“My cerebellum is difficult to live with.”
–Charles Aubrey Rogers, Rap Song, “Diary of a Broken Mind“
I lost my son Charles Aubrey Rogers to suicide in 2015. The funniest, most popular kid in school, he was there for others and in his memory, I want to be there for you.
- If you want to read some of his rap lyrics that expressed his pain, those are here. Some written, some quotes, some in video and more
- Want to read more about Charles or see his videos? Those are here
I know you feel like you have to die and at the same time, you don’t want to die. Maybe you feel numb and worthless and have no hope. You might even feel as if you are a burden and things will never get better. If so, this is for you.
If you comment below, I will meet you where you are and if that’s in darkness and despair, that’s where we will start. I won’t try to fix.
“My brain strains and decays, and thoughts stay and hurt like razor blades.”
–Charles Aubrey Rogers, from the unpublished rap song, “Out of Reach”
USA 988
USA & Canada Crisis Text 741-741
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 988
Reach out to the Crisis Text Line through Facebook
UK 116 123
UK Shout 85258 (Crisis Text Line for England, Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland)
AUSTRALIA Crisis Line 13 11 14
CANADA Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
CANADA TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines
Guides on how to tell someone
- If you are a teen or young adult, you can use this guide on how to tell a parent or loved one you want to die. How to tell a parent I want to die
- For youth and adults How to tell someone I want to kill myself
Suicide Safety Plans
Free and low cost books
Highly recommended book. Click the book picture to get your free Kindle version. $4.99 in paperback in the USA. If you are in another country, go to your amazon and paste “How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life.”
- Free Book (kindle version) in USA: How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life (author is anonymous)
- Book for suicidal persons recommended by a licensed counselor, Karla Helbert, LPC: How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention
“It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all, I’m over 6 feet tall but I’ve never felt so small. ”
Charles Aubrey Rogers, from the rap song, “Just to Hurt“
Overcoming fears and myths about crisis lines. Legit information here.
USA Suicide & Crisis Lifeline call 988
USA Crisis Text 741-741
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for Veterans call 988, press 1
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth, call 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline call, 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline & Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 988
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines
I am sorry for the loss of your son Charles, I really am. My first thoughts when I saw him was what beautiful curly hair and how handsome he was.
I found this page as my friend lost her son January 2023 and was estranged from him, he had BPD. Unbeknown to anyone other than his employer he had given up his job two weeks prior and was really struggling with his mental health. He had attempted to take his life publicly and failed and then at home. Its like you want to know everything going over and over his suicide note and wanting every last drop of information. What is so devastating is the very people he was texting his troubles to did not run to him, instead one of them went out clubbing on that night. I keep running through the scenario of how I could have saved him and brought him to my house and enveloped him in love. Made him a bath, fresh clothes and made him what ever he wanted to eat. I am now going through all the times I let him down when I should have known better and understood BPD. His mother is naturally in pieces and looking for answers when its too late. I think my advice to any family of a loved one who gets a mental health diagnosis is to educate yourself on the condition and check in on that person all the time. I know we are only human, but all the times I mistook his behaviour for being insensitive or his angry outbursts because he was taking drugs, I wish I had grabbed him and said I know you are in pain instead of telling him off. I was kind to him and loved him, but it wasn’t enough and eight months down the line I beat myself up daily.
Judy- It’s so hard when they are using substances and struggling with a mental health condition. It’s so challenging. I have a loved one with BPD and so I bought a book called “loving someone with BPD.” It has a lot of great strategies. But I have to say I don’t think i would have figured those out on my own. Given what we went through with Charles, it was so frustrating. At times I just had to lay low to refuel. One can only take so much abuse and yelling and accusations. It’s painful. And teasing apart what is substance misuse, what is mental illness and what is their personality it like sifting through mud to find diamonds. The line is always shifting. Thank you for saying that about Charles’s hair. God I loved that hair. And the curl on the left side in the back against his neck was “my” curl.
I understand the guilt. We all got through that. I have no clue if this would help you but this is what I did. It didn’t shut them down but it did lessen my suffering until they petered out eventually. https://annemoss.com/2022/04/21/are-the-what-ifs-and-coulda-woulda-shouldas-stalking-you/
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for posting. And you are a loving, special person to care so much. Just know that the mom needs your presence right now. You can’t fix this but you can sit with her in her tragedy. That does mean something.
I’m sorry sorry to read about your son. It must have been so traumatizing to you. Your strength is amazing. I read one of your responses where you said that you just don’t understand how someone’s brain could misfire to the point that it thought about suicide. I lived for 46 years and wondered that very same thing. Then I was harmed by a psychiatrist and her drugs. I suddenly came under a lot of stress and was referred to psychiatrist instead of a psychologist. Who then prescribed me an antidepressant and alprazolam. After a couple of months I started having strange symptoms and decided to come off the drugs. After discontinuing them I had brain zaps and mini seizures. Those drugs changed something in my brain. I now suffer from a condition known a post ssri sexual dysfunction caused by the antidepressant and another condition known as Benzodiazepine induced neurological dysfunction. These conditions have caused me to be unable to sleep for more than 3 hours a day. Every time I start falling asleep my brain gets a shock that wakes me back up. This is absolute torture. The pssd causes what I can only describe as emotional anesthesia. I feel no joy, no love, no sadness, no hope, nothing. I look at my children and I know that I live them but I cannot feel that warm glow of love that used to be there. This has been going on for 19 months and there is no treatment for it. I have since done a lot of research on it and have found that it is quite common. I wish I had never stepped foot in that doctors office because now I feel like there is no way out other than a painless death. The only reason I haven’t yet is because it would devastate those that I would leave behind.
