit a lot. If I was a social worker I would want you as a patient.
You have come a long way just since posting here. You have talked to your mom, are considering therapy and tried some healthy strategies. Alm of those show that you want to help yourself you are just nervous about the next step because of fear of the unknown. This really is very natural. Acknowledge how a you are to take this step. Talk to your anxious self and thank derak for trying to warn you. But you are goi g to try it anyway because it won’t kill you. And anxiety is all about protecting you. But in so doing often goes overboard. Thank you for offering a status update. I appreciate that.
I think the hardest part for me with my mental health is not those other feelings I was going through but the paranoia even though I try to control it and I can still be happy and live a happy life I have noticed it recently becoming worse and worse feeling like I can’t function normally I feel like oh everyone else does not feel the way I do and I am the only one suffering. Another reason I delayed help is because even though I know what my symptoms are it is hard to tell what could be going on also I worry about medication making it worse and I don’t know where to start. I already struggle with enough fear that other people will notice my paranoia and think badly about me so I just decided to keep quiet about it until now.
I also tend to blame myself for the problems with myself to like this I feel like even though I am a very social happy guy I am not normal like everybody else and I also have done a very good job in public places hiding the way I feel from other people all over the years. I thought I could deal with this thing myself but at this point I don’t know what to do I guess I just have to deal with it.
All your fears are valid. Please copy them from here or write them on your phone. Because if you do go see a doctor, you should ask those questions. And he or she should answer those questions honestly. As the agent of your mental health, it’s perfectly valid to voice your concerns and allow the practitioner to answer them. The provider will have probably heard them before and usually doesn’t judge. I would want to know those answers, too.
The paranoia is something that is a concern and for that reason it’s one of those symptoms that usually needs professional help to get under control because it seems to activate everything else and make it worse. You are intuitive and still maintain mostly sane moments and even recognize ones in yourself that are not. And that’s a good place from which to make progress. It’s always best to intervene early instead of waiting for all-out crisis. Think of it this way. Is it easier to get out of the water 5 miles up from the waterfall or right as the waterfall is about to spill over? Obviously upstream is easier. So I’m not suggesting you see a psychiatrist but you mentioned it because it’s been on your mind and I’m just saying given what you are struggling with, it’s a good idea. Low dose is better than no does and if you are having psychotic episodes you want to arrest them now because they can eventually erode your brain’s gray matter which isn’t good. At this point, everything is still intact enough to heal which is good. At least from what I can tell.
Do go in with your list of fears, concerns and questions. Before you ask them you can even express your fear of being humiliated for asking them so they understand to answer with empathy, compassion and professionalism. Because that’s what you deserve.
Thankyou for your support this sounds like a great idea now that I learned something new eventually the gray matter will corrode it eventually sometime later on at least later on but I think when my intuition tells me like you said it is easier to get out before the water tips over whether it can be severe or not it is always better to stop it early I also learned another quote to for the moment everything may be okay but my gut instinct told me through words that sooner or later eventually something will happen that we don’t want to. Thank goodness it is still early it is never to late to start I was told at least do some kind of treatment it does not even have to be rigorous treatment then they said light treatment or some kind of treatment is fine but don’t just let your feet sink. Quote.
The part where you said Do go in with your list of fears, concerns and questions. Before you ask them you can even express your fear of being humiliated for asking them so they understand to answer with empathy, compassion and professionalism. Because that’s what you deserve.
I love this supporting pep talk – I really like this and it helps me feel way more confident and easy when I do go in and gives me a boost because it can be very difficult for most people to start at first we all have to take steps.
I am glad you are so intuitive to notice symptoms early enough. Not everyone does. Let me know how it’s going for you. I’m here OK? Your questions are important.
Socializing is ok just the anxiety and paranoia get in the way at times I still love socializing just can’t stand how anxiety stands in the way.
