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How to kill yourself with sodium nitrite

“My cerebellum is difficult to live with.”

–Charles Aubrey Rogers, Rap Song, “Diary of a Broken Mind

I lost my son Charles Aubrey Rogers to suicide in 2015. The funniest, most popular kid in school, he was there for others and in his memory, I want to be there for you.

I know you feel like you have to die and at the same time, you don’t want to die. Maybe you feel numb and worthless and have no hope. You might even feel as if you are a burden and things will never get better. If so, this is for you.

If you comment below, I will meet you where you are and if that’s in darkness and despair, that’s where we will start. I won’t try to fix.

“My brain strains and decays, and thoughts stay and hurt like razor blades.”

–Charles Aubrey Rogers, from the unpublished rap song, “Out of Reach”

USA 1-800-273-8255
USA & Canada Crisis Text 741-741
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566

USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255

Reach out to the Crisis Text Line through Facebook

UK 116 123
UK Shout 85258 (Crisis Text Line for England, Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland)
AUSTRALIA Crisis Line 13 11 14
CANADA Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
CANADA TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

Guides on how to tell someone

Free and low cost books

Highly recommended book. Click the book picture to get your free Kindle version. $4.99 in paperback in the USA. If you are in another country, go to your amazon and paste “How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life.”

By Susan Rose Blauner: A survivor of multiple suicide attempts, the author eloquently describes the feelings and fantasies surrounding suicide. In a direct, nonjudgmental, and loving voice, she offers affirmations and suggestions for those experiencing life-ending thoughts, and for their friends and family.

“It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all, I’m over 6 feet tall but I’ve never felt so small. ”

Charles Aubrey Rogers, from the rap song, “Just to Hurt

Overcoming fears and myths about crisis lines. Legit information here.

USA 1-800-273-8255
USA Crisis Text 741-741
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline & Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

How my son felt prior to his death. I only wish I knew.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

59 thoughts on “How to kill yourself with sodium nitrite”

  1. Life Update:
    Suicide: Attempted and Failed
    Cause: 1. Unexpectedly overwhelming survival instincts. 2. Unpreparedness and Procedural Callousness

    1. Thank you for coming back and offering an update. I’m really honored you did that. I won’t lie that I am relieved, Lester. But this isn’t about how I feel. I’d like to know how you feel. Do you have mixed feelings? Was there a fear of the outcome that also weighed on your mind? Was there some connection to life that kept cropping up and interrupting? Don’t go into procedural callousness if you don’t mind. I want to know your feelings at that moment to understand what life forces were at work other than the survival instincts. Share what you are comfortable sharing because I’ve asked a lot of probing questions here.

      1. Sorry to disappoint you Anne but its really just this strong and sudden feelings of intense doubt, a profound sense of ambivalence that I assume is the inner workings of the survival instinct to be the major cause of my attempted failure. There is no other deeper reason/s for my profound feelings of ambivalence during the attempt, I suppose.

        It seems that I ran out of money to do another attempt so it looks like I have to do some good ol’ cash crimes before my family and the police can locate me. Yeah anne I’m in deep shit and I see no solutions than to catch the bus as soon as possible.

        1. I promise you are not disappointing me. You are not in a good place obviously. And just know that I hear you and feel your desperation. So you are saying you need to take from your relatives to fund your next attempt? I am just clarifying so that I understand. Not judging.

            1. Ok I will take your advice. But I won’t go away that easily! It doesn’t mean I can’t listen. My son had some hard-to-believe tales. But I still listened. Eventually he told the truth. So just know I am patient.

              1. Okay Anne, I’ll be honest with you. None of what I said starting the comment I made in 5/30/22 have YET to happen. Its just my pathetic dramatized cry-for-help, which didn’t even happen and must have been pretty disrespectful towards genuine sufferers here so I apologize to those who must been offended by my statement. But everything I said before that date is genuinely true and I just really needed to listen to somebody.

                But don’t worry though, I will not visit this site and make another comment ever again.

                1. Why do you say that Lester? I don’t think a cry for help is “pathetic.” I actually think it’s courageous. You are in a place where you need support and everyone in their life needs that at some point. I am more than willing to keep listening and responding to you.

  2. It’s a nice thing you are doing but I’ve been thru all the B.S. and that’s all it boils down too. I am almost a year clean but I’m a mental wreck and I’m done dealing with myself. It is what it is.

    Anyhow, I wish you the best and hope you save lives worth saving. Thank you for the reading.

