This is my heartache

By Gary, from Scotland

Since April 31, I’ve been suffering from depression. I never knew I had it. I felt so sad, lonely, suicidal. I hated how I was and how I felt. I didn’t want to carry on. I kept this to myself as I am the man of the house. I dealt with it. I had the most wonderful childhood. I never wanted for anything. I’ve been all around the world. I had been taken to America for 6 weeks at a time, and then to Spain for 2 weeks. I look and think, “Why me?”

I had family saying, “Come on dad, it goes away, you’re the man.” But really, they didn’t understand. I tried doctors and counselors but really there is one out there for you all. I didn’t get that connection with some. I had doctors coming out to my home with a nurse. Anyway, they took pictures of me and my tattoos. In case I was found.

I lost my mother-in-law and then my father-in-law one year apart. He was my friend–cancer. I took care of him, shaved, and washed him. He was so grateful. He wouldn’t let any other deal with him. He had a fall before and I thought, “Oh my God.” I could go on about my mother-in-law law and father-in-law.

But then my father got cancer. It was like a bomb went off in my head. He was and has always been my hero. He was the best. We have now cremated him and the loss was too much to describe. Also, this loss deepened my despair and depression. Then my wife was diagnosed with skin cancer. They operated and took what they thought was OK.

The pain in my heart is so much. I wake up middle of the night and think, WTF. “What’s going to happen tomorrow?”  I’ve lost 2 stones now (28 pounds). I do yoga, walking. But I still feel bad and suicidal. I cry loads. But I have now lost my father. My hero. My rock. I couldn’t let go or say goodbye. I try and fight every day to be here. But it’s killing me. It’s taking a piece of me. Sometimes I want it over with asap. I even told my doctor about my mental health and he didn’t help. The private counselor I paid was amazing. She knew how I felt. Never judged me. I’ve even got my pension together and left notes regarding it all. I get one good day from seven and that’s it. Life is hard just now. But Anne is making a difference.

And I hope she or you can let me know how you feel about this story. I feel sad every day, lonely, vulnerable. So I hope I may have said something so you know how or what I’m feeling. When I wake up in the morning I know asap whether it’s bad or good. I do have another doctor’s appointment so we see from there.

I know you all have family or someone to talk to. The family doesn’t always understand why or how. But they go through this nightmare, too. I hope and pray every day for me and you all. But please listen to an inspiration of a women’s strength, desire, and hope. Anne Rogers. And when we think we’ve hit rock bottom well there is another hitting it too. XXXX

5 thoughts on “This is my heartache”

  1. Dear sweet Gary you words, your pain touch me more deeply than you can know.
    I lack the words to soften your suffering.
    I can say, from personal experience, that your feelings, your suffering can, and I believe, will change.
    As hard as it is to imagine at this moment, you can get through this; and, you are meant to be here.
    Please trust and believe what I share with you now. The “end of the world” feeling is truly temporary.
    Despite your great pain and suffering, you are meant to be here.
    Your greatness, your compassiom, your great empathy, your Love, is exactly what the world Needs now. Truly.
    How trite it sounds, this, too, will Pass.
    You don’t know me. But, I have walked through the fire.
    The Love, the understanding, the Light will come, to you.
    I Promise.
    Please hang in there.
    We Need you on our planet right now.
    Never, ever give up.
    Your humanity is irreplaceable.
    Sending love and light and hope.

  2. Hi Gary. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to reach out. This is not easy for anyone, and it does grip you in ways others won’t understand. I had a number of things happened to me at a younger age that led to high anxiety and depressive thinking. It was then that I discovered a book, “Mans Search for Meaning” by Dr. Viktor Frankl. I modeled these 4 behaviors of hope. I’m hoping they connect with you also.

    1 – What has been lost can be restored. Your status at work, your status in family, your success in business, school, athletics. Know that when the dust settles, what you achieved at one point in your life, you can Achieve again. Trust in your abilities and potential.

    2 – The future is unknown. While we grow frustrated as restrictions get extended, Know that it could also change tomorrow. When two farmers experience a drought, it’s the one who prepares his fields for the rain who will benefit.

    3 – What you have Accomplished, no power, and no one on earth can take from you. All of your Achievements in life are stored in your personal museum. Got back to those moments when you were on the top of the mountain and pull that state of “Confidence” while you face today’s challenges. The picture will change and the time will shorten.

    4 – When you hold a Compelling Picture of a future destiny and/or someone who is waiting for you, you can never ruin or throw away your life. In essence, when you have a “Why” and “What” to live for, the “How” will continue to present itself.


  3. Gary, Thank you for sharing your pain and your story. I pray for you and for your family. I don’t know why for some, this depression never seems to end. Please know that there are many who care and that you can rely on their strength when you are depleted of yours. I wish you more joyful days.

    1. Hi Jan, many thanks.i have another appointment with doctor on Thursday. I cant help how I’m feeling. I really do think.its not worth living.i now cant remember things I do or say.or put things away.i have got a stutter when I start to tell others how I am and feeling. Its not nice.but I could go on and on.but many thanks for you kind words.

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