The trick is to work through that initial anxiety to get to the fun. And here’s the thing. Everyone has some level of anxiety. If we let that become a barrier, the anxious part, then we avoid and then we never learn to work through it. The anxiety is unpleasant and who would not want to avoid unpleasant. But when you work though it you realize it won’t kill you. So how can you help yourself in that moment to work through it? I will share what I do and maybe it will lead you to your process which will be different. I say “everyone looks comfortable but they are probably not. And I am just going to dive in because the alternative of being isolated is not good for me.” I have all kinds of pep talks and ways to work through situations because I use “opposite action.” That’s a DBT skill that helps me understand that sometimes the opposite of what I want to do is what I need to do. So do look up the skill. Of all the ones out there, it’s the one I use a lot to push me out of a rut and keep me from avoiding.
The trick is to work through that initial anxiety to get to the fun. And here’s the thing. Everyone has some level of anxiety. If we let that become a barrier, the anxious part, then we avoid and then we never learn to work through it. The anxiety is unpleasant and who would not want to avoid unpleasant. But when you work though it you realize it won’t kill you. So how can you help yourself in that moment to work through it? One of my favorite DBT skills is “opposite action” and it helps me the most in anxious situations.
Sounds awesome I try to focus on something else like the fun to then hopefully if I distract myself and I forget that I have anxiety then it fades.
I think what mostly has been hard for me struggling with mental health for a few years now is the paranoia I experience with everything that has gone on I am still a very happy person but at times it is hard I feel like I am a weak person for being scared and a few years ago I had voice telling me – everyone hates you , or voices telling me everyone wants me dead or other things like no one would care if I am not around anymore and I struggled with this so hard I started having hate bitter and aggression and distrust to the whole world I was still nice to people but I felt really sad angry afraid upset and traumatized I even could not sleep at night because of fear of anyone doing something to me I still have delusions like this up until these days sometimes it effects my social functioning even when I am happy I tell myself what will they think if I show them my vulnerability they will just use it against me again.
I was bullied in school for a very long time by many students especially boys , I try to show people my happiness I get happiness to but there are lots of people who give me unhappy looks , there are also these older men at times who have acted aggressive towards me and I had to move away from them , there was this one man in my neighborhood that kept watching us me and my family for real so we had to take security measures it has been hard but even though there are many people who may not be effected by all this it has all sure had an effect on me and one thing my mother has had to help me with and she suggest that even though I am adult now I get help through church soon.
One thing I have struggled with to I turned off the news is revenge feelings against all the people who have wronged me and others in the world I never act on those thoughts but I feel like if I did to those people even though they have done bad things my mental health will be better I am not a bad person or anything.
I just am so tired of bullies mean nasty angry people making me feel afraid traumatized upset sad shocked in school or anywhere.
I can show them though I am a good example of an empathy though and I keep trying sometimes I think to myself though and I get voices in my head like they want to kill me they want me to commit suicide and it seems like it with their behavior so I just feel like their is no where safe and all I can do is hide away completely I also have issues with trust to.
Fear that anyone will rise up against me.
But I was also told to that is not true most people are nice and would not do bad things to others don’t let your thoughts take you down.
Those delusions have been very hard sometimes they have had major effects on my functioning almost like i felt like I am going crazy my mom told me we should defently get help through your church derak.
What I do want you to know is that this is treatable. And it’s not as monumental as it feels. So first, your anger. That shift of being angry and then suicidal is common, probably more common with teens and young adults whose brains are still developing. Revenge feelings towards those who have bullied are also natural. But I think I hear you say you feel worried that you might not always have complete control over your reacting to that emotion? Let me know if I’m wrong about that. Always reemmber, to take a pause, a deep breath any time a tsunami of an emotion hits. That pause will save you from doing something you regret and give your thinking brain or wise mind an opportunity to re-engage.
About the voices. This is also common with brains in high stress. Anxiety causes this. So people think that hearing voices only means psychosis and that’s not true. We all hear them or see movies but that self talk or self made movies can take over our lives and we can take back control. With high anxiety you are usually hearing them inside your head. With true psychosis, they sound like they are being spoken outside of your head from other people around you.
You have really great self awareness so any steps you take to cope with these feelings and learn to regulate them will go well. You’re intelligent, empathic, self aware, all qualities that really help in recovery. I just wanted you to know that and tell you my honest observations.
I don’t want you to think that I’m not hearing you though. About how much you are currently suffering. I do hear that. I wish I could just give you a hug. The delusions are making you feel so overwhelmed. But again, you can eventually learn to regulate and manage these kinds of thoughts.