Oh lance I hurt for you. I have maladies that have no cure in western medicine but over the years have found that enemy’s that work. Some of which I have just stumbled onto. I have faith that you will too because the brain can heal. As a brain tumor survivor I can tell you it does and sometimes there is no explanation. I am left with deficits that have not but I have learned to adapt. All of that came with quite a bit of mental stress and anguish. However I did not suffer the level you have of suicidal thoughts which makes it so hard to advocate for yourself because it just sucks your energy. Do not buy this stuff because in an episode of suicidal thought where you have less control over your actions, you have a high risk of taking it. And so many have changes their minds but cannot be revived from it like some other poisonings. It totally sucks you were left with these symptoms. But first order is figuring out the sleep. That’s the foundation step. Do you see a psychologist now?
OMG Anne, you inspire me even more. That must have been so scary to have something like that. You are truly a brave and strong person. Yes I do have a psychologist that I see. He is not much help with this though. I have a chemical induced brain injury that can’t be helped by therapy. I literally have no feelings. Whatever changes the drug has made in my brain have to reverse by itself if it can even be reversed. Unfortunately I already bought this chemical a while back. I have not used it yet because I know that it would devastate my children. I just emotionally don’t care. It’s absolute torture to not have any feelings for anything. I don’t even have any feelings whatsoever about my own death. I feel like a cold lifeless robot.
What you are describing is the suicidal brain so it does usually change even when chemically induced. Most who live with suicidal thoughts live through periods when they are “numb” from feelings. The benzodiazepines should have never been prescribed but it will take the brain a while to remake those connections and there are things you can do to help the process. So I will offer an example. When struggling with grief I got up every morning and thought of one thing I was grateful for. It had to be different every day. And I sucked at it and did not care for weeks. But I stuck with it despite all my own resistance and it started to allow this crack of light in which then allowed me to feel. So while that might not be a strategy you want to try some kind of way of forcing yourself to see something beautiful for example can help the brain rekindle those connections that were lost or atrophied. It’s not fast but simple but that doesn’t mean easy. I get what you are saying. I went the whole first year feeling numb after Charles’s death. I didn’t care about anything really. So that part of it I get. So whine it probably won’t ever go back to how it was before part of it is the suicidal thoughts making you numb and the other part chemical inducement.
Let me ask you. Would you be willing to dispose of the method so you would be less tempted? You can always rebuy. Because putting time between thought and action is the goal. And with your therapist have they done a suicide risk assessment or a safety plan?
I agree with you. The suicidal thoughts are from the feelings that the brain damage is causing. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me. I can only imagine the pain that you have fought thru. I too keep on fighting. I have been depressed in the past from bad things happening but when you are naturally depressed the brain can recover. In this case the depression is caused by the thought that my brain will never recover from the chemical damage caused by the benzo and the antidepressant. My therapist does not know just how suicidal I am from this because I won’t tell him. I’m afraid he would have to report me and then I would be locked up. I will dispose of the sodium nitrite. I probably would never be able to use it any way. My survival instinct is just to strong for me overcome. I think it would be a pleasant death if you did not know it was happening but just knowing what was coming would freak me out. I’ll just keep praying that god lets me get hit by a truck. It’s so unfair that people who want to live get in deadly accidents all the time and people like me who want to die never have that happen. Thank you for communicating with me. You are a very compassionate person
“I too keep on fighting.” Yes you do and I so admire that. It has to be very very hard. And it probably wears you down.
That suicidal intensity that is so very strong and feels like it lasts forever is but 60-90 seconds. Which is TERRIBLE and misterable but it will subside. Even though that has to feel like hours. All feelings are temporary–the good and the bad. That doesn’t make it easy by any means but some have told me knowing it has a limit helps them in a crisis and lessens some of the suffering. So it works for some and not others.
By the way, it’s not a pleasant death. Coroner’s reports from our area are stating many who have called 988 having changed their mind but it was too late and they were in pain. And some try to trigger the gag reflex and bring it back up by using a toothbrush and they die with it in their throat having failed at throwing it up. Something about is so painful to me. I’m just being straight with you. But if it helps you to stay alive thinking that it would be pleasant as a coping mechanism, who am I to judge that the strategy won’t be effective in keeping you alive?
Since your kids are such a big motivator. Maybe in certain spots in the house, you put pictures of your kids. Say put one in your medicine cabinet for example. It can kind of reset your brain. And that survival instinct is battling the part that wants to die. Kind of like an intensely painful tennis match.
I’m disappointed your psychologist has not asked. He or she should. I teach therapists to ask and if their patient doesn’t like it then I encourage them to develop a code phrase and allow the patient to decide what that is. Like, “My monkey brain is on fire today.” Of course one has to previously agree that the phrase means they are suicidal. Sometimes it is easier to say it that way.
I also tell psychologists to tell their patients, all of them, what will happen if they tell them they are suicidal. I also tell psychologists that their first call is NEVER 911 unless they are sitting in the office with a firearm in their hand. In fact, very few cases require in-patient hospitalization. They’d not keep you long anyway and sometimes that process is more traumatizing. So while it’s necessary sometimes, it’s often not effective for some. They should post that policy in their offices! I have one for school counselors and that reminds me I should edit that one to include counselors and send it out to my subscribers. That way you KNOW what their process is and have less fear confessing those thoughts. There is no reason NOT to have that policy outlined as clearly as possible.
I also ask psychologists to ask more often because so many like you tell me but don’t tell the person treating them. I appreciate that so I can write that up.
I honestly think that you will not feel this way forever although I hear you feel this way now and you don’t feel like it will be different. The suicidal brain is like that. “I’ll just keep praying that god lets me get hit by a truck. It’s so unfair that people who want to live get in deadly accidents all the time and people like me who want to die never have that happen.” I think you must be here still for a reason if that’s OK to say. I wonder what that is.
Thank you for disposing of the sodium nitrite. Can you let me know when you’ve done that. And I trust that you’ll be honest. And I’m not going to judge either way and I’m certainly not in the position to do anything more than ask.
