I thought ‘I don’t want to do this’

I thought this when my son started misusing substances and when I found out he was addicted to heroin. I thought this before I went to bed after news of my son’s suicide. And there were other times in between where I just didn’t want to be the one who had to make a difficult decision and wished a fairy Godmother would sprinkle pixie dust and make it all better.

But the night he died, I so wanted to get out of having to grieve the loss of my child. Wasn’t there a detour I could take? And escape hatch somewhere? Couldn’t I slip out of this skin and into another life that was shinier and happier?

I did not want to do grief. But despite my unwillingness to do what couldn’t be changed, life lurched forward in fits and starts, much of which I spent numb, on my knees, or with my hand pulling tissues out of a box.

Seeing a way forward was foggy and uncertain, and the amount of work it would take to find healing was daunting, unyielding, and overwhelming. The desire to skip forward or backward for a redo was always on my mind. Until I resolved that this wasn’t possible. I had to cope without seeing a path ahead.

The magic pixie dust never appeared nor the Godmother that came with it. And through the work that happened, emerged a new person. I kinda like her. 🙂

You know by now, my life did move forward and emotional healing did happen.

There are times we don’t want to face monumental, devastating pain and even that’s a coping mechanism that gives us a pause that allows us to accept what’s happened.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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