How I feel a year after my husband’s suicide

by Marylyn

Still heartbroken.
Still in disbelief.
Still in anguish about how desperate he was.
Still feeling guilty in whatever part I may have played in creating that anguish.
Still mad that he left his son.
Still seeing blood.
Still reliving the phone call I received from the officer at 9:18 am on January 30th.
Continually wondering what this life is for
and why live through it if it doesn’t really matter in the end anyway.

Wondering if the me I used to be is gone forever.
Deeply afraid I’m not doing my best for our son.
Wishing he hadn’t left me to do it alone.
Wishing he hadn’t left at all.
Wishing I could have done something to stop it.
Knowing this was put into motion in 1991.
Knowing I wasn’t enough.

Wanting to do better.
Wanting support but wanting to be left alone.
Hurting so badly.
Hoping my son is okay despite all of it.
Not knowing how to make that happen.
Not sure if my bootstraps are there,
if I can’t find them,
or if I’m not even reaching down to pick them up.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

3 thoughts on “How I feel a year after my husband’s suicide”

  1. Marylyn, losing a loved one by suicide is so difficult. After 43 years of marriage, I lost my husband to death by suicide. That was almost seven years ago. I know I will always think of him everyday. I miss his big hugs, our simple pleasure of listening to music together, of sitting by the fire and talking. of our yearly Jersey Shore two week vacations with our two children, of renting a boat and fishing on the bay, our heartfelt discussions of the reasons for his suicide attempts and his promise to stop and seek help when he felt that hopeless again. The feeling of my not being enough for him, the anger of his leaving me and our two children, the questions of what more I could have done-these often haunt me. But life must go on, and the pain will always be here, but not as often or severe. I have found love with a wonderful man who lost his wife to cancer, He is also a volunteer for the 800 suicide call center. We freely speak of our lost spouses and honor our memories of and with them.
    May peace, forgiveness and love be with you as you navigate this difficult journey.

  2. Marylyn, I remember my feeling very similar a year out from my son’s suicide. The first year is so shocking and so hard. Know that you are not alone and these feelings will soften. Peace.

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