What I want you to know…

by Mary-ellen Viglis

Dear DJ,

It’s been nearly 10 months since you left, my sweet, loving beautiful boy- Demetrios James.

I want you to know how truly missed you are. Most days I am brought to my knees by the hole in my heart. It feels like lava overflowing. It burns. It stings. There is no end to it. It seeps out of every part of my body. All the pain and grief – it is filled with all the love I have for you.

I am not mad. I am not angry. I don’t think I ever will be. Your choice had absolutely nothing to do with your love for me.  You didn’t want to leave me, you wanted to leave the pain. The hurt. The sadness.  The pain of your depression. Your anxiety. The lack of control you had over the paranoia, the delusions.  Those voices that told you – you were bad, unworthy of life here on earth. The pull to start using drugs again to self medicate from your sickness – your brain had failed you. 

I am so very proud of you.  I know how hard you worked to get 6 months clean on the day you left.  I know it wasn’t easy. I know you tried so hard to see the light in all the darkness. You gave it every ounce of effort to heal, to recover, to be the best you possible.  You did not fail. You were not weak. You were strong, courageous, and unselfish. And yes, I am so proud of you son.

I want to Thank you – for being so loving. So thoughtful. So present with me and those you loved. So affectionate. For leaving me beautiful notes- not just the day you left- but the countless times you poured your love and pain into heartfelt words and secrets- good and not so good – that you always shared with me. Thank you for trusting me with all of you.I cherish every letter, every word, every conversation, every memory, every hug and yes I remember them all. Not time, nor distance can ever take you away from me. 

Yes, I still feel your love. Every single ounce of it. It hasn’t gone away, even in your absence. It is in the air I breathe.It is in every memory and picture.It is in the gentle breeze – when I swear I smell your cologne. And your love envelopes every part of me.Your love is beyond beautiful.When I allow myself to sit in my grief and be still with it – it is then that I feel you and every bit of your love.Thank you for continuing to give me the gift of your love on a daily basis.  

It’s not all bad, sweetie, since you left. It is because of you leaving that I am a better person. Most people will never understand that.  I am ok with that because I would never want another person to feel the level of loss and grief that exists within me.  I am different – I will never be the same.  But in some ways – I am a better human because you left. Saying those words- sounds so weird. But I know you understand the depth of my metamorphosis.  You understand the depths of our love.
I appreciate every single moment with those I love.

I am grateful beyond words.I stop to smell the roses.I listen to music differently- especially yours.And yes- I continue our relationship in a way that not many people could ever understand.I am more compassionate.I love more and judge less.
You my beautiful boy – you have given me gifts that only exist because you are gone.
I understand why you left and that the pain that you felt was unbearable. How do I get through each day?If the price I have to pay for you to be whole, healed, and at peace is the unbearable pain, sadness and grief that exists within me now then I will wake every day and walk this journey of grief so you can be free – free of sickness and pain and sorrow.Love didn’t die when you did. Our love is still there sweetie. It is not going anywhere and never will. 

And YES- I know you love me no matter what – and you know I feel the same. 

Forever DJ’s Mom

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