I disposed of the nitrite. My brain is still tortured by the chemical soup that the psychiatric drugs made of my brain. I cannot even explain the torture of akathesia and insomnia. It just doesn’t stop. Constant my muscle jerks, sleep starts every time I drift off to sleep. Non stop pacing. I just want to be sedated and sleep for 2 or 3 days. That doctor ruined me. She took a healthy mostly happy man and made me suicidal with her toxic drugs that changed the way my brain works. I’ve been dealing with this for 19 months and it has barely gotten better.
I would like to thank you for taking the time to respond to me. You are an angel.
I am relieved. And I also admire your tenacity. What you are going through is f-ing torture. I hope writing it and having someone listen and respond helps in some way. But damn that is misery and so hard to lead a normal life with all that happening.
If I were to offer any piece of advice it would be to focus on the sleep. I struggled with that so much before my son died due to all of his issues and then after his death. I just decided I was going to sleep well again and do what it took to get there. I had become a sleep expert due to my son’s sleep disorder. Valerian root is a supplement that does help. It’s not the end all but it will help. I found healthy sleep rituals that worked for me and the process was not fast but over time it did work. It’s not perfect or like it was before but with dogged determination I started sleeping again. My sleep issues were really compounded by a brain tumor and the years of surgery and radiation and such. I have a lot of deficits you can’t see but I just laser focused on the sleep which helped resolve a lot of the other stuff that way disrupting my life.
I’m listening with great interest and don’t hesitate to respond or start a new thread. Thank you for disposing of the SN. Your kids are so worth that effort and I know you did it for them and not yourself right now. It’s OK for you to live because you feel obligated to live right now. It will need to shift at some point back to you wanting to live which I know you can’t even see right now. But it does mean your brain has some hope in it and we just need to feed that little tiny pilot light so it feels that more. It’s there. I can sense it and I’m grateful for that.
Hi Lance, I just wanted to let you know I’m going through the same thing. Formerly successful, happy, upbeat guy with everything going for him in life.
Now my brain is completely haywire, barely letting me sleep 1-3 hours per night, even on strong sleep meds like Ambien. Nothing touches it.
I pace around all day every day like a lunatic. I can’t stop biting my nails and pulling my hair and fidgeting and eating. I stand up to grab a glass of water, chug it, sit down, then 2 minutes later do the same thing.
It is like physical and mental torture. The people in my life believe I can get better by thinking more positive thoughts, but similar to you, my brain and body are broken. Even when I do manage to sleep, I am quickly awoken by a nasty burning sensation in my chest and brain, refusing to let me drift off.
In some ways, it is almost more painful being surrounded by so much love and support, with so many happy memories, because I can’t access any of it anymore. I cannot feel anything but endless agitation and numbness and emptiness, despite being so blessed with incredible people.
I keep telling people in my life this is not going to get better. My brain chemistry is permanently broken, and all I can do is slowly watch my life pass by while I decay.
Like you said, I used to face difficult situations like deaths or struggles, and these would make me sad or upset for a while and then I would heal like a normal person. What I feel now is completely different. It’s 24×7 and makes it impossible to feel anything, even for the people I know I love.
Running, exercising, sunlight, gratitude, all the stuff that should normally help a person, none of it does a thing.
I am on month 3 of this with zero relief, I can’t imagine 18. I hope we both find some peace soon from this hell. Please post back here if you ever find something that helps.
Thank you for commenting JT.
Anne, you’re such a caring and compassionate person. I wish I could repay you with same kindness you have shown me. Even though I disposed of the nitrite I still feel I am not long for this world. I just cannot take the torture of many more sleepless nights and days with all of the other physical symptoms I am experiencing. I will continue to pray for you.
Hey JT,
What do you think caused this to happen to you. Did this start before you took the ambien? Mine is caused by having taken Xanax and then being cold turkeyed off it by the doctor. I spent 14 months pacing just you are doing. I finally found a doctor that understands what is going on but there is nothing that can be done to help. He also says that ambien is poison to the brain if taken longer than 2 weeks. Unfortunately for me and maybe for you this isn’t normal emotional trauma. It’s caused by changes made to brain by the drug I was prescribed. We are very similiar with our symptoms. My brain burns all day and when I try to sleep my body jerks violently. I really don’t know how I am going to make it. I was actually researching death by sodium nitrite when I stumbled on this site. I am sorry for what you are going thru. There are some people that recover from this that I have found on you tube. I will pray that you heal from this.
JT I have found that the beta blocker propranolol helps a little with pacing and restlessness.
Wow, what a sensitive caring person you are. Your son was lucky to have you as a mom. I grew up not being wanted, emotionally, physically and verbally abused. Started drinking and taking drugs at 13 after my mother did something traumatizing to me. I have wanted to die since then. I have been treated horrible by a lot of people and my personality doesn’t help because I have BPD. My mother always told me I made it difficult to be loved. When I was in my 30’s I tried at least 5 times to kill myself and 3 out of the 5 should have killed me, it would’ve killed anyone else. Then in my 50’s, just a few years ago, I tried again. It’s truly embarrassing being a failure to commit suicide. My dogs saved me, but 5 have died and now I have my mothers small dogs and my last big dog. I relate to animals far more than I do people. Everyday I wake up thinking of death, I’m in physical pain (chronic) most of the day and night. The only time I felt inner peace is when I attempted suicide and really thought I was going to die. I contribute nothing, therefore should not exist. I’m not looking for answers because there are none. I think what you’re trying to do is heroic, and amazing. But if someone has made up their mind, it’s hard to change. There are so many things that plague a suicidal mind. Guilt, pain, regret, not fitting in, feeling worthless or useless. I could go on. I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry about the loss of your son. Sometimes I wish they had adopt a mother or son, daughter who is in their twenties. My whole family was toxic and the night before my mother died I said horrible things I now live with. I can’t sleep most of the time because I’m wracked with guilt. I hate myself, everything. But I love my animals enough to stay on this planet. I hope you’re able to change folks minds. Much luck to you and God Bless You.
