From quicksand to leaping a tall building in a single bound

There is no doubt that losing a child to suicide left me feeling stuck in a slower-moving dimension. As the world moved forward, I watched it whiz by as I helplessly sat on the sidelines with no motivation to keep up. Nothing mattered and everything was eclipsed by my loss which weighed heavy on my heart, my chest, my lungs, my limbs. At first, it possessed me, took me hostage and I fought hard to have some control over my emotions which were so raw and exposed.

Conversely, there were days when I would crave the need to lavish love on my missing child who wasn’t there to receive it. That left me feeling empty and needy of a way to fill up that space in my heart that was cavernous.

Once I trudged through the early days, weeks, and months, some days were punctuated by the feeling that I could do anything. And the next day I’d be plunged into darkness. It was confusing to feel such highs and then such lows. I wish the moments of elation had lasted longer but I had to learn to appreciate small moments of joy.

On days that are rough, I can remind myself I’ve been through the worst. So I can do one bad day, a string of bad days even. Because I know there will be days I do feel like I can do anything and I’ll boldly do things that would have made me hesitate before. But now? I dive in. That is one of the gifts Charles left me.

Published by

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a mental health and suicide education expert, mental health speaker, suicide prevention trainer and consultant. She is author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW. She raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost her younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. She is a motivational speaker who empowers by educating and provides life saving strategies and emotionally healthy coping skills. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now that's the legacy she carries forward in her son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Share via
Copy link
Powered by Social Snap