by Emily Sherman
I didn’t wake up one morning and decide that life was meaningless. It took years of feeling hopeless.
Growing up, I was in countless hospitals, treatment centers, and group homes
I could not stay in the community for longer than three months. I became institutionalized and was in the mindset that life was nothing but white walls, a mattress, and forcible injections. My life felt as though it was not worth living.
I had the diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder and receiving the diagnosis made me feel validated, but also like I was untreatable. My suicidal thoughts were constant for years. Whenever I had an extreme emotion, suicidal thoughts always followed. I made risky and impulsive decisions and was controlled by my hopelessness and reactions,
In early adulthood, things started to change
I began to work hard at changing my thoughts and my behaviors. I began to realize that I cannot control my emotions, but my emotions don’t control me. I realized that when I have really giant emotions rising, I don’t have to do anything to make it worse for myself.
I began to look at the facts of a situation and act according to the facts…not the emotion. I started to gain tools to make myself less reactive. I stopped self-harming and going to the hospital.
I finally found a life worth living.
With that being said, It took a long time to retrain my brain. It took a lot of effort, but it was so worth it. I am now helping others who are struggling.
Even though I still have hard days, I am able to handle them.
I often think of my best friend who died of suicide and wonder if she could have found a life worth living, too if she just held on.
You make the world a brighter place.
In memory of Hannah Quick, Birth- Dec 12, 1998, Death- Feb 22, 2018