My God you have been through it. I believe the trauma led to the BPD. And neglect altered your brain development. You deserved better. You were only a child and deserved love and care.
You lived all these years with this burden so you have to be one of the most courageous people I know. And I also know I can’t save anyone’s life. I can only help someone who wants to save their own life.
Charles loved dogs too. Adored them. I regret I didn’t get him one sooner but I got him one eventually. You are. It the first person to tell me their dog saved their life. He was amazing with pets. Since you mentioned your dogs tell me more about them. What kind, what age, personality traits. And who will inherit them?
I’m empty my son stolen from me and everything else ripped from me I want to die and I am homeless without any hope left in me today I oh order my supplies
I’m so sorry. No wonder you feel such despair. Did your son die? Or was your son taken like in a custody dispute?
I’m sorry for your loss, but this is false advertising. When I saw the title for this page in the search results on Google, I was relieved, because I thought I might have finally found a page that would help me end my life. But it’s just one more misleading page telling me that I shouldn’t do it. I’m so tired of being told I’m wrong and shouldn’t do it.
I’m sorry. It wasn’t originally intended as deceitful but more as a place where someone will listen. But I understand your point. If you reply, so will I. I am listening.
There’s no need to apologise, I was just a little annoyed because finding help on how to actually do it is non-existent and can’t be found anywhere it seems.
It sounds like there is a lot of despair and frustration right now in your life. Do correct me if I am wrong. I want to know. And I am sorry it is so bad. I will reply if you do.
my daughter committed suicide with sodium nitrate and every time i feel like i wanna die too i look up the sodium and how to do it..
Having lost a child myself I understand that pain. It was all consuming. I am so sorry you are suffering this loss.
Tell me about your son. What was he like?
my daughter did too. and now i keep a bottle in a safe place for when i feel the lowest. too bad i have a son who would be devastated if i did…
Do you ever feel like you want to live? What was your daughter’s name? You mentioned your son, can you tell me a little about him? (A lot of questions I know)
How do you kill yourself with sodium nitrite? I ordered some but not sure how to use it? Only when the time comes. Thank you.
I can’t say because I really don’t know. But I do know that if you have it on hand that in the impulsive episode of suicidal thought you ware more likely to suicide if you “have it in hand.” But you could use it instead to keep yourself alive. And simply don’t find the recipe. That gives you that feeling of having the option which seems to be what you are craving right now.
Tell me, if you want, why you feel your life is not worth living right now? I won’t judge. I am listening
Yes, I am ready to die. I have been for several years. I keep hoping every day is my last dying would be the greatest blessing I ever received. I don’t wanna have to kill myself to die, but it looks like I will have to. If God doesn’t take me soon. I have suffered all my life, I am in severe pain 24 hours a day. It is hard for me to take care of myself and my basic needs doctors have told me for years they don’t know what to do for me why I’m still alive I don’t know except that I haven’t killed myself yet , but I am at the end of my rope. This is going to have to change very soon. I know a lot of you out there that will read this. Don’t understand people that want to die but you have no idea how much suffering I have gone through in the 57 years of my life , I came into this world without the love of a mother and father, who nearly killed me as a baby and left me with severe injuries that I could never recoup from made me an outcast in society. I am crippled I suffer from severe chronic pain, even the smallest things I do cause the pain to be so bad I would rather die and that has to happen soon
Arthur. I am so sorry that life has been so difficult and unhappy. Not having love as a child is traumatic. Was there anyone you want to mention who showed love and kindness? I am listening. I hear you.
I feel I am in the same boat
I am suffering from a pain beyond human imagination from a medical malpractice. Basically from a super active person to bed bound with chronic pain and severely functional limitation. Have been looking to end suffering painlessly.Doctors after doctors for pain relief but to no avail . Please advise .
Leon I am so sorry. That sounds so miserable. Especially since you were vibrant and active before. Constant pain does make a person suicidal. It depends on what kind of pain you are suffering. Before opiates there used to be all kinds of pain clinics. There was one where they would freeze nerves in the back and that would relieve 80% of it or better most of the time. But it’s like medical science have up once there Was a pill and now people like you are left in miserable pain. So tell me more about what kind of pain. I don’t know that I can fix squat but I can listen to specifics.
It was an unnecessary cervical steroid injection
using a cortisone called Kenalog ( which is banned everywhere in the world as far as I know). Images show needle was in the wrong place. I am diagnosed with an incurable central pain syndrome overlapping an injury ( could be
arachnoiditis or spinal cord injury). I have tried all drugs (including fentanyl patch). My pain is sharp ( like all the spines are sharp knife stabbing constantly), burning, constant 24/7, neck and shoulder.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r4AKTFX6YI
Holy cow that’s awful. It sounds so much like complex regional pain syndrome which another contributor here wrote about. (He has a Facebook group.) Anyway I am not saying you have that, I am saying it sounds similar. Like equally painful and debilitating. And he calls it the “suicide disease” because of the needle like pain. I am so sorry Leon. https://annemoss.com/2019/04/25/complex-regional-pain-syndrome-the-suicide-disease/
Thank you for the detail and I am sorry this happened to you. I do t think you deserve that.
Same
I care. And if you want to say more I will listen and respond. I am so sorry you feel such despair.
I’m sorry you lost your son. Maybe he could have pulled out of it. Lived a good, happy life if some random ass thing, probably beyond anyone’s understanding, had gone just a bit differently.
But maybe he could have been like me. An objectively good life. Caring family, loving spouse, decent job, nice little house with a dog and a cat and enough money left over for a few petty luxuries here and there. Except it doesn’t matter, because there’s something just… off… about how my brain works. The family history of depression, the constant anxiety, the lifetime of sickness, the blood chemistry I have to buy from rite aid and can never quite keep in balance.
All I want is to sleep and I feel like that’s not so much to ask but so rarely can I get past the though of my husband and my parents and my sister and my cat, find it in Me to just be selfish and do what I want for myself. And then I read this. I’m sorry you lost your son but fuck you for reminding me of everyone else because I don’t want to do this anymore.