Thank you so much for your support I do have control over those emotions I have the reason I was worried about it is because whenever those feelings come on sometimes it takes a lot of practice to make sure we can keep them away. We also know to everyone of us struggles with things like this at times where it can be very hard especially when mental illness strikes but we all individuals have to remember no matter how difficult it may be I can do it! That’s what I try to remember and then the positivity comes back again! Thank you for checking on me I will continue to make sure regardless of when those thoughts come to always take deep breaths meditate before.
So good to hear. And I appreciate your coming back and talking to me. I appreciate your trust in me. Thank you for clarifying too. It helps me to understand where you are and what you are dealing with.
Next time I feel this way I will stop take a breath write the feelings down first thing you do is write it down on paper then I shred the paper I wrote my thoughts down on so they can’t come back into my head again then I find good advice or something fun to do to help me feel better.
What a great idea. Thank you for sharing that strategy. Writing things down does help let it go.
One thing I have decently learned though a big quote you don’t have to listen to your gut instinct but I was told a famous line you don’t have to make a decision right now based on your gut instinct but definitely don’t ignore your gut instinct completely at least get some kind of help in any kind of way. There are some people I have learned about who have actually really said thier gut instinct saved thier life and they told us that if I did not listen to that I would not be here today. What I have learned from this is even if your mind talks back to you and says it may be to many steps or too hard to get therapy don’t let that get in the way in fact if you push through that hard moment where your mind is telling you I don’t want to do this therapy but you do it for the right reason to save you your gut and body will thank-you later on and your mind will probably feel better to.
GOODBYE TO EVERYONE FOREVER I DESERVE TO LIVE IN PAIN FOR ETERNITY I WILL KILL MYSELF AND GO RIGHT INTO HELL!
TAKING ANTIDEPRESSANTS WILL MAKE ME MORE SUICIDAL THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO JUST LET ME KILL MY SELF THE COMMUNITY WILL BE HAPPIER AND BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!
Community will be happier better place without me goodbye forever!
I deserve suicide and to hang myself for what I have done.
Keep your community strong safe and secure though and enjoy your life always thank you!
This is how I will take accountability for what I did which was refusing to pick up the trash and walking right by it now since I was worthless in me and my acts to the community –
I will just look at it like this –
This is my goodbye to this community –
I apologize to everyone very much for not cleaning up the trash that was left out here on the ground and what makes me feel more guilty is that I did nothing about it ,
I will always think of my community and remember that next time I will pick up this trash and not just leave it on the ground for someone else because that is littering
I feel so regretful for what I have done to the wild life.
At this time I am the one that should take accountability and I deserved to be punished for this if you know what I am thinking the community would be better off without me since I am worthless and did not work hard enough at this.
After I read the comments I feel a lot better and I know I should not describe myself as worthless I am a light in the world and someone once told me god made me special I just remember now. I will put suicide out of my head I wrote this down and now I deleted it how I cope with this is I write down suicidal thoughts then I trash the paper I write them on this is my way of getting my feelings of anger sadness guilt worthlessness extreame hopelessness and suicidal thoughts out by putting it on paper then throwing it away. Instead of throwing myself in a trash can I use paper to throw in a trash can throw the thoughts away keep your life. This has helped me coped major and I have been watching plenty of videos and doing things to make me feel better I was so close to the edge but then thankfully after I read this it passed! Thankyou so much for the notes!
Wow. I was traveling and read this but have only been able to reply. I’m so glad writing all of it out, your despair, and distress. Helped. Those thoughts are so INTENSE. But they do fade. The episodes fade I mean because no feeling is permanent. But I would like to know how you are now. This was a TERRIBLE episode for you. Absolutely awful. I think you have a new strategy though. Writing all of your pain. At least it looks like one. Thank you for your words. And do let me know how you are today.