    1. I just want to know that I hear you. I can’t talk anyone out of suicide. All I can do is help someone save their own life when they are ambivalent about dying. Because I feel like if there is doubt that one should wait because suicide is final. So I won’t talk you out of it because that’s not possible. But I can listen and respond. I am sorry for your despair. And it sounds like you did find recovery but maybe the reason you started using in the first place may not have ever been addressed? Or addressed approximately? I don’t know any of that but it’s been my experience with others.

    2. I don’t think it’s right to make a mother that has lost a child to suicide feel bad is cool at all. If you need to talk come to sanctioned-suicide.org there are tons of other people in your position that can relate and offer support.

  3. Why are you doing this? I read through the comments above and it looks like some of those people have killed themselves. Doesn’t it hurt you more to see them go? I think you might be hurting yourself worse and worse by doing this

    1. Susannah. That’s a valid question. But many of the commenters have gotten back with me years later and told me that just being here gave them pause. In some cases they told someone right after posting a comment. Still others have died probably. It does sadden me but I focus on the thousands of messages I get that say “it’s been a year and while things aren’t perfect I am not where I was and I just want to say thank you and let you know that landing here helped me save my own life.” That makes it all worth it. All I can do is listen and let you know someone heard you and cares. That is what my son did. And I believe it’s the greatest gift one can offer another human. To let them feel heard and know they matter. That’s my sons legacy. And I will honor it until my own last breath. Which I hope will be a long time in the future.

      You are an empathic, caring person. Thank you for that. Now if you wanted to share more about you? I am listening….

  4. Idk exactly how old, but I would’ve been in elementary school I think. Probably 1st or 2nd grade since I know those were particularly bad years for me, but it’s pretty vague. I just know that when I was a kid I promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself because I didn’t want to hurt my family, but I think even then I thought I’d end up doing it eventually. That’s one of the reasons I try to keep living. Also because of that I didn’t actively search for ways to die until a few years ago.

  5. Hello Anne, I’ve come across this article among the results I found in the google search “buying sodium nitrate” and after giving a quick read it got me to use my noggin a bit (even though I didn’t like to since thinking hurts for me in general). I don’t really like to type everything about the reason for why I wish to catch the bus soon so I’ll give a tldr version. I’m 20 yrs old, male, korean-filipino, gay (and I hate it), a NEET (Not in employment, education or training/ a parasite to your own parents) and a fucking loser who should’ve died sooner but here we are.

    As absurd as it is, Anne, I am in no state of extreme suffering or agony unlike many other unfortunate suicidal individuals out there. In fact, I feel just generally ok overall but I still do have many life problems like most other people. Thing is, my life for the most part have been just boring and I was just coping with it along with many other worries, insecurities and anxieties since childhood. I did got bullied in school and was socially ostracized by my peers, my family is pretty dysfunctional and I have very low self esteem as a child so I guess that has a significant influence on me on my worldview and has messed me up in general. But every instances of suffering no matter how big or small always magnifies itself to me and its accumulation wears me down to the point that I no longer have the resilience to face these mounting general stressors in life especially when I’m reaching adulthood. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed by my problems to the point I just don’t like to live anymore as I constantly feel hopeless and my struggles meaningless as I don’t value anything much than my own selfish happiness and well being.
    I feel unfixable and I don’t understand anything anymore due to my extreme skepticism in literally anything I know (which led me to my loss of faith in God and religion) and I just think that its time for me to go catch the bus. As I’ve accepted my death I feel this sense of peacefulness and serenity I haven’t felt for over, well ever since I was born!

    1. Lester- I appreciate your letting me know what your experience is like as well as your background. I most appreciate your trust. Just being a minority who is gay is difficult enough. Some families are not always accepting which adds to a person’s low sense of self-worth. How long have you struggled with thoughts of suicide? (If that’s OK to ask)

      1. Sorry for the considerable delay, Anne.
        It is since childhood that I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts anf feels, although it was less frequent before than now. The reason why I haven’t killed myself back then is because of my religious belief that suicide meant automatically going to hell which I genuinely believed back then. Now what is really holding me back from committing myself to the act is general cowardice and laziness. But it really only takes a few more straws to finally break the camel’s back and I’m off to catching the bus.

        1. I don’t think not killing oneself is due to cowardice but rather survival instinct. So when you get in an episode of suicidal thought you probably waffle back and forth always ambivalent even in the worst parts of the cycle. But that ambivalence is something all of us are born with. And overdosing that is simply not ever easy. Many tell me that have had thoughts of suicide since they were 8. There is a good podcast with three men who have them daily and what they do. It’s hard for me to imagine having them daily like that. I am sure to those who have them it’s “normal.” That’s why I think those who suffer those thoughts are strong. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me understand

          1. Well anne, its been a few days but I’ve already made my mind up. I’m going to catch the bus sometime this week so if you have anything to ask or say I’ll reply nonstop. The moment I have no response after two days is well, you understand.