I wonder what it is in your brain that presents suicide as an option when mine has never done that. I am sorry. Thank you for saying exactly how you feel. Even the FU. I am sorry your brain has been a prison and I do hope something switches or there is a med that quiets that torture you live with.
Dan,
Your words were like copy of my deepest thoughts.
I am too, some could say, blessed with loving husband, beautiful amazing dogs, money, house by the lake – everything….everything EXCEPT joy of life.
I am also very tired, and just want the pain to be over.
My psychiatrist tried every medication in the book, I even tried Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Nothing worked.
It’s time to accept the reality that there is no book, no podcast, no chat that can make this better.
Sometime people just need to die, and the people around them need to accept their choice.
There needs to be a website that help people with this choice, because the alternative is jumping in front of a train, or something similarly graphic, which will horribly impact innocent by bystanders and first-responders.
It is my life, and I should have the right to end it by choice.
I just want you to know that I hear you. I am not here to judge, shame or admonish you. I wish your pain weren’t so sharp. Since you mentioned them, tell me what kind of dogs you have.
Kinda bummed to not find what Google told me would be the content. You seem like a kind person – I’m sorry for the loss of your son. I appreciate what you’re trying to accomplish with the site content (versus what Google returns as content) but I landed here because I just can’t see a way out. Inability to connect or trust – brought about by, at least in part, lies and deception of those around me. Somehow seems fitting that deception is the resulting content. Cosmic irony? Way too tired to sort it out.
When I did this originally i didn’t even think about that irony you mentioned. But years later you aren’t the first to bring it up and it’s a valid point.
Tell me more about the deception that you spoke of. I hear you and I am listening. Not judging. And if you reply so will I.
My entire existence is based on a lie. Conceived in shame (affair), relinquished for adoption to abusive, narcissistic, awful people. Beaten and beaten down. Somehow, I drug myself out of that hell hole and made a life – had a career. Then, chronic illness and disability came knocking in 2019. Lost my career, my purpose. Never made connections because people aren’t to be trusted. Now very much alone in the darkness I created. Again, cosmic irony? The universe has a sick sense of humor. I can’t find laughter any more.
Damn that is so unfair. Being with narcissistic people is huge trauma. And you worked your way out of there. Holy cow. So you mentioned disability. Can you tell me more about that? If you don’t mind. You don’t have to of course. I appreciate your honesty here.
I have a myriad of medical issues. I am mostly homebound at 51. Pretty much my only outings are for doc appts. I have 5 this week plus my home health visit on Fridays. 2 down, 3 to go. They’re managing symptoms. Nothing I have is fixable and most are difficult to treat. Throw in a dose of medical complexity, and you get this sh*t show. Genetic lung/liver disease- and without medical history (adopted) no treatment until 49yo. Can only slow degeneration of lung tissue – can’t do anything to help liver damage. POTS, hEDS, MCAS, CFS/ME, and immunosuppressed to control autoimmune angioedema. Can’t take many of the new meds due to reactivity and spontaneous anaphylaxis, and the list goes on. I’ve fought, seen every nearby doctor looking for hope. There simply is none. I’m not sick enough to enact the right to die laws (Colorado) but I’m too sick to have any quality of life. I’m sick of just existing. I have no one. I’m just weary.
Thanks for responding. I wish I knew someone like you in “real” life. Just one connection could make all the difference. You don’t need to reach back out. You have a lot going on. I’m sorry about your mom (I followed your fb page and saw the post).
Please take care. I think your message and kindness is needed and will likely help many struggling to find support. Just a glimmer of hope. What I’d give to rewind to a year ago and have this convo then. Go be with your family. I hope you all find comfort in this difficult time.
Thank you~
Thanks about my mom. She had become more home bound and like you just felt she was just existing. While it hit me hard, I know she was ready and she was 87.
I ache that you have to deal with all this shit. Seriously. and at an age when you might otherwise be starting a new career or learning to moutain bike.
They say that being exposed to trauma as a young person often makes a person’s body more vulnerable to physical illnesses like cancer and degenerative issues and other ailments. It’s common that this happens. The brain, always on alert for danger, develops differently in any number of ways.
By the way, I always answer. In fact, my blog comments on these pages come first. It’s one of the reasons I started it. You deserve to be heard. Suffering alone is the worst misery ever.
Yes, the body keeps score. Last count, I’m losing.
I sent a message via your contact form. If there is a way to continue this a little less publicly, I would like that. I understand if that isn’t possible. LMK.
I replied to your message to me. You should have my email. I understand that you might not want to hash it all out in public. Check your junk mail just in case.
I’m sorry. I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve triple-checked. 🙁
I will search and send another message then. I even remember your real name which I won’t mention here.
So I just found the message and replied again. I am not sure where in cyberspace the other one might be.
Me too, me too 😪
Looking for even one sentence of hope.
My husband divorced me 7 years ago, then married a woman 37 years younger. Cannot get past the pain. I have tried everything, therapy, meds, God. Nothing.
What an ass! I am guessing he was in a midlife crisis and thinking only of himself and to make himself feel better he went for someone younger and more naive. I am so sorry. And I wish he’d gotten a new sports car like most men. A group has helped me get through hard times. But tell me. How has it affected how you feel about yourself? For example have you struggled mainly with low self worth?
Again. I am so sorry. That would be devastating if it happened to me.
What is this site
It’s a website for those whose lives are not perfect. And I lost a son to suicide and that’s how it started. So I focus on ways to find meaning in life and help others understand suicide-that it’s not selfish but rather something someone is driven to in a moment of unbearable pain. Does that help? And now how can I help and support you?
Not all suicides are done out of unbearable pain but it is nonetheless one of the common reasons.
Educate me. What is yours all about? Can you share what drove you to this place of despair?