I have also had a very hard time over a Long time struggling with bitterness towards the world because when I was younger I was bullied terribly and I had kind of the opposite of suicidal thoughts which was major revenge and anger and aggression thoughts towards the people who harm innocent people but I learned how to deal with those feelings and yes those feelings always almost pass but sometimes they still come on but I just know they will pass and if they become bad enough I told myself next time maybe seeking therapy or help from a counselor will be the next step. I am very strong empath though and I have many good friends I just can’t stand those few people who hurt innocent people it makes me very angry at times. Thankyou for the encouraging talk though always they make my day better always!
Thank you so much for your honesty Derek. And you do know yourself. I am also very impressed that you are considering going to a therapist. Just saying it takes a lot of courage and shows a willingness to get help and improve yourself. At heart you are a good person. We need all the empaths we can keep in this world. You guys have amazing instincts and make great listeners. And I also can’t stand people who take advantage of innocent people or who are cruel. We have that in common.
One thing that was very hard for a long period of time when this all started was whether to get a therapist or not because my gut was telling me even though those feelings pass don’t ignore them completely at least get some kind of help they went away for a long time then came back but the pattern remains the same come and go come and go the hard thing about whether going to therapy or not is finding the right therapist it was kind of hard my gut tells me one thing my mind me out of it for different reasons like fear of discrimination or other things or not knowing what to say. If I do go to some kind of therapy in the future I am weighing it out I was suggested church therapy would probably be the best. I at least will do something i always listen to my gut because it is truly better to be safe than sorry sometimes my mind takes me out of it and says this may be to difficult but then the strange feeling in my gut just especially on some days certain times when it does come just tells me you at least have to get some kind of help whether therapy or something else because I worry if you let your mind talk you out of this even though nothing has happened and you can control your thoughts you never know how bad mental illness can become so it is best to actually find the solution ahead of time to beat the race of time before mental illness takes over. Then my mind says it just seems to difficult I am fine for today gut says I know that but you just don’t know what could happen in the future it could change. So I am at least in the future at some point going to find some help but until them I will just keep close watch of myself and stay tuned with my gut. Quote never let your mind sway you out of something if your gut tells you something is not right about a situation like mental health issues trust it. It could save your life!
I always say, “Don’t let your brain talk you out of what you know in your gut.” So we are on the same page.
Those feelings do subside but as you have found, they come back. If you are a person of color there are therapists of color now thankfully. I’m seeing a lot more diversity. One trick is to not only read online bios but to call and ask the receptionist who would be a good match. They are amazingly good and figuring out who would work for you based on what you are looking for and your issues.
So when you see a therapist you want these things:
> Suicide risk assessment
> Safety Plan (And you and I can do one of those by email if you want)
> Pyschological evaluation
> Medication discussion
> Solutions and goals from the therapy
That’s FYI when you get to that place. In the mean time why not take this online head inspection? I know the person who did it. She is a phd and a friend of mine. https://mantherapy.org/head-inspection/question
Thankyou I have been watching videos online learning more about these topics everyday and taking online tests to weigh out what is best for me and how this works.
Good for you. There are also a lot of good podcasts that talk about depression, trauma and other underlying factors to feelings of suicide.
Like many people who read your posts and receive your emails, I struggle each and every day. I have written many replies, I always delete them. I guess all I would like to say is thank you. People like you are special in more ways than you know, and the lives that you touch are endless.
I hope you always post a comment. They are welcome here even if you are in a dark place. If it weren’t for people who struggle who have generously shared their stories, I would have struggled for much longer with the “why?” Thank you for posting Justin. It made my week. 🙂
Anne Moss, have you ever thought, if only something like this could have happen for our precious loved one? Please know I am only thinking out loud. I continue to share your soul searching stories throughout the Kansas, Missouri area with the many friends, acquaintances, and communities possible with your permission and support. Please know they are making a difference in this part of the world, and the Tilton family with Adam’s Story Ministry & Lifestyle.
Definitely, I think that. In fact, I think it’s what drives me. Like I’m saving Charles over and over. Although I’m only helping someone save their own life. Thank you for sharing Andy. So much.
Chilling and true. Thanks for helping so many AM… ❤️
Thank you for helping me, Gray. I use many of your quotes and examples and it does help others.
You saved my life year’s ago. Thank you!
Oh my gosh. Technically, I helped you save your own life but I’m so thrilled to hear from you. Let me know how you are now.