From quicksand to leaping a tall building in a single bound

There is no doubt that losing a child to suicide left me feeling stuck in a slower-moving dimension. As the world moved forward, I watched it whiz by as I helplessly sat on the sidelines with no motivation to keep up. Nothing mattered and everything was eclipsed by my loss which weighed heavy on my heart, my chest, my lungs, my limbs. At first, it possessed me, took me hostage and I fought hard to have some control over my emotions which were so raw and exposed.

Conversely, there were days when I would crave the need to lavish love on my missing child who wasn’t there to receive it. That left me feeling empty and needy of a way to fill up that space in my heart that was cavernous.

Once I trudged through the early days, weeks, and months, some days were punctuated by the feeling that I could do anything. And the next day I’d be plunged into darkness. It was confusing to feel such highs and then such lows. I wish the moments of elation had lasted longer but I had to learn to appreciate small moments of joy.

On days that are rough, I can remind myself I’ve been through the worst. So I can do one bad day, a string of bad days even. Because I know there will be days I do feel like I can do anything and I’ll boldly do things that would have made me hesitate before. But now? I dive in. That is one of the gifts Charles left me.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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