I was left in a foreign country by someone I thought was my person. I am so heartbroken alone and lost I just want it over sometimes. This is kind what you are doing
Holy cow. That’s is awful, Maria. How utterly frightening that must be for you. And to be broken-hearted and feel taken. All because you loved. That’s so awful someone took advantage of your loving heart that way. How did people who do that even live with themselves? I am so angry in your behalf. And I am truly sorry. What country if it’s ok to ask?
Life Update:
Suicide: Attempted and Failed
Cause: 1. Unexpectedly overwhelming survival instincts. 2. Unpreparedness and Procedural Callousness
Thank you for coming back and offering an update. I’m really honored you did that. I won’t lie that I am relieved, Lester. But this isn’t about how I feel. I’d like to know how you feel. Do you have mixed feelings? Was there a fear of the outcome that also weighed on your mind? Was there some connection to life that kept cropping up and interrupting? Don’t go into procedural callousness if you don’t mind. I want to know your feelings at that moment to understand what life forces were at work other than the survival instincts. Share what you are comfortable sharing because I’ve asked a lot of probing questions here.
Sorry to disappoint you Anne but its really just this strong and sudden feelings of intense doubt, a profound sense of ambivalence that I assume is the inner workings of the survival instinct to be the major cause of my attempted failure. There is no other deeper reason/s for my profound feelings of ambivalence during the attempt, I suppose.
It seems that I ran out of money to do another attempt so it looks like I have to do some good ol’ cash crimes before my family and the police can locate me. Yeah anne I’m in deep shit and I see no solutions than to catch the bus as soon as possible.
I promise you are not disappointing me. You are not in a good place obviously. And just know that I hear you and feel your desperation. So you are saying you need to take from your relatives to fund your next attempt? I am just clarifying so that I understand. Not judging.
I am liar anne, don’t trust anything I say.
Ok I will take your advice. But I won’t go away that easily! It doesn’t mean I can’t listen. My son had some hard-to-believe tales. But I still listened. Eventually he told the truth. So just know I am patient.
Okay Anne, I’ll be honest with you. None of what I said starting the comment I made in 5/30/22 have YET to happen. Its just my pathetic dramatized cry-for-help, which didn’t even happen and must have been pretty disrespectful towards genuine sufferers here so I apologize to those who must been offended by my statement. But everything I said before that date is genuinely true and I just really needed to listen to somebody.
But don’t worry though, I will not visit this site and make another comment ever again.
Why do you say that Lester? I don’t think a cry for help is “pathetic.” I actually think it’s courageous. You are in a place where you need support and everyone in their life needs that at some point. I am more than willing to keep listening and responding to you.
I think it’s good you came here. You’re not bothering anyone.
I guess I’ll just try eating it with a spoon and see what happens
I can understand your being angry that the information is not here. No one who is suicidal is up for a comedy routine. I want you to know I hear you.
It’s a nice thing you are doing but I’ve been thru all the B.S. and that’s all it boils down too. I am almost a year clean but I’m a mental wreck and I’m done dealing with myself. It is what it is.
Anyhow, I wish you the best and hope you save lives worth saving. Thank you for the reading.
I just want to know that I hear you. I can’t talk anyone out of suicide. All I can do is help someone save their own life when they are ambivalent about dying. Because I feel like if there is doubt that one should wait because suicide is final. So I won’t talk you out of it because that’s not possible. But I can listen and respond. I am sorry for your despair. And it sounds like you did find recovery but maybe the reason you started using in the first place may not have ever been addressed? Or addressed approximately? I don’t know any of that but it’s been my experience with others.
I don’t think it’s right to make a mother that has lost a child to suicide feel bad is cool at all. If you need to talk come to sanctioned-suicide.org there are tons of other people in your position that can relate and offer support.
Why are you doing this? I read through the comments above and it looks like some of those people have killed themselves. Doesn’t it hurt you more to see them go? I think you might be hurting yourself worse and worse by doing this
Susannah. That’s a valid question. But many of the commenters have gotten back with me years later and told me that just being here gave them pause. In some cases they told someone right after posting a comment. Still others have died probably. It does sadden me but I focus on the thousands of messages I get that say “it’s been a year and while things aren’t perfect I am not where I was and I just want to say thank you and let you know that landing here helped me save my own life.” That makes it all worth it. All I can do is listen and let you know someone heard you and cares. That is what my son did. And I believe it’s the greatest gift one can offer another human. To let them feel heard and know they matter. That’s my sons legacy. And I will honor it until my own last breath. Which I hope will be a long time in the future.
You are an empathic, caring person. Thank you for that. Now if you wanted to share more about you? I am listening….
Anne ❤ I noticed your helping hand. Bless you.
Awww thank you Angie. What brought you here? If that’s OK to ask. Or just tell me something about yourself.
Idk exactly how old, but I would’ve been in elementary school I think. Probably 1st or 2nd grade since I know those were particularly bad years for me, but it’s pretty vague. I just know that when I was a kid I promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself because I didn’t want to hurt my family, but I think even then I thought I’d end up doing it eventually. That’s one of the reasons I try to keep living. Also because of that I didn’t actively search for ways to die until a few years ago.
Hello Anne, I’ve come across this article among the results I found in the google search “buying sodium nitrate” and after giving a quick read it got me to use my noggin a bit (even though I didn’t like to since thinking hurts for me in general). I don’t really like to type everything about the reason for why I wish to catch the bus soon so I’ll give a tldr version. I’m 20 yrs old, male, korean-filipino, gay (and I hate it), a NEET (Not in employment, education or training/ a parasite to your own parents) and a fucking loser who should’ve died sooner but here we are.
As absurd as it is, Anne, I am in no state of extreme suffering or agony unlike many other unfortunate suicidal individuals out there. In fact, I feel just generally ok overall but I still do have many life problems like most other people. Thing is, my life for the most part have been just boring and I was just coping with it along with many other worries, insecurities and anxieties since childhood. I did got bullied in school and was socially ostracized by my peers, my family is pretty dysfunctional and I have very low self esteem as a child so I guess that has a significant influence on me on my worldview and has messed me up in general. But every instances of suffering no matter how big or small always magnifies itself to me and its accumulation wears me down to the point that I no longer have the resilience to face these mounting general stressors in life especially when I’m reaching adulthood. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed by my problems to the point I just don’t like to live anymore as I constantly feel hopeless and my struggles meaningless as I don’t value anything much than my own selfish happiness and well being.
I feel unfixable and I don’t understand anything anymore due to my extreme skepticism in literally anything I know (which led me to my loss of faith in God and religion) and I just think that its time for me to go catch the bus. As I’ve accepted my death I feel this sense of peacefulness and serenity I haven’t felt for over, well ever since I was born!
Lester- I appreciate your letting me know what your experience is like as well as your background. I most appreciate your trust. Just being a minority who is gay is difficult enough. Some families are not always accepting which adds to a person’s low sense of self-worth. How long have you struggled with thoughts of suicide? (If that’s OK to ask)
Sorry for the considerable delay, Anne.
It is since childhood that I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts anf feels, although it was less frequent before than now. The reason why I haven’t killed myself back then is because of my religious belief that suicide meant automatically going to hell which I genuinely believed back then. Now what is really holding me back from committing myself to the act is general cowardice and laziness. But it really only takes a few more straws to finally break the camel’s back and I’m off to catching the bus.
I don’t think not killing oneself is due to cowardice but rather survival instinct. So when you get in an episode of suicidal thought you probably waffle back and forth always ambivalent even in the worst parts of the cycle. But that ambivalence is something all of us are born with. And overdosing that is simply not ever easy. Many tell me that have had thoughts of suicide since they were 8. There is a good podcast with three men who have them daily and what they do. It’s hard for me to imagine having them daily like that. I am sure to those who have them it’s “normal.” That’s why I think those who suffer those thoughts are strong. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me understand
Well anne, its been a few days but I’ve already made my mind up. I’m going to catch the bus sometime this week so if you have anything to ask or say I’ll reply nonstop. The moment I have no response after two days is well, you understand.
There is something so final in that. What drove you to decide that this was the week?
I felt that it was already too long overdue since my initial plan so I decided to muster the will to finally do everything I’ve planned before departing and I’ve already finished them all so what’s all left for me to do is to wait for the bus.
Do you mean a bucket list of things or goals? Did you struggle with thoughts of suicide or think about death a lot as a child?
I think I feel just about the same as you. I’m only a year older than you. I was NEET until a couple weeks ago because I was able to get a job, but I still mostly feel useless. I’m also gay and that has been a struggle for me to accept.
I want to die, but not because I feel extreme pain or anything, but I guess I feel like life is dull and boring. I’ve been bullied when I was kid, and I thought of dying back then. I started thinking of a plans to kill myself a few years ago, and I’ve attempted some over the last few years, but obviously I failed.
Honestly it’s hard for me to tell whether or not I really want to die. Sometimes I feel like I have to live, and others I feel like I have to die, and it’s a constant struggle between life and death.
I don’t know if this will help, but even if I’m a stranger, I at least care enough to write this comment.
Ben- I hardly have words. Tears as I write this. Your kindness is so commendable. And from talking to those who have struggled with LGBTQ+ issues and thoughts of suicide that ambivalence of wanting to die and then not wanting to die is so confusing but very common. Most everyone talks about that internal struggle. For what it’s worth, I accept you for exactly who you are. You are a warrior. How long have you struggled with thoughts of suicide? Like what age did it start?
Idk exactly how old, but I would’ve been in elementary school I think. Probably 1st or 2nd grade since I know those were particularly bad years for me, but it’s pretty vague. I just know that when I was a kid I promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself because I didn’t want to hurt my family, but I think even then I thought I’d end up doing it eventually. That’s one of the reasons I try to keep living. Also because of that I didn’t actively search for ways to die until a few years ago.
Thank you for sharing that. If I may, I have a couple of resources. If you don’t want me to post these, then I will post no more. It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to prevent your death by suicide and these tools have helped others who have struggled. Do not hesitate to be frank about what I have posted or how I have responded. It helps me learn. And it’s from those who’ve struggled that I have learned the most. I’m so grateful people like you have shared your beautiful stories to help me make sense of my son’s and my first cousin’s deaths by suicide.
I have a post on making a safety plan. And one of your comments sparked that thought. The family one. And another on an app that has just come out.
I think you misunderstood what I said about family, but I wasn’t very clear. What I meant was I made the promise to myself to not kill myself because I didn’t want to hurt my family, and the promise is why I keep living. I’m actually pretty frustrated with my family in all honesty, and you could maybe consider them a reason as to why I want to die, but it’s not like I want them to suffer. I guess it’s kind of like a ‘for your own good’ kinda thing which is kinda ironic I think.
I see. Families can be frustrating. Most of them are. I’m sorry Ben. Are you not getting support? Are they not accepting your sexuality?
They do support and accept me, but my feelings towards them are kinda complicated, and I don’t really want to talk about it right now.
Haven’t we spoken before? From the Y?
And I understand. I didn’t really see a lot of the ways that I was not hello to charles until after he died and I read his music. I won’t push you on that. Just know I am willing to listen and you know I will respond.
I know that you’re a user on SS because I know who you are. Why are you on here trying to make a mother who’s lost their child to suicide suicide bad? That’s not cool at all and is manipulative and cruel. Post on the thread if you need somewhere to vent.
I do understand that someone who is suicidal is angry as this poster was. I’ve learned not to take it persoally. But I also appreciate your kindness. Especially today, my son’s death anniversary.
My sodium nitrite is here, I’m going to take it in September, I need to finish my uni course then I think I’ve done enough. The past will not leave me, there’s no recovery from my actions and tbh the world doesn’t need people like me around. I’m hoping this will be 3rd time lucky then it’s off to hell.