              1. I felt that it was already too long overdue since my initial plan so I decided to muster the will to finally do everything I’ve planned before departing and I’ve already finished them all so what’s all left for me to do is to wait for the bus.

                1. I think I feel just about the same as you. I’m only a year older than you. I was NEET until a couple weeks ago because I was able to get a job, but I still mostly feel useless. I’m also gay and that has been a struggle for me to accept.
                  I want to die, but not because I feel extreme pain or anything, but I guess I feel like life is dull and boring. I’ve been bullied when I was kid, and I thought of dying back then. I started thinking of a plans to kill myself a few years ago, and I’ve attempted some over the last few years, but obviously I failed.
                  Honestly it’s hard for me to tell whether or not I really want to die. Sometimes I feel like I have to live, and others I feel like I have to die, and it’s a constant struggle between life and death.
                  I don’t know if this will help, but even if I’m a stranger, I at least care enough to write this comment.

                  1. Ben- I hardly have words. Tears as I write this. Your kindness is so commendable. And from talking to those who have struggled with LGBTQ+ issues and thoughts of suicide that ambivalence of wanting to die and then not wanting to die is so confusing but very common. Most everyone talks about that internal struggle. For what it’s worth, I accept you for exactly who you are. You are a warrior. How long have you struggled with thoughts of suicide? Like what age did it start?

                    1. Idk exactly how old, but I would’ve been in elementary school I think. Probably 1st or 2nd grade since I know those were particularly bad years for me, but it’s pretty vague. I just know that when I was a kid I promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself because I didn’t want to hurt my family, but I think even then I thought I’d end up doing it eventually. That’s one of the reasons I try to keep living. Also because of that I didn’t actively search for ways to die until a few years ago.

                    2. Thank you for sharing that. If I may, I have a couple of resources. If you don’t want me to post these, then I will post no more. It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to prevent your death by suicide and these tools have helped others who have struggled. Do not hesitate to be frank about what I have posted or how I have responded. It helps me learn. And it’s from those who’ve struggled that I have learned the most. I’m so grateful people like you have shared your beautiful stories to help me make sense of my son’s and my first cousin’s deaths by suicide.

                      I have a post on making a safety plan. And one of your comments sparked that thought. The family one. And another on an app that has just come out.

                    3. I think you misunderstood what I said about family, but I wasn’t very clear. What I meant was I made the promise to myself to not kill myself because I didn’t want to hurt my family, and the promise is why I keep living. I’m actually pretty frustrated with my family in all honesty, and you could maybe consider them a reason as to why I want to die, but it’s not like I want them to suffer. I guess it’s kind of like a ‘for your own good’ kinda thing which is kinda ironic I think.

                    4. They do support and accept me, but my feelings towards them are kinda complicated, and I don’t really want to talk about it right now.

                    5. Haven’t we spoken before? From the Y?

                      And I understand. I didn’t really see a lot of the ways that I was not hello to charles until after he died and I read his music. I won’t push you on that. Just know I am willing to listen and you know I will respond.

            1. I know that you’re a user on SS because I know who you are. Why are you on here trying to make a mother who’s lost their child to suicide suicide bad? That’s not cool at all and is manipulative and cruel. Post on the thread if you need somewhere to vent.

              1. I do understand that someone who is suicidal is angry as this poster was. I’ve learned not to take it persoally. But I also appreciate your kindness. Especially today, my son’s death anniversary.

  6. My sodium nitrite is here, I’m going to take it in September, I need to finish my uni course then I think I’ve done enough. The past will not leave me, there’s no recovery from my actions and tbh the world doesn’t need people like me around. I’m hoping this will be 3rd time lucky then it’s off to hell.

    1. I’m so sorry it’s this bad. I wish I could be there to sit with you and listen. So you could share your heart and your hurt without my interuption. Tell me what is important about the uni course you mentioned? Did you mean the semester?

  7. My sodium nitrite is on the way and after that it is only a matter of time. TBH I really can’t wait to finally end it. The world is a horrible place and I am incapable of feeling any joy in any of it. Been on earth for 45 years and that is plenty as far as I am concerned.

    I am glad to have lived this life but I feel like it’s time and I will do it on my own terms.

    1. I am sorry your despair has driven you to this end. I would only ask you that if you have doubt, wait. And what things might make you hesitate? Not stop. But hesitate. Thank you for commenting and sharing.

