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I thought ‘I don’t want to do this’

I thought this when my son started misusing substances and when I found out he was addicted to heroin. I thought this before I went to bed after news of my son’s suicide. And there were other times in between where I just didn’t want to be the one who had to make a difficult decision and wished a fairy Godmother would sprinkle pixie dust and make it all better.

But the night he died, I so wanted to get out of having to grieve the loss of my child. Wasn’t there a detour I could take? And escape hatch somewhere? Couldn’t I slip out of this skin and into another life that was shinier and happier?

I did not want to do grief. But despite my unwillingness to do what couldn’t be changed, life lurched forward in fits and starts, much of which I spent numb, on my knees, or with my hand pulling tissues out of a box.

Seeing a way forward was foggy and uncertain, and the amount of work it would take to find healing was daunting, unyielding, and overwhelming. The desire to skip forward or backward for a redo was always on my mind. Until I resolved that this wasn’t possible. I had to cope without seeing a path ahead.

The magic pixie dust never appeared nor the Godmother that came with it. And through the work that happened, emerged a new person. I kinda like her. 🙂

You know by now, my life did move forward and emotional healing did happen.

There are times we don’t want to face monumental, devastating pain and even that’s a coping mechanism that gives us a pause that allows us to accept what’s happened.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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