I’m so sorry it’s this bad. I wish I could be there to sit with you and listen. So you could share your heart and your hurt without my interuption. Tell me what is important about the uni course you mentioned? Did you mean the semester?
My sodium nitrite is on the way and after that it is only a matter of time. TBH I really can’t wait to finally end it. The world is a horrible place and I am incapable of feeling any joy in any of it. Been on earth for 45 years and that is plenty as far as I am concerned.
I am glad to have lived this life but I feel like it’s time and I will do it on my own terms.
I am sorry your despair has driven you to this end. I would only ask you that if you have doubt, wait. And what things might make you hesitate? Not stop. But hesitate. Thank you for commenting and sharing.
I am 50, married with a family, I post on pro suicide websites a lot out of a sense of crippling depression. I hate feeling like this; I’m tired of living in fear and self doubt. I hate therapy, meds, having to self realize. I don’t like my own success and don’t care about any of it. I have three kids and a spouse and all my brain does is compare the actions of today to 500 years from now and ask if anything really matters. I think about not waking up all day every day.
Jsj- man this sounds bad. You are clearly in agony. I wish I could give you a human hug right now. Waking up like that day after day must wear on you. Obviously it has.
Since you mentioned them tell me one thing about one of your kids that is special. If that’s ok to ask.
I think I need help
It shows a lot of strength that you admit that in writing and I’m honored. Please share what’s going on with you right now.
Hi Anne,
If you have the time can you email me just for someone to talk to
Hello Anne,
can you email me to talk at some point?
Sure. Use this simple contact form and it will go to my email. It is private. I will reply and you will have my email. I don’t put the email address here because I get spammed by advertisers like crazy. https://annemoss.com/contact-2/
Yes I can. I forgot I can see your email in the admin panel.
You forgot to tell how to kill yourself with sodium nitrate
You are right. I did.
I’m waiting to finally turn 22 and then i will kill myself. But even that i dont know if i can do it because i am in so much pain since months… this horror is never ending. I have no idea why i keep fighting because i know i will never win this fight. I know it is beyond my powers and force. I wont get through this. I dont even use any drugs but i still am absolutely mentally fucked. I’m just weak. That’s it. Some peoples arent made to live. I’m one of them. When i’m 22 i will do it without regrets because i know i did my best.
What has been happening to you? So I can understand your despair. If you reply, I will answer. I am listening
Well what despair me the most is how powerless i am against all the evil in the world first off. I am just one man and i litterally can’t do anything to change this. I rather kill myself than to keep living in this horrible cruel selfish world any longer. No one really see anyone else than themselves and that breaks me. No one realize how much i suffer until i kill myself. That’s when they ll finally get it. not before. They just can’t see it because they do not care about me or anyone but themselves. That’s the nature of peoples and those who govern us and make the laws. Everything about this world and this society is wrong everything is wrong. My life is just PAIN I do not feel joy love or hope at any fucking time. All i feel is the pain. This is not worth it. I AM a good person i never hurted anyone but still this cruel world managed to destroy me for no fucking reasons! everyday peoples dies for nothing in accidents! it is all POINTLESS. nothing make any fucking sense out there! Your own son died for nothing you should know it. This world is just horrible in all points of view! I cannot see anything good about it. I tried. I can’t. At best i am numb and don’t feel much and at worse im broken inside and just…… think about ending it. I woke up the morning and my first thoughts are about ending this bullshit. My only goal and purpose is my suicide. I am done, this is hell. I deserve better than this shitty pointless reality made of constant deceptions. I deserve to be free.
You are an empath and you feel all the hurt around you, don’t you? My heart aches for you, L. I hope it helped to write it out and I appreciate your sharing your thoughts so openly. Was there at time when you didn’t feel this way? If so can you share that. Again, I’m trying to get the whole picture. I’m listening…..
There was 5 magical months of my life where i felt great, had a girlfriend and was just ok with life. It only lasted 5 months and never before or after this i felt alright. I never felt good but only 5 months in 21 and half years on earth. You think it’s worth it? To live so long for 5 months of hapiness who then transmute in depression when you loose it? You think it’s fair? I craved those 5 months i prayed all i could for universe to give it back to me. I did everything i could but it wont happen. Universe give 0 fucks about me. I loosed it. I will never be happy again because i won’t let it happen. I transmuted this loss in sadness which i am drowning in and that will certainly kill me. I was happy with her but she moved on since 1 year at least and me i decided i will never move on i will die there. I dont want to get better. It’s the ugly truth. This sadness is all i have left so i wont let it go. I will take my pain with me to the grave. Theres nothing you or anyone can do because it’s my choice. I can’t let go of it.
I don’t have the power to talk you out of it or prevent you from killing yourself. I don’t. But I appreciate your sharing that moment with me. I just wanted to know you had some joy in your life and needed to hear about it. I wanted to know more about your experience and what might have brought you where you are now. I’m here to listen. Sometimes people ask for help or want to do a safety plan. But some don’t. My main goals are to allow you feel heard and for me to learn more. And you have graciously provided me with a lot of important detail. Thank you.
What things come up when you are feeling like suicide that make you hesitate or have stopped you from suiciding? So many have shared interesting answers to that question. You don’t have to answer it, of course. You’ve been very generous already. If you are up to it……
I sadly have no answers to this question. I just dont know what to say. Nothing have been stopping me. I made 3 suicide attempts so far in my short life, first one at 16. I cumulated 4 days of coma from them. I am getting closer every time and i like to believe the next one will be the right one. Im kinda becoming a suicide professional at this point. It is inevitable that i will succeed. God bless this day when ill finally be free. Sorry this was prolly not the answer u been waiting for.
I know I can’t save anyone’s life. I can only help someone save their own life if they want to. I can’t change anyone’s mind or promise a sunny future but I can listen and respond.
Im sorry for your loss.
While there is not a reply button on the front end there is on
can i talk to you more privately? i like talking to you.