By Gary, from Scotland
Since April 31, I’ve been suffering from depression. I never knew I had it. I felt so sad, lonely, suicidal. I hated how I was and how I felt. I didn’t want to carry on. I kept this to myself as I am the man of the house. I dealt with it. I had the most wonderful childhood. I never wanted for anything. I’ve been all around the world. I had been taken to America for 6 weeks at a time, and then to Spain for 2 weeks. I look and think, “Why me?”
I had family saying, “Come on dad, it goes away, you’re the man.” But really, they didn’t understand. I tried doctors and counselors but really there is one out there for you all. I didn’t get that connection with some. I had doctors coming out to my home with a nurse. Anyway, they took pictures of me and my tattoos. In case I was found.
I lost my mother-in-law and then my father-in-law one year apart. He was my friend–cancer. I took care of him, shaved, and washed him. He was so grateful. He wouldn’t let any other deal with him. He had a fall before and I thought, “Oh my God.” I could go on about my mother-in-law law and father-in-law.
But then my father got cancer. It was like a bomb went off in my head. He was and has always been my hero. He was the best. We have now cremated him and the loss was too much to describe. Also, this loss deepened my despair and depression. Then my wife was diagnosed with skin cancer. They operated and took what they thought was OK.
The pain in my heart is so much. I wake up middle of the night and think, WTF. “What’s going to happen tomorrow?” I’ve lost 2 stones now (28 pounds). I do yoga, walking. But I still feel bad and suicidal. I cry loads. But I have now lost my father. My hero. My rock. I couldn’t let go or say goodbye. I try and fight every day to be here. But it’s killing me. It’s taking a piece of me. Sometimes I want it over with asap. I even told my doctor about my mental health and he didn’t help. The private counselor I paid was amazing. She knew how I felt. Never judged me. I’ve even got my pension together and left notes regarding it all. I get one good day from seven and that’s it. Life is hard just now. But Anne is making a difference.
And I hope she or you can let me know how you feel about this story. I feel sad every day, lonely, vulnerable. So I hope I may have said something so you know how or what I’m feeling. When I wake up in the morning I know asap whether it’s bad or good. I do have another doctor’s appointment so we see from there.
I know you all have family or someone to talk to. The family doesn’t always understand why or how. But they go through this nightmare, too. I hope and pray every day for me and you all. But please listen to an inspiration of a women’s strength, desire, and hope. Anne Rogers. And when we think we’ve hit rock bottom well there is another hitting it too. XXXX