  8. I am 50, married with a family, I post on pro suicide websites a lot out of a sense of crippling depression. I hate feeling like this; I’m tired of living in fear and self doubt. I hate therapy, meds, having to self realize. I don’t like my own success and don’t care about any of it. I have three kids and a spouse and all my brain does is compare the actions of today to 500 years from now and ask if anything really matters. I think about not waking up all day every day.

    1. Jsj- man this sounds bad. You are clearly in agony. I wish I could give you a human hug right now. Waking up like that day after day must wear on you. Obviously it has.

      Since you mentioned them tell me one thing about one of your kids that is special. If that’s ok to ask.

    1. I’m waiting to finally turn 22 and then i will kill myself. But even that i dont know if i can do it because i am in so much pain since months… this horror is never ending. I have no idea why i keep fighting because i know i will never win this fight. I know it is beyond my powers and force. I wont get through this. I dont even use any drugs but i still am absolutely mentally fucked. I’m just weak. That’s it. Some peoples arent made to live. I’m one of them. When i’m 22 i will do it without regrets because i know i did my best.

        1. Well what despair me the most is how powerless i am against all the evil in the world first off. I am just one man and i litterally can’t do anything to change this. I rather kill myself than to keep living in this horrible cruel selfish world any longer. No one really see anyone else than themselves and that breaks me. No one realize how much i suffer until i kill myself. That’s when they ll finally get it. not before. They just can’t see it because they do not care about me or anyone but themselves. That’s the nature of peoples and those who govern us and make the laws. Everything about this world and this society is wrong everything is wrong. My life is just PAIN I do not feel joy love or hope at any fucking time. All i feel is the pain. This is not worth it. I AM a good person i never hurted anyone but still this cruel world managed to destroy me for no fucking reasons! everyday peoples dies for nothing in accidents! it is all POINTLESS. nothing make any fucking sense out there! Your own son died for nothing you should know it. This world is just horrible in all points of view! I cannot see anything good about it. I tried. I can’t. At best i am numb and don’t feel much and at worse im broken inside and just…… think about ending it. I woke up the morning and my first thoughts are about ending this bullshit. My only goal and purpose is my suicide. I am done, this is hell. I deserve better than this shitty pointless reality made of constant deceptions. I deserve to be free.

          1. You are an empath and you feel all the hurt around you, don’t you? My heart aches for you, L. I hope it helped to write it out and I appreciate your sharing your thoughts so openly. Was there at time when you didn’t feel this way? If so can you share that. Again, I’m trying to get the whole picture. I’m listening…..

            1. There was 5 magical months of my life where i felt great, had a girlfriend and was just ok with life. It only lasted 5 months and never before or after this i felt alright. I never felt good but only 5 months in 21 and half years on earth. You think it’s worth it? To live so long for 5 months of hapiness who then transmute in depression when you loose it? You think it’s fair? I craved those 5 months i prayed all i could for universe to give it back to me. I did everything i could but it wont happen. Universe give 0 fucks about me. I loosed it. I will never be happy again because i won’t let it happen. I transmuted this loss in sadness which i am drowning in and that will certainly kill me. I was happy with her but she moved on since 1 year at least and me i decided i will never move on i will die there. I dont want to get better. It’s the ugly truth. This sadness is all i have left so i wont let it go. I will take my pain with me to the grave. Theres nothing you or anyone can do because it’s my choice. I can’t let go of it.

              1. I don’t have the power to talk you out of it or prevent you from killing yourself. I don’t. But I appreciate your sharing that moment with me. I just wanted to know you had some joy in your life and needed to hear about it. I wanted to know more about your experience and what might have brought you where you are now. I’m here to listen. Sometimes people ask for help or want to do a safety plan. But some don’t. My main goals are to allow you feel heard and for me to learn more. And you have graciously provided me with a lot of important detail. Thank you.

                What things come up when you are feeling like suicide that make you hesitate or have stopped you from suiciding? So many have shared interesting answers to that question. You don’t have to answer it, of course. You’ve been very generous already. If you are up to it……

                1. I sadly have no answers to this question. I just dont know what to say. Nothing have been stopping me. I made 3 suicide attempts so far in my short life, first one at 16. I cumulated 4 days of coma from them. I am getting closer every time and i like to believe the next one will be the right one. Im kinda becoming a suicide professional at this point. It is inevitable that i will succeed. God bless this day when ill finally be free. Sorry this was prolly not the answer u been waiting for.

                  1. I know I can’t save anyone’s life. I can only help someone save their own life if they want to. I can’t change anyone’s mind or promise a sunny future but I can listen